Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?


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David M Mallon wrote:
evil_diva wrote:
Our Monk: "I carefully kick in the door."
Going to have to steal this one...

I would say it like this: "I carefully... KICK IN THE DOOR! KICK IN THE DOOR!" sang at the rythm of the kick in the nuts videos theme.

The Exchange

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Being faced with some aurochs..

Cleric, casting cause fear on one of them: "I attempt to turn cow!"

Ranger also got the title of "Cowslayer" that game, with the party advising him to put some ranks into Knowledge planes.


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Ok ... here's a new one from tonight's session of the Legacy of Fire-campaign I'm running, once again involving Player Wrong. Before anyone thinks this is a case of rampant machismo, it's worth pointing out that both the player and the GM are female and that the male players went deathly silent when this one was ... ahem ... fired off ...

Rather icky punchline:

GM: "Turn undead for me has long involved a mental image of holding aloft your wand and screaming "Expecto Patronum".

Player Wrong: "So ... you hold your wand tight, you scream loudly and then silvery stuff comes out?"


Mystically Inclined wrote:
Tacticslion wrote:
Hah! I didn't know there was one! Care to link it? The OP might get some great ideas!
But of course! Here it is

I like this thread! Yes. Yes I do. Many good ideas!

(I'm pleasantly surprised one of my first posts ever on this site is still going strong! Thanks guys and gals!)


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"Eating is so yesterday. I'm gonna do THAT!" Violent Crumble, gnome rogue and connoisseur extraordinaire, upon grasping just what the BBEG of Shattered Star is.

Group reply: "THIS is why you're not considered Good aligned!" ^_^


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Two of my occasional players are married to each other. They constantly banter back and forth, with him telling her what to do game wise and her telling him to shut up. There's nothing mean about it, it's just what they do.

We were gaming in the FLGS (and it was packed that night) when, after putting up with him for an hour, she turns to him and loudly says, "If you don't shut up I'll punch you right in the taint!". Of course it was heard by many, many people. The whole store cracked up.


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evil_diva wrote:
Our Monk: "I carefully kick in the door."

This is something a character in Fate Accelerated Edition might say. Whether the GM allows the use of that Approach is another matter.

Cleric of Shelyn: "I deliver a gentle, loving, bludgeon to the head."

Community & Digital Content Director

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Removed a post. Joking about rape is completely unacceptable on paizo.com.


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber

This was back in the '90s. We were playing a GURPS: X-Files game, set in modern-day (1990s) New York. We were trying to get information out of a street-corner drug dealer.

PC: I show him the photo of the guy we're looking for. "Have you seen this guy around here over the past few days?"
GM: "I ain't seen nobody like that."
PC: "Take a good look. You sure?"
GM: "Yeah, man. I'm sure. I ain't seen this guy."
PC: I take out my wallet and pull out a bill, and say, "Would Mr. Jefferson jog your memory?"
GM: (pause, looks at player dumbfounded.) You're trying to bribe him with a two-dollar bill?
PC: What? No! Jackson! I meant Jackson!


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Two dollar bills are the bomb! Totally bribe material. :)
I like two doller bills.

Grand Lodge

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Rulebook Subscriber

During a chase sequence, involving the parallel escape of members of the Aspis consortium from the same danger, after numerous underhanded activities of the Aspis consortium to thwart us, the GM using the line from Indian Jones when they withhold throwing the rope back "There's no time" minutes later the player dropped a tree in the path of the Aspis agents and nonchalantly quips back "there's no time." It didn't even make sense, but beer and coffee was snorted, and even the t-rex chasing us laughed.

The Exchange

We were building gardens in our town (using ultimate campaign rules).

Someone calls the ranger on his cell, asking to help bring the GMs mansion of madness set that the GM borrowed to the game they would be playing tomorrow.

Ranger when he gets back, "So about these gardens of madness..."


Just a Mort wrote:

We were building gardens in our town (using ultimate campaign rules).

Someone calls the ranger on his cell, asking to help bring the GMs mansion of madness set that the GM borrowed to the game they would be playing tomorrow.

Ranger when he gets back, "So about these gardens of madness..."

Please tell me someone at least had a katana in that.

The Exchange

I don't get the katana reference? Where does it come from?


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Just a Mort wrote:
I don't get the katana reference? Where does it come from?

There's a game called No More Heroes. The protagonist uses a beam katana as a weapon. Before every boss battle a woman calls you, taunts you, tells you to use the bathroom (which is how you save in that game) and tells you to head for the garden of madness. The game never explains what it is.


