Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?

[quibblemuch]

Player 1: "I'll perform a Heal check."

*rolls 1*

Player 2: "Hey! Hey! Hey! That is NOT where that thermometer goes!"

[David M Mallon]

quibblemuch wrote:

Player 1: "I'll perform a Heal check."

*rolls 1*

Player 2: "Hey! Hey! Hey! That is NOT where that thermometer goes!"

This one goes in your mouth, this one goes in your ear, and this one goes in your butt. S@&%, hang on a second...

[Tormsskull]

About a year ago, playing RotRL, the group got to the point where they entered a tower and there is some kind of golem or something that is hidden waiting for him. The group starts to ascend the stairs, golem approaches, group fails their perception checks.

Golem attacks gunslinger PC with scythe, rolls a critical hit, confirms. x4 damage = dead gunslinger. I described the gunslinger as being cut in half.

One player came back from the bathroom, asked what happened to the gunslinger, I said: "He split."

Group died laughing. Then another player started playing this song on laptop.

[Dire Elf]

GM: "You've got two lizards on ya." (Yes, he said "ya" not "you." He's from Oklahoma.)
Player: "Two lizard lasagna?"

The ranger is up in a tree, shooting at things. A fire toad sets the tree on fire.
Player: "Doesn't this tree have treevasion?"

[Flashohol]

"Die traitorous scum!"

-The troll when entering every room in the dungeon after we convinced it his allies were plotting against him.

[Liranys]

Malachi Silverclaw wrote:

Soilent wrote:

This happened this week, actually.

A greater Shadow attacked the party while they were asleep, only one person had knowledge Religion, and failed to identify it, so they began referring to the creature as "The Darkness".

The sorcerer, having just gotten all his spells back, was very excited about the combat, and shouted "I CAST MAGIC MISSILE INTO THE DARKNESS!"

The entire table started cackling and he had no idea why. Appearently he had never even heard the phrase before, which warms the cockles of my dried up GM's heart.

I've never come across the phrase either. What's going on?

Dungeons and Dragons by The Dead Ale Wives. Youtube it. It's worth it.

[Ragadolf]

Liranys wrote:

Malachi Silverclaw wrote:

Soilent wrote:

This happened this week, actually.

A greater Shadow attacked the party while they were asleep, only one person had knowledge Religion, and failed to identify it, so they began referring to the creature as "The Darkness".

The sorcerer, having just gotten all his spells back, was very excited about the combat, and shouted "I CAST MAGIC MISSILE INTO THE DARKNESS!"

The entire table started cackling and he had no idea why. Appearently he had never even heard the phrase before, which warms the cockles of my dried up GM's heart.

I've never come across the phrase either. What's going on?

Dungeons and Dragons by The Dead Ale Wives. Youtube it. It's worth it.

Also, (If I'm not mistaken, my memory not being what it once was) The phrase was originally coined in ZORK. 'I attack the Darkness'.

(ZORK being 'the original' adventure game, back when all such games were text-only. You were described a room/situation, and you typed out your action/response. The game was very limited and literal, and only the exactly-correct response would solve the puzzle/problem. It was famous for having darkness-areas that could only be passed if you had a light source, otherwise it would not allow you to proceed. This is also where 'Eaten by a Grue' came from.)

:)

[David M Mallon]

Ragadolf wrote:

Also, (If I'm not mistaken, my memory not being what it once was) The phrase was originally coined in ZORK. 'I attack the Darkness'.

(ZORK being 'the original' adventure game, back when all such games were text-only. You were described a room/situation, and you typed out your action/response. The game was very limited and literal, and only the exactly-correct response would solve the puzzle/problem. It was famous for having darkness-areas that could only be passed if you had a light source, otherwise it would not allow you to proceed. This is also where 'Eaten by a Grue' came from.)

:)

It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

[havoc xiii]

PbP wrath of the righteous
Dm
"Aside from your blessed appearance what brings you to the Darklands?"

One of his attendants tries to give him a potion, which he quickly tries to wave off as he waits for your answer.

