All's Well that Ends in a Well

Game Master Choon

I myself am primarily interested in your thoughts on my fluff, and if it seems complete enough. Do you need to know more details about my character, or are the hints I've included enough?

I am unsure where you get +16 initiative though, I see +4 dex, +4 feat, +2 trait, +1 ioun stone, and +4 familiar this adds up to only +15 (which is pretty good)

I think adding a little more in the fluff (detailing something that happened to get up to level 4. maybe how your wife died?

I am already looking at possible interactions / relationship with Kayla (non-romantic)

Fluff would definitely be good. I'm pretty happy overall with my crunch, but making sure my math is right and the stat block is easy to read would be helpful. I'll give Maglin a look over, as well.

The missing initiative comes from an alternate racial trait, fleet of foot, which trades out weapon familiarity and keen senses for +2 initiative and the Run feat. My dexterity mod is only +3, so I think that comes out to +16. In my opinion, that's the most important number on my character sheet, so I want it to be pretty high. I haven't actually done the math on opposed checks, but I think it means that against most mods I'll go first almost all the time.

I can add that in. I could add a lot more to the background, but I don't want it to be boring. Check back in a couple hours at the earliest and see if it's better.

Did the random notes section seem too random?

I'd appreciate any mechanical suggestions.

I'm going to look over your character first, in about an hour, possibly a bit more, I should have up my review of your backstory.

Can you let me know if you think my random notes section works well or not, and if you want me to add more to my backstory?

I'd also appreciate any mechanical suggestions.

My two questions are if the random notes section works and if you'd like more backstory.

I'd appreciate any mechanical suggestions.

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Deep in the heart of Nidal, the lands of shadows, there exists a Ninja clan. Calling themselves “The shadowhand Assassins” Feels like there should be some punctuation here, or maybe half of a sentence that is missing. Formed centuries ago by an offshoot of gnomes known as dread gnomes. These miniature killers would conduct numerous “jobs” to protect the Umbral court.

This was the world that Kayla was born into. A place of shadow and mystery. Kayla began her journey as a Shadowhand almost as soon as she was able to walk. She trained hard and learned many of the secrets of theses shadowy lands.

Kayla fist began her journey into the world of assassination by being nothing more than a spy, a scout for the more skilled assassins. This is the first sentence which has a comma in it. This is indicative of the fact that all your sentences so far have been simple, short statements, which I would try to avoid. Such constructions are not inherently flawed, but in general your writing will improve if you vary things a bit more. She would tail intended marks and report their locations.

Eventually she was accepted Accepted to what? There hasn't been any set up for this, that is, there hasn't been any statements about her trying to gain acceptance into something. and began her training as a “sword sage” feels like there's some missing punctuation here. the sword arm of the Shadow Hand assassins. She became very adept at her use of the blade as well as ways to bring down larger foes. I have a couple problems here. 1) Saying that the sword sages are the "sword arm of the Shadow Hand assassins" implies that most of the Shadow Hand assassins are in fact not capable fighters. This might be the case, but if it is I would try to establish that when you introduce them. 2) That second sentence mentions "ways to bring down larger foes". What are those ways?

Over the years the Shadowhand expanded throughout Golarion but they always managed to stay low key enough to avoid making any enemies. Until they had a run in with The Red Mantis.

The Red Mantis were out to take care of some business in Korvosa when by happenstance, a group of Shadowhands had a similar mission. A well to do Noble apparently set the shadowhand up in an effort to save his own skin.

The Red mantis proved their superiority and the Shadowhand group was killed.

Kayla was among the group to clean up the mess and protect the secrecy of the shadow hands. It was there she got a glimpse of a member of the infamous Red Mantis. She was intrigued but continued on her duties. I don't really understand this scene. Did Kayla actually see the Red Mantis member? Did she see them fight or use some special ability? If that is the case, what was the Red Mantis doing and how did she observe them without putting herself in danger? If she was in danger, you should probably describe this in more detail. And if she didn't see anything special about the Red Mantis, how did she know they were a Red Mantis, and what was interesting to her?

Her Master, White Tiger, then asked for one among them to infiltrate the Red mantis. I would want to set this up as a separate scene, so that we know where and when this took place. Try and become one of them. Learn their secrets so the Shadow hand could eventually seize control.

Kayla stepped forward. She had learned of a way in from someone in Korvosa and thought it a good way to garner her master’s favor. By saying this here, instead of earlier, you make it seem somewhat more casual than I think you want to. Right now, it sounds like Kayla learned how to infiltrate the Red Mantis back in Korvosa, but that wasn't really noteworthy until now. This undermines the point in the next paragraph, where you try to make the Red Mantis seem like an organization it would be very noteworthy to be able to infiltrate.

Kayla’s informant introduced her to a Red Mantis “recruiter” and she managed to become an initiate. Following the rules as best she could and learning the skills they had to teach, Kayla did all she could to avoid detection. This seems like a big missed opportunity. Now you can show us Kayla's reaction to a group which probably does things in fundamentally different ways to her old one. How does she react to their training? Does she question her old beliefs? What are those old beliefs? But the Red Mantis did not come to be so influential and deadly without being vigilant. She was discovered and was to be executed.