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This happened this week, actually.

A greater Shadow attacked the party while they were asleep, only one person had knowledge Religion, and failed to identify it, so they began referring to the creature as "The Darkness".

The sorcerer, having just gotten all his spells back, was very excited about the combat, and shouted "I CAST MAGIC MISSILE INTO THE DARKNESS!"

The entire table started cackling and he had no idea why. Appearently he had never even heard the phrase before, which warms the cockles of my dried up GM's heart.


My dwarf after a not so well liked party member, was dragged away by a shadow lady:

Under a spoiler since some might be sensitive to the rude language used.

Spoiler:

"Ding dong the b$$#% is dead, b%&+% oh b+##+, the f%!~ing b~~*#."


evil_diva wrote:

My dwarf after a not so well liked party member, was dragged away by a shadow lady:

Under a spoiler since some might be sensitive to the rude language used.
** spoiler omitted **

I love that the language filter kicked in. That was basically one long list of symbols and asterisks :D


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evil_diva wrote:

My dwarf after a not so well liked party member, was dragged away by a shadow lady:

Under a spoiler since some might be sensitive to the rude language used.
** spoiler omitted **

Shortly before that, during the PVP the not so well liked party member started. The oracle was inside while the fighting was going on outside, and just came out in reaction to the sounds, just in time to see the slayer fall.

Oracle: What's going on out here!?
Barbarian: Bloody murder!
Oracle, sounding desperate: I can see that!


PvP being OK requires, in my opinion, everyone being on board with it— DM and all the players, not just the ones involved. Otherwise, people might become stressed and angry over the fact that they and/or their character might be targeted eventually, too, when they have no interest in anything like that.

I've run it before. I'd never do it if someone protested. It's just not worth upsetting anyone.


Everyone ended up having a jolly time with it. I was the GM in the example above, Jaelithe, and the player whose slayer was getting murderized with extreme prejudice sent me a private message as the fighting started, saying he was -fully- prepared to make a new character.

When it was all over, everyone had a good laugh. It is my genuine impression that there were no hard feelings at all.


Also, we have a rule that says that there needs to be a good in character reason for PVP. The reason was definitely there, and luckily for the rest of us only the two who turned against the party ended up losing their characters.


The Alkenstarian wrote:

Everyone ended up having a jolly time with it. I was the GM in the example above, Jaelithe, and the player whose slayer was getting murderized with extreme prejudice sent me a private message as the fighting started, saying he was -fully- prepared to make a new character.

When it was all over, everyone had a good laugh. It is my genuine impression that there were no hard feelings at all.

I was commenting in general, and by no means calling out you or your decisions. Glad everyone enjoyed it.


Thymus Vulgaris wrote:
Also, we have a rule that says that there needs to be a good in character reason for PVP. The reason was definitely there, and luckily for the rest of us only the two who turned against the party ended up losing their characters.

Who defines "good reason"? One participating player? Both? The DM? All three? A majority at the table? The entire group?


I'm not sure I can answer that, but I guess it would fall on the GM to be the judge. We've only had this one instance of PVP (with another one getting close in a different campaign with a slightly different player/GM composition), and it happened fairly organically.

Secret kuthite is creepy -> nobody really trusts kuthite because she is weird and creepy -> other PC contracts lycanthropy -> kuthite makes a deal with a devil that it will cure the lycanthropy, but she will have to kill someone as of yet unspecified in return -> lycanthropy is cured -> kuthite is becoming creepier and creepier, distrust grows -> devil reveals to kuthite that she is to kill her own brother, another PC -> kuthite follows through (but fails).


Jaelithe wrote:
Thymus Vulgaris wrote:
Also, we have a rule that says that there needs to be a good in character reason for PVP. The reason was definitely there, and luckily for the rest of us only the two who turned against the party ended up losing their characters.
Who defines "good reason"? One participating player? Both? The DM? All three? A majority at the table? The entire group?

While ground rules for PVP is a topic for another thread, I will say that, to me as a GM, the most important rule is that everyone at the table is okay with the concept of PVP, and that it means that their character might be killed by one of their own.

Preferably, the willingness to include PVP in a game is settled before campaign kick-off.


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Back on topic please...


Technically not a one-liner, but still an occurrence that got everyone (including myself, the DM) to laugh out loud.

People were all gathered up at the table, leveling their characters up and checking everything before we began that day's session.

Then my phone happens to ring during this mild chaos, and I pick it up. It's my roommate, and he says "We're out of bread", with a bored deadpan voice.

