Critique My Item Please!

[Kobold Catgirl]

CorvusMask wrote:

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

CorvusMask wrote:

Face of the Kraken

I liked this item's visuals (so creepy). It's good that you didn't just make it a natural attack, instead giving what basically amounts to an extra pair of hands. I can't decide if I like it giving a ranged reposition attack, though—that's not what I think when I hear "tentacles". Krakens certainly don't get a reposition attack. It's the most unique thing about the item, though.

Mainly, the problems were just minor formatting glitches. "but he cannot do that" should just be "but cannot" (the rest is redundant), and the reposition ability could be explained more tidily. "Additionally, the mask also" could do without the "additionally", without the "also", or simply without both.

Overall, I liked the item, but it felt a bit cluttered with the way it was written and didn't feel like it did anything that distinctive. Maybe it didn't "grab" me, but it had a strong visual, and I definitely wouldn't mind seeing it in my campaign. I just feel like there was a much better item in here somewhere.

So if I understood right, good thing being good visuals, bad that language was awkward and item's abilities bland? :/

I'm not really surprised though, this was first time ever I created an item(not just for the contest, I don't normally do homebrew), but I got my hopes up that maybe I actually did something right since I made it to final cull X_x;

Anyway, language being awkward is something to fix with practice and reading up on grammar.. But do you have any tips on how to make the item more distinctive? Like, if you would have done the same item, what would you have done? Coming up with item concept was hard for me in first place and I feel like I still don't comprehend what makes item "memorable"...

Hm...

Well, I didn't win, so I wouldn't take my ideas as a model for anything. That said, I might have focused more attention on either the reposition or the grapple (a very silly example would be allowing the wearer to eat someone's brain after pinning them with the mask), or the tentacles' item manipulation (allowing you to reach into very narrow spaces to grab things). Instead of it giving an effective "tail" and the ability to grapple without hands and a reposition ability, I probably would have zoomed in on one or two, or tied them together somehow (someone who is grappled can be repositioned from range, like with Snatch).

Again, I'm not an expert and these may be dreadful ideas. But I felt like the variety of abilities inhibited a concise, memorable theme.

However. It's hard to give "magnitude" descriptors mid-review. These problems didn't lead to me disliking the item. Merely because I name a problem doesn't mean that problem ruined the item for me. I thought it was a good item with some flaws that kept me from loving it. They weren't to a great magnitude—this wasn't a true Swiss Army Knife. I just felt they made it harder to pick out the item's core concept.

[CripDyke]

Twisted Path wrote:

Replication Hammer
Aura strong divination and evocation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 36,324 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This polished warhammer is crafted from a single piece of cold iron. Wielders not proficient with this weapon use it as a +1 warhammer. Proficient wielders use it as a +4 warhammer when attempting to sunder a melee weapon that possesses a special ability.

If the weapon targeted by the sunder is destroyed in this manner, the wielder of the Replication Hammer may allow it to absorb one special ability of that weapon. This does not change the Replication Hammer's enhancement bonus. If the weapon that was destroyed had more than one special ability, the wielder of the Replication Hammer may choose which ability to absorb. Upon absorbing a new ability, it loses any absorbed ability it currently possesses. The Replication Hammer always retains the ability to absorb other abilities. the wielder of the Replication Hammer may choose not to absorb an ability.
Construction
Requirements Str 13, Craft Magic Arms and Armor, shatter, limited wish; Cost 18,324 gp

1. Name

Is the name so bad as to detract from the item?

No. "Replication" is not a word that I see over and over in Pathfinder. It has a clear meaning. We're good here.

2. Glance top to bottom
Glance at the formatting to see if the entry pays enough attention to what Paizo wants that this item isn't throw-away worthy. Maybe glance at a couple of other things that seem like DQs to me - a CL of 21+, a cost of 200,001 gp or more (since that’s forbidden by Paizo), maybe something else I’m not thinking about right now.

Formatting is good. Everything I see - making a weapon in a contest asking for weapon, shield, armor, or wondrous item; following format; even a glance at the match between CL and Aura strength - makes me confident that the little things are taken care of correctly.

Ooops, I spoke too soon. The name of the item is capitalized in the body text when it should always be lower case (save the first word of the name if the item begins a sentence).

Everything else being fine though, I don't grade you down for this. The fact that everything else is so good makes me think that if you were just told the rule once, you'd get it right in the future more-or-less every time.

3. Read for content
what does the item do? Is the item in an over-used design space?
Is the function understandable?

It sunders, then if a sundered item is a magic weapon, it steals an enchantment unless the wielder decides to keep the current stolen enchantment. It purges any old stolen enchantment every time an enchantment is newly stolen, but not every time the wielder has an opportunity to steal an enchantment.

There are always some sundering hammers, but it's not what I would call an "over-used" design space. I think I have a good handle on the intent of what this item is doing. Well done here.

4. Read for crunch
Is the crunch understandable?
Is it complicated?
Does it use effects that will be a pain around the gaming table?
Is it overpowered comes into play here if it would be a bad item regardless of price. Otherwise it's an underpricing issue. This doesn't mean that the item has to be worth more than 200,000 gp. An item can be overpowered if its fair market value is only 3,000 -5000 gp if the only characters who would ever want to use it are first level characters (who can't afford it - so they have to be given it - so you see the problem).
NOTE: I don't have to particularly like the approach to the crunch that you chose, so long as it works.

The crunch is understandable but lacking. For instance, I don't know what the weapon's enhancement bonus is.

We know that
1) non-proficient users wield it as a +1 warhammer. Okay. That's obviously a special case and it doesn't say what the enhancement bonus really is, just what its treated as in the special case of someone who doesn't know how to use it picking it up.
2) proficient users "use it as a +4 warhammer when attempting to sunder a melee weapon that possesses a special ability." Okay, that's obviously a special case, and the use it as language once again doesn't tell us what it IS, just what it's treated as in this special case.

So in the vast majority of cases where a proficient wielder is using it for anything other than "attempting to sunder a melee weapon that possesses a special ability" - which obviously includes even the vast majority of sunder attempts - it's got to have some sort of enhancement bonus, but what the heck is it?

It seems unlikely that the enhancement bonus would go **down** when doing it's special thing. Also, if the normal enhancement bonus was +5, the cold iron weapon would cost over 52,000 gp, which this doesn't. The enhancement bonus could be the exact same as +4, but no, it really can't be that or you wouldn't be "using it as" a +4 hammer. You'd just be using a +4 hammer.

Likewise it can't be a +1 hammer in its default mode.

So is it +2 or +3? And why am I spending all this time trying to figure it out when you could just tell me?

Arrrrrrrrgh.

Other than this, the one thing that is really wrong with the crunch is halfway forgivable because I think Weapon Qualities, Special are understandably different from Weapon Special Abilities in Paizo land. The problem is that not everyone is so fluent in Paizo-speak that an uncapitalized use of seemingly-generic words like "special ability" is going to lead to a lot of people thinking that they can steal the "deadly" quality from a non-magical katana or the "reach" quality of a non-magical spiked chain or even the "monk" special quality by sundering a non-magical stick.

I don't think this item does allow those things, but by not coming out and stating this, by not saying what you mean is a magical special ability, you're offshoring some of the design work you're supposed to do, and guaranteeing that some inexperienced gaming groups are going to think breaking a stick with this hammer allows monks to use it with flurry of blows. This is just a matter of not thinking things all the way through to their end use. You've got a clear idea of what you want to do, mostly (one more problem coming up). And you communicate the limits of that ability, I assume, in a way that is probably effective with the long time gamers. But not all gamers are long-time gamers.

Finally, besides never telling me what the enhancement bonus of this hammer is, the big sin of the crunch is that I don't know if "special abilities" (since the official term is "Weapon Special Abilities") includes the magic powers of specific magic weapons or if it includes things like "vorpal" that normally can't be given to a blunt weapon. Can the "binding" ability of a "blade of binding" be stolen? I know that "qualities" are different than "abilities" and thus you can't steal "monk" or "deadly" or "brace" or "blocking" from non-magical weapons. But just "special abilities" alone, without a link or an example or something, means there's no reason to think that I couldn't make this a monk weapon by sundering a blade of the sword saint.

Can you smash a dagger of venom to get a warhammer of venom? Why not? And what about that vorpal enchantment? Paizo says to "reroll" if you get vorpal on a weapon that doesn't deal slashing damage. So if you absorb Vorpal, does it work? Does it fail utterly? Does it cause you to absorb an ability determined by a random roll on the Weapon Special Abilities table? What in your crunch prevents any of these bad outcomes from happening?

I don't see anything, which means I'm going to have to deal with rules lawyering from a player, eventually, if I give out this weapon.

i don't need that headache when you could easily make this clear in the original item.

Last but not least - can this weapon absorb the Brilliant Energy special ability? As Paizo says, "A brilliant energy weapon ignores nonliving matter." The weapon can still be destroyed by attacking the handle (likely out of combat). But if it absorbs this property, it can never be used to sunder again.

Failing to address this one particular case isn't really "bad". But thinking your concept all the way through so you notice this problem before anyone has one in a game and write the solution into your item from the get go? To the point of noticing Brilliant Energy and sundering really conflict and can't co-exist? That's the kind of thinking things all the way through that takes crunch from competent to excellent.