But one man stepped forward. Again, I would want to set up the scene a little bit more, especially when you use a physical description like "one man stepped forward." He presented a case in her defense before the Blood Mistress. What was this case? Surely it must be a good one, since it swayed the Blood Mistress's opinion. If Kayla swore loyalty to the Red Mantis she would be allowed to remain. Kayla never knew his true name, she only knew him as Talon.

Knowing that to return to the Shadowhand now would mean her death. And to refuse the offer would mean her death, Kayla had little choice. Still she weighed her options carefully. These two sentences seem contradictory. The words options and choices are very similar, if we substitute one for the other we get: "Kayla had little choice. Still she weighed her choices carefully.

After some thought, Kayla agreed to swear allegiance to the Red Mantis. Though she would never become a true Red Mantis, she knew that she could still prove useful. Why is it relevant if Kayla thinks she can prove useful? The Blood Mistress is the one who makes that decision, right? And why can she never become a true Red Mantis? Seems like an important detail, I would explain why.

The Blood Mistress was not exactly pleased with Kayla’s choice but she honored the agreement. Didn't the Blood Mistress earlier agree to give Kayla this choice? This means that the Blood Mistress gave Kayla the option to work for the Red Mantis when she didn't want to, and even more, it sounds like she expected Kayla to choose death instead. This is fine if you explain this, if you explain that the Blood Mistress was doing this, say, as a favor to Talon. But Kayla would have to prove her loyalty. To bring back the head of her former master and destroy the Shadowhand clan. Seems like it would be pretty easy to just not kill her master and not destroy the Shadowhand. Maybe Kayla is afraid of the Red Mantis taking vengeance, but if she is you need to show that.

Kayla agreed and returned to her clan. She was welcomed as she did bring information for her master. She was brought before him, and in secret she was to share all that she had learned. Instead, while the two were alone, Kayla managed to find an opening and ran her sword through her master’s chest. As he lay there bleeding out, in his dying breath, is the word he missing here? managed to summon his Ki to start to close the wounds. With a wave of Kayla’s hand her innate magic re-opened the wound and soon her master was dead. Why do you take the time to describe the closing and reopening of her master's old wounds, but not mention how she feels about what she's doing? Did she enjoy killing her old master, or was it hard for her? This is another big missed opportunity, and you can easily improve this with a few lines about how Kayla felt doing this.

She removed his head and slipped away back to the Red Mantis. You make this sound pretty easy, which isn't necessarily a bad thing if you want to, say, impress upon the reader how weak the Shadowhand are, and how one person who isn't even a full fledged Red Mantis can easily carry their master's head away from them.

The Blood Mistress was pleased and Kayla was allowed to remain with the Red mantis. Though she knew the Shadowhand were still out there. Wasn't one of the mission parameters to destroy the Shadowhand? And now she was marked for death by them. But unlike their other targets, Kayla knew their tricks, she knows how they hunt. She was once one of them. You've explained that she evaded them, but not anything more than that. And in the next paragraph, you make it sound like she's just hanging out at Red Mantis headquarters and not doing anything special to avoid the Shadowhand.

Kayla accepted Talon, the one who stood for her before the Blood Mistress, as her new master; I wouldn't use a semicolon unless I had to, and a basic construction with a comma would work great here. she is indebted to him for life. but despite this, she wanted her freedom, it would just be a matter of time.

It soon was clear what Talon wanted, I don't think the h should be capitalized He turned to Kayla giving her, why is there a comma here? her first mission. Something has come to our attention in the Shackles, a mysterious dungeon that may hold the secret to enormous power, a place known as Rappan Athuk.

what does this have to do with me? Kayla asked.

I think the w in that what should be capitalized.

Simple, Talon answered, The Red Mantis cannot be seen to be directly involved with anything going on there. That is where you come in. infiltrate a group entering this Rappan Athuk. Find out what you can about the place and keep it from getting into the hands of our enemies.

But Why me? her questions continued.

I don't think the why should be capitalized. "her questions continued" is also a second sentence, currently.

You are not Red Mantis, However, you will be able to ensure Plausible deniability. We will work to provide you a contact in the nearby port town of Mistthorne. Talon tosses Kayla a pouch of coin, This will cover your cost of travel. And remember, who you work for and do not betray us.

1) Why is there a comma after the word remember? 2) In this paragraph Talon tells her she is not a Red Mantis and then reminds her who she works for. These seem to be contradictory statements, and I don't really understand what's stopping her from being a Red Mantis. 3) I don't think However should be capitalized. I don't know what the statement "However, you will be able to ensure Plausible deniability" means.

Kayla took the coin and headed out. If this power will help me escape, then I intend to make use of it myself. she thought to herself. Perhaps Talon realizes this and that is the real reason for assigning her to this mission.

Notes:

I am very unsure of her relationship with the Red Mantis. At times it sounds like she's a prisoner, at times an agent. I'd look to clarify this.

You refer to the Shadowhand many different ways. Sometimes they are the Shadowhand, other times the shadow hand, other times the shadowhand. I'd pick one and stick with it.

