Critique My Item Please!


RPG Superstar™ General Discussion

351 to 400 of 410 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | next > last >>
RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Don’t have a template so, be prepared for me to ramble and go off topic.
Page 1

Atavar’s Soulrazor:

Soulrazor
1. I tend to dislike seeing a bunch of ability/special property stacking. If you REALLY need an ability or special material, go for it, but avoid adding extras for the sake of making your item “better”.
2. A +1 weapon with a price tag over 100K. I got into a similar issue last year when I designed an end-game armor at 150K with only a +2 enhancement (though intentional, it was a poor choice on my part). The advice I was giving: try to design the item within the price range of similarly enhanced weapons and armor. You can get away with lagging behind +1, but do not stray too far.
3. I am part of the group that just glaze over “favored by, used by, wielded by, created by” phrases. Though it is a place to add some flavor, I feel that it brings me out of imagining the item, and more imagining some PC or NPC. Use your flavor and word count to make it all about the item. GMs and players can decide in their game the creators/wielders/favored users.
4. Common abilities and common special materials can easily be looked up (or already known). Save the word count. Let the players/GMs use their knowledge of threat ranges and special material properties if you are not straying from normal rules.
5. Does the person wielding the blade know the names of the souls trapped within? What if the creature doesn’t have a name? I love the idea of whispering into the blade, very villainous and awesome idea. Gives me a great image here.
6. Effects from spells should generally use the caster level you created with item with. In this case, your heal spell effect should work off the maximum 150 from heal (since you have an 18th caster level).
7. I think there is quite a bit going on and the powers seem to be stacking things together (like your abilities and special materials). This is probably just a personal opinion, but it just feels like too much. I would like to have seen a tighter theme.
8. Lastly, do not divide the cost of the weapon (or armor) from the price when doing magic weapons and armor. Think of it as you do the cost for a magic item as normal, then you add the cost of the masterwork version (plus the special material costs) to both the price and construction cost.

Covent’s Lion’s Roar:

Lion’s Roar
1. “Seeming”, “Appearing”, “Looks like”, and similar phrases are passive and weak writing. To be honest, things either are or are not when you look at it. Yes, there might be an illusion, but if an object reflects soft fire light, then it reflects soft fire light (maybe reflect might be a bad word, thinking I need more coffee right now). If you take a more active voice in your writing, then the reflection will be less downplayed and seem more exciting. You will also shave off some word count which you may need for mechanics.
2. As someone pointed out to me in my first draft of the Daylight Diadem, you can say words and similar meanings a bit too much. I used “light” and various light-themed words, and it came out as way too much and over the top. You might wish to do a similar thing with the lion theme. I am glad you kept the theme tight, but you do not have to keep reminding us that it is lion based.
3. Before I went with my choices for possible items this year, I had made a lion-themed, courage based cloak. It had a very similar feel and theme (even had a “roar” effect when making a charge).
4. I think the second paragraph used to give more description to your sword might have done this item in. I am glad you had visuals and sound AND later you give us touch, more sound, and more visuals. It helps the reader visualize the awesomeness of your weapon. The issue is, try to blatantly show only what is required. Bury the rest in the mechanics (like you did for some of it at the end). That will keep the imagery going without over-loading the reader looking for that one line they need for mechanics.
5. As people told me on my item, I think your item needed a bit of tighter writing. Though, I think you did a better job than I in that regard.

Jerry Keyes’s Glove of the Severed Servant:

Glove of the Severed Servant
1. First off, I would have made this as a +1 spiked gauntlet rather than having it function as one. Yes, it would cost more, but it is a pet-peeve of mine to see someone BE something, but only functions as it. Take charge and go with it from the start.
2. Great work on citing the crawling hand because it isn’t super common imo. This allows the GM and/or player to reference the stats quickly and easily.
3. What kind of action does some of these effects take? A free action? A move action?
4. I feel that if the hand takes damage, then the wearer should ultimately take the damage. Just a personal preference.
5. Nice tight theme, and I think everything stays very cohesive in terms of the glove’s abilities.

faxmachineanthem’s Green Flash:

1. First off, congrats on your First Entry to RPGSS! That is the first big step in this contest. Definitely follow the rest of the season. I want to see your name and other new names in the top 32 for season 10.
2. The idea to this longbow was a favorite of mine. I think the abilities needed a little work.
3. Price and cost. Make sure you include the cost of a masterwork longbow to both values (+375 gp).
4. Personally, I might have gone with the composite longbow (with or without strength rating) since it inherently has a longer range. Just would fit the idea, imo.
5. I feel like giving the wielder (improved) low-light vision is too much. I understand why you would do that, but it just feels like too much of a stretch.
6. The seeking ability on the bow already has a similar effect to your once per day I would just cut that and have the faerie fire ability on there (maybe steal from the Oathbow and whisper into it to get the bonus would be cool). I almost did a ranged weapon with a faerie fire effect this year as well. So, you got upvotes from me based on that.

Joel Flank’s Soul Shackle Bolt:

Soul Shackle Bolt
1. Interesting concept. Useful against enemies and for keeping allies “alive”.
2. There were a couple places where an extra round of line editing would have been useful missing space, two words with similar meaning where one should have been cut, etc.
3. I would have liked to see this sticking strictly to being a dimensional anchor effect, but keeping the part of preventing an ally’s soul from departing the body.
4. Like myself, you suffer from clearly saying what you mean. It can be tough, especially after edits. I know I regret not sending my final draft to at least SOMEONE before submitting. The muddled language can throw people off.
5. A similar design idea that might have worked would have been to start with an “Anchoring Dart”, but then that gets close to stacking too much by also having ghost touch. So, maybe that could have been a bad direction. >.> ramble ramble… My idea is worse >.<

Nickolas Floyd’s Sarkorian Sunderjaw:

Sarkorian Sunderjaw
1. Personally, I don’t like something that has an effect that activates upon a critical hit AND has an expanded threat range on top of that. Just personal preference to stick with one of the other (in this case, drop the threat range).
2. Unless the demon was bigger than just large, I envision this being more club sized rather than a great club.
3. This weapon has the potential to take away the most important attack for some very powerful creatures making them fairly useless. Yes, you might not see this until level 11 or 12 (unless the party pools funds for you), but at those levels you can have Improved Critical. Top that off with the Crit-debuff feats and this thing gets out of hand fast. Consider making it give bite attacks the broken condition as if it were a manufactured weapon.
4. The “on three attacks” part is kind of weird. Maybe just make it a “free action three times per day” things instead.
5. I could really see a demon getting ticked off at a character using this. I know a paladin of mine and a “bard” that would have picked one of these up JUST for that fact.

Kingvan’s Gorgon Sinew Lariat:

Gorgon Sinew Lariat
1. I would leave off the HP, AC, and break DC. Those can be figured out and don’t need to be adjusted just to make it stronger.
2. I am thinking you didn’t need the extra bit about the lasso tightly wrapping anything it entangles.
3. I should have probably noted that stuff when you first showed it to me. Not sure where my brain was, but there was probably too much blood in my caffeine system at the time.
4. The idea was really cool, and gorgons are a classic. Glad you ran with it.

Nazard’s Phase Strike Lenses:

Phase Strike Lenses
1. There are many large creatures that weigh more than 250 pounds. This isn’t a problem, but I do feel a disconnection with the 250 pound limit on an object. But I guess a limit had to be set somewhere.
2. Based on the name, I would have like to have seen these lenses allow the wearer to attack an astral or ethereal creature as if it was corporeal. Maybe I was just reading into the name poorly though.
3. The name and abilities beyond the first just throw me off. Not entirely sure why it affects(ed) me so.
4. I think sticking with the seeing astral and ethereal creatures and being able to do something to them rather than turning a creature or object ethereal would have been the route I would have preferred.
5. There are almost always ethereal/astral interacting items in the contest (in the 4 years I have been voting). This one was one of the better ideas.

pH unbalanced’s Locket of Love's Lure:

Locket of Love's Lure
1. Phrasing like “originally designed by” throws me off. I am sure people are tired of hearing comments like that, but unless your item is an artifact, I, as the GM (or the PC crafting the item), want to drop in my own lore.
2. I can see why you would take the route of adding bleed and the stuff about the skill checks, but I feel it is straying from the fact. I would stick to the charm effect. Maybe continue with abilities meant to “lure” the target of one’s affections.
3. I think drawbacks for decreasing an item’s power is a bad misstep. I assume it was meant to follow lore, but not all voters keep up with Golarion lore. Might have been good to leave that out as well.
4. I loved the name, and really hoped it would do love justice. Love IS a battlefield.

Brigg’s Cyclonic Darkleaf:

Cyclonic Darkleaf
1. I am sure you know I am going to say it already, so I will just come out and say it. Aura strengths. They match the caster level. OF the ITEM. I know we covered that before, and I think that edit might have been lost or forgotten. I saw your item once, and voted it up. THEN I saw it again and realized I had looked the aura over because I thought it had been fixed. Then I continued to see this over and over (I think a total of 9-10 times) and it hurt every time. I didn’t go so far as to down-vote your item because of the error. But it did weigh heavily on my soul.
2. I think the auto-blind ability might have hurt. I tend to dislike “auto-hit” effects.
3. Great cinematics and I was counting on seeing this one go the distance. I don’t think it was the aura that did you in, but perhaps leaf-cinematic items in the past. Not sure, but I hope it was neither of those reasons.
4. The raging cyclone made me think of one of my favorite characters of mine (the same bard I mentioned above in the Sarkorian Sunderjaw critique). Miss playing that character. Actually, I just miss playing in general (PbPs only provide so much enjoyment).
5. Great use of rules and references.

Belabras’s Auric Hush:

Auric hush
1. I really preferred your OTHER item. I think that idea could have gone the distance with some polishing.
2. I am pretty sure I mentioned something about just rounding the price. 1 gp isn’t going to make or break your item (unless it was the cost of a weapon or armor, which this wasn’t).
3. I think you forgot the spaces between paragraphs like I did. Luckily, your item wasn’t almost 300 words.
4. After coming back to this, I realize that the DC is too low for the cost at which you could purchase this (and only marginally useful when you can craft it). A cheaper version with a similar, but lesser effect, would have been much more desirable. Stupid blood in my caffeine system probably made me miss that previously.
5. Oddly enough, I didn’t see this come up much. Maybe 3 times? Twice it appeared next to an item that eventually became top 32 (or an alternate). Not sure if that was good or bad, but just stating a fact.

dracwn’s Teeth of the White Death:

Teeth of the White Death

1. First item of business. This came off as a Swiss Army Knife (SAK). I know it was going for a shark-theme, but some of those abilities don’t match up with in-game shark abilities. I would have made it stick to a bite attack, swim speed, and occasional blindsense/keen scent in water power.

2. With all the powers, I think 10K is way too little for this item. I haven’t priced it, but it just feels powerful. I mean, at a minimum duration, you get up to 1800 HP healed every day (if that is the only tooth you use).

3. I am sure someone has mentioned it already, but magic items with a caster level of 5 or lower have a faint strength.

4. Next year, definitely go with a theme and stick through it, again. Try not to spread too far or give your item too many things. Sometimes 3 powers can be too much, sometimes 4. One or 2 signature affects are best.

Nostrix’s Hell’s Restraints:

Hell’s Restraints
1. Unless I am looking at it incorrectly, remember that magic weapons and armor are priced as price of abilities + amount to purchase MW version of the item. Cost is half the price of the abilities + amount to purchase MW version of item. Add the item cost to each after you have your powers priced (and halved).

