Commander Kyan Kain

Dr Pirate's page

63 posts. Alias of Limeylongears.


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Ahaar, matey, my fees be more reasonable . Just slot a doubloon into me peg-leg and I'll have 'ee hornpipin' again in a jiffy.

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Arrh, ye gunpowder enema is a powerful tool indeed.

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Arh, not quite the enema pipe I was hoping for, but it'll have to do.

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What shall we do with the sleepin' vampire,
What shall we do with the sleepin' vampire,
What shall we do with the sleepin' vampire,
Earl-aye in the evening?

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Ooooh, what shall we do with the broken website?
What shall we do with the broken website?
What shall we do with the broken website?
Earl-aye in the morning?

Hooray and up she rises, plastic pants in several sizes, etc.

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Arh, I has me work cut out for I, clearly. Do 'ee both sit still while I hooks 'ee up to this intravenous drip o' 120 proof rum and burns gunpowder in yer nostrils. After that, a light flogging and some salt pork should set 'ee right.

Old Doc Flumph wrote:

What the heck is a smurf?

I can't find it in any medical journal.

Arrh, colleague matey, it do stand for Suriname Miguel's Unfortunate Rum Flatulence

Pirate_master7 wrote:
Yaaarr! see ye got to be look'n at those sorts of papers and what have ye as more like "guide lines." A honest pirate has got to make a liv'n one way or another... yaaarrr.

What you lubbers don't know, and I do, is that GDPR stands for Gargantuan Dollops of Plundered Riches.

Yahaharh, and that be entirely due to the miraculous effects of Dr. Pirate's Blue Whale Blowhole Tsunami Pills!

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captain yesterday wrote:
CrystalSeas wrote:
On the other hand, if CY's crewmates are about average for "outdoor manual labor seasonal hires", then incompetence accounts for quite a few incidents.

We actually have a really good group this year, so I'd rate us as above average.

There isn't a Big Slow Pete or Fat Pervert Captain in the whole group of newbies.

Ooohhh III'lll tell 'ee the tale of the Fat Pervert Captain,

Who got caught with the waxworks in Madame Tussauds,
His glass eye in one end, wooden leg in the other,
The po-licemen gave him a round of applause.

Oh, pay out the anchor and tug it, me buckos,
Rumbledy Tumbledy Bum.

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Celestial Healer wrote:
Freehold DM wrote:
lisamarlene wrote:

Ronald Reagan's name came up at the breakfast table this morning as part of a discussion about Jelly Beans, and specifically, why there are blueberry-flavored Jelly Bellys.

Teensy Valeros: REAGEN?!? That's a GIRL's name.

Me: It's only a girl's name in Shakespeare, honey.

(I neglected to mention that I actually knew a family of actors who named their eldest daughter Regan. They named their other daughter Paige, not Goneril. Cowards.)

As gonorrhea is still an issue, I can see why they would not.

Reminds me of a farce/parody of Greek tragedy I wrote in college: “Chlamydia, Queen of Ilium.”

The title was funnier than the play, alas.

Arrh, here be a prescription for two weeks' worth of Goneril. Do 'ee apply it to the affected area twice a day, and next time, remember to sheathe yer cutlass afore ye boards a flash-packet.

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Yarr, well, 'tis most important to make sure there's no stray powder or sparks left up there afore reloading 'ee with grapeshot.

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

Thank goodness no actual pirates are here.

Because they would be really offended.

Arh, we be broadminded types.

'Owever, Comte, afore ye offers to do the Lightbulb Trick... not that broadminded.

Waterhammer wrote:
If you’re surrounded by noisy birds, it’s called chirpies.

Why do warts

Suddenly appear,

Every time

You are near?

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

*Looks at Captain Ishmael Squint while walking.*

I don't trust him.

Arrh, why? Ol' Squinty is as honest as the desert is damp!

Captain Ishmael Squint wrote:

He be talking about that bilge rat, Waterhammer, not you.

As for the bloody ship, Jumanji created a storm to bring it here.

But enough of that, Dr Pirate do you have anything to replace my nose? I lost it (or rather, it was taken) by a loathsome beast called "The Draken".

Arrh! Has 'ee heard of the miraculous substance known as 'porridge'?