I don't have a strong sense of Kayla's personality. How does she react to things? What was he childhood like, and how did it shape her into the person she is today?

Most importantly, there don't seem to be any real paragraphs in your backstory. Plenty of your sentences would go well together and could be bundled up into paragraphs, but they aren't. As a result, your writing is a bit disorganized.

Again, I do not mean to offend with anything that I have said. You probably have a much stronger sense of who your character is than what is conveyed in your backstory, what with the theme song, images, and rules. With a little work, you can take that sense of your character from your mind and put it into writing, and I look forward to seeing what you end up with.

The first is to include a price and weight after each item, that way if there is a discrepancy we know where it comes from. I would give each item a separate line. I would also sort the items by location, so that it looks like this:

Handy Haversack centre pouch: 49/80 lbs, 666 gp
Item 1, lbs, gp
Item 2, lbs, gp
Item 3, lbs, gp

Handy Haversack left pouch: 11/20 lbs, 666 gp
Item 1, lbs, gp
Item 2, lbs, gp
Item 3, lbs, gp

Outside Haversack, 16 lbs, 666 gp
Item 1, lbs, gp
Item 2, lbs, gp
Item 3, lbs, gp

Similarly, I would give each skill a separate line and detail the various modifiers.

Personally I am not at all familiar with occult classes, so I have no idea what lots of the things on your sheet mean. I could go look them up, but it would be more convenient if you copied a bunch of rules text from the D20PFSRD and put it in a spoiler for me. Definitely not necissary, but can be helpful.

I would list which of your feats are bonus feats. This is kindof important since it makes it quicker and easier to verify that you have the correct number of feats, and since feats are very important aspects of your character that's something I want to do.

I would not include weapon and armor proficiencies. Others might disagree, and that's fine, it's really up to you.

Your AC specifics are not broken up by any sort of punctuation, which I think would make them better.

When adding your hp I get 10 (first level) + 9 (2d8) + 5 (1d10) + 16 = 40. I would not include the note where you write "con+4 toughness", but that's just my opinion.

Actually, everything here is my opinion. And I really hope that you don't take this next section the wrong way, because I know how much criticism of creative writing can hurt. I haven't actually read your background yet, so don't see this disclaimer as indicative of my opinion of your work. I've copied your background and included my own notes in bold italics. Let me know if this is helpful or if you'd just prefer the notes at the end (which would of course be beefier and include some quotes from your writing).

Again, I don't want to be offensive.

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Ma’an was born to a mother and father, as most children are. However, he never knew them. Why did you choose to include that first sentence? It doesn't actually tell us anything we didn't already know. That second sentence is better, and I'd make that idea the first sentence. The family was on a boat sailing down the River Sphinx. The previous sentence set up the scene, but I feel like some details are missing. This is an opportunity to include just a little tidbit about Ma'an's parents, which is naturally going to be interesting. Where were they going? Were they desperate and thus forced onto a boat they didn't want to take? Naturally we will associate this tidbit with Ma'an in a cosmic way, for example, if his parents were desperate we will see him as slightly ill fated./i] Unbeknownst to them, the captain of the boat had reneged on a deal with a marid. [i]This detail, on the other hand, that the captain renegotiated a deal, is about the captain, who has no real association with Ma'an. It is therefore a fairly unimportant detail. Feeling spiteful, the marid came and destroyed the boat, taking revenge for the captain’s offense. All aboard died, except, somehow, Ma’an. The proceeding sentence, in my opinion, would have been made stronger if the sentence preceding it were quite a bit longer. It was short. When you put a short sentence after a long sentence, it emphasises the short one, which I think you want. Instead of perishing, he washed up onto the shore on a piece of debris, where he was found by a monk from a monastery dedicated to Wadjet. The monks took him to the monastery, where they named him Ma’an and raised him as one of them.

The monks would prey I think this should be pray to the River Sphinx and Wadjet each day, and many of them spoke of a connection to the river through their faith. Ma’an felt this connection as well, but not just to the river. He felt it with all water. So it was that on the boy’s 10th birthday, he began to control the water, to move it about with naught but the power of his mind. So it was is one of those expressions which I find myself using a lot after reading some unrevised Tolkien. But in his more developed works, he often removes the expression, because it's rather clunky and wordy. Believing him to be blessed by Wadjet, the monks encouraged learning to control water, while also teaching him both to center himself and maintain his concentration, as well as something of history. This paragraph is a bit disjointed. You've got a first sentence which talks about the monks, middle sentences about Ma'an's connection to water (related, but not directly), and then a final note about the monks teaching him history. I would look at this paragraph and the next paragraph and try to rework the two so that they both contain mainly ideas which are bound together.

Osirion is a land full of ancient monuments, and the monastery had some records of them, but they were woefully incomplete. The preceding sentence contained three separate statements. Generally I try to limit myself to two statements per sentence, although obviously there is some wiggle room. Occasionally, the monks would venture forth to create records of newly discovered or recently cleared landmarks and return them to the monastery, expanding their knowledge. Once he was deemed ready, Ma’an also journeyed forth to record the history of Osirion’s monuments. There's a great opportunity here to tell us how it made Ma'an feel to be deemed ready by the monks he's spent his life with. You can establish some of his personality, which is a thing I always look to do.

