Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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Strange Aeons AP:
The party has woken with amnesia in an insane asylum. The asylum has been partly destroyed by an earthquake. Doppelgangers and ghouls run amok. An enormous fungoid eye in the wall weeps pints of ammonia, screaming "WHO AM I BECOME?" A quivering, rolling mound of flesh seethes in through the front door, engulfing one of the PCs and seeming to grow stronger every time it is hit. And that's just day 1.

This is the best part of Ustalav. People for miles around tell their children about this exact spot, saying "If you're good, you get to go there!"


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"The pen may not be mightier than the sword, but if I hit your jugular, it'll do."


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My daughter played a SFS scenario last night, and was told up-front that it was a diplomatic mission in which every PC would need to contribute social skill checks. She has exactly two PCs: her Bucky-Barnes-inspired soldier and her vesk icon solarian. The latter is *marginally* better at diplomacy because her class requires a positive Cha modifier, but is actually only trained in Intimidate. So every so often as I ran my own game, I overheard a growled, "You WILL like this person!" from hers.


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"I wave my arms around and try Intimidate to scare them off. Everyone knows hobgoblins are easily startled."
"That's Sand People."
"Shit."


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"The odds are a million to one against!"
"Hey! Hey. Hey... There are four of us."


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Sadly, many of the best one-liners from a recent SFS scenario I played referred to the heaping pile of goblin scat the PCs found early on, so aren't suitable for reprinting here. ;)

Later on, we acquired a goblin as a temporary sidekick. As we approached the next fight, the GM rolled well for the goblin's initiative. He went first, running around a corner towards the sounds of combat, giddily crying, "I'm unsupervised!"

When the first PC caught up with him on their turn, he chirped almost as eagerly, "I'm supervised!"

Scarab Sages

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From a Star Wars campaign:

Jedi is currently in a bacta tank while the other characters are under attack nearby.
Jedi player: Waves hand, signifying he’s using a Force power. “That guy misses.”
GM: “He’s outside the range of that power.”
Player: Gets up and walks across the room to where the GM is sitting, them waves his hand again. “That guy misses.”


^But did it work?

Silver Crusade

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No. The GM was a toydarian, so he was immune.

Scarab Sages

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The party enter a chamber to face the BBEG, who is a mummy.
GM: “A trumpet fanfare greets you.” Plays ‘sad trombone’ sound file from his phone.
Later, after the party have destroyed a golem minion protecting the mummy:
GM: “The pharaoh is angry that you defeated his golem.” Plays ‘sad trombone’ again.


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“A shabti is a wood or clay miniature statue buried with a Pharoah, to serve then in the afterlife.”
“Oh man! I wanna be buried with my old G.I. Joes!”

Scarab Sages

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New adventure path - plan is for the slayer to become party leader but it’s only session 2. Party have gone to deal with some bandits at the bandits’ campsite. The wizard is using ‘message’ with two party members.

Wizard whispers: “They found a bandit camp.”
Slayer: “This one time, at bandit camp...”
Wizard whispers: “You’re not allowed to be leader anymore.”


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In our Ultraviolet Grasslands game, one PC is USAF Maj. Jake Slayton, an American astronaut who fell through a wormhole into a very weird psychedelic '80s Heavy Metal world. Other PCs are the wizard Vitus the Red and the barbarian Tarkov the Wolf. They were exploring the wreck of a voidship that crashed hundreds of years ago, and found that the engine room still had power, with a weird glowing object surrounded by corcusating rays of blue-green energy.

Slayton (pointing an Air Force-issued Geiger counter at it): Stay back! That thing is throwing off a ton of radiation.

Vitus (probing the area with his mage sense): And the dweomer rates at least a dozen thaums, yet I cannot discern its sphere. The magic here is strange yet extremely powerful.

Tarkov: It feels like that thing is pulling my sword toward it!

Slayton: It must be strongly magnetic.

Vitus: Oh, come on. You don't actually believe in magnetism, do you?


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*1st level wizard, 15 minutes into session*

"I have come here to cast mage armor and kick ass. And I'm all out of mage armor."


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Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

"Tonight, we fill our hulls with extravagant meat!"

- NPC whaler, psyching up his crew (the PCs) before a big score.

That one incidental line stopped the game for two hours, while everyone struggled to regain their composure.

Scarab Sages

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Another session of our Kingmaker campaign:

The inquisitor is feeling a bit out of her element in the wilderness.
Inquisitor’s player: “[Inquisitor] is losing her mind. She needs to go back to society.”
Half-orc: “We need to build her a society.”
Wizard: “So what is this, your therapy kingdom?”

Scarab Sages

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Found a couple of old ones.

