Shady Contact's page

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

Cancellation of your research grant and a meeting with the ethics committee.

Can you believe they're trying this again? Me neither!

This is why I don't want to be my own boss.

You said you wanna be your own boss? I know a guy.

BDG spookumz vid warning

Then I’m like, “BOMP~! Here’s this thread!” I said, like, “BOMP, here’s this thread~!” I-

Oh. Uh, yeah. See, I know a guy.

Yeah! I don't know what you were thinking, ya sicko!

look, I'm tellin' ya, this is a golden opportunity to make the grab - yeah, it's just a buncha disgusted scientists, and they removed the funding, so it's not like there's gonna be a lotta security; mm; mhm; right; I see...

Mr. 7, I do happen to have an entirely unrelated proposition for you, however. See, I know a guy...

2 weeks. Got mine on Oct 2, per the text I sent Freehold on that day, taunting him.

Oh! So that's what this black licorice is doing here!

*snickers* heheh, I told him we already got one, heheh *snickers*

Anyone need an ark welder? Because I Noah guy.

Hey! That's my bit!

Shady Contact wrote:

You may got a fishy face (ya want help with that? I know a guy...) but relax, Bitter Cheeks. Y'aint the fishy fella I look ta hook...

Hey! My name is easy to pronounce. It's all phonetic like.

“Chawn Khoche” - sounds fishy... hey, you wanna muscle in on some prime bridge territory? I know a guy...

You may got a fishy face (ya want help with that? I know a guy...) but relax, Bitter Cheeks. Y'aint the fishy fella I look ta hook...

Hey, anybody seen a mob boss with an unpronounceable name?

I got a scam I wanna run (on him)...

I know a guy...

Sigh. This always happens. Time to slink outta town, I guess. Good thing I know a guy...

>.>

I see nothing wrong with this.

I know a guy.

Is it raining a whole bunch, and you need a boat? I Noah guy.

I feel like this may be invading my turf for some reason. Hm....

Asking for...a friend.

A guy with... friends.

I can... get behind that.

I, too, know a guy.

What are some instances of the lowest levels you can create undead at?

I know as a cleric with the Undead Lord archetype, you can create a corpse companion at first level, but if one wanted to raise a troop of zombies or skeletons to attack an isolated village, what level/circumstances would be necessary to put those plans into motion?

Now, first off, ta be clear, I'm not - and I repeat not - suggesting you... break any laws, ya hear me?

That said... hypothetically... for your... friend... by blatantly ignoring the WBL/TPE guidelines, you could grab a wand of animate dead for 11,250+(50 x onyx cost) gold and hypothetically have up to fifty undead at first level (presupposing you knew the command word), though only 20HD - that's less than ten - of the creatures could be automatically controlled by the wand.

Hypothetically, there's command undead, but that requires either another wand (at 4.5k more gold) or even more expensive item.

'Course, if ya- er... friend, your friend, yes - happened to be a wizard or sorcerer or the like and find someone else's undead all nice an' animated already for ya him-or-her, there shouldn't be anything stopping you said friend from gettin' that wand o' command undead (or casting it yourself themselves, if they have it), ya dig?

EDITExtra: oh, an' as a free bonus - no charge, it's just 'extra' - there's slightly less than optimal items with minor drawbacks that can make things less expensive. Minor things like makin' it 20 degrees cooler nearby, or makin' his hair grow faster, or forcin' a guy to know as much knowledge (arcana) or (undead religion) as he possibly can, or makin' him eat twice as much, sleep twice as much, rename himself "Susan" an' spontaneously turn into a young curly blonde haired girl child with wide innocent eyes, or involuntary alignment changes, or becoming obsessive or paranoid about said item, or needin' to be a spellcaster (or non-spellcaster), or whatnot... you know... minor things...

Now, of course... this is all strictly hypothetical. We're all just... helping friends, here. And if that's what you want to do... help a friend... then - strictly hypothetically, of course... I know a guy...

The Shifty Mongoose wrote:

Plus, goodness is naturally held up to high standards.

And there's the kicker, for me, right there. If a good guy does some evil stuff, even if he's doing it 'for the greater good' or whatever, he can still fall. If an evil guy saves a bunch of children, or whatever, just because he gets a wild urge to do so, he isn't likely to be kicked off Team Evil. Evil's got lower standards, and it's so much harder to 'fall' from 'doing whatever the hell I want to anyway.' (Which makes evil PCs in most APs super easy, since evil people are backstabbing each other all the time anyway, so if the AP is all about Rovagug worshipping gnolls and stuff, then a team of Aspis Consortium competitors, or Hellknights, or Pactmaster-hired mercenaries could fit in as easily as a team of LG Rovagug haters.)