Jaeger di Angelo

"We jus admirin de scenery Vieux. Jus thought it be a nice change o' pace seein as de surface all full a demons." Jaeger says his cocky nature unable to let him just sit back whilst there is talking to be done.

Ethyra di Angelo
Ethyra wallops him over the head with a quick swift pop of the hand. She does this with a smile as if nothing happened. "I'm sorry Captain Sull what my husband meant to say was that there was an attack on Kenabris and we fell in a hole during it and ended up here. While trying to find a way out we happened upon Sinoa. I just wish that we could have found her sooner, I pray that Desna will allow her sweet dreams to cover the waking nightmare she endured."

Jaeger di Angelo
What the hell baby, did you just Gibbs me?

Jaeger crosses his arm and gives his wife a look of false indignation.

------------------
Jaeger
Jaeger casts his eyes over the room eyeing the bunks. "Looks ta be rather cozy, no?" He says with a grin. "Nothin like sleepin under tons and tons o' dirt an rocks above us."

He says as he throws himself onto one of the bunks dragging Ethyra along for the ride.

Ethyra

Ethyra rolls her tired eyes while smiling at her silly husband, "well when you put it like that, it sounds lovely. It keeps the heart rate up like a good workout while sleeping, because the mere thought of all this dirt caving in on us will keep you a little.....paranoid! I'm sure it does wonders for your health, energizing for sure. Good night my love," she wraps her arms around him extra dramatic then pecks him on the cheeks "hope we don't get buried alive and turn into nom noms for the worms."

-----------------

[limsk]

After dispatching his attacker, the warrior in the party turns to the druid named Job who was still struggling with his foe. Before his brain fully processed what came out of his mouth next, the warrior shouted: "Do you need a hand, Job?"

For weeks after that, the gaming sessions were filled with instances of other party members asking the warrior for a hand at inopportune moments.

[Galnörag]

The set-up, a crazy monster who reads peoples minds and projects there thoughts out-loud, proceeded by a PC earlier failing a saving throw vs insanity, and randomly rolling a fairly antisocial homicidal from of insanity. To maintain the suspense and mystery, I ask for each player to write down their characters surface thoughts, which I will shuffle and read, and of course the players known that someone is insane but the characters do not.

While reading through them, and everyone trying to be a little bit funny, I get the usual like "Boy my armour is chaffing today, and I mean chaffing" or "Boy I could do with a few fewer tentacle monsters today." When I hit the insane guys note: "How do I kill the paladin without anyone knowing that it was me."

The game had to stop from side splitting laughter.

[Turin the Mad]

" Are you sure that the boards think rogues suck? 'cause our rogue is killing everything that moves. The Fighter is her distraction!"

[Domestichauscat]

One time one of the players gave this piece of gold:

"This place has been built for one specific purpose. To party."

[Doki-Chan]

So, we're playing WotW Book 1 at the mo, staking out the town before a certain invasion is supposed to happen to it

Hunter has recced the town Alchemist sneaking off to his secret place and building his you know what.... we decide my character should seduce him to get him to spill the beans on just exactly what he wants to use his secret project for...

GM rolls to spot if my Sorceress Diplomancer is found out chatting the Alchemist up...

GM: "well, he appears to have no Sense Motive to speak of, and he's just rolled a {low number}..."

Me: "Yes, he's fallen right into her vagenda..."

(Borrowed from Fringe)

[Wei Ji the Learner]

During one particular module we'd managed to defeat a BBEG.

However, part of our goal was to find out their motivations/goals/plans, etc.

Player 1: "Well, I've got some nice silk rope" This was followed by upraised eyebrows.

Player 2: "I happen to have this block and tackle" There may have been some shifty eyes going on there.

Player 3: "And I have the right skills to use it!" Table dies for about five minutes.

[Turin the Mad]

The group is setting up clones for "oh poo, we died" contingencies. The gnome rogue, playing her first-ever Pathfinder/D&D campaign, has a well-established habit of eating things that most sane (and even most insane) people wouldn't put in their stomachs just to see what they taste like.

"So, since we're cutting pieces of us off, I cut a double-sized piece of me off, hand half over to make my clone (deliberate pause) and eat the other half. Do I taste good?"