5. Reading for creativity
Is this new?
Is it blindingly why-didn't-I-think-of-that simple in execution?
Does it utilize themes in such a way that different aspects of the entry all tie together well?

Last year there was an item that allowed you to destroy one magic weapon to pass on some or all of its magical properties to a new weapon. I think that was an anvil or hammer, not sure. So no, this isn't the most unusual item in the ever. But yes, it's very much a fresh design space. Good job.

The execution of the special ability is quite simple. Use the normal sundering rules. When you destroy something, chose to steal an enchantment or not. If you steal, the old one is lost. yay!

As for the creativity of your themes and imagery, you're not getting points from me. There is no description other than that it's forged from a single piece of cold iron. That doesn't preclude a leather hand-wrap. That doesn't preclude being painted bright blue. It doesn't preclude a lot of things. So it's cold iron, sure, but I have no idea what it actually looks like.

"Replication" is also problematic for me. Yes, there's a sense in which "replication" might be accurate, but the fact that you have to destroy a melee weapon with the hammer for the hammer to gain a property of that weapon ...well, if you have to destroy the old to get the property for the new, that's not creating more of something. It doesn't "duplicate" because you don't end up with twice as many of those enchantments as before. The old one is just gone. If you have to destroy the old to make the new thing just like the old, you're engaging in extraction not duplication or replication.

So while you can argue that there's a sense in which replication works, in its most obvious sense "replication" is terribly misleading.

Frankly, to me, **all** the creativity of the item is used to give it an interesting power with crunch that makes it easy to use.

Certainly those things are priorities, and it's not like you're showing no creativity, but you need to take some of the creativity you used for the power concept and the crunch and replicate it in your ability to put together a theme, in your naming, in your imagery, in your writing. Really replicate it - don't steal time from developing concept and crunch that you need to make sure those things display your creativity. Don't destroy what works in your item to fix what doesn't.

You've shown imagination in your design, but not throughout your design.

This is a middle of the road to slightly less than middle of the road performance on creativity, it seems to me.

6. Reading for audience appeal
The job is to design game products that gamers will buy. So a very legitimate question is, "Will gamers want to buy the supplement just to be able to use this item at their table?" If yes, that's a good reason to up vote.

The average player won't notice the problems with this item - like the questions surrounding sundering a dagger of venom - and will likely presume that the item works in one way or another. I think that whether the players do or don't think that they can steal enchantments from specific magic weapons, they will see this as a desirable item. It's cost is high, but you can get at least some properties at a discount by making this item then destroying another weapon.

You seem to know your audience well enough.

7. Reading for the joy of the word.
Did you write clearly?
I don't care about a typo or the misuse of a single piece of punctuation, but do you have errors or style choices that disrupt flow?
Do you have style choices that enhance the flow - are you creative with sentence structures and do you have the capacity to consider cadence when selecting from synonyms?
Does the mood of the writing reflect the mood of the item? Perhaps a droning monotonous rhythm would enhance certain items.
Have you thought through the theme of your item and made sure that every time you have an choice between two words or two phrases you select the one that furthers your theme and reinforces your imagery?
Do you add wondrous, unexpected depth under the clear surface, in which attentive readers may immerse themselves?
Most of the time this feedback will not focus on anything you've done wrong, but on moments where a designer misses an opportunity to do something amazing.

I don't have much to say here except what I've already noted - the writing lacks imagination, lacks imagery, and lacks flow.

Just writing clearly is important, and I think you mostly do that. I think that where things are unclear (like the enhancement bonus) it's not a matter of an inability to write clearly, it's a matter of taking the time to think things all the way through.

I could make specific suggestions, like swapping "Replication" for "Lodestone" since the enchantment is reproduced, but merely clings to the hammer after the destruction of the original item, and never "gets inside" the hammer, since the property is lost the moment another property sticks.

But really, you seem just not to have taken the time to craft your writing with skill and imagination the way you crafted the hammer's power or its crunch.

Take the time. It will make a big difference.

8. Rule checks:
is the item over-priced or underpriced?
What about caster level? Did you use 1st when Bane or Craft Wondrous Item has a higher level requirement?
Although the entire point of magic is to do things one could otherwise not do, nonetheless Pathfinder must have rules and I can't interpret every single conflict between an item and Pathfinder rules as simply a case of the magic of the item overcoming those rules.

I think it's a bit underpriced. I'd probably make the enhancement bonus +1 for anyone, then make the special enhancement bonus +4 for all sunder attempts. The ability to absorb magic doesn't seem connected to properties that make a weapon particularly good or bad for sundering. So, sure, you can only absorb Weapon Special Abilities from a magic melee weapon that you sunder, but if you want to use the hammer to bash a lock off the front of a chest the fact that the hammer can't absorb the special magic ability of having a bonus to the Open Lock DC doesn't make the hammer any worse at pounding the lock to pieces.

9. The extra mile
This is all about making things easier for me as your reader.

Nothing here to give you bonuses. Honestly with this item there aren't a lot of opportunities to go the extra mile, but there were some. Hyperlinking to the "Weapon Special Abilities" tables would have done a lot to clarify certain things (like the exclusion, if this is what you intended, or inclusion, if you provided an additional link to the table of specific magic weapons, of abilities unique to specific magic weapons). The link would make it obvious which abilities are able to be stolen without using up a lot of space listing them. That's the kind of thing that might have gotten you points here.

===========================

Overall verdict?

This is an item that contains only a few "mistakes" that are as simple as violations of a rule, misuse or nonuse of the format, designing the wrong type of item, etc.

This item is creative in what it does and how it does it.

This item is likely balanced in most game groups.

This item has an audience who will want to acquire and use the item.

The writing is usually but not consistently clear.

The crunch fails to clarify at least some of the ambiguities of concept

This item does not go the extra mile to make it easy for me to read and grok.

This item does not have a consistent theme that is synergistically forwarded by name, description, what it does, how it does it, and systematic creative choices.

This item does not have writing such that simply reading its entry is a pleasure.

This item is at the low end of middle of the pack items to me.

[CripDyke]

Nykidemus wrote:

CripDyke wrote:

*snip*

Wow, that was thorough.

yeah, I don't really know how to do it any other way. Anything else seems like it's not representative of my thought process.

Of course, it means that I can't review as many items, but hopefully the designers whose items I do review will a lot more from seeing my whole thought process.

I actually got the idea from the "How do you vote?" thread. That really is, more or less, how I go about voting for items, though some steps get skipped if I don't need them to distinguish between a certain pair of items. Nearly every item gets every aspect of this analysis when I first encounter it, however. Since I'm only making a binary comparison, I don't have to put it all in words the way I do here, but the format, the process seemed a very useful structure for performing a review.

So here I am. Doing very thorough reviews.

[Kalindlara]

I don't mean to be rude... but could you spoiler-tag posts that long, please?

[chaoseffect]

Jacob W. Michaels wrote:

I think where it really failed for me, though, was the last two paragraphs. Having the drawback just detracts so much from the overall item, IMO. I think it's incredibly rare to see that in Paizo's items (it feels like a really old-school aspect of gaming to me), plus never give people a reason to vote against your item in a contest like this.

A fair point. As a DM I occasionally like handing out double-edged or potentially dangerous to use items, so I wrote it with a DM audience in mind rather than players; the downside certainly wouldn't make the item something that would appeal to players, especially with the current cost.

[Template Fu]

Brigg wrote:

... <snip>

In addition to this post

ALL ITEMS FROM PAGE 1 HAVE HAIKUS!

Ummm, they don't ... you missed mine!

Wing of the Night Monarch

[CorvusMask]

Kobold Cleaver wrote:

Hm...

Well, I didn't win, so I wouldn't take my ideas as a model for anything. That said, I might have focused more attention on either the reposition or the grapple (a very silly example would be allowing the wearer to eat someone's brain after pinning them with the mask), or the tentacles' item manipulation (allowing you to reach into very narrow spaces to grab things). Instead of it giving an effective "tail" and the ability to grapple without hands and a reposition ability, I probably would have zoomed in on one or two, or tied them together somehow (someone who is grappled can be repositioned from range, like with Snatch).

Again, I'm not an expert and these may be dreadful ideas. But I felt like the variety of abilities inhibited a concise, memorable theme.

However. It's hard to give "magnitude" descriptors mid-review. These problems didn't lead to me disliking the item. Merely because I name a problem doesn't mean that problem ruined the item for me. I thought it was a good item with some flaws that kept me from loving it. They weren't to a great magnitude—this wasn't a true Swiss Army Knife. I just felt they made it harder to pick out the item's core concept.

Heh ithillid reference.

I had thought about letting it grab items from range and such like that(Though does Pathfinder have rules that tell you can't grab items from narrow spaces if you can reach them?), but I was afraid of giving it too many varied abilities and making it a Swiss Army knife... And I didn't think cutting the other ones <_<; I did kinda want tentacles to work like third arm(minus being able to attack with them), so besides reposition I didn't feel it was safe to give them abilities like that.. Should have let them at least let them grab items in range, that would have been cool..

