Critique My Item Please!


RPG Superstar™ General Discussion

51 to 100 of 410 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | next > last >>

JamesCooke wrote:
JJ Jordan wrote:

Twin Star Breastplate

Why not let the wearer of the armor choose which ally acts? I can see some funny/tragic scenarios where allies with the same teamwork feat argue with each other over who gets to act- so perhaps it'd be better to let the wearer choose instead. Arbitration over committee and all that jazz.

Thanks for the feedback. You're so right. I don't know what I was thinking. I was trying to be different but in a way that made the game worse. *facepalm*

Anyway. Lesson learned for me.

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka surfbored

1 person marked this as a favorite.
faxmachineanthem wrote:

Green Flash

As a first entry, you should feel proud.

The only thing I found "wrong" with your item was the name. It made me think of a comic book amalgamation rather than a cool bow.

It might not have made the top 32 because the power is a bit too straight forward - it shoots better. Not much of a surprise there. Solid writing and good template use though. Enter again next year!

The Exchange Star Voter Season 9

This was my first time entering into RPG Superstar, I made a last second decision to change one of my spell crafting requirements from CRB to another source, People of the North and I think this is the single biggest thing that cost me. Ignoring that fatal flaw, how was my pricing and formatting and some more general thoughts?

Trident of the Elemental Captain
Aura Moderate Evocation; CL 14th
Slot Two-Handed Weapon; Price 30,195 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description This ornately decorated +2 trident is adorned with ruby’s, sapphires and topazes, and each point is charged with a different elemental energy. As such on hit the trident deals an additional 1 point of fire, cold and electricity damage. This effect stacks with those granted from the flaming, shocking and frost properties. Additionally once per day the user can command the trident to cast a Scorching Ray that fires three rays that must be all against the same target. The first ray dealing cold damage, the second electricity, the last fire.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Scorching Rays, Snowball**, Shocking Grasp.; Cost 15,097 gp

**I originally had Cone of Cold here but as I said, changed it, like a fool.

Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Dieben wrote:

Needlenose Arbalest

The best written "gross" item this year, imho. Most of the others were repulsive but this one skated the edge of "disgusting" and "cool-gross" for me and I found that appealing (although I suspect for many others it was the reason they voted the other way)

-"This movmeent does not provoke". afaik, it should always read the full "this movement does not provoke attacks of opportunity"

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Sanguine kiss
Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 41,320 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This +1 wounding rapier, accompanied by a sheath of red leather, sports a hilt made of steel thorny stems extending upwards all the way along the blade and downward acting as the guard.

While unsheathed, the wielder can activate the following abilities as a swift action.

Deal 1 negative level upon confirmed critical hits. These temporary hit points last for 24 hours. One day after being struck, subjects must succeed at a DC 16 Fortitude save for each negative level gained or any such levels become permanent.
Once per turn deal 1 constitution damage to a creature hit
slain humanoids immediately rises from death as a vampire spawn under the control of the wielder. A wielder may have enslaved spawn totaling no more than 22 Hit Dice; any spawn it creates that would exceed this limit would immediately revert to regular corpses.

Every round the sanguine kiss must deal 10 damage per activated ability to a creature other than constructs, oozes, plants, outsiders with the elemental subtype, undeads or creatures immune to bleed damage. whenever it fails to do so it deals the required amount of damage on its wielder at the end of it's turn.

Whenever the sanguine kiss is sheathed or unwielded by creatures other than constructs, oozes, plants, outsiders with the elemental subtype, undeads or creatures immune to bleed damage, all it's activated powers deactivate and all vampire spawns created immediately revert to regular corpses.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Animate Object, Undead Anatomy II; Cost 20,820 gp

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka surfbored

Joel Flank wrote:

Soul Shackle Bolt

I upvoted this item more than once. Not until I had to get nit picky did I worry about a couple of errors...

- "Moderate" should not be capitalized.
- It was too expensive.
- Weights under a pound are usually ignored.
- A typo, "the astral spike dissipating keeps prevents its death".

These forced me to down vote, but only when the competition got really heated.

All in all a great item.

Marathon Voter Season 9

Joel Flank wrote:
Soul Shackle Bolt

I keep thinking you're BBT.

Ahem! Anyways. I liked the creativity in this item, and thought the temporary immortality was a very clever touch, giving it some real versatility beyond "stop this jerk from porting away".

The formatting could use some work, though—line breaks are credit to team your friend. It's a huge text block right now. I also noticed some small grammatical errors that would have been fixed by a workshop—"it's" for a possessive pronoun, missing a space in "thesoul shackle bolt".

Also, I like the name, though "Astral Spike" might have made it stand out more against all the "soul" items. I wouldn't use the word "victim"—"target" is customary.

Nickolas Floyd wrote:
Sarkorian Sunderjaw

I loved this item. I thought the Requirements were a bit hokey, but looking at "canon" examples, there's a similar item—Shatterspike—that also requires combat feats, so that's clearly fine. You didn't need to specify the source for Strong Jaw, though, especially not with the link.

But no, seriously, loved. I pictured a barbarian wielding this to sunder the jaws of T-Rexes (okay, I also pictured Hermie wielding this to sunder the jaws of the Abominable, but that's just me).

It is a bit expensive, though—that's practically a +5 enhancement bonus in price, and all for the ability to occasionally sunder someone's bite attack. Cool as this item is, I would never buy it at such a price.

You didn't need to specify that the bone doesn't get a damage penalty, since you didn't list it as a +2 bone greatclub. Also, the last paragraph is worded somewhat clumsily. It seems like you could have imparted the information in fewer sentences.

Kigvan wrote:
Gorgon Sinew Lariat

I'm always a sucker for monster-based items, and I love that you used a lasso. I voted for this item a lot.

The Dexterity damage seems a bit too good. Shouldn't there be a save, or the option to hold one's breath? It helps that the lasso isn't too hard to destroy, of course. I'm not sure if it helps enough.

I'm confused about how gas dispersal works. It sounds like the lasso is constantly producing more gas—does a gust of wind permanently dispel the gas, or just for the duration of this particular target's entanglement?

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

I said it before, albeit on a different thread, I'll say it to all aspiring designers. I open my item to critique. Please critique it.

I may not get around to reading it for a few days to weeks; but I learned a lot critiquing items last year. I implore you to do the same.

I learned a lot from people critiquing my items last year as well. If you have the time, I would love to learn from you as well.

Even if you don't feel comfortable sharing it publicly, you can PM me your personal critiques of my item, or any other items that you wish to critique. I will attempt to give critiques. Though admittedly, they may be late.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

4 people marked this as a favorite.

First time entry...and mistakes were made. But this is how we learn, right? (I still can't believe I survived up until the final moment with a typo in it. My shame for that is endless.)