It was loud enough that everyone at the table heard it, and began laughing like crazy due to how "out of nowhere" that statement was, and because he didn't just go buy the bread himself.

The Exchange

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This one's from long ago...

Party is headed into a trap filled dungeon. The cleric, worried about the rogue dying to a trap, casts shield other on the rogue (note: rogue is higher level then cleric).

First combat, the rogue takes the opportunity of having a shared hp pool to do all kinds of crazy shinenigans, including attempting to tumble between a fire giant zombie's legs, and activating every trap in the vicinity from trying to get a flank.

The result : cleric ending up at single digit hp just from shield other effect.

Scared out of wits and pissed off cleric: "I don't want it written on my tombstone I died shielding a rogue from his mistakes!"

Silver Crusade

Soilent wrote:

This happened this week, actually.

A greater Shadow attacked the party while they were asleep, only one person had knowledge Religion, and failed to identify it, so they began referring to the creature as "The Darkness".

The sorcerer, having just gotten all his spells back, was very excited about the combat, and shouted "I CAST MAGIC MISSILE INTO THE DARKNESS!"

The entire table started cackling and he had no idea why. Appearently he had never even heard the phrase before, which warms the cockles of my dried up GM's heart.

I've never come across the phrase either. What's going on?


Party cleric fell off of a bridge got knocked out and due to some house rules had a broken arm. Barbarian jumps down rolls and untrained heal with a 12 Wis. Rolls a 1 party rogue starts screaming "Lefty loosey righty tighty"

Grand Lodge

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Rulebook Subscriber
RHMG Animator wrote:
Back on topic please...

Out of character, while we were gaming in our GM's kitchen, his partner, who is very social, was just chatting up everyone in the middle of a big battle, he finally politely indicated we were in the middle of it and "D&D is Serious." We all self-deprecatingly laughed, and ever since when ever someone comes up with an excuse why they are late, or missing a session they get a sardonic "D&D Is Serious" (and yes we know we are playing Pathfinder, but you can't rebrand a catch phrase so easily.)

Grand Lodge

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Rulebook Subscriber
Malachi Silverclaw wrote:
Soilent wrote:

This happened this week, actually.

A greater Shadow attacked the party while they were asleep, only one person had knowledge Religion, and failed to identify it, so they began referring to the creature as "The Darkness".

The sorcerer, having just gotten all his spells back, was very excited about the combat, and shouted "I CAST MAGIC MISSILE INTO THE DARKNESS!"

The entire table started cackling and he had no idea why. Appearently he had never even heard the phrase before, which warms the cockles of my dried up GM's heart.

I've never come across the phrase either. What's going on?

let me google that for you

It is a line/reference to a classic audio, and later animated internet joke from the early days, it has been remade/remixed in dozens of you tube videos.

The Dead Alewives is the comedy troupe responsible for it.


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Neither of these are one-liners per se, but they came up during tonight's session of Jade Regent.

Firstly, the party is in a location with very cramped interiors and many, many doors. Because of the limited space in which to move, they quickly end up splitting up the party, scattering in every direction and checking each their own area.

One of the characters opens another door and looks into a hallway which, lo and behold, contains yet more of these things, and the player bursts out in an annoyed exclamation, to which one of her fellow players immediately and without the slightest hesitation, in a loud and suitably epic voice, says:

"One does not simply walk into more doors!"

The rest of the party, myself as the GM included, groaned loudly enough to wake the dead at the bad punnage, to which the player, still in the same epic tone of voice but even louder, exclaims:

"I AM UNDERAPPRECIATED IN MY TIME!"

----------------------

Earlier that same evening, the players had just arrived in aforementioned cramped location, and one of their number, a gunslinger, had sought higher ground in order to get a better vantage point both for scouting and shooting (house rule in my campaigns says that high ground is high ground, and you get +1 to hit on ranged attacks if you have high ground as well). She looks around and suddenly, through a doorway, she spots an enemy lurking. Immediately, her real life boyfriend who also plays in the group (he's the underappreciated one, incidentally) shouts out:

"QUICK, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

The rest of us, listening in on Skype then hear a loud *slap*, and the female player declaring:

"WAAAH! I'm a victim of peer pressure!"

Her boyfriend then, in the saddest, kicked-puppy-voice ever, counters with:

"I'm just a victim ..."

-------------------------------

Disclaimer: No roleplayers were harmed during the course of this session but any resemblance to existing people is both intentional and deliberate.


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Actually...

A goblin flees the scene of battle, having been just shot at by the gunslinger.