Said gnome rogue has Skill Mastery (Perception, Stealth, 2 other skills I don't remember) with Perception +39 and Stealth +51 (without invisibility). "She can't see herself even if she's dying!"

[Dire Elf]

Yesterday's session got pretty silly.

Two players are talking about a third player whose PC was recently the victim of a magic jar spell.
Player A: "This is your favorite body?"
Player B: "It's where he keeps all his stuff."

The players are attempting to remove an evil sigil from a tree.
Player 1: "The tree doesn't expect that. I attack its limbic system."
Player 2: "Let's get to the root of it!"
Player 3: "Please, just leaf."

Later, the group encounters a portal to a realm of evil and are trying to determine how to permanently close or destroy it. The players are speculating on what their enemies will do when they find their portal unusable.
Player A: "This portal is out of warranty. We can't work on it."
Player B: "We don't support interdimensional portal version 2.0."

After an NPC tells the party that there is a hydra nearby, one player rolls really well on a Knowledge: Dungeoneering check and the GM reads the players some information about the abilities of hydras.
GM: "A hydra can always see you coming, even if he's too fat to move."
Player (as hydra): "'I can see you. Don't make me get off this couch.'"

[GM_Beernorg]

Playing in a home brew game, PF rules. Party consists of my friend Jay (half-elf ninja) Chris (human ranger from the north, worships the drunken god) Andrew (human inquisitor of the drunken god) and me (vishkanya paladin of the dawn flower)

Long story short the inquisitor heads to a bar soon as game begins. Buys some strange beverage (fermented lizard milk, which my SNAKE woman finds disturbing cause, you know, HOW does that work exactly and NO I cannot and WILL NOT make you more!) from a four armed ape bar tender. Proceeds to drink the stuff. Goes into a hallucinogenic state and starts making out with a boar woman (Grishal as they are called in game.) My paladin is sitting next to him, having to endure the pork filled make-out session.

when inquisitor comes too again, wonders what the horrible taste in his mouth this.

My paladin "For the last three hours you have been making out with very fresh bacon!"

Later we find out that doing this marks you as the Grishals mate, and that humans tend to far poorly when mating with Grishal, as it, it kills them. He has her scent on him, and we find out only tomato juice will get it off. I take him to a place where they have tomato baths. That night while he soaks (the stink is REALLY tough to get off) a boar attacks him. He kills the boar, which came in at dusk while paladin was praying. She finds him with dead boar and chimes in "Oh, sorry, looks like your new GF has angry brothers."

Later we learn the female Grishal is looking for the inquisitor for "lovin" and the inquisitor freaks out. Paladin volunteers to help him watch out for boar woman. During this time, she tells the inquisitor "Next time this happens, and I suspect there will be a next time, I'm just gonna watch."

However best line comes when inquisitor now addicted to lizard milk, drinks it at a horribly improper and dangerous time. Paladin grabs the wine skin of the stuff and throws it away yelling:

"Never again, never again with the lizard milk!"

[barry lyndon]

Last game we played of AD&D many years ago. We'd kind of over-binged on it.

A terrible tavern in a cliched and lacklustre village in a tedious homemade campaign (mine). Bored player walks in, almost immediately shoves the barkeep down the cellar steps putting his dagger to his throat and screaming "WHERE'S THE F*&^ING MODULE?!"

[David M Mallon]

barry lyndon wrote:

Last game we played of AD&D many years ago. We'd kind of over-binged on it.

A terrible tavern in a cliched and lacklustre village in a tedious homemade campaign (mine). Bored player walks in, almost immediately shoves the barkeep down the cellar steps putting his dagger to his throat and screaming "WHERE'S THE F*&^ING MODULE?!"

2 solid minutes of laughter. You win the lottery.

[JasonX]

So we have a relatively new player that wanted to play an arcane caster type. Some of the more munchkin members of our group helped him build a half orc witch that has all of his casting and abilities based on his Con instead of Int. Much later we get in a huge fight and our main healer, an Oracle, goes down from just one attack. The new player makes a comment about him going down so easily. The Oracle explains that he isn't meant for melee and the attacks knocked him out easily because he is a caster. To which the new guy (whose character has almost 300 hp) says, "I'm a caster too."