The mechanics are actually on Team Evil's side. The longer a person lives, the more likely they are to lose whatever innocent state of grace they started with, and do morally questionable things, and get dirtied up by the world and life's vicissitudes. It's totally a win for Team Evil if a demon saves a bunch of children, because, as children, they were more likely to go to the Upper Planes than they will be as adults. The fiend has just given the world that many more chances to corrupt and jade them into the sorts of souls that will go to a more southerly plane.

"You just saved those mortal children from burning up! That's a good act!"

"You are thinking like a mortal. I've just given them many more years to figure out that the world isn't fair, and that if they want anything in this life, they are going to have to *take* it. And if they make it to old age, and feel their memories slipping and their bones creaking, and grow so desperate to avoid the inevitable that they are willing to make a deal? I know a guy..."

Hey, now. Best not be hornin' in on another's business, yeah? Yeah.

So now I shall be asking - politely - that you refrain from overstepping your bounds, and must further ask that you leave all such brokerages to me.

If not? Well... I know a guy...

TOZ wrote:

Kileanna wrote:

They died by the guts of an undead woman in a red dress. It wasn't a fancy death.

Ugh, those things are disgusting.

Why don't you like red dresses?

The "thing", by the way, was a gutdragger lurcher. Really disgusting, indead. They attack with their own eviscerated entrails, trying to choke you with them and with their content. Yucks.

My players did well on all thethe mmodule but they wanted to experience some really threatening stuff and check if the module was really a killer. It is. The ability damage is high at all moments so they end getting to the last fights seriously debilitated.

My youngest player really loved her character so now I am thinking of a way to bring him back from the dead in a believable way so she doesn't lose it.

Ssshhhhhaaaaaadooooowwwwwww~... dancer.

I'm sure that's what Inwas going to say. Yes.

My story definitly Cyric's out. I know a guy.

Also, the clouds don't look happy, but the dog has led me far afield.

I blame Tacticslion for letting my phone distract me.

Sounds legit.

Need revenge? I know q guy....

Just sitting here, listening to twinkle-twinkle little star, hand clamped over a child's mouth so as to avoid others hearing him cry out as I restrain him against his will and remove him from his mother...

Uh, I mean, wait-!

I'll be sure to let them know~!

(The weird things I do for this job.)

Most destructive Treerazor,

I hear you want to gain power and destroy your father and the elves.

Well, see, I know a guy. He happens to be looking for a demon to enbiggen, to help destroy elves and take out your pa, you know? See where I'm going with this?

But here's the deal: to make the formula just right, he kinda needs to know more about the circumstances of your "start" as it were, ya dig?

We heard of your Pop... but how? Did you just, I'unno, "Pop" into existence from him? Did he imprison and torture you to turn you into the fine specimen of utter waste and destruction you are today (well, obviously not, you did that part, but, you know what I mean)? Or was there some unholy concoction of abyssal and elven juices that your ol' pater-jerk-face spit in (or whatever) to get you started (even if it was on accident - though, in truth, they say you're too impressive not to exist, so it could just be incidental that the jerk happens to be vaguely related to you). Or did you just use it to get more power and really are unrelated? What did you use (and prob'ly rip apart) to start yourself on your epic journey toward the impressive destructive entity you are today?

Also, were it possible, would you appreciate someone interested in strengthening your Blackaxe, only to be immediately devoured by you? I know another guy...

... if so, how was it crafted, if you know...?

These guys both wanna mention they're faithfully yours 'til you devour them and everything else.

I’ve rescued a princess from a tower

Climbed a mountain to find a healing flower.

"Flynn Ryyyyddeeeeerrrrrr~!"

Or what if a paladin a burns an orphanage to the ground - or otherwise destroys it utterly, as it's taken special action to defend itself against errant adventurers and the like - and slaughters everything that was living inside and salts the earth behind him?!

To be fair, it was a "demon orphanage" created by demons for demons whose parents had been smote by (probably now-fallen) paladins, filled with orphan demons that were created by fiends mating with each other to produce full-fledged sentient demons at slightly reduced strength (-1 CR until they "grow up"). It was basically there to make sure the demons all gained their full strength and then the advanced template, and hated good and law even more than normal demons. And the salt was holy undead bane salt meant to ensure that the demons didn't rise as undead thereafter.

Heh. I knew a guy...

I wonder how the Key held by Asmodeus factors into this notion, if at all.

It doesn't. Pay no attention to the key behind the curtain of darkness.

But you wanna key? I know a guy...

captain yesterday wrote:

I'm off on a three mile round trip walk to the store for coffee and toilet paper. The staples of every American morning.