Books of One
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This unassuming pair of dog-eared tomes appear to be perfect mirrors of one another, including a foreboding dark stain on the fifteenth page.
Any text penned within the pages of one of these books immediately appears on the corresponding page of the other, regardless of distance. Spells specifically targeting the written word, books, or parchment such as erase, illusory script, or secret page have their effects bilocated; the same spell existing on both pages of the pair. Such effects end immediately if they are no longer present in both books of one.
Due to their dual nature, holding one of the pair functions as a “possession or garment” physical connection for the purposes of scrying attempts to discern the owner of the other.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, sending Cost 6,000 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Would love feedback (either positive or negative). Several things that I know counted against the item: spells weren't in alphabetical order in construction requirements (still new to Pathfinder templating... I'm a 1st ed/2nd ed guy who picked up the system recently), and the item is kind of a limited swiss army knife with a randomization component, but I thought the concept/visuals would make up for it - as a visual RP person I learned a lot about the importance of raw mechanics to this system. The healing firework was probably too good (2d6 would provide a more reasonable mean heal per round). Alliteration annoyed some people (voters), most likely, but the kind of wizard who would create this item would also enjoy alliteration.

Fray’s Fabulous Fireworks
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.

Description
This soot-covered leather satchel contains an array of colored fireworks. A firework can be drawn from the satchel and launched as a standard action. It flies 200 feet upwards and up to 60 feet horizontally before exploding in a beautiful pattern matching the firework’s hue. The glowing embers rain down in a 20 foot radius cylinder for 2d4 rounds, causing an effect each round based on the firework’s color. Each creature in the area may make a DC 16 Reflex save to take half damage and avoid any additional effects.

Red: Burning ash deals 2d6 points of fire damage and blocks all sight in the area;
Yellow: Sparkling motes deal 1d6 points of damage and outline all creatures as glitterdust;
Green: Falling spores deal 1d6 points of acid damage and sicken creatures;
Blue: Shards of ice deal 2d6 points of cold damage and create difficult terrain for 1 minute;
Purple: Inky tentacles attempt to grapple creatures as black tentacles, with a CMB of +12;
White: Positive energy cures 1d8+5 points of damage and affects creatures as protection from evil.

Every 24 hours, the satchel generates 3 random fireworks, and any fireworks remaining from the previous day disappear.

Construction Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, ash storm, ice storm, glitterdust, black tentacles, cure light wounds, protection from evil, 5,000 gp.

Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

JJ Jordan wrote:
JamesCooke wrote:


Watch of Borrowed Time

No DC on the sickened effect?

2nd person should be switched to third to conform to Paizo's style.

In the end, using a move action(that basically gets you attacked since it provokes), to steal an opponents move action (maybe) and give it to an ally just doesn't seem worth the price.

Neat idea. I think some altered version of this item would definitely be top 32 worthy.

-I felt like, for the inherent risk in using the item, the "no save" was warranted. Unfortunately, I went about it backwards by keeping the item provoking for days instead of making it safer and more useful to use.

-I could have sworn the style for magic items was 2nd person when I submitted, but that's something I should have looked up prior to submitting anyway- really bad blunder on my part.

Thank you very much for your advice!

Marathon Voter Season 9

Please give me your opinions.

Array of the Winged Knight
Aura faint evocation and strong necromancy; CL16th
Slot shoulders Price 26,260gp; Weight 7lbs.
Description
The Array of the Winged Knight is an intricate frame made up of metal feathers which attaches to any set of armor at the shoulders. They are made to impressive and often of the finest metals and covered in jewels. This item is made to be used almost exclusively by a mounted knight and its full powers are only accessible by such a wearer.
The minor power of the Array is that it provides its wearer with a +1 Luck bonus to Armor Class. This power is always active and helps a knight in any battle situation.
The major power of this magic item can only be accessed by a mounted wearer. It has the ability to cast a 60’ cone of fear originating from the wearer once per day. This effect has a DC 19 Will save to negate. Anyone failing this save will be frightened for 2d6 rounds and act as that effect indicates. This power can only be activated by command word and only after the wearer has advance toward his enemies on a mount. This effect is manifest by an eerie rattling of the Array’s metal feathers that echo out over the battlefield.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, symbol of fear; Cost 13,100 gp

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Thanks to everyone providing feedback, and those providing enough votes to get through the culls. I am just getting over Superstar funk, because while I really liked my item, I love my half finished map.

I know I forgot to properly reference Opening Volley, and missed the encoding of italics for the construction spells (darn you open office and your one-button ease of formatting!) There may be a few other minor edit differences between this last open office paste and the final submission, but I think it's very close to what was submitted.

Blood Volley Blade
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 22,320 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This twisted triple edged +1 Returning Dagger always glistens as blood continually trickles down the grooves between the blades. This thin stream of blood pools near the tip but never drips off. While wielding this weapon a creature is considered to have the Opening Volley feat. On a successful thrown hit a blood volley blade does not return, but lodges in the body of its target and deals 1d4 points of bleed damage. If the bleed condition is removed by a successful heal check or magical healing effect applied before the thrower's next turn the dagger returns to the owners square as normal. While the bleed condition from a blood volley blade is in effect an attacker can retrieve the dagger from the victim's body with a successful steal combat maneuver that does not provoke an attack of opportunity. Removing a blood volley blade in this way deals 1d4+1 damage and transforms the dagger into a +1 throwing rapier for 10 rounds. If the blood volley blade hits while thrown in its rapier form, it deals its damage and then transforms back into its dagger form.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armors, bleed, major creation, telekinesis ; Cost 11,106 gp

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Whip of Wounding Words
Aura moderate evocation and necromancy; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 58,302 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Crafted from several shadowy strands, this black whip shifts and coils in answer to a rhythm it alone can sense. Each strand contains an echo of the words that created the multiverse. Caught in twisting shadow, these echoes of creation now wound reality.

The whip of wounding words serves as a +1 whip. In addition, the whip can be used to brand victims with wounding words and to unleash the sundering echoes of creation.

Branding: as a standard action the wielder can make a single, ranged touch attack with the whip. On a success, the shadowy strands of the whip burn words of unmaking upon the target. Treat this effect as inflict serious wounds (DC 16). The whip of wounding can be used to brand a target three times a day.

Echoes of Creation: as a standard action, the wielder can whirl the whip around him. Whispers fly from the shadowy strands, forming harsh echoes that sunder reality. Everyone and everything caught in the 15 feet radius of effect is hit by an effect that combines shatter (DC 16) and sound burst (DC 16). The shatter effect is total and complete, the wielder does not have to choose effects. The echoes of creation break brittle, nonmagical objects, they sunder all solid, nonmagical objects and they damage crystalline creatures in the area of effect. This effect can be used once per day.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Heighten Spell, inflict serious wounds, shatter, sound burst; Cost 29,302 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Abacus of Probable Paradox
Aura faint divination; CL 1st
Slot wrist; Price 1,500 gp; Weight
Description
The miniature bamboo slats of this wrist-mounted counting frame encircle countless skewered pebbles. The faint sound of tapping stones echo as the glyph-carved pebbles continually slide to and fro, as if guided by an invisible hand, while the mechanism calculates and verifies some cosmically vast equation.

Three times per day, the wearer of the abacus of probable paradox can perform one of the following:

The wearer gains a subtle focus on the probability of distinct futures and can inexplicably prepare for events which have yet come to pass. This allows the wearer when readying an action, to instead ready two independent actions against two independent conditions, and can act if either (but not both) triggering actions occur.

The abacus also allows the order of the wearer’s actions to become muddled in time, and occur long before their effects have been felt. After completing a readied action, the wearer can choose to have their initiative result remain unchanged and not be updated to the count on which they took their readied action.