Though the monks deemed Ma’an ready to journey and document Osiriani history, the real world had other ideas. Due to the monks kindness, generosity, and sense of fairness, Ma’an had little experience with those who sought to deceive or use underhanded tricks to get what they want. Often he would follow someone with a tip on a recently cleared out monument that he could find, only for that person to lead him into an ambush where thugs would attack him to take whatever coin or other wealth he had on him. Despite the setbacks, though, he was able to explore forgotten tombs – often with the aid of others, most of whom were looking more for the wealth contained within than particularly caring of the history. This shows us that Ma'an is persistent, which is good, and establishes that he was at one point quite naive, which is also good. However, you could take it even further, and detail how the constant setbacks made him feel even more. Maybe share his thoughts with us, or maybe he asks another monk for advice on how not to get screwed over constantly. In his explorations, he escaped traps both mundane and magical, fought animated statues and reanimated corpses, as well as rivals who sought to kill them and take the history they had found, vicious gnolls who sought to kill or enslave them. I think the proceeding sentence should be about two sentences. You could even stretch it out to three if you really wanted. He defeated them all, and after each expedition, he would return to the monastery to share his findings and have them recorded into the library. Another place you could have him talk to the other monks. Has he changed in their eyes? How does that make him feel?

It was on one such expedition he heard tell of a great dungeon on a far-off island in the Shackles – Rappan Athuk. Intrigued, when he returned from that expedition, he spoke to the other monks about it. They had never heard of it, and had no record of such a place, but given its location, they did not see it as a priority. After all, there were still plenty of monuments in Osirion to be chronicled, and one in the pirate-infested Shackles was hardly one to be concerned about. Nevertheless, Ma’an was intrigued. He thought about such a great dungeon, and what it must hold – the history such a place must have. In the end, though the monks counseled against it, Ma’an decided he had to explore the dungeon. Offering prayters I think this should be prayers to Wadjet for his safety, the monks bid him farewell, and he traveled – first up the river to Sothis, then aboard a boat heading to the west – towards Rappan Athuk. He knows nothing of the place, but he knows his chronicle will live on in the temple’s archive.

Notes:

This backstory doesn't have any real glaring issues in terms of your lower order writing. There are one or two places where things get a little clunky, but overall it reads relatively nicely.

Your character's motivation seems like it could be a bit stronger. He's leaving the only family he's ever had, as well as what I can only assume are most of his friends, to go explore a dungeon because it's bigger and older than other dungeons in the area. Does he actually want to get away from the monastery and see the world a bit? Maybe there's some particular reason why he wants to go to Rappan Athuk instead of continue exploring the dungeons nearby. Whatever you do, I would suggest that you establish the motivation earlier than the last paragraph.

Secondly, you could develop your character's personality a bit more. I indicated a few places where you could do this, such as by having conversations with the other monks or showing Ma'an's thoughts, but it's really up to you to come up with ways to express his character while also telling a story. It's important that you do this, even if you already have a strong sense of who Ma'an is, so that we do as well.

You might at some point want to make a physical description for Ma'an.

Anyway, I'm just going to offer my thoughts on your fluff.

First, the physical description is great. It's well written and it describes the character effectively and quickly.

Second, I like that your character has a clear motivation. The closing line "To Pharom, it was destiny" does not feel forced. I think that motivation is one of the key things to get right for this campaign, and you've done that.

However, what I do not know is what makes your character happy. What is his personality like outside of being a torchbearer? Some key questions:

What's the worst thing he's ever done?

What are his best and worst memories?

What's the longest time he's been unhappy for? Why?

There are lots of other ways that I suggest you try to develop your character before answering those questions. One good way is to pick things that you associate with them, like a theme song or a season. Smaller things too, like a time of day or a meal, are also helpful, really you just want as many as possible.

The opportunities I see in your current backstory to reveal aspects of your character's personality:

You could add some more details about his childhood. Maybe one day his parents found him doing something bad, and afterwards he felt terrible. Perhaps he had a romance which shaped who he is.

When he parts from his parents, there's more room for character developement. You tell us what Pharom does, "Pharom departed without argument, understanding that it was his duty to spread the Everlight into the darkest corners of Golarion", but you don't tell us how he feels. What is he thinking when the parents who have successfully imparted their morals on him leave him? Does he feel any sense of abandonment? Freedom? Both? Something else?

It's a similar story when he clears out the troglodytes. This may be the first time that Pharom has killed intelligent life before, and if it is, that seems like a big moment. A rush of power, followed by guilt? Or perhaps a sense of righteousness, with the later horrific realization that they could have been reasoned with. Maybe he just feels good about himself, that's also totally possible. But it's an opportunity to share with us how he feels.

Did Erethon and Pharom have a friendship? The answer to that question is definitely worth adding in. I'd guess Pharom is good with people, since he has a 15 charisma, but maybe he's a bit shy or something like that. If they weren't friends, why not? And if they were, how did it feel when they disagreed about killing the Durargar? Was it an emotional parting, or did they just go their separate ways after realizing they were on different paths?

