Was I guilty of being a bad guest?


Gamer Life General Discussion

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pres man wrote:

@Jess: Sounds like you almost walked in on a "private" session based on the described reaction.

Kansas here. During the weekly game time, I fully expect my players to just walk in. A knock before is fine, but I don't want them to ring the doorbell for a couple of reasons. (1)If my wife is taking a nap, it will wake her up. (2)For years we rented and folks from the landlord would ring, knock, and then enter; so our cat associates doorbells with strangers invading the home and runs and hides. We don't like to stress the cat out unnecessarily. But I would never cuss someone out for just walking in during game time or ring the doorbell. I would probably do the following:
Session 1: "You don't need to ring the door bell, just come on in if the door is unlocked."
Session 2: "I left the door unlocked, just come on in. We don't like people ringing the bell."
Session 3: "Please stop ringing the bell."
Session 4: Meets gamer at the door before they can ring the bell, "Nice to see you, come on in."
Session 5: "Really, stop ringing the bell it bothers the family, ok. Thanks."

After that point, I don't know what I'd do as it has never reached past step 3.

On the other hand, during last Christmas season we got a bell that goes on the door knob (ring goes over the door knob and the bell hangs down from it). We discovered we liked it so much that we would know when someone went through that door that we have left it on permanently.

A friend of mine growing up, his mom had a lil in-house daycare for their extended family going on. One big rule- DO NOT TOUCH the doorbell. lol

you wake it up, you get to put it back to sleep.
They solved the issue largely by taping a "do not press" cardboard thingie over the doorbell, after liberally wrapping it in scotch tape to keep it from getting washed out from rain.

Worked wonders. :)

-S


Brian E. Harris wrote:


Regular guests have been given permission to knock/announce/enter without waiting for someone to come to the door, it's not a big deal. Several friends I visit operate the same way.

Here in michigan,we have the phrase.. "Only vampires wait for an invitation... I hear knocking, I grab a stake!"

Most of the time (IF I'M EXPECTED....) It's a knock and open as I go in... if it's a party or something, they know I'm coming, and no need to get up every 5 minutes to open the door again...

Frankly there are a FEW houses... that have little kids running around and what not, that I always knock and wait till the 'Come in' from the distance.. but that's just my own preference :)


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CapeCodRPGer wrote:


I have Aspergers and I agree 100%. You can't use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

I have offended people because of my lack of social skills. But I always apologize and I make sure to never do what I did to offend again, to anyone.

I have told the people I am close with about my AS, so they can understand my quirky behavior. But I don't use it as a get out of jail free card. Its so they understand how I see things. Once they knew about my AS, most would talk more time to explain social behavior, ect..

I'm alot better now at social stuff then I was. Its all learned, and I'll never stop learning.

Sorry for the hijack.

I've been bringing up my AS as an excuse more and more often lately, but I don't mean for it to be a shield. People often wonder about why I avoid eye contact, and why I'll go on huge rambles without meaning to (seriously, I've gone on rambles about my tendency to ramble, that's how bad it can get). I keep finding myself saying, "Well, I have Aspergers--though I don't usually bring that up--and I tend to..."

Bad habit, but I think there's something to be said for explaining certain quirks. Doesn't mean they're okay, but if you have a legitimate reason for a problem, and people are questioning you about said problem, I don't think it's wrong to bring up the reason.

I love how threadjacked this place has become, incidentally. Since we're discussing Aspergers at the moment, it's a bit ironic. :33


Interesting thoughts about walking into houses without a knock. I live in Southern California, and the host of our games keeps the door unlocked and pretty much expects us to walk in. It's taken me about a year to start doing so, and I'm still uncomfortable about it. It just feels like an intrusion to me.


On our scheduled game day, the door is unlocked and everyone is expected to walk right in. (Though with that said, the door is unlocked much of the time anyways...)

But then, everyone's friends of 20+ years, so I'd consider it creepy-weird if they didn't walk right in, and just rang the doorbell and stood at the door waiting...


On the topic of Aspergers, does it translate to written communication? If people weren't straight out saying "I have Aspergers" on this forum, I'd never know.


It sometimes does and sometimes doesn't. There are certain common traits--like refusing to drop a matter of principle, no matter how minor--which are fairly apparent online. One guy called me out as Aspergers after I finished an argument with a 'frenemy' of mine.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:
CapeCodRPGer wrote:


I have Aspergers and I agree 100%. You can't use it as an excuse for bad behavior.

I have offended people because of my lack of social skills. But I always apologize and I make sure to never do what I did to offend again, to anyone.

