Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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"So, how did the Test of the Starstone go? Did Reinhart become a god?"
"Sadly, the aspirant perished. He tried to leap the chasm on his horse. The result was gruesome."
"Not the horse!"
"Oh, no, no, the horse made it. He's now god of hay and scratching your butt on posts."


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This isn't exactly a one-liner, but here goes.

Back at the start of a D&D 5e campaign I was playing early in the summer, the party found four teleportation circles in a dungeon that were color-coded: two orange and two purple. One of the PCs decided to tote one of the circles along with him and another decided to prop another one of the circles up with a crowbar over a chasm, in case we encountered any baddies and needed a quick kill.

Well, fast-forward about twenty minutes, by which point my character had been polymorphed into a cat and we'd just found a group of hobgoblins. The party came up with a plan: we decided to place the teleportation circle right in front of the door leading to the room in which the hobgoblins were playing cards in. The cat (me) went into the room and caused a general nuisance of my self in order to get the hobgoblins to chase after me.

Long story short, I succeeded in my task and they charged right out after me at which point the first two guys went "Whaaaaaaa..." and popped out into the chasm mentioned earlier, which apparently had a green ooze at the bottom of it. Horrible but funny deaths.

The third and last hobgoblin stayed back, at which point the party's dragonborn rogue leapt forward, grabbed the teleportation circle and slammed it over the hobgoblin's head. "Whaaaaaaa..."

One of the best moments of the campaign, easily.


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quibblemuch wrote:

"So, how did the Test of the Starstone go? Did Reinhart become a god?"

"Sadly, the aspirant perished. He tried to leap the chasm on his horse. The result was gruesome."
"Not the horse!"
"Oh, no, no, the horse made it. He's now god of hay and scratching your butt on posts."

Quibblemunch the Horse God has a nice ring to it. ;)

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

The Mad Comrade wrote:
quibblemuch wrote:

"So, how did the Test of the Starstone go? Did Reinhart become a god?"

"Sadly, the aspirant perished. He tried to leap the chasm on his horse. The result was gruesome."
"Not the horse!"
"Oh, no, no, the horse made it. He's now god of hay and scratching your butt on posts."
Quibblemunch the Horse God has a nice ring to it. ;)

Is that the horse from RotRL? The one from the goblin compound? Our DM told us there was a whole page of backstory for him, but hasn't told us what it is. We just started a sequel campaign yesterday that takes place 10 years after the events of RotRL, and a VERY old version of the horse appeared in the parade.


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Aw, man, I wish. I miss that horse. I'd like to think he ascended to divinity and that people across Golarion are scratching their butts on ceremonial posts while mulling a mouthful of holy hay.


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quibblemuch wrote:
Hulk smash puny heteronyms.

Come on now. Remember the rules of conduct for this board. You need to treat heteronyms with the same respect that you have for homophones.


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Philo Pharynx wrote:
quibblemuch wrote:
Hulk smash puny heteronyms.
Come on now. Remember the rules of conduct for this board. You need to treat heteronyms with the same respect that you have for homophones.

Hulk smash puny homophones too.

Hulk espouse monophonemic lexical prescriptivism.


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quibblemuch wrote:
Philo Pharynx wrote:
quibblemuch wrote:
Hulk smash puny heteronyms.
Come on now. Remember the rules of conduct for this board. You need to treat heteronyms with the same respect that you have for homophones.

Hulk smash puny homophones too.

Hulk espouse monophonemic lexical prescriptivism.

Hulk am improved vocabulimary.


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SHIRREN: Oh crap! Where's my grub?! Seriously, you guys, I can't find my grub!!
YSOKI: Mmri dummo...
SHIRREN: You rat bastard! I'm going to choke you out!
CAPTAIN: Reepicheep, stop hiding Chiikcachek's grub in your cheek pouch. Chiicachek, stop choking Reepicheep out.
ANDROID: I wish we were playing Scrabble.


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quibblemuch wrote:

SHIRREN: Oh crap! Where's my grub?! Seriously, you guys, I can't find my grub!!

YSOKI: Mmri dummo...
SHIRREN: You rat bastard! I'm going to choke you out!
CAPTAIN: Reepicheep, stop hiding Chiikcachek's grub in your cheek pouch. Chiicachek, stop choking Reepicheep out.
ANDROID: I wish we were playing Scrabble.

That is pretty danged funny. :)

Scarab Sages

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GM (after forgetting a detail in his description of some enemies): "The clockwork constructs have halberds, too."

Player: "So they're halborgs?"