It's super nice out and everything has that spring glow.

Hey, hey buddy... yeah, you... looking for some dandelions? C'mon man, first snort is free...

Yeah... I know a guy...

That gives me chills~!

Sir, we're going to have to ask you to please stop.

Yes, officer, absolutely, officer, we understand, sir.

But, hey, I know how these things go, and, uh, you seem to be a discriminatin' officer o' th' law.

Perhaps we could all be... friends here. Help each other out. Fulfill each other's needs... you know?

I know a guy...

Have you considered that weird guy talkin' 'bout Pepe Lepew ideas stinkin'? Or maybe a certain registration system? Could go a long way for your career bustin' some o' those... you know?

* nudge-nudge, wink-wink *

EDIT: We could help ya out, if ya jus' look th' other' way...

Which tactic would be most useful for morphing the exchange into something about a succubus in a grapple?

That's be either red herring or an *erhem* "emotional" appeal. But this is starting to move to verbal duels now, also not the topic. Whoops! :o

Chemlak; Mark. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrk. Baby.

I got connections. I can get you what you need, guys.

I know a guy.

The Forgotten Whisper

What Super Villain are you?

My... uh... my client, yeah... yeah, he, uh, he denies having publicly admitted to anything whatsoever. Or whatever. Yeah.

I hear-tell you're lookin' for somethin' with the power to make your games... shine. Let me tell ya: I've got exactly what you need. It's ain't easy ta get, no, but I know a guy. I c'n tell you my secret, 'cause I c'n guarantee you ain't findin' it elsewhere: it's called Session Zero.

(Sign up now, for only $9.99 per month.)

I just don't eat okra. Or liver.

Those who do so willingly are not to be trusted.

I thought we were friends!

... I know a guy.

Or what 137ben said. Yeah, let's go with that. Shove all responsibility on someone else! Free! I'm tellin' ya, I know a guy...

Than yes we are talking about the same elves.

The Ulfen had it right.

Purge the disease.

"Burn the heretic. Kill the mutant. Purge the unclean."

"Fear the alien."

"Suffer Not The Alien to Live."

I know a guy... do you?

Oh crap, the fuzz is here!

** spoiler omitted **

Cheese it!

I know a guy...

Behold Captain Yesterday! napping with his beagle, Peaches:-) after working 42 of 48 hours shoveling snow:-)

literally the first picture of myself posted online, so don't spread it around:-p not that i think you guys would:-p

*proceeds to spread it around online everywhere, especially those Korean sites...*

No Malware at all, you say? Hm... I know a guy... I might hav'ta get him ta move on this...

Eleven minutes and fifteen seconds, precisely.

(But could you, uh, maybe set your watch five minutes early, or somethin'? I got places to be, see. I know a guy...)

So did I...

What?! I told you that I know a guy...

I know a guy who can get tickets...

Wait, he needs a job, now? I know a guy...

111. Give them to a succubus to grapple.

*cough*

*quietly slinks away*

Creepy, amirite? But, look, I know a guy...

@ Gorbacz - you forgot the harem of deity simulacrums. =P

I hear someone say they needed a harem of deity simulacra? I know a guy...

... I hear someone say they want beans?

... I know a guy. I could hook you up.

Psst. Module adaptation.

Cheeze it! The Fuzz is onto us!

*sighs and hands over geek card*

... Huh. That's weird. I have a sudden urge to slam down cheap awful beer and go to football matches. Oh well.

Psst. Hey, psst. Tinkergoth. Y'need a... geek card? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got one. I got aaaaaaaaall the geek cards you need.

"Why would I have- ?"

Ah. I see. Yeah, yeah, no, I get it, yeah, 's a fair question. Fair question. Now, see, there's this guy - a guy I know, right? -, named Ninja-Assassin; and he knows this other guy, whats's'name, uh, "Taktiksleon". Yeah, this "Taktiksleon" guy, well, I hear he's got a... well, he's got a problem, see? Keeps "losin'" his cards 'round the geek police. It's unfortunate, but, you know, recurring problem. And a guy needs to keep his cred up, right? Right so-

- Hey! I got nuthin' ta do with it! -

Anyway, so since there's a need, enterprisin' folk, such as myself, well... we're just here to provide for a need, right? That's all. A need. Yeah, it's a service, really. S'why the first one is free.

So, I got this covered for you if you-

Hmmm. Okay, that's bad. We can't have that.

*hands it back*

I'll let you have it back. This once, mind you.

Hm. Well, I see you are no longer in need of my particular services in this regard. Very well, but keep me in mind... for the next time. For there is always a next time.

* slinks off into the shadows *