2. Beyond the mismatched price/cost, I liked this item. I think you went a tad overboard with adding the climb and moving objects with the chains part (not very “restraining” if you ask me).

3. I think we might be seeing you in the top 32 in the next season or two.

the Haunted Jester ‘s Lookouts Lucky Buckler:

Lookouts Lucky Buckler
1. Magic weapons and armor are priced as price of abilities + amount to purchase MW version of the item. Cost is half the price of the abilities + amount to purchase MW version of item. Add the item cost to each after you have your powers priced (and halved).
2. “Crafted in the memory of” and stuff like that is always a put off to me. I think letting the GMs or PCs add their own flavor works best.

3. Your buckler doesn’t function as a +1 steel buckler. That is too passive. Impart some power and MAKE your buckler a +1 steal buckler. It is like sterilizing equipment. It is either sterilized or not. A doctor doesn’t use a dirty scalpel that functions as a sterilized one.

4. Love the connection between the spell used for crafting and your alias name. Fun little joke you trickster you! 

5. I think since you are going with a “lucky” thing, I would have giving it a luck effect to protect the wielder from a trap.

CorvusMask‘s Face of the Kraken:

Face of the Kraken
1. This made me think about Davy Jones.

2. If the character cannot carry weapons with it, how do you expect to use the tentacles for grappling and repositioning? I think a bonus to grapple, or something like that would have been better.

3. Now they can also breathe underwater? I think this item was starting to bite off more than it could chew.

That is all for now. I’ll come back soon with more.

Sovereign Court Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Done sooner than I expected, Also thank goodness for preview, I caught a bunch of spoiler tag problems.

Page 2 Critiques:

Trident of the Elemental Captain:

The aura should not be capitalized, and the strength is based upon the CL as per detect magic. +2 trident should be +2 trident. It should be rubies not ruby's.
I would end the sentence after topazes and start the next one as "Each" otherwise it is a run on sentence. The language needs some clean up, it is a little clunky. While you were likely disqualified for the snowball, I don't think this would have done very well as it is. A very small amount of energy damage and a multiple energy type scorching ray once per day isn't really exciting or interesting. Also why is the CL 14? you only need 11th to get 3 rays off of a scorching ray. In the construction requirements all of the spells should be lowercase and italicized. Your price and cost seem off. The cost should be half the price (except for the 315gp for a masterwork trident. So the Price at 30,195 (-315)/2 +315 should be the cost (15,255) Also the numbers seem arbitrarily strange.

Sanguine kiss:

The aura should not be capitalized. The description of the thorns down the blade seem strange to me. It is unclear if a single swift action can activate all of the abilities or only one or can the wielder choose. Negative levels don't do anything with temporary hit points unless specified like most undead creatures with energy drain (they specify each negative level grants the creature 5 temporary hit points ect). Undead should be singular. I am not sure what the term "unwielded" means. Over all this weapon leaves me with more questions than answers. The drawback is written somewhat strangely. By the time I am dropping 40k gp on a weapon I expect something with more than a +1 enhancement bonus (overcoming multiple DR types from having a +3 or better enhancement bonus is quite valuable).

Books of One:

It seems strange to me that all sets of these books share the same stain on the same page. Keep in mind the items for this contest are not intended to be completely unique and anyone meeting the prereqs can craft one. Honestly this doesn't seem to be a particularly innovative design space to me. I like the theme well enough and the description, and formatting looks great. Though I might have changed the weight to 2 lbs. (1 lb. each) or something. My main problem is that this doesn't feel particularly inventive.

Fray’s Fabulous Fireworks:

Overall I really enjoyed this item. My first concern is the sicken from the green firework appears to be permanent (as no duration is listed). Are the three random fireworks always different or could it generate only red fireworks for the day? Also the purple firework (assuming the sickened effect is not actually permanent) seems much more powerful than the other fireworks. I would assume that the glitterdust and protection from evil would last a duration based upon its CL of 7 (so 7 rounds or 7 minutes). The construction requirements should have been formatted as:
Construction
Requirements
ect

Array of the Winged Knight:

You should only list the most relevant aura (I don't think I've ever seen an item with different strength auras and multiple schools is rare). There are some language issues that could have used a little be more editing. "They are made to impressive" Magic items generally just present their abilities and don't tell the reader which ones are the most important, that is for the reader/purchaser to decide for themselves. As written the cone of fear lasts forever (probably intended to be instantaneous). No need to add "and act as that effect indicates" this is just extra words that don't really add anything to the item. I like the flavor and I think it is interesting to go with something somewhat historical. Most people reading this though will be wondering why these are wings when they don't do anything related to flight.

Blood Volley Blade:

First returning dagger should not be capitalized. Second, why does it have returning when it never returns, most people would be wondering why I paid for a returning weapon that never activates. When I first saw this item in voting I had to read it 2 or 3 times before I understood it. Many people won't take the time to do that. Over all this is an interesting item and I like making use of the Opening Volley feat.

Whip of Wounding Words:

Usually only the most important school is listed in the aura. I am unfamiliar with any canonical references to words being used to create the multiverse in the Pathfinder campaign setting. I know this is common in many other settings like Middle Earth, ect, but don't know of anything referencing that for Pathfinder. I also can't think of any character that would ever want a +1 weapon that does inflict serious wounds 3/day (DC 16) and a 1/day shatter+ sound burst (also DC 16) instead of a +5 weapon I could have bought for the same price. Over all this is dressing on a SIAC as well. (though multiples spells in the same can).

Abacus of Probable Paradox:

These seem quite potent for 1,500gp. Action economy is one of the major limiting factors in Pathfinder (which is why things like quickened spells are so powerful). So each of the paragraphs takes up one of the 3/day uses I think. (though this is slightly unclear).
The second power is the most problematic one in my opinion. (this enables things like reading to make an attack when I have flanking [my ally goes right before me] taking my readied action, then making my full attack on my turn without any opportunity for anyone else to go between really, there are probably more abusive things that can be done with this ability as well).
I really like that you tried to make readied actions more useful, and I like the flavor of the item, I just worry about its potency.

Armor of the Crow:

I did enjoy this item quite a bit. Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. +2 studded leather armor should be +2 studded leather armor. My biggest problem is that if I die while wearing this armor, I not only have the problems of having died I just lost 46k magical armor. That seems especially punitive. Some questions this armor raises that I think might have also held you back. What kind of statistics do you use for the murder of crows? Do they all move together like a swarm? What happens if the crows are killed? I like the flavor and think the 10 use thing works quite well, but it leaves me too many unanswered questions for me to support this item fully.

Swashbuckling Sash:

Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. A CL 7 item should also have a moderate aura, see detect magic. It should be a +5 competence bonus (not competency). My biggest problem with this item is that the most interesting ability is kind of hidden in the middle. Skill bonuses while useful aren't innovative or superstar. I feel the same way about the immediate action deflection bonus. So the interesting ability is having the belt grip a rope while climbing. I think building off of that theme would have made this pop quite a bit more. Belts are also a tricky space to make appealing to most characters as most will use their belt slot on a physical enhancement bonus item (belt of giant strength, incredible dexterity, or mighty constitution, ect).

Crystal of the Gathered Mind:

Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. I think using the existing duration of the mind-affecting effect or 10 minutes which ever is shorter. Using a 1 round duration effect to achieve a 10 minute effect seems strange. -2 to any actions does this include saving throws? Or only actions the target actually takes, this is a bit to vague for me. The functions a material component/focus, but not divine focus could easily have been left off of this item.

Flood in a Bag:

The lbs is missing the period. The description is good, the wording is all fine; referencing the white water rapids rule is quite good. All that said this just doesn’t seem very interesting. It just feels like a bag of holding filled with water. I just find it boring and feel like I’d rather just have a decanter of endless water.

Anticipation:

Missing the space between Aura and moderate, and a CL 5th item should have a faint aura. You are missing the price of a masterwork halberd in both the price and cost. As other folks have pointed out and you said you just missed you missed the “this +2 halberd…” The name reads more as a unique halberd rather than a specific type of enchanted halberd. Granting an insight bonus to initiative is quite strong, the only other thing I can think of that does that is anticipate peril, not necessarily a bad option, just strong. It is unclear how or when the wielder is able to choose their target to anticipate, there should be an action type on this. Anticipate thoughts is not listed on the PRD as Occult Adventures is not yet on the PRD, so this would have disqualified you. This is functionally just a constant/at will SIAC of your two spells.

Stirgenest Quiver:

Often only the most important school is listed in the aura. This was one of my keeps. The flavor and description were great. Mechanically I might have liked something with a little more oomph than just numbers (-10 stealth, attacks do -1 con penalty, +x (max 5) to hit based upon previous hits). I do like that you used a con penalty instead of damage, as I am pretty sure that penalties can not reduce a score below 1.

Atlatl of Volcanic Eruption:

I really enjoyed the flavor of this one. A few concerns though. It fairly complicated and would require someone to probably reference the text whenever used. I’m not sure why the eruption is triggered by teleportation/flight. Also does it stop said teleportation or flight if it doesn’t end up disrupting the spell? It is also a bit hard to swallow at the price tag it has. A +2 weapon with 1-4 use per day (even a very powerful one) is a hard sell when it is priced right between a +9 and a +10 weapon.

Fragmenting Quarterstaff:

You are missing the comma in the price and cost. There are a few questions this makes me ask. So a 3 foot segment does ½ damage (so 1d3) and a 2 foot segment does 1/3 damage (so 1d2)? Does the enhancement bonus effect these attacks? What happens if they are destroyed (animated objects have AC, and hp after all). What size animated object do they count as, do they have any points to spend? Interesting design space, but too many unanswered questions. It also seems to be missing Mojo, but not sure how to describe that part.

Cloak of Nine Lives:

The falling damage part of this cloak feels like too little or just added on. I’d primarily be interested in this for the help against crits. Other items at a lower price work even better on negating falling damage (boots of the cat, ring of feather falling). The rest does not need to be consecutive? This is a bit confusing. Why not just have them reset once per day, it seems strange that this item is contigint on being worn by a resting person (so if someone used this cloak up and took it off and left it for 300 years it still wouldn’t work until someone put it on a rested) This just feels very strange.

Avatar of the Elements (Air, Earth, Fire, or Water):

Some formatting issues, the name was intended to replace that text in the template so it would be bolded. Only the strongest aura is listed on a magical item. The weight should be singular so 1 lb. There is no need to capitalize spell names or fast healing. Spells should be italicized. It seems strange that most of the flavor and effects are elemental plane related, then there is a positive energy plane ability. Why changing as a swift action, this seems very strange, and a standard seems appropriate. The name seems like it should be unique creature or something not a magical item that can be duplicated (especially with different forms).

Greenwarden Gauntlet:

Overall this is a pretty interesting and good item. You and others have pointed out the problems in terms of whether this is 1 or 2 gauntlets. Slot should actually be none for a magical weapon; the hands slot is for magical wondrous glove items. (though it is possible to be both, but in that case both Craft Magic Arms and Armor and Craft Wondrous should be in the requirements). The main problem with this item is that it is too MiaC (Monster in a Can) and not unique enough for this competition. With a little bit of editing though it would totally work for a Book of Magic Items.