[Turin the Mad]

"Me am caster too, *grunt*." ;)

[lucky7]

barry lyndon wrote:

Last game we played of AD&D many years ago. We'd kind of over-binged on it.

A terrible tavern in a cliched and lacklustre village in a tedious homemade campaign (mine). Bored player walks in, almost immediately shoves the barkeep down the cellar steps putting his dagger to his throat and screaming "WHERE'S THE F*&^ING MODULE?!"

Oh goodness. That was...astounding. Bravo, good sir. Bravo.

[Meat]

From GenCon '15:

My Paladin (a noble Lady) and the Summoners creepy goblinish eidolon Oogli were forward and next to each other when the both of us got blasted by an effect that nauseated both of us and knocked us prone. On my next turn I stood and said: "Good god, Oogli what have you been eating?"

[The Alkenstarian]

From tonight's Legacy of Fire-session.

Grumpy, arrogant and snobby wizard looks around a room which has just seen two successful, consecutive fights against capable enemies, then to his comrades, then to the corpses of the dead on the floor, before stating in a complete deadpan:

Amusing but icky ickiness:

"Fecal matter has been fornicated with!"

[Turin the Mad]

Having just hacked Runelord Sorshen into chunks ...

" She's got a 50 Charisma, even as a dismembered pile of carrion she's smoking hot!! " *Gibbs-slapping ensues*

The latter from the quoted player's wife. ;)

[Blackbot]

Savage Worlds - Rippers.

The group investigated the disappearance of several children. We figured out they'd be used in a blood ritual to summon a powerful demon (or something like that). When we reached the place of the ritual the cultists had already bound the children to pillars and one kid was bleeding already - we had to stop them and the fight started.

Professor: "We have to stop them! If too much of their blood gets spilled something horrible will happen! I throw a fireball!"
GM: "Er...your target is standing right next to the children..."
Professor: "Well, burnt kids don't bleed!"

He was convinced to not throw the fireball (it wasn't really meant seriously anways), but "Burnt kids don't bleed" stuck with us for the rest of the con.

[LazarX]

While it did not get the table laughing... it silenced an entire room of tables at Origins.

Scenario. Me and my spouse both playing characters at the massive Temple of Elemental Evil assault special for Living Greyhawk back in Third Edition days. Mike was still Jennifer at the time.

Jennifer shouting out to the GM: "If I survive this round, I'll give you a blow job!"

Character was one shotted insta dead by a critical hit from an ogre immediately on the next phase.

[Gesrith]

Playing through one of the Pathfinder scenarios with a group at a local store. I was helping out with keeping poisoned animals healthy, but was unfortunately unable to save a few. One of the party members who was doing something away from the camp where I was mending animals tries to console someone who lost a pet.

"Sorry for your loss, I did the best I could." I just look at the other person, "No you didn't, you weren't there."

Table went completely silent for a bit, before everyone except for the other person burst into laughter.

[HeHateMe]

My group went up against a Varghouille, and my character was second in initiative. For those of you who don't know, this creature is basically a flying monstrous head with bat wings, and it has a special attack called the "Varghouille's Kiss", which basically turns you into a Varghouille if you fail a saving throw.

The person who won initiative was our cleric, and he made a knowledge check on the monster and thus knew about the "kiss" attack, but the rest of us didn't. As my Ranger charged the monster the cleric quickly yells out "DON'T LET IT KISS YOU!"

That drew alot of laughter from the players, and confused looks from our characters lol.

[Kchaka]

So, we're playing this adventure and the DM puts this flesh golem made of even parts with 6 arms using 2 bows. The fight stats but the golem is is only using 4 of his arms, so we ask "why does he has 6 arms?". The DM checks the golem's stats to see if he missed anything and also confused says "beats me", and so I raise raise my two hands, smile, and make a heart sign.

[thegreenteagamer]

GM (stealing my line I always drop from me) "You stab him with your steely knife"

Player Under 20 looking confused.

