101 Solutions to the "Goblin Baby Problem"


Pathfinder First Edition General Discussion

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205) Train them into an army and go on an epic adventure to destroy the sources of proven morality and bring true free will to the universe!


Will it blend?

Dark Archive

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Starfinder Superscriber
alexd1976 wrote:
Will it blend?

I think "Will it Pizza?" would be the better question.


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It is a well known fact that goblin babies provide three out of the four required ingredients for a balanced meal for growing trolls. So, knowing this you can...

206.Feed them to all those troll babies you're trying to save too.


3 fireball spells.

Bunkbeds and 2 fireball spells.


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Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

Give them to the goblin in my Carrion Crown campaign - he needs more members for his cult.


207) Maximize Burst Of Radiance and drop the Survivor in a orphanage with the loot from the Goblin Cave as a donation.

The Exchange

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Orphanage not bad. They have a fireplace!!!

"Zizel, what have I told you about the fireplace?"

*bows head and looks at feet, saying something unintelligible*

"What?"

That I shouldn't... Should Not start or fuel the fires with my little bombs BUt... BUT, I can look at it, right?

"From a distance. Do not touch."


208) Summon a hungry dingo.


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Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber
Thac20 wrote:
208) Summon a hungry dingo.

Now would the end result be "the dingo ate my babies" or "the babies ate my dingo"?

Liberty's Edge

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209) Sell them to GMs wanting to set up "stupid moral dilemmas".

210) Actually, rent them for the RP scene, with a steep reimbursement in case things go bad (aka Genocidal Paladin on the prowl).


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The black raven wrote:

209) Sell them to GMs wanting to set up "stupid moral dilemmas".

210) Actually, rent them for the RP scene, with a steep reimbursement in case things go bad (aka Genocidal Paladin on the prowl).

TAKE MY MONEY! Gimme every one you have!


Akari Sayuri "Tiger Lily" wrote:
TarkXT wrote:
61) Eat them. Take any alignment change that may or may not result of this. With your new alignment, give exactly one immense poo.
One of the players at my lodge tried something like this. As I understand it, the character has the goal of cooking at least one of every monster in existence. The GM pretty quickly nixed doing it to anything with an Int score of higher than 2, though :)

What a jerk GM


Icyshadow wrote:

89. Thank the DM for giving me something else than mere blocks of HP that I need to cut down for EXP. Then try raising the goblins and hoping for the best.

Seriously, so many murderhobos here want to kick / punch / slap the DM for this scenario. It just seems to show that people don't care for the RP in a Tabletop RPG.

Agreed. You can always kill them later if you have to.


211:
Detect evil, then use the evil ones as fodder and the neutral ones as minions


Sam the silver dragon wrote:

211:

Detect evil, then use the evil ones as fodder and the neutral ones as minions

Creatures under 5HD do not give off an evil aura unless they are clerics, inquisitors, dragons, undead, outsiders, or antipaladins.

That's why you give them a holy weapon, and the evil ones will die instantly from wielding it, as the babies will not have more than 1HD.


212: Wand of Feather Fall + Catapult + Town within catapult range = Not your babies, not your problem.


Craft them into Goblin Skull Bombs & return them to tribe X as gifts from rival tribe Y (of course ensuring they know they are their babies.)

If they pick em up and accidentally drop it, they die (5d6 fire.) If they toss them at the other tribe and hit, it kills the target, if it misses, they die themselves for missing.


213. Feed them gingerbread cookies and teach them that just because you CAN be evil and most people are going to assume you are evil because you like baking goodies for children, doesn't mean you have to be.


214: "If you guys still feel raw about this when you turn whatever it is you turn when you're adults, come seek us out. We'll be even higher level then."


215: Dose them up with alchemical INT boosters, while training them as halfling-replacement servants so you could build an espionage network throughout the households of wealthy individuals.

Sovereign Court

216: Test if dead baby jokes are funny when acted out.


Sissyl wrote:
214: "If you guys still feel raw about this when you turn whatever it is you turn when you're adults, come seek us out. We'll be even higher level then."

Given the number of times adult adventurers could level up in a single year, those baby goblins had better start prepping their god-killing techniques and paladin-fall maneuvers.

Dark Archive

217: Drop the goblin babies off at a church of Sarenrae, to see if they may be able to raise the babies to not follow after the alignment of their kin. That, and perhaps prove it can be at least as much nurture as nature in what these goblins become. Show that there can be such a thing as good goblins.


218) Teach them acting, dress them up in felt and foam, and present them as the newest puppet sensation.


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219. Have them all go into politics.


Pathfinder Rulebook Subscriber

The last time this got pulled by a GM in our circle, his games seemed to never get scheduled anymore. After several months, he was given 'another chance', only to try to restart the nonsense. When he did, the host brought out her knitting, and her husband fired up the Playstation.

The sole survivor actually playing was our resident murder hobo from heck. She made each die a different horrid death.


Pedantic Pundit, The wrote:
219. Have them all go into politics.

Comrade Anklebiter yells that to his children... does he even have children?