*sigh* I feel sad I wasted this idea this early, should have developed it for year or something... Now I can't use tentacles or ranged picking up items/ranged grabbing/ranged reposition next year :(

[Kobold Catgirl]

Nah, now you introduce the Head of the Kraken, which requires that you cut off your head and replace it with the aforementioned item.

But seriously, I wouldn't worry about it. Almost everyone in this thread "wasted" an item this year, if you really regard it as a waste. It doesn't matter! We can make more!

[The Raven Black]

Here is mine ;-)

Nettlefin Sash
Aura moderate necromancy and transmutation; CL 7th
Slot chest; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
The glistening scales of this iridescent sash take a life of their own when the wearer is in combat, expanding outwards to cover her body in sharp bristling spines.

Crafted from the skin of the exotic nettlefin pufferfish, the nettlefin sash acts continuously as +1 armor spikes, except as follows:
The sash does not require being affixed to armor.
The wearer is always considered proficient in its use.
At the beginning of the wearer’s turn, she may choose to use the sash until her next turn as either a secondary natural attack or an off-hand weapon.

The sash deals damage as +1 armor spikes of the wearer’s size category.

The sash is treated as both a manufactured weapon and a natural weapon for the purpose of spells and effects that enhance or improve either manufactured weapons or natural weapons.

If the sash is worn with armor spikes, it ceases to function.

When the sharp spines of the sash deal damage, they can deliver a dose of Nettlefin Toxin poison, identical to that used by the Adaro (Bestiary 3 7).
The burning pain of the injury is soon followed by a numbing paralysis that quickly spreads throughout the creature’s body.

This ability can be used three times per day as an immediate action.

Nettlefin Toxin: injury; save Fort DC 15; frequency 1/minute for 4 minutes; effect paralyzed for 1 minute; cure 2 consecutive saves.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, poison, spike growth; Cost 9,000 gp

[CripDyke]

My review of the Crossbow of the Embracing Vine.

With the reminder from Kalindlara, I'm placing it behind a spoiler since it's just as long as the others.

Thank you, Kalindlara, this is the only place I comment that really uses spoiler tags and I tend not to remember they exist. You were right that they should be used.

Here we go:

Review of the Crossbow of the Embracing Vine:

metid wrote:

Crossbow of the Embracing Vine

Aura Moderate Evocation and Transmutation; CL 7th
Slot None; Price 56450 gp; Weight 8 lbs.
Description
This +1 heavy crossbow is entirely created from deep, red wood. Vines are carved into the crossbow, twisting along all of its surfaces, enhanced with a light scattering of dim gold flecks in its leaves. Its string shares this golden sheen. Attached to the front of the crossbow is a small wooden grip.

As long as the crossbow is wielded in two hands, a red vine with golden leaves grows from the weapon and wraps comfortably around both of the wielder’s hands, giving the wielder an additional +1 on attack rolls with the weapon.

At will, the wielder can extend the grip and plant it into solid terrain. Taking root, the vines grasp the wielder’s arms and legs, stabilizing them. This whole process takes 1 minute of concentration without moving from the starting position to complete. The user can crouch or lie prone while using this ability.

When this is done, the crossbow’s range increment increases by 25 feet, the bonus to attack rolls increases to +3, and the crossbow gains a bonus to damage equal to half of the wielder's dexterity modifier. The wielder also gains a +2 bonus to their CMD against bull rush attempts. Finally, the wielder cannot move and loses their dexterity bonus to armor class. As a full-round action, the wielder can unroot the crossbow, returning the vines and grip to their normal position without affecting the terrain in any way.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Cat’s Grace, Control Plants; Cost 28050 gp

1. Name

Is the name so bad as to detract from the item?

Nope. I don't like names of this form (Noun of the Adjective Noun) because they feel overdone to me. Some names of that form are bad enough to detract if they don't have any evocative imagery (or at least no coherent imagery, or if the imagery created by part of the name conflicts somehow with imagery created by another part of the name).

That's not this item. The name's form feel tired, but the word choices themselves do not. Therefore name it as thou wilt.

2. Glance top to bottom
Glance at the formatting to see if the entry pays enough attention to what Paizo wants that this item isn't throw-away worthy. Maybe glance at a couple of other things that seem like DQs to me - a CL of 21+, a cost of 200,001 gp or more (since that’s forbidden by Paizo), maybe something else I’m not thinking about right now.

Commas missing from the prices stand out. I'd always been taught that if the thousands are in the single digits you can dispense with the comma for that 4 digit number ...but I've never been taught you can dispense with it in 5 digit or longer numbers. Therefore that looks more like a careless error than omitting a comma from a 4 digit number which might be generally acceptable but violates Paizo's style guidelines. I'd rather the error come from simply not knowing a specific piece of a specific company's style guidelines. A careful person will incorporate the new information and the mistake will only be made once. A careless person? Who knows how many mistakes they might make in the future and where those mistakes might turn up?

In general, however, this is well formatted. I make that point only to show that some types of errors are preferable to other types of errors. I do not make that point because I think you're particularly careless or that you're careless to the point of causing a problem.

This passes the glance test.

3. Read for content
what does the item do? Is the item in an over-used design space?
Is the function understandable?

The item converts someone proficient with a crossbow into a skilled sniper.

Sniping is definitely not an over-used design space. Even ranged weapon enhancements don't necessarily touch on actual sniping.

The function is clearly communicated. I have a solid idea of what it's supposed to do if a player wants a ruling on a corner case relating to the crunch of how it does it.

4. Read for crunch
Is the crunch understandable?
Is it complicated?
Does it use effects that will be a pain around the gaming table?
Is it overpowered comes into play here if it would be a bad item regardless of price. Otherwise it's an underpricing issue. This doesn't mean that the item has to be worth more than 200,000 gp. An item can be overpowered if its fair market value is only 3,000 -5000 gp if the only characters who would ever want to use it are first level characters (who can't afford it - so they have to be given it - so you see the problem).
NOTE: I don't have to particularly like the approach to the crunch that you chose, so long as it works.

The crunch is actually unusually clear. You've reduced "being supported in your sniper fire by a loving, symbiotic vine" to specific bonuses that apply in clearly defined situations. You also avoid swift and free actions, which isn't necessary but does avoid the pitfalls of those choices which frequently break the legs of unwary items. Frankly, I love the fact that you make uprooting the vines a full round action. Bold choice, and it very much works with your theme.

It's not a SAK, in my opinion, because it does one thing that has multiple effects (and the effects are greater or lesser depending on whether you allow the vines to root, but still, same basic effect of steadying the wielder). It doesn't do multiple different things that each have an unrelated effect.

5. Reading for creativity
Is this new?
Is it blindingly why-didn't-I-think-of-that simple in execution?
Does it utilize themes in such a way that different aspects of the entry all tie together well?

Yes. This is new. Even if another crossbow did "magic steadying" I can't remember any item using plant growth to steady a character for any reason.

Is it intuitive in its execution? Heck yeah!

Does it utilize themes in such a way that different aspects of the entry tie together well? Heck yeah!

Name: vines
Description: vines
Effect: vines grab you, sometimes root, and use their own plant-slowness/plant-stability to slow down and stabilize the wielder.
Crunch: I don't see anything. Your good use of clear, simple bonuses make it harder to integrate the language of the crunch itself into the theme. Remember that although this is crunch, and keeping it simple and clear is good, if you can use a broad vocabulary to express the rules in such a way that they remain simple and clear while still exploiting the imagery of your theme, that's even better.

One example? You say that the "bonus to attack rolls increases to +3" when the vines take root.

Why wouldn't you say that the "bonus to attack rolls grows to +3"? You've got a plant theme growing here. Keep it alive. Don't make your crunch a confusing thicket but do keep the language you use for the crunch as integrated with your theme as a branch to a trunk.

these aren't the best examples, but you see what I'm getting at. "Grows" is only a small part of the work you could do to make the entry more consistently evocative of your theme, but getting things to that level of detail will take time. Just having name, description, and effect all support each other as well as they do is much better than most of your competition.

Apart from the language in your crunch (like choices between synonyms), there was one other obvious way that you could have integrated the theme into the crunch.

Yes, you're getting steadied, and yes all your bonuses can be readily justified by that. But part of the job of a sniper is to become part of the environment so as not to be noticed.

How much more part of the environment can you get than having the vines literally grow from your weapon? I mean, dang. This weapon should grant camouflage bonuses in natural areas. It just should, dammit.

The takeaway from this section, even if I do have suggestions for some amount of improvement?

You are obviously creative, and it shows.

6. Reading for audience appeal
The job is to design game products that gamers will buy. So a very legitimate question is, "Will gamers want to buy the supplement just to be able to use this item at their table?" If yes, that's a good reason to up vote.