Me "But you just can't kill the beast!"

Player Under 20 still doesn't get it. All of us groan and proceed to hate him.

Female Player "It's the Eagles, man!"

Me "Take it easy, lady. It's before his time. There's no need to be a witchy woman about it. You need to have a peaceful, easy feeling!"

Groans all around. I am triumphant.

[jemstone]

GM: "Beware the power of... V3!"

Player 1: "Of what?"

Me: "V3... You know, the U2 cover band?"

[KaiserBruno]

Playing through Book 1 of Iron Gods, we got to the bio-dome.

While fighting the gelarn, our drunken brute/brutal puglist half-orc barbarian climbed on top of the creature in an attempt to sunder its shell.

The Gelarn retreated into its shell and proceeded to burrow into the sand and our happy-go-lucky alcoholic barbarian was sucked down into the earth with it.

Our remaining party members, a dex-based human fighter and an apathetic android wizard tried to think of way to detect where he was and help dig him out.

Our wizard's smartass answer to this problem?

"I cast Detect Magic, because life is magical man."

I about beat my head off the table. Especially since it worked (barb was giving off evocation and conjuration vibes like a reactor thanks to drinking a magical whiskey).

[blood_kite]

Wizard: I cast detect magic and scan the room.

GM: After a few rounds of scanning you narrow down that the irregular plinth at the center of the fountain radiates overwhelming magic.

Wizard: Really! What school?

GM: Universal.

Wizard: (Gasp) There's only one spell that could be! I HUG THE STONE AND WISH FOR A PONY!!

[Matthew Morris]

How about a whole room?

Siege of Serpents.

Coordinating GM reading boxed text. "<redacted> is... indisposed."

Player at my table. "Yeah... Let's go with that." (They'd made a dc 33 skill check, so I keyed them in on behind the scenes stuff.)

Everyone who had played that encounter busted out laughing.

[Dire Elf]

Player 1: "Antitoxins work best if they're used before you're toxinated."
Player 2: "I'm so intoxinated right now."

The players were trying to skirt around a pressure plate that triggered a trap. They ended up putting a collapsible plank across the plate to get past it.
GM: "So you're all charging down the hallway and stomping on the area beside the plank?"
Player: "I river-dance on it."

The campaign location has an Egyptian theme, with a lot of names beginning with P followed by another consonant. The players started adding a P to the beginning of other words, especially p-dick, as in "What a p-dick!" or "That's a p-dick move!"
This finally culminated when they found two identical corridors in the dungeon they were exploring.
Player: "At least they were p-symmetrical p-dicks."

[Krensky]

One of my GMs has a very long running campaign world. Like back to the eighties long.

At one point, as he tells it, a party was inside Baba Yaga's Hut.

Wizard: I cast detect magic.
GM: You're inside an artifact.
Wizard: Yeah, I want to see what's magical in here.
GM: Ok.
* GM turns to the rest of the party.
GM: Bob starts screaming and clutching his eyes. You can make out something about the light and blindness.

[blood_kite]

Player: I suppose we'll need new and appropriate clothes for this party. It would be nice if Mortaine went with something beyond 'concealing black robe and hood' or 'black laminated full plate.

Warmage Mortaine: I don't have to be wearing all black, just as long as I have something black.

Me: Like his heart.

[Dire Elf]

We're playing through the Mummy's Mask Adventure Path.

GM: "You have found the Tomb of Akhantepi."
Player: "I thought we'd been in the tomb of Akhantepi all along!"
GM: "Now you're in the tomb-tomb of Akhantepi-tepi."

[Charles Scholz]

GM: Time for initiatives.
Human: 12
Dwarf: 15
Psion: 7
Elf: *Rolls dice* Holy S#!t.
GM: And the elf goes on Holy S#!t.

[Calybos1]

Way, waaaay back in Season Zero was a scenario called “Decline of Glory.” I guess I should still spoiler-tag it, just in case.

