All's Well that Ends in a Well

Game Master Choon

Want me to check out your submission? Anything I should look at in particular?

Also, theme song.

Your build looks a bit like Simon's (TWF, dex based, sneak attack and all) but another take due to your first class.
Probably a very good choice to have smite and counting as good when one goes down into a dungeon probably filled with undead and devils ...

One note for the planned advances: I have often read that the upper twf-talents are not considered worthy because the malus-to-hit grows to big to allow for good damage.
I don't know if you choose them deliberately or just out of the feeling of "moar twf, harharhar". Just a heads up. Maybe your blessing is enough to counter the high malus of the second off-hand attack after all?

Otherwise very solid build.
If we both get elected ... Maybe some teamwork-feats could be useful?
I plan on go towards Seize the Moment and Paired Opportunists.
Whenever one does confirm a crit, the target provokes an AoO from others (Seize the moment) and whenever an ally takes a AoO (but you don't, e.g. By Seize the Moment) you get that AoO as well (also +4 on all AoOs). Seize the.moment has some hefty prerequisite but will come online with lvl 11.

Also both those AoOs are @+8 (+4from Flanking, +4 from Paired opportunists) and my one sneak-attacks as well due to flanking.

That's certainly better than my old rogue talent that prevents an enemy from making AoO by himself after getting hit by my sneak attack (good, but not comparable to a follow-up attack after every crit I land).

The reputation of house Thrune is entirely warranted, and it's political power in the world, let alone Cheliax, is undeniable. But that's not to say that every single member of that damned bloodline commands as much might and power as the queen, or that every one of them holds such prominence in the affairs of the empire of devils. Like many other noble families, house Thrune has it's major and minor branches- the significant members of the family and the less important ones.

Ignatzia Thrune was born to one such minor branch of house Thrune, in the Chelish controlled city of Khari in northern Garund, and her family is an influential group of merchants and slavers whose ties to house Thrune allowed them to prosper. While this didn't compare to the truly staggering power wielded by the more politically relevant branches of house Thrune in Egorian, the family did rather well for itself. In spite of their distance from Egorian, this branch of the Thrune family was no less cruel or manipulative than any other. Both diabolists and worshipers of Asmodeus, their conduct was no less than one would expect from that would expect from those following such dark philosophies.

Ignatzia is the youngest child of this branch of the family, and by her approximation, this makes her the very last Thrune in the line of succession for both the throne of Cheliax and her family's business. Growing up, she initially resented this fact and wondered why the mere timing of her birth ought to have any influence in what she would do when she grew older- and in the process, overlooking how incredibly luck she was to have been born into such a wealthy life to begin with. But as time went on, she began to quietly be grateful for this fact. She wasn't required or even really expected to carry on the family buisness when she grew, which left her with time on her hands to forge her own path.

Her parents were wealthy. She used that wealth and her time to learn about esoteric things, about the planes beyond the prime material and the mysteries and wonder of the sentient mind. The mystical art of psionics developed by the godless Rahadami to the south fascinated her for a long time, as did some of the stranger magic practiced in the distant Keleshite empire. Even the science of alchemy had some appeal to her, but truth be told she really only has ever really dabbled in the subject. Her family's connections made obtaining materials on these subjects trivial, and she absorbed knowledge like a sponge.

Her magical learning was encouraged- after all, it never hurt to be on good terms with a mage, even a moderately powerful one- and Ignatzia is grateful to her family for the part they played in her education. In fact, her parents and siblings didn't even realize the most important thing they did for her- they served as an example of all that the dreadful power of hell was capable of- and the costs of wielding it. Her scholarly disposition already inclined her to skepticism rather than a blind sort of zealotry, and she grew up watching the Devils her family consorted with closely. It didn't take long for her to conclude that those creatures, in spite of whatever promises they gave on their honeyed lips, did not have the best interests of her family at heart. By extension, that means that they did not have her best interests at heart either.

It wasn't as if she stopped being a diabolist though- no, a sort of merciless order was needed for the good of all society. The young Thrune wasn't going to run off, abandon her heritage, and become some so called "freedom fighter" like some story from a 2 copper adventure novel. Besides- the forces of Hell can make for powerful associates, and their cruelty can be a boon for order. The powers of hell are tools- but incredibly dangerous ones that are more often than not best left unused. The price of misusing them is far too great in her eyes, and she refused to let herself be their dupe anymore.