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NINJA: And here's my character portrait.
OTHER PCs: That's just an empty room.
NINJA: I'm very good.

Shadow Lodge

quibblemuch wrote:

NINJA: And here's my character portrait.

OTHER PCs: That's just an empty room.
NINJA: I'm very good.

The classics are classics for a reason.


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This may have been posted before, and if so please excuse the repeat. This one isn't so much as a one liner but a visual joke, so it'll take a moment to set the scene.

The players were all sailors in a maritime campaign. They'd come across a map that told of a great treasure on a distant island. They found the island, but then discovered someone else had a map and had landed on the island after they'd found it. They didn't want to risk a fight and lose it, so my brother, who played the ship's cook, came up with a plan. The party would all run screaming toward their rowboat with him chasing them with his weapon of choice (a huge meat cleaver) as soon as the other landing party was in sight.

So they do this. They all come screaming out of the jungle, my brother waving his cleaver and screaming in some unintelligible language. When the party makes it to their landing craft, he v.e.r.y. slowly turns and looks at the other party and starts running toward them. The panic and get back in *their* boat and leave. My players waited aboard ship until the other party was back on THEIR ship, rowed like hell back to the beach, picked up my brother's character and the treasure, then got the hell out of there.

But the sight of my brother's character slowly turning to look at the other party with madness in his eyes was a priceless bit of roleplaying and ingenuity, and we count that as one of the best games we had in that campaign.


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:

This may have been posted before, and if so please excuse the repeat. This one isn't so much as a one liner but a visual joke, so it'll take a moment to set the scene.

The players were all sailors in a maritime campaign. They'd come across a map that told of a great treasure on a distant island. They found the island, but then discovered someone else had a map and had landed on the island after they'd found it. They didn't want to risk a fight and lose it, so my brother, who played the ship's cook, came up with a plan. The party would all run screaming toward their rowboat with him chasing them with his weapon of choice (a huge meat cleaver) as soon as the other landing party was in sight.

So they do this. They all come screaming out of the jungle, my brother waving his cleaver and screaming in some unintelligible language. When the party makes it to their landing craft, he v.e.r.y. slowly turns and looks at the other party and starts running toward them. The panic and get back in *their* boat and leave. My players waited aboard ship until the other party was back on THEIR ship, rowed like hell back to the beach, picked up my brother's character and the treasure, then got the hell out of there.

But the sight of my brother's character slowly turning to look at the other party with madness in his eyes was a priceless bit of roleplaying and ingenuity, and we count that as one of the best games we had in that campaign.

what a cleaver ploy


I see what you did there.

I wish my brother still played. He always had the most inventive ideas for things and character backgrounds. But after decades of living with extreme dyslexia and having to struggle to read and remember rules (and with 3.x and PF they got even more complicated) he turned all his things over to me and dropped the game.


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Paranoia

The troubleshooters come down the escalator into a subway station, where they are to board a subway to start their mission. Two cleaning bots are mopping up.

Of course its a setup and the bots manage to kill 5 of the seven party, not however, including the fellow who had the huge, experimental area affect plasma weapon.

He and his remaining buddy are nervous; wondering if they can trust each other; will more bad guys appear. I tell them there is a wooshing and a light coming down the tunnel.

Without even a moments hesitation he opens up with the plasma weapon.

At which I turn to the 5 players who were returning via subway to join their fellow troubleshooters...

"Go ahead and add one to your clone numbers..."

fnord!

Scarab Sages

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The party have stumbled upon a camp of gnoll slavers and their captives in the desert. The druid wild shapes into a large lioness and joins her animal companion, also a large lioness, heading toward the main group of slaves. The gnolls have hyenas as guard dogs. On seeing the lions, one of the hyenas suddenly decides it needs to be somewhere else.
SHAMAN: "Hyenas usually gang up on the weak. But those two lions aren't weak, and they're smart."
GM (in a mock upper-crust accent): "Why don't you go after one of those Harvard lions?"

The monk sneaks up for a closer look at the camp. He spots several gnolls, and a tent that appears to be occupied.
MONK: "It's [GM's] game, so there's probably some mega-gnolls in the tent. Five of them, and they'll combine to form a giant gnoll."
DRUID: "It's Gnoll-tron!"

The party found a roc's nest, but were taken by surprise when the roc returned and attacked them to defend her egg. Unfortunately they ended up killing her. The fatal blow was a fire breath attack from the monk.
SHAMAN: "We need a huge roc pot to cook this thing."

