Commander Kyan Kain

Dr Pirate's page

46 posts. Alias of Limeylongears.


Arrh, we'm bein' automated out of existence, me buckos.

Arrh! Spatchcock yer man-thimble, ya mardy bilge-bibber!

There, there. Let Pirate Nurse salve yer burns with rum-scented walrus fat.

Arrh, anyone wishing to be anaesthesised beforehand should come to my cabin at eight bells.

Arrh! My grog infusion pump be working successfully! 'Tis a new dawn for buccaneer medicine! Now, if I can only perfect these parrot implants, my place in history will be assured...

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Be it, matey?

Then, by Umberlee's weedy nips, do 'ee tell me which of these letters you can't read and we'll fit 'ee with some Corsair Lenses.


Arrh, 'tis the Lost Golden Colostomy Bag o'Henry Avery!

The next poster ravages the seven seas as Pinkbeard.

Arrh, me hearty. Oi diagnoses 'ee with a severe case o' rum deficiency. Foive quarts or so per day be the recommended dose.

Arrh, why not be both?

All aboard for the Colostomy Cruise.

He Would Benefit From Using Dr. Pirate's Spring Dew Maiden Hair Removal Poultices, Accept No Imitations.

Arrh, it turns out that heavy-duty anaesthetics ain't a navigation aid after all.

The next poster has found a more effective cure for the pain.

I can do 'ee a blah transplant, should yer condition require it.

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
At least the clown isn't undead.

Come to think of it, when did anyone ever specify that? I mean, I guess not, but...I don't know, can I be...unalive? Is that a thing?

*checks pulse by feeling head-jinglers*

Hmm...where's Dr. Pirate when you need him?

Splicin' the mainbrace, me hearty.

Now, let's see.

Check temperature.

Is it cold enough to freeze the head-jinglers off a jester?


Can the patient drink a glass of rum and fondle a punk?


Does the patient curse when we hits 'ee with a cutlass?

Oh, yaaarrrr.

Congratulations. You'm alive, shipmate.

Vanykrye wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:

Hmm, so you're saying it might actually be cheaper to go to med school, get a degree, and perform my own medical procedures on myself and my loved ones.

That's pretty f&~&ed up.

Unethical and illegal as all get out...but...yeah...


Arrh, crap.


I'm a pirate!

No worries :) :) :)

With me Pirate Healin' Hands, I grow The Lobster a new nose, but forget to tell it to stop growin'. As such, when it reaches a length of around 3 metres and a weight of approximately half a tonne, their neck breaks suddenly.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Just a Mort wrote:

Oh, I can't run skull and shackles either. I mean I'm not into the pirates and yaaarrrgghh thing. I cannot imagine how you can be a pirate without being evil.

You're freaking robbing people! On a ship!

'Tis merely freeing ocean commerce from burdensome, enterprise-sappin' regulations, me hearty, and besides, I 'ave signed the Hippocratic Oath and 'as Healin' Hands.

And Israel Hands* 'n' all.


A character in R.L. Stevenson's 'Treasure Island', just in case anyone's unaware...

Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:

{reappears excitedly} I found Mistress's scroll pouch! OK Dave, take this! {casts scroll from spell... which causes backlash}

ARGH! {falls over, still smoldering, whimpers feebly:} Medic?

Yarr! It be a talkin' blue cannonball, or perhaps I've been dippin' into me private stock of anaesthetics again.


5 people marked this as a favorite.

Yarr matey, I be most glad that ye're still The Man Who Steel Cannot Kill. May ye terrorise the Spanish Main for many years to come.

As yer pirate physician, I can offer ye the following treatment options:

1) Replace heart with the glowing eye of the deadly snake god Ophidinac, carved from a single melon-sized ruby and pulsing inwardly with an eerie crimson light.
2) Pirate Nurse will gently massage you with a cannonball and/or boarding axe, according to taste.
3) Something involving plenty o'brass, gears, whalebone and moustache wax, should you wish to become a steampunk cyborg.
4) Aromatherapy.

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Be they rum 'n' gunpowder 'n' squid?

