101 Solutions to the "Goblin Baby Problem"


Pathfinder First Edition General Discussion

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Your party comes across several helpless Goblin Babies.

1. Murder the little monsters in their sleep.


2. murder them while they are awake
3. Go into a bear den and 'tragically fail your perception check (on purpose)' when the bear shows up and eats the appetizers first.
4. Give them some cans of gasoline and let nature and their inclination towards pyromania take its course.
5. put dog collars on them and use a fantastic bluff check to convince people that they are ugly puppies. Sell them off as such.
6. Find the local temple of Sarenrae. They are the easiest to guilt into this since they are all about 'salvation' and all.
7. Find the local temple of Lamasthu (hey, there can be CN worshippers; just look for the inbred farming communities, and you might find some). They probably want the little buggers.
8. Nothing. We are considering murdering them creatively. Why bother even picking them up in the first place?
9. As 8, but leave them to the wolves, and they either become dinner or get an awesome backstory (raised by wolves after adventurers killed his village). That can make a vaguely interesting villain (more XP than killing them as babies)


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10. Be Goblin Dad


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11. Slap your GM for setting up stupid "moral dilemmas".


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thejeff wrote:
11. Slap your GM for setting up stupid "moral dilemmas".

12. Sacrifice them to the cruel dice gods as vengeance against the all mighty "Gee Emm" who tries you so harshly.

The sacrifice can be represented on the table with gummies bears as the baby goblins. Ceremonially bite their heads off.


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13. If you'd be willing to kill innocent fictional babies... why not kill your GM in REAL LIFE!? just putting it out there


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14. Find a new GM that is NOT a total dick.

Silver Crusade

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15. Love them and squeeze them and call them George.


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16. Train them in deadly arts, promising they will have a chance to avenge their families once they grow.


17. Chain them together and turn them into a mobile chair.


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18. Do the Lawful Good thing. Feed them to orphans.

Silver Crusade

19. Give them to another goblin tribe.


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lucky7 wrote:
19. Give them to another goblin tribe.

20. Use them as bait to lure out another goblin tribe before spamming fireballs.


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21. Do the True Neutral thing. Dissect them for SCIENCE.


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lemeres wrote:
lucky7 wrote:
19. Give them to another goblin tribe.
20. Use them as bait to lure out another goblin tribe before spamming fireballs.

22. Have current babies, and babies from newly de-parented tribe fight to the death while charging admission.

Silver Crusade

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22. Sell them as bobbleheads.


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Don't goblin's fully mature in like 2 years? If yes keep them and train them into the perfect minions.


Murder is the only option. It's what the paladin would do.


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26. Sell them to Paizo as code monkeys so they can add a functional Edit feature for the forums.


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Claxon wrote:
Murder is the only option. It's what the paladin would do.

No...you should murder them spectacularly. The gods award bonus style points.


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27. Accept the challenge

-Nearyn


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28. Kill them, then reincarnate them (or skip the first step by being a high-level witch with the Forced Reincarnation Grand Hex). Sit back with some popcorn and watch the shenanigans that happen when you unleash the group of young adult [whatever they come back as] with the mind of an infant goblin on the world.


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29. Dress them up in 200 gp royalty clothes... that you stole (unnoticed) from the richest person in town... allow goblin babies to vomit on stolen clothes... place babies where rich person will find babies and has a comfortable viewing point... eat popcorn.

If the rich person harms the babies, blackmail them for money on threat that the adventurers will tell Mikaze. Gods help that rich person.

Grand Lodge

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Claxon wrote:
Murder is the only option. It's what the paladin would do.

The paladins of "Lawful Good" Iomedae and Torag, sure.

30. Baleful polymorph all of them into sheep, and hope none of them made their will save to keep their mind.


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31. Raise the goblins as your own personal child pickpockets / snatch & grab crew. Name all of the girls Artful Dodger and all of the boys Oliver Twist. (this way you don't have to remember a slew of names and when you call for one, they all snap to)

-Fagin

Dark Archive

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32. Baleful polymorph all of them into sheep, and hope all of them made their will save to keep their mind.


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33. Use simulacrum to create a Mikaze for every goblin tribe.


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34. Teach them to read.


