Reta Bigbad

Pillbug Toenibbler's page

1,438 posts. Alias of Ambrosia Slaad.


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Dear Dr Mr Hungry Jack, MA Culinary Arts,

I am very hungry for pancakes, but I have no griddle or skillet. I cannot buy one as I am too short to reach the door handle to the store, and the one time I snuck in, the manager sprayed me in the face with bug spray. I have heard it is possible to make a fat pancake in a rice cooker. Is this true, or is this just propaganda from Big Rice Cooker?


PS I am not a crackpot.

3 people marked this as a favorite.

I keep checking almost daily, but I still can't psychically make peoples' heads a'splode. Dang it' Cosmo!

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Vanykrye wrote:
Just the name...Discord...why would would you name your communications platform after animosity? Truth in advertising?

{adjusting dials on foil-lined colander of conspiracy piercing} The seedmoney for Discord came from a wealthy arpanet heiress eris.

4 people marked this as a favorite.

Well, Gamera is really neat and filled with turtle meat.

Edit: Crap, now I've got the MST3K song stuck in my head again.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Limeylongears wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:

About that you don't have to worry

You see I'm getting married in a hurry.
What will the wedding breakfast be - curry?

Will you be getting married as a furry?

Will getting married make you purry?

Will the reception serve deviled eggs and ham?

Do you like them, Vid7 you am?

4 people marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:

I have a package from Amazon that I decided I would pay for shipping to get it sooner.

So far in two days it's been in Lebanon, Kearney, and Jersey City, New Jersey.

This is what I'm paying for, a f%~%ing tour of New Jersey.

{adjust foil-lined colander helm of conspiracy piercing} Your Amazon delivery drivers are a touring Bon Jovi cover band.

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Vidmaster7 wrote:
Our TN fish have a warning that we shouldn't eat more then like 2 a year. To me that warning just says don't eat the local fish.

{makes note not to eat TN pinkskins as they are full of toxic pollutants}


{...or at least have a divine caster/several healing & antitoxin potions handy}

lisamarlene wrote:
Freehold DM wrote:
You can't possibly own a car. You're a New Yorker. I thought you weren't allowed, or they kicked you out and took away your Cool Kids card.

{scribbles in new conspiracy on whiteboard:} FREEHOLD IS SEKRITLY TURBO TEEN???


3 people marked this as a favorite.
NobodysHome wrote:

While I normally avoid confirming or denying my employment at a particular global megacorporation, there are a few I'll happily deny. I don't work for Apple, Google, Microsoft, nor Facebook.

I'd make a lot more money at Google or Facebook, but I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning. (Which I don't do, but I could if I wanted to...)

Hmmm... {flips over conspiracy chalkboard, attempts to decide whether to move NH into "Rand Corporation," "saucer people," or "reverse vampires" column}

2 people marked this as a favorite.
The Worst Person Ever wrote:
If you're committed, everything is interchangeable with toilet paper.

{slaps on bad toupee, produces stack of blue notecards} Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten list. From the home office in Conway, Arkansas:

Top Ten Worst. Papercuts. Ever.

Here we go...

5 people marked this as a favorite.
Ambrosia Slaad wrote:
I think society has been too liberal and injudicious with the use of awkwards. They're too effective. I look around and try to remember the last time I'd ever seen a wild awk, and I can't recall it it. Our imaginary children will never know the joy and slight unease about being surrounded by a small semi-moist flock of waddling awks, because we've warded them all out.

OK, you're not allowed anymore to mix Stewart Lee stand-up, an appetizer of wasabi peanuts, and a main course of unmilked frosted miniwheats at midnight, and then post online afterward.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Mmmm, gravy {drools}

3 people marked this as a favorite.
Trolling At The Movies wrote:
gran rey de los mono wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:
lisamarlene wrote:

It's our first triple-digit day of the year.


Yes, I know that's like 12 in Celcius, which is my only argument for retaining Fahrenheit. If it's this miserable out, the number to explain just how miserable it is needs to be an impressive one. Celcius isn't designed to impress.

Use Kelvin.
Rankine is even bigger.
Bah! He was nothing without Bass!




"Crush, smack! Whip crack!
Smash, grab! Pinch, nab!
You go, my lad!
Ho, ho! my lad!"

5 people marked this as a favorite.
Sharoth wrote:
At least it is not UNDEAD bikini gremlins.


2 people marked this as a favorite.
gran rey de los mono wrote:
It is only currently available as a very painful injection, or as a blunt object that is used to beat them about the head.

Ah, good ol' "percussive maintenance to the cranial case."

1 person marked this as a favorite.
lisamarlene wrote:
Time in a Bottle always sounds to me like it was written by a teary drunken serial killer who is too old to hunt anymore.