Gebbite Officer's Shield:

The aura should not be capitalized, and a CL 5th magic item should have a faint aura. It should be “This +2 clangorous heavy steel shield” (italicized and no caps). This is quite an expensive item to issue out to even officers in an army. Overall this item is just too powerful for me, 3/day better than quickened silence is very strong, not to mention the free feat. You should specify whether the free action to rotate the shield can be done when it isn’t the wielder’s turn (some free actions can, but others cannot). Silence is a powerful effect and I’ve seen a lesser metamagic rod of quicken (35,000gp) + 2nd level spell slots for silence used to wreck even mid to high level caster encounters. (keep in mind normally silence is a 1 round cast time).

Coin of Chance:

The aura should be faint enchantment, not light. The price is missing a comma. I like that you tried to go with a fairly affordable item. Overall though just some numerical bonuses aren’t a particularly interesting design space for RPGSS. They are fine for a book of magic items. I am also not really a fan of items that might hinder me as often or more (with poor luck) than they help me. This item also seems pretty potent for someone with the trait Fate’s Favored (though that is more a problem with the trait than your item).

Axe of the Roaring Crowd:

It was a bold choice to work with performance combat and the choice of a gladiatorial weapon fits that nicely. That said even if I used performance combat regularly (I don’t), this wouldn’t be that interesting to me as all it does is add some numbers. Numerical bonuses are fine for items, but not particularly Superstar.

Boots of the Swarming Mischief:

Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. So other than in swamps or sewers these give a +4 to disguise. That seems pretty limited for a once/day item that costs almost as much as a +4 stat belt. The mechanics also confuse me quite a bit. So when covered by rats you take ½ damage from weapons, and 1.5 damage from area effects, this seems a bit disjointed as the rats are only covering you. Upon a successful melee touch attack (would normally require a standard to make) to deliver filth fever seems also not particularly useful. It also seems to clash with the swarm rules as swarms generally never make attacks, and instead deal damage to everything in their square (something that the wearer cannot do). I see most people using this as a way to take ½ weapon damage for 5 rounds rather than much else (most combats are over by then, so the invisibility part won’t probably come up much).

Shah’s Hookah:

Overall I really liked this item. Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. Not a whole lot to say, but it makes me wonder how this might interact with a vial of efficacious medicine. This is a decent item, but it is lacking Mojo. Also the drug themes may have kept you down in voting.

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Thanks Donald! You absolutely did mention the 1gp thing, and like an idiot I forgot about it in revision. And, yes, cost too high or DC too low. In your defense, the DC was 17 in earlier drafts.

I'll try out my other idea in the Blazing 9 after all the excitement is over. In the mean time, good luck man!

Marathon Voter Season 9

Kigvan wrote:

Done sooner than I expected, Also thank goodness for preview, I caught a bunch of spoiler tag problems.

Page 2 Critiques:
** spoiler omitted **
** spoiler omitted **
** spoiler omitted **...

Armor of crows - Thanks Kigvan. I had the italics on the official entry, messed it up on the post. I went back and forth on the destroy feature and kept it in the end as a long time GM I like setting up potential loss other than character permanent death. I thought it also added to the rarity as a character can't kill and enemy and take it. Some pros and cons there as well I know. For the crows stats, I was worried about too many words as it was and didn't want to put more in it, so thought I'd leave it to the GM's. Reading your review I could of just put use swarm traits. During my players review the wizard asked, can I hit them with spells as they fly away? Good question. Thanks for the feedback.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Okay, my item got a few callouts in the Praise thread so I'm a bit curious as to what critiques might help me out next time with really wowing people with a top notch item.

Plush Guardian of Cuddles
Aura moderate enchantment and conjuration; CL 11th
Slot - ; Price 37,500 gp; Weight 0.5 lbs.
Description
This adorable plush stuffed bear seems to be nothing more than a harmless child's toy. However, the plush guardian of cuddles was created as a means for the wealthy and noble to protect their children from danger. The bear contains 3 charges that replenish at the beginning of each day.

As long as the plush guardian of cuddles has one charge remaining, it radiates a 20 ft. aura that quells a creatures aggressive or violent emotions, as calm emotions, unless they succeed at a DC 13 Will save. The aura can be suppressed or activated as a standard action.

By spending one charge the bearer can compel a target within 30 ft. to pick up the bear. The target must succeed on a DC 14 Will save or be compelled to pick up the stuffed bear and do nothing but cuddle it. This effect lasts for 1 minute or until the target is attacked.

Finally, by spending a charge, the stuffed bear can grow to large size and animate in order to defend the bearer from danger. The stuffed bear is treated in all ways as a normal dire bear while animated. The bear will not attack young creatures and has an attitude of friendly towards any such creatures. The summoned bear lasts for 1 minute before vanishing.

The stuffed bear can also be recharged by being held and cuddled. If cuddled for an hour or more, it regenerates charges at a rate of 1 per hour.

Any and all abilities of the plush guardian of cuddles can be activated or deactivated with a master command word.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, calm emotions, suggestion; Cost 18,750 gp

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

@dubiousmx

The first thing I'll say is the name. You went a bit TOO silly with it. Maybe something like a child's toy or stuffed bear of childhood then I wouldn't have had such a visceral reaction to it from the get go.

Once I started actually getting past the name, it was quite well done. You've got some rules language issues, you forgot to italicize calm emotions.

Do I have to be holding the bear to suppress or activate the aura? As written it can be argued that I can do that from any range.

It's a little odd that the DC for picking up the bear is only 1 higher than the aura save, since they are the same spell level (bard 2) for suggestion and calm emotions.

The word cuddle is a bit too silly, perhaps if you would have said simply hold it or maybe even hug it.

Great job with not attacking young creatures. Perfect.

Again...the cuddling. But...perhaps just cut this or cut the recharge every day bit. If you went with a recharge...I would have said something like "by holding this bear while sleeping for 8 hours".

The last sentence should be cut and just put the command word after introducing the abilities. And it should probably be written "By speaking a command word".

It was really well done in concept...some mechanical and writing snafus and the overly silly name and silly word choice probably held this back.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Kiel Howell wrote:

@dubiousmx

The first thing I'll say is the name. You went a bit TOO silly with it. Maybe something like a child's toy or stuffed bear of childhood then I wouldn't have had such a visceral reaction to it from the get go.

Once I started actually getting past the name, it was quite well done. You've got some rules language issues, you forgot to italicize calm emotions.

Do I have to be holding the bear to suppress or activate the aura? As written it can be argued that I can do that from any range.

It's a little odd that the DC for picking up the bear is only 1 higher than the aura save, since they are the same spell level (bard 2) for suggestion and calm emotions.

The word cuddle is a bit too silly, perhaps if you would have said simply hold it or maybe even hug it.

Great job with not attacking young creatures. Perfect.

Again...the cuddling. But...perhaps just cut this or cut the recharge every day bit. If you went with a recharge...I would have said something like "by holding this bear while sleeping for 8 hours".

The last sentence should be cut and just put the command word after introducing the abilities. And it should probably be written "By speaking a command word".

It was really well done in concept...some mechanical and writing snafus and the overly silly name and silly word choice probably held this back.

I had a feeling the name was a bit off-putting but was having trouble coming up with anything better (also with a 8 month old child I don't get much sleep so I may have been more inclined towards silliness). I did remember to italicize calm emotions when I submitted it, but not this time. As for the higher DC, I was using sorcerer/wizard level for suggestion. While I realized that a bard could cast all the spells necessary, animate objects is a 6 level bard spell so I felt that would put the caster level of the item, and the overall gold cost, a little too high. So I stuck with the sorcerer/wizard levels when I was able.

I do agree, looking back, that maybe I should have pulled back of the 'cuddles' part of it and maybe stuck with holding or hugging. Thanks for the criticisms.

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

@dubiousmx:

Have you read any of my longer reviews?

They have a number of sections, and you would score well in each section save 1: audience appeal.

I think this is a tremendous item. I think the design is RPGSS top 32 worthy (even if not perfect, as noted by Kiel Howell, I believe it's top32 worthy [/i]as is). But for better or for worse, people voting often think in terms of, "Can I use this? Would my character want this?"

Since they can't see their character toting this around, they vote it down.

I think it's a shame, but there you are.

As for the name, I liked yours, but perhaps [i]mama's bear would have made your thematic tie in to power #3 more explicit and turned off fewer voters who don't have my objectively perfect taste in item names.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
CripDyke wrote:

@dubiousmx:

Have you read any of my longer reviews?

They have a number of sections, and you would score well in each section save 1: audience appeal.

I think this is a tremendous item. I think the design is RPGSS top 32 worthy (even if not perfect, as noted by Kiel Howell, I believe it's top32 worthy [/i]as is). But for better or for worse, people voting often think in terms of, "Can I use this? Would my character want this?"

Since they can't see their character toting this around, they vote it down.

I think it's a shame, but there you are.

As for the name, I liked yours, but perhaps [i]mama's bear would have made your thematic tie in to power #3 more explicit and turned off fewer voters who don't have my objectively perfect taste in item names.

CripDyke, where were you when I was trying to come up with a name? That is perfect! I sincerely wish I had thought of it. I am in awe of your "perfect taste in item names". And thank you for your kind words.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Rusty Ironpants

dubiousmx wrote:

Okay, my item got a few callouts in the Praise thread so I'm a bit curious as to what critiques might help me out next time with really wowing people with a top notch item.

Plush Guardian of Cuddles
Aura moderate enchantment and conjuration; CL 11th
Slot - ; Price 37,500 gp; Weight 0.5 lbs.
Description
This adorable plush stuffed bear seems to be nothing more than a harmless child's toy. However, the plush guardian of cuddles was created as a means for the wealthy and noble to protect their children from danger. The bear contains 3 charges that replenish at the beginning of each day.

As long as the plush guardian of cuddles has one charge remaining, it radiates a 20 ft. aura that quells a creatures aggressive or violent emotions, as calm emotions, unless they succeed at a DC 13 Will save. The aura can be suppressed or activated as a standard action.

By spending one charge the bearer can compel a target within 30 ft. to pick up the bear. The target must succeed on a DC 14 Will save or be compelled to pick up the stuffed bear and do nothing but cuddle it. This effect lasts for 1 minute or until the target is attacked.

Finally, by spending a charge, the stuffed bear can grow to large size and animate in order to defend the bearer from danger. The stuffed bear is treated in all ways as a normal dire bear while animated. The bear will not attack young creatures and has an attitude of friendly towards any such creatures. The summoned bear lasts for 1 minute before vanishing.

The stuffed bear can also be recharged by being held and cuddled. If cuddled for an hour or more, it regenerates charges at a rate of 1 per hour.

Any and all abilities of the plush guardian of cuddles can be activated or deactivated with a master command word.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, calm emotions, suggestion; Cost 18,750 gp

Hi there,

First off, as others have stated, there is a voter appeal issue on the flavor of this item. I think you lost many votes over this, mine included. While I don't think this is a joke item, the flavor is not one that appeals to me personally and I can't see using it in a game as either a player or GM.

In addition, I actually think there are a few rules issues with this item that have not been mentioned. The first of which is, who exactly is the user/controller of this item? It is a slotless item so the abilities have to be activated by the person who is carrying it. This would be the small child who it is designed to protect which does not seem to be a very good situation.

This second issue is actually the most problematic. When the "bearer" spends a charge to force a target to pick up the bear and cuddle it, what exactly prevents that person from becoming the bearer/controller of the item? By my understanding of the rules, nothing. That person is now carrying the slotless item and would have control over it. So you have essentially just given control of your guardian over to your enemy.

All that said, I do think this item has a strong and cohesive theme, so well done on that count.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

The other thing to note is that Paizo traditionally veers away from harming children. So while this actually protects children...it does imply harm is coming. This could also be a voter turnoff.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

Russ echoes my thoughts really well. I didn't think it was a joke, but it also didn't feel like something I'd involve in my games (I had a similar problem with the security blanket).