Those are some of my thoughts.

Well currently only the short story is there, but it is still ver neat.
Short and to the point. I really feel for him (maybe because it reminds me of
my wife (having problems with her parents pushing her into things she did not
want) and I think Simon will be more than willing to be his friend.
He's such a happy nature, that he will try to charm-up anyone - if they want
or not doesn't really matter for him - no one really wants to be unhappy
after all, do they? :-)

Also nice hooks for the GM to work with (e.g. the resurrect part make me
shiver ...) and WOW that Inititiative ^^
Spell selection seems good to me, but I'm not a real expert on those.
How about the classic Scorching Ray for a ranged Touch Attack with decent
damage (should work fine with a dex of 16)?

Anyway, I like your bonded object - really fits the character and all.

I based the whole wife dying thing off of Tolkien and Edith, and may have even quoted one of the rather more powerful letters. I certainly did in the longer version.

I'm glad you like the hooks, everyone seems to so they'll be standard practice for me going forward.

I'm not technically an expert on spell selection either, I've never actually played a wizard, but I think it's a decent list that's not too expensive. Do you think glitterdust will be a real debuff or will the underground creatures just not care about being blind?

I'll probably add Scorching Ray, though I'd prefer an option other than fire damage. I've got fire from bombs and from Flaming Sphere, which I think is a much better spell especially with pyrotechnics, so something else would be nice. Then again, the player's guide does specifically call out fire as being something a wizard should be able to use, so I suppose I'll add it to the list.

Did the inclusion of a song help or not really?

Anything in particular you want me to look out for when I look over your character? I've been working for the past six hours nonstop, but this is fun so...I guess I'll eat and then give you my thoughts. Expect about an hour and a half wait time.

I have taken the fairie fire spell which works quite close to glitterdust, so maybe the blinding effect will not really impress them - but the ability to outline invisible people should probably be VERY important.

I have the feeling that Simon's motivation for going into the dungeon may be a bit ... lame, but I have a hard time figure out something else.
Also maybe he needs some darker shade or something I don't know.
I looked over the other reviews you did, so really I take whatever you feel - as you give a lot of feedback by yourself anyway.

@Tolkien: Well there's your name of course. IIRC that was the name of the 'Dark' Elf in the Silmarillion (was it the father or the son?).
Also the part about adventuring with a sword instead of a walking stick. Thats ether Frodo or (more likely) Bilbo. Ether in the Hobbit or at the very start of LoTR.

Eöl the dark elf married...someone...and fathered Maeglin, who was the ruin of Gondolin. Maglin's father's name is Duilin, which is the name of an elf from Gondolin in I think the Book of Lost Tales (part 2, I'd guess). I think there may also be an elf whose name is actually Maglin, I'm not sure about that though. It doesn't sound quite right to me.

The sword instead of a walking stick is Bilbo, from the hobbit.

Then there's letter 332, of which the second half is more important.

Anyway, glad to hear that you almost cried. Uh...that's a mean sentence, I'm glad that my writing was touching enough to affect you emotionally. That's what I mean.

I had considered making Lindir (which is technically a masculine name in Sindarin) a human, because then there's the whole he's still in his twenties when she's dying of old age thing, but I think that's actually fairly boring. She's an elf, but I didn't write that anywhere, so I'll make a note to fix that. I'll also make a note to make it apparent that he never found out what she died of.

Did my character seem to have a reasonable motive for going into the dungeon? I addressed it directly in the personality section, but I think for this adventure it's very important, so I want to be sure it's good.

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Now then, on to your character.

I'm guessing your first language isn't english. I say this because you made quite a few small spelling errors, but running opposite to that is the fact that your writing is in a different way quite good. In a sense, the ideas flow together in a well composed way, even if the language isn't perfect, and many of the lines are quite powerful.

Plus it says that your location is Germany.

As a result, I've been a bit more liberal with my lower order suggestions than I normally am. I really want to avoid writing anything, even a single sentence, for you, but some places you've made what looks to me like an obvious error with a single clear solution.

I've chosen to employ the copy and highlight method of review here, where I'll copy your backstory and highlight my thoughts in bold italics. In this case, I've chosen this method to try to address what I see as the lower order errors in your writing. I'll also include bigger notes throughout, however.

Simon was raised by various rich, noble human families across the country and sold to another family The construction which seems like it would be more common here instead of "another family" is "other families" as soon as he has gotten 'too big', 'boring', 'difficult' or simply as a payoff for some long running bill of one family to another. I suggest that you try to trim down this first sentence. It is the very first one, after all, so I think it should be rather compact. His only information is from his first family's grandfather: He the H in He should be an h. told him once that Simon was bought from a wandering slaver who was about to drown the little catling. In the previous sentence you refer to "he", "him", and "Simon". I would not use pronouns of the same gender in the same sentence to refer to different people, otherwise it's confusing. Simon never found out what has happened to him who is this him? or the rest of his family.