{plonks colander of conspiracy piercing +5 on noggin, turns dials up to 11} Yes... yes... the veil is lifted:

Coincidentally, Ted Cruz's dad used to sing "Time in a Bottle" to his son at bedtime to help him get to sleep.

4 people marked this as a favorite.

I blame Cosmo that we can't all be as delicious as Pizza the Hutt.

{stomach rumbles implacably}

2 people marked this as a favorite.

{plonks colander of conspiracy piercing on noggin, adjusts knobs all the way to 11} I'm pretty sure CY is just building a portfolio of aliases so he can become a billionaire renting them out ala AirBnB.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Blarp still owes me 20gp and half a case of Alkenstar smoked pickles.

4 people marked this as a favorite.

[conspiracy baked="half"] The King in Yellow is actually...



Chris Martin [/conspiracy]

4 people marked this as a favorite.
NobodysHome wrote:

OK, I thought the formula looked too complicated, so I actually bothered to get out some poker chips, and you're just building a giant tetrahedron. MUCH easier.

Number of point-up cones U(n) = n(n+1)/2 (works for all n)
Number of cones in a level L(n) = n^2 (works for all n, and pretty snazzy, eh?)
Total number of cones T(n) = n(n+1)(2n+1)/6 (works for all n)

Much prettier, and now I understand why someone would assign such a problem. Very elegant once you get out the poker chips!

EDIT: ** spoiler omitted **

{plonks colander of conspiracy piercing +5 on noggin} Hmmm, math + poker chips? NH may actually be Le Chiffre.

NobodysHome wrote:
...Classic Global MegaCorporation, "Fix your own d***** bug!" approach. (And no, we're not Sony.)
Drejk wrote:
Note that NH haven't denied working for Microsoft :D

Which means Global MegaCorporation is Quantum/SPECTRE. Or SMERSH (SMERSH? They really named themselves SMERSH?!)

Cap'n Yesterday Divided by Zero wrote:
Great, now they're all going to be speaking in tongues.

Well, if we're in a Bond thing, we'll all be talking in puns and innuendos.


gran rey de los mono wrote:
Vidmaster7 wrote:
So I'm trying to think of some non-combat challenges for my party that can fit into my dungeon. Anyone know any good references?
Pie eating contest.

Hot dog eating contest where the party's chosen must defeat Joey Chestnut.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Ambrosia Slaad wrote:
I blame Cosmo for hope, both for how fast it can infect you and for how soul-crushing it leaves you when it inevitably evaporates.

[Syrio Forel] And there is only one thing we say to Hope: "Not today." [/Syrio Forel] {drags hope outside, starts beating it with shovel}

6 people marked this as a favorite.
Drejk wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
Betty White is older than Keith Richards and does NOT look like she's in her 90s. I need to find the elder being she made her pact with.
She is the elder being.

{adjusts knob on foil-lined colander of conspiracy piercing} The White vs Richards showdown is likely coming before too long. She took Dick Clark's head back in 2012 with her claymore during the freakish electrical storm on top of Hoover Dam. Richards nearly had Matthew Broderick back in April, but he ran onto holy ground (which prompted Richards to set the cathedral on fire). So far, Paul Rudd has wisely avoided both White and Richards.

6 people marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:

I found a rubber ducky in the middle of County highway C, spotted the poor little bastard driving home, no one behind me, so I stopped, ran over grabbed it (ignoring the weird looks the old people in the car going the opposite way gave me) so now the new truck has a dash duck.

And I proved to co-worker I can find anything, even a rubber ducky in the middle of the highway at 55 mph.

{in terrible Sam Elliot impersonation:} So begins the folk legend of Johnny Appleseed Cap'n Roadduckie.

4 people marked this as a favorite.
Rysky wrote:

At first I called them Crones, but then I realized that was still gendered.

What about Gaunt?

If the crone had levels in the winter witch archetype, would that make her an...


( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■) scream crone?

{adjusts knobs on foil-lined ConspiraColander} He may also be Macavity and/or Mr. Mistoffelees in a Frozone suit with Victor Fries* nanotech.

(The BtAS Fries, not the Govenator one)

1 person marked this as a favorite.

How many pareidolia sightings are actually ghosts messing with people?

And how many are just ambient environmental radiation resonating perfectly with my own aberrant neural structural topography?

And will a tin foil hat on top of my existing tin foil hat block it out better, or will the combined pyramid power/Devo energy domes just microwave my brain like a potato?

And if so, what kind? Russet, yukon gold, adirondack blue, ozette, lenape, something else?

And is anyone else hungry right now?

8 people marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:

We were rebuilding a collapsed wall this summer and the guy comes out and asks us if we were also rebuilding the wall above it that hadn't collapsed and I said "our work order doesn't mention rebuilding it" so he says back "I'd hate for you to get a bad review online after you've put in all that hard work on the lower wall because the the upper wall didn't look as nice!" "I gave him my best Crookshanks patented look of disgust and said "we get more than enough good reviews, I won't lose sleep over ONE vindictive review".