The party members decide not to destroy the roc egg or sell it. The shaman uses 'lesser planar ally' to summon a janni to take it to Elysium to be hatched and then set free.
GM: "Would you like to name it?"
TENGU MONK: "Flappy."
Long stare from the other players.
DRUID: "We're never letting you name anything ever again."
TENGU MONK: "What? It was my mother's name!"

Finally, the party faces off against a creature with the torso and head of a humanoid woman but the body and claws of a scorpion.
GM: "The woman says something in her weird scorpion language..."
BLOODRAGER (pretending to speak for the scorpion-woman): " 'Roll for initiative' ."


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One of the PC had a Robin Hood complex. At the start of the adventure the GM said that the PC had been arrested since he was a thief.

The player replied "I'm not a thief, I am agent of social change"


Curious wrote:

One of the PC had a Robin Hood complex. At the start of the adventure the GM said that the PC had been arrested since he was a thief.

The player replied "I'm not a thief, I am agent of social change"

He is technically correct

Scarab Sages

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From today's session:

As the party scale a giant beehive, the DRUID asks,
"Does it look like a honeycomb inside?"
GM: "Yeah yeah yeah."
SHAMAN: "It's not small?"
GM: "No no no."
(This one probably only makes sense to Americans who are over 40.)

After the part have been attacked by two shalkeshkas in the desert and have slain them both, they find that the desert hunters' pit nests contain some loot from previous victims.
PLAYER picks up one of the minis used to represent the shalkeshka and begins to shake it at the other mini, berating it.
"If someone would take out the trash, there wouldn't be all this loot here to attract adventurers!"


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Dire Elf wrote:

From today's session:

As the party scale a giant beehive, the DRUID asks,
"Does it look like a honeycomb inside?"
GM: "Yeah yeah yeah."
SHAMAN: "It's not small?"
GM: "No no no."
(This one probably only makes sense to Americans who are over 40.)

After the part have been attacked by two shalkeshkas in the desert and have slain them both, they find that the desert hunters' pit nests contain some loot from previous victims.
PLAYER picks up one of the minis used to represent the shalkeshka and begins to shake it at the other mini, berating it.
"If someone would take out the trash, there wouldn't be all this loot here to attract adventurers!"

Seriously. If Dragons would just sweep out their lairs once a month, there wouldn't be so much clutter. :D


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This popped up in my son's Facebook Memories window this morning. It was from a game I ran him and some of his friends on in 2013. The player, who can a really, really funny guy because he just blurts out the first thing that pops into his head, was the PC.

NPC: "What of the warlord's enforcer? He strikes without being seen."
My son's friend: "I strike without seeing."

Silver Crusade

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At a Pathfinder Society game the other day, the guy playing Crowe, the level 4 bloodrager pregen, kept doing well on his perception checks.

Crowe player: Crowe notices everything!
Me: But he doesn't know what any of it means.


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Homebrew setting, GM throws undead at us to scout our party.

I ask if they are ghoul scouts and barely avoid getting hit by the DM guide.

Silver Crusade

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Ten Percent Milk wrote:

Homebrew setting, GM throws undead at us to scout our party.

I ask if they are ghoul scouts and barely avoid getting hit by the DM guide.

Most importantly, did they try to sell you ghoul scout cookies?


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GM: "The villagers, human and halfling alike, gather round you. They look at you with eager eyes, awaiting the exotic benediction of your Dwarf Blessing."

DWARF: "Uh... um... May your beard never touch toilet water!"


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VILLAIN: "Fools! This only ends one way."
BARD: "Please say dance-off, please say dance-off, please say dance-off..."


Dance-of bro!


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quibblemuch wrote:

VILLAIN: "Fools! This only ends one way."

BARD: "Please say dance-off, please say dance-off, please say dance-off..."

I debeveraged.


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One time, our party, with no rogue, came to a locked door. My character, a Half-Ogre Warpriest, raised his Halberd and says, "I pick the lock!"


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Same group, another time, one of our characters was Swallowed Whole. He escaped the next round:

"I empty out the contents of my Bag of Holding!"

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

"Sorry, bro, I'm way too drunk to be holding hands right now."


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GM_Beernorg wrote:
Dance-of bro!

Brodown!


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
quibblemuch wrote:

VILLAIN: "Fools! This only ends one way."

BARD: "Please say dance-off, please say dance-off, please say dance-off..."
I debeveraged.

Success!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

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"I grew a tumor on my ass for this?!"

- The alchemist after rolling a natural 1 on initiative despite having Improved Initiative, Reactionary, and a tumor familiar that gives a bonus on inititive.


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If I had any coffee in my cup ATM it would be all over the monitor Cyrad...LOL...that is PRICELESS!