For a time, she considered immigrating to Rahadoum to the south, having an admiration for their independence from the influence of the gods, both infernal and virtuous alike. She eventually came to the realization that they had taken it too far- the gods were the rightful superiors of mortals and worthy of respect and some measure of worship. But she would not go around like a fool acting as if Asmodeus and the Hells had the best interests of Cheliax in mind. Devils were untrustworthy, but they were a daily fact of life for her.

In her research, she finally found someone worthy of her worship- a little known goddess of hell, the wife of Dispater, Erecura. The revelation that their were in fact powers aligned with the firm order of hell that did not seem to desire the corruption mortals came as a pleasant surprise to her. And Ignatzia greatly respected that she had gone as far as to rise from a mortal to the rank of a deity. Whatever her misgivings about devils, she was still a Thrune, and still had ambitions. They just revolved around expanding her own power, rather than being reliant on (and by extension, chained to) the flames of Hell.

She was, however growing tired of manipulating her own family into procuring books for her- only so much knowledge could be obtained by secondhand knowledge. Some things had to be personally encountered to truly understood, and she needed an opportunity to flex her (purely metaphorical) muscles. She knew she would be unable to rise high in politics due to the timing of her birth, so she would have to sate her lust for power some other way. She was still a Thrune, even if she was slightly more scrupulous than most.

With this in mind, she convinced her family to give her leave to join the Hellknight Order of the Gate- an order of powerful magic users dedicated to using their gifts to supporting the cause of law across the globe, with access to magical libraries and scholarly tomes from all corners and ages of Golarion. While she did generally agree with the causes they supported, she mostly joined for her own benefit. The knowledge they had access to was far more vast than her family could ever provide her with.

Her time spent at Citadel Enferac changed her more than she had expected it would. Her relation, however distant, to the monarch of Cheliax was of no help to her, and it was something of a shock to have to rely completely on her own merits. Countless of hours of study went a long way in convincing her that she still had much to learn. Even still, she possessed a certain sort of arrogance- she had learned more on her own than most of the other new recruits the order received. And she was smarter than most of them too- even beyond the fact that she knew better than even the more senior members of the order who worked with devils on a regular basis, surely exposing themselves to the outsider's corruption.

Her arrogance, however, received a nearly fatal blow when she finally petitioned to take the Hellknight initiation test before her instructor considered her ready. It was a mistake born out of a desire for promotion to signifer and the power and prestige that would provide, a desire to get out from under the thumb of her direct superior- a cleric of Asmodeus who she could barely stand (which was a mutual feeling).

Her Hellknight invitation test was a humiliating and harrowing ordeal- one that she only survived by resorting to bludgeoning the bearded devil challenger over the head with a silvered mace when her psionic power had been completely depleted in defending herself and trying to break through the devil's natural defense to magic. The battle- by far the most painful, terrifying, and life threatening thing she has ever done, taught her that her own powers might not be the best solution to every problem, and those who devoted themselves to mastering the art of combat are still worthy of some respect from her. Their expertise and skill sets in some cases should be relied upon. Sure, her own expertise is more generally useful, and is much more nuanced and flexible... but if one is trying to work with nails, a hammer is the best tool for the task. Not using one would be foolish.

The exact nature of her performance in the Hellknight test isn't of any consequence to her standing in the order- slaying the devil was enough to gain the respect of the rest of the order, and the fact that she did prove that she was able to do so before her instructor deemed her ready did provide a much welcome blow to his prestige. And if anything, her resolve to personally slay the devil at close range proved that she had conquered whatever fear she might have had.

She's enjoyed full access to the libraries of citadel Enferac for the past few months, and has been enjoying the relative relaxation afforded to her- she was tasked to assist in the works of Ariotol the Listener, a psychic who leads a group of seers in scrying on various communities at a time, seeking to prevent murders from being committed. While unable to manifest the necessary powers to perform such scrying yet, she has learned a great deal under his guidance.

Then Aritol came to her private quarters one day with a letter, signed by Vicarius Giordano Torchia, the leader of the order of the gate, informing him that she had been re-assigned. Her new orders were to head to The Shackles undercover and investigate a "Rappan Athuk", a dungeon supposedly containing magical artifacts of great power. She was to have almost complete discretion in her activities.

Yes... this would be quite useful for her reputation. Who cared about the whispers that was considered to be something of a suicide mission. She'd be careful. She'd never faced a challenge that she couldn't handle before. This would not be what broke her. She would return from this victorious and more powerful than ever before.

