Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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Strange Aeons AP:
The party has woken with amnesia in an insane asylum. The asylum has been partly destroyed by an earthquake. Doppelgangers and ghouls run amok. An enormous fungoid eye in the wall weeps pints of ammonia, screaming "WHO AM I BECOME?" A quivering, rolling mound of flesh seethes in through the front door, engulfing one of the PCs and seeming to grow stronger every time it is hit. And that's just day 1.

This is the best part of Ustalav. People for miles around tell their children about this exact spot, saying "If you're good, you get to go there!"


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"The pen may not be mightier than the sword, but if I hit your jugular, it'll do."


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My daughter played a SFS scenario last night, and was told up-front that it was a diplomatic mission in which every PC would need to contribute social skill checks. She has exactly two PCs: her Bucky-Barnes-inspired soldier and her vesk icon solarian. The latter is *marginally* better at diplomacy because her class requires a positive Cha modifier, but is actually only trained in Intimidate. So every so often as I ran my own game, I overheard a growled, "You WILL like this person!" from hers.


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"I wave my arms around and try Intimidate to scare them off. Everyone knows hobgoblins are easily startled."
"That's Sand People."
"S$&@."


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"The odds are a million to one against!"
"Hey! Hey. Hey... There are four of us."


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Sadly, many of the best one-liners from a recent SFS scenario I played referred to the heaping pile of goblin scat the PCs found early on, so aren't suitable for reprinting here. ;)

Later on, we acquired a goblin as a temporary sidekick. As we approached the next fight, the GM rolled well for the goblin's initiative. He went first, running around a corner towards the sounds of combat, giddily crying, "I'm unsupervised!"

When the first PC caught up with him on their turn, he chirped almost as eagerly, "I'm supervised!"

Scarab Sages

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From a Star Wars campaign:

Jedi is currently in a bacta tank while the other characters are under attack nearby.
Jedi player: Waves hand, signifying he’s using a Force power. “That guy misses.”
GM: “He’s outside the range of that power.”
Player: Gets up and walks across the room to where the GM is sitting, them waves his hand again. “That guy misses.”


^But did it work?

Silver Crusade

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No. The GM was a toydarian, so he was immune.

Scarab Sages

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The party enter a chamber to face the BBEG, who is a mummy.
GM: “A trumpet fanfare greets you.” Plays ‘sad trombone’ sound file from his phone.
Later, after the party have destroyed a golem minion protecting the mummy:
GM: “The pharaoh is angry that you defeated his golem.” Plays ‘sad trombone’ again.


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“A shabti is a wood or clay miniature statue buried with a Pharoah, to serve then in the afterlife.”
“Oh man! I wanna be buried with my old G.I. Joes!”

Scarab Sages

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New adventure path - plan is for the slayer to become party leader but it’s only session 2. Party have gone to deal with some bandits at the bandits’ campsite. The wizard is using ‘message’ with two party members.

Wizard whispers: “They found a bandit camp.”
Slayer: “This one time, at bandit camp...”
Wizard whispers: “You’re not allowed to be leader anymore.”


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber

In our Ultraviolet Grasslands game, one PC is USAF Maj. Jake Slayton, an American astronaut who fell through a wormhole into a very weird psychedelic '80s Heavy Metal world. Other PCs are the wizard Vitus the Red and the barbarian Tarkov the Wolf. They were exploring the wreck of a voidship that crashed hundreds of years ago, and found that the engine room still had power, with a weird glowing object surrounded by corcusating rays of blue-green energy.

Slayton (pointing an Air Force-issued Geiger counter at it): Stay back! That thing is throwing off a ton of radiation.

Vitus (probing the area with his mage sense): And the dweomer rates at least a dozen thaums, yet I cannot discern its sphere. The magic here is strange yet extremely powerful.

Tarkov: It feels like that thing is pulling my sword toward it!

Slayton: It must be strongly magnetic.

Vitus: Oh, come on. You don't actually believe in magnetism, do you?


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*1st level wizard, 15 minutes into session*

"I have come here to cast mage armor and kick ass. And I'm all out of mage armor."


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Pathfinder Maps, Pawns Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

"Tonight, we fill our hulls with extravagant meat!"

- NPC whaler, psyching up his crew (the PCs) before a big score.

That one incidental line stopped the game for two hours, while everyone struggled to regain their composure.

Scarab Sages

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Another session of our Kingmaker campaign:

The inquisitor is feeling a bit out of her element in the wilderness.
Inquisitor’s player: “[Inquisitor] is losing her mind. She needs to go back to society.”
Half-orc: “We need to build her a society.”
Wizard: “So what is this, your therapy kingdom?”

Scarab Sages

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Found a couple of old ones.

GM: “This is a normal mummy stuffed with linen and herbs and spices. And chicken.”
Player: “I can detect at least six spices. Maybe seven.”
#kfcmummy

One character is affected by a curse compelling him to drink some enchanted water.
GM (whispering): “Drink the water. Drink Sprite. Be yourself.”

The party found a jar of alchemical preservation, which we kept referring to as alchemical preserves.
Player: “Made by the great alchemist Smucker.”

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