Lastly, the abacus allows insight when it has calculated the probability of a particular, distinct future to be zero, allowing the wearer to end a readied action before the start of their next turn (as a free action), and perform a standard action of their choosing. This action cannot be used to interrupt another’s action and is treated as if the wearer’s initial action was to delay.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, guidance; Cost 750 gp


Belabras wrote:
Auric Hush

This item is mechanically sound, but lacks originality in its concept.

Price-wise, this is extremely overpriced for a DC 14 Will save. I did like how the coin itself is accounted for in the construction requirements. This item would be much more appropriate for 5,002 gp or likely even lower.

Construction wise, silence is immensely more appropriate for this item than bestow curse.

My largest contention with this entry is that it is basically Ursula's seashell from Disney's The Little Mermaid. When you base your item off of something that already exists in a video game, movie, anime, television program, novel series, or some other media, all I learn is how capable you are at making a conversion or adaptation of the source.

What I want to see from you next year is something original, something novel. You clearly have the chops to build something mechanically strong. By making some truly original content, I feel you may have a shot at the Top 32 next season.

Marathon Voter Season 9

3 people marked this as a favorite.

This was my first attempt at the contest as well. I'm an old school (started in 1982) AD&D player and DM as I see some others have stated in their item post. I got back into it, and into Pathfinder, about four years ago to pass on the fun to my kids, and then the neighbor kids, and then some parents. I had started jotting down notes for the contest I thought would be coming at the end of the year. I went to the site to look something up and saw this special season 9 with four days left to submit something. I know I added and "s" on the entry name (next to word count) and my spells aren't alphabetical. I really struggled with the price/cost. Went back on forth on weekly power or the ten uses..Let me know what you all think. I feel good it made it to the end and I am looking forward to the next contest.

Armor of the Crow
Aura moderate transmutation and conjuration; CL 9th
Slot armor; Price 46,300 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
This black +2 studded leather armor is entirely embossed with small crow feathers. When the armor is first created there are ten additional, larger crow feathers embossed on the chest, five just above each breast. When the wearer takes damage reducing her hit points to zero or below, but not dead, the armor instantaneously heals the wearer to 1d4 hit points above zero and transforms the wearer (including all of her equipment) into a murder of ten crows for three rounds. During these three rounds the wearer is not in control of the crows and is effectively unconscious. The crows use the three rounds to fly as fast and as far as possible (base fly speed of 40 ft.) to the safest location they can find (based on crow senses – GM’s discretion). At the end of three rounds they land on the ground and the wearer is transformed back to her original form. Each time the armor functions in this manner one of the ten larger crow feathers disappears from the armor. Once all of the larger feathers are gone the armor becomes normal +2 studded leather armor. If the wearer loses enough hit points from one source to become dead, the armor alone transforms into a murder of crows then dissipates into a black vapor, destroyed forever, leaving the body behind.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, cure serious wounds, beast shape II or Polymorph; Cost 23,325 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 9

Hey folks, looking forward to some brutal feedback. I have been out of the Pathfinder loop for some time, but RPG Superstar encouraged and excited me about the system again. Since I'm a little rusty, please feel free to be exceptionally brutal as I could use a kick in the butt. I have noticed some of the problems, but I'll keep those to myself to avoid colouring your critique.

This was my first time participating in RPG Superstar. This survived the 5 culls.

Swashbuckling Sash
Aura faint abjuration and transmutation; CL 7
Slot belt; Price 12,000; Weight 1 lb.
Description

This bright red strip of cloth ties simply at the waist, leaving long ends at the wearer’s side. When worn, the ends almost imperceptibly quiver with potential energy. The sash grants the wearer a +5 competency bonus to both Acrobatics and Climb checks. In addition, while climbing the character may cling to a rope or object with the sash instead of a hand, allowing the character to take actions that would requires two hands instead of the usual one hand.

Three times per day when hit by a melee attack, but before damage is determined, the wearer of a swashbuckling sash may expend a use as an immediate action to gain a +3 Deflection bonus to AC as the end of the sash darts out to parry the blow. If this raises the wearer’s AC above the triggering attack roll then that attack is resolved as a miss.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace, shield of faith; Cost 6,000 gp

Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Maps, Pathfinder Accessories, Pawns Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Once more unto the breach, dear friends...

Crystal of the Gathered Mind
Aura faint divination and enchantment; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
This three inch crystal orb contains the figure of a green humanoid head with closed eyes. The eyes of the figure open with a bright silver light whenever the orb is used as a focus with any spell-like ability, supernatural ability, or spell which is mind affecting. The eyes of all targets affected by the spell or ability flash silver at that moment and their minds become bound to that of the wielder, giving access to their knowledge and intellect.

This bond exists for 10 minutes, during which time the wielder knows any language known by any of the affected subjects and can substitute a subject’s skill bonus for any Intelligence, Wisdom, or Charisma based skills used by the wielder while the bond persists. This applies even to those skills which require training and in which the wielder has no skill ranks. The wielder may once per the duration of the bond draw on the mental abilities of the subjects as a free action and add an insight bonus of +1 for each mind in the bond to one action. Doing so imposes a –2 penalty on any actions a bonded subject makes until the start of the wielder’s next turn.

The orb takes the place of any material components 100 gp or less and any focus required for a spell used in conjunction with it other than divine focuses. The crystal can be used alongside a divine focus, however. The wielder can end the bond at any time before the duration runs out.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, seek thoughts (Advanced Players Guide pg. 242); Cost 2,500 gp

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

Bill Novak 514 wrote:

Please give me your opinions.

Array of the Winged Knight

Kate Elliott, the item reminded me (too much) of her excellent series and downvoted this often because it wasn't original enough in my mind. Maybe not fair but that was the feeling evoked.

So you succeeded at that, you evoked a feeling, which is excellent writing so there is that.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

A light edit made based on some technical feedback (conventions/template issues/word choice).

Flood in a Bag
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 5,235 gp (type I), 10,470 gp (type II), 15,630 gp (type III), 20,940 gp (type IV); Weight 2 lbs
Description

Intricate brocade patterns on this blue silk belt pouch depict foam tipped waves poised above a scenic landscape. Closely inspecting the flotsam within these patterns often reveals interesting items.

A command word activates the pouch, expanding it into a Bag of Holding, using the appropriate statistics by type.

Once per day the bearer of a Flood in a Bag can cause water to gush forth from the bag’s mouth by opening it and issuing a second command word; generating up to 4, 8, 12, or 16 five-foot cubes of water per round until the bag is closed (a free action for the user). Cubes must form a contiguous figure radiating outward from the bag’s mouth and last 3 rounds or until the bag closes. Holding the bag open in subsequent rounds is a standard action requiring two hands and does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

Water within the cubes flows as whitewater rapids (Core Rulebook, 432) directly away from the bag’s mouth. Creatures entirely encompassed within the water move 60 feet downstream at the end of their turn. Those ejected from the water by this movement may attempt a DC 10 Acrobatics check to prematurely end their movement. Creatures only partially within the water are instead knocked prone unless they make a DC 20 Acrobatics check, and are not moved. Swarms caught in the water immediately disperse; reforming 1d4 rounds after the bag is closed.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, control water, secret chest; Cost 2,618 gp (type I), 5,235 gp (type II), 7,815 gp (type III), 10,470 gp (type IV)

