Judging by the tooth-marks and dribble all over 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar', you've made a start, at least.*Laughs profusely for a while.*
I don't get it...
Have a nibble on this Danielle Steele, then.
Tell me about it. What's worse, the blasted publishers insist that royalties are split between all of them. Gah!
It is the way you said witch.
You didn't show enough respect when you said it.
*Is surprised to see Vanessa Pablovovitch Shachtman.*
What are you doing here, witch?
*Gets unapproved looks from others.*
Oh, I'm not insulting her, she really is a witch.
No, I'm not. It's mere coincidence that I have a nest in the top of a tree with a bunch of oat-fed stolen penises in it.
And I'm here because I am desperate for cash and have agreed to novelise GoatToucher's erotic history of the Crusades, which probably represents the absolute nadir of anyone's writing career.
:Jambi enters, bearing an ornate ivory platter:
:GT gestures, and a small tome appears on the platter, bearing the title The Complete AO3 Erotica:
:Jambi approaches Lhunk, proffering the platter. When the latter hesitates, GT gestures again:
:the tome turns to liquid and crawls from the platter and into all of Lhunk's head-holes:
Enjoy.
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Maleficent: Alright Heartless, man your Gummi Ships and make ready for outer space!
Hades: Indeed, we have new (or rather, old) worlds to create!
Ursula: Finally, I will have a Kingdom of Atlantica that's mine, ALL MINE!
Gaston: Not to mention, that my world will have a Belle that will absolutely adore me!
Lady Tremaine: Let's not get ahead of ourselves, we must ensure everything goes right!
CLU: Way ahead of you, I'm running the calculations and diagnostics right now!
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Jafar: Lhunk makes a good point, what if we do get bored with our own worlds?
Madam Mim: Well, perhaps that's when we go on holiday! Explore new things and whatnot.
Captain Hook: To be fair, my world will be created in a way to deal with that problem.
Yzma: Besides, with the Heartless, we can easily create a galaxy wide sphere of influence.
Bored, but clearly not bored enough. Hubbins, fetch me my rusty pack drill.
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Let me get this straight, you don't take action when I rip your best dress or when I set your beloved Dirty Dangler's beard on fire, but I throw rocks at your house purely because I don't have anything to do and now you take action? What a wacky world we live in!
1) The grunge look is SO hot right now.
2) Regularly burning off underbrush promotes healthy new growth.Now hold still while I turn you into an ocarina. Then you'll never be without a useful purpose, will you?
Finally got out of there.
Here is my report.
Give Count Heydrich a salty report.
Now I need to take a mind bleach shower.
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Now, now, daughter. I'm sure that you're just exaggerating about your experiences.
*Gives Vampire Schism a blood flavoured mint before she goes to the shower.*
I could have just left you there you know, never to awake.
*Reads the report, becomes quite intrigued with the findings.*
Fascinating, even without the main sources of the darkness, it still remains there.
*Quickly grabs his copy of The Complete AO3 Erotica, shows it to Lady Blackmoor.*
** spoiler omitted **
Oh, look, Mummy. Uncle Gilles has found a job.
Good. I see they've grown back, too, unless that's actually a marrow and two grapefruits. The photo isn't terribly well lit.
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Jafar: Yes, an odd choice for the front cover, but there we go.
Gaston: *Scoffs.* Mine are of much better quality, I assure you!
Madame Medusa: *Looks disgusted.* Thank you, we are greatly relieved to know that!
Captain Hook: Too true, still, we are very impressed with the overall quality therein.
Horned King: Agreed, but we must now return to our work, the Heartless are in position.
Queen of Hearts: Excellent! Now construction of the planets can begin immediately!
He is (correctly) fearful that, if he sticks around, Lady Blackmoor will turn him into a wind instrument.
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*As Vampire Schism takes a shower, an octopus-like creature known as a Saltsucker lands on her head and begins to use its tentacles to absorb the natural salt on her skin, as her father enters the bathroom.*
Daughter, forgive me for entering unannounced but, I was wondering if you have seen my newest pet; it's a Saltsucker and, don't worry, it is perfectly harmless unless...
*Sees everything, starts speaking to Vampire Schism slowly.*
Just relax and don't make any sudden moves, it just wants the salt in your skin.
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annoyed glare
You did this on purpose.
First, all your showers use saltwater.
Now the Saltsucker.
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Returns to aimlessly wandering across the land, mind blank to the results of the gladiatorial pit, choosing to be in uninhabited areas to limit the amount of interaction with others. Seeking nothing but eternal rest.