I also noted the bearer issue. Similarly, "Finally, by spending a charge, the stuffed bear" is problematic, as it means the magic item itself is expending the charge rather than someone doing that. Since it's the inanimate object doing the acting, it needs some key to cause it to act.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Rusty Ironpants

Jacob makes a good point on the last power as well. Going by the flavor, this item almost seems that it should actually be either an intelligent item (which could activate charges on its own) or a construct creature. Neither of which is allowed by the rules of the contest.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 9

Jeff Harris 982 wrote:

@ JPSTOD,

While I appreciate your willingness to defend your design choices, there is something that should be pointed out. RPGSS is a contest where we are asked to create an item for Paizo's campaign world of Golarion, as they present it.

Home brewed worlds and changes are great, at your home table. For the purpose of this contest however they do not matter. Neither the voters nor the judges have likely played in your home games, and thus will not understand any item design choices that you made to reflect your personal world/Golarion version.

It is entirely fine that in your world there only a very few dwarven apprentice smiths, and it is also fine to have a super awesome master smith who gifts his few apprentices with a shiny. However that is not how the dwarves of Golarion work in the Paizo official cannon version, and that is the version of the world we are expected to write for in this contest.

As it stands, I currently am a freelance designer and co-own a 3pp (Flying Pincushion Games), so I am familiar with the industry from several angles. When I write something for a publisher, it is expected that I am going to write what they asked for in the style it was requested. I may not like all the design choices, it may not be my style, hell, I may not even like personally what I am writing about, but as a freelancer it is my job to create what was requested, not what I like.

So what does this all boil down to in relation to your RPGSS item. Simple, you wrote an item that fits into your vision nicely, but not into Golarion as Paizo's vision sees it, and ultimately, they print the checks so it is their vision you should be working within when entering RPGSS. Successful freelancers are chameleons capable of changing to meet the needs of the writing assignment.

So, best advice I can give, learn from the missteps of this year, and return next year stronger and better prepared. Welcome to the world of freelance design, as cruel and spiteful a mistress as she can sometimes be.

Interesting Point of View.

According to Dwarves of Golarian
Despite their long lives, dwarves rarely tire of existence. Hard work is regarded as virtuous, and many dwarves spend their entire lives mastering and refining a single craft. As they age, they pass on their techniques to apprentices, a tradition even older than the Quest for Sky....

Wouldn't you say my Item represents that Concept?

What about this from Dwarves of Golarion
The heart of dwarven culture is hard work. This stems from centuries of life underground, when all dwarves had to contribute to their society or see it fail as a whole. Perfection was also a necessity; a small miscalculation when shoring up a cavern or passageway could lead to the deaths ofhundreds. Torag requires his followers to be prepared for any eventuality, which is exhibited through long-term planning, dedication to hard work, and attention to detail. Because ofthese rigorous standards, dwarves are often apprenticed for decades, and it is not unusual for 50 or more years to pass before a dwarf attains the rank of master craftsman.

Don't sound like a Lot of Dwarven Apprentices running Around to me. CAn you Support the Huge Number of Dwarves running around a Mastersmiths everyone thinks there is.

What about this From Dwarves of Golarion
Just as dwarven weapons and armor are unmatched elsewhere in the world, dwarves have perfected the tools of their trade. Many of their finest weapons were created to serve as crafting tools as well as instruments of war. Dwarven warhammers, so ubiquitous among dwarven warriors today, were first used as weapons after craftsmen
employed their tools to deadly effect while defending their workshops against incursions by orcs and other savage Darklands species. Master craftsmen frequently use these tools to forge their finest weapons and armor.

Sound to me like Golarion Dwarves actually put Stock into providng the Smiths Advantages in the Forges that would serve them well in Battle without having to dress in Glemming Armor.

If Paizo only was picking the Winners I would say okay...But Voting was done by more than Paizo. It was not Paizo that decided if something meet Paizo Criteria. I Was critizied because I said before I never saw anything that Popped out to me amoungst the Items I saw. And Out of the Top 32, I will still Say, Nothing Wowed me still.

Marathon Voter Season 9

JPSTOD, I'd be interested in seeing some of your own critiques on some of the items floating around. Seeing where it was exactly that you felt that the various items went wrong or why they were uninspiring. Is it a "I can't possibly imagine anyone ever using this useless item" thing? Or more a "It's not very imaginative" thing?

Obviously, while you may not represent a large section of the voting populace, I expect there are a number of other people who like what you like and just aren't posting. Maybe you've got a different perspective on things that the rest of us are overlooking. Maybe we should try to make items more to your taste. Unless you tell us what that taste is, we're probably just going to do the same sorts of things that you don't like.

Try working your way through the list of items and pick out some that do things you particularly like or things that you particularly hate and post them.

Lantern Lodge Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Jayson MF Kip

Glutton for punishment (Also, I just found the text file that had my item). As is, without fixing the lack of italics on the bottom section:

Master’s Final Warning
Aura Faint Conjuration and Enchantment; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 10,301 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This +1 merciful sai has a small sphere of voidglass in its hilt. Once per day as a standard action, the wielder of master’s final warning can make a disarm attempt without provoking an attack of opportunity. If this disarm attempt is successful, the disarmed creature must make a DC 13 Will save or be under the effects of calm emotions. This effect lasts 5 rounds, or long enough for the wielder to make a Diplomacy check to increase the disarmed creature’s attitude.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, calm emotions, cure light wounds; Cost 5,301 gp

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan

Kigvan wrote:

Done sooner than I expected, Also thank goodness for preview, I caught a bunch of spoiler tag problems.

Page 2 Critiques:
Atlatl of Volcanic Eruption:

I really enjoyed the flavor of this one. A few concerns though. It fairly complicated and would require someone to probably reference the text whenever used. I’m not sure why the eruption is triggered by teleportation/flight. Also does it stop said teleportation or flight if it doesn’t end up disrupting the spell? It is also a bit hard to swallow at the price tag it has. A +2 weapon with 1-4 use per day (even a very powerful one) is a hard sell when it is priced right between a +9 and a +10 weapon.

Thanks for the critique. I'm glad you like the flavor, even if it is a bit spicy. ;-)

This item basically summons a square around a creature or creatures, and then has a bigger square around it as a barrier. Then it cooks the creatures inside it. Hopefully after using it once or twice, it gets easier to use.

It erupts in reaction to flight and teleportation because the item is designed to trap creatures, so it punishes creatures who try to escape. If the target creature passes its Concentration check, its spell is successfully cast. If it fails its Concentration check, it loses the spell.

I totally botched the pricing. I did the math, hated the result, but did the unSuperstar thing and just kept those results. A true Superstar would have followed his (my) heart and changed that price. I really should have just picked what level I wanted a PC to get this item, determine what percentage of her Wealth By Level it should cost her, and price it accordingly.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 9

Russ Brown wrote:


Requirements: potions or scrolls are not listed in the requirements section, just the spell. During creation the crafter can cast the spell from a scroll, but just the spell is listed. You don't include the scroll in the price of the item.

Pricing: Your item should include the price of the master work armor (1,650gp for full plate) plus the enhancement bonus (+25,000gp for +5) and the cost of any special abilities (+18,000 for energy resistence). This is the price of your item: 1,650 + 25,000 + 18,00 = 44,650gp

Cost: The cost for wondrous items should be half the price. The cost for weapons and armor should be the price of master worked item plus half of the price of the enhancement bonus and special abilities. So the cost for your item would be: 1,650 + (25,000 + 18,000)/2 = 23,150.

Bonk....No wonder the Merchants are happy to see my characters have items made..(stupid me..stupid me)...always had it in my mind to use the final cost and double it..Just not an aspect of the Game We really pay attention to...Wonder if I can get some refunds :)

Weeeeeeeeellllll DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 9

Wolin wrote:

JPSTOD, I'd be interested in seeing some of your own critiques on some of the items floating around. Seeing where it was exactly that you felt that the various items went wrong or why they were uninspiring. Is it a "I can't possibly imagine anyone ever using this useless item" thing? Or more a "It's not very imaginative" thing?

Obviously, while you may not represent a large section of the voting populace, I expect there are a number of other people who like what you like and just aren't posting. Maybe you've got a different perspective on things that the rest of us are overlooking. Maybe we should try to make items more to your taste. Unless you tell us what that taste is, we're probably just going to do the same sorts of things that you don't like.

Try working your way through the list of items and pick out some that do things you particularly like or things that you particularly hate and post them.

I will try and find my List of Items I voted for, if I have not thrown them away...

I main problem in Voting this year..I kept seeing way to many Repeats. At the Time I was having to get up at 0430 and getting Home after 1900 hours for work. I felt like I was wasting my time. I quit voting in the Second round when my 19th Vote was a repat item. I never saw any of the to 32 Items until they were Anounced. Voting for maps is much easier. Since I got time to review each item then make my choices.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 9

Today is my first Day off from new job..So going to go brew some beer today may select a few Items later tonight to review and critique and post my Critiques so people can start to see why I like Items


Would appreciate any feedback:

Tome of Legends
Aura strong divination; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 100,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
This well constructed tome is usable only by bards. When opened without activating, the pages appear blank. If activated with a command word, followed by the name of a legendary person, place or thing (at least 11th level, as per the requirements of the Legend Lore spell), the book will reveal up to two pages of information derived from the collective wisdom of people familiar with the named item. The information will remain on the pages until the book is closed.

Because of the source of the information, there is a 15 percent chance that part of the information will be erroneous -- either rumor or plain false. If the character makes a DC 25 Knowledge check they can determine the incorrect information.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, Legend Lore, Caster must use a blank spell book of exceptional quality (500gp); Cost 50,000 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

JPSTOD wrote:


I main problem in Voting this year..I kept seeing way to many Repeats. At the Time I was having to get up at 0430 and getting Home after 1900 hours for work. I felt like I was wasting my time. I quit voting in the Second round when my 19th Vote was a repat item.

That's likely why none of the items you saw were good: there were a lot of terrible items in the early stages. It wasn't until after the third cull that the quality was consistently moderate to high.

Most of the items that have been posted in this thread made it that far, and since they've posted, their items are fair game for you to review.
Here's my security blanket again if you want to give that a kick around (although I'm using the mostly corrected version here because the original version pains me a little)
Security Blanket:

Security Blanket
Aura faint abjuration; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 25,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.

Description
Made of soft, blue wool, this child's blanket looks warm and comfortable. Feelings of security and reassurance emanate soothingly from it. Sleeping with this blanket provides a +4 circumstance bonus on Fortitude saving throws against exposure to cold weather.

A creature wrapped in a security blanket gains the effects of sanctuary and remove fear until they remove it. While under the influence of a fear effect, a creature in possession of a security blanket can wrap themselves in the blanket as a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity, even if the fear effect would not normally allow other actions to be taken. This is in addition to any other actions that may be required to retrieve the security blanket from the creature's belongings. A creature wrapped in a security blanket can extract themselves from it as a swift action.