Dark Archive Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 9

Everything seemed to fit so well in making this item...where did I go wrong folks?
Anticipation
Auramoderate divination; CL 5th
Slot slotless; Price 64,000 gp; Weight 12 lbs.
Description
This halberd’s only decoration is an intricate silver etching of an eye, it’s pupil a rose colored gem. The eye seems to stare, almost as if it’s studying you.
This halberd sharpens your wariness, granting a constant +2 insight bonus to initiative. The wielder can choose one target within sight as his focus and after the target is chosen, the halberd mentally aids the wielder in anticipating the target's every move. The wielder gains a +2 insight bonus to Armor Class versus the target but due to this intense focus he suffers a -2 Armor Class penalty versus other foes.
Upon the first successful attack the target must pass a DC 18 Will save, or the mental connection strengthens, granting you a +2 insight bonus to attack and damage rolls versus the target. If the target passes the Will save he blocks further focus and is immune for 24 hours. Due to the mental connection, whenever the target misses you with an attack, the insight bonus to attack and damage increases by 1 (to a maximum of +5) as the target's concentration slackens from anger.
The wielder may change the target being focused on once per round, doing this resets the attack and damage bonus.
Construction
RequirementsCreate Magic Arms and Armor, anticipate peril, anticipate thoughts; Cost 32,000 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

Terminalmancer wrote:

I'll have more feedback for everyone this weekend. In the meantime... time to feed the sharks! Rip this apart, please.

** spoiler omitted **

Chemist's Retort
Aura faint conjuration; CL 6th
Slot none; Price 12,700 gp; Weight 12 lbs.

Description
The bolt case of this +2 heavy repeating crossbow may, instead of five bolts, be filled with a single flask or vial. Chemist's retort will fire the flask or vial loaded in this fashion as if it were thrown, but the range increment is 50 feet and the weapon's enhancement bonus only applies to your attack roll. Once the bolt case is loaded into the crossbow, this weapon duplicates any flask or vial loaded in this manner with a value of 50 gp or less, and may fire up to five total of any such item before running out and needing to be reloaded. It may fire a similar item of a higher value, but its magic is unable to duplicate such items.

Any time the bolt case is removed from the crossbow, it is empty. Alchemist's bombs (and any concoction that must be used within a round after it is created) are too volatile and become inert once loaded.

Three times per day as a free action, the wielder of chemist's retort may elect to double all damage done by an alchemical item it fires. This choice must be made before the attack is rolled.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, abundant ammunition; Cost 6,700 gp.

Terminalmancer, I liked the idea of this item but was left confused. Was it bolts imbued with the power of the flask coming out or actual flasks. If flasks I had a hard time seeing them survive the launch. I also thought the 3X day power was an unneeded add-on. My two cents for what it's worth.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

Feros wrote:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends...

Crystal of the Gathered Mind

Total respect for the 20k of votes you placed in the last four years.

That said, I saw this once or twice and I liked it.

1) too much focus on it being a spell focus. Saying that it could be used in conjunction with any spell etc etc that is mind affecting could have saved you words. Also, GMs could start to wonder if the item only functions with spell that require a spell focus + mind affecting.

2) try for a little more mojo, its there, but try for some more.

Conclusion: don't introduce doubts (be clear) + more mojo

Marathon Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.

I'm so tired of getting "Jesus Christ Superstar" stuck in my head every time I see "RPG Superstar" somewhere.

Nazard wrote:
Phase Strike Lenses

I really liked the idea here. The mechanics did not disappoint. There were some hiccups, however.

- "When applied to the eyes" sounds weird. Just say "When worn".

- You don't need to mention he can see incorporeal entities—incorporeality doesn't keep people from seeing you.

- I hesitate to make the "make someone ethereal" ability at-will. It's extremely powerful (auto-release allies from grapples, protect them from any attacks, and, of course, remove an enemy from the fight entirely). You might make it a certain number of activations per day. I'm curious what those with a better understanding of game balance think of it, though.

pH Unbalanced wrote:
Locket of Love's Lure

This was a really adorable and sweet item, but it felt a bit too flavor-intensive. I'm sure some people won't like the drawback, but I thought it was well-written and interesting.

The "bonus against the locket's subject" implies a bounty hunter who uses intimidate or bluff a lot, and I like the idea of a locket being used aggressively (sadly, the locket's targeting is too flavorful to allow that). I would cut the "societal disapproval" benefit entirely, or rewrite it to be more broad—it's way too specific. The inclusion of bleed seems purely flavor-based, and doesn't even make much sense. Bleed isn't a very good suicide spell.

Ultimately, I know I'm using "flavor" a lot, but I think that's the problem—this is pretty much a roleplaying item, and would only work in a certain type of campaign. That said, in such a campaign, I would very happily purchase it. I just think you need to make it less narrow.

Brigg wrote:
Cyclonic Darkleaf

I always liked this item. It may have been hurt slightly by there being another "armor detaches and forms a cyclone" item in the deck, but this one was pretty, fun, and evocative.

- "at the beginning of each of its turns" should just be "each round at the beginning of its turn".

- I was wondering why the wearer gains concealment against melee attacks but not against ranged, and why the concealment doesn't hamper him, too.

- Why bother making adjacent foes deal with 20% concealment if they're automatically blinded anyways?

- Why is it CL 6 and not CL 5?

I dug how it makes the wearer stationary (implying a caster or archer would want this the most), and the cyclone itself is very useful. I think it was just a bit too messy in places.

Belabras wrote:
Auric Hush

My problem here is, as cool as it is, the Auric Hush penalizes its user almost as much as its target. It's clearly an item meant for martials to annoy casters, which is neat—I just can't see it being terribly effective. Martials are designed to take lots of damage, and spellcasters are designed to make Will saves. Those are two facts that conflict with the coin's function.

That said, I think the pros outweighed the cons on this one. I really liked the idea and thought the execution was excellent. The name confused me (because there's an NPC of the same name in a campaign I'm running), but otherwise, I was happy to upvote this 80% of the time.

========

Alright, I've been pretty hard on some of these, so I think here's where I sign up for my comeuppance. Here's my item. I'm pretty sure I've already worked out some of the flaws: Costs too little, has a needless drawback (I based it on a chainsaw and chose it for flavor, not realizing drawbacks themselves were generally a no-no), and doesn't have any sort of limitation on its use, making it effectively a magic weapon that you can stack on other magic weapons. But I'm sure I've missed some.

This item survived the five culls, anyways, which makes me feel pretty good for a first pass. Thanks in advance, and sorry for "bugging" you! No, I'm not sorry for that, too. Not in the least.

Stirgenest Quiver
Aura moderate transmutation and necromancy; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 8,600 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
Resembling an extremely large hornet's nest, a stirgenest quiver can contain up to 20 arrows, bolts, or light piercing throwing weapons. When at least one valid projectile is placed inside, the stirgenest quiver begins to emit a loud buzzing. The noise is not deafening, but does cause the bearer to take a -10 penalty on Stealth checks.

Inside, projectiles quickly take on new, stirge-like qualities: Weapon points become longer and thinner, similar to probosces, little spindly legs emerge, and, most noticeably, two pairs of vestigial wings appear, flapping weakly on the sides of each weapon. These changes do not adversely affect use. When an affected projectile hits a target, its proboscis sinks in, its legs latch on, and it inflicts a -1 penalty to the target's Constitution score. This penalty stacks with other stirgenest quiver projectiles' penalties, but each can be removed as a move action by extracting the proboscis.