Oh, yes. There's definitely an audience that would like to ambush opponents from range. There's definitely an audience that likes sneaking to avoid risk. While some urban characters or other characters with a strong theme that doesn't work with entangling vines might choose not to try to acquire this crossbow even if they are interested in sniper's work...I swear that a ton of sneaky characters would be interested in tweaking their characters in order to make them more compatible with this weapon. Your imagery isn't the absolute most magical and compelling in the ever, but your creativity is very strong and your imagery is good and your theme well-connected. There are a good number of players who will see such a crossbow as enhancing their character's cool as well as their character's abilities.

i don't play snipers and am unlikely to. I know that I'm not the audience for this item in that sense. But heck yeah I'd be happy to have one of my NPCs use this when I'm game mastering.

I kind of feel like the cool factor of this item is a bit shy of outrageous or amazing. I feel like I've seen other items with as much cool and in a few cases even that bit more that makes them stand out for sheer cool.

But this item is nearly there AND it has good powers AND they are in an under-used design space AND the crunch won't turn off any DMs or players.

This is a very marketable item.

7. Reading for the joy of the word.
Did you write clearly?
I don't care about a typo or the misuse of a single piece of punctuation, but do you have errors or style choices that disrupt flow?
Do you have style choices that enhance the flow - are you creative with sentence structures and do you have the capacity to consider cadence when selecting from synonyms?
Does the mood of the writing reflect the mood of the item? Perhaps a droning monotonous rhythm would enhance certain items.
Have you thought through the theme of your item and made sure that every time you have an choice between two words or two phrases you select the one that furthers your theme and reinforces your imagery?
Do you add wondrous, unexpected depth under the clear surface, in which attentive readers may immerse themselves?
Most of the time this feedback will not focus on anything you've done wrong, but on moments where a designer misses an opportunity to do something amazing.

You write clearly. Moreover, you really think through your ideas and concepts, you think through the implications of your crunch, and you use that thinking to create an item that feels complete. Your writing also flows. It's not got the best flow ever, but it's above average. It never takes you out of your reading rhythm because of confusion with one thing or the mis-punctuation of another.

The imagery still feels a step shy of awesomely evocative, which is, of course, where you'd always like to be.

Nonetheless, its within a single range increment of awesomely evocative. You can get there from here. Really.

You've thought through your ideas, now step back from your writing long enough to see it afresh. Read it again. Are there any opportunities to wrap your theme more tightly around the item? Is there any language that doesn't work? Are there any conflicts between some things you say and other things you say? Even if they can be resolved by rereading, we don't want people to have to re-read.

We want people to want to re-read for the sheer joy of it.

So let's take one thing that I noticed:

Quote:

This +1 heavy crossbow is entirely created from deep, red wood.

conflicts with

Quote:

Its string shares this golden sheen.

It has a string? The string isn't wood? The string isn't red?

It seems like what you really meant, but unfortunately didn't say, was:

Quote:

This +1 heavy crossbow is created from deep red wood, and golden vines (with green leaves?).

(as an aside, first notice that I removed the comma between deep and red. Yes, when you have two adjectives modifying a noun, you separate them with commas. But you don't separate an adverb from the adjective it modifies. Here, with the comma you're saying the wood is red AND the wood is "deep", whatever that means. Without the comma you're saying the wood is a deep red. That makes more sense.)

First, you don't want the "string" of the crossbow made of carved wood. So now you're in a position of whether it should be something like twisted bark or whether the string should itself be a vine. I vote decidedly for the latter.

Next, why should the vines be carved into the crossbow? When the crossbow was "entirely" wood, that made some sense. I mean, it didn't make sense why you'd said "entirely", but given that you had, it was absolutely appropriate for you to stick with the choice you'd made and describe the vine as a carving.

Now, however, we need a living, flexible vine to be the crossbow string, so we might as well make all the vines decorating the crossbow to be living vine.

I suggest the green leaves because the red wood you see only after stripping a tree of its bark, and sometimes not even until you cut in to the heartwood, isn't associated with the capacities of plant growth. How could it be when you cut deep into the tree before you can find that solid wood? Vines grow, and grow quickly, true. But remember that plants get the food for their growth from the photosynthesis of their chloroplasts. The vines themselves aren't green, so the energy for growth has to come from the leaves.

So make the leaves green.

I mentioned that nothing takes the reader out of the flow, but neither do you have a good intrinsic rhythm to your prose here. I suggest trying to read it aloud. Tinker with it. Make the flow and rhythm even better, even smoother. Then try to sing it. Fit it to any song you want. Change songs with the paragraphs if you need to do so, but not within a paragraph. Make the changes you need to make singing this entry as effortless as it is possible for you to make it.

Now you're approaching an entry that isn't merely easy to read, but joyous to read.

I'm suggesting you take on even more here than I've suggested for others in this section of my reviews.

Why?

You're doing well here, but you can do even better. i believe in you.

8. Rule checks:
is the item over-priced or underpriced?
What about caster level? Did you use 1st when Bane or Craft Wondrous Item has a higher level requirement?
Although the entire point of magic is to do things one could otherwise not do, nonetheless Pathfinder must have rules and I can't interpret every single conflict between an item and Pathfinder rules as simply a case of the magic of the item overcoming those rules.

Nothing about this strikes me as breaking the rules. I'd have to look into how big a difference +25 feet to range increment can really make. That sounds like it might be a bit much, but honestly I couldn't make that decision without play testing a bit, so you've done as much as you can there - the publisher can schedule some play testing if the supplement is big enough and important enough. In any case, it's not something that simply breaks Pathfinder. It doesn't violate their design rules.

In fact, the brilliance of your item is really the conservatism you bring to crunch, the respect you have for Paizo's work and rules and expectation, being combined with a truly new, uncontemplated effect. There's no spell designed specifically to help snipers that you could use as a template for the crossbow's powers. But you go ahead and design for the space anyway. You know that action economy is place of consistent pressure, and you design an item that makes the most out of being slow. Good snipers shouldn't be in a hurry anyway. Being able to see and then choose that design space that's new but that doesn't challenge Pathfinder's rules or spirit, and then exploiting that design space with a truly new effect that doesn't need more than a bit of description and some easily enumerated bonuses and penalties?

Dang, that's good.

There is a weak point, though. You consistently use untyped bonuses. This just should not be.

The range bonus should be an enhancement bonus. The CMD bonus should be a circumstance bonus.

You can do this, but you also need to do this. There's nothing prohibiting untyped bonuses, but you shouldn't use them unless you have a very good reason. Even choosing a bonus type that usually stacks with other bonuses of its type - like a circumstance bonus - is much better than leaving a bonus untyped.

9. The extra mile
This is all about making things easier for me as your reader.

You didn't exploit any hyperlinks or methods of organizing information visually or other tricks to make the text communicate more than the word count would imply.

This is another area you could learn to exploit.

=============================

Overall verdict?

This is an item that contains only a very few "mistakes" that are as simple as violations of a rule, misuse or nonuse of the format, designing the wrong type of item, etc.

This item is creative in what it does and how it does it.

This item is likely balanced in most game groups.

This item has an audience who will want to acquire and use the item.

The writing is clear.

The crunch is clear in all aspects, but the failure to specify bonus types - while being clear in its effect - is probably inappropriate.

This item does not go the extra mile to make it easy for me to read and grok.

This item does have a consistent theme that is synergistically forwarded by name, description, and what it does. This could be enhanced even further by carrying the theme through the language of how the item does what it does, and by systematic creative choices (such as between synonyms).

This item is close to having writing such that simply reading its entry is a pleasure, but it's not quite there yet.

This item was in my top 32. I felt that in all areas you were just shy of "awesome". While never quite getting to "awesome" might seem bad, getting close to awesome every single time (except maybe for the name, which I don't really grade on unless it's terrible) creates a very high average. An item that gets to awesome in one or two areas but is only average in two or 3 generally loses to your item.

The really scary thing is that there's substantial room for improvement and evidence that you can make that improvement if given a chance. This was a very good effort and I really wanted to see what you would do in future rounds.

maybe next year.

[Zombieneighbours]

Hungry Ghost Incense
Aura faint abjuration and conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 150 gp; Weight —.
Description
This light grey stick of incense smells faintly like rotting flesh. When lit, it burns away rapidly, creating smoke that fills a 10-foot cube (treat the effect as a fog cloud spell, except that a moderate or stronger wind dissipates the smoke in 1 round, and it does not obscure vision or provide any form of concealment). The stick is consumed after 1 round, and the smoke dissipates naturally after 1 minute.

The smoke prevents incorporeal undead from making physical contact with living creatures within the smoke. As a result, the natural weapon attacks of incorporeal undead to fail when targeted against living creatures within the smoke.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, protection from evil, fog cloud; Cost 75 gp

[Brigg]

Template Fu wrote:

Brigg wrote:

... <snip>

In addition to this post

ALL ITEMS FROM PAGE 1 HAVE HAIKUS!

Ummm, they don't ... you missed mine!

Wing of the Night Monarch

Son of a....!!!! X.x

I'm on it!

[Fiendish Zen]

Hi :)

Offering my item up for critique, I've already gotten some pointers from reading the reviews on other items here (should have alphabetised the spell requirements!) so this thread has already helped!

Thanks in advance for any feedback :)

*

Snowfall
Aura moderate evocation and abjuration; CL 11th; Weight 4 lbs.; Price 26,315 gp
Description
The pommel of this +1 frost longsword contains a miniature snowscape inside a crystal globe, tiny snowflakes whirling endlessly around an indistinct dark shape. The razor-edged blade glows with a pale blue radiance and sheds tendrils of translucent mist as it moves.