GM: “This is a normal mummy stuffed with linen and herbs and spices. And chicken.”
Player: “I can detect at least six spices. Maybe seven.”
#kfcmummy

One character is affected by a curse compelling him to drink some enchanted water.
GM (whispering): “Drink the water. Drink Sprite. Be yourself.”

The party found a jar of alchemical preservation, which we kept referring to as alchemical preserves.
Player: “Made by the great alchemist Smucker.”


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This needs setup. Starfinder game playing Legendary Planet; one of the characters is a chlorvian, a humanoid-plant hybrid. The party has been asked to get hired by a kidnapper in order to betray him during the ransom exchange.

Player 1: "This should be easy. We say we're mercenaries looking for work, which we are."
Player 2: "Well, you are."
Chlorvian player: "I'm just a plant!"


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"I only stab him a little..."


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"Many a foe has choked on the blade of my sword!"

"Roll a Will save vs. fear."

*fail*

"Many a foe has choked on the dust of my retreat!"

Scarab Sages

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Last week’s Kingmaker session was kingdom-building bookkeeping. Our budding nation experienced a plague and two monster attacks from the event cards.

Player: “Where’s the event for ‘Won a beauty contest, economy improves by 2’?”


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BACKGROUND: We're playing lovecraftian Strange Aeons. A player's cohort died.

PLAYER: Maybe I could get a yithian as a replacement!
GM: Everybody wants a yith-man...


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The other one from that session:

One of the foes had an ability to whisper horrific truths to a target (Will save or babble incoherently for one round).

PC: “What kind of horrific truth?”
ME: “Apple Jacks don’t even taste like apples.”


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GM: At the center of the cavern looms a froghemoth.
PLAYER 1: Oh shit!
PLAYER 2: Is that bad?
PLAYER 1: It's got 'hemoth' right in the name!


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"The road to smoochy-town is paved with MURDER!!"
—Tillie Flynn, 73

(Game: Brindlewood Bay)


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BACKGROUND: Played my first Starfinder session last week. I'm playing a vesk (big lizard person). The ysoki (rat-man) jibes the gangsters shooting at us with a crude anatomical suggestion.

VESK (not wanting to be left out, but unclear on all the biological details): Yeah! Stuff your mammal snout in my cloaca too!


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That's it. That's the one. I'm naming a band Mammal Snout.


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*expels beverage from snout*


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This was in a session of Mörk Bork I ran over the weekend...

. . . .

GM: Okay—Add 'severed head' to your inventory.

. . . .

Player 1: I reach into my pack and lower about six feet of rope that ends in a hangman's noose.
Player 2: Um, why do you carry a noose around with you?
Player 2: Sentimental value.


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"The Azlanti system is advanced. Decades, maybe even centuries beyond any computer you've seen."
"Ooo! Can it finally run Cyberpunk 2077?!"
"..."
"..."
"No."


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Dealing with NPC tax collectors

ROGUE: They can't have my hard-earned money!
CLERIC: Dude, you literally stole everything you have.
ROGUE: Yeah, and the people I stole it from worked really hard to earn it.


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LOL brilliant.


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"Hey! We may be terrible at starship combat and we may get our asses kicked by mooks and we may lack tactical acumen, but I honestly thought I was going to be able to come up with something positive to say by this point."


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BACKGROUND

We've been playing Starfinder. Our primary antagonist is the Azlanti Space Empire, which my character has been calling "Space Nazis" for months. The last session tho, we found ourselves fighting a species called 'draeliks'.

GM: The draeliks are followers of a nihilistic creed--
ME: Great. Space nihilists. Say what you will about the tenets of Space National Socialism, at least it's a ethos...


zoeyw wrote:
A friend once laughingly said, 'What if the Internet were switched off?' First we all laughed at his foolish statement, and then very slowly our conversation rolled on track and we got to seriously discussing, the importance of the internet. My posting this comment and all the online gaming and learning; nothing would have existed the way it does.

I didn't own my own computer until 1995 (it was acquired without authorization from the company's warehouse by a coworker). I couldn't wait to get online and holy cow I honestly don't know how I would be able to function without it. I'm not talking about spending all day on Facebook crying about politics or whatnot (though I've done plenty) but it's allowed me to learn things I might never have been exposed to, meet really great people (and some flaming a-holes, too), reconnect with family and old friends, communicate directly with the people who created and still create my hobbies, and so forth. When I graduated high school in 1982, my mom, who only had an eighth-grade education, told me to "study computers" instead of broadcasting. Let's be clear; my mom admittedly wasn't even sure what computers could do or would become capable of. She only knew that they would become one of the greatest tools our species ever developed. Like an idiot, I studied broadcasting.