:a squad of well muscled, scantily clad, and heavily oiled men rush out and pile onto the beast, wrestling it to the floor. While the assembled buck and writhe, Jambi emerges, approaches the beast, and reaches out to pluck a faintly glowing green bulb the size of a grapefruit. This is excruciatingly painful for the beast, who begins to flail about, dashing the men against the ground, against walls, and high into the air as Jambi approaches GoatToucher:
:takes the bulb in a hand, examining it:
Ah. The Suffering Gland. It distills the physical and existential agonies in to a useable form.
:to Jambi: It will regrow. We'll harvest again next month. For now, release it back out into the world. Make sure it is seen.
:hands Jambi the gland: Put this with the others. :licks his fingers absently:
OK, OK, but does this mean there's a self-propelled sousaphone in need of gainful employment?
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annoyed glare
You did this on purpose.
First, all your showers use saltwater.
Now the Saltsucker.
Actually, I think you'll find I use herbal water, regular water drains our energy.
The Saltsucker was a gift from my wife (wife number 48 to be exact), and hasn't been fully trained yet. It just keeps wondering around looking for salt to eat, however it can only do so by latching on to something and eat the salt on it's surface.
*Having consumed enough salt from Vampire Schism's skin, the Saltsucker drops to the ground satisfied. This allows the count to effortlessly (yet carefully) pick the Saltsucker up.*
Be thankful it wasn't my previous two pets, or my newly acquired Carnivorous Ape.
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:a squad of well muscled, scantily clad, and heavily oiled men rush out and pile onto the beast, wrestling it to the floor. While the assembled buck and writhe, Jambi emerges, approaches the beast, and reaches out to pluck a faintly glowing green bulb the size of a grapefruit. This is excruciatingly painful for the beast, who begins to flail about, dashing the men against the ground, against walls, and high into the air as Jambi approaches GoatToucher:
:takes the bulb in a hand, examining it:
Ah. The Suffering Gland. It distills the physical and existential agonies in to a useable form.
:to Jambi: It will regrow. We'll harvest again next month. For now, release it back out into the world. Make sure it is seen.
:hands Jambi the gland: Put this with the others. :licks his fingers absently:
*After killing all the men, "runs" away as fast as it can.*
*Some time later, the creature slows its pace, it's mind rendered blank once more.*
*However, the creature is aware that it is no longer in any kind of pain.*
*Begins calmly walking in a random direction, unaware of where it may go.*
Ah, now, the suffering comes when it emerges out the other end.
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*Encounters the pile of suffering glands.*
These seem edible, eating one should alright.
*Picks up one of the suffering glands and bites into it, enjoying the sweet taste.*
So, this is what suffering tastes like, I expected a sour aftertaste.
Oh no. When prepared properly, suffering has a marvelous flavor.
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What other end? What goes in, doesn't come back out.
I think you'll find that once suffering passes through you, it will make an exit. Not to worry: anuses are wonderful things, and the... shall we say, profound evacuation you will have is an important part of the experience.
Particularly if you have never evacuated before. This will be terrible. I'm very excited for you!
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Please shriek into this microphone. For posterity, of course.
OK, OK, but does this mean there's a self-propelled sousaphone in need of gainful employment?
Yoko! Is that you?
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No, I think you'll find her in the next room over. Practicing banshee wailing.
*Goes to the castle greenhouse (which is more of a jungle in a glass dome) and admires/tends to some of the tropical plants. Curiously, the count does not approach his latest addition - a large and magnificent looking dragon fruit tree - which has pride of place in a small clearing.*
The Saltsucker was a gift from my wife (wife number 48 to be exact)
starts mental calculating
I don't think you mentioned that one before.So far I only know of 20 (scattered numbers, not the first 20).
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The Saltsucker was a gift from my wife (wife number 48 to be exact)starts mental calculating
I don't think you mentioned that one before.
So far I only know of 20 (scattered numbers, not the first 20).
Wife number 48 was my only human wife, she passed away many years ago. And before you ask daughter, her ghost brought the Saltsucker to me, as she vowed to never rest until she found one.
*Points to the dragon fruit tree, looking most serious.*
You're probably not going to take my advice, but, stay away from that!
*Coughs to change the subject.*
Anyway, we must preparations, Skeletor is coming to the castle, as we both agreed to a minion exchange, and I need to make sure that he gets good quality minions. Don't worry, daughter, neither you or my Vampyres are to be exchanged.