Breaking the sanctuary effect by attacking causes the security blanket to lose all magical properties for 24 hours.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, sanctuary, remove fear; Cost 12,500 gp

Tome of Legends

This didn't stand out to me as being particularly exciting. It's basically a really, really fast, at will casting of legend lore, with an added penalty. Sure, it's useful, but that's mostly because legend lore is useful.
That might have been fine if you'd thrown in some cool imagery, but you didn't. It's one of the most bland and uninspiring descriptions I've seen in the contest.
One of the things I've learnt myself from this is don't put in drawbacks unless they're thematic, and definitely not if they're redundant or result in the destruction of an expensive item (like mine originally did). By the time you're able to afford this item, a bard should be able to hit that DC 25 knowledge check fairly easily, making it a poor drawback (although it is a suitable drawback for the item). And if that sort of knowledge check is enough to know something's wrong... why isn't it enough to know about the thing in the first place?
You've got your caster level wrong (For a bard it should be CL 10th), and material components such as the book aren't included as a construction requirement; that's all taken care of in the cost.

Unfortunately, since it's largely a Spell in a Can with very little description, there's not much I can actually suggest to help you improve the item.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 9

I had a Blankets of Healing before..
Sometimes you don't have a Cleric in the Party..

I could see PCs wanting a Security Blanket..especially if the Adventure in the Cold Regions..

Removing fear comes in Handy also..

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 9

Benjamin Miraski wrote:

Would appreciate any feedback:

Tome of Legends
Aura strong divination; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 100,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
This well constructed tome is usable only by bards. When opened without activating, the pages appear blank. If activated with a command word, followed by the name of a legendary person, place or thing (at least 11th level, as per the requirements of the Legend Lore spell), the book will reveal up to two pages of information derived from the collective wisdom of people familiar with the named item. The information will remain on the pages until the book is closed.

Because of the source of the information, there is a 15 percent chance that part of the information will be erroneous -- either rumor or plain false. If the character makes a DC 25 Knowledge check they can determine the incorrect information.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, Legend Lore, Caster must use a blank spell book of exceptional quality (500gp); Cost 50,000 gp

Seems extremely Limited, Expensive

Dedicated Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.

I'd appreciate any thoughts please....

Portable Protective Pedestal
Aura faint abjuration and evocation CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 9,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
When activated, this pocket-sized stone cube grows into a pedestal whose top is at a comfortable working height for the user. A non-living object placed on top of it and weighing less than 50 lbs will be protected from all natural environmental hazards. Rain will not damage the item, wind will not blow it away or even rustle delicate pages, and stray sparks will not set the object on fire. The pedestal provides no appreciable cover. This protection is overcome by magic such as fireball and whirlwind, but not by magically-conjured natural effects such as lightning produced via call lightning. Extreme natural environments such as total submersion or contact with the heart of a volcano may also overcome the pedestal’s protective qualities. The pedestal remains conveniently close at hand, floating beside the user at the user’s normal movement rate. If the user wishes, the top of the pedestal projects light onto the object appropriate to the user’s requirements for optimum viewing. By pressing down on one edge of the pedestal as it expands, it becomes a slanted easel rather than a flat-topped pedestal.

The pedestal may be used three times per day for one hour at a time. Any object placed upon a Portable Protective Pedestal is considered to be an attended object. If the activated pedestal is stolen or otherwise forced to be more than 10 feet from the user, it de-activates and returns to its cube form. Activating the pedestal is a standard action. The pedestal takes one full round to achieve full height. Larger pedestals, with additional magic are rumored to exist.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, floating disk, light, resist energy; Cost 4,500 gp

Marathon Voter Season 9

Portable Protective Pedestal

From memory, I was regularly voting for this item up until about the 4th cull.

I very much liked the effects and would probably use them. But for much longer than 3 hours per day. The three hours per day thing was what really killed it for me. An effect like that really needs to be constant, and at the price it is, it ought to be.

I know why and how you got the price you did, and I'd suggest that using endure elements would have been a more suitable choice than resist energy for both your price determination and based on your description of the items effects. Incidentally, using that lets you have the constant effect version at the same price you have.

The description needs more flowers. I can get a good image of what it looks like, but it could be more complete. It's perhaps a little wordy as well, and if you could think of ways to make it more concise then you should.

I'd be interested to see what sorts of variants of the PPP you had in mind that you temptingly hint at...

Sovereign Court Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

I'm still working through the list here is page 3:

Replication Hammer:

Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. +x warhammer should be italicized. “If a weapon is successfully destroyed by this hammer, …” would be a bit more clear than what you have written. I generally don’t care for this type of mechanic. This would enable someone to destroy a weapon with a +5 ability (then make whole the destroyed weapon) to get a +6 equivilent weapon for the just over the cost of a +4 weapon. This breaks this item for me.

Bloodseeker Sword:

Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. Slot should say “none;” First off there is a reason the vampiric ring of regeneration was left behind in 2nd edition DnD. Gaining hp, even temporary hp on every hit is extremely powerful. There is a reason the spell vampiric touch does half the damage of a fireball even though it is the same level and single target. Getting a probably better than 3rd level spell effect on every hit is very strong. With the amount of temporary hp that you can generate off of this a bleed 10 is probably fairly trivial, so adding vorpal will be fairly easy to do. A normal +1 vorpal wounding weapon is 128,000gp and I’d say this is actually a much stronger weapon. Brilliant energy on demand is also stronger than having it all of the time. One of the main limiting factors of a brilliant energy weapon is the fact it can not damage non-living targets (such as constructs or undead), but being able to turn it on when needed and leave it off makes it even more powerful. I would probably feel like this weapon was overpowered even as an artifact.

Revealing Ink:

You are missing the comma in the price and cost. I’d change the beginning to “Contained in a cut lead crystal inkwell (or phial since that is what you use later), reavealing ink’s …” This is a creative item that I think suffers a bit from some very open ended options. Perceiving the scent requires no check, and the things it reveals are vague and open ended, this might cause some arguments/ GM adjudication. As will the use of the ink blot. Items that require a GM to adjudicate as well as items that include vomiting generally don’t do well in this competition (these are voter turn offs). That said I think this probably did better than those aspects would suggest because it is interesting and unique.

Security Blanket:

There should be a line break after the “CL 13th” and not after the “Slot none;”

Some people probably interpreted this as a joke item. The theme is pretty hard to sell to a lot of voters (though others liked it quite a bit). The similar theme I think is one of the only reasons that “The Plush Gardian of Cuddles” did not make top 100 or better.

I think it works pretty well, but has a few issues. Without a listed DC the sanctuary defaults to the lowest possible (DC 11); this makes it nearly worthless in that particular regard for the price. The most useful part of this is the ability to negate fear effects, but does the blanket have to be in one’s hand to do it, that is unclear. Also unclear is what constitutes breaking the sanctuary effect that would break the item. I think as intended this means something like making an attack or whatever (but that seems nearly impossible without removing the blanket as it is wrapped around the creature), but could be interpreted as something beating the DC in order to attack, or even ending it by removing the blanket.

Wardrum of the Tactician:

Typically only the most important school is listed in the aura. The slot may have confused people as musical instruments are normally slot none, but as someone that has been in marching bands it makes sense, especially with the description. I like the flavor of this item quite a lot, but there are a few things that concern me.

First you should probably start with the DC’s.
Example: “With a successful DC 20 perform check, every ally … For every five by which the check exceeded the DC …”

Second getting skills to very high modifiers is quite easily and bards have more reasons to focus on a perform skill than nearly anyone has to focus on any other skill (especially when it can pull triple duty with versatile performance). By the time someone could afford this item (probably 10th at the very lowest) a focused character could easily have a modifier of +30 to a skill enabling them to shift their allies quite a large margin [25ft, with a 10 on the check] without provoking attacks of opportunity. Probably cap this at 10 ft. or maybe 15 ft.

The Second ability even changed to CMD (probably intended), Skill checks easily exceed attack or CMB bonuses making the perform check trivial. This would be a lot more balanced if this effected only one ally rather than all allies (even against a single foe).

Blood Twin’s Quills:

The aura should not be capitalized. Slot should be listed as “none” rather than no slot. I am not a fan of anything that potentially has large effects on effective wealth by level. This can lead to quite a lot more than 20,000gp in savings if one starts scribing high level and or high caster level scrolls. The bleed damage should be fairly trivial at the level one can afford these (even bleeding for 24 hrs at 1/hr is only 24 damage). Mundane items are generally never included in construction requirements (these are assumed in the cost of the crafting. Your spells should not be capitalized, and should be italicized.

Boiling Heart Gauntlet:

You are missing the comma in your price and cost. Overall a fun and thematic item. I think it suffers a bit from the blood and embedded tubing portions. Voters tend to downvote gore in this competition. The drawback is a bit confusing. So sickened after 4 uses, then I drink to negate, then still nauseated after 8 uses? This might have been better phrased as having 10 charges/day, one charge for the 15 ft. cone (it should have been written like that rather than as 15’), 2 charges per 5 ft. square within 30 ft. (up to 4 squares maximum per activation). This might have made it flow a bit better (as expanding daily uses is a bit strange and takes someone a bit to muddle through).

Whispering Blade:

Generally only the most important school is listed in the aura, good job with the evil though. You are missing the cost of a masterwork longsword in the price and cost (should be added to both). Missing space and period in the Weight, it should be “4 lbs.” +1 unholy longswords should be italicized. The wording of why these were created is a bit confusing (at first I read that as keep the fallen from: being revived, swelling the ranks… rather than as it is actually written). I like that you went for something designed for the bad guys, but it just feels like a SIAC attached to a sword after delving through the backstory and flavor.

HUSK OF PROTECTIVE PARCHMENT:

The name should only have the first letter of each word capitalized. “Husk of Protective Parchment”. The aura and slot should not be capitalized, no need for the word normal in the aura. Keep in mind armor is only 150 gp to masterwork (looks like you used the 300gp that weapons cost). You note that the armor has no arcane spell failure chance when transformed and conforms to the max dex, but did not note anything about armor check penalties or speed reduction. All magic armors should be at least +1 as an enhancement bonus, before having any other properties. You first refer to this as hide armor (which is in the prd) then at the end say it reverts to a masterwork hide shirt (a different armor that is not in the prd, that could disqualify you). This is essentially 4 pearls of power (1 each 1st -4th level) and provides +4 armor bonus (the same as mage armor), the pearls of power and bracers of armor +4 cost 1,320gp less than this armor, and don’t reduce armor based upon using the pearls. A it isn’t as interesting as paper themed armor could be, and B the abilities can be duplicated by existing items.

Canvas of the Dreamer:

I liked this quite a lot. I think the biggest thing that held you back with this one is that it is a very expensive consumable item. Things I liked: First there are clear mechanics for how to the creature functions. The flavor and mechanics both seem to work quite well for this. The main problem is it is hard to imagine spending so much on a consumable item.

Glimmersheen Chain:

Fairly solid item submission. I’m not sure I totally see the hypnotism connection with silversheen though I guess it is reflective. One strange thing about the lose dex/-2 penalty on the save is that it will be worse for creatures with Dex 11 or less to make the save than to succeed on it. I’d also just go with becomes flat-footed/-2 penalty (that way even if the -2 is worse for the AC, it won’t make one susceptible to sneak attacks) . It does add an interesting way to use silversheen though.

Armbands of the Mummers’ Duel:

The aura typically only lists the most important school of magic. While this is an alright item, [I love not killing opponents all of the time] it just seems a bit boring. It doesn’t have the Mojo needed for this competition. At the price though I could see some characters of mine picking up multiples and swapping them out after use between combats, not sure if that is a feature or a bug.

Murder Candle:

An item with CL 5th should have a faint aura, got an extra t in that slot description. What happens if the candle is put out in a different manner than blowing it out? (snuffing it, dosing it with water, ect). What is The strand of hair, I think this should be a strand of hair. Could easily leave off the strand of hair in the construction requirements, and you missed the i in the close brackets. Overall just a SIAC though.