I have told the people I am close with about my AS, so they can understand my quirky behavior. But I don't use it as a get out of jail free card. Its so they understand how I see things. Once they knew about my AS, most would talk more time to explain social behavior, ect..

I'm alot better now at social stuff then I was. Its all learned, and I'll never stop learning.

Sorry for the hijack.

I've been bringing up my AS as an excuse more and more often lately, but I don't mean for it to be a shield. People often wonder about why I avoid eye contact, and why I'll go on huge rambles without meaning to (seriously, I've gone on rambles about my tendency to ramble, that's how bad it can get). I keep finding myself saying, "Well, I have Aspergers--though I don't usually bring that up--and I tend to..."

Bad habit, but I think there's something to be said for explaining certain quirks. Doesn't mean they're okay, but if you have a legitimate reason for a problem, and people are questioning you about said problem, I don't think it's wrong to bring up the reason.

I love how threadjacked this place has become, incidentally. Since we're discussing Aspergers at the moment, it's a bit ironic. :33

IMO:

excuse is.. dog ate my homework, I forgot, or other "niceties" that really mean "I didn't pay attention to what you said/don't care what you think" type things.

Saying you have Aspergers and it causes XYZ is a reason- not an excuse.
It'd be like if someone had a rule saying "no shoes" and a guy comes in with a prosthetic leg and said "its not a shoe, its a built-on foot. i can't remove it'. Its not an excuse- its a perfectly valid reason for what you are doing.

I hope you wouldn't find anyone who just thought you were blowing smoke up their posterior by using it an an "excuse" when its really a valid reason.. and something you aren't entirely in control of. (if at all. I know next to nothing about Aspergers, much less the self-controllability of it).

-S

Liberty's Edge

Mystically Inclined wrote:
On the topic of Aspergers, does it translate to written communication? If people weren't straight out saying "I have Aspergers" on this forum, I'd never know.

Not sure, I have offended people in some of my internet posts without meaning too. I have alao taken what people say on fourms as serious when they are not. But I would think it would be easier because they see the words.


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I was wondering why this thread died when we reference it so often.

Then I remembered.

It got really boring.

Grand Lodge

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Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
Kobold Cleaver wrote:

I was wondering why this thread died when we reference it so often.

Then I remembered.

It got really boring.

Yeah, but for a few days, it was a really awesome thread. Especially the thing in the OP about drinking the milk even though they asked him not to. What a freak show. Lol.

-Skeld


I also have AS, and fortunately my new group has not brought up any thing wrong to give me the need to bring it up. I announce that I have it when I DM just so the players know what could happen and that nervousness isn't a dislike of them. I learned most of my social behaviors from TV and movies growing up and I think it has been fine...only had to explain it to about 12 people and most of them are due to being a DM. In my new group I bring snacks and offer them every time. They haven't said yes once because I like much sweeter things than they do and I ask if there is anything I should bring next time at the end of every session but nothing has bee said. I am guilty of cussing but it has only been twice that his daughter has heard it...at least that I am aware. I have only recently started playing with this group so on my end there is still a lot of awkwardness in the pre - game conversation but I am trying to get past it. Sorry for the derail but seeing that other AS post here was refreshing


Sooo, KC, are we good to resume the drinking milk meme now? =)

Liberty's Edge

CommandoDude wrote:


1. Forgot to pay my share for Pizza.

While I would have offered to pay without being asked. If it bothered them so much why not ask. If it's one thign that bothers me it's when something bothers another person yet they don't say anything about it. Expecting a person to read their minds.

CommandoDude wrote:


2. I was not chipping in for snacks.

I can understand if everyone else was and you were not. But if no one else is chipping in for snacks. I don't see why you were singled out.

CommandoDude wrote:


3. Drinking the host's milk.

Well this I think is a mistake on your part. Even if it was ok at first. They did tell you not to drink the milk. Even if I find the new reason somewhat laughable. When I go buy juice if it's game week I tend to buy more than usual in case someone wants some. The milk as well.

CommandoDude wrote:


4. Problem with cursing.

I can understand if a person curses like a sailor. Or has a child in the house. But if all it takes to be offended is one or two curse words. All i can say is I'm not impressed with the "fake innocence". As a child being bothered by swear words I understand. Past 15 years old it's time to grow a pair and/or seek professional help imo. My gaming table either you get over that particular hangup or seek a new game elsewhere. As were not going to put up nor enable anyone who pretends to hide behind fake innocence.

To sum up. I don't think you should have been kicked out. But look at it this way. Now you know what to expect and do it differently at another game table.