Additionally, further attacks with affected projectiles against the target benefit from a "feeding frenzy", gaining an insight bonus to hit equal to the number of projectiles already latched onto the target. This bonus cannot exceed +5.

If a projectile removed from the quiver goes 1 minute without inflicting a Constitution penalty, its stirge-like qualities rapidly fade.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, bleed; Cost 3,800 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

Maurice de Mare wrote:
Bill Novak 514 wrote:

Please give me your opinions.

Array of the Winged Knight

Kate Elliott, the item reminded me (too much) of her excellent series and downvoted this often because it wasn't original enough in my mind. Maybe not fair but that was the feeling evoked.

So you succeeded at that, you evoked a feeling, which is excellent writing so there is that.

Sorry, I've never read Kate Elliot. My inspiration was actually historical. Polish knights wore wings attached to the back of their armor in medieval times and there were legends of the sounds that they made as they charged across the battlefield.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Atlatl of Volcanic Eruption
Aura strong conjuration; CL 16th
Slot none; Price 187,200 gp; Weight 2 lb.
Description
This obsidian +1 flaming atlatl has 4 charges that renew daily at dawn. As a swift action, the wielder spends 1 to 4 charges, summoning an obsidian atlatl dart that makes a ranged touch attack; each charge spent increases its enhancement bonus by +1 and does 1d6 additional points of fire damage.
The wielder targets a square, intersection, or creature on the ground with the atlatl; if targeting a creature, the wielder must spend at least a number of charges equal to the number of squares of its facing. When it hits, a pyramid-shaped volcano erupts from the ground with a square caldera a number of squares across equal to the number of charges used to activate it, its height is double the caldera’s width, and the base of the volcanic pyramid around the caldera is twice as thick as the caldera’s width; its slope has a 45 degree angle.
Creatures in the caldera’s area of effect must make a DC 22 Reflex save or be trapped in it, taking 4d6 points of fire damage each round; a creature hit by the atlatl dart does not get a saving throw. The Climb DC of its interior walls is 30. Creatures attempting to fly or use teleportation magic to escape are caught in an eruption of lava for 16d6 points of fire damage, DC 22 Reflex save for half, and must make a Concentration check or lose the spell.
Creatures leaving the caldera continue to take damage, however the number of damage dice are halved each round.
The volcano vanishes after 16 rounds.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, produce flame or scorching ray, wall of lava, Cost 93,600 gp

Star Voter Season 9

My first attempt at RPGSS. I'm very interested in feedback on my item. It's not very flashy. I was going for something that was general purpose enough that it could be used in lots of situations but still be interesting. I know that I made a mistake on the requirements and probably the pricing.

Fragmenting Quarterstaff
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 28000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
This +1/+1 quarterstaff is slightly longer than a standard quarterstaff being a full 6 feet in length. Once per day as a standard action, the wielder may utter a command word which will cause the staff to break into two 3 foot segments or three 2 foot segments at the wielder’s discretion. Each of the segments acts as an animated object and can be thrown up to 20 feet away where it will attack any enemy as directed by the wielder using the wielder’s attack bonus for a quarterstaff, either single or double ended. A 3 foot segment does one-half the damage of the whole quarterstaff and a 2 foot segment does one-third the damage. After 10 rounds the animated segments spend an additional round to return to the wielder where they reform into a single quarterstaff.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects; Cost 14000 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

3 people marked this as a favorite.

Cloak of Nine Lives

Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot shoulders; Cost 4,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description

This thick silk cloak is well crafted, with simple but elegantly stitched silver embroidery around the edges. The large, black shaded hood is adorned with nine intricately embroidered feline eyes, in various states of pupil dilation.

As long as the cloak holds its enchantment, all rolls to confirm critical hits against the wearer must roll twice and take the worst result. Each time a critical hit against the wearer fails to confirm, one embroidered eye closes. Additionally, when the wearer would be subject to falling damage, the first damage die is negated and each remaining die is converted to non-lethal damage, up to the number of open eyes on the hood. One embroidered eye closes for each die of damage negated or converted. The cloak cannot convert more damage dice than available open eyes.

The enchantment of the cloak goes dormant when all nine eyes have closed. When the wearer has rested for 8 hours, all closed eyes re-open. The rest does not need to be consecutive.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace, feather fall; Cost 2,000 gp

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

Bill Novak 514 wrote:
Maurice de Mare wrote:
Bill Novak 514 wrote:

Please give me your opinions.

Array of the Winged Knight

Kate Elliott, the item reminded me (too much) of her excellent series and downvoted this often because it wasn't original enough in my mind. Maybe not fair but that was the feeling evoked.

So you succeeded at that, you evoked a feeling, which is excellent writing so there is that.

Sorry, I've never read Kate Elliot. My inspiration was actually historical. Polish knights wore wings attached to the back of their armor in medieval times and there were legends of the sounds that they made as they charged across the battlefield.

I am sorry, but the metal feathers left no other conclusion.

Things learned: (1) Kate Elliott also did her research (2) Google is your friend, research what you are trying to sell

Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Janvs

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Papasteve08 wrote:
Cloak of Nine Lives

As I mentioned via PM, I thought this was fantastic. This was definitely Top 32 material, though you may have been hurt by the quality of cloak competition.


Jon Agley wrote:
Fray’s Fabulous Fireworks

Alright, full disclosure: I run a year-round fireworks store, so I was extra critical of your item.

My biggest qualm with the item was that it extinguished what little thunder the alchemical weapons & fireworks have.

My biggest surprise was your spell requirements. Specifically, the absence of pyrotechnics, snapdragon fireworks, or sound burst.

I liked the random factor, but felt that it could have been written differently to limit the SAK-ness.

PROFESSIONAL BIAS:
There are dozens of firework types in the world, and this item only exhibits skyrockets. There are also an immense variety of visual and sound effects possible, but the item sticks to describing the shots as colored patterns. It also did not help that there was a tent down the street from my shop this past July called "Fran's Fabulous Fireworks", though I suspect that this was sheer coincidence.

I encourage you to continue to go for the riskier, creative entries in future years though. If you refine your mechanics proficiency, I'm sure you'll do well.

Star Voter Season 9

Please give critiques, this was my first time submitting an item:

Item Name  Avatar of the Elements (Air, Earth, Fire, or Water)
Aura Strong Conjuration, Moderate Transmutation; CL 13th
Slot Shoulders; Price 53,200 gp; Weight 1lbs
Description

Seemingly a well-used traveler’s cloak, its true appearance is revealed upon wearing. As it is placed across the wearer’s shoulders this cloak changes based on the element it has been imbued with. A wisp of clouds drifting behind the wearer, a mantle of fire flickering in the wind, a cloak of shale dropping dust and gravel with every step, or a waterfall flowing down the wearer’s back.

Each day the wearer can, on command, choose one of following:

1)As a swift action, take on the small form of the related elemental, as per the Elemental Body I spell, for 5 minutes. The effect is dismissible. This duration need not be continuous, but it must be used in 1 minute increments.

2)As an immediate action, utilize the connection to the Planes to channel that energy into his body, gaining Fast Healing/2 as if on a Positive-Dominant Plane for 10 rounds. This duration need not be continuous, but it must be used in 2 round increments.