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Background: Rescue & escort mission. NPC in question is very annoying. The GM is committed to this. After one too many insults...

BARBARIAN: Guys, new plan. It rhymes with "stab the stupid noble until he stops breathing and dump his body in the river then tell his mother that bandits got him."
GM: Dude! He's right there! He can totally hear you!
BARBARIAN (totally deadpan): I stand by my original statement.

For some reason this struck us all as hilarious. It later became the barbarian's go-to post-kill quip.


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BARBARIAN shows excellent foresight by having an excuse ready...no on the spot stammering for that gent.

I approve.


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Another one from the barbarian:

GM (as foreboding NPC): There are dark mysteries at work, beyond your capacity to understand...
BARBARIAN: Ah. Like where the poo goes in the wizard's swirling privy.

Scarab Sages

The GM and a player are discussing a ruling. The player in question is also a GM of another campaign, and is known as the "Evil GM" of our gaming group.

GM: "I'll allow it."
Player: "You're not allowed to do that for evil. Only I am."

Not a one-liner, but made us laugh anyway: the "Evil GM's" character has been attacked by a penanngalen. It is attempting to force its entrails down the PC's throat. Our games take place at this player's home. He has a collection of rubber tentacles on the table. He picks one up and puts it in his mouth, continuing to play with the tentacle in his mouth (and talk around it) until the penanngalen is finally forced to release his PC.

Scarab Sages

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Oops, hit Submit Post too soon.

The player whose PC is grappled by the penanngalen tries to speak to it despite having part of its anatomy down his throat.
GM: "It [the penanngalen] has dentist language skill, so it understands you."

Later, as the penanngalen flees by floating upward, the brawler tries to leap up at it and punch it but fails.
GM: "If you'd hit she [the penanngalen] could have grabbed you for snacks later. You'd be a human Capri Sun."
Other Player: "She brings her own straw."


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BARBARIAN: "May eagles carry off your goats!"
PEASANT NPC: "I don't have any goats."
BARBARIAN: "THE CURSE WORKED!"

Silver Crusade

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After an undead spellcaster failed the check to cast cloudkill defensively : "Lich, please!"

Sovereign Court

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This will require some set up. and it's technically 2 lines

DM: Me

3.5 Forgotten Realms Home campaign (CSI Waterdeep)

PC's were on a remote island miles south of Chult, trying to track down a lost group of wild dwarves. The PC's stumble into the lair of an awakened evil T-Rex Wizard. They know he was a wizard by his conical hat and a wand in his tiny hand.
They decide to talk to the T-rex, which I hadn't planned for. So I had the T-rex go into this spiel about how island life had become boring. And in reflection he realizes that boredom and anger over being trapped had affected his mental health and led to him doing some evil things. What he really wanted was to pursue his dream of getting off the island and get an apprenticeship under a wizard in Waterdeep.

So this exchange ensues:

Fighter: Can he fit on our boat, even, he's got to be many tons.

Cleric: can we shrink him maybe?

Sorceror: I don't know if we'll even have enough food.

Cleric: I can create water, but I don't know if I can create enough food.

Bard: We'll maybe he can swim behind the boat and hunt whales or something.

Barbarian: Are they going to allow him in Waterdeep?

Then the rogue (who later on, actively betrays the party and assists in the destruction of the Dragon mythal, and helping to build a planar gate that brought invading armies of dragon-like aliens, in exchange for gold.) says:

"I can't believe I have to be the moral compass for this party. NO, WE WILL NOT take an evil T-Rex Wizard back to Waterdeep."

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Me: "Okay, I got over 30 on my Knowledge (Engineering) check here, so on a disaster scale we can understand how big a twinkie are we talking here? Are we talking a regular sized twinkie, or a 35 foot-long twinkie weighing approximately 600 pounds?"

Silver Crusade

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DM_aka_Dudemeister wrote:
Me: "Okay, I got over 30 on my Knowledge (Engineering) check here, so on a disaster scale we can understand how big a twinkie are we talking here? Are we talking a regular sized twinkie, or a 35 foot-long twinkie weighing approximately 600 pounds?"

"Tell him about the twinkie". :)


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"It's like the Spartans used to say: 'You're on your own, chief.'"


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"Guys, guys, guys. Stop freaking out. I've crunched the numbers and we're looking at, like, only a 98% chance of failure. Tops."

I'm proudest of this line because it, in-character, most represents my attitude and approach towards life, career, whatnot.


That's weird, since most things that go on have success and failure chances in increments of 5%.

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