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memorax wrote:
CommandoDude wrote:


1. Forgot to pay my share for Pizza.

While I would have offered to pay without being asked. If it bothered them so much why not ask. If it's one thign that bothers me it's when something bothers another person yet they don't say anything about it. Expecting a person to read their minds.

CommandoDude wrote:


2. I was not chipping in for snacks.

I can understand if everyone else was and you were not. But if no one else is chipping in for snacks. I don't see why you were singled out.

CommandoDude wrote:


3. Drinking the host's milk.

Well this I think is a mistake on your part. Even if it was ok at first. They did tell you not to drink the milk. Even if I find the new reason somewhat laughable. When I go buy juice if it's game week I tend to buy more than usual in case someone wants some. The milk as well.

CommandoDude wrote:


4. Problem with cursing.

I can understand if a person curses like a sailor. Or has a child in the house. But if all it takes to be offended is one or two curse words. All i can say is I'm not impressed with the "fake innocence". As a child being bothered by swear words I understand. Past 15 years old it's time to grow a pair and/or seek professional help imo. My gaming table either you get over that particular hangup or seek a new game elsewhere. As were not going to put up nor enable anyone who pretends to hide behind fake innocence.

To sum up. I don't think you should have been kicked out. But look at it this way. Now you know what to expect and do it differently at another game table.

This is why thread Necromacy is .... unnatural. BURN IT!


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber

...and I still don't hire people if they cuss during the job interview.


Good thing you do, that way you select for people who don't use swear words, instead of some other useless stuff you could have been selecting for. =)


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slips into thread
Drinks milk
Leaves thread


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*chases after FHDM with a pitchfork and a torch*


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FREEHOLD IS BANNED FROM MY THREAD


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Best paizo thread of all time.

Long live the thread necromancers.

Scarab Sages

For a truly epic thread, join two epic memes together, into one super-thread.

"Was it right that I was kicked out of the group, for eating the host's marzipan?
It's not my fault; I couldn't read the label, and wouldn't have known what it was, even if I had."

Liberty's Edge

Haladir wrote:
...and I still don't hire people if they cuss during the job interview.

Not even remotely the same thing imo. I would not hire someone who swears in a interview either. If the person interested in the job can't be professional it goes to someone who can. But being bothered by the occasional swear word. Or even just "damn I almost I died". Is trying to hide behind fake innocence as far as I'm concerned. If any swear word offends a person then they can't go to a sports event or any similar kind of event where emotions run high. Try telling someone "buddy language" at a sports event and see where that gets you.

As for Freehold it's obvious he is going to try and milk it for all it's worth ;)


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I hear he leaves the door open to let winter in as well.


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Snorter wrote:

For a truly epic thread, join two epic memes together, into one super-thread.

"Was it right that I was kicked out of the group, for eating the host's marzipan?
It's not my fault; I couldn't read the label, and wouldn't have known what it was, even if I had."

Can someone enlighten me in regards to the other meme?


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Thymus Vulgaris wrote:
Snorter wrote:

For a truly epic thread, join two epic memes together, into one super-thread.

"Was it right that I was kicked out of the group, for eating the host's marzipan?
It's not my fault; I couldn't read the label, and wouldn't have known what it was, even if I had."

Can someone enlighten me in regards to the other meme?

I'm interested to hear of this as well. I've just amused myself with rereading this thread, and I need more entertainment.

Shadow Lodge

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I think this thread is old enough now that the milk spoiled.

Liberty's Edge

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Usual Suspect wrote:
I think this thread is old enough now that the milk spoiled.

"I was kicked out of a group just for helping myself to some of their home-made, two year old, counter-aged cheese..."

:-P

Shadow Lodge

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The Shining Fool wrote:
Usual Suspect wrote:
I think this thread is old enough now that the milk spoiled.

"I was kicked out of a group just for helping myself to some of their home-made, two year old, counter-aged cheese..."

:-P

Gads!!! I've been out-snarked!!!


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Blah-blah, necromancy, silliness, off-topic-now, whatnot...

That said, I've been looking for a platform to preach from, so HERE IT COMES!

...

...

... the "Golden Rule" does not mean what you think it does.

Old version; Also.

This does not mean what you think it means.

This is not "I perform exacting behaviors so other people imitate them." so much as "I treat others with the same amount of empathy and respect as I wish to be treated." which comes with the corollary, that "I will be treated with the same amount of empathy and respect that I give to others."