Construction
Requirements  Craft Wondrous Item, Elemental Body I, Regenerate
Cost 26,600 gp

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

OhGodTheRats wrote:

First time entry...and mistakes were made. But this is how we learn, right? (I still can't believe I survived up until the final moment with a typo in it. My shame for that is endless.)

Books of One
Aura moderate evocation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This unassuming pair of dog-eared tomes appear to be perfect mirrors of one another, including a foreboding dark stain on the fifteenth page.
Any text penned within the pages of one of these books immediately appears on the corresponding page of the other, regardless of distance. Spells specifically targeting the written word, books, or parchment such as erase, illusory script, or secret page have their effects bilocated; the same spell existing on both pages of the pair. Such effects end immediately if they are no longer present in both books of one.
Due to their dual nature, holding one of the pair functions as a “possession or garment” physical connection for the purposes of scrying attempts to discern the owner of the other.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, sending Cost 6,000 gp

I don't have much time but I really liked this one. Hope to see you next season!

Sovereign Court Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

Cyclonic Darkleaf

I always liked this item. It may have been hurt slightly by there being another "armor detaches and forms a cyclone" item in the deck, but this one was pretty, fun, and evocative.

1. "at the beginning of each of its turns" should just be "each round at the beginning of its turn".

2. I was wondering why the wearer gains concealment against melee attacks but not against ranged, and why the concealment doesn't hamper him, too.

3. Why bother making adjacent foes deal with 20% concealment if they're automatically blinded anyways?

4. Why is it CL 6 and not CL 5?

I dug how it makes the wearer stationary (implying a caster or archer would want this the most), and the cyclone itself is very useful. I think it was just a bit too messy in places.

(I numbered your things to make my response easier)

1. Duly noted! ^.^ Thanks!

2. I thought at the time that since the ranged attacks are already taking a -4 penalty to the attack roll from the severe wind, tacking on concealment would be a bit much. A foible on my part now that it's being pointed out.

3. I felt the need to stymie Melee weapons with reach from going ape on the person using the armor.

4. Because it's +2 Armor.

And yes, I was definitely implying that a caster, or someone who needs to chug a potion can use this to better protect themselves.

Thank you for your feedback! Very useful in answering the questions I had about where I may have gone wrong.^.^

Marathon Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
dracwn wrote:
Teeth of the White Death

This item bugged me because it felt so Swiss Army-esque. It was a well-flavored SAK, though. I think it also suffered because of the multiple shark items this year.

- The recharge rate was interesting, but I almost feel like you could have been weirder with it—one of the craziest things about sharks is how many teeth they grow and shed in their lifetime, after all. But that's mostly a personal notion.

- You shouldn't state the bonus to-hit and damage the bite attack gets. It's a primary bite attack as if made by a Gargantuan creature (or just say "2d8"), with bleed 1d6. Bonuses will vary depending on the wearer, and making them specific just makes the item something you throw away at higher levels (wow, a +9 to-hit when my wizard gets a +10 to-hit with his masterwork club).

- Some of the abilities, like "A Ripple in the Water", only make thematic sense because of the name they get. And how do you get across that ominous feel on land? Is the sand rippling? Is it a ripple in space-time? Or does it only work in aquatic environs?

- Fast Healing 3 for 1d6 hours seems a bit nuts to be giving to 7th-level characters. Compare it to Infernal Healing.

It's a very cool idea to impart aspects of a shark in this way, and I did upvote this item several times. I just think it needs more polish, and maybe more consolidation.

Nostrix wrote:
Hell’s Restraints

- It seems you halved the Price to get the Cost, ignoring the price for the materials (a masterwork adamantine chain shirt).

- I love the very quick, very solid description. "harvested from slain ktyons" instantly explains the name and tells us that this is not necessarily an evil item, despite the name. "like snakes sensing prey" is also very evocative. Way to show the rest of us how good, concise flavor is done.

- So, you roll one CMB check and see whose CMDs you beat, or do you roll once for each target?

- The climbing and object manipulation are clever additions, though you should have probably made it two sentences—I'm confused how often I can manipulate items with the armor.

- The grapple only lasts for 1 round? That's still pretty handy and helps balance out an otherwise extremely good ability. Nice touch.

- I'm confused what effect destroying a chain has. How long does it take to reform? Is it instantaneous?

I had some trouble getting this item mixed up with a fairly similar hell-based grappling item, but I upvoted it pretty often. It's a good, handy item with plenty of versatility.

the Haunted Jester wrote:
Lookouts Lucky Buckler

I really liked this item, but two things bugged me:

- The name and type of item do not match the ability. Why a lookout? Why a buckler? Better flavor would have made a trap-relocation device much more interesting. You have a very cool idea that needs a better home!

- At a certain point, I realized that this is basically a rogue-in-a-can. Once I realized that, it started to frustrate me. This item is designed to replace Disable Device. You could fix this by having it require Disable Device, offering a new utility for the skill.

Aside from that, this felt more like a shield quality than a unique shield, just for pushing the "scaling enhancement bonus" option. I liked the drawback—it made a lot of sense—and I liked the idea of using this in melee. I upvoted this a fair few times, but it needs work.

EDIT: A couple other things that bug me are the two lines of flavor text (you only need one, by the way). One of them gives unneeded backstory with "vagrant band of bards", while the other is just chock-full of purple prose ("gleams in metallic swirls as weaving threads of the night sky"—I can't even tell what this means).

Brigg wrote:
2. I thought at the time that since the ranged attacks are already taking a -4 penalty to the attack roll from the severe wind, tacking on concealment would be a bit much. A foible on my part now that it's being pointed out.

That's a far point, but melee attacks get a lot tacked on, too. Logically, the concealment should apply to everything. It may be too busy, but I'd wait for a second opinion—I'm no designer. :P

Brigg wrote:
4. Because it's +2 Armor.

Ah, that's right. Derp. See? No designer! ;D

Star Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.

My first year submitting, after a previous 8 seasons of fearing the plunge. I saw some critical errors after I submitted, which I kicked myself for afterwards...
1) Should have been "Greenwarden Gauntlets"
2) Price based on one gauntlet
3) Wanted the special ability of the item to have more punch to it
4) Grossly underestimated the time required to develop an item worthy of making the Top 32

I'm sure I've missed / overlooked more. Critique away!

Greenwarden Gauntlet
Aura Strong Transmutation; CL 13th
Slot Hands; Price 71,750 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
Intricately carved to resemble tree bark, this weapon functions as a +2 greenwood gauntlet when worn individually. Worn as a pair, the gauntlets cover both arms with a bark-like growth providing a +2 natural armor bonus enhancement. Once per day as a standard action, the wearer can merge forms with a tree by placing both hands upon it. While merged, the new form functions like that of a tree animated by a treant's Animate Trees ability. The target tree must be Large size or larger. If of Large size, apply the young creature template to the treant statistics block. This ability has a maximum duration of ten rounds.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, animate plants, barkskin; Cost 35,875 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

dracwn wrote:

Thank you for any advice. This was cut in the final cull.

Teeth of the White Death
Aura Strong Transmutation; CL 5th
Slot Neck; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
This item appears as a coral necklace with five Great White Shark teeth attached to it. These teeth can be activated with a command, producing the listed effect, but each tooth can be only used once. After a tooth is used, it shatters.