If not, get a second opinion from yer pirate physician.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
NobodysHome wrote:
Sharoth wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:
Tacticslion wrote:
Tacticslion wrote:

Come on, guys! That's:

Tiger and Bunny
Re: Zero

... that's too many!

Uh... NH... I can't find Re: Zero on Netflix. :/

(I've seen it before, but it might have been removed...)

Crunchyroll, my friend.

NH, how many of these shows are dubbed? (Sorry Freehold DM, but short attention spa-)

I'm afraid we prefer subs, so I don't know. I know Hulu tends to carry subbed/dubbed a lot, but we're sub snobs so we never check.

And lying down in a hot room is helping immensely. I feel human again and everything!


I recommends the Steamin' Bilges Cure for all earthly ailments, by Mannaan's salt-encrusted pubes!

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Sharoth wrote:
Brrr..., Brrr..., Brrr..., ~sweats~ Being sick sucks.

Yarr, I see a poorly dragon!

Whisky and curry - that'll sort 'ee out, by Dagon's danglers!

Get well soon! :)

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Yarr! Pirate Nurse, what be that?

'Tis Cap'n GoatToucher, the scourge of the Tortuga Monkey Sanctuary, and he's got a clown in 'is colon again?

Shiver me timbers! Well then, fetch I a harpoon, a bucket o' pork fat, three dozen able seamen and the biggest rubber gloves you can find. 'Twill be a long night.

After that, we will attend to GoatToucher.

Angkor's Away!

At Pursat Academicals. Without Yun at right back, they haven't got a hope.

Arrh, that it be, by the salty beard of Golda Meir. Double-splang the 'foreship jingle-flaps 'til the gruel-badger strikes the first Lieutenant's seethin' merkin, ye sons of a half-Dutch whelk-extractor!

Also, by a remarkable coinkydink, it be also Dr. Pirate's day for blindfolded flyin' circumcisions. Those interested should remove their britches, lie face up on the quarterdeck and commend their souls to Valkur.

3 people marked this as a favorite.

"Arrh, I wants to sing shanties inside of yer panties"

Schrodinger's Dice wrote:

As long as no one reads this post, I will have won this thread. And lost it. So no one read this post.


Dr. Pirate's Patented 'Touch It With A Bargepole' Pills can help with that, me hearty.

Kileanna's inner Pirate wrote:

I can do the Spanish piratey thing. But talking like a pirate in English is waaaay too much to me.

I can imitate Alestorm songs, that's my best.

Keelhaul that filty landlubber, send him down to the dephts below, make that bastard walk the plank with a bottle of rum and a yo-ho-ho!

Not bad, matey, but further Pirate Tests be required.

Open wide and say 'Yaaarrrr'

Ar, Pert Id!

On the one hand, I be psychologically sound.

On the other hand, it looks like I got 'Lubber's Tongue' too.

Blast yer poxy [censored], Flash Sally!

1 person marked this as a favorite.

It be my professional opinion that Able Seaman Toucher is sufferin' from what we doctors call 'Lubber's Tongue', which explains his mispronunciation.

Considering where he's been putting it, that ain't a surprise.

Arrh, poor, poor Mr. Mendelbaum. However, since the operation was a success, 'e'll be right as rain once the swelling goes down.

The next poster was struck off The Register.

Arrh, a life on the Billy Ocean waves.

- Ahoy there, Billy {waves back}

A life on the LFG Roland C, which was an advanced German reconnaissance aircraft of WW1

A life on the Billy Ocean waves (again).

- Are ye drownin', Billy, bein' nibbled by prawns, or just bein' friendly?

Is the only life for meeeee.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Rysky wrote:
Limeylongears wrote:
Rysky wrote:
questioning rabbit wrote:
ehh what's up doc?
Nothing much, you?

*Narrows eyes*

But are you reeeeaaaally a doctor?

Are you? Are you?

What definition of doctor are we going with?

Do 'ee 'ave a brass plaque on yer cabin door reading, 'GET YER RUM 'N' SRIRACHA SAUCE ENEMAS 'ERE, SHIPMATES' ?

