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I'm currently in the Legacy of Fire AP, which has several achievement feats that PCs can qualify for after accumulating enough points towards various goals. My oracle has Healer's Touch, which required healing a cumulative 1000 hp of damage. The barbarian has just taken his second achievement feat, which required him to take a cumulative 1000 hp of damage, which was reduced by 1/5 of any magical healing he received. Naturally, my PC's main schtick slowed his progress, so there was a great deal of in-character grousing about "I don't need healing, I'm FINE," while my character healed him anyway because if he dies, he can't kill the things trying to kill us all. (Even if it would get him partway to another achievement feat, which requires being brought back from death twice.)
We recently leveled up after a truly epic battle against a foe way above our level. The barbarian easily completed his goal, and then some, despite my healer shoving his internal organs back into place nearly every round. So he had his shiny new feat before our next fight, which was much shorter. When it was over, we had this exchange:
Me: "I cast cure critical wounds on Hakken, but won't insult him by healing all his wounds."
Barbarian's player: "I'm not insulted! Not anymore! PLEASE heal me!"
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Here's a classic one-liner that's sure to get a laugh from any crowd:
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."
"Boooo!"
"Are they booing me?""No, they're saying Booo-urns! Boooo-urns!"
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Take the halfling.
Leave the cannoli.
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PCs are wandering around the city when they come upon a blind man selling apples for 2 coppers each. Unfortunately, some wag had eaten the apples and left only the cores. One of the players looks at the collection cup and takes out a gold piece (1). "Do you have change for a gold piece?"
PCs are wandering around the city when they come upon a blind man selling apples for 2 coppers each. Unfortunately, some wag had eaten the apples and left only the cores. One of the players looks at the collection cup and takes out a gold piece (1). "Do you have change for a gold piece?"
That's hilarious!
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PC: How does she look? *Heal check*
GM: The only thing keeping her internal organs internal is willpower and skin-care products.
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PLAYER: *quotes general rule to justify action*
GM (in old-school kungfu dub voice): Ha ha! Your nerd fu is strong! But my nerd fu is stronger! *quotes specific rule negating general rule* Ha ha!
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*trying for a long time to explain caster level vs. spell level vs. character level to a Pathfinder new player*
"The problem is that Pathfinder uses 'level' the way Smurfs use 'Smurf'."
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*trying for a long time to explain caster level vs. spell level vs. character level to a Pathfinder new player*
"The problem is that Pathfinder uses 'level' the way Smurfs use 'Smurf'."
LOL it's true.
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After some part-IC/part-OOC chatter about booze and Cayden Cailean, one of my PCs got their zen on and intoned:
"Alcohol is a solvent, but it is not always a solution."
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After some part-IC/part-OOC chatter about booze and Cayden Cailean, one of my PCs got their zen on and intoned:
"Alcohol is a solvent, but it is not always a solution."
This is awesome.
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This is awesome.After some part-IC/part-OOC chatter about booze and Cayden Cailean, one of my PCs got their zen on and intoned:
"Alcohol is a solvent, but it is not always a solution."
*bows*
After some part-IC/part-OOC chatter about booze and Cayden Cailean, one of my PCs got their zen on and intoned:
"Alcohol is a solvent, but it is not always a solution."
Bar sign of calden cadyen number 43 ish.
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*trying for a long time to explain caster level vs. spell level vs. character level to a Pathfinder new player*
"The problem is that Pathfinder uses 'level' the way Smurfs use 'Smurf'."
Insert obligatory Order of the Stick reference here:
Up a level, down a level| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
DM "Alright it should take you about 4 hours to gather all these bones from the archeological site
Me "Well we Have a Vlaaka (starfinder space wolf) we should be done in 15 minutes.
Dm "alright it takes you 15 minutes to gather the bones and 5 hours to get them away from the Vlaaka....
*trying for a long time to explain caster level vs. spell level vs. character level to a Pathfinder new player*
"The problem is that Pathfinder uses 'level' the way Smurfs use 'Smurf'."
Insert obligatory Order of the Stick reference here:
Up a level, down a level
That is totally awesome. More specifically, E. Gary Gygax himself even went to the trouble to do the thesaurus thing in the Dungeon Master's Guide (or was it in the Player's Handbook? -- either way, with his organization, I'll never find it again), but then rejected the idea.
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CLERIC (to rogue): Don't worry. If you accidentally poison yourself applying that to your weapon, I've prepped Laugh My Ass Off.
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GM:"The warden has flacid tentacles"
Player (Brawler/Barb): I dirty trick Baphomets headpriestes and entangle her!
GM: With what?
Player: Her own hairdo and weird clothes
GM: OK
Player (Brawler/Barb) : Now I use savage dirty trick to also stagger her, and then use quick dirty trick to apply pinned!
GM: And because you have brawlers flurry this actually works, what do you pin her with
Player (Brawler/Barb): Her weird clothes!
GM: You pin Svendack, high priestess of the Baphomet, in her own clothes and hair. She is also staggered and looks pretty confused.