Create a few lawful good simulacrum goblin adults of various classes and have them raise the orphaned goblin babies, train them. Then use the raised goblin babies as shock troops against the forces of evil.


220. Raise them and train them in the shadow arts, become the keeper of all the nobles dark/disturbing/gross secrets, and thus new owner of their gold, pay a fair wage to your handy goblin eyes and ears, bam, success AND ethics.

(plus, uppity nobles get the fire, ALL THE GOBLIN NINJA FIRE!)


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This reminds me of one of my favorite game settings, GURPS Goblins. They had yer goblin get phobias and deformities (buildin' character) and occasionally advantages from the random mistreatments they suffered as children. With that in mind, here's some doozies you can ruthlessly swipe after you've gutted it for the IP. I would steal more for ya, but I'm 'fraid not too much for workin' paul bono anymore. But ya can find more of these gold nuggets on pg. 66

Fire 'em as a skeet
Pawn 'em off to surgeons
Wear 'em as a wig
Nail 'em up as scarecrows


225. Clearly one gobby was taught necromancy, as this thread was renewed. lol.
226. In one past adventure we saved a goblin female and she became a chamber maid at our friend's tavern; the bard dressed her in pink taffeta for this as well. Perhaps this could be their fate.
227. Raise them for few months, then smuggle them into your biggest rival's stronghold and turn them loose. Enjoy the chaos, then feign complete innocence later.


I'm so glad you said maid and not something else beginning with chamber.


Claxon wrote:
Ms. Pleiades wrote:
Claxon wrote:
Murder is the only option. It's what the paladin would do.
The paladins of "Lawful Good" Iomedae and Torag, sure.
I think you missed the inherent sarcasm

It amuses me to take sarcasm literally. I'm not the only one.:)

I love this topic.


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228. Trade them all in for one adult Goblin that might listen to you? There IS an exchange rate on Goblins, isn't there?


229. Train them to entertain with pig riding contests.
230. Teach them how to raid caravan wagons(or anything else) whilst the party distracts the guards.
231. Take bets on how high they bounce when the druid's eagle companion drops them from on high. (plus a squares contest to see which part of the meadow grid they land in)
232. Raise them to be well treated, personal valets for the party.


233. Charm them, convince them they are house elves, and give them names like Dobby. :)

234. Have them test magic items. If you want a certain curse item, then you remove curse. A goblin with a sword of berserking is easy to subdue.

235. Take good care of them and see how fast they grow up.

Liberty's Edge

236. Make goblins a core player race <3


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237. Good: "Let's convert this campaign to Pathfinder Second Edition. Hey, goblins are suddenly accepted members of society, so we'll just drop them off at the nearest orphanage!"

238. Neutral: "I'll strap them to my back and carry them around with me everywhere, so I can keep them safe. Whoops! I got caught in a fireball / negative energy burst / dragon's breath and now they're all dead! Boy, the guy who did that sure is evil! We'd better kill him and loot his corpse!"

239. Evil: "So, I could murder them all, or leave them to starve slowly, or I could give them a chance to grow up and murder others. All great options, but which is the most evil?"


240. Enter topic thinking to debate over modern versus ancient morality and so on, but find it's a comedy thread and can't figure out anything funny after 239 previous entries.


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241. Newly-forged katana quenching.


242a. Kill 101 of them and make a coat.

242b. Individually put them in a pit of hungry cats. Then put the ones that survive the cats in a pit against each other. Take the survivors into your secret assassin organization to be trained as targets for your non-goblin assassin apprentices because goblins are gross.


243
Step 1: use the goblin babies to start a new goblin tribe that worship me as their GOD!
Step 2: make sure to stock pile all of the goblin dead bodies. With their fast growth and high mortality rates I should have more bodies than I know what to do with.
Step 3: Raise the dead goblins as Skeletons and or Zombies.
Step 4: Profit


Edward the Necromancer wrote:

243

Step 1: use the goblin babies to start a new goblin tribe that worship me as their GOD!
Step 2: make sure to stock pile all of the goblin dead bodies. With their fast growth and high mortality rates I should have more bodies than I know what to do with.
Step 3: Raise the dead goblins as Skeletons and or Zombies.
Step 4: Profit

Step 4: build undead-powered treadmill power source/grain mill/whatever

Step 5: Sell services provided by said perpetual motion machine
Step 6: Profit.


244. Honor demands fair play. Acquire an equal number of elven babies and equip them all for a grand melee.

Liberty's Edge

245. Stuff them with sweets and use them as pinatas.

Grand Lodge

246. They are racially pyromaniacs? Use them for pyrokinetic target practise; they'll love it!


247: “Remember folks: spay and neuter your goblins.”


248: Skin them alive and use the screams and scent of goblin meat to attract something that will give you more XP for killing it.


thegreenteagamer wrote:
Kill half and raise half, and insist you're true neutral and just maintaining the balance.

As all things should be.

249: Argue for several hours with the rest of your party as to what to do. Eventually settle on a convoluted plan bound for farce.

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