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

*As I follow Vidmaster7, I hit Waterhammer.*

You're not a pirate and what part of the fact that Jumanji is based on the jungles of AFRICA do you not understand!

I do be a pirate, and the part that baffles I is how we managed to get the bloody ship this far inland.

Arrh, we'm bein' automated out of existence, me buckos.

Arrh! Spatchcock yer man-thimble, ya mardy bilge-bibber!

There, there. Let Pirate Nurse salve yer burns with rum-scented walrus fat.

Arrh, anyone wishing to be anaesthesised beforehand should come to my cabin at eight bells.

Arrh! My grog infusion pump be working successfully! 'Tis a new dawn for buccaneer medicine! Now, if I can only perfect these parrot implants, my place in history will be assured...

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Be it, matey?

Then, by Umberlee's weedy nips, do 'ee tell me which of these letters you can't read and we'll fit 'ee with some Corsair Lenses.


Arrh, 'tis the Lost Golden Colostomy Bag o'Henry Avery!

The next poster ravages the seven seas as Pinkbeard.

Arrh, me hearty. Oi diagnoses 'ee with a severe case o' rum deficiency. Foive quarts or so per day be the recommended dose.

Arrh, why not be both?

All aboard for the Colostomy Cruise.

He Would Benefit From Using Dr. Pirate's Spring Dew Maiden Hair Removal Poultices, Accept No Imitations.

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Arrh, it turns out that heavy-duty anaesthetics ain't a navigation aid after all.

The next poster has found a more effective cure for the pain.

I can do 'ee a blah transplant, should yer condition require it.

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
At least the clown isn't undead.

Come to think of it, when did anyone ever specify that? I mean, I guess not, but...I don't know, can I be...unalive? Is that a thing?

*checks pulse by feeling head-jinglers*

Hmm...where's Dr. Pirate when you need him?

Splicin' the mainbrace, me hearty.

Now, let's see.

Check temperature.

Is it cold enough to freeze the head-jinglers off a jester?


Can the patient drink a glass of rum and fondle a punk?


Does the patient curse when we hits 'ee with a cutlass?

Oh, yaaarrrr.

Congratulations. You'm alive, shipmate.

Vanykrye wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:

Hmm, so you're saying it might actually be cheaper to go to med school, get a degree, and perform my own medical procedures on myself and my loved ones.

That's pretty f&~&ed up.

Unethical and illegal as all get out...but...yeah...


Arrh, crap.


I'm a pirate!

No worries :) :) :)

With me Pirate Healin' Hands, I grow The Lobster a new nose, but forget to tell it to stop growin'. As such, when it reaches a length of around 3 metres and a weight of approximately half a tonne, their neck breaks suddenly.

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Just a Mort wrote:

Oh, I can't run skull and shackles either. I mean I'm not into the pirates and yaaarrrgghh thing. I cannot imagine how you can be a pirate without being evil.

You're freaking robbing people! On a ship!

'Tis merely freeing ocean commerce from burdensome, enterprise-sappin' regulations, me hearty, and besides, I 'ave signed the Hippocratic Oath and 'as Healin' Hands.

And Israel Hands* 'n' all.


A character in R.L. Stevenson's 'Treasure Island', just in case anyone's unaware...

Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:

{reappears excitedly} I found Mistress's scroll pouch! OK Dave, take this! {casts scroll from spell... which causes backlash}

ARGH! {falls over, still smoldering, whimpers feebly:} Medic?

Yarr! It be a talkin' blue cannonball, or perhaps I've been dippin' into me private stock of anaesthetics again.


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Yarr matey, I be most glad that ye're still The Man Who Steel Cannot Kill. May ye terrorise the Spanish Main for many years to come.

As yer pirate physician, I can offer ye the following treatment options:

1) Replace heart with the glowing eye of the deadly snake god Ophidinac, carved from a single melon-sized ruby and pulsing inwardly with an eerie crimson light.
2) Pirate Nurse will gently massage you with a cannonball and/or boarding axe, according to taste.
3) Something involving plenty o'brass, gears, whalebone and moustache wax, should you wish to become a steampunk cyborg.
4) Aromatherapy.

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Be they rum 'n' gunpowder 'n' squid?

If not, get a second opinion from yer pirate physician.