Spoiler:

The setup is that the Pathfinders are sent to meet up with a young Taldor man who’s inherited the lands of his dead father, a former Pathfinder. Their mission is to convince him to donate property to set up a new Pathfinder lodge in the area.

When they first meet the heir, he’s fighting for his life against a band of mercenaries who want to seize the area and take advantage of a new title-for-your-land deal with the Emperor: reclaim some imperial land, you become a noble. So the party rescues the heir from certain death.

Heir: “I can’t thank you enough. They were going to kill me! Because of that stupid law, these thugs are trying to seize my father’s land and set themselves up as noblemen. Unbelievable.”

Ranger: “Yeah, it sucks when total strangers come barging into your land, wanting to take it for their own purposes. Umm, we need to talk later.”

[Dire Elf]

The GM was trying to describe how a character would feel when affected by necrotic damage.
Other player: "For a moment you're languid with ennui."

The party's fighter is terrified of a visit from his "grannies". There seem to be a lot more of them than an ordinary person would have. We were discussing why he had so many grannies.
Another player: "It takes a whole village to raise a <fighter's name>."

The characters frequent an inn where one of the servers is an older lady who's not terribly attractive.
GM to fighter's player: "You catch her eye and she winks at you."
Fighter's player: "Ugh!" (shudders)

[thaX]

*PFS Character Introduction*

I made this character after getting ------ out of a Goblin boon because our GM scored us on the wrong tier...

"You see an elf carrying a halfling by the scruff of the neck, she walks up and deposits him onto the table.
'He is your problem, now! Deal with it!' She walks back out of the room.

The halfling has green grease paint on his hands and face, he looks at everyone with wild eyes and exclaims...
'I'M A GOBLIN!!'"

I get laughter, looks of awe, and characters going "oh, no!!"

[Tectorman]

We're stuck in a gladiator obstacle course (think Roman Colosseum meets Ninja Warrior). At the center is a 40 ft tower with a bell on top, and the first to get there and ring it gets a prize. Our party is faced against a swarm of halfling gladiators.

We get to the center tower first. I'm at the top ringing the bell and my big Fighter friend is down below standing on the edge of a wall with the halflings climbing up towards him.

He has a maul, so for a brief moment, I suggest using it like a golf club. As soon as a head pops up over the edge, yell out "Fore!" and take a swing. And since it's a gladiator arena, I then think about what happens if the flying head in question makes it to the audience. So I voice a quick conversation that a father might have had with his son on their day out to the games:

"Alright, I caught a head! Here you go, son! You get a souvenir."

And then, voicing the son, I imagine him as a very young kid, an adorable little tyke not yet in command of proper grammar. So I give voice to what he would say and don't think anything of it at first.

"Huwway! Daddy gave me head!"

Then I realized what the hell I'd just said.

[Arakhor]

*polite chuckle*

[Interesting Character]

That's what he said.
;)

[Dire Elf]

Player, looking at the Pathfinder app on his iPad:
"There's a typo. The name of the spell is naturalize poison."
Other player: "It's not foreign poison, this is a domestic poison."

Our party have acquired two jars of a perfume called nard.
Three players, simultaneously: "Now we have a pair of nards!"

As we explore the interior of a subterranean tomb: "Next up on Flip This Pyramid..."

The trend of adding P to words continued this week in Mummy's Mask.
Player: "They're P-mining beetles! Oh, P-sh*t!"

[TheMonocleRogue]

Playing through the first chapter of Serpent's Skull, the party had to activate a serpentfolk artifact to enter the next dungeon. One of the steps to activating it required an ordinary snake to taste the stones surrounding the artifact. The druid, being a saurian shaman, could talk to reptilian animals so the party sent him to collect various snakes in the jungle to do the job. His entire monologue had us laughing for a good 5 minutes.

"Come forth serpents, I need your help to activate this artifact"
ssssssnakes, it's always sssssssnakes

"I need you to lick these stones"
I'm not going to lick the ssssssstones

*shoves the snake's face against the stone*

"You're going to lick these stones right now!"
But I don't want to lick the ssssssstones

[DungeonmasterCal]

From a recent game-"It's the peanut butter you DON'T see that you should worry about."