| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
They sit a philosopher in a chair, with a pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. The philosopher huffs, stands up and walks out "It will never get there!"
They sit a physicist in the same chair and again with a new (and still hot) pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. The philosopher huffs, stands up and walks out "I know Zenos paradox, it will never get there!"
They sit a Biologist in a chair, with a pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. He takes out a knife and fork and waits. The loudspeaker asks him "aren't you worried you'll never get to the pizza?" biologist says "I'll get close enough..."
The engineer gets up, goes over to the pizza, and eats the pizza.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
The engineer gets up, goes over to the pizza, and eats the pizza.They sit a philosopher in a chair, with a pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. The philosopher huffs, stands up and walks out "It will never get there!"
They sit a physicist in the same chair and again with a new (and still hot) pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. The philosopher huffs, stands up and walks out "I know Zenos paradox, it will never get there!"
They sit a Biologist in a chair, with a pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. He takes out a knife and fork and waits. The loudspeaker asks him "aren't you worried you'll never get to the pizza?" biologist says "I'll get close enough..."
Stupid engineer, stealing my best ideas!
EDIT: What I'm saying is I want pizza.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
What do you call a physician who graduated at the bottom of their class?
"Doctor."
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A-flat miner.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your average lifetime velocity will be zero.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. They hold the bulb and the world turns around them.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your average lifetime velocity will be zero.
Relative to what? Earth, certainly, but the planets and stars will be in different positions. Galaxies, too.
Also disageeing because the maternity wards are in a different position than your deathbed.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your average lifetime velocity will be zero.Relative to what? Earth, certainly, but the planets and stars will be in different positions. Galaxies, too.
Also disageeing because the maternity wards are in a different position than your deathbed.
Have you ever measured the speed of something on Earth (and not the Earth itself) relative to anything other than the Earth? I know it's possible, but rather I'm asking whether this would be something you'd find useful in describing the behavior of this object while on Earth. The closest example I can think of would be the tides, but even that is usually still measured relative to the Earth.
Also, you can't think of a single possible way that someone might die in the place where people give birth?
Lastly, if you don't like a joke... you can just move on and leave it alone. No reason to pick it apart in a thread about jokes. Kinda ruins the vibe.
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
Jean-Paul Sartre is at a cafe and orders a coffee with sugar and no cream.
The waitress responds, "I'm sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like a coffee with sugar and no milk?"
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your average lifetime velocity will be zero.Relative to what? Earth, certainly, but the planets and stars will be in different positions. Galaxies, too.
Also disageeing because the maternity wards are in a different position than your deathbed.
Have you ever measured the speed of something on Earth (and not the Earth itself) relative to anything other than the Earth? I know it's possible, but rather I'm asking whether this would be something you'd find useful in describing the behavior of this object while on Earth. The closest example I can think of would be the tides, but even that is usually still measured relative to the Earth.
Also, you can't think of a single possible way that someone might die in the place where people give birth?
Lastly, if you don't like a joke... you can just move on and leave it alone. No reason to pick it apart in a thread about jokes. Kinda ruins the vibe.
I was making a meta-joke by demonstration about people who do that. It seems I went a little too deep, though.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I was making a meta-joke by demonstration about people who do that. It seems I went a little too deep, though.If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your average lifetime velocity will be zero.Relative to what? Earth, certainly, but the planets and stars will be in different positions. Galaxies, too.
Also disageeing because the maternity wards are in a different position than your deathbed.
Have you ever measured the speed of something on Earth (and not the Earth itself) relative to anything other than the Earth? I know it's possible, but rather I'm asking whether this would be something you'd find useful in describing the behavior of this object while on Earth. The closest example I can think of would be the tides, but even that is usually still measured relative to the Earth.
Also, you can't think of a single possible way that someone might die in the place where people give birth?
Lastly, if you don't like a joke... you can just move on and leave it alone. No reason to pick it apart in a thread about jokes. Kinda ruins the vibe.
Fair enough. A "well, awkctuhally..." woulda helped. And more details, like picking a hospital and accounting for continental drift.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
The engineer gets up, goes over to the pizza, and eats the pizza.They sit a philosopher in a chair, with a pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. The philosopher huffs, stands up and walks out "It will never get there!"
They sit a physicist in the same chair and again with a new (and still hot) pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. The philosopher huffs, stands up and walks out "I know Zenos paradox, it will never get there!"
They sit a Biologist in a chair, with a pizza at the other end of the room. They let him know that Every 30 seconds the chair will move half the distance to the pizza. He takes out a knife and fork and waits. The loudspeaker asks him "aren't you worried you'll never get to the pizza?" biologist says "I'll get close enough..."
Stupid engineer, stealing my best ideas!
EDIT: What I'm saying is I want pizza.
And now, at long last, I shall have my REVENGE!
