Belfor Vittanis

Comte de Malodor's page

160 posts. Alias of Limeylongears.


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Why? Is it the Acheron State Fair Stench Kow Calling Contest again?

Teeheeheehee! Oh, stoppit! EEEheeheeheehee!

Well, that depends, doesn't it? Ooohoohoohohoo! Hee!

One does not merely play at bone breweries!

That's how great-great-great uncle Isidore made his fortune, y'know.

There speaks a true connoisseur.

Nope. Mummy's been eating candied gnomes before bedtime again.

I'm puuuushing it!!!

What about my *other problem?*

OMD, it's finally happening - and in the biggest paddling pool filled with gelatine-based dessert in all Avernus! Ohhh, raptures!

I'm on laudanum.

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Well, if you have a better idea as to what to do with them, let's hear it.

I say, can I have 20 of those 50 gallons, a hose, and several corks of different sizes? I have a large number very well-fed Kender I wish to launch at the Tana'ari just before the Spring Offensive.


Shall I bombard him with virtue-seeking HE kender, Mumsie?

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Nosferatu Fester Addams wrote:

They're MY housemaids now!

*Evil laugh, despite sounding nothing like an evil laugh.*

But they will still do all of their assigned duties in terms of housework.

They have a whole bunch of assigned duties, but what is this "howes-wurk" you speak of?

Or did you mean 'hoe-'


Will this madness never end?

(Also, where are my housemaids?)

Turn the temperature on this hot tub down a bit, will you?

A solid yes! I like your enthusiasm. We'll have you re-bored, then you can start right away.

Wow, nice.

Tell me, Skiron, have you ever considered a position as a 155mm howitzer?

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:
I seriously don't know just how you managed to be a tour guide (aside from no-one else being willing). Besides, I'd appreciate it very much if you didn't scare people away with your "magic weasel" trick and stop using those that don't immediately run away as ammunition for whatever reason! Just try and convince people to go touring my castle at night, so I can get some fresh blood. Do I have to turn my castle into a school and/or holiday resort or something? Now I need a vacation!

It's true, 8 out of 10 visitors are scared off by the "magic weasel" trick. The remaining 20%, however...

If it's night-time guests you're after, I shall brush up on my "glow-in-the-dark magic weasel trick". How's that?

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Hum, yes. Clearly I shall have to find a new source of ammunition.

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I have won, if by 'won', you mean electrocuted, flogged and plucked bald by my wife and mother, then turned into an explosive gnome and fired from one of my own cannons at Orcus.

Papa used to pay a fortune for that sort of thing, though, so I probably shouldn't complain.

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It was the chamber where the first (and only) performance of my blockbuster musical, 'Young Alphonse's Book of Practical Spanks' took place, and now it's gone. GONE!!!

Ow yaroosh garoo, you rotten sneak!!!

I've been busy.

Uncle Honore opened a portal to the Demiplane of Housemaids for me.

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

Actually, I think you'll find that it is BOTH of those things!

*Takes Lady Blackmoor aside to speak with her in private.*

I'm not sure how to best say this but, your mother has lost the latest crusade of the Blood War

Well, we wouldn't have done if our armour-piercing gnomes had lived up to their name. Their pointy little red hats just collapsed when they struck those Abyssal Retrievers, to say nothing of the gnomes themselves.

Ow Muuuummm, you're embarrassing meee....

Put on this pink fluffy blindfold and roll your left trouser leg up (skin will do, if you're not wearing any). Then bend over and repeat after me:

"I, a lonely traveller and earnest seeker after wisdom, am now 100% prepared for spanks"

Makes the Blood War look like a Sunday picnic at the beach.

Both Lashcastrakaa and Juliette are members.

Oh no, sorry. They're steamroller derby girls.

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Ah! Zisprouffe! Enconculdenourrinè! Lathessipourre de la quenzeuresque! Les petites pussiplesques dans un dindichée guerguenierre! Desquochet!

Dedrick, The Professor wrote:

*Uses a special handheld device to administer a tranquilizing fluid straight into Koko's neck.*

This one will be perfect for GoatToucher to use!

*As Koko is tied up while being sedated, Malvel casts a spell to turn the kitten into a hellcat.*

Very nice! Let's see who can handle it. Comte de Malodor perhaps? Or maybe Vidmaster7?