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NobodysHome wrote:
Sharoth wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:
Tacticslion wrote:
Tacticslion wrote:

Come on, guys! That's:

Tiger and Bunny
Re: Zero

... that's too many!

Uh... NH... I can't find Re: Zero on Netflix. :/

(I've seen it before, but it might have been removed...)

Crunchyroll, my friend.

NH, how many of these shows are dubbed? (Sorry Freehold DM, but short attention spa-)

I'm afraid we prefer subs, so I don't know. I know Hulu tends to carry subbed/dubbed a lot, but we're sub snobs so we never check.

And lying down in a hot room is helping immensely. I feel human again and everything!


I recommends the Steamin' Bilges Cure for all earthly ailments, by Mannaan's salt-encrusted pubes!

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Sharoth wrote:
Brrr..., Brrr..., Brrr..., ~sweats~ Being sick sucks.

Yarr, I see a poorly dragon!

Whisky and curry - that'll sort 'ee out, by Dagon's danglers!

Get well soon! :)

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Yarr! Pirate Nurse, what be that?

'Tis Cap'n GoatToucher, the scourge of the Tortuga Monkey Sanctuary, and he's got a clown in 'is colon again?

Shiver me timbers! Well then, fetch I a harpoon, a bucket o' pork fat, three dozen able seamen and the biggest rubber gloves you can find. 'Twill be a long night.

After that, we will attend to GoatToucher.

Angkor's Away!

At Pursat Academicals. Without Yun at right back, they haven't got a hope.

Arrh, that it be, by the salty beard of Golda Meir. Double-splang the 'foreship jingle-flaps 'til the gruel-badger strikes the first Lieutenant's seethin' merkin, ye sons of a half-Dutch whelk-extractor!

Also, by a remarkable coinkydink, it be also Dr. Pirate's day for blindfolded flyin' circumcisions. Those interested should remove their britches, lie face up on the quarterdeck and commend their souls to Valkur.

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"Arrh, I wants to sing shanties inside of yer panties"

Schrodinger's Dice wrote:

As long as no one reads this post, I will have won this thread. And lost it. So no one read this post.


Dr. Pirate's Patented 'Touch It With A Bargepole' Pills can help with that, me hearty.

Kileanna's inner Pirate wrote:

I can do the Spanish piratey thing. But talking like a pirate in English is waaaay too much to me.

I can imitate Alestorm songs, that's my best.

Keelhaul that filty landlubber, send him down to the dephts below, make that bastard walk the plank with a bottle of rum and a yo-ho-ho!

Not bad, matey, but further Pirate Tests be required.

Open wide and say 'Yaaarrrr'

Ar, Pert Id!

On the one hand, I be psychologically sound.

On the other hand, it looks like I got 'Lubber's Tongue' too.

Blast yer poxy [censored], Flash Sally!

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It be my professional opinion that Able Seaman Toucher is sufferin' from what we doctors call 'Lubber's Tongue', which explains his mispronunciation.

Considering where he's been putting it, that ain't a surprise.

Arrh, poor, poor Mr. Mendelbaum. However, since the operation was a success, 'e'll be right as rain once the swelling goes down.

The next poster was struck off The Register.

Arrh, a life on the Billy Ocean waves.

- Ahoy there, Billy {waves back}

A life on the LFG Roland C, which was an advanced German reconnaissance aircraft of WW1

A life on the Billy Ocean waves (again).

- Are ye drownin', Billy, bein' nibbled by prawns, or just bein' friendly?

Is the only life for meeeee.

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Rysky wrote:
Limeylongears wrote:
Rysky wrote:
questioning rabbit wrote:
ehh what's up doc?
Nothing much, you?

*Narrows eyes*

But are you reeeeaaaally a doctor?

Are you? Are you?

What definition of doctor are we going with?

Do 'ee 'ave a brass plaque on yer cabin door reading, 'GET YER RUM 'N' SRIRACHA SAUCE ENEMAS 'ERE, SHIPMATES' ?

A speculum instead of a hook on yer left 'and?

A range of good excuses fer rummagin' around in complete strangers' britches?

If so, arrh matey, yer a doctor.

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Capt. Tight Pants wrote:
Uh.. I seem to be having a hard time getting mine down...

Splice 'is mainbraces, lads, before it be too late!

Failin' that, we'll 'ave to rig 'ee up to the capstan (yesterday) and:


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