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Arrh, ye gunpowder enema is a powerful tool indeed.
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Sorry to interrupt, but can anyone tell me how I came back to life?!
A wizard did it.
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:pulls out platinum and silver pocket watch:
Hm. That beast should be arriving at that orphanage for the blind any minute now...
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*Comes to the end of his November vacation, making one last stop in Christmas Town.*
Such a fabulous time away in North Wales, it was a scorching 5°C!
*Walks down the street, snatching sweets and throwing snowballs at unsuspecting police elfficers and blaming innocent children, helping himself to a lot of gaudy Christmas clothes.*
It's a lovely way to spend the last day of my vacation, until my December vacation!
*Begins eating a - stolen - mutton pie, only to sense something coming from behind.*
Oh, no you don't! HEE-YA!
*Karate chops the poor sap to the ground...*
Oops!
Waaahhhh!
You hit Santa, you big meanie, boss.
sniffle
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Quit blubbering, you fool, and help me dispose of the body!
*As Mr. Grinch and Schism begin to move Santa's body, he begins to stir.*
Aargh! I mean... AH, thank goodness he's alright. Schism, get a first aid kit!
*Several minutes later, Santa is on his feet and drinking hot chocolate...*
*But his left arm is broken and he's not very happy.*
Santa: Blast it all Mr. Grinch, it's nearly Christmas time you know!
Yes, I know and again, I'm really sorry!
Santa: Maybe so, but my arm is broken and my bag, too heavy to lift...
*Santa points to Mr. Grinch.*
Santa: So now, it's up to you to give each kid a gift.
Me? Do your job? For real this time? What's in it for for me? Am I going to do it to be on the nice list this year? Can I go for a joyride when I'm finished with the deliveries, or maybe just hit the odd drive-through?
Santa: It's something you'll do... for all good kids in bed.
*Squares up to Mr. Grinch, looking more serious than ever.*
Now, get into my outfit... or I'll bust your fat head!
*In a meek voice.* Yes sir, right away sir, I still have my own sir.
*Coughs to get his voice back to normal.*
Schism, we have work to do!
Does that mean I'm an elf?
SQUEE!
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Does that mean I'm an elf?
SQUEE!
Eh, sort of, you are going to be my little helper.
*Presents reindeer costume to Schism (minus the red nose, else I get a black eye).*
You'll get an actual elf costume later.
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Never mind that. Where's my mutton pie?!
Well, somebody must. We can't afford to lose another regimental mascot, and I'm not filling in form 1068091/bc4 (Pies, mutton, loss of, non-combat incident, by officer of commissioned rank, naked, half, Marmite, smeared with) again. Took me six months last time.
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Well, somebody must. We can't afford to lose another regimental mascot, and I'm not filling in form 1068091/bc4 (Pies, mutton, loss of, non-combat incident, by officer of commissioned rank, naked, half, Marmite, smeared with) again. Took me six months last time.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do! I even have some video footage to show!
*Presents (heavily edited) video footage of Comte de Malodor eating the mutton pie. Due to high quality of the footage, (everyone including Comte de Malodor) is convinced that Comte de Malodor simply forgot that he ate the pie.*
Anyway, I'm curious to know what happens in 15 centuries time...
I assume that I am long dead, having finally decided to retire my position as Lord of Darkness, and my daughter (Vampire Schism) has finally achieved her destiny in becoming the undisputed Blood Queen of the Eternal Night.
And, of course, we already know about GoatToucher becoming a Southern baptist.
In the grim darkness of the future, there are only trombones.
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Very funny, but I think the other bands would say differently.
Anyway, Count Reiner Heydrich was talking to Comte de Malodor. As I understand it, the former sent the latter 15 centuries into the future (yes, to GoatToucher's workroom specifically) and wanted to know how things have changed.
Not that it matters to me, but inquiring minds wish to know.
Besides, I'd like to speak with the count about the minion exchange now.
It is the year 3552, the Blood War's still ongoing, Mummy's in trouble for snubbing Dagon at the Carol Service (Carol requires regular servicing, as I know only too well), 'Everything I Do, I Do It For You' by Bryan Adams is still at number one in the hit parade, and I have changed my underpants.
In the grim darkness of the future, there are only trombones.
...
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Good grief, that is such an unpleasant situation! But what happens to me and everyone else? Surely you gleaned some information about all of that? Please my friend, do not leave me in bewilderment, I must know the truth!
** spoiler omitted **
You finally learn to tie your own shoelaces, Schism marries the immortal emperor of humanity (Harry Styles, painted silver and trapped in a lightbulb), The When is the new host of 'I'm An Inquisitor, Get Me Out Of Here!', and Jambi and GoatToucher have taken over Jim Bakker's show. Buckets for everybody!!!
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You finally learn to tie your own shoelaces, Schism marries the immortal emperor of humanity (Harry Styles, painted silver and trapped in a lightbulb), The When is the new host of 'I'm An Inquisitor, Get Me Out Of Here!', and Jambi and GoatToucher have taken over Jim Bakker's show. Buckets for everybody!!!
But I can already tie my shoelaces, I just prefer getting other people to do it.