People tend to gripe about "computers" when what they're really complaining about are their own choices as to where they tend to hang out on the internet. All they know is what they see without using the 'net or anything else as fully as they could. But take that PC, laptop, or smartphone from them and they cannot function anymore. As an introvert with ever increasing anxiety disorders, it's a lifeline for me. I honestly have a very hard time imagining what life without the internet would be like now.


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From a recent game of Rapscallion...

NPC: Aye! I can get you all invites to the Harbormaster's annual Casino Gala... it's at his house. But in exchange, I want you to retrieve something for me.

The Captain: We're pirates, but we're not petty thieves!

The Swashbuckler: With all due respect, Cap'n, let's hear him out... What do you want us to... retrieve?

NPC: The harbor master's wife is a bonny, bonny lady. And she has fine taste in undergarments... including a red silk negligée that allegedly has certain... magical properties. That's what I want in exchange!

The Navigator: Wait... you want us to go on a panty-raid!?

The Swashbuckler: No, it's a... negligéeper!


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“The lights go out. From the sudden darkness, hundreds of inhuman voices hoarsely whisper an eldritch message—“

“—I have important news about your car’s extended warranty!”

Silver Crusade

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We were talking about a minor detail in the campaign that two of us didn't remember from an earlier session.

Human player: "You must have been drunk at the time."

Me (elf player): "I guess us elves and half-elves just can't hold our liquor."

Half-elf player: "We were black out drunk, I guess. We woke up and lost a few hours."

Me: "It's that elven constitution penalty. But what's the use of being immune to sleep if we can still get drunk and black out?"


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Hearing an illusory horse in a stable, my bard tries to give the fighter a reality check

Fighter (will save failed) The horse looks also very real to Merida, so she stays in the back.

My Bard (will save successful)
Corbrae shakes Merinda, nearly screaming in her ear, her own face taking an orange-y tint in the effort

Fake neighs! Don't believe what you see or hear, believe what I tell you to believe!


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CLERIC OF GORUM: I love fighting the undead! It's like, you get to kill them as mortals and then you get to kill them again the next morning. It's the cold pizza of battle!


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Way of the righteous:
Party stumbles into Cultist hideout in front of Baphomet statue.

CN Skald: Behold the chosen one using ventriloquism while meaning the Paladin.
Cultist leader, rolling a nat 20 on his sense motive FAKE NEWS!


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BACKGROUND: The party consisted of a halfling and a human. A flying barghest was midway between them.

GM: He's trying to decide which of you to charge... on the one hand, you [the human] did a lot of damage to him. On the other hand, the halfling is soooo butterrryyyy...

Grand Lodge

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In yesterday's PFS(1E) game, the decidedly non-athletic cleric summoned a dolphin to pull her across a river of flowing elemental sand. The GM ruled that it worked, because of the swim speed, but that the dolphin would be a bit traumatized when it popped back to wherever it came from.

Another player: "All the other dolphins will start avoiding him, because he's got a crazy look in his eye."

Me: "You little dolphins be good, or you too will be summoned to the Hell of Sand!"


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A friend is introducing us the Awesome System, and in our second session tonight we reached the BBEG's lair. The party consists of a velociraptor priest, a dwarf weapons master, and a golem brawler.

GM: "Surprisingly, the door is unlocked."

Player: "That's because no humans are stupid enough to come here."

Me: "That's why they sent the nonhumans."

Silver Crusade

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After GM describes the forest we're searching as getting weirdly colorful, as we seem to be getting closer to a wild magic portal that we knew we were looking for.
Cleric player: Either we're getting close to the portal or Willy Wonka's factory.
Rogue player: Starts singing Oompa Loompa song
Me: Willy Wonka's big secret: Oompa Loompas are actually Pathfinder gnomes.

Rogue player: *singing* Do you see what I see?
Cleric player: *very matter of factly* No I don't. My perception is lower.


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GM: The sewer goblins fling moldering sacks filled with night soil and broken glass.

PC: Ah. The old shit & shards.


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Some months ago, the PCs were fighting a froghemoth. PCs are students at a magic school of a previous PC. One PC, a girl, gets grappled. ANother PC casts Grease on the trapped PC to help her escape.

GM: You're lubing up a schoolgirl in the clutches of a tentacle monster?


Bjørn Røyrvik wrote:

Some months ago, the PCs were fighting a froghemoth. PCs are students at a magic school of a previous PC. One PC, a girl, gets grappled. ANother PC casts Grease on the trapped PC to help her escape.

GM: You're lubing up a schoolgirl in the clutches of a tentacle monster?

Something something Japanese niche film category....


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