Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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Scarab Sages

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There really is equipment for everything in Pathfinder.


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*cracks neck*

"I'm the best there is at what I do. Unfortunately, what I do is Diplomacy, so we're screwed."


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GM: "You hear an eldritch, reptilian cry. In the distance, but closing fast, you see gouts of flame. The dragon is upon you."
DWARF: "I'll be back in a bit."
OTHER PCS: "WHAT?!"
DWARF: "Don't worry. I know how to handle this. We just need 11 of my relatives and a middle-aged hobbit."


XD he forgot an archer.


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Klorox wrote:
XD he forgot an archer.

Well, he is a dwarf. They tend to hog the credit in situations like that...


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In that world...the true heroes are a moth, giant eagles, and one hobbit gardener/cook...so that makes perfect sense!


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He is forgetting a dwarf, unless there were two dwarves in the group already.

Then again, I'd want to forget Bombur* too.

*You know, having listened to the audiobook countless times, I only now realized I don't know the spellings of the names. :)


Context: CotCT, first session, just barged into a building for story reasons and had animal companions rip apart a dude.

Magus, having just remembered that the person they were after uses child slaves: Wait... Are we going to have to kill children?!


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Tone of voice really makes a difference on that one White Hilt!


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**Upon the GM introducing an NPC named Liston Tenngle, pronounced Less-ton Ten-gil.**

My Friend: "What do you get if you kill him? Less than ten gil!"

My friend then literally laughed so hard that he fell out of his chair. The line itself wasn't that funny, but my friend's reaction, and the look of repressed fury on the GM's face, causes the rest of us to crack up as well. The next ten minutes of the session were literally nothing but uncontrollable laughter by everyone except for the very, very annoyed GM. This was not helped by my friend adding a few more comments like:

"He has a brother - Morden Ten Gil! More Den!"

The game never recovered - particularly since Liston was supposed to be a main NPC whose allegiances were in question and who was to be taken very seriously. Instead, whenever he showed up, everyone started giggling.


A few weeks ago at our gaming session...my damphir was ready to die... " im going to be dead in another round or two" i said. Another player said "well your already dead...so if you were dead and then dead, wouldn't that make you alive?" I busted out laughing...and asked out GM that if i DID die...i wanted the other player to get 100 extra XP for him alone for that one.


quibblemuch wrote:

MONK: I'm going to start wearing daisy dukes!

GM: Then I'm banning high kicks.
MONK: YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR TEABAG STYLE!

Well this got worse... someone discovered strong jaw...


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I posted this earlier in another thread, but someone suggested I post it here, as well.

The best debeverage (debeverage being the explosive release of a just taken drink of any liquid) I ever saw was many years ago with my friend Zeke. We were playing Torg, I believe, and someone said something funny and Zeke was doing his best to to hold in the mouthful of Dr. Pepper he'd just taken. I leaned over and whispered, "If you love me you'll swallow". That's all it took and he debeveraged in the most epic fashion I had ever seen before or since.


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:

I posted this earlier in another thread, but someone suggested I post it here, as well.

The best debeverage (debeverage being the explosive release of a just taken drink of any liquid) I ever saw was many years ago with my friend Zeke. We were playing Torg, I believe, and someone said something funny and Zeke was doing his best to to hold in the mouthful of Dr. Pepper he'd just taken. I leaned over and whispered, "If you love me you'll swallow". That's all it took and he debeveraged in the most epic fashion I had ever seen before or since.

That's damned funny,

DMCal. *grins*


::bows:: Thank you!

Sczarni

In our Traveller game, the GM decided to hand out special perks to some. He gave our slum-lord doctor a healing hand and he's this big Russian fellow. Naturally, one female npc was injured in a shoot out, so he went to heal her and I butt in with, "Nice chest injured. Touch boob?" Always have to be polite about your healing hands after all.

Scarab Sages

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Today, during Pathfinder:
Our shaman has a monkey as his spirit animal. It sometimes smokes a pipe. It also likes to pilfer things.
Shaman: "My monkey is probably smoking his pipe and looking up at the stars."
GM: "People walk by and say, 'Hey, that monkey is smoking a pipe!'"
Shaman: "Some people say, 'That pipe is nicer than mine.' Except for one guy - 'Hey, that's my pipe!'"