It's something that a looooooooooot of people presume to the former - there is now and never really has been a reason to interpret it that way, except as a social-normative-reinforcement device (which, while not inherently a bad thing - it can be, but is not inherently so - can be distinctly unpleasant, and lead to dissonance when local social norms conflict with other social norms) or is only the most basic and tacit of courtesies, as it tells folk how you wish to be treated, at which point "being not a jerk" dictates that you treat them how they signal that they want to be treated instead.

Interpreting it the latter way makes sense in all contexts.

Just throwing that out there.


Grimmy wrote:

Best paizo thread of all time.

Long live the thread necromancers.

Nah. That goes to SiaG. This one's pretty interesting, though!


Which one's SiaG?


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I know a guy who can get tickets...

Sovereign Court

Best thread ever....


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*reads thread*

*blinks*

... huh.

Grand Lodge

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memorax wrote:
being bothered by the occasional swear word. Or even just "damn I almost I died". Is trying to hide behind fake innocence as far as I'm concerned.

Being bothered by profanity, is not necessarily trying to hide behind anything, let alone "innocence". The reasons for being bothered by it vary from individual to individual...

As for myself, since I am a Christian, I try not to be around it, as it is a habit from a time before I was a Christian that I sometimes struggle with; but I am not trying to claim innocence, I just don't like being around it. So yes, that does sometimes limit what I am or am not willing to do (like watch certain movies, listen to certain comedians, or being around certain people if they are absolutely unwilling to "watch their language" around me), but that's a conscious decision that I make, and I am perfectly willing to live with any consequences that may come from that decision (which isn't to say that I always like the potential consequences, it's just that I am willing to live and deal with any that may come up).


^ Boo-yah! :D

Scarab Sages

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Digitalelf wrote:
memorax wrote:
being bothered by the occasional swear word. Or even just "damn I almost I died". Is trying to hide behind fake innocence as far as I'm concerned.

Being bothered by profanity, is not necessarily trying to hide behind anything, let alone "innocence". The reasons for being bothered by it vary from individual to individual...

As for myself, since I am a Christian, I try not to be around it, as it is a habit from a time before I was a Christian that I sometimes struggle with; but I am not trying to claim innocence, I just don't like being around it. So yes, that does sometimes limit what I am or am not willing to do (like watch certain movies, listen to certain comedians, or being around certain people if they are absolutely unwilling to "watch their language" around me), but that's a conscious decision that I make, and I am perfectly willing to live with any consequences that may come from that decision (which isn't to say that I always like the potential consequences, it's just that I am willing to live and deal with any that may come up).

Non-catholic Christian, I presume ;-)

Liberty's Edge

I don't like too much profanity myself. But if every single swear word bothers a person. Then it's a bit much. Sometimes if I hit my hand with a hammer or bang my elbow into a door. Well I can tell you that I might say a swear word or two. Or more. I can respect not wanting to hear profanity. I will never ever respect low self imposed tolerance levels. When one is certain age it comes across as being social awkward. I used work with a person that every single swear word even as simple as the word damn was considered offensive. Then he wondered why no one wanted to hangout with him after work. Or never said anything to him beyond a simple Hello or Hi. When it comes to other people if I have to walk around on eggshells at all times. I rather keep my dealings with that kind of person to the absolute minimum.

Mind you I once had to tell one of my ex-players to tone down the details of what he did in the bedroom. IT was great that he was happy with his girlfriend. Myself and others at the table did not need to know the amount and variety of sexual positions being done in the bedroom.


feytharn wrote:
Non-catholic Christian, I presume ;-)

Hah! Point noted!

It's probably worth noting that my wife is Catholic - though I am Baptist - and she loathes swear words of most kinds as well.

Intriguingly, some of the things I consider "not bad" are considered unfathomably rude by her family... and vice-verse (though she tends to be more strict than some of her elders in that regard). Some things we strictly agree on. Funny, that. :)

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Kobold Cleaver wrote:

I was wondering why this thread died when we reference it so often.

Then I remembered.

It got really boring.

So you are you that deluded that you did the community some public service by necroing it?


I got to get this off my chest! :D


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memorax wrote:
I used work with a person that every single swear word even as simple as the word damn was considered offensive.

That would be the family I was raised in. On the other hand, they don't wonder why "nobody wants to hang out with them", as they have plenty of acquaintances and friends who share their opinions on the subject. They just avoid spending more time than necessary around people who disagree.

Personally, I just don't see why profanity is necessary, much less a signifier of "something wrong past a certain age" if a person does not partake and wishes to avoid being around those who do. I get by just fine using almost none, and that "almost" is a bad habit picked up from college roommates that I've been working for years to kick.