He was trained to speak, sing and play various flutes as an attraction to raise the social status of his owners and to be the playmate of little childs plural of child is children and old women, just like any ordinary house cat. That's funny. But his true passion was the thing his owner simply dismissed as 'nature' and 'wilderness'. He learned reading all by himself, to be able to read all those fascinating books about those themes. I suggest the word "topics" instead of "themes"
He tried to read as many books as he possibly could lay his pawns on (going to extremes, like 'borrowing' it, without his owners knowing).
One faitful the adjective form of fate is fateful, not faitful day, I think the word when is missing here he was about 12 years old, Simon was sold again, this time to a noble family in the town of Kintargo.
But on the way, the family coach was ambushed by bandits and Simon just ran away from all that incredibly load sound, I think that's supposed to be loud sound, not load sound. I'd also suggest that you stay away from the word "just", ussually you can eliminate it from the sentence and end up with something that is slightly tighter. the screaming and the stench of shed blood.
When he finally stopped he was deep inside a forest. And alone for the very first time. The following paragraph is a lot about how he's alone for the first time, having to survive when he's always been cared for by others. So I'd include the fact that he's alone for the first time in the opening sentence. He struggled to stay alive for a few days, before all the knowledge of the books he read, and his instincts kicked in and he made himself quite comfortable. He lived from hunting small animals like rabbits with small traps and from everything the you don't need to use the word the before nature[/i] nature was willing to give him, especially caught fish from a little lake inside the forest. [b]The preceding sentence seems to contain three separate ideas. 1) He lived from hunting small animals with traps, 2) He also made sure to use everything nature was willing to give, and 3) he was especially fond of fish from the lake. Including three separate thoughts in one sentence is generally not a good idea, I suggest you either eliminate one or break it into two separate smaller sentences.
One or two months later a stranger suddenly entered 'his' forest. He could smell him just moments before he addressed Simon. "I'm impressed that you stayed alive for so long and were able to live in peace with the nature." It was a very old elf, in green and brown, and on his shoulder sat an eagle, whom Simon was sure to have instead of "to have", you should probably use something like "he had" seen quite often in the last months. "If you agree I will teach you the true way of nature, you have proven yourself worthy." Simon's innate curiosity overwhelmed his uneasiness in a matter of seconds and he agreed. I like that you establish the curiosity early on.
His new master showed him the secret ways of living in peace with nature, and the true fellowship of animals. Also he taught him the nearly ruthless efficiency of nature, the hiding spider in her net, the lightning strike like attacks of bird of prey's and the the teamwork of a hunting wolf pack. 1) It's rarely a great idea to start a sentence with the word also, unless you're going for comic effect. 2) This is another spot where you've got two easy to confuse pronouns referring to different people. Maybe if the master had a name? 3) it's not "bird of prey's", it's "birds of prey". I think you're technically correct to use the apostrophe, which indicates possessiveness, here, since you're referring to the birds as possessing lightning strike like attacks. However, in the sense that matters, this construction is not correct. 4) I like the imagery. You might be a bit better served by a colon after "the ruthless efficiency of nature".

After one year his master gave him a final exercise. His eagle had told him that a group of people were camping near the forest street. And he told him also that they seem to transport and guard a caged cat from far south. A proud, pitch black jaguar, not even fully grown and already enslaved. I think you're referring to three different people, all with masculine pronouns, here. Simon, the Old Elf, and the Eagle. It wasn't really confusing this time, but it would be slightly easier to read if you changed this.
The old Elf said to him: "Go there and show me what you have learned. Go there and free it, and maybe you will earn it's trust. And maybe one day, this poor, enslaved animal will save your life just as you are about to save its soul." That's a sweet line, I like it a lot.
Motivated and exited Simon went to the camp of the humans and watched them from a safe position until it has gotten very late. "until it has gotten" is present tense, or uh...something. You should use the past tense, which would be to say "until it was". Then he took aim with his self created bow, self created sounds quite formal, I would say "the bow he'd made". That's not a great solution either, to be honest, I think you should try to rephrase this somehow. and fired a perfect shot at the biggest guard, bouncing off his battle plate just as he intended. There are lots of names for pieces of armor, but battle plate is not one of them. Maybe cuirass is what you want, or breastplate (they mean the same thing). Then he ran as load I think this is supposed to be loud, not load as he could into the forest, and the guards, enraged by the unseen attacker, followed him. He let them hunt him a few hundred feet into the forest then he simply vanished and called forth a magical fog. The guards were unable to find their way back before Simon was able to steel steel is a metal, the word which makes sense here is steal the cage and got got is not really a good word here. I would say escaped instead. back into the depths of the forest.

As Simon reached the clearing were should be where he had set up his camp, his master was gone. Only a hunted rabbit, lying dead on the ground, and some medical herbs were waiting for Simon. He knew that he would not see him again, and that he passed the test and was now on his own again. 1) Pronoun thing again, 2) Using the word again twice so close together like this isn't great. But ... not really alone. He looked for the first time into the cage and into the yellow eyes of the little black cat inside. Cool reveal, I like it. The cat steered you steer a car while staring at the road. Actually staring isn't great while driving, you want to keep your eyes moving... at him like it wanted to say "let me out of here, will you?" And Simon let it out. It's first reaction was to run away, but then it turned around, watching Simon still on the ground and the dead rabbit. And the cat turned around and came slowly back to take it's should be its first meal as a free creature.