I've got the path of the Hellknight book by paizo, it has information about the Order of the gate. I've given you some of it here for your convenience:

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Order of the Gate Hellknights seek to curb and prevent lawlessness through magic and manipulation. They have reputations as mysterious, emotionless, and sometimes cruel magic-users. Many are convinced that the Order of the Gate’s Hellknights are spying on them or already know their secrets. Sometimes this fear is true, as the order’s members prefer preventing crime to punishing it and often use manipulation, information-gathering, and spying to further their agenda.

Individual Order of the Gate Hellknights work to uphold the following tenets.

• Lawlessness is a failing of the leaderless and unwatched. I will mind those who would go unnoticed.
• My power is a gift, not to me, but to the world. It is my responsibility to use it to forge greatness.
• I will pursue perfection, ever knowing that I will truly master nothing.
• Knowledge is not the same as wisdom. I will hone my iron judgment upon the stones of experience and worldliness.
• There is cleverness in chaos. There is deceit in ruin. I will never underestimate either.
• My face must be forged of iron. It must never crack, regardless of the circumstance.

The Order of the Gate foments an intellectualist vision of law. Through surveillance, manipulating information, and coercion—magical or otherwise—the Hellknights seek to be just dictators. They see no ethical quandary in using enchantments to force individuals confess their crimes, the iniquities of their neighbors, or vices yet to be acted upon. For the order, the end of preventing chaos and strife more than justifies these intrusive means. What’s more, the order’s members believe that privacy is a concern only for those with something to hide. They are immediately suspicious of those who question their probing ways. Those who live by the law, these Hellknights believe, should have no concern about being the target of the occasional scrying or mind reading. The morality of such matters falls by the wayside, or is entirely irrelevant to the order, when countless crimes could be not just punished, but prevented. As a result, Order of the Gate Hellknights often view themselves as chosen, magic-using interrogators, solely blessed with the intellect and power to mete out the justice they believe that order demands.

Order of the Gate members are rarely encountered in urban settings unless they’re in the company of other orders. Hellknights of the Gate might be found seeking all manner of obscure relics and knowledge in ruins, centers of learning, and mysterious locations across Golarion and even on other planes.

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If you need more information I can provide it. I would also like to say that while Ignatzia is a member of the Order of the Gate, there is a lot more to her personality than that membership.

Here is a character image

Ignatzia is appears as about purely Chelaxian as they come- raven black hair, pale skin, and piercing blue eyes. Ignatzia is somewhat short, standing at around 5 feet and 5 inches tall. As she's not about to go telling everyone she's a Hellknight while she's in the Shackles (that would be a good way to get herself killed), she doesn't have a traditional Hellknight signifer uniform. She prefers to wear gray clothing suitable for traveling while keeping an enchanted chain shirt underneath them.

For a Thrune, Ignatzia is rather amicable and friendly. Ignatzia tends to great people, even strangers, with a smile that's genuine in both appearance and reality. She's more likely to strike up conversation about a new sort of tea she discovered, begin a friendly debate about theology or philosophy, or even just ask how someone is doing rather than try to rope people into some sinister scheme.

It would be foolish to mistake this kindness and civility for any indication of some greater virtue. She'll happily explain why a whole number of distasteful things are necessary for the the good of society- slavery (of a certain sort at least), the order of the rack's book burning, and diabolist philosophy. Ignatzia is willing to be nearly as ruthless as any other Thrune when she needs to be. What separates her from the other members of her family is that she has a much more stringent definition of what she considers a "need" than most Thrunes, and generally doesn't relish cruelty or suffering in others.

Generally, anyways. She doesn't mind watching those who wrong her suffer at all though.

While she's not a humble woman, Ignatzia has a less inflated sense of self importance than many other Thrunes. She still considers herself to be more valuable than other people- mind you. She just doesn't see that as any reason why she can't be pleasant and civil with them. Moreover, she doesn't hold quite as much of a sense of superiority that most magic users of the Order of the gate have, due to the events that transpired during her initiation test to become a full member of the Order of the Gate. Again- that's not to say the sense of superiority isn't there. Its just less pronounced than anything else.

Ignatzia does fear her own death- but she refuses to let that fear guide her action. Experience shows her that giving into that desire would have gotten her killed. It was only by overcoming it that she managed to survive her Hellknight test. It's only by being as fearless now that she'll survive Rappan Athuk.

That's not to say she's reckless- if anything she's a planner. She always wants to know what to expect before facing a challenge. Her ability to view far off places is her most valuable tool, one she expects to use frequently in this dungeon of Graves.