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:

I posted this earlier in another thread, but someone suggested I post it here, as well.

The best debeverage (debeverage being the explosive release of a just taken drink of any liquid) I ever saw was many years ago with my friend Zeke. We were playing Torg, I believe, and someone said something funny and Zeke was doing his best to to hold in the mouthful of Dr. Pepper he'd just taken. I leaned over and whispered, "If you love me you'll swallow". That's all it took and he debeveraged in the most epic fashion I had ever seen before or since.

XD :clap:

Scarab Sages

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This technically didn't manage to make the whole table laugh, I don't think, but it was a memorable bon mot nonetheless:

Before my Witch upgraded to a Faerie Dragon, his familiar was a scorpion. Bear in mind that scorpion familiars, like most familiars, are Tiny, which technically means roughly the size of a cat. Point is, one time I used him to deliver my Healing Hex to an injured comrade, so the DM addressed that player and simply explained what was happening:

"Suddenly, a black scorpion the size of a cat brushes against your leg...and somehow, you feel better."


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Hey, never look a gift healing scorpion in the mouth...cause if you do, likely, you will get freaked out!


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Less of a one liner and more of a rant. We were in the sewers being pursued by Judicators (Inquisitor versions of Judge Dredd) and the DM mentioned gators on the random monster table. SO I go into my best Louisiana accent to rant about "dem gators." This transitioned into a conspiracy theorist Louisiana accent about were-aligator Judicators. Judigators.

Silver Crusade

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GM_Beernorg wrote:
Hey, never look a gift healing scorpion in the mouth...cause if you do, likely, you will get freaked out!

This sounds like a good time to bring up my buff/heal focused witch with a rabbit familiar and the Scar hex. This is for PFS, so I play with different people every time. I always ask to let the rabbit bite everyone at the start of the session, to leave a small mark on them that connects us magically (and lets me use the Fortune and Healing hexes on them from up to a mile away).

It's always a fun role play moment, especially if someone brings a superstitious barbarian that's afraid to be bitten by the "cute widdle bunny wabbit".

Scarab Sages

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It's got nasty, big, pointy teeth!


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"Behind the rabbit? No it IS the rabbit you moron!"

"Perhaps if we run away more..."


"Bringeth forth the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch."


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While discussing my Evangelist's Blade of Three Fancies:

"It's a Shelyn thing. You go to war with colored ribbon."

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

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And what's with all the carrots??? What do bunnies need such good eyesight for anyways???? Bunnies! Bunnies!! It must be bunnies!!!


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I'll never tell.


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Those aren't carrots. They're sticks of TNT painted to look like carrots. A sure sign that Bugs Bunny has been through here. :)

Silver Crusade

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Wow. I mention a rabbit, and we get quotes from Monty Python, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and references to Loony Toons.

I probably shouldn't talk about any of my other PCs with familiars.


You're welcome.

Dark Archive

My cat is called Azrael.

Silver Crusade

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Seleena Duskmantle wrote:
My cat is called Azrael.

Gargamel? Is that you?

The Exchange

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Seleena Duskmantle wrote:
My cat is called Azrael.

Mine is named Calvin...


I have a Panther called Quick somewhere


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Quick the panther ate Slow the goblin?


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No,Quick is smart enough to not eat rancid meat


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We had a couple last week, all dealing with a 'Hand of Stone'...

Dwarf: What is that... /eyes mummified dwarf hand

Elf arcanist: That is a magical item... if you wear it you can gain tremorsense for 30'

Dwarf: That... That's RACIST!! Dwarves can't even DO that!!

Which was followed up next rest when he's woken up by a snake man PC asking if he felt a disturbance in the cave...

"I told ya... that's racist, I can't do that.... Ask the elf. He has the hand!"

/Wakes up the Elf

"Did the earth move for you too??"


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"He's going to be dazzled for 1d4 rounds." *rolls 4* "Yes! Max dazzle!"
"Interesting coincidence: Max Dazzle was my male stripper name."