It had taken some time for Simon to forge a bond with the little cat, looks like there's a missing word here, I'd suggest which he named Emily, after a old heroine of some history book he once read. But just a few years later the two of them were already a should be an, since experienced begins with a vowel experienced team, hunting, eating and exploring the wilds together. Simon was developing the skills his master taught him, and found out more and more of the secret ways of nature, while Emily was slowly growing and coming of age. Not even fully grown she became as large as Simon already. I suggest "she was already as large as Simon"

From time and time Simon went to nearby small villages to buy and sell some goods, swapping hunted meat, herbs, furs, leather and one or two of his self-made I don't think you need to say self-made here, since I think we can assume that any bows which belong to Simon were made by him bows for some more civilized goods like cooking equipment, cloths and steel tools and weapons.

Once he was in the big town of Kintargo, to buy armor for himself and Emily, after both of them nearly died in a fight against a wolf pack. The big, black alpha wolf suffered on a deadly illness suffered from a deadly illness driving him to senseless blood rage and Simon had no other choice but to give him a quick death, but the rest of the pack attacked and it was a close call in the end. I think that sentence has too may parts, and should be broken into two. I also think this paragraph should be combined with the next one.

The enormous town was a totally new experience for him, and he was relieved to get back out of it again. Twice he was nearly robbed, and he had to bribe one of the guards at the door with some silverlings silverlings is not a word, you can use "silvers" to give Emily a "Permission" to enter. But it was worth it, as the armorer's no need for an apostrophe of the town did a fine job on their armor's no need for an apostrophe or an s. The plural of armor is armor. and he found a little whistle which only he and Emily could hear.

He returned to the big town from time to town, but was repelled by the cruelty and the affinity with all kinds of devils and demons together with the religion the government enforces. Enforces is present tense, but this story is in the past tense, so you want "enforced"

Much more interesting were the boats that sailed to far-away countries - causing his race's curiosity to flame up like a bonfire. But at first he didn't wanted to leave his new-found home and returned to 'his' forest to continue his live in the relative peace of nature.

But in the end, he had no other choice but to leave.
'His' forest was threatened to be burned down by local farmers to get access to more farmland.
He tried to persuade.
He tried to bribe.
And finally fought them off - people he knew from his trips into the villages.
People he had helped on various occasions, with small problems (like an occasional bandit or goblion incursion). Goblions sounds like goblins and lions mixed together.
People he thought of as friends.
He wounded several in the first fight, and many more in the second and last one.
But then the farmers called for help from their rulers.
And the send I think you mean to say "and they sent" a group of Hellknights to bring that chaotic element to 'justice'.
Simon tried to fight them off as well, but all he managed was to get himself nearly killed.
As he finally passed out, his last glimpse showed him the first tree getting lit on fire by the farmers.
Emily dragged him to safety that night after drawing the Hellknights away and making a stealthy escape afterwards. This seems like a rather implausible escape, but it also seems unlikely that Simon would realize he was outmatched. Maybe he got imprisoned but escaped? Could be an opportunity for him to remember what slavery was like, could be powerful.

Bittered and battered, the two left the country of evil - they now no longer share a link with. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what the dash does. I never use them myself, and I would delete it, leaving the sentence otherwise as it is.
They left Cheliax with the first boat that left the harbor on the very next day.

The ship happens should still be past tense, I think, so it'd still be "happened". Even if the second half of this paragraph wants to be present tense, this happened before that,
so it'd be past. to set course towards some island or other inside the shakles. It's Shackles, not shakles. Simon knows Maybe you mean to switch out of the past tense now? That's not generally advisable in my opinion, but you could do it if you're really set. If you do, be sure you do it completely. nothing about that region or it's destiny - so he leaves the boat as it passes by a nice-looking island with lots of green forest - by simply jumping over board, swimming the last couple hundreds of meters.

After spending some months in the wilderness of the island, he comes into contact with a group of wandering adventures - on the way into a dangerous adventure!
Nothing lures a cat like the prospect of the new, undiscovered and be it dangerous and life threatening.
Simon can't resist that calling and follows them towards the ruins of Rappan Athuk.

Notes:

I like the physical description and the personality. Looking at that cat picture, I think that you should try to include the word "fluffy" in your physical description.

All in all, your submission is in some ways the best I've looked at so far. It's the only one where I've had a great sense of the personality, which is in my opinion more important than the backstory. It's also got some great lines, and I think I laughed at least once.

Where you should look to improve things is:

1) Try to get a stronger motivation. You could hit the racial curiosity thing a bit harder throughout, or else get creative with some other reason. Maybe there's some abhorrent creature which does something bad to Emily, or likes killing trees.

2) I would look to reorganize your paragraph structure. There are a lot of short, disjointed paragraphs, which I think you should avoid. You should also look to make the first sentence of each paragraph be a summary of what follows.