The under-appreciated one: *breaks out into song* He will survi~ive! As long as he knows how to love he knows that he will stay alive!

Other player: *groans* [gunslinger player], quick, you know what to do!

The Alkenstarian wrote:

The rest of us, listening in on Skype then hear a loud *slap*, and the female player declaring:

"WAAAH! I'm a victim of peer pressure!"

Her boyfriend then, in the saddest, kicked-puppy-voice ever, counters with:

"I'm just a victim ..."

I know I'm horrible for correcting you, but that slap was really very well deserved.


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Admittedly this came from 4E D&D, but still ...

"Can we tell how this person was killed?"

"I'm no expert, but I think this big f*ing hole in his chest might be cause of death."


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The party is travelling down a hallway, and incised into the floor are three foot letters E R O S.

Vullen, the (astoundingly dumb) party fighter, looks at the letters, thinks for a moment, and finally says "Sore!".

The part wizard tries to explain that he's reading it backwards, so Vullen looks for a bit, mutters under his breath, and finally comes out with "E-Ross!", at which point the wizard loses it, saying "No, you idiot, it's obviously Eros"

...the word magically triggers a trap and approximately 2 dozen arrows fire at the wizard from nowhere, damaging him badly.

Vullen turns to the wizard, points, and says "Sore!".


Thymus Vulgaris wrote:
I know I'm horrible for correcting you, but that slap was really very well deserved.

No problem. I have to juggle six insane players and a village full of goblins. I think I'm legally excused if I fail to remember every single line. :D


Ramarren wrote:

The party is travelling down a hallway, and incised into the floor are three foot letters E R O S.

Vullen, the (astoundingly dumb) party fighter, looks at the letters, thinks for a moment, and finally says "Sore!".

The part wizard tries to explain that he's reading it backwards, so Vullen looks for a bit, mutters under his breath, and finally comes out with "E-Ross!", at which point the wizard loses it, saying "No, you idiot, it's obviously Eros"

...the word magically triggers a trap and approximately 2 dozen arrows fire at the wizard from nowhere, damaging him badly.

Vullen turns to the wizard, points, and says "Sore!".

Methinks Vullen may not be as dumb as he makes himself out to be.


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Found a few new favorite such as;

"I can't hit him because the naked man is unconscious!"

"I have decided I won't full-body tackle him to stop it."

And can't forget the ever classic by member rub-eta.

"It's like grandma knitting a swastika in front of you, but not AS offensive"

Basically write down anything silly at the table now


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A couple weeks ago we were fighting the last battle of Skull and Shackles. My slayer got popped for a couple dozen damage, and I laughed and shouted "I take more damage than that when I brush my teeth!"

I didn't think it was that funny, but a girl in the next table had to interrupt our game to tell me she thought that was awesome and would be using it from now on.

So...not...funniest, but...impactful?

Sovereign Court RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8

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Wounded Wisp. Sent for Drendle Drang's <redacted> didn't think to ask what it was, so when I asked for the <redacted> the GM said "Hey, no metagaming, you didn't ask what the package was."

Me, in my horrible Russian accent (Bard from Whitethrone) "Ve have been sent for Drendle Drang's package. It is said to be small and unremarkable package, easily overlooked. Few women have complimented his package, and is likely inadequate. Have you seen this package?"

Later when we find the package and it is connected to <redacted> "I am tugging on package, but appears Drendle Drang has chained package. Does Dreng know Paracountess?"

Needless to say, GM kind of regretted his choice.


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Low-level group is fighting a corpulent goblin boss with high AC, and the group is finding it tough to hit the little blighter.

Player 1: "How can a fat little green git like him be so damn hard to hit!?"

Player 2: "He's acrofatic."


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Between games, while talking about how to introduce a new character to the campaign:

Player 1: "I say it's not going to be that easy, considering where we are."

Player 2: "And I said ... WHAT ABOUT, BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S!"

All other players: *Groan*

GM: [Sternly] "I'm writing that one down! You're losing XP for that one. That was absolutely terrible."

Player 2: "NOOOOOOO!But we're not even playing?!"

All other players: "We want differentiated XP! This isn't fair on us."

GM: [Even more sternly] "No, you all have to suffer for his bad puns. The Bad Punnage Spell-list is restricted, and only the GM is allowed to use it."

Player 3: [Hopeful] "What if I take the Amateur Punslinger-feat?"

GM: " ... "

All other players: [Pregnant and tense pause]

GM: "Okay, you just got your XP back."