(because I'm ordering pizza)| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?
About $100K a year.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
What did the solipsist say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
"It's not you, it's me."
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis... Wait—LADDER!! I MEANT LADDER!!
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Really?
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that know binary, and those that don't.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
Cancellation of your research grant and a meeting with the ethics committee.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain goat?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
An atom said to another atom, "I think I lost an electron."
The second atom asked, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Entropy: It ain't what it used to be.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding.
The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I do know where I am!"
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Particle physics: The dreams that stuff is made of.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
What's the difference between a magician an an experimental psychologist?
The magician pulls rabbits out of hats, and the psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
After you tell them, "I hate my mother," the psychiatrist will ask, "Why do you feel that way," and the psychologist will say, "Thank you for sharing that."
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are two types of people in the world:
1) Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Gilligan: Hey, Professor, help me build a raft to get off this island!
The Professor: Sorry, that's an engineering problem.
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What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
Cancellation of your research grant and a meeting with the ethics committee.
Can you believe they're trying this again? Me neither!
But yeah, you want in on this, I know a guy...| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Mmm... cowamari...
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Repetition is the key comedic device.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
How do you tell the difference between an angry black bear and an angry grizzly bear?
Climb a tree.
If it climbs up after you, it's a black bear.
If it knocks the tree down on you, it's a grizzly.
To avoid incidents with bears, hikers are advised to carry pepper spray and wear bells, so they don't surprise the bear. They should also be able to recognize which kinds of bear are in the area from the scat. Black bear scat is one homogeneous brown lump with surprisingly little odor. While grizzly bear poop is a discontinuous mass containing fur, bones, bells, and smells strongly of pepper.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
What do you call a physician who graduated at the bottom of their class?
"Doctor."
"What do you call someone who graduated last in their class at west point?"
"Sir"
(Not unironically, General Custer was last in his class at west point...)
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
For all the press it gets, the field of quantum mechanics is actually the smallest field of study.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
I'm not sure the the artificial diamond trade gets as much press as it applies.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Aeneas falls through a space-time vortex and lands in the middle of a battle in 15th-century England. Seeking out his people, he shouts, "Ecquis?! Ecquis?!"
And King Richard III replies, "Hey, I'm the king and I call dibs!"
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Aeneas falls through a space-time vortex and lands in the middle of a battle in 15th-century England. Seeking out his people, he shouts, "Ecquis?! Ecquis?!"
And King Richard III replies, "Hey, I'm the king and I call dibs!"
diem suum equum ligno
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
True story...
One of my best friends in college had gone to a private high school which emphasized classics. In his senior year of high school, he had taken a class that required students to memorize the first stanza of The Illiad, in Hellenic Greek.
A year later, he was sitting in his first "Intro to Classical Literature" class as a freshman in college in a large lecture hall with about 100 students. The professor walked onto the dias, nodded to class, and said, without any other introduction,
"μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος
οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,
πολλὰς δ᾽ ἰφθίμους ψυχὰς Ἄϊδι προΐαψεν
ἡρώων, αὐτοὺς δὲ ἑλώρια τεῦχε κύνεσσιν
5οἰωνοῖσί τε πᾶσι, Διὸς δ᾽ ἐτελείετο βουλή,
ἐξ οὗ δὴ τὰ πρῶτα διαστήτην ἐρίσαντε
Ἀτρεΐδης τε ἄναξ ἀνδρῶν καὶ δῖος Ἀχιλλεύς."
...and paused dramatically.
Black and murderous, that cost the Greeks
Incalculable pain, pitched countless souls
Of heroes into Hades' dark,
And left their bodies to rot as feasts
For dogs and birds, as Zeus' will was done.
Begin with the clash between Agamemnon--
The Greek warlord--and godlike Achilles.
(The opening lines of The Illiad.)
The student sitting next to him, also a freshman, looked completely puzzled at the prof's speech, leaned over to my friend, and asked, "What did he just say?"
And my friend, without missing a beat, said:
"μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος
οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,
πολλὰς δ᾽ ἰφθίμους ψυχὰς Ἄϊδι προΐαψεν
ἡρώων, αὐτοὺς δὲ ἑλώρια τεῦχε κύνεσσιν
5οἰωνοῖσί τε πᾶσι, Διὸς δ᾽ ἐτελείετο βουλή,
ἐξ οὗ δὴ τὰ πρῶτα διαστήτην ἐρίσαντε
Ἀτρεΐδης τε ἄναξ ἀνδρῶν καὶ δῖος Ἀχιλλεύς."
The other student's expression was one of abject horror.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
did you hear about the hungry eastern scientist who put a basket between two night lights? He was trying to get the wavefronts to produce a dim sum.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Why didn't the dendrochronologist ever get married?
He only dated trees.