When used to successfully strike a creature, as a swift action the wielder can expend a memorized spell or spell per day slot to have that creature sheathed in a layer of frost, causing them to become entangled for a number of rounds equal to the level of spell used to activate this ability. A creature immune to cold damage is immune to this effect.

The wielder has Fire Resistance 5 whilst holding the sword, as the weapon hungrily drinks in the warmth around it, the hilt always ice-cold to the touch. Creatures native to the Plane of Fire, with the Fire Creature template or vulnerability to cold have a particular dislike of this weapon, and where possible will always choose to target the wielder with their attacks over any other opponent.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Rime Spell, resist energy, ice storm; Cost 13,315 gp

[Martijn Donker]

Hi,

Think the items was a little to much of an SAK after seeing other entries in this contest and it could do a little more work on the hides, but please critique my item anyway.

Thank you.

Junglestrider Raiment
Aura moderate transmutation and faint abjuration and conjuration; CL 7th
Slot armor; Price 13,590 gp; Weight 12.5 lbs.

Description

Favored by those to hunt in tropical lands, where many large dangers stalk the jungle and savanna. This light airy +1 bitter darkleaf cloth hide is have been assembled from different kinds of linen, small hides and darkleaf cloth strips giving this armor a tattered and feral look. This effectively granting the wearer the same bonuses as a hot weather outfit, providing a +2 bonus on fortitude saves to resist warm or hot weather.

While not in an urban area the wearer of this armor gain the ability to ignore any sort undergrowth and natural difficult terrain, allowing you to make 5-ft. steps within this terrain.

On command as a standard action the armor while sprout leafs and twigs and cover your body to take a shape of humanoid-plant-animal hybrid creature, resembling lycanthrope hybrid form. The shape you take is depending on the hide that is used in the armor. You can use the ability for 5 minutes per day. These rounds do not need to be consecutive.

While in hybrid form you gain the scent, low-light vision, and a +2 natural armor bonus on top of the armor bonus. And retain the ability to cast spells and use items.

Ape hide: you gain a 30 ft. climb speed.
Pteranodon hide: you gain a 30 ft. fly speed (average maneuverability).
Lizard hide: you gain a 30 ft. swim speed.

The armor has an arcane spell failure chance of 10%, a maximum Dexterity bonus of +6, and no armor check penalty. It is considered light armor.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, beast shape I, feather step, resistance; Cost 6,795 gp

[Darklord Morius]

Please, you may go Nova.

Kilt of the Warriors Ancestors

Aura moderate necromancy; CL 12th

Slot belt; Weight 1 lb.; Price 36,000 gp

This twill woven garment resembles a pleated skirt, but is knee high and with buckles and plates for extra protection and embelishment. The kilt is woven with the blessings of spirits of great warriors ancestors. Thanks to that, as long as the user impress the warriors ancestors, he receives greater power in battle, but they also are easly bored. When the user hit an melee attack in an opponent in combat, he gains +1 bonus on attack and damage on all his attacks in the next round. This bonus increases by +1 for each round that the user made a successfull attack against an opponent (up to a maximum of +4 attack and +4 damage).
Adittionaly, instead of accepting the atack and damage increases, he may combine a move action or a charge with a full attack in his next round. He can make any number of attacks after, before or during this movement.
If the user stays at least one round without making an attack or receiving one in combat, he bores the Warriors Ancestors, his bonuses are reset to 0 and he becomes staggered on the next round. After this, if the user pass another round without attacking or receiving one in combat, the kilt ceases to function for the rest of the encounter or for one minute, whichever lasts longer.

Construction Requirements

Craft Wondrous Item, Deadly Juggernaut; Cost 18,000 gp

[Lucky Pips]

Thanks in advance to everyone who how takes the time to critique this!

Soul-Wrenching Spear
Aura moderate conjuration and necromancy [evil]; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 20,182 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This +2 ghost touch spear is made of pitch black wood, and glows with a pale, ghastly light. When a living humanoid is slain by a critical hit from the spear a portion of its soul is ripped free and trapped within the weapon. Only one soul fragment may be held in this way at a time. If the victim is restored to life while the soul fragment is still held in the spear it suffers one permanent negative level, in addition to any additional penalties from being raised. This permanent negative level may not be restored while the spear holds the victim’s soul fragment, but is instantly restored once it is released.

Once per day, as a standard action, a spear containing a soul fragment may be activated by driving it into the ground. Activating the weapon summons a poltergeist (see Bestiary 2) for one minute. Poltergeists summoned by the spear are considered to be site bound to the spear’s location, and do not rejuvenate if destroyed. The poltergeist attacks any living creatures except the activator. Once activated, the spear must be left in its current position to continue functioning. Removing or destroying the spear immediately ends the effect and releases the soul fragment. Once one minute has passed, or if either the poltergeist or spear are destroyed, the effect ends and the soul fragment is released.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, create undead, plane shift; Cost 10091 gp

[Paul Migaj]

Hello and thank you for your thoughts, advice and critique of my item:

Armor of Burden
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot armor; Price 6750 gp; Weight 45 lbs.
Description
This +1 Splint Mail is embossed with an image of a squire carrying the equipment of his knight. Once per day, the wearer of the armor may command it to impose its burden upon a creature within 120 feet. That creature must make a DC 14 Fortitude saving throw, or suffer the -6 armor check penalty, 40% arcane spell failure chance, and any non-proficiency penalty as if they were wearing a suit of Splint Mail for 1d4 rounds. While another creature is so affected, the Armor of Burdens imposes no armor check penalty or arcane spell failure chance upon its wearer.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Bestow Curse, Spectral Hand; Cost 3375 gp

[Rei]

First time entering, did so in a massive time crunch and was too shy to get workshopped (doing so next time if I participate!). As a result, my item is riddled with flaws both mechanical and flavor-related.

Skinkfinger Gloves
Aura faint conjuration and divination; CL 5th
Slot hands; Price 9,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These short gloves have a fastening strap around the wrist, and appear to be made of colorful, striped lizard skin.
When an individual with the bloodline class feature wears these gloves, they can expend one use of any of their bloodline abilities that have uses per day and designate that charge to one of their fingers, storing it within; after doing so, they can detach that finger as a standard action. Detaching a finger deals 1d8 points of maximum hit point penalty, plus an additional amount of penalty equal to the class level at which the used ability is attained. This penalty cannot be removed until the detached finger is destroyed. A detached finger cannot be reattached.
As a standard action, the bearer of a detached finger can break the finger to activate the stored charge. This destroys the finger, leaving behind a pile of tiny scales, and activates the bloodline ability as if the breaker of the finger had activated the power, using all statistics of the creator of the finger. A detached finger is also destroyed if its charge is not expended within 24 hours, or if it is taken more than 100 feet away from its creator. Upon the destruction of a finger, its original owner gains fast healing 1 for a number of rounds equal to the penalty taken upon detaching the finger, and the penalty is removed.
Skinkfinger gloves cannot be removed while the wearer has fingers missing. A finger cannot be detached if detaching it would leave the hand with fewer than two fingers.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blood biography, infernal healing; Cost 4750 gp

This item contains the following errors:
- name is terrible and I should have foreseen the confusion it caused in the Seen Items list, so sorry you guys
- theme and mechanic is terrible - nobody likes a self-mutilation item
- forgot infernal healing isn't on the PRD - curse you, PFS, for making me think that spell is a standard everywhere
- above spell also probably not strong enough for the regrowth effect
- ...which I forgot to include: there was supposed to be a sentence stating removed fingers grow back when the fast healing activates
- price is wrong
- very minor formatting mistake, forgot to italicize name of item in text

Are there any other things wrong with this? Please do tell.

[Tommi Brander]

Thank you for any and all comments. Here's my item. I have some notes and specific questions at the end, but feel free to give general critique also.

Fluttering sphere
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 9000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
Up to seven swallowtail butterflies fly around in this translucent sphere, often carried by the favored of Desna. On command the sphere dissolves and each of the residents flies to an unoccupied spot within 60 feet, multiplying into a flutter of incorporeal butterflies occupying a square 5 feet on a side. The user of the item selects where the flutters form. The flutters provide concealment.

Any creature of Medium size or smaller entering a flutter teleports into another random flutter as though they had cast dimension door. The teleporting creature may not take other creatures with them. The destination flutter scatters. Random flutter also vanishes every ten minutes.

When only single flutter remains, it gathers and solidifies into a translucent sphere. Each dawn, a new butterfly appears within the sphere, until there are seven. The sphere may be activated when there is at least one butterfly within.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door; Cost 4500 gp

--

Notes and questions:

Commas are missing in the price and cost.

The name sucks. Any general principles or best practices for naming items?

I added a last-minute "favored by Desna"-reference. Should I make such references explicit or rather leave them implicit? This was a lazy way to add a reference, but I suppose it could be done better.

I had and still have no idea about the price. It is probably too high, but I really don't know. Any pointers?