*Smiles a nasty smile, as the hellcat is unleashed!*

Well, I should be able to. Either I can blow it up with my battery of Hamster Howitzers, or, if it gets too close, I'll knock it unconscious with a single swing of my enormous 'wrecking balls'.

o no...

GeneStealer Mining Corporation wrote:

Don't you dare confuse us with your kroot mistresses, uncle!

*Comte de Malodor gets an uneasy feeling as he discovers both Lady Blackmoor and Dowager Comtesse de Malodor are standing right behind him, with disappointed looks on their faces.*

They're sloads. Sloads, do you hear me?

GeneStealer Mining Corporation wrote:

Don't you dare confuse us with your kroot mistresses, uncle!

*Comte de Malodor gets an uneasy feeling as he discovers both Lady Blackmoor and Dowager Comtesse de Malodor are standing right behind him, with disappointed looks on their faces.*

Besides, OUR duty is the maintenance and repair of all the tectonic fragdrills that YOU convinced us to build!

*The image of Count Reiner Heydrich appears and watches everything going on.*

"I know that MY family have no such thing as 'familial ties' but to think that Comte de Malodor doesn't have them either is a bit sad really."

Well, no. this is a familial cravat.

Not so much telling lies as firing solidified falsehoods out of a cannon made of crystallised deceit (not a metaphor - that's what my superiors, in their infinite wisdom, have given me to work with). Clearly it needs calibrating, which is what my nieces & nephews should be doing instead of pratting about in a free-fire zone. Get over here!

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I am giving you orders because I am Lance Ensign-Major Comte de Malodor of 9 Battery, 33rd Flatulent Howitzers, smart-arse, and we are blowing up the tower because Mummy wants a new one and this is the only way we can still get a replacement under the terms of the warranty. Besides, GT has been coming back to toy with it on occasion, and we'd be doing it a kindness. Now button your lip and, on the command 'one', prime that halfling!

Sergeant Baskerville wrote:


Well done, Sergeant!

Alright, you devils - at ease. Our objective today is the giant tower with fangs and tentacles over there, which we are to bombard with explosive halflings until it bursts into tears. Any questions?

Like a tissue-paper jockstrap, it never lasts.

Dr. Sigmund wrote:
Sounds like all of you need a session with you know who.

Hauboy, are you in for a good time. *Cracks mental knuckles*

GoatToucher's after me, too, so you may wish to stock up on your narcotic of choice beforehand.

Don't clamp my balls!!

{Enters the Sadisto-Citadel of Ultimate Blood. Throws black, spiked helmet on peg}

Honey, I'm ho-ome!

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Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!

Gawd bless ya, Mary GoatPoppins!

It's Regimental Tradition to stroke the ammunition before firing!

Wow, that was a shock - worse than the time when I found out the hard way that a gelugon is not, in fact, a chewy Italian iced dessert.

Still, now I have nothing to do except design new uniforms for the erinyes servants in Mummy's Castle of Despair. Hee hee!

Dearest darling honeybunch sweetie cupcake, are genestealers CE, NE or LE?

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What was wrong with the 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign I bought you?

Don't talk to me about screams. Freshly commissioned 2nd Lt. Comte de Malodor reporting from the howling plains of Acheron, in the middle of the Blood War. I am in charge of a battery of lemure artillery - it's a good job they have no bones, as it makes it easier to stuff them down the cannon - and the tedium and horror of armed conflict have inspired me to become a War Poet, like Vidal Sassoon.


There was a young fellow from Hades
Who became quite a hit with the ladies
Both devils and demons
Queued up for his semens
As did Cardinal Conor O'Grady.

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:
He'd rather subject you to horrible torture and steal your housemaids. But I am able to speak to him on your behalf. What is it that you wish to say? Please keep in mind that both your sister and your mother are right behind you.

Good, good! I say, Mummy and Juliette, how do you fancy an all-expenses paid trip to Giant Monkey World!

Malvel, may I have a quiet word with you?

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

Good grief, Marat is a real person?! I guess that there is some truth to the legend after all. What do you think, Comte de Malodor?

*Turns around to get a response only to see Comte de Malodor get attacked (and torn to shreds) by all of the nuns, as they have been turned into vampires.*

On second thought, I'll ask you later, you're quite clearly very busy right now.

Why, yes, I am - look at all these naughty undead ladies! Tearing a nobleman of France to shreds, tch tch - I see I shall have to teach you ALL a lesson! (Hee hee!)

Mummy! Juliet! Really!

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