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145. "I never pay taxes, and I DON'T fear the IRS!"
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145. "I never pay taxes, and I DON'T fear the IRS!"
Any ruler who collects taxes from the PCs is a tyrant, and people have always wanted him to be overthrown, don't you know?
142. They plan various stratagems for distracting the party paladin while they torture their captive for important quest information in the next room.
142 b. Paladins will randomly mention how they dumped wisdom so they can't possibly be aware of what's going on while the rest of the party has extremely vocal debates.
144. Aren't prepared to battle swarms, even though they fear those more than any other enemy.
I have seen this time and time again.
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145. Will stand toe to toe with a lich, dragon, or demi-god in combat but will run like rabbits at the sight of a rust monster.
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146. Will focus attacks to neutralize a spell caster ASAP. However, they are truly shocked and dismayed if anyone else does the same.
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151. Hit the party rogue's Armor Class, and the player, EVERY. TIME., says "but i have Evasion". And she's not just joking around.
142. They plan various stratagems for distracting the party paladin while they torture their captive for important quest information in the next room.142 b. Paladins will randomly mention how they dumped wisdom so they can't possibly be aware of what's going on while the rest of the party has extremely vocal debates.
142 C to Z. (worth the read, trust me.) It was our 11th hour, we'd hounded the streets for days trying to round up cult agents and get information out of them.
We found out the plague was already in most of the food and water, as they had been at it for months, but a ritual needed to be completed for it to become active.
The cultists were hard to break, and our group (generally not the nicest folks) wanted to torture it out of them. Naturally, Sir Peter was opposed.
"We can't preserve freedom while denying it to others. It's not right, we can't do it, and I won't allow it."
Chris wasn't being a dick, he was just playing the character. As much as our characters might not have liked it, we as players were having lots of fun. The added drama really worked.
We managed to capture a high priest of the cult, someone responsible for conducting the ritual in this part of the land. It turns out the ritual needed to be conducted at the same time in several parts of the kingdom at once, in order to deliver the maximum effect.
We need to know the other locations, or else all our efforts would have just saved one northern barony and not the whole land. He gave us no choice but to beat it out of him.
Sir Peter wanted no part of this: "If you're going to treat a man like some animal for the slaughter, then don't expect me to sit by and watch." He then stormed out, and let us carry on in our work.
We'd been at it hours, and we couldn't get the guy to crack. He just wouldn't tell us anything. He was covered in cuts, had lost a toe at our hands, was dripping in his own blood, but still won't give us want we needed. We were going to give up and try another method, when all of a sudden, our doorway darkens and in walks Sir Peter. He's wearing nothing but his tunic and pants, unarmed, bar for a half drank jug of some form of strong booze in hand.
In steps into the room and announces:
"If you're going to do this, do it right..."
He walks over to the bound cultist, tosses aside his bottle, lifts the chair and sits in front of the beaten man.
Sir Peter:
"I don't want to hurt you, I just need to know the locations of your brethren, then this can be all over for you, I will make sure you are safe and cared for."
Cultist:
"Ha! I know who you are, Sir Peter Fairgrave; kingdom breaker, runaway child, father slayer. You can't threaten me: I know what you are. Your order, your God won't allow you to lay your hands on me, otherwise you'll fall, and you won't be able to help a soul."
Sir Peter:
*sighs* "You seem to be under the misconception about what I am, what I do. I am a paladin, that is true; but as a paladin I don't fear falling... I look forward to it."
The cultist shot a nervous look at the rest of the party, we were all looking at each other, not sure what was about to happen. The cultist opened his mouth to speak, but Sir Peter cut him off.
Sir Peter:
"As a paladin, I walk on a razor's edge. Not between good and evil, I could never be something like you, but between "law" and "justice". The "law" I follow doesn't permit me to harm you, but I could be "justified" in anything I did to you in order to save innocent lives. ANYTHING!"
"You don't know what it is like to be me. You don't know the pain of having to store all your anger, all your fury, all your sense of justice, and hold it inside you, all day every day for the rest of your life. Doing the right thing doesn't mean I get to stop all evil, I just get to trim it when it becomes overgrown. The path I walk is not about vengeance, or what's right; it's about moderation in the face of power, restraint and compassion for scum like you.