Above all else, Ignatzia does not tolerate being made a fool of. She's got no qualms deceiving other people as she sees fit, but she considers herself the smartest person in the room at any given time until proven otherwise. She's willing to accept other people are smarter than she is, and to follow and except their guidance and leadership. But Ignatzia does not take kindly to being lied to by others, and will go out of her way to sabotage those who deceive her about anything substantial.

Ignatzia values power of all sorts (see the power hungry drawback). While she does have some limits for what she'll do to obtain power, she doesn't have many and most of those limits are come from her own self preservation more than they come from any moral code. Power over others, the dead, the beings from the Great Beyond, raw explosive might, she cares not what it is. Power is power. She's mostly ambivalent about the source it springs from unless it somehow harms her.

What initially appears to be a roughly fist sized piece of flint turns out to be a psicrystal upon closer inspection. By "closer inspection", I mean normal rocks don't normally talk and that tends to be a give away that their is something unusual going on here.

Ignatzia's not entirely sure why her psicrystal is flint. The things are generally more colorful than that. She's researched the subject, and has found that flint is technically a sort of crystal. Regardless, it's unusual choice of mineral doesn't seem to have any sort of effect on it's functionality.

At any rate, the thing calls itself Araquiel, and is rather boisterous and exuberant. It fancies itself as a noble hero, the companion of the brave and beautiful Ignatzia, heroically defying her family's infernal taint and supporting the cause of true order. It will travel wherever she does, and keep her safe from all harm. In combat, the thing usually rides on her shoulder and intimidate it's enemies with mixed levels of success. Can't fault the thing for it's enthusiasm though.

The thing is only quiet when directly ordered to be, and then only for the next fifteen minutes or in situations where stealth is required.

She's got no idea why her psicrystal is like this. The things are supposed to be reflections of their creator's personality. She's not anything like this. Nope. Not one bit. She totally doesn't view herself as some noble hero who's so full of herself. Not at all.

(Yes, Ignatzia is in denial about her actually seeing herself as somewhat heroic. Yes, the psycrystal is meant as comedic relief. Yes, it can speak, only common though, for now.

And yes- this basically means that Ignatzia has a sentient pet rock.)

First of all- orders are orders. Breaking a direct order from superior is a quick way to be executed if you're a Hellknight.

More than that though, she expects to benefit greatly from this. While she's expected to secure anything her order might find value in, she's got a lot of leeway in her activities down here. If she stumbles across, say, a +6 circlet of intelligence while she's down there, then that thing is hers.

She expects to gain a great deal of experience from this place (not just the mechanical type). This is a treasure trove of ancient wisdom and power just waiting for her to control it. Whats not to love.

She's also aiming to become the next Vicarious of the Order of the Gate, and clearing out such a major dungeon like Rappan Athuk will greatly increase her reputation in the order.

Vuzi spent her entire life among the dead. Her first memories are of playing in the cemetery outside the destroyed village near the border of Utstalav and the Hold of Belkzen. Would love an image or some more specific description here. Her village was raided by the Orcs until there was nothing left but Vuzi, and an old woman who managed to hide them both each time the Orcs came through. Zera This is the first time you've used Zera's name, and while it's fairly obvious that Zera is the old woman in the previous sentence, it would run smoother if you introduced her used Vuzi to scavenge for food, and keep the firewood bin filled. Neither had another place to go to. Even if they had I think the phrasing here is a little bit off. The cumbersome and clumsy way to phrase this would be to use a second had, but if I were you I'd try to be more creative. a place they didn’t have the means to make it out of that forgotten ruined village. I suggest you be more specific about what was stopping them.

Things were quiet for a few years. It didn't’<< stay that way. When she was fourteen the orcs came through again. There were a couple of stragglers after the main force. The proceeding four sentences are all rather short. Short sentences are good when they come right after long sentences, but I would try to vary my length a little bit more. Zera and Vuzi just crawled out of their hiding spot in the cemetery, and the I think this should be the word they. were caught. This time they killed Zera the old woman, and found Vuzi hiding among the gravestones. This phrasing is a bit wonky, since it sounds like Zera and Vuzi emerged from hiding and got caught, then the orcs killed Zera and found Vuzi. But they couldn't've found Vuzi if they'd already caught her.

Vuzi’s oracle skills came to life, and she raised a skeleton to protect herself. This describes Vuzi raising the skeleton and the intention behind that action, but not the consequences of it. In other words, you never tell us what happened when the skeleton and Vuzi fought the orcs, and even though we all know Vuzi survived, I would still prefer a sentence here saying that. With Zera dead and the orcs aware there was someone left in the village I think there should be some punctuation or another word here. not just the ghosts, Vuzi took a chance and left. She’s traveled south and west over the years. She takes adventurer jobs for money. She’s been a caravan healer. That job didn’t end well. In fact most of her jobs don’t end well. Too many people have issues with the dead suddenly walking again. This is another spot with a bunch of short sentences. I think it works a bit better this time (though to be honest I'm not sure why), but I would personally want to avoid this.