[hewhocaves]

Have at it :)

Thieving Bookmark
Aura weak transmutation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 3500 gp; Weight —
Description

This innocuous item is an elegant ribbon of any color, of the type used to hold one’s place in an expensive tome. It may be used as a mundane bookmark without its magic being drained.

To use, the bookmark is placed between the blank pages of a book and activated. It is then removed and placed between the written pages of another book. If left for an hour, writing and images are removed from the written book and placed in the blank book. Removal begins with the pages touching the bookmark and proceeds forward. Up to 30 pages of non-magical writing or 10 pages of magical writing can be moved. Magical protections like glyph of warding or explosive runes are bypassed and not transferred.

A thieving bookmark cannot transfer scrolls or magical books that do not grant spells. Secret page causes the illusory text to be copied and also dispels the effect. If a spell would continue beyond the remaining available pages, that spell is not transferred. If the blank book runs out of pages, subsequent pages are lost to both books. If the bookmark is moved before the hour ends, the magic simply fails.

Regardless of the result, an hour after being placed inside the second book the thieving bookmark vanishes.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, memorize page, comprehend languages, erase, creator must be able to scribe scrolls: Cost 1750 gp

[Nykidemus]

CripDyke wrote:

Nykidemus wrote:

CripDyke wrote:

*snip*

Wow, that was thorough.

yeah, I don't really know how to do it any other way. Anything else seems like it's not representative of my thought process.

Of course, it means that I can't review as many items, but hopefully the designers whose items I do review will a lot more from seeing my whole thought process.

I actually got the idea from the "How do you vote?" thread. That really is, more or less, how I go about voting for items, though some steps get skipped if I don't need them to distinguish between a certain pair of items. Nearly every item gets every aspect of this analysis when I first encounter it, however. Since I'm only making a binary comparison, I don't have to put it all in words the way I do here, but the format, the process seemed a very useful structure for performing a review.

So here I am. Doing very thorough reviews.

Oh absolutely not a criticism. Do me!

[Wolin]

Kilt of the Warrior Ancestors

The big thing you're up against here is the good ol' Belt of Giant's Strength +4. The belt is a little cheaper and gives a flat +2 on attack and damage rolls, or +3 if you're going two-handed. Also on Strength Checks, CMD, Strength based skill checks, carrying capacity &c..

By comparison, your item takes a minimum of 3 rounds to 'charge up' to give the same bonus (Round one gives no bonus, +1 on round 2 and +2 on round 3). If for whatever reason you miss with your attacks (say something turns invisible, or gets mirror image up, or you just get a bad roll), more than just losing your hard-earned bonuses, you're also staggered. Not fun.

The thing where you can move and attack in a ki hurricane like style is cool though - Very strong. You needed to limit the number of attacks in it rather than allowing "any number" of attacks, but I knew what you meant. Definitely wanted a limited number of uses a day as well.

Personally, I would have ignored the first effect completely - It's much weaker than its obvious competition and I skimmed over its much more fun secondary ability a number of times since it was comparatively short.

Presumably English isn't your first language, which I'm not going to hold against you for the purposes of this critique. It's pretty well done if you're not a native speaker. However, it's a huge turn off during the actual voting, and that was probably a big source of down-votes. I'd recommend that you get the language checked if you submit again to avoid that sort of problem.

Armour of Burden

This I thought had promise. It's a fairly simple concept, but one that is well described flavourwise. Nice and easy to picture it.

Mechanically I feel it works very well. Clear and concise. It's an interesting anti-arcane caster ability - make them suffer that hefty 40% spell failure chance! I think you probably did a good job of not making it hugely exploitable by arcane casters dumping it on their familiars or what have you, but it does make the ability slightly underwhelming for other purposes.

You got upvotes from me fairly regularly up until the final cull.

[Davic The Grey]

Staff of Perfect Harmony
Aura: Moderate Abjuration; CL13th
Slot None; Price 53,000 gp; Weight8 lbs.
Description
This +3 quarterstaff is made from entwined darkwood and ivory, capped on each end with a warding palm made of electrum. The wielder of the Staff of Perfect Harmony can sunder a spell that targets her or a spell that includes her in it's area of effect as an immediate action, as the barbarian rage power spell sunder. Instead of surpressing the effect upon exceeding the CMD of the spell, the wielder instead gains a +2 circumstance bonus on the save to resist the spell, or +3 if she exceeded the CMD by 5 to 9. If the effect would be completely dispelled it still affects other targets and creatures as normal. This ability is useable three times per day. If the wielder if a monk of at least 9th level, she can expend 3 points from her ki pool to use this ability instead.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Improved Sunder, Dispel Magic, creator must be a monk of at least 9th level; Cost 26,500 gp

Thanks in advance, feel free to rip me apart.

[Captain Phoenix]

Ghostly Tome
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 40,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
Strewn with cobwebs, this pale tome appears to fade from view when moved into shadow.

When preparing spells, an arcane spellcaster may choose to inscribe up to five of her spells within the ghostly tome, paying the material cost of each spell as required. Spells inscribed in this way count towards her daily allotment of spells. Spells cast from the ghostly tome which target incorporeal creatures do not suffer the usual 50% penalty for affecting an incorporeal creature. Spells cast from the ghostly tome affect corporeal creatures normally.

Once cast, the spell's inscription fades from the book’s pages, becoming illegible. A new spell may be inscribed when the character has free spell slots available.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Craft (books), Empower Spell, imbue with spell ability; Cost 20,000 gp

I'd love any feedback you have to offer.
edit: I believe I survived all the culls, if anyone knows otherwise, I'd love to know too.

[JJ Jordan]

hewhocaves wrote:

Thieving Bookmark

Cool, well-written item. Would be a great story/plot/adventure specific item but it's a little niche for a book of magic items.

I read this item and want to read more things from you.

[Jacob W. Michaels]

Tommi Brander wrote:

Fluttering sphere

...

--

Notes and questions:

Commas are missing in the price and cost.

The name sucks. Any general principles or best practices for naming items?

I added a last-minute "favored by Desna"-reference. Should I make such references explicit or rather leave them implicit? This was a lazy way to add a reference, but I suppose it could be done better.

I had and still have no idea about the price. It is probably too high, but I really don't know. Any pointers?

I liked your item a lot; I think it was my favorite of the butterfly items and I would have expected to see it in the Top 32 over the figurine and brooch, honestly. I think its biggest problem is the randomness of it; because you can't determine which flutter you end up in (or even who uses them), it's hard to use this item tactically (you'd almost be encouraged to use it every other day, so you know where you're going to end up). It could also end up getting left behind easily depending where the last flutter forms.

I didn't mind the name -- I have a strong bias toward names that don't use "of the," which this doesn't. I might try to get more reference to what it does in there; Flickering sphere? Flutterfly sphere?

I would leave "favored by" implicit. If it's butterfly-themed, I think we can all assume it's got a Desna flavor. In addition, players who aren't involved with Desna will hopefully like your item.

I'm OK with the price. The randomness and slow recharge method definitely should make it cheaper.

[Captain Phoenix]

Wolin wrote:

Security Blanket

I thought it was a well designed item, but the obvious name ruined it for me. If the name had been smarter, this would have won my vote again and again. Still got some votes though.

Some ideas off the top of my head:

Sanctified stole / Stole of Sanctification / Mothers Comfort / Down of the Dawnflower / Cloak of Comfort...

[Wolin]

metid wrote:

Crossbow of the Embracing Vine

Yep, that's a price mess up there, like you said. Standard +5 heavy crossbow costs a little less, giving +5 on attack and damage rolls and overcoming DR Silver, Cold Iron, Adamantine and Alignment.

By comparison, you're giving +5 on attack rolls, +1 +0.5*Dex mod on damage rolls, +25 feet of range, +2 CMD vs bull rush and losing Dexterity to AC.

You need a whopping +8 dexterity modifier to make the damage equal to its competitor, and that's not taking any DR into consideration. By that point, it's probably cheaper to increase the enhancement bonus on the weapon than it is to increase your Dexterity.

It's a strong Sniper's Crossbow vibe I get from it, since you're increasing the range and staying really still. If it were me, I probably would have condensed it so it was just a +5 heavy crossbow that has the vine's range extension, CMD bonus and loss of Dexterity bonus to AC. Maybe including a Sniper's Goggles like effect when using that mode to make up for the loss of dexterity bonus (or taking that bit out completely)

It's nice, image-rich design, but I think I'm missing the point of how somehow being wrapped in a tree helps you aim better.

EDIT: Thanks for that feedback, Captain Phoenix (and Brigg and Dieben too; sorry for neglecting you earlier). I do sympathise that the name was maybe off-putting, but as I mentioned in my own critique, I thought that the fun factor was better than a more conventional name.
Thanks for your votes, and helping me pass all the culls!

[Jacob W. Michaels]

Template Fu wrote:

Wing of the Night Monarch

...

Its ivory guard sticks bearing eight stars.

...

AA, honestly I was a bit frustrated when I saw your item (which was only once during the voting that I remember). I'd seen it during development as you know and thought it was your best item yet. But the submitted version felt much more clunky.