Rapier of Shining Influence:

The aura is missing the strength of it (in this case moderate). I think your price/cost are 100 short (cost of a mwk rapier is 320gp not 220gp). The agile weapon enchant is not in the PRD, thus this item would/should have been disqualified. Taldan is the proper designation for something related to Taldor. The description goes on a bit too long, though it is good to for the reader to be able to visualize the item. I don’t see the connection between the blade flaring and crackling with arcane energy and dashing display of sword fighting. There is a lot of extra words here that could be tightened quite a bit. Adding the wielder’s cha to allies attack rolls is very powerful for some characters (paladins and oracles especially), the Holy Tactician archetype of paladin does something similar but only adds ½ bonus to allies. I think something more interesting than agile could be used. Agile as an enchant immediately leads my thoughts to power gameyness.

Cloak of Subterfuge:

An item with a Cl of 9 should have a moderate not a faint aura (see detect magic). The slot should not be capitalized. The text would be easier to read with some paragraphing rather than one large block of text. Why does it grant a bonus to bluff checks, I get it, but feel like it needs a bit of flavor text with this. Spells should not be capitalized and should be italicized (in both the body and the construction requirements). Skill names should be capitalized such as Spellcraft. Overall I feel like I’ve seen similar cloaks before (perhaps 3.5 magic item compendium). I think it would be hard to get an extradimensional space to be superstar (so much has already been done with them).

Belt of the Depths:

The aura text and slot text should not be capitalized. Description is good, except how does one buckle it if the starfish is just the guise of a buckle. It feels like it should also actually be a buckle. I have to say I really liked this item, though there are a few problem areas. First, there doesn’t appear to be any real reason to make this a free action, magical items default to standard action (on command), and this just feels like it makes it a bit too easy. The other main concern is how does this interact with flying/air walking/jumping. I feel like all of those would still function treating the solid surface as the ground, but am unsure. I really like the regenerating limbs, though some people might not like the 1/week thing.

Talisman of Essence Conversion:

The aura and slot text should not be capitalized. A CL 5th item should have an aura strength of faint. Your prices seem a bit strange not sure why you didn’t just go with 4,000/16,000/36,000 prices. It seems like it is fairly rare to run into many people/creatures that use the exact same resource as any given character. There are six different resources listed and only one or maybe 2 classes that use each. Ki is probably the most common of these, but still doesn’t feel like it comes up all the time. I find it hard to justify a purchase that would be so unlikely to be of much benefit. This item also feels like it should have [evil] added to the aura as it require purposefully killing a target for the express purpose of filling it up. Spells should not be capitalized and should be italicized.

Candle of Otherworldly Fire:

Faerie fire only outlines targets, making them shed light as candles, which this is already a candle. (normally only 5 ft.) I find it hard to figure out what this means. Over all the effects of this item don’t seem particularly innovative other than maybe the drawback. And the last line really makes this a hard sell to GMs, More things to figure out for them if one of their players wants to buy or craft one of these.

Lodestone Plate:

So this item is quite good. Thematic, descriptive, all of the abilities work with the theme and it doesn’t feel like it is doing too much. The main problem I see with it is that the disarm is a free action (after setting up as a swift) meaning someone could swift action activate this move through a large crowd and disarm all of them (only limit of number of free actions is GM’s discretion) as they make opportunity attacks against the wearer, or to disarm any number of foes/weapons targeted against them before their next turn. I really like the choice of using stoneplate for the loadstone armor, and the description while short, is something that I can easily picture.

Courtesan's Locket:

Typically only one school is used in the aura. Price, Weight, Description and Construction Requirements are all missing the bold tags. I am unsure of the formatting for using less than 1/2 lb. that isn’t 0. The description of the reservoir should say that it contains one dose. Then as a separate sentence make it clear that it replenishes this poison once per day. I like the idea of this item, but and unsure of the execution. Something that has a thing that is 1/day, but lasts 24 hours is problematic. Also if the thoughts are broadcast that long what happens when either the target or the wielder go to sleep? That duration has the equivalent of a CL 720 extended detect thoughts (that the caster concentrates on for the entire duration), with a range 880 times normal. I like that when reading the emotion based abilities I could tell exactly what each spell was going to be in the requirements even though none of the effects duplicate the spells exactly. While the potential for embarrassing the target is rather high, I think the spying ability of 24 hr, 10 mile detect thoughts is much, much more powerful. Most spies would be unwilling to end the effect early I expect. You are missing the italics on the spells in the construction requirements (though you got them right when referencing the item name in the text).

Quicksilver Elixir:

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an item with more than 2 schools in the aura, and most only list 1, usually the most important. Spell casting miss-chances should be rephrased as arcane spell failure chance (the actual name of the effect). The duration on the bomb is confusing, it at first seems to mean on the Con damage, but then it I think it refers to the cloud (how does the cloud lingering effect things, normally things like this are instantaneous then done). The only real use of this item I could see using for the price point is the scry effect. I think my high level characters would be willing to drop 2k on a 10 minute scry ability, but I don’t really see spending that on 1hr of mithral armor or 2d4 Con damage to very specific creature types (though maybe depending the the situation). Scry has a saving throw for the target so there should be a listed DC in the item.

Noose of Derangement Devouring:

The aura should not be capitalized, and a CL 9 item should have a moderate aura. It should read Aura moderate enchantment;
The eat insanity ability is missing the DC on the will save to resist high level spells from being eaten. Use of the spell possession probably got you disqualified as that spell is from Occult Adventures and not yet in the PRD. What happens if you eat an at-will spell like ability? This makes it really tempting to summon something with an at-will mind-effecting spell like ability and eat, and eat, and eat, storing huge amount of energy (especially as it never goes away). Even given that potential, I still don’t see many people spending that amount of cash for this item. I’d rather have a +9 weapon, a +5 stat book or something. In very few games will anyone have enough for an item like this unless it is central to their mechanics.

Crossbow of the Embracing Vine:

The aura description should not be capitalized, nor should the “none” in the slot. You are missing the comma in your price and cost. Spell names should not be capitalized. This is an interesting and ambitious item, but it leaves me with too many questions. A vine wrapped around both hands seems like it would be hard to reload. Taking 1 minute to plant ones self makes this weapon have very limited appeal. The planting grants a bonus against bull rush, but what happens if the wielder is successfully bull rushed? Are they still rooted in place, just moved or what, does the crossbow stay in place while the wielder is moved? +2 seems pretty minor especially when you give up your dex to CMD (happens anytime you lose your dex to AC). It is hard to imagine someone buying this over a similarly priced +5 weapon.

Dedicated Voter Season 9

Wolin wrote:

Portable Protective Pedestal

From memory, I was regularly voting for this item up until about the 4th cull.

<snip>

I'd be interested to see what sorts of variants of the PPP you had in mind that you temptingly hint at...

Thanks for the feedback! Solid suggestions all!

And if/when I write up the other variants, I'll let you know.... ;-)

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

OK, I've got a little extra time at the moment so I'm going to try to work in reverse for a bit, catch some of the folks who aren't likely to get as many critiques...

Amanda Plageman wrote:
Portable Protective Pedestal

I both up and down voted this. I think it was a neat idea playing with an area of the rules that I don't think are used that much, which really drew my attention.

That said, I also thought the visuals didn't work super well for me. The idea of a pedestal floating around next to my band of adventurers just seemed incongruous. I think skinning it as an impervious bubble around the item might have worked better.

I also think the name was a little bit of a turnoff. While some alliteration is good, I think typically going for three words of it is a bit overkill. It was also just kind of ... there/a little too on the nose. A good magic item name should have some mystery. I'm always reminded of a comment Clark made on my first item: "GREAT name. Simple and perfect. That name would look great on the wondrous item list and on a PC character sheet." I often think about would I want to write this down on my sheet and try to let that inform my naming.

Benjamin Miraski wrote:
Tome of Legends

I think some of the feedback you've already gotten is good. Only being used by one class is a poor choice especially for Superstar, when you're trying to appeal to the widest range of voters. Beyond that, this didn't feel like something I would spend 100,000 gp on, especially since there's a decent chance I'm not even getting the right information.

Jeff Hazuka wrote:

Master’s Final Warning

I thought this item fit its name really well -- I could see a master using it to calm an enraged student. That said, I think that image was so clear that it felt odd that it would be used by an adventurer, if that makes sense. I didn't see a martial arts master running into combat with an enraged hag (or whatever) and deciding she would use this to calm down her foe. I can certainly see why a *player* would at time want to, but the incongruousness just hurt it, at least in my mind.

A couple other thoughts: I think once/day is never a strong choice for a new special weapon feature; that's what makes it Superstar, which means most of the time this is just a normal magical sai.

Also, it typically takes a minute to make a Diplomacy check, so that added some discrepancy in terms of duration (which is it? Five rounds?).

Lastly, I think you needed to do a little more to show your design skills. The mechanism is unusual, but not enough to make this more than a spell in a can.

dubiousmx wrote:

Plush Guardian of Cuddles

Noted my thoughts above, following on Russ'.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

From Page 7:

Travis Vanderheyden wrote:

Well-Seasoned Cleaver

If clean, this weapon doubles the duration of applied blanches, poisons, infusions, and other liquid alchemical enhancements. When used for cooking the weapon grants its bearer a +5 bonus to profession (cook) skill checks made to prepare meals. If performing this task with an unclean well-seasoned cleaver, meals are infected with filth fever.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, align weapon, contagion, rage; Creator must have 5 ranks in the Profession (Cook) skill; Cost 48,153 gp

A few things in this one. Didn't care for the name at all, which felt jokey to me.

Then, as I read through it, my initial reaction turned to "ew." This gets icky quickly, with various body parts.

Beyond that, it felt a bit like a Swiss Army Knife -- has a disease effect; attracts a swarm (that if I'm reading right could attack the bearer/his allies); doubles alchemical adds; and gives a skill bonus. It was just way too much going on.

I think you've clearly got a lot of imagination but try to focus a little more on one core aspect for next year instead of trying to make it all things.

Jeff Wharton wrote:
Deadly Blade Bandolier

I think this could be a great book of magic items item, but just wasn't Superstar, IMO. You took aspects from a few other similar items and created something to apply them to different weapons. I understand why you did it, but I want to see more of what you would bring new to the game.

One of the big things I learned about public voting in Superstar -- especially for Round 1 -- is to be cinematic. I want to really see the item and what it does and something like this, where a character wouldn't even really see a +1 bonus added to a weapon, is going to struggle to reach the very top.

Browman wrote:
Djinn’s Strike

I think this was a decent enough item, but not exciting enough for Superstar (plus has a couple formatting issues, such as not italicizing the magic items in the description...). I felt like we saw a lot of moving items last year and this felt like one of those.

I also wasn't quite clear how it worked. So I activate this after making a ranged attack and am shot forward, as if I were charging. Do I get another attack? If so, with what (assuming I don't have unarmed attacks)? If I've got iterative attacks, and I use this with my first one, do I shoot forward and then use the item again for my immediate attacks? If so, that could be kind of cool, but it's just not clear to me if that's what you intend.

Arnil wrote:
Lei of Lost Souls

I don't recall seeing this during voting. There are some format errors: No commas in the price and cost; weight is missing a space and should only be "lb." if it's 1 lb; typically Paizo doesn't list material components in its magic items, such as 30 lilies; lowercase the name of the item in the description.