"This is why paladins don't fear falling. We don't spend all day looking for ways to prevent ourselves from doing evil and giving in to the darkness -- we actively seek it out. Every time we face evil, we ask ourselves, 'Is this the threat that I'm going to give it all up for? Is this what I am going to give up my ability to help others in the future, in order to bring it down now. Is this the evil that I am willing to forsake my God and my power to stop?!'".
At this point, he stands up suddenly and swings his arm against the chair he was sitting on. Sending it flying and shattered against a wall, he then kicks over the chair the cultist was sitting on, he leaps and straddles his chest, flinging him about for a few seconds in pure rage, before calming once more.
He looks the cultist straight in the face, both their noses just inches from each other.
"What you should be asking yourself now, what you really need to be thinking about, is: 'Is what I'm doing something that will make this guy want to fall?' Because you should know that once I fall, all those rules which protect you from me are gone. No longer will I be able to be stopped by you, or by my order, or by my God. If I give everything, and I mean give everything, I will never stop. If you escape me today, I will hunt you down and grab you into the pits of hell myself. Even if that means that I have to invoke the wrath of every demon in creation, just so they throw open a pit and drag me down where I stand, because when they do drag me down, I will make sure that my fists are wrapped firmly around your ankles and you go down with me. I want you to listen to me now, and I mean really listen, because Hell truly hath no fury like a paladin scorned."
"So I ask you, one last time: tell me where the other rituals are being held, or I swear to all on high that I will fall, and fall hard, just so I can show you what it is that paladin truly keeps his code in order to hold back..."
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At this point the player, Chris, just stops talking and looks at us. We are all kind of stunned by his speech, naturally.
He just picks up a D20, looks at the DM and says "I wish to roll intimidate."
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Awesome paladin
Annnd now I actually want to play a paladin someday...
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Beautiful.....
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113. Remove a vertebrae of their enemy just because it has a ring of regeneration 1 enchantment applied to it.
113a. Continue to carry this vertebrae around in the druid's pocket, determined to find someone who can un-fuse the metal from the bone in order to reforge it as a functioning ring.
I love the ridiculous things I can get my greedy players to do for money.
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Awesome Paladin Story
Ahh, the Powder Keg of Justice story.
Anyways, to contribute:
114: Consider fear to be a magical compulsion rather than the body's instinctual reaction to imminent danger. Thus, unless actively made afraid by some ability, will have no qualms about charging a massive, pus-oozing demon who just devoured twenty soldiers, or flinging spells at a gargantuan flying menace currently divebombing the party.
115: Evil cultists who sacrifice children to their dark god, tyrannical warlords who torture and subjugate their population to crush all hopes and dreams, and vile necromancers raising armies of the dead will be battled with absolutely no gravitas, treated as simply another threat, dispatched with pithy one-liners and unwavering bravado
115b: However, pickpockets or thieves who manage to steal a few items from them, will be ruthlessly hunted down with a seriousness and determination that makes the Inevitables raise their metallic eyebrows, and when caught, they will exact a vengeance that makes a Kyton shudder.
116: Threats to their very lives will be dismissed or taken as a challenge, met head-on. Threats to their equipment will often force a panicked retreat.
(Okay, a slightly expanded version of the above "run at the sight of a rust monster" but I like it.)
117: When things do not go their way, are often heard cursing out a strange being known alternatively as "Diem" or "Jiem." No theologian can find any mention of who this entity might be.
118: Will carry a king's ransom, if not more, in magical weapons, armour, items, and clothing, and carry the gold of several dragon's hoards. Despite this, they will never even think of staying in high-class inns, even though they could stay in one for a month for less than the cost of the last Ring of Protection they sold off. Instead, they will always opt to find the cheapest rooms available.
119: Will dine on nothing but iron rations for weeks on end, without suffering any malnutrition effects, and show no desire for anything but the cheapest potato stews available at above cheapest inns.
120: Even if they sleep in fine rooms, in violation of the above, they will likely all sleep in the same room, instead of taking personal rooms, and set up watches, even if the inn is well guarded, and in the center of the most secure, stable city in the realm, many miles from any sort of threat.
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Ahh, remembered a few others
121: Where others will praise the heavens to receive aid by a divine champion of the light, who charges his sword with holy energy to smite evil wherever it may lay, they instead debate among themselves if accepting aid from such a person would 'cramp their style.'