All players in unison: *Sigh of relief*

Player 2: [a moment later, very sadly] "But that was my line ..."

GM: "You lost it. That's your punishment."

Player 2: "Awww ..."


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Jokes about gunslingers are too gritty for me.


Badum tshhh ...

I salute you, Sir.


The Alkenstarian wrote:

Between games, while talking about how to introduce a new character to the campaign:

Player 1: "I say it's not going to be that easy, considering where we are."

Player 2: "And I said ... WHAT ABOUT, BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S!"

Funny. I JUST played that song on Youtube.


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The Alkenstarian wrote:

Badum tshhh ...

I salute you, Sir.

Why, thank you. You're hardly doing badly, yourself. :)


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I'm playing in a Scarred Lands game, and I'm the only one in the party who fails the save on some kind of mind altering mist. I decide my party is no longer trustworthy and all serving a titan... so I attack! The party paladin, seeing me attacking in a rage, decides to disarm me - by literally cutting off my hand midway through the forearm. The shock at least brings me to my senses. However, I'm a bit bitter OOC and especially bitter IC, thinking there were better ways to handle the situation. Especially as we had no access to a regeneration spell.

Shortly after, we are on an airship and a storm causes two characters to fall overboard, dangling by a rope - one of which is the paladin. I go over to pull them back on board. And yell, with a bit of snark, "Here grab my hand! Oh, wait..."

The group loses it.

Same game, later. We have determined the BBEG is working for the god of death and disease and is spreading a plague around the world. We are in a fort, under siege by a horde of plague zombies. The enemy leader sends an emissary to demand our unconditional surrender. I suggest our response be to send a Scroll of Cure Disease.

The group loses it. (The enemy leader laughed, too. Then set back a Scroll of Slay Living before starting the assault.)

Different game. Eberron. I'm playing a hyperintelligent yet cowardly and horny goblin. The goblin promotes a vision to lift his people up to the status of more civilized races through eugenics. Really, it's just an excuse to allow him to sleep with more women. So during some down time, I euphemistically say my character is, "improving the local goblin warrens." The GM chuckles, then starts talking about how I go through and start cleaning, dusting, making repairs, and such. Everyone chuckles... except one guy who is clueless. "I don't get it. Why is he doing housework in the goblin warrens?"

The rest of the group loses it.

Same game. The party has found a massive door that we need to get through. The only way to open it is with a lever, found down a side tunnel, that only a small or smaller creature can fit in. The problem? The tunnel is crawling with spider swarms. The rest of the party looks at my goblin expectantly, who takes one look, and decides, "Uh, I can't. It's... um... it's warded against goblins."

The rest of the group loses it. AND I succeeded on the bluff check! Though proved I was lying when a small army of shadows started attacking and the only way to escape was through the door...

Different game. 3.5 edition. I made an poor perception character - deliberately dump statted Wisdom, then took extra drawback that further reduced my Spot skill. The idea was that he was so absent minded he was just too busy inside his own head to be that aware of the world around him, but once something caught his attention he was hyperfocused on it.

The GM creates a haunted pocket dimension, accessible via a one sided rip in reality. My character becomes fascinated with the spatial physics involved. He ties a weight to the end of a rope. Throws the rope through. It goes through. He pulls it back. Goes around the rip to the far side. Ties down the free end of the rope. Throws the weighted end again. The weight lands in front of the party. He walks back to the front side. The rope now appears to stretch through the rip itself, but is entirely in the material plane. He throws the weight back into the rip...

The GM pauses, thinks a moment, and declares. "Well, now I have a headache. I have no idea what the hell happens in that case."

The group loses it.

Same game. The party is walking down a road, and sees a figure merged into a tree. Not a spirit, the guy is literally trapped in it. The party goes to check things out. I wait. The conversation begins. I wait. The GM has described the guy's situation and what curse caused it. I wait. The party is now asking further questions to see what will fix it. I suddenly speak up, "My God! There's a man in that tree!"

The group loses it. And it has now become part of our collection of in-jokes, referenced whenever someone fails to notice something really obvious.

Different game. This time I am running a Fallout PnP game. This was years before Fallout 3 and none of my players have played anything in the series, so they have no idea what to expect. I consider this a feature, not a bug, since they are clueless vault dwellers. Two hours after they leave the vault (in search of a water chip!) they are attacked by a cannibal raiding party. After the fight, and again, a mere two hours after leaving the vault, one of my players asks the rest of the party, "That brings up a good question. Is it okay if we eat people?"

The group, of course, loses it.

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