A speculum instead of a hook on yer left 'and?

A range of good excuses fer rummagin' around in complete strangers' britches?

If so, arrh matey, yer a doctor.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Capt. Tight Pants wrote:
Uh.. I seem to be having a hard time getting mine down...

Splice 'is mainbraces, lads, before it be too late!

Failin' that, we'll 'ave to rig 'ee up to the capstan (yesterday) and:



Jim laaaad...

GoatToucher wrote:

:emerges, wearing only a sailor's cap and a generous application of coconut oil:


Pirate Nurse! We'm got an emergency mainbrace-splicin' on our 'ands! Pass me the rum 'n' laudanum, four marlin-spikes and a Shocking Burst Dire Clyster, and I'll see 'ow far I gets afore one of us passes out.

3 people marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
Y'arr!! Ye lousy land lubbers it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!
The irony of this statement is, I'm the one afraid of being on boats.


Trubble the bosun's skunderbutt and belay yer danglin' purble-ratchets 'til the Mazy-Lankeys squange out the larboard bilges!

Give it five points southwards and slather a Ring-O-Fopptins on the Brassy Mrs. Braithwaite, or I'll ripple yer bucktawns, see if I don't!

Snerk that Octopus!

Sherble that Muff-Billy!

Toy warily with yon glim-dugged flash-packet, or we'll all be kibbled in the pea-green iffley-ditches, so we will!

Also, take three of these each day, after a meal, and avoid caffeine and playin' with yerself in front of 'Watercolour Challenge'

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Batten down the hatches.

Batten them down hard.

Make certain sure the Anti-Squeal Shields are up, and may Besmara have mercy on thy soul.

Although I imagine the tempest has spent its force by now

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Captain Killjoy wrote:
Is this the one I blew up, the one I burned to the waterline, the one I steered onto the shoals to make a fun cracking noise, or the one I haven't stolen yet?


Phantom Ship syndrome - 'tis a dreadful affliction.

My prescription be:

Stop mixing yer rum wi' aircraft fuel, ya little tyke.

Job done. Pirate Nurse, batten down the [censored] and we'll set sail for Booty Island!

2 people marked this as a favorite.


It's the new hit dance. 'Ave a tot o'rum
Hitch up yer britches and wiggle yer bum


2 people marked this as a favorite.


The patient be respondin' well to the Kraken Diet, Pirate Nurse. Ye can put the barbecue sauce suppositories away, unless she insists.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Yarr! He be raving! Pirate nurse, fetch me the rubber anaesthetic!

Pirate nurses. Pirate nurses :) :) :) :). Kindly excuse me for a moment...


Just like meself, Dr G House'll be supporting Ben Carson whatever happens. We doctors gotta stick together!

2 people marked this as a favorite.


In that eventuality, me hearty, just tie the Union Jack to it and steer straight up the Bristol Channel again!


Remember to plunder responsibly, me hearties, and use safety cutlasses, or get a grownup to help ya.

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Rosita the Riveter wrote:
Sharoth wrote:
Rosita the Riveter wrote:
I'm on a boat!
Have fun.
So much fun! I'm out on the top deck, abd the sun and wind feel amazing!


To avoid chafing and redness, take 5 pounds of alligator fat and a hogshead of rumbustion and smear the both all over any exposed portions of yer enviable physique. And be sure to board 'em in the smoke and [The supergroup 'Nazareth' arrive in force and forcibly restrain Dr Pirate from making any allusion to seamen on the poop deck]

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Tacticslion wrote:

As it turns out: sprained wrist. Apparently I'm getting 'roided up.

Maybe I shouldn't have given away my copy of Juiced...


Yaarr, matey!

Me diagnosis be 'Favouriter's Tendon', and fer a pirate's prescription, chop it off with a shark and replace it with a nice rusty hook. Or failing that, take three saucy wenches with a glass o'rum and gunpowder fourteen times a day.

That'll be four doubloons. Thankee!

Seriously, get well soon :)