We rebuilt the wall we were contracted to build and got the f+~# out of there.

Edit: Yes, I texted the boss to ask if we were also supposed to rebuild the upper wall, he said no.

Well it's been almost four weeks and still no vindictive review.

{sits down on half-empty bag of lime next to wall} Yep. No vindictive review. Isn't that right, Fortunato? {pours self another glass of amontillado}

2 people marked this as a favorite.
James Jacobs wrote:
...It's certainly possible from a canonical standpoint for a demigod to be served by creatures of different alignments though. Possible, but rare. Lamashtu, for example, in 1st edition, was served by barghests.

In one of the Oblivion Oath: Character Preview videos, Owen K.C. Stephens mentioned his goblin sorcerer Qundle's belief in a good/neutral grey wolf (barghest) and his personal goal to find/follow this wolf to offset the influence of the "red wolves" (the evil hero god barghests).

Can you confirm or refute whether a new non-evil barghest/grey wolf patron of goblins has appeared/will be appearing in PF2E canon?

5 people marked this as a favorite.
Drejk wrote:
Twelve grumpy old seasoned mathematicians will let nobody go free.

When human(oids) call another seasoned, they usually mean mature or old.

When goblins (and dragons) call another seasoned, they often mean of the salt/paprika/cayenne/garlic/etc variety.

3 people marked this as a favorite.
gran rey de los mono wrote:
Woran wrote:
Vanykrye wrote:
Freehold DM wrote:
Vanykrye wrote:
DeathQuaker wrote:

Maybe the guy thought the pancakes were going to tell him he looked good today.

Isn't stuff like what time breakfast is also on info cards in the rooms?

These are the same people that call one of their company IT person's personal cell phones at 10pm wondering what the hotel WIFI password is.
I'd say "you gotta be joking" but as I have broken bottles open with you, I know you are not.


In other news, I got confirmation that I'm being shipped out to the DC suburbs for another week of paradise. Oh Joy. Leave on Sunday.

I'm very, very sick of not being allowed to hire an on-site technician for this office. I don't mind traveling for my job, but that office makes me go bat guano crazy.

Im more and more convinced, the longer I am in this job, that jail time for arsony would probably be worth it.
Oh, the number of times I've wanted to burn the hotel down is ridiculous. I haven't done it yet. Yet.

> >

< <

{prepares to steal red Swingline stapler}

9 people marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:
The high school summer laborers have built a list of the top five people at our company they wouldn't want to fight and I made the top five.

Dude 1: "Dude, he wrestled with a Bobcat and survived with just a flesh wound."

Dude 2: "Bobcats are like cranky, extra-bitey Maine Coons, dude."
Dude 1: "No, dude, that Bobcat." {points to machine}
Dude 2: "Whoa, dude."
Dude 1: "Dude, he shaves bears with it."
Dude 2: "Dude, whoa."
Dude 1: "I heard, dude, that on weekends the due puts on a Luchadore mask and MMA wrestles with cows."

1 person marked this as a favorite.


I'm here to chew gum
and compose haikus. And I'm
all out of sylla-


Red Dead Cap'n Yesterday wrote:
Beating A Dead Horse wrote:
Evil Turtle wrote:
*Kicks the 'Alignment' dead horse*
Easy their cowboy
Whoa there, Tex.

{shouts in Canadian accent} I'm not your buddy Tex, guy!

1 person marked this as a favorite.
CrystalSeas wrote:
Does everyone know where their towel is?

If it helps, I know where my trowel is. {muffled weeping sounds can be heard coming from behind freshly-mortared brick wall}

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Phillip Gastone wrote:
TheGreatWot wrote:
Nobody ever said anything about not brainwashing people... she's just gonna do it more subtly this time around! Gotta avoid war. That stuff gets expensive, and cleaning up bodies is a hassle.
Gelatinous Cubes

You could dye them pink and sometimes throw stone letters into them.



"H-A-N-S-A-L-K" - seven points.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
MythicFox wrote:
Mervikoth wrote:
Unless it's been renamed, Realm of the Mammoth Lords is incorrectly labelled Realm of the Mammoth Lands on the map.
As long as it's in the appropriate reigon, that's what matters, right?

You guys are gonna wake the Searing Eye of Mona. {starts rubbing on sunscreen of fire resistance +9000}

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Doodlebug Anklebiter wrote:
Lot more to say, but I should prepare for the Marxist reading circle in a few hours.

Does that work like a magic circle against capitalism?

2 people marked this as a favorite.

( ̄ー ̄ *)

And you are...? ;)

4 people marked this as a favorite.
Blog wrote:
Fumbus doesn't mind sharing the spotlight with his friends, especially not Valeros, who the goblin alchemist is particularly fond of for his ability to drink so much! Sure, it's ale and not pickle brine or strange alchemical concoctions, but Fumbus appreciates anyone with an appetite (or thirst) that rivals his own.