A Ripple in the Water: Detaching this tooth centers a aura of fear on the wearer as though fear (30 ft., DC17) had been cast.

Jaws of the White: When detached, this tooth transforms the wearer's mouth into a double row of razor sharp teeth. Wearer gains a Bite +9 attack (2d8+10 plus bleed (1d6)).

Killer Vision: When detached, this tooth transforms the wearer's eyes black. Wearer gains Blindsense 30 ft.

Fleet of Fin: When detached, this tooth allows the wearer to gain a Swim Speed of 60 ft.

Shedding Skin: When detached, this tooth allows the wearer to gain Fast Healing 3.

Each of the abilities gained lasts for 1d6 hours. Necklace regrows teeth at the rate of 1 per day.

Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alter self, fear, touch of the sea, echolocation; Cost 5,000 gp

Dracwn, nice job! This is a very thematic item, and with a few minor changes, I think it could be great.

1. Remove the fear tooth. All of the other effects affect only the user personally. This gives gives the item a tight theme of transforming into a shark. Yes the aura is centered on the user, but it's really a spell you're casting against opponents. Removing the fear will also prevent people from thinking it's a spell in a can.

2. You don't need to specify attack or damage bonuses in the bite attack. It will automatically use the wearer's BAB and strength. It should say something like "The wearer gains a bite attack that deals 2d8 points of damage (assuming the wearer is Medium) and 1d6 points of bleed damage.

3. Killer Vision and "blind"-sense doesn't make much sense in combination. It's more like "Blood Scent" or "Blood in the Water". It would be cool if the blindsense only worked against injured opponent's but had a greater range.

4. Don't describe an item as being destroyed if you get to use it again. The duration (hours) and regrowth period (days) are both too long as well. Unless there's a very good reason not to, items should reset every day for simplicity's sake. I would prefer something like "You can activate a single tooth as a swift action. The effect lasts for 1 minute. Only one effect can be active at a time, and activating a second tooth ends the first one's effect. Each tooth can be used once per day."

Just my two cents.

Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Dan Jones wrote:

Atlatl of Volcanic Eruption

I voted for this item a number of times and I do like the concept, but the thing that made me think twice about voting for this item was the price. The price is right for the effect, I'm just not convinced I'd ever buy an item that expensive unless it had some serious utility and flavor behind it.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Pawns Subscriber

First submission ever, pretty happy with how far I got. Now, tear me apart.

Gebbite Officer's Shield

Aura Moderate Illusion; CL 5th
Slot shield; Price 31370 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
This +2 Clangorous Heavy Steel Shield bears the image of an anguished, tongueless face mid-scream. Created during the war between Geb and Nex, the officers of the Gebbite infantry relied on these shields to bolster their troops against their foe's magics. This shield grants the effects of the Improved Shield Bash Feat. Three times per day, when used to make a successful shield bash, the wielder can create a 20-foot cone of silence as per the spell originating from the shield for 5 rounds. The effect moves with the shield and can be rotated without moving as a free action.
ConstructionRequirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Silence, crafter must have the Improved Shield Bash Feat; Cost 15,685 gp

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan

Tom Forkbeard wrote:

OK,reading this again I see no style just function. What else did I do wrong?

Chameleon Shield
Aura moderate illusion; CL 8th
Slot shield; Price 10,114 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This +1 heavy wooden shield is painted and carved with the likeness of a chameleon lizard. After being stationary for one move action, the shield changes color and texture to blend in with the environment giving concealment to its bearer. Three times per day, after being activated and stationary for a full round, it covers the bearer with an illusion of the surrounding environment granting total concealment as long as the user is still or moves at half speed or less. Attacking and spell casting with somatic or verbal components and any other normal or faster motion negates these effects.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, woodshape, hide campsite;
Cost 5,157 gp

I really liked this item. It seems like an ideal item for a sword-and-board slayer, using Stealth to get some pretty consistent sneak attacks.

I think some of what hurt this is the action economy. You almost have to already be hiding at the beginning of an encounter to use this item. Taking up a whole round to activate this item is a VERY long time during a battle in Pathfinder. It can be almost 45 minutes of sitting there and doing nothing at some tables.

Also, it might have helped to remind readers that concealment provide a 20% miss chance and total concealment a 50% miss chance. Both are really great defensive buffs and allow for in-combat Stealth checks.

I also think the phrase "Attacking and spell casting with somatic or verbal components and any other normal or faster motion negates these effects" was a little vague.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan

JamesCooke wrote:
Dan Jones wrote:

Atlatl of Volcanic Eruption

I voted for this item a number of times and I do like the concept, but the thing that made me think twice about voting for this item was the price. The price is right for the effect, I'm just not convinced I'd ever buy an item that expensive unless it had some serious utility and flavor behind it.

Thanks! I'm glad you liked this. I hated the price for this thing, but math is math. :-(

I also think there were lots of obsidian weapons this year, and even a few lava items, so it didn't really stand out. I almost made it a sling instead of an atlatl, but I really like the idea of obsidian-tipped darts exploding into monster-swallowing volcanos.

Sczarni

This was the first year I entered, thank you in advance for the critiques

Coin of Chance
Aura light enchantment; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 1000 gp; Weight -
Description
These old Varisian coins, with the grinning goblin on one side and a goblin skull on the other, were made to give its owner confidence in battle and to dishearten enemies. The fate the coin affects (for good or ill) is that of the owner and his allies, not his enemies. If flipped on heads the coin owner and his allies gain a +1 luck bonus on attacks and saving throws for 3 rounds. If tails comes up the owner and his allies suffer a -1 penalty on attack and saving throws for 1 round. If held at the start of combat, the Coin of Chance can be used as a free action as part of the initiative roll, otherwise activating the coin is a swift action. The Coin of Chance can be used once per minute.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bless, bane; Cost 500 gp

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber
Robert Guthrie wrote:
I don't have time for a detailed critique (I should be working on my map or, since I'm at work, working) but I wanted to say that I LOVED the Wing of the Night Monarch and Vudrani Fighting Rope and voted for both every time. I was disappointed not to see them in the final 32!

Thanks for the kind words on my Wing, it was the first time I tried to riff from Golarion lore so I was pleased with how it turned out.

Scarab Sages

JJ Jordan - Thanks!

Will Critique for Food - Thanks for the input!

Kobold Cleaver - Thank you! Tell that Auric guy to keep it down.

Just my thoughts on stuff. Sorry if I don't get to your item, and if I do, please know it is meant as constructive criticism.

Lion's Roar
This was my favorite of the many lion themed items this year. I liked that the old Roman/Taldor element is hinted at by the elysian bronze attribute (which ties back into the lion theme). The anti-fear thing is also thematic.

However, the DR ignoring mechanic didn't seem appropriate, and it is very expensive (a problem I struggled with as well.)

Soul Shackle Bolt
This is a neat, original idea, but I was very troubled by the whole 'pin soul to life, regardless of the state of the body' aspect. That is going to be problematic in the hands of some creative players.

Sarkorian Sunderjaw
So much to like here. Great idea, solid implementation, but then we get to that last paragraph. Stealing abilities from monsters is great for players, and a nightmare for GMs.