Scarab Sages

The shaman wakes up one morning to find that someone or something has shortened his trousers during the night. We are expecting to be fighting some tieflings that day.
Shaman: "Oh well, I'll be ankle deep in tieflings soon."
Wizard: "They're high warrior pants."
GM: "More like high "What are you doing?!" pants."

The warpriest is talking to a paladin who has lost his faith.
Warpriest: "I remind him of the parable of Iomedae and the really tough weekend."


The party was about to get into a fight with a band of orcs and a worg.

Dwarf cleric of Gorum, drawing his sword: "Kneel before the god of war and madness!!" (coincidentally his domains)

Human wizard (me): "You'd be mad not to."

Game stops, GM looks over at me and immediately canonizes the phrase. Good times were had.


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At the very beginning of the Mummy's Mask, they were asked to send a representative to the table to collect the location of the site they were visiting. Our snake shaman druid, Edmund Blackadder looks at our archaeologist bard, Ohio Jones and grins.

"We send Monty"

I facepalm. Monty is Edmund's pet python.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

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Goddity wrote:

At the very beginning of the Mummy's Mask, they were asked to send a representative to the table to collect the location of the site they were visiting. Our snake shaman druid, Edmund Blackadder looks at our archaeologist bard, Ohio Jones and grins.

"We send Monty"

I facepalm. Monty is Edmund's pet python.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes.


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*Was feeling in a Shakespearean mood*

"That fellow yon, the right idea hath.
Mark how he wears the brownest pantaloons."

Silver Crusade

Situation:
The baroness gave the PCs the job to investigate a dungeon. They go inside, find a dead wizard and come back out. By that point it's night so they are unsure whether they should wake the baroness and how they should do it...

Player 1: "We could just knock at her door and ask her to come out?"
Player 2: "What are we supposed to do? Throw the body at her feet and say 'Here, we found this'?!"
Player 1: "Why not? We're like cats, really."

===

Player 1: "We need to find out what he was doing there. We should go into the wizard's house..."
Player 2: "...and we might find the wizard's mouse?"
Rest of the group: ????
Player 2: "I dunno, it rhymed."

===

Player 1: "I really need to find out if that ghoul bite infected me. How can I find out?"
Player 2: "Maybe we should go to the temple?"
GM: "You cannot really tell if you have been infected. How should they be able to tell?"
Player 2: "I don't know! Maybe they take a blood sample!"
Player 3: "That won't help. They have to send it off to the lab and that takes at least 14 days."
GM: "THAT'S your reason against his suggestion?!"

(NOTE: I am aware there is the possibility of using a spell to determine this. I rarely use spells from outside the CRB/APG though.)

Silver Crusade

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Actually, it's normally just a heal skill check to determine if someone has a disease like ghoul fever.


Heal. Using Heal to diagnose a disease should be the same DC as treating it. Unless I'm mistaken.

Silver Crusade

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I don't want to derail this thread, so I will just state my ruling (which my group accepted):
Even though the Heal skill does not explicitly say it can be used to diagnose a disease, I fully agree that it should be able to be used in this manner.
I do not think, however, that you are able to immediatly diagnose if the character is indeed infected. The onset is there for a reason. Taking a real-world example: If I contract the flu I will not notice immediatly but only when the symptoms (=Ability Damage) sets in, maybe a bit sooner.
So the wizard got bitten in the evening. The next afternoon he might start to sweat slightly, maybe he'll get one or two pustules - THAT will be the moment where the Heal check turns from "I dunno, you got bitten, so you might have it" to "Yeaaaah you are infected, dude."

I can see why other people would treat it differently and will not proclaim my ruling is the only possible one. I like the "Oh crap, I might be infected - only way to know for sure is to wait or cast a spell!" factor it brings into the game.

For the interested: He worked under the assumption that he indeed is infected and took precautions (gotten treated by a Healer + drank antiplague).


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*half the party drops in a round*

"I'm out of here."
"Hey, hey! We swore we'd never leave a man behind!"
"Yeah. A man. One. Nobody said anything about not leaving three men behind."

*****

A little later...

"It says: '...and perhaps some group of brave men and women will find my notes and carry on my investigation into these misdeeds."
"You know what we have to do."
"Find a group of brave men and women?"
"Exactly."

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