122: They observe strange, seemingly arbitrary divisions in a person's career, which they declare as absolutes. Take three minstrels of varying skills and abilities. For reasons known only to them, only one minstrel will be called a "Bard," another will be called a "Sorcerer" (Maestro bloodline they may say, if pressed,) while the third, regarded by all others as the superior musician by far, will be called a "rogue with wasted skill points."
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123. They will stand around wondering how to get across a chasm or up a cliff, when suddenly one of them will turn to another who has wings and say "Wait a minute, can't you fly?" And the winged one will say "Oh, right. Forgot about that."
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124. When a cat hisses at a commoner, they start taking bets.
125. They feel entitled to great amounts of wealth. Specifically, they feel entitled to an exact value of net worth, depending on how experienced they are.
126. Asking if you can enter their home gets you a stake through the chest.
127. Touching them gets a similarly violent reaction.
128. They cast spells with no warning. Anyone else trying this is annihilated immediately.
129. Knights with the morality of Judge Dredd are typically seen as their kindest and most merciful members.
130. Offer them an explicitly magic potion and they will take it happily. Give them an ordinary drink and they assume poison.
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131 carry mounts, familiars, animal companions etc in their pockets so they have them when needed and can easily stow them when not.
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132. Trying to redeem the sexy demon or even the pathetically pug-like, ugly cute dretch.
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133, "We have a problem, sir."
"What is it?"
"It's... Well, you better see it for yourself. Just look out the window."
The mayor removes his night cap and takes a look at the town square through the bedroom window. Outside is a scene of unbelievable carnage. Large fires blazing out of control, whole areas of people, living and dead, on fire, screaming weakly, entire blocks of houses toppled, the town fountain spurting blood, and so on.
"Heavens, George, what happened???"
"Well, it appears the group of adventurers who saved the town last week were attacked by a rather large group of assassins. The carnage is incredible. But, that is not all, either."
"What could be worse?"
"A few minutes before the attack, the town tax collector decided to demand taxes from the adventurers."
"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Where are they now?"
"The tavern is still standing. They are there, drinking happily."
"So basically, the tax collector has been disappeared, the King's army is coming here in retaliation, the entire center of town is obliterated, and we have no city guards left?"
"About sums it up, sir."
"Hmmm... post a reward in the tavern for..."
The mayor checks his purse.
"...a hundred and fifty three gold pieces for the heroes who defend our town against the approaching army of..."
A bit of silence.
"...the wicked Lord Brathagu."
"Are you serious, sir?"
"Oh yes. I like survival, and after they trounce the army, independence isn't going to be much of a problem."
145. "I never pay taxes, and I DON'T fear the IRS!"Any ruler who collects taxes from the PCs is a tyrant, and people have always wanted him to be overthrown, don't you know?
I never counted player characters as people, did you?
134. Cannibals are looking for us in the dense jungle and this flying creature is stalking the party. I'll use my flare gun on it.
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135. Only feel emotion when magically forced to.
136. When they see a gazebo they burst out laughing. And then destroy it.
137. Nothing is weird about the esteemed Sir Bearington, whatever do you mean?
138. Luchadors bring reverent tears to their eyes.
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139. Insist on paying everything with rope from a magical robe that produces it.
140. Will steal the carpet from an ancient dungeon and sell it for exorbitant amounts of money.
141. Won't take notice when a fox kit pops out of the druid's hat but when a tiny bat does it it's cause for alarm.
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142. Weird hangups on sleeping exactly 8 hours. When actual people vary a lot in the hours they sleep and need, and pre-modern people did not typically sleep 8 straight hours, but in two blocks of sleep (fascinating stuff, check it out).
143. Always knowing when 8 hours of sleeping are up, and awakening immediately thereafter.
144. Sleeping in filthy, dusty, dangerous dungeons and never having trouble getting to sleep.
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145. Magically know the price of every magic item known to humanoids (and then some), know everything about the one item in the multiverse that fits their abilities perfectly and expect to find it in the next hamlet or treasure hoard (depending on something called "GM's Magic Shop syndrome").
146. Know all the rumors (even those that locals themselves would be hard-pressed to know) in any town in the known multiverse (and then some), even if they never left their hometown before.