Player (Paladin): Are you secretly the reason why noone in the Abyss wears clothes?
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The Perfectly Average Balor would be a great picture book. Lessons learned, hearts warmed, souls flayed...
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Lessons learned...
The one time my party faced a "perfectly average balor" the PCs killed it and took its weapon. One PC took some practice swings with it (which was the standard practice in those campaigns) to determine that it was just a +1 greatsword. "Nothing special." The party just stashed the sword away, never bothering to test it further nor to sell it. The campaign ended without the PCs ever finding out that this "nothing special" was a vorpal weapon. I guess I could learn a lesson from that.
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Good god!
If I had killed a balor, I'd use its sword just on basic coolness principles. Like, even if I had what I thought was a better weapon, I'd still be using that thing. For everything. Bottle opener. Torch extinguisher. Stabbing people. Pointing to give directions. Everything.
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Good god!
If I had killed a balor, I'd use its sword just on basic coolness principles. Like, even if I had what I thought was a better weapon, I'd still be using that thing. For everything. Bottle opener. Torch extinguisher. Stabbing people. Pointing to give directions. Everything.
I was going to say pretty much the same. "I, Little Bobby Devil-Butcher, took this sword from the still living hand of Ed, mightiest of Hell's warriors, and slew him with it. So, all of you who stand before me will know that this blade, Hellbender, thirsts for your blood and its thirst will not be quenched until it has taken the life of you and all your brethren. And, should Fate turn her back on me and one of you take my blade from me, remember to have an adult present when you use it!"
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*debrimstones*
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GM: You hear noises below decks. When you go down there, there's something disturbing all the cows being transported in the ship's hold.
CLERIC *rolls d20*: I make a Sense Mootive check.
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GM: After you defeat the horrific creature in the ship's hold, you realize that one of your fellow ship's passengers must be responsible for bringing it on-board.
CLERIC: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
GM: Hold on, hold on. Before you go charging off, there's some more information you will find right after the combat.
CLERIC: RELEASE THE BOX TEXT!
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GM: You hear noises below decks. When you go down there, there's something disturbing all the cows being transported in the ship's hold.
CLERIC *rolls d20*: I make a Sense Mootive check.
The GM must have had a cow . . . .
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GM: You hear noises below decks. When you go down there, there's something disturbing all the cows being transported in the ship's hold.
CLERIC *rolls d20*: I make a Sense Mootive check.
The GM must have had a cow . . . .
He nearly stormed off in a hoof, cuddammit!
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Without context quotes:
ME:"Nobody does it like a Succubus!"
Lawful character"What it? You horny skald!"
Me:"Public relations!"
Lawful character:"what, you are already debauched enough to do it with her in public?"
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She is hoping to sell tickets.
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Way of the wicked either degenerates into all the edgelords, or gets really light hearted.
Enemy inquisitor looking at the currently large bloodrager:
"I see you savages grow big in your forests"
Me: "Your trinity is love, hope and faith, mine is vitamins, minerals and steroids! Lets see whose prevails!"
Party wants to draw the attention of a Vampire lord
Antipaladin:"So how to we get Count Gaius Octavious Vestromos attention?"
Bloodrager: "I shall join the underground fighting leage, in the campiest Vampire outfit possible, and use Count Gaius Decimus Eastromo as my ringname!"
Antipaladin: "How do you savage plan to impersonate a count? Or play act as one?"
Bloodrager:"I learned how to do maths, and of course I can Count! One bad idea, 2 bad ideas, 4 bad ideas, 8 bad ideas! And in contrast to you my size makes me more easily counted!"
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*player casts contact other plane*
GM (in unearthly voice): Life... is a mystery... everyone... must stand alone... I hear you call my name... and... it feels... like... home...
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"What kind of cleric multi-classes into monk? One who survives."
(After the cleric/monk PC used Deflect Arrows for the first time.)
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BACK STORY: Very early in the campaign, the party had only found one magic item, a rope of climbing. One of the characters charged into an angry mob of peasants, triggering his own death by stomping and the loss of the party's only magic item.
18 MONTHS LATER:
GM (full drama mode engaged): You approach the dread tower. Screaming hurricane force winds whip the air around you, rendering flight impossible. An enormous adamantine gate looms in the forty-foot walls, blocking further progress.
*beat*
If only you had a rope of climbing.
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*sniffs and wipes a tear* GM snark AND revenge. That's beautiful, man.
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*sniffs and wipes a tear* GM snark AND revenge. That's beautiful, man.
It was a good day.
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This is an older one. Game is Superhero type. The character in question is a brick (strong/tough) Modeled on Doc Ock, but his extra tentacle arms are telekinesis.
Bad guy monologues and draws a very nasty knife. The brick uses his TK picks up a nearby vehicle and hits the guy. The quip is "He brought a knife to a van fight"
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man, talk about van hailin'
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I have a friend who usually GMs for his home group in OK, but he finally got to play his thaumaturge while back in KY for a conference.
"I'm going to use Personal Antithesis, and lay on the Southern guilt."