The best thing she has done was to take care of the bandit leader By referring to the bandit leader as "the bandit leader" and not "a bandit leader", you make it seem like he's the only bandit leader and his group that were terrorizing a small village just a few days away from Sandpoint. After completing that job she headed to Sandpoint to spend her gold, and heard a story in the Rusty Dragon about a Dungeon full of Graves on an Island I don't think island should be capitalized in the Shackles. The items that might be found there intrigued Viza Could use some more specifics about the items she's interested in. Also I think there's missing punctuation here. She’s been headed to the Shackles for the last several months. I wouldn't establish that she's been headed to the Shackles after she hears about the dungeon, I would do it beforehand. Some people would do it afterwards, but in that case I think you would want to use the past tense (she had been headed to the Shackles).

She keeps growing strong I think this word should be stronger in her bones mystery, Is that the name of a class feature? I wouldn't use the name of a class feature because it's immersion breaking. and finds herself with a sorcerers affinity I think this is supposed to be sorcerer's affinity for the undead. She’s picked up the craft of tattooing, and can make a good living at that. The Inns and Pubs along the coast have many opportunities to tattoo a sailor or two each night. You put this after the paragraph where she killed the bandit lord, implying that she only learned to make tattoos after she'd been out in the world long enough to get to the point where she was essentially a full fledged adventurer.

The half-orc I had to go check the statblock, I'd been imagining a human the whole time. I guess I'd try to establish this earlier, maybe give a physical description (which I would make a separate spoiler) has finally made it to the island where the Forest of Hope is, and heads toward the local pub in the port town.. I wouldn't want to change tense mid paragraph. Also there are twice as many periods as there should be at the end of that sentence. A six foot tall half-orc woman wearing no armor enters the pub. Her body looks as if it could be wasting from a disease, but he hair is silky black and pulled into a neat bun at the back. Those who look closely will see a scorpion clinging to her clothing at the neckline. Her clothing is dark. She smiles but it isn’t a friendly smile. Her tattoos are evident. ”Anyone in need of a tattoo? I’ll trade one for information or you buying me dinner. Your choice.”

Notes:

I'd look at the first sentence in each paragraph and try to make it bundle the thoughts in the paragraph together. As it stands sometimes the thoughts seem a bit disjointed.

I don't have a great sense of Vuzi's personality. How would she react to various situations? Some sample situations:

She finds out that at least one of her parents is still alive and wants to meet, how does she react?

A beggar insults her on the street.

Upon returning to whatever inn she's staying at, Vuzi finds all her coin has been taken. No amount of searching turns up any leads. What goes through her mind before she acts.

The bandit lord had children. They were staying with him, and are now orphans. What will she do with them?

Someone at a bar starts flirting with her.

You said you want a creepy vibe, which is difficult to get using writing. My suggestion is that you try to use some imagery which will resonate easily with people, something they've already imagined or come close to imagining. In order to do this, you need to set up and describe scenes. Some ideas:

When the orcs kill her only companion and she animates a skeleton for the first time, keeping the focus away from a description of combat.

Vuzi imagining finding some sort of artifact from Rappan Athuk and using it.

The best thing she's ever done is kill a bandit lord. What's the worst thing she's ever done? I would only include one of those two things.

What were her travels like? A wanderer on the road for a long time is certain to have some interesting things happen to them.

Well, those are my thoughts. I hope I haven't said anything offensive, I've deliberately tried not too, and if anything comes off that way then I sincerely apologize, as I know all too well how delicately one must treat the writing of another.

That being said, I would appreciate your most merciless and critical assessment of my character and my writing.

Level 1:
... Bla-Cast-Bla
... Another-Bla-Cast
... More-Cast-Bla
Level 2:
... and-some-high-level (this does something unusual, namely ... nothing)

That at least helps with readability and to discern different levels. I use the same 'formating' for multiple options (e.g. available ammo for a bow, or different situational boni on an attack and stuff like that).
It helps me to keep that wall-of-text-with-a-name readable.
If you want to go all in, I also use small&ooc text's to give info on abilities that are not well known. That way you always have them handy, but it is clearly different to the usual text, and does not disturb the reading (well at least for my eyes).