The second-to-last sentence definitely didn't work for you -- ranged attacks in melee combat typically provoke an attack of opportunity, but I don't know if that holds true for this. I also don't know if I can NOT make a butterfly attack to start off when using these items if I don't want to if I have multiple attacks.

And the sentence I quoted above was a fragment that certainly wasn't in early drafts and definitely turned me off as a voter.

[Darklord Morius]

Wolin wrote:

Kilt of the Warrior Ancestors

Good critique going on here

Hey, thanks!

Yeah, English it's not my native language, i'll double check next time.

Essentially, it's the same cost as Belt of Giant's Strength +6. I'm sorry i wasn't clear enough, but you only loose the bonuses and become staggered when you don't attack (successful or not) or received any attack (again no matter if it was a hit). If you do an unsuccessful attack, the only drawback is that your bonuses don't go up.

I intentionally avoided putting usage per day, instead i've put a drawback system. I'll bet safe next time and avoid drawbacks and try to go with usages per day.

[Anthony Adam]

Jacob W. Michaels wrote:

Template Fu wrote:

Wing of the Night Monarch

...

Its ivory guard sticks bearing eight stars.

...

AA, honestly I was a bit frustrated when I saw your item (which was only once during the voting that I remember). I'd seen it during development as you know and thought it was your best item yet. But the submitted version felt much more clunky.

The second-to-last sentence definitely didn't work for you -- ranged attacks in melee combat typically provoke an attack of opportunity, but I don't know if that holds true for this. I also don't know if I can NOT make a butterfly attack to start off when using these items if I don't want to if I have multiple attacks.

And the sentence I quoted above was a fragment that certainly wasn't in early drafts and definitely turned me off as a voter.

From what I have seen in the books etc, you tend to say when something doesnt provoke and rely on the rules for when it does, so I didn't think I needed to call that out for that reason. So, yes, it should provoke because it doesn't say otherwise.

Didn't spot the last bit myself or from my final check pit crew - gah! The intent was you can always use the butterfly option even if you only have one attack.

Ah well, on the plus side, I kept Template Fu alive - and next year, with my current work load, I think I will be banned from entering anyway, so Template Fu shall live forever - or at least for as long as I do :P

[hewhocaves]

JJ Jordan wrote:

hewhocaves wrote:

Thieving Bookmark

Cool, well-written item. Would be a great story/plot/adventure specific item but it's a little niche for a book of magic items.

I read this item and want to read more things from you.

Thank you! I want to write more things to be read. I'm going to submit something for the next Wayfinder, I think.

[JJ Jordan]

hewhocaves wrote:

JJ Jordan wrote:

hewhocaves wrote:

Thieving Bookmark

Cool, well-written item. Would be a great story/plot/adventure specific item but it's a little niche for a book of magic items.

I read this item and want to read more things from you.

Thank you! I want to write more things to be read. I'm going to submit something for the next Wayfinder, I think.

Please do. The theme for the next Wayfinder is the River Kingdoms.

[Zhangar]

My weapon for this season:

Nine Dimensional Blade
Aura strong abjuration; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 175,049 gp; Weight 8 lbs.
Description

This +5 dispelling adamantine greatsword is inscribed with impossibly interwoven cerulean runes.

If the nine dimensional blade is swung as part of an attack at a wall spell or spell­like ability or similar such effect (such as prismatic sphere or force cage), the wielder may make an attack roll against AC 10 + caster level at which the wall was created + spell level of the wall. If successful, the wielder suppresses the wall for 11 - spell level rounds in an area equal to the wielder's space, creating a hole in the wall. The wall effectively does not exist in the suppressed area. The minimum size of the hole is a 5 foot cube.

A suppressed wall causes no ill effects in the suppressed area. The wall reverts back to normal once the suppression ends.

This effect works on mundane walls (which are treated as AC 10 + hardness of material), walls created through instantaneous spells like wall of iron and on walls that have been made permanent through permanency. The effected wall still reverts back to normal at the end of the suppression duration.

If targeting a wall composed of multiple layers, such as a prismatic wall, the wielder of the nine dimensional blade makes one attack roll per layer as part of a single attack on the wall.

If the wielder of the nine dimensional blade fails to beat the effective AC of the targeted wall, this ability is suppressed for 1d4 rounds and the wielder suffers any appropriate effects for striking the wall.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, disintegrate, dispel magic, passwall, creator must be a caster of at least 10th level; Cost 89049gp and 5 sp.

Thoughts and comments:

In hindsight, the line about mundane or instantaneous walls could've been rolled into the first paragraph with some rewording, and the whole thing would've read better if I had done that.

The original name for the item was the direct route.

I arrived my price by taking the base weapon and adding 99,999. (After looking at the cost to cast disintegrate or passwall at will, and then discounting it.)

Edit: And I just had pointed out to me the error that caused my item to get DQ'd. Well, balls. That's embarrassing.

[Paul Migaj]

Wolin wrote:

Armour of Burden

This I thought had promise. It's a fairly simple concept, but one that is well described flavourwise. Nice and easy to picture it.

Mechanically I feel it works very well. Clear and concise. It's an interesting anti-arcane caster ability - make them suffer that hefty 40% spell failure chance! I think you probably did a good job of not making it hugely exploitable by arcane casters dumping it on their familiars or...

Thanks Wolin. I thought it would be pretty useful against most melee threats too, since relatively few classes and monsters are heavy armor proficient, and would incur a hefty to-hit penalty. Outside of combat, I figured the ability to relieve yourself of a swim check penalty or a climb penalty might be handy in some situations. Thanks for upvoting me and for the critique!

[Gran_Rancheros]

Stonewake Greatsword
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 104,325 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This weapon is made from a single shard of obsidian, pale glowing veins run through the interior.

As a full-round action, the wielder can attempt a DC 25 strength check to drive this +3 Corrosive Burst Obsidian Greatsword into a surface of natural stone or earth, a successful check conjures a Huge earth elemental as if using summon monster vi; only one elemental may be summoned per day. The blade is embedded in the elemental for the duration of it's summoning, granting the elementals natural attacks the magical properties of the weapon. The blade may be removed with a DC 30 strength check, if successful the elemental loses the benefits of the weapon and disappears in 1d4 rounds, or when the summoning duration ends, whichever occurs first.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, acid arrow, summon monster vi; Cost 52,325 gp

This was my first time designing an item so I imagine mistakes abound. Any and all feedback/advice is welcome.

[CripDyke]

Nykidemus wrote:

CripDyke wrote:

Nykidemus wrote:

CripDyke wrote:

*snip*

Wow, that was thorough.

yeah, I don't really know how to do it any other way. Anything else seems like it's not representative of my thought process.

Of course, it means that I can't review as many items, but hopefully the designers whose items I do review will a lot more from seeing my whole thought process.

I actually got the idea from the "How do you vote?" thread. That really is, more or less, how I go about voting for items, though some steps get skipped if I don't need them to distinguish between a certain pair of items. Nearly every item gets every aspect of this analysis when I first encounter it, however. Since I'm only making a binary comparison, I don't have to put it all in words the way I do here, but the format, the process seemed a very useful structure for performing a review.

So here I am. Doing very thorough reviews.

Oh absolutely not a criticism. Do me!

Since you asked so nicely, I will.

You're up next then... should only take 2 hours or so ;-)

[thaX]

Kinda late here... the one I put in may have been to powerful and may have gotten culled through a disqualification, but I shall learn from this and be humble on my next item.

Time Shard
Aura Strong Transmutation; CL 17th
Slot neck; Price 50,000 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
This green piece of material is translucent and warm to the touch. It looks to be made from glass but feels more like metal, and fits in the palm of a hand. A warm, green glow emits from inside when touched. It is worn as a brooch.
Once a day, this item can actived it as a move action, ending his round when he does so, which will cause him to become phased out of time. This functions as a Supernatural Ability. Until the beginning of his next round, he is insubstantial and can not be effected by any physical means, is immune to magic and gains DR 20/- against ethereal threats (and items that have Ghost Touch). Coming out of a phase of time at the beginning of the next round, the character will have two standard actions and a move action, will not provoke attacks of opportunity and can split his movement between attacks for that round.
At the end of the round, he gains the sickened condition for 1d4 rounds and the Time Shard has a cumulative 8 percent chance to be lost in the ethers of time, disappearing from the character’s inventory.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Haste, Time Stop, Crafter must have been through an instance of time at least 300 years out from his normal time progression; Cost 25,000 gp

I took down the price another 5k because the item eventually disappears after use.

[Damien Mc Gurrell]

Testament of Pharasma
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot none;Price 10,500 gp; Weight 85 lbs.

Description
This mossy gravestone features the spiral symbol of Pharasma prominently on the front, and holy text chiseled on the reverse. The testament is carried using a looped rope on the user’s back.The testament of pharasma is a holy symbol of Pharasma that does not have to be held or retrieved to be used as a divine focus, but must remain visible. Once per day as a full round action, the user recites a litany from the reverse of the gravestone granting allies within 30 feet DR 5/- against the attacks of undead creatures for 1 minute.

Once per day the testament may be affixed to the ground. The gravestone then counts as a permanent fixture dedicated to Pharasma for the purposes of consecrate and spells that require such a fixture. This placing is activated as a standard action that does not provoke an attack of opportunity.