Phase Strike Lenses
Interesting, though are they just stand alone lenses? Like contacts? I wasn't sure. Still, the stare mechanic is neat (just ask the Mesmerist) and the effects seem likely to add to the game.

Teeth of the White Death
I thought this was an interesting take on a shark theme, and well implemented. A bit too overpowered for the price however.

Chameleon Shield
This was my favorite shield. Simple, but not underpowered, with abilities I've never seen anyone apply to a shield before.

Wing of the Night Monarch
There were a lot of Desna/butterfly items this year, but I really liked this fighting fan. The fact that you needed two in order to use half of it's abilities though, not as much.

Pendant of Hidden Malice
I really thought this would make the top 32. The whole 'some things are better not seen' thing was really cool, and in general I felt like this was top notch work.

Jar of Fireflies
Great visual! The mechanics are good too, but 24k gold is a lot of money for a splash weapon. That last sentence, I know what you were trying to do, but probably did not help you in the voting.

Books of One
Probably my favorite book out of the competition, but it needed a little more to differentiate it from a telegraph machine.

Greenwarden Gauntlet
I really liked the visuals on this, but it was too expensive to justify the need to have 2 (at 71k each) in order to unlock all the abilities. Still, loved the idea.

Gebbite Officer's Shield
Now this is a Golarion item! Also, it does what my item does but better. I hate you.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.

So, it was my first attempt at RPG Superstar and I survived the culls, which I was proud of. After seeing so many items and following the discussion on the different threads, I came up with a few critiques of my own for my item:

1) Name--I wanted to convey what it did and have it be memorable, but I think the final result didn't have a lot of "oomf"

2) Could cause problems for GMs--not everyone knows the performance combat rules. But, I was going for something unique, and I didn't see any other items affecting performance combat, so I had that going for me at least!

3) The "bag of cats" problem--I thought I worded it well enough to avoid that (as I don't believe cats or other low-intelligence creatures would "observe" a battle), but I wonder if people thought the problem was still there.

What else am I missing here? Thanks for the feedback!

Axe of the Roaring Crowd
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 32,320 gp; Weight 7 lbs.
Description
This +1 furyborn hooked axe appears unremarkable until its wielder fights in front of a crowd. If the bearer of the axe of the roaring crowd is engaged in combat while being observed by at least five onlookers (sentient creatures who do not contribute to either side of the battle, excluding combatants who have yet to act), he can start a performance combat as a free action. When so used, the axe takes on a polished, glinting sheen, the slightest wounds it deals spray great arcs of blood in the air, and its missed strikes ring loudly off enemy armor.

These effects grant the wielder of the axe of the roaring crowd a +1 luck bonus on all performance combat checks. Additionally, during any performance combat, the wielder gains a luck bonus on attack rolls and weapon damage rolls equal to the number of victory points he has.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, divine favor, rage; Cost 16,320 gp

Star Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Belabras wrote:

Jar of Fireflies
Great visual! The mechanics are good too, but 24k gold is a lot of money for a splash weapon. That last sentence, I know what you were trying to do, but probably did not help you in the voting.

Belabras Thank you very much for your feedback!

I'm glad you like the visuals and that I didn't messed up the mechanics to bad!
I suspected that I didn't understod the pricing and cost model since it was my first time using it and I totally agree that the last sentence should have been left out,,,

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber
Belabras wrote:


Wing of the Night Monarch
There were a lot of Desna/butterfly items this year, but I really liked this fighting fan. The fact that you needed two in order to use half of it's abilities though, not as much.

They did originally come as a pair, but after my pit crew pointing out the rules called for a singular item, I had to adjust the design appropriately.

Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

This is my 4th entry into RPGSS and I made it past all the culls, which I found surprising (pleasantly of course). Thanks for all the up-votes I received, there was some amazing entries this year and I'm shocked at some of the ones I have seen in here that i thought were def top 32 worthy! This year really motivated me to try and reach out to more places with submissions.

Boots of the Swarming Mischief
Aura faint illusion and conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot feet; Price 15,200 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description

This footwear, easily overlooked as discarded scraps, appears as a decrepit pair of old boots fashioned from the least quality leather its tattered remains held together with lengths of old twine. When worn in swamplands, or in a sewer it conveys its wearer with the ability to become engulfed within a swarm of rats.

Upon activation, for up to 5 rounds per day the wearer is covered head to toe by hundreds of rats granting them all the traits associated with the swarm subtype as well as, upon a successful melee touch attack, the ability to utilize the rat swarm’s disease attack once per round (see the Pathfinder RPG Bestiary). The wearer, when using the swarm ability, cannot end their turn in an occupied square. While covered by the swarm, the wearer can continue to act as normal as if the swarm was not present. When the five rounds are over, or the swarm is dismissed or dispelled the user is granted invisibility as per the spell for the next 3 rounds, appearing to disperse as part of the rat swarm.

When otherwise not activated, the boots grant the wearer a +4 competence bonus to Disguise checks when attempting to appear as a commoner or beggar.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, invisibility, summon swarm; Cost 7,600 gp

Scarab Sages Star Voter Season 8

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Card Game, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

I'll critique some of the other items when I get the time, but for now I'll rattle off my Keep List:

Keeps:
Storm's Wrath
Protean Dice (mostly for the lols)
Pataphysical Crown (For a joke item, honestly surprised it didn't make it)
Crown of Primal Arcana (unoriginal, perhaps, but I loved it anyway for its interaction
Ashes of the End (rp requirement is bad, DEATH IS GOOD)
And finally...
Gentry High Hat (I WANT TO KNOW WHO MADE THIS SO I CAN SHAKE THEIR VIRTUAL HAND OH MY GOD IT'S SO COOL)

In any case, here's my item...yes, I'm aware of its edginess, which is probably why it didn't make it to the final rounds of the first round. Would still like some feedback though!

Shah’s Hookah
Aura faint conjuration and enchantment; CL 5th
Slot None; Price 6,500 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description

This hookah comes with a highly polished tube intertwined by gleaming golden statuettes of genies. While a Shah's hookah can be prepared with any alchemical substance, some substances may cause irreparable damage to both the users and the item, at the GM’s discretion. Any inherently magical substance (such as potions or alchemist’s extracts) may not be used with this item. A Shah's hookah must be set on the ground and filled with fresh water before it can be used.. It can be used by up to 4 creatures adjacent to it simultaneously, with each of them imbibing a dose as a full-round. Only one dose of a substance within is used during a round of imbibing it, regardless of how many choose to partake. A Shah's hookah can contain up to 10 doses of a single substance, and may be fully loaded as a full-round action.

The hookah, while reducing the damaging portions of drugs and magnifying their effects, make them harder to resist. All numerical effects of alchemical items imbibed from a Shah's hookah have the result increased by 50%; this does not apply to duration. In addition, all ability damage that is taken by drugs and other alchemical items that are imbibed from the Shah’s hookah is reduced by 2 (minimum 0). Finally, users of a Shah's hookah take a -4 penalty on their saving throw against addiction to the drug imbibed from the item.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, heroism, lesser restoration, creator must have 5 ranks in the Craft (alchemy) skill; Cost 3,250 gp

51 to 100 of 410 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | next > last >>
Community / Forums / Archive / Paizo / RPG Superstar™ / General Discussion / Critique My Item Please! All Messageboards

Want to post a reply? Sign in.