Valeros just hasn't tried a nice Andoran Spicy-Sour Pickle Wild Ale or Dill Pickle Ustalavic-Style Gose yet.


I never paid much attention to 1E Valeros, but 2E Valeros still looks nifty I guess. I think I like this less muscle bound version better; he's still strong and intimidating to foes without having to keep up his membership at Unrealistic Super-Muscle Gym.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Merisiel Sillvari wrote:
Aremna Abjuris wrote:
Speaking of knives. One friend of mine joked about you having to carry around all those knives and not having a "Returning" one yet, but actually, aren't you also just collecting them?

And who says I don't own returning daggers?

I don't really bother tracking them though, since they're for throwing and that means they get lost a lot. If I want a fancy-pants smarty-pants other-pants weapon it'll be my rapier, though, not a dagger.

Oooo, oooo, ooooo! Ooo! Ooo!

Have you ever seen (scried?) the House of Flying Daggers film from the Jacobsaur's world? If so, what did you think of it?

3 people marked this as a favorite.

Is it true that you, like two of our famous actresses, are an expert in casting fascinate and charm effects via the sekrits of superciliamancy?

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Quandary wrote:

I did have a question: AFAIK Merisiel's forehead has always been some jeweled decoration of some sort,

but I realized I couldn't tell from the new art whether it is actually a third eye set in forehead.
IMHO Elves having 3 eyes would radically drive home their insectoid-alien nature, almost more than other changes.
Obviously that would be a ret-con, but I don't believe Paizo is allergic to those, and after all,
there is a history of Wayne's art informing game-world lore (casting phenomena of "floating runes"). :-)
Maybe all those forehead decorations WERE really third eyes all along? I do think that would be good direction to go.

Hmmm, a triops ancestry for elves? Will it give Wes eggs-in-eyeballs nightmares?

7 people marked this as a favorite.
PossibleCabbage wrote:
Prince Setehrael wrote:

I like the new look.

And since Kyra is now on the War Priest path of Cleric, makes sense that her outfit is a little less dress and some pants.


I am very excited about pants in Pathfinder 2nd edition. For one thing, since item slots are no longer a thing we have the possibility of magic pants which is a thing I have always wanted.

If Pathfinder womens pants have pockets as standard, I would imagine most Pathfinder women would be very excited too.

I'm gonna need an official ruling on just how many pounds/kilos of pickles a PC can carry in both standard cargo pants and in efficient cargo pants of holding.

2 people marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:
Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
I also shaved off the beard, keeping a goatee of course.
{adjusts knob on foil-lined colander of conspiracy piercing} This sounds like a ploy of CY's evil be-goateed doppelgänger to throw us off his tracks.

Actually I have a goatee almost all the time, except in winter when I let it go so I don't need a scarf.

But, if I go full goatee with connecting mustache and everything then the kids call me the evil version of myself.

Interesting. I never considered that a full beard is actually just an evil goatee wearing a hairy disguise.

It occurs to me just now that dwarves should be able to gain a beard familiar.

1 person marked this as a favorite.
captain yesterday wrote:
I also shaved off the beard, keeping a goatee of course.

{adjusts knob on foil-lined colander of conspiracy piercing} This sounds like a ploy of CY's evil be-goateed doppelgänger to throw us off his tracks.

4 people marked this as a favorite.
Gorbacz wrote:
Ah, exactly, she looks like the miffed young lady from Sankt Petersburg who sold me that toxic homemade vodka once. I now also remember why I decided not to pursue any claim of liability against her.

Wait'll you try a snort of Dr. Fumbus' 18-In-1 Aids All Ails & All Ales Pure-Pickle Tequila and Paint Remover!

{is suddenly fascinated by phantasmal dancing pink oliphaunt }

7 people marked this as a favorite.
Herald of the Redeemer Queen wrote:
I love the idea of goblins using alternative learning methods to be able to use things like alchemy and magic without using written formulae. I think it's really clever, and I love seeing stuff like this. Give me more of this, please.

In addition to knotted/braided cords and tokens, I'm now picturing goblin alchemists recording alchemical formulas on wood blocks, hard shell gourds, bones, petrified cukes, and picklebug shells using very precise bites, gnaws, chews, and nibbles.

4 people marked this as a favorite.

Fighter: <crunch, munch> "This healing, er, pickle tastes weird. How long-" <crunch> "-until it starts to kick in?" <munch, munch, munch>

Fumbus: "That's odd, it should- Oh NO!" {looks at pickle perched on shoulder} "This isn't my homunculus; it's the gherkin of cure light wounds. That means-"

Fighter: <crunch, munch, munch>

Fumbus: "Pickle Nik! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

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