An affixed testament of pharasma grants you total cover similar to using a tower shield for total cover; you choose the gravestone’s facing as if using a tower shield when it is placed. The gravestone is removed from its position as a move action using the command word, but otherwise remains affixed indefinitely.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, consecrate, greater shield of fortification; Cost 5,250 gp

[XPathfinder]

Here it is... I have my own thoughts on its issues, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

Spirit-Catcher
Aura moderate necromancy and divination; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 24,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
The top of this darkwood staff splits in two, with an intricate skein of cords stretched between its upper branches.

A spirit-catcher is used to capture the essence of incorporeal undead, and later releasing that essence as negative energy.

The skein of the spirit-catcher glows with an eerie blue nimbus when incorporeal undead are within 30 feet.

When an incorporeal undead creature is destroyed within 30 feet of a spirit-catcher, as an immediate action the bearer may draw its essence into the spirit-catcher. The amount of essence stored in the spirit-catcher is measured by the Hit Dice of the captured creature; it can store up to 10 HD--excess HD are lost. The spirit-catcher can only store the essence of one creature. Stored essence may be replaced by capturing another creature.

As a standard action, the bearer can release the essence harmlessly. Alternatively, the bearer may release the entire essence of the spirit-catcher to make a fearsome attack, also as a standard action. The shrieking spirit of the creature emerges and streaks unerringly towards a target creature within 30 feet and line of effect. Living targets take 1d6 negative energy damage per HD of essence released. A successful DC 16 Will save halves this damage. The spirit dissipates after this attack.

Necromancers are known to instead use the attack ability of the spirit-catcher to strengthen their undead minions. The attack can be directed against an undead creature, causing it to gain 2 temporary hit points per HD of essence released.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, chill touch, command undead, detect undead; Cost 12,000 gp

[Tripp Elliott]

Let's hear it:

Earthbind Manacles
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 10th
Slot wrist; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These brown leather bracers of armor +2 can be used to strip opponents of their ability to fly. Once per day, the manacles can be activated to create a sphere of power around the wearer with a radius of 50 feet that negates all forms of magical flight and levitation. Negated effects act as if they had been dispelled, although they will function properly if they leave the radius of the sphere of power. While the bracers are activated, the wearer gains the grappled condition even if under the protection of effects that might normally provide immunity to that condition (such as freedom of movement). The wearer of the earthbind manacles cannot be affected by any form of magical flight or levitation until 24 hours after the manacles are removed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dispel magic; Cost 6,000 gp

[Goll McMorna]

Canary's Mining Helmet
Aura Faint Abjuration; CL 1st
Slot Head; Price 5,350 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This rusted tin helmet is topped with a small cage containing a golden canary. When the helmet comes within 30' of a poisonous or particularly flammable gas, the canary in the cage emits a loud chirping sound to warn the wearer. In addition, when a piece of metal or ore is placed in the canary's nest, the wearer gains the ability to cast Detect Metal at will. This ability is only capable of detecting metal of the same type that was placed in the nest.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wonderous Items, Detect Poison, Detect Metal; Cost 2,675 gp

[JJ Jordan]

Bahbrahb wrote:

Gebbite Officer's Shield

This was a neat item that combined lore and mechanics really well. Silencing Nexian wizards would certainly be useful for the infantry of Geb.

I couldn't get over the price tag though. So each infantry officer in this war had a 30k+gp shield? Nitpicking on my part but 30k could buy you 4 castles.

Anyway, still a cool lore item. Maybe elite Gebbite mage hunters would have something like this but not every officer of the infantry.

[JJ Jordan]

Lucas Servideo wrote:

Coin of Chance

I kept your item because it was simple and had a minor effect that was still interesting.

Formatting: aura should be faint enchantment, Weight should be followed by an EM dash (annoying little detail) instead of a dash.

I'm torn about the mechanics. Really, every party should have a character always holding this Coin of Chance because a 50% chance of a +1 bonus for 3 rounds is way better than a 50% chance of a -1 penalty for 1 round.

+1 bonuses on attacks and saving throws is useful all the way up to level 20. So even at level 20 we're flipping coins around...it just seems silly. BUT I could see a low level rogue or something flipping their lucky coin before each battle. Maybe a neat little character thing.

Not sure of how to improve it. Maybe if it only worked once per day?

[Papasteve08]

Tripp Elliott wrote:

Let's hear it:

Earthbind Manacles
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 10th
Slot wrist; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
These brown leather bracers of armor +2 can be used to strip opponents of their ability to fly. Once per day, the manacles can be activated to create a sphere of power around the wearer with a radius of 50 feet that negates all forms of magical flight and levitation. Negated effects act as if they had been dispelled, although they will function properly if they leave the radius of the sphere of power. While the bracers are activated, the wearer gains the grappled condition even if under the protection of effects that might normally provide immunity to that condition (such as freedom of movement). The wearer of the earthbind manacles cannot be affected by any form of magical flight or levitation until 24 hours after the manacles are removed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dispel magic; Cost 6,000 gp

Hey Tripp! Just wanted to say I liked these. The one big problem I personally had was the bit about negating things like freedom of movement. It might be nit-picky, but that feels like it contradicts the purpose of the spell. It is a 4th level spell, so it is an expensive resource to use just to have it negated. As a player, I would be very unhappy to have this used against me, and would feel kinda like cheating to use it against the GM.

The thing I would suggest for future designs is to be more bold. Breaking it down, your item negates all flying and freedom of movement (essentially a level 3 and level 4 spell, in addition to all natural forms of flying) and that is pretty much it.

I probably won't do a whole lot of reviews, not having a ton of time to do them with, but this was one thing I specifically remember during voting, and just wanted to mention it.

[Papasteve08]

Robert Guthrie wrote:

Papasteve08 wrote:

Cloak of Nine Lives

As I mentioned via PM, I thought this was fantastic. This was definitely Top 32 material, though you may have been hurt by the quality of cloak competition.

Thank you Robert! I appreciate the thoughts, both then and now!

You are right, there were some very good cloaks out there. I am pretty happy to have made it through all the culls. I haven't read anything specifically, but hopefully they release a top 100 - that would be a pretty big confidence booster.

[Jeff Harris 982]

OK, all done with The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly for the top 32+4, as I noted in my GB&U thread, I will now start critiquing all the non top 32+4 items that request a critique in this thread. If you did not post your item in this thread, but would like a critique from me, feel free to pop into my thread and ask, instructions are included in my original post.

And of course, best of luck to the top 32!

Friendly neighbourhood link to this years GB&U

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Season 9 Edition

[LordCoSaX]

Nykidemus wrote:

CripDyke wrote:

Nykidemus wrote:

CripDyke wrote:

*snip*

Wow, that was thorough.

yeah, I don't really know how to do it any other way. Anything else seems like it's not representative of my thought process.

Of course, it means that I can't review as many items, but hopefully the designers whose items I do review will a lot more from seeing my whole thought process.

I actually got the idea from the "How do you vote?" thread. That really is, more or less, how I go about voting for items, though some steps get skipped if I don't need them to distinguish between a certain pair of items. Nearly every item gets every aspect of this analysis when I first encounter it, however. Since I'm only making a binary comparison, I don't have to put it all in words the way I do here, but the format, the process seemed a very useful structure for performing a review.

So here I am. Doing very thorough reviews.

Oh absolutely not a criticism. Do me!

I would also like to have you review my item. The amount of thought and effort you put in them is seriously impressive and im sure your criticism would help me for next time.

My item is the Belt of the Depths on page 3.

[Twisted Path]

CripDyke wrote:

Twisted Path wrote:

Replication Hammer

SNIP

Thanks for the thorough and insightful review of my Replication Hammer!

[Omnitricks]

Forgot about Season 9, took one of my leftover ideas from last year and gave it a little last minute polish (like real last minute) Considering it made it through all the culls I guess it was a shame I didn't get to workshop it. Arrgh. Might have made a difference.

Shield of Slick Escapades
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 23580 gp; Weight 45 lbs.
Description
This otherwise plain +2 tower shield has a coat of dark grease on its surface which visibly thins each time it is used until its bright polished surface is revealed. For three times until the grease is fully expended an immediate action can be used after an attack roll is made against its wielder to attempt having the attack skim off the side of the shield. This provides its wielder a 20% miss chance against the attack which does not stack with but may be used in addition to any similar effect.

If the tower shield has already been used to provide total cover during his previous turn, its wielder may also push it flat on the ground and get on it prone to slide up to five times his speed without any speed reduction from encumbrance by armor or weight as a full-round action. He is not threatened by any opponent he can see during this movement and uses up all the remaining grease on the shield to leave a trail of slippery dark grease behind him as the grease spell for seven minutes. Each change in direction during this movement requires a successful DC 15 Acrobatics check and spends 10 feet of movement.

Once the grease on the shield has been fully expended its wielder may carefully spread a new layer covering up its now bright surface by casting grease, applying alchemical grease or using any other similar spell or item for an uninterrupted hour. Starting the process again from the beginning requires additional uses of the spell or item.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Run, grease, expeditious retreat; Cost 11880 gp