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Indeed. My "swear" repertoire officially consists of "crap" (which I don't consider bad, but my wife's family does), and, beyond that, I've managed to utter curse words a grand total of around... eleven times? Maybe twelve? Before college, I could count them on less than one hand (and did, though I don't recall if it was three or four now). Of the (comparative) large number used since? All of them were academic discussions (about half a dozen instances) or slips of the tongue (a couple) due to local company.

Making a guttural noise of pain or frustration is a shockingly effective communication tool when it's the communication tool you use and stick with.

Grand Lodge

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Pathfinder Adventure, Rulebook Subscriber; Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber

I personally don't understand the offense of swear words, but do my best to limit them in sensitive company. I sound a lot different when I hang out with my old Army buddies.

Scarab Sages

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Tacticslion wrote:
feytharn wrote:
Non-catholic Christian, I presume ;-)

Hah! Point noted!

It's probably worth noting that my wife is Catholic - though I am Baptist - and she loathes swear words of most kinds as well.

Intriguingly, some of the things I consider "not bad" are considered unfathomably rude by her family... and vice-verse (though she tends to be more strict than some of her elders in that regard). Some things we strictly agree on. Funny, that. :)

I didn't mean to imply that all catholics like to swear, but as far as my experience goes, most who dislike it don't do it for religious reasons ;-)


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I am from Brooklyn, hence cursing is quite normal to me, though I rarely do so myself. What sounds strange are made up words to avoid cursing, and people who lose their s!+% at someone else saying g%&$*@mit. The strangest of all are people who complain about someone cursing when that person has just suffered considerable physical injury.

Liberty's Edge

I'm not saying I swear for the sake of swearing. I just can't be around a person(s) where I have to scrutinize every single word I say. Like Freehold has pointed out. Sometimes in the heat of the moment like a injury one will swear. In that context instead of worrying about what was said. Worry about the injured person. Even then make sure to point out if one is offended by swear words before a conversation begins. I'm not going to live my life figuring out which person is or is not offended by swear words. It's the same way when inviting people over to dinner I expect to be told of any food allergies or restrictions on the menu. I also make a point of asking as well. Showing up to a all meat BBQ then complaining of a lack of vegetarian or vegan option is on you. i'm from Montreal and I know of a place where the chef will simply say "you have a food restriction well then you can't eat here go elsewhere". Not what I would do. But I'm not the owner.

I also agree with the anti-swear words. It's the same thing. Saying Dang instead of damn is still the same thing. Calling crap HAW (human atomic waste) is still the same thing. I'm more of a live and let live. Some don't mind swearing. Some do. Both sides should respect the other. But at the same time their is a limit to how much once should accomadate another person. While I want the other person to be comfortable. I also don't want to have to walk on eggshells at all times. My social circle and myself used to hangout with a person that insisted at eating at only kosher restaurants. Once, twice three times after a point he simply was no longer invited. We decided as a group that we were not in the mood to eat at josher only restuarants. As well he ate non-kosher meat when it suited him.


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Freehold DM wrote:
I am from Brooklyn, hence cursing is quite normal to me, though I rarely do so myself. What sounds strange are made up words to avoid cursing, and people who lose their s~&+ at someone else saying g@~#@#mit. The strangest of all are people who complain about someone cursing when that person has just suffered considerable physical injury.

For me, it's a combination of being polite and sensitive to others (for offensive words in general), and of religious blasphemy and vanity (in the case of a great many swear words in general).

It's not so much a case of someone expressing their extreme duress and pain (which is entirely understandable) but expressing it through using what amounts to "You and your religious faith - and especially the single most important Person - are the method through which I express everything I hate." which, you know, is really unpleasant.

I don't hold it against people, because it's impossible to avoid, culturally. I do find an extreme displeasure at the cultural context that makes it acceptable and even expected in many cases.

Swear words are, in the end, just words. But their use, meaning, and implications, just like any words, are important and must be cautiously applied to given situations.

Using someone's name or title as a method of expressing anger or displeasure is unpleasant. Hence.

Grand Lodge

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memorax wrote:
I will never ever respect low self imposed tolerance levels. When one is certain age it comes across as being social awkward.

I don't go out of my way to avoid someone that lets slip the occasional profane word or two, but if I call that person friend, and that person claims to call me friend as well, yet that person just refuses to even try and make a sincere attempt to avoid using profanity around me (I don't expect perfection), I have to wonder... As I do my best to not do something that I know offends or annoys the people I call friends, no matter how small or insignificant I personally see the action (and yes, I sometimes fail at it).

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