It's playing with some rules I like, adding reach for attacks of opportunity and allowing the wearer to attack twice -- that said, it's not quite clear how that latter part works. Is that true even if the wearer would normally only get one attack per round? How does that interact with Combat Reflexes? I think those latter questions probably really hurt the item. I think the price is also probably WAY too low for what it's granting. I can't think of a character who wouldn't want one of these for that price. Price is usually low down on the list of deciding factors for an item, but when it's off by as much as I think this is, it's something I would absolutely seriously consider.

What else? I could see some people not wanting their character to wear a lei around. The visuals of the item are nice, but they're also a little incongruous. Why does a lei grant extra attacks of opportunity. I usually think of a lei (and even flowers) as a symbol of peace/love/welcoming, which doesn't really gibe with the powers presented here.

That said, I could totally see throwing a redone one of these into a game and I think players would really enjoy it.

Jason Dandy wrote:

Rotblade of the Undying

They are always found near an inactive zombie or plague zombie that appears to be nothing more than an inanimate corpse.

This sentence that I left in from the description indicates one of my big problems that immediately turned me off the item. With Pathfinder magic items, my character can make them herself. So if she makes one of these ... a zombie just suddenly appears out of nowhere? It just can't work that way, IMO.

Beyond that, it felt like an undead creating item, which just isn't that exciting/innovative to me.

Jason Daugherty wrote:

Gloves of Refraction

I thought these were neat but dealt with circumstances that I think just don't come up for most people. I'm not saying no one's ever targeted an item I'm holding (or I've never done it to a PC when I'm GM'ing), but I think it's pretty rare.

The other two benefits are more common, but even then not something that's done at the table every day, IMO. (Also, skills -- such as Bluff -- should be capitalized.)

Kurzak wrote:
Armor of the Crow

Hi Kurzak; I liked your item and think it's an impressive entry for a first-time competitor. That said, it's an item that can only be used when your character goes unconscious, which means it's not something you really ever want to happen/get to choose to use. It's also a bit problematic in that you could end up far away from all your companions, which could cause more problems after 3 rounds. I think many people would prefer to NOT be taken away and hope their companions can get them that healing and maybe get them back in the fight.

OK, I think that's everything on Page 7

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka ugly child

Andrew Shumate wrote:
Damien Mc Gurrell wrote:

Testament of Pharasma

Aura moderate abjuration; CL 7th
Slot none;Price 10,500 gp; Weight 85 lbs.

Description
This mossy gravestone features the spiral symbol of Pharasma prominently on the front, and holy text chiseled on the reverse. The testament is carried using a looped rope on the user’s back.The testament of pharasma is a holy symbol of Pharasma that does not have to be held or retrieved to be used as a divine focus, but must remain visible. Once per day as a full round action, the user recites a litany from the reverse of the gravestone granting allies within 30 feet DR 5/- against the attacks of undead creatures for 1 minute.

Once per day the testament may be affixed to the ground. The gravestone then counts as a permanent fixture dedicated to Pharasma for the purposes of consecrate and spells that require such a fixture. This placing is activated as a standard action that does not provoke an attack of opportunity.

An affixed testament of pharasma grants you total cover similar to using a tower shield for total cover; you choose the gravestone’s facing as if using a tower shield when it is placed. The gravestone is removed from its position as a move action using the command word, but otherwise remains affixed indefinitely.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, consecrate, greater shield of fortification; Cost 5,250 gp

I mainly stopped by to look for this item. I really, really enjoyed this one and voted for it every time it came up. I like the fact that the abilities play well into each other thematically, and that it gives an opportunity to use an oft-neglected part of a spell. I also like the use of tower shield mechanics without having to actually invest in the stuff for tower shields.

However, I also am fairly sure that you were downvoted by a lot of people who felt that you had too many disparate abilities with the same item. A lot of people downvote items that have four different abilities that are linked only thematically, and that was probably the case here. Most good RPG Superstar items do a single thing and do it well. On the whole, though, a fantastic entry that nearly made it into the top 32.

Many thanks for the feedback. I was slightly worried that overt reference to Pharasma would put voters off (preferring setting neutral entries). But I figure if you are going to submit to Paizo, you might as well use all their toys.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

Just letting everyone who is checking this out know:
I am doing a thread where I critique items here. If you have anything you specifically want me to go over about your item, or if you want to talk about your item further with me; I'm willing to.

I just ask that you wait until after I get to your initial item. I'm doing them in order on that thread, to make sure I don't get side-tracked.
All I want in return, is if you could please tell me if the feedback was helpful.
:-)

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Putting my item again for the people who do not want to read every page but still like to comment on items.

I already got great points for improvement from those who did comment on my item (thank you all), but I am always interested in more.

I am a glutton for punishme ... critique I mean critique :-)

Nettlefin Sash
Aura moderate necromancy and transmutation; CL 7th
Slot chest; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
The glistening scales of this iridescent sash take a life of their own when the wearer is in combat, expanding outwards to cover her body in sharp bristling spines.

Crafted from the skin of the exotic nettlefin pufferfish, the nettlefin sash acts continuously as +1 armor spikes, except as follows:
The sash does not require being affixed to armor.
The wearer is always considered proficient in its use.
At the beginning of the wearer’s turn, she may choose to use the sash until her next turn as either a secondary natural attack or an off-hand weapon.

The sash deals damage as +1 armor spikes of the wearer’s size category.

The sash is treated as both a manufactured weapon and a natural weapon for the purpose of spells and effects that enhance or improve either manufactured weapons or natural weapons.

If the sash is worn with armor spikes, it ceases to function.

When the sharp spines of the sash deal damage, they can deliver a dose of Nettlefin Toxin poison, identical to that used by the Adaro (Bestiary 3 7).
The burning pain of the injury is soon followed by a numbing paralysis that quickly spreads throughout the creature’s body.

This ability can be used three times per day as an immediate action.

Nettlefin Toxin: injury; save Fort DC 15; frequency 1/minute for 4 minutes; effect paralyzed for 1 minute; cure 2 consecutive saves.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, poison, spike growth; Cost 9,000 gp

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.

portable protective pedistal
I didn't see this item, but I like it in concept. Unfortunately, I also think it feels quite a lot like floating disk in a can. But then, floating disk doesn't protect you from nearby hazards.

Anyways, what it boils down to for me is that this is a "trinket" - a non-essential item that doesn't grant bonuses. Which probably means I wouldn't spend more than 1/4 my total WBL even considering it. Which means I'd be level 9 before I even thought about it. And at level 9, 3 hours/day of floating disk is not nearly enough when a single casting of the spell would last me 9 hours. Most of the rest of these effects could be replicated by other level 1 spells as well, like air bubble.

in conclusion - price and power don't really match up well. And, the effect is neat, but too close to the effect of a level 1 spell to be really 'wow'.

Nettlefin Sash
On first glance, it looks like you had trouble writing this item because no two sentences are in the same paragraph. The first seven paragraphs, for instance, could probably have been merged into one or two paragraphs.

I mean, it's a cool idea: armor spikes that you don't need to have affixed to armor. And can be poisonous. The price point seems off, though. for 18,000 gp, I'd expect this to have about a +2 enhancement bonus, not a +1.

I think practicing writing sentences that flow together into a paragraph would help you a lot.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Kigvan wrote:

Canvas of the Dreamer:

I liked this quite a lot. I think the biggest thing that held you back with this one is that it is a very expensive consumable item. Things I liked: First there are clear mechanics for how to the creature functions. The flavor and mechanics both seem to work quite well for this. The main problem is it is hard to imagine spending so much on a consumable item.

Thank you and Response to Canvas of the Dreamer Critique:

Thank you very much for the critique Kigvan, and thank you too on behalf the community for commenting on everyone's items! I know from pat years how much work it is.

And yeah, the cost so much is everyone's gripe, and I've commented on why it's so expensive in two (Link & Link) other spaces, so I won't bother here again.

Thanks again!

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
RonarsCorruption wrote:

Nettlefin Sash

On first glance, it looks like you had trouble writing this item because no two sentences are in the same paragraph. The first seven paragraphs, for instance, could probably have been merged into one or two paragraphs.

I think this is the result of producing a tiresome wall of text the season before, combined with my fear of waxing uncontrollably poetic, which I tend to do in English because it is not my native language.

I will strike for the balance you indicate next time :-)

Quote:
I mean, it's a cool idea: armor spikes that you don't need to have affixed to armor. And can be poisonous. The price point seems off, though. for 18,000 gp, I'd expect this to have about a +2 enhancement bonus, not a +1.

Most interesting point about the price. You are the first person to mention this and it gives me food for thought. I was so focussed on the designer's and GM's point of view on my item that I forgot the simple player's point of view.

And making it +2 would not have upped the price that much. I was just so engrossed in the whole devilish pricing method that I did not even think of considering this.

Quote:
I think practicing writing sentences that flow together into a paragraph would help you a lot.

Will do. Thanks for the tip ;-)


Fluxbane Khopesh
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 28,320 gp; Weight 8 lbs.
Description
Finely engraved hieroglyphs depicting a wide variety of creatures decorate the blade of this +2 khopesh. It functions as a bane weapon, except that whenever its wielder confirms a critical hit with the weapon, a corresponding hieroglyph on its blade briefly glows blue and its hilt smoothly transforms into a shape representing the type of creature struck, such as a bone to represent an undead creature. Furthermore, the weapon's designated foe immediately changes to match the type of creature struck (and subtype for humanoids or outsiders).

The increased enhancement bonus and extra damage dice resulting from a fluxbane khopesh's newly designated foe apply to the critical hit that triggered its transformation. The weapon's appearance and designated foe persist until the wielder confirms another critical hit with the weapon, at which point it changes once again as described above.

There is no limit to the number of times a fluxbane khopesh's appearance and designated foe can change in this manner.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, polymorph, summon monster I; Cost 14,320 gp

Star Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Quote:
Fluxbane Khopesh

It was neat visually, but I ultimately voted the other way because it didn't offer an interesting play dynamic.

What does this weapon do? Well, it's a bane weapon that changes its bane type when it confirms a critical.
Alright, but what does that mean? The bane property gives a +2 to hit and +2d6 damage against targets of the bane type.
So, ultimately, what this weapon does is give an occasional boost to damage and accuracy. Which is fine, but is it Super Star?

Let's compare this to a Super Star item: the Daylight Diadem.
The Daylight Diadem offers two different effects that have two different use-dynamics. On top of this, it offers the player the chance to forgo the long-term opportunities of using the first effect for the impressive short-term benefits of the second effect. The item creates a compelling play dynamic by introducing this form of player-driven choice. In short, the item's presence adds depth to play.

You do have a way with making your item's ability very flavorful. It's narrative cohesion is very sound, so while the ability is a bit underwhelming, your conceptual grasp of item visuals is very good.

Marathon Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Fluxbane Khopesh

I definitely thought that of the several bane weapons that changed what their bane was, this was easily the best done. The concept isn't that original, but it's a thing that maybe deserves a place in the game. And I don't think they could do it much better than you have.

Mechanically I thought I worked well, wasn't horrendously overpriced for what it did and had appealing visuals. Using a different weapon like the khopesh was a fun design choice, and that immediately stood out to me.

In practice I was still voting for this sometimes right up to the end, but because its concept wasn't original at all, if it came up against anything more creative it almost invariably lost.


Wolin wrote:

Fluxbane Khopesh

I'm glad to hear you say that its ability deserves a place in the game. A few months before the contest, I had already written fluxbane as a weapon special ability, and was hanging on to the ability for some undeterrmined future use. When the contest popped up as a surprise, I adapted the ability into this specific weapon.