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147. Suddenly vanish, only to reappear at a later point, knowing everything as if they had been there all along.
148. Not noticing the sudden vanishing/reappearing of their friends.
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Awesome paladinAnnnd now I actually want to play a paladin someday...
"Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to discover why I have so many."
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149. Kill each over to see who can decapitate themselves first and don the false artifact head.
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6. Day 1: "I don't detect any traps. I'm gonna check again, just in case I was wrong." "You sure? You said there weren't any." "Yeah, but, you know...um...nevermind, I'm just checking again."
Day 2: "I don't detect any traps." "Gonna check again?" "Nope. I know there aren't any." "How?" "Um...nevermind that."
6a. "I don't detect any traps." (To the fighter) "Go ahead and open the door."
6a. "I don't detect any traps." (To the fighter) "Go ahead and open the door."6. Day 1: "I don't detect any traps. I'm gonna check again, just in case I was wrong." "You sure? You said there weren't any." "Yeah, but, you know...um...nevermind, I'm just checking again."
Day 2: "I don't detect any traps." "Gonna check again?" "Nope. I know there aren't any." "How?" "Um...nevermind that."
One can... never be too careful.
Also, there might be enemies on the other side with readied crossbow bolts with your name on them. That's where the fighter comes in.
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150.If they go too long without someone trying to murder them, they become annoyed and bored.
151. Psychologically incapable of treating kings and other authority figures with respect.
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Curse the no editing after X time function.
20A) 90% of adventurers wielding their family blade steeped in centuries of history and tradition, weilded by their ancestors for a dozen generations shall toss it in the nearest bin as soon as they get something magical.
I bought a house and hung mine on the wall. But yeah, good point.
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145. Magically know the price of every magic item known to humanoids (and then some), know everything about the one item in the multiverse that fits their abilities perfectly and expect to find it in the next hamlet or treasure hoard (depending on something called "GM's Magic Shop syndrome").
146. Know all the rumors (even those that locals themselves would be hard-pressed to know) in any town in the known multiverse (and then some), even if they never left their hometown before.
Another GM and I disabled 145 in our games. Those obsessed with items were shocked and protested.
Denied.
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152. Has tactical knowledge about every monster in the world and doesn't have any ranks in knowledge.
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151. Psychologically incapable of treating kings and other authority figures with respect.Was there ever an authority figure that deserved respect?
At least respect in the sense that if I piss him off he'll have my throat cut.
Only works if he can actually cut your throat.
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And until he does, you don't know he can.
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154. They have a disproportionate fear of highly-improbable occurrences, like bad guys with vorpal blades. Or true strike boulder precipitation.
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121. Walks into town through the main gate in black robes and a black face mask thinking no one will think it looks odd.
Hey, I think they must be talking about Drizzt 254875.9. Always in all black and always with a facemask, but he can't seem to figure out why the General Store owner freaks out when he's schmoozing with the Store owner's daughter.
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154. true strike boulder precipitation.Is that the Mythic version of Meteor Swarm?
Well, the divine equivalent is orbital bovine bombardment, and psions have mass driver strike; you probably know it better as:
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121. Walks into town through the main gate in black robes and a black face mask thinking no one will think it looks odd.Hey, I think they must be talking about Drizzt 254875.9. Always in all black and always with a facemask, but he can't seem to figure out why the General Store owner freaks out when he's schmoozing with the Store owner's daughter.
I for one know for a fact that I look and sound and act oddly and will likely get weird stares. Because I speak in a relentless emotionless monotone no matter what. And I'm definitely no Drizzt clone.
TSBP is merely a CR 34 environmental hazard.
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155. Day One: The subjects were seen entering the manor of Count Evvil Von Litch. Several of the subjects were barely clad in scanty, impractical armor, and most owned only nutritionally inadequate "trail rations" with which to feed themselves.
Day Seven: Several of the subjects were seen leaving the manor of Count Evil Von Litch, all well-fed and well-clothed. Subjects were carrying several dozen sacks of gold, numerous family heirlooms of the Litch family, and the corpses of the rest of their party. Also, the Count's severed head.
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7. "I take down the tank with my dual-wielded pepperbox pistols! OH YEAH!"
And I thought I was the only GM stupid enough to allow this.
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Nope! Me too!