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35. Lawful Good - Take them to an orphanage for 'trouble children' and hope for the best.
36. Lawful Neutral - Administer swift future justice and collect the bounty on goblin ears
37. Lawful Evil - Train them to be efficient, diligent assistance(using shock collars and the like), and get going on that personal army you've always wanted!
38. Neutral Good - Take them in, but once they start getting bitey, hand them off to the town guard - pretend you don't know that it's a 'kill shelter'.
39. Neutral - Drop them off a cliff. Meh.
40. Neutral Evil - Free kills? Huzzah. Enjoy yourself - it's your lucky day!
41. Chaotic Good - Teach them to dance and sing - you're sure you can turn them into happy wonderful flowers!
42. Chaotic Neutral - See how far you can throw them.
43. Chaotic Evil - BABY STEW MWA HAHAHAHAHAHA! WE'RE EATIN GOOD TONIGHT MOTHER!!!!!!


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We had a GM pull this one...
44. Each party member takes one baby and does what he wishes.
a: the paladin sent the baby to a orphanage run by his church
b: the barbarian/inquisitor used the baby as an improvised flail when we ran into the goblin parents
c: the "I'm not evil, I'm chaotic" bard took three, cast light on them and dropped them down pits to check depth
d: the rogue used the baby to blackmail/bribe the tribe's alchemist into taking the baby and fleeing before the rest of the party saw her


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Nebulae wrote:

We had a GM pull this one...

44. Each party member takes one baby and does what he wishes.
a: the paladin sent the baby to a orphanage run by his church
b: the barbarian/inquisitor used the baby as an improvised flail when we ran into the goblin parents
c: the "I'm not evil, I'm chaotic" bard took three, cast light on them and dropped them down pits to check depth
d: the rogue used the baby to blackmail/bribe the tribe's alchemist into taking the baby and fleeing before the rest of the party saw her

How does the paladin exist in this party!? Pretty questionable morality.


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Arturus Caeldhon wrote:
Nebulae wrote:

We had a GM pull this one...

44. Each party member takes one baby and does what he wishes.
a: the paladin sent the baby to a orphanage run by his church
b: the barbarian/inquisitor used the baby as an improvised flail when we ran into the goblin parents
c: the "I'm not evil, I'm chaotic" bard took three, cast light on them and dropped them down pits to check depth
d: the rogue used the baby to blackmail/bribe the tribe's alchemist into taking the baby and fleeing before the rest of the party saw her
How does the paladin exist in this party!? Pretty questionable morality.

Yeah, unless b&c were unknown to the paladin.

Both the barb/inq and the bard made big steps towards evil as well, though they might not care.
Even if goblins are irredeemably evil creatures, in which case the paladin wouldn't have to try to have them saved, he should still oppose such abuse.

The rogue may have taken the best approach.


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45. Be killed by the goblin babies. Fiendish Advanced Young Goblin Babies.


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46. Be killed by goblin babies. Just the plain kind.


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Secret Wizard wrote:
46. Be killed by goblin babies. Just the plain kind.

Acceptable.


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47. Be killed by goblin babies. The delicious kind. They ahve too many bones, and yet they are so delicious. Unfortunately, Golarion does not have the Heimlich maneuver (only grapple maneuvers on liches)


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48. Goblin Centipede


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49.) 8d6+22


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50.) Send them to Dr. Kaboom's Kamikaze Academy.


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51. Have half roll Magus, other half roll Wizard 3/Fighter 2/Eldritch Knight X, compare DPR at each level, complain at the forums anyway.


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52) because, for a paladin, I'm amazingly unwilling to involve myself, I contact social services about the abandoned goblin children and otherwise ignore them while basking in the glow of smug self-congratulation for having 'done the right thing'.


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53) Roll to save vs. illusion and then disbelief the goblins out of existence. Because clearly, with their complete lack of disregard for their children, the goblins are an egg-laying species.


54) Goblin Punch


55) Stew for your orc buddies.


Nebulae wrote:
c: the "I'm not evil, I'm chaotic" bard took three, cast light on them and dropped them down pits to check depth

I'm not evil, I'm just cute and spontaneous!

Silver Crusade

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56) Carry the baby hobgoblin around in your backpack (one of my Players's characters is doing this... her character is an android with no idea how to look after a baby)


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57) Kill them. Take any alignment change that may or may not result of this. With your new alignment, give exactly no poos whatsoever.


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58. Let them live. Take any alignment change that may or may not result of this. With your new alignment, give exactly no poos whatsoever.


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59) Kill them. When confronted with the horror of your atrocious act, look the universe squarely in the face while stating that it is a performance art project and that you resent your freedom of expression being trampled upon.


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60)Use this item to replace them with baby drow. Much better!

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