I'm beginning to realize that when it comes to RPG design, I'm better at presentation and writing than I am at generating original concepts.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

Isaac Volynskiy wrote:

I'm definitely planning to come back here and do some critiques once the contest allows.

People I've workshopped already know my thoughts but if you've done some revisions and want me to take another look, PM me and I'll not skip over you.

There's a lot of items here. I'm not going to do every item (tons of respect to the reviewers that do that, seriously) and I'm going to be brief. I'm mostly going to comment on names, as that was kind of my thing in Season 8.

@Green Flash: You've gotten feedback about the name. I want to echo it.
@Gorgon Sinew Lariat: Super cool name here.
@Cyclonic Darkleaf: This was on my keep list, so I'm not surprised to learn you made it, Brigg. The name is good but...there's just something iffy about it. Maybe a different word than Cyclonic would've been better.
@Vudrani Fighting Rope: This seems more like a bounty hunter's best friend than a monastic tool. Still, liked it a lot. Could it have been an existing type of weapon such as a whip or a flying blade?
@Twin Star Breastplate: Cool mechanics here! The name doesn't tell me what to expect though. I first thought of wandering star motes.
@Stormleaper's Greaves: I saw this as a homage to Kaladin, and seeing as I'm a Sanderson fantasy addict, that meant they were pretty dang cool.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

Kerney wrote:


The connection of aging spirits and changing people is nebulous for some.

It is too heavy and too expensive.

The formatting in word did not translate here. My fixes were not as good as they needed to be.

Saw it mostly as a retraining tool to save money and time, but others might have seen it as a plot point to use against characters.

Spell choices to represent this proccess were difficult and that should have been a clue.

Hope that part is helpful to others.

Soul Brew Barrel
Auramoderate conjuration, enchantment and transmutation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 171,000 gp; Weight 120 lbs.
Description
This large white oak barrel is perfect for aging whiskey or similar spirits. Only elaborate knotwork carvings on the lid that sometimes resemble evolving humanoid figures hint at its other purpose.

A willing or helpless medium or smaller humanoid sealed into the barrel with the aging spirits need not eat, breathe, and are considered unconscious until the cask is opened. Gradually, they soak up the flavor and characteristics associated with the surrounding brew. With a successful Profession (brewer) check (DC 10+days aged inside the barrel) characteristics detailed below, skill ranks, archetypes, class features, feats, known spells and class levels may be instilled as if retrained (Ultimate Campaign) using those rules unless otherwise noted below. Changes are determined...

I saw you mentioned not getting much feedback yet, so wanted to chime in. I think you're definitely correct about price and weight being a significant detriment. Those raised red flags for me as soon as I saw them (though I don't remember actually seeing this in voting).

Some other thoughts:
I think one of the big things with the public voting is to be cinematic. People want to see the item doing something. What you've got here is fairly passive (you age in the barrel and come out different), and in someways a bit meta. Yes, retraining is a thing, but something like an archetype is a game term, not something a character says. I can be a bounty hunter, for example, regardless of what class or archetype I am.

You've also got a couple small writing and style issues -- spells should be lowercase, size should be uppercase (so "Medium or smaller"), plus you switch from a single target ("A willing or helpless medium or smaller humanoid") to plural verb/pronouns ("are considered unconscious ... they soak up...").

That said, I really like the idea of a wine barrel as a base item. I think that's one of the areas you can really show some creativity, and I'm really glad wondrous items were back this season for that reason. With some work, I could see this appear in a book of magic items, I think, though it's not a good choice for Superstar.

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Thanks for the feed back. Truthfully, I think I regretted entering this item the day I did. That said, the drama value was a very good point.

I'm thinking making it a single use item (or something like it) would add to the drama and lower the cost.

Also already have another barrel ready for nine blazing months.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Me too, except that will mean this season is over & I am having fun with a ramp up to Halloween Superstar & we have seen some amazing stuff & the choices have been difficult due to quality.

still in anticipation of folks are getting close to page 6...

Silver Crusade RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Zahir ibn Mahmoud ibn Jothan

Green Flash

Focusing just on the name of the item, which appears to have bothered quite a few as an IP infringement (double, or otherwise).

I particularly like it when someone can highlight a lesser known, but still real event, and bring it into the fantasy world.

I fear there are a number of people unfamiliar with the actual Green Flash that occurs, and thus their minds went to the superheroes, instead of the event that was intended.

Lantern Lodge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka SirGeshko

I'm a bit late to the party, but I wanted to see what I could improve for next year!

Baritsu Cane
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 20,345 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This +1 answering inspired sword cane is made of a smooth darkwood, with a simple but elegant metal handle. When the wielder uses the opportune parry and riposte deed and successfully strikes her opponent, she can use throw her opponent off balance. By succeeding at a dirty trick maneuver, she can inflict the confusion condition on her opponent for 1 round.
Construction
Requirements Craft Arms and Armor, Dirty Trick, confusion, lesser, good hope, creator must have the opportune parry and riposte deed; Cost 10,173 gp


Items that sprung out to me were...

a) you say the creator must have parry & deed but then the wielder is the one using them to allow for the dirty trick...

b) it's a lot of ifs, if I have the parry & deed, and if I hit and if I make a successful dirty trick...

I suspect you were too conscious of preserving game balance and so narrowed the appeal to players, e.g.

I would simplify the usage so that the creator must have the parry/deed but the wielder only needs to make a successful dirty trick on a hit - this would widen the pc appeal - at the moment you are requiring a particular pc "build" to get the best out of the weapon.

c) The wording for inflicting a condition on your opponent doesnt feel right - I haven't got my books to hand, but I *think*, off the top of my head, that an opponent "gains" conditions rather than has them inflicted on them.

And, as a tip for everyone, always check for wording and match what is in the books, even if it eats a few extra words (you had plenty spare in this case).

Hope that helps

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

Christopher Donnangelo wrote:

I'm a bit late to the party, but I wanted to see what I could improve for next year!

Baritsu Cane
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 20,345 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This +1 answering inspired sword cane is made of a smooth darkwood, with a simple but elegant metal handle. When the wielder uses the opportune parry and riposte deed and successfully strikes her opponent, she can use throw her opponent off balance. By succeeding at a dirty trick maneuver, she can inflict the confusion condition on her opponent for 1 round.
Construction
Requirements Craft Arms and Armor, Dirty Trick, confusion, lesser, good hope, creator must have the opportune parry and riposte deed; Cost 10,173 gp

The Good Love sword canes and that is a solid design space.

The Bad Confusion without a save seems out of place as a mechanic, not a fan of the name.
The Ugly Sparse description when you have tons of word count left is a dark mark for me as a voter, feels lazy and I avoid voting for lazy. This is a mass audience you need a little more cinematic flare to make them excited to vote for you.
Overall Season 8's top 32 was in my opinion the KISS top 32. The judges got a sort which fired out all sorts of cinematic pyrotechnics the items that ended up standing out to them became the ones that did one good thing well... but the straw polls and previous years of voting exposed what the public likes. Basically you played to the wrong audience. This for me is a solid item that you could toss in a book but not superstar for me like it would make the culls but not top 100 in my opinion.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Kurzak wrote:


Armor of the Crow
Aura moderate transmutation and conjuration; CL 9th
Slot armor; Price 46,300 gp; Weight 15 lbs.
Description
This black +2 studded leather armor is entirely embossed with small crow feathers. When the armor is first created there are ten additional, larger crow feathers embossed on the chest, five just above each breast. When the wearer takes damage reducing her hit points to zero or below, but not dead, the armor instantaneously heals the wearer to 1d4 hit points above zero and transforms the wearer (including all of her equipment) into a murder of ten crows for three rounds. During these three rounds the wearer is not in control of the crows and is effectively unconscious. The crows use the three rounds to fly as fast and as far as possible (base fly speed of 40 ft.) to the safest location they can find (based on crow senses – GM’s discretion). At the end of three rounds they land on the ground and the wearer is transformed back to her original form. Each time the armor functions in this manner one of the ten larger crow feathers disappears from the armor. Once all of the larger feathers are gone the armor becomes normal +2 studded leather armor. If the wearer loses enough hit points from one source to become dead, the armor alone transforms into a murder of crows then dissipates into a black vapor, destroyed forever, leaving the body behind.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, cure serious wounds, beast shape II or Polymorph; Cost 23,325 gp

This was on my keep list. This is because I started to laugh when I imagined this in one of my games. I cannae say if it was for a specific character, but I think it just came to the visuals. (or because I tend to attract a lot of crits and max damage on dice...)

  • Armor is intended to protect. In my mind, armor that heals a dropped character is fulfilling its role in a way that goes beyond the mechanical AC. This doesn't just heal the character though, it effectively takes her out of combat for a few rounds. In most cases, long enough for a combat to finish. This was a decent balance that normal healing doesn't have (up at 1 hp? I can cou d'grace!) also... the barbarian's axe slices into the rogue's chest splitting her in two, then three, then a full murder of crows. would be fun to play. :)

  • Mechanically it creates a lot of paperwork. GM now has one more thing to control & lots more to figure out (AoO?, susceptible to AoE?, path to avoid the giant with reach, etc.). It might have been better to simply call out the distance moved and for how long. It might have been enough to say 'as a swarm' etc. (murder of crows is not exactly a game term). The 'ten feathers' and charges seems mechanically complicated as well. I would drop it to once, thrice, or drop charges altogether. 10 times dying is more than enough for most characters to retire, making it effectively permanent. (again more things to keep track of!) A recharge option would be good, if it was one time. Finally I would change it so that when a character goes to true dead, the armor flies away, but it not permanently lost. Death is a temporary setback for most 9th level PCs, the loss of armor should be as well.

  • Thematically I am not sure on crows. They are traditionally feeders of carrion, so why would these crows prevent carrion? But corvids are cool so it gets a pass. :)

  • Grammatically I found too many run-on sentences. This may have led to the GM complications mentioned above. I think this also led to a little bit of repetitiveness and made it feel wordy. It could benefit from a more active voice, come on this makes the act of dying pretty dynamic, the grammar should as well. :)

    In short I would love for my players to (almost) defeat someone wearing this. This gives them a chase/tracking scene or even better a recurring villain. Nice work :)

  • Star Voter Season 9

    Jacob W. Michaels wrote:
    Tommi Brander wrote:

    Fluttering sphere

    Spoiler:

    I liked your item a lot; I think it was my favorite of the butterfly items and I would have expected to see it in the Top 32 over the figurine and brooch, honestly. I think its biggest problem is the randomness of it; because you can't determine which flutter you end up in (or even who uses them), it's hard to use this item tactically (you'd almost be encouraged to use it every other day, so you know where you're going to end up). It could also end up getting left behind easily depending where the last flutter forms.

    I didn't mind the name -- I have a strong bias toward names that don't use "of the," which this doesn't. I might try to get more reference to what it does in there; Flickering sphere? Flutterfly sphere?

    I would leave "favored by" implicit. If it's butterfly-themed, I think we can all assume it's got a Desna flavor. In addition, players who aren't involved with Desna will hopefully like your item.

    I'm OK with the price. The randomness and slow recharge method definitely should make it cheaper.

    Thanks for the advice!

    351 to 400 of 410 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | next > last >>
    Community / Forums / Archive / Paizo / RPG Superstar™ / General Discussion / Critique My Item Please! All Messageboards

    Want to post a reply? Sign in.