And that about sums it up.

Yes, I am not a native speaker and Germany is right as well ;-)
Also the better part (all but the part with fighting the farmers and the escape from cheliax) was written way back when I started pbp (I guess that's two or three years now? wow, actually it was 11/2016, so not even 2 years) and I think my English skills have witnessed some level-ups since then as well.

Silverlings - This is really a translation from old german 'Silberling', which really was just a silver coin. I left it, because I really like the sound of it - even if it not a real word at all xD

The - thing: In german it is called a 'Gedankenstrich' and is used ... yeah ... more or less like a comma. It is used to separate parts of a sentence. It's also used for 'Einschübe' ... let's see how I can put this... If you want to add something, that does have something to do with the thing you just said, like an explanation or a thought, but not with the actual sentence. Does this make sense to you?

Like: "I think PbP - which I like for the amount of RP it allows - can be sometimes really slow."
What you actually want to say is: "I think PbP can be sometimes really slow."
But you also want to make clear, that you like PbP for the amount of RP it allows.

Well, given that I didn't get to review your character until after the massive rewrite you did, I'm going to say that it looks pretty spot on to me. You did an especially good job making me feel the emotion with the backstory. I actually felt some of Maglin's pain at Lindre's death. The only thing I noticed was that the first word should be "Every" instead of "Everyone."

As for your notes, don't worry, I'm not offended. I typically use the "Paizo standard stat block" format when I'm writing out my characters, since I figure most GMs are familiar enough with it to be able to read it and figure it out. I may take some of the breakdown advice and apply it to the stat block.

I was also trying to get away with not doing an alias, given that I want to avoid the bloat. However, in this case, I think I may just do it in order to include an Appearance/Personality and Special Ability descriptions. For those unfamiliar, the Kineticist's abilities can be gibberish, so I think I need to do a better job explaining those.

Starting with the mechanics, because I have built both an alchemist and a wizard.

Starting with spell selections, I'm going to make a few recommendations.

1st level: You might want to pick up unseen servant. Just have it walk ahead of us, it can be used to warn us about traps so we don't set them off ourselves.

Magic weapon can be useful, not for the bonus to attacks and damage, but to help other characters be able to bypass DR vs magic.

Sure Casting speaking from experience, spell resistance is a pain. It might be worth having this known, then making a few potions of it when spell resistance becomes more common.

In general, I'm curious as to why you don't know any of the Summon Monster spells. They can be pretty useful in the right scenarios- even using them as meat shields means that's less damage that goes to us.

2nd level. I'd really recommend picking up darkvison. It'll be usefull to a lot of party members, especially scouts who would rather not carry torches around while trying to remain hidden. Even if you already have darkvison, the rest of the party won't.

Also- learn book ward . It'll prevent your spellbook form suffering a case of being burned.

Fox's cunning is really useful for you- +4 INT means +2 to the DC's of all your spells and bombs. Hard to argue against that. All the other spells that give a +4 enhancement bonus to an ability score are useful as buffs, if not for you specifically. It stacks with the bonus from your cognaten too.

Protection from arrows might be useful too, at least for low levels. 10 dr is nothing to sneeze at, and the duration is really good.

Thank you for taking invisibility.

Extracts: I recommend getting ant haul- for that moment when we decide to carry some absurdly heavy golden statue out of the dungeon to sell it. Beyond that it seems good.

----

Beyond spell selection, I don't really have anything else to say about your character mechanically. The +16 to initiative is somewhat ridiculous, but it will ensure that you almost always go first.

There is one important question I have- I'm assuming Lindir was another elf, but that's never actually specified.

Beyond that, you portray a very emotionally moving backstory. It's a lot more down to earth than most character backstories I read. I've really got nothing to criticize about it. Although, I do have a few areas that could use expansion upon.

1. Has he ever seen his father since he left the Academae- do they have any sort of interaction now, or are they completely out of contact.

2. What are his thoughts on dying? While he clearly hasn't completely gotten over the death of his wife, he has gotten out of the darkest recesses of despair. This isn't a suicide quest for him- but given the nature of this dungeon, the odds are that he'll at least be on death's door at least once. How do you expect him to react to that?

3. On that note- how realistic is he about the prospect of adventuring. This dungeon isn't going to be fun and games- it will be a brutal slaughter one way or another. He might abstractly want danger, but then have something of a rude awakening when there is, say, a balor 15 feet away from him and realize that he didn't want this. This isn't a criticism of the character- in fact, it makes it more interesting if it turns out to be true.

4. Does he currently think that there is any possibility for him to see his wife again? The magic for such things does exist. Has this thought crossed his mind since his wife's death? You touched on this in the "Things the GM can do" section, but it would be interesting to know what Maglin himself feels on the issue without any external prompting.

5. While it's obviously not the focus of your character- does Maglin worship a deity or group of deities at all? Even if religion doesn't play much of a role in his life, considering that he's lived 170 years and has a +14 to his knowledge religion score, he should at least have some thoughts on the subject, even if those thoughts don't amount to anything more than "this nonsense isn't worth my time" or "I don't really care."

Other than that, I don't have much for you.