Although, since getting these GoatToucher brand loafers, I haven't needed to worry.
Wonderful news about everyone else, no surprise about GoatToucher though.
*Is at the North Pole, checking the naughty and nice list (twice!), and examining the presents while Schism teases the elves, feeds the reindeers (polishing Rudolph's nose in the process) and drinking way too much eggnog lattes.*
One latte is not enough.
That was Hermey.
It's December on Mt. Crumpet,
And Schism is manscaping the Grinch!
Oh, feel those tweezers pinch!
Pull 'em out a quarter of an inch!
It's December on Mt. Crumpet,
Wrapped up in white & scarlet robes,
We will groan at this debacle,
While Schism sprinkles sparkles,
All over Mr Grinch's shiny globes!
Uh, Boss?
I haven't polished the globes yet.
I was too busy putting the 100 pounds of tinsel on each of the trees.
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*Meanwhile, at Castle Heydrich...*
Well, I honestly can't see why you want to employ my bumbling henchmen - Count Reiner Heydrich - they're not worth the trouble! But I hear that your minions are much more competent (if also easily vanquished).
If you really are interested, they are as follows (by official teams):
Evil Warriors:
Beast Man, Evil-Lyn, Trap Jaw, Mer-Man, Tri-Klops, Whiplash, Clawful, Faker, Jitsu, Kobra Khan, Webstor, Spikor, Stinkor, Two-Bad, Blade, Blast-Attak, Ninjor, Scare Glow, Saurod, Twistoid, Karg, Fang Man, Strongarm, Icer, Gygor, Draego-Man, Goat Man, Pigboy
Evil Mutants:
Flogg, Slush Head, Optikk, Lizorr, Hoove, Karatti, Crita, BH, Quakke, Staghorn, Tech Mutants, Grr
Evil Horde:
Horde Prime, Mantenna, Leech, Grizzlor, Callix, Force Captain Adora, Modulok, Catra, Shadow Weaver, Scorpia, Dragstor, Multi-Bot, Rattlor, Dylamug, Tung Lashor, Imp, Admiral Scurvy, Colonel Blast, Mosquitor, Entrapta, Vultak, Octavia, False Face, Prince Zed, Horde Wraith, Evil Robot
Snake Men:
King Hiss, Rattlor, Sssqueeze, Snake Face, Fang-Or, Terroar, Lord Gr'Asp
Naturally, I am not part of the exchange and Hordak is currently "missing. "
I'd like to thank GoatToucher for his excellent advice!
If you're after a henchman, I'm the henchest that ever there was! Worooooooough! Raw Meat!
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Evil Warriors:
Beast Man, Evil-Lyn, Trap Jaw, Mer-Man, Tri-Klops, Whiplash, Clawful, Faker, Jitsu, Kobra Khan, Webstor, Spikor, Stinkor, Two-Bad, Blade, Blast-Attak, Ninjor, Scare Glow, Saurod, Twistoid, Karg, Fang Man, Strongarm, Icer, Gygor, Draego-Man, Goat Man, Pigboy
Evil Mutants:
Flogg, Slush Head, Optikk, Lizorr, Hoove, Karatti, Crita, BH, Quakke, Staghorn, Tech Mutants, Grr
Evil Horde:
Horde Prime, Mantenna, Leech, Grizzlor, Callix, Force Captain Adora, Modulok, Catra, Shadow Weaver, Scorpia, Dragstor, Multi-Bot, Rattlor, Dylamug, Tung Lashor, Imp, Admiral Scurvy, Colonel Blast, Mosquitor, Entrapta, Vultak, Octavia, False Face, Prince Zed, Horde Wraith, Evil Robot
Snake Men:
King Hiss, Rattlor, Sssqueeze, Snake Face, Fang-Or, Terroar, Lord Gr'Asp
Naturally, I am not part of the exchange and Hordak is currently "missing. "
Excellent, I'll take them all! Daughter, set up the new lodgings!
I'll try, but we are running low on rooms.
Even with 8 minions to a room, I may have to start doubling up our guests.
Is Snake Mountain being redecorated or something?
Aye, 'appen it were.
The South Wing of the Mortis Mansion is completely empty (make use of the lower levels too).
When did the Mortis family cousins move out?
They were still 'living' there when you sent me on that last inter-dimensional mission.I'll put the more unruly minions in the lower levels.
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The South Wing of the Mortis Mansion is completely empty (make use of the lower levels too).When did the Mortis family cousins move out?
They were still 'living' there when you sent me on that last inter-dimensional mission.I'll put the more unruly minions in the lower levels.
My family slaughtered all of them years ago, it's been owned by me ever since.
Ever since becoming count, that is.
Is Snake Mountain being redecorated or something?
It still remains back in the original dimension, unless you can bring it here?
Then who have I been talking to?
A ghost?
Don't talk about us as if we weren't there!
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Well, let's see. Everybody what Joshua did at the battle of Jericho, when the walls collapsed because of his appalling trumpet solo, so logically, if the reverse happens and the goblins tootle constructively on their flugelhorns, the snakes will sick it back up and it will be built anew. Happy to give it a go if you pay me £12.75, 50% upfront.