Best one-liner that made the whole table laugh?

[Dire Elf]

A couple of weeks ago our intrepid adventurers were under attack by some shadowy creatures. My tiefling noticed an area of unnatural darkness. A Perception check combined with his darkvision told him there was a creature inside it.

With great glee, I shouted, "I attack the darkness!"

[David M Mallon]

Dire Elf wrote:

A couple of weeks ago our intrepid adventurers were under attack by some shadowy creatures. My tiefling noticed an area of unnatural darkness. A Perception check combined with his darkvision told him there was a creature inside it.

With great glee, I shouted, "I attack the darkness!"

Did a blue-eyed (or possibly gray-eyed) elf appear in front of you?

[Dire Elf]

David M Mallon wrote:

Dire Elf wrote:

A couple of weeks ago our intrepid adventurers were under attack by some shadowy creatures. My tiefling noticed an area of unnatural darkness. A Perception check combined with his darkvision told him there was a creature inside it.

With great glee, I shouted, "I attack the darkness!"

Did a blue-eyed (or possibly gray-eyed) elf appear in front of you?

LOL! Sadly, no. No elves allowed.

[DebugAMP]

Best one was from a Call of Cthulhu game. A+ interrogation technique:
"We have your buddy, he confessed to everything! What did you do?"

[Vlaeros]

Dire Elf wrote:

LOL! Sadly, no. No elves allowed.

... then how were you there?!

[NenkotaMoon]

During my latest PFS scenario, I got hit by a charmed gas from some evil mushroom. Then it mind controlled me towards it and stuck a tendril in my character's ear, damaging my intelligence.

Once it was proudly vanquished, I said in my most stoner voice, "Bad trip man, bad trip."

[DebugAMP]

Looks like half of my previous post disappeared... I blame my poor proofreading abilities.

Another funny one was when the GM finished describing the smell of death and decay in a room, and one of the players said "Smells like experience!"

I laughed. Then he pointed out that he was just repeating what I said in a similar room a half hour prior. Apparently I was too drunk to remember.

[Bjørn Røyrvik]

After someone in the group had made a lewd joke:
Blonde 1: "It took me a while to get it. I'm blonde, after all."
Blonde 2: "I'm blonde and I still don't get it."

And B2 was being dead serious.

[Turin the Mad]

"Use the ballista to cover the entrance into the catacombs."

"If it shambles forth, kill it. If it has no flesh on its bones, kill it with extreme prejudice. If it has no flesh, run."

[Kirth Gersen]

Today, from our play-by-post:

Jym Withawye wrote:

"By all means let's try and go back up the way we came, but it seems likely that we'll have to go deeper to find a way out. Ooh, like a tapeworm!"

Jym searches the bodies of the zombies while relating the grisly details of his twin second cousins Chispers and Turlitt Fatherwood, who had twin tapeworms.

Dunno if it had the whole table laughing, but it sure as hell cracked me up.

[Alynthar42]

Was playing Reign of Winter last week, and ran into some big tree thing in Babba Yagga's hut. None of us could identify it, and none of us could communicate with it.

Me: I say "I am Groot."

DM: ...roll for initiative.

It turns out that, coming from a non-plant creature, "I am Groot" is a horrible racial slur.

[Dire Elf]

During yesterday's session, we were attacked by an Adherer, a type of undead that is sticky.

Player 1 (speaking to the party shaman): "Could you create water on it? That helps me when I'm sticky."

Player 2: "We don't want to hear about your weekends."

[jemstone]

"My 'nope' is a number approaching infinity right now."

[XanNelson]

Playing a PFS missions the team had been told of a woman who escaped from the sewers where she had been held prisoner, but then died shortly after her escape from the filth fever she contracted while there. After I describe the slippery nature of the walkways on either side of the stream of raw sewage the paladin and cleric, both in heavy armor with worthless dex scores, decide to just trudge on in rather than even attampt the checks to stay on the walkway.

Seconds after they announce their decision to walk down into the sewage the bard suddenly has a look of dawning horror as he actually remembers the mission briefing. "Wait wait wait, guys! Guys! The b$#*$ died from poop!"

Cleric to me: "Uh...am I already in the poop?"

Me: "Yup."

Cleric: "Well. This is going to go poorly then."

[Dire Elf]

The GM holds up the Adventure Path module, open to a page containing an illustration of a mummy, and announces to no one in particular:

"I'm not looking at this page for any particular reason."

[Kirth Gersen]

One of the PCs became involved with a half-orc NPC. We overdid the adult beverages one session, and the player was three sheets to the wind by the end of the game. His wife walks in to see if he's OK and he yells, "Honey, I'm not cheating on you, but I'm f!!#ing an orc!!!"

[quibblemuch]

Recently, while GMing a paladin temptation, I totally blew it because I couldn't resist adding (after all the Tempter NPC's careful, reasoned, compelling persuasion):

"It's the only way to save Padme."

[Goddity]

While outlining my 3.5 character build:
"He's playing a 2-int half orc barbarian"
"Hey! 3-int. The rulebook says I'm not allowed to have 2-int"

"Which is why I'm taking a level of bard but not putting ranks in perform"
"So then I take an obscure feat from psionics"

From the table:

"I've got a ridiculous Fort save. I'm basically immune to poison."

"I reach into the bag and take out my demonic muffin."

Then, two encounters later

"I hold the muffin in one hand, my club in the other. I stick the muffin in my mouth hold the club over my head two handed, and leap"

"NOOOOO! My muffin!"

[Fromper]

"Show me on the doll where the anti-paladin layed his hands on you."

[Goddity]

"I didn't even think it was possible to screw up making a first level character that badly"
"What's wrong with it?"
"For starters, you're second level"
"No I'm not. I multi classed"
"One level of wizard, and one level of assassin. 1 plus 1 equals 2."

[David M Mallon]

Goddity wrote:

"I didn't even think it was possible to screw up making a first level character that badly"

"What's wrong with it?"
"For starters, you're second level"
"No I'm not. I multi classed"
"One level of wizard, and one level of assassin. 1 plus 1 equals 2."

I once had a new player who wanted to make a multiclass character at first level. I told her she'd have to wait until second level. When her character was around third level, I happened to look at her sheet and saw that her stats were all weird. When I asked her what she did, she said, "since you said that I couldn't take my second class until second level, I was bummed out, but I figured out a better way to do it."

She'd taken all of the numbers from class A and class B, and had been averaging them for each level.

[N. Jolly]

So it's Gencon a few years back, my friends and I go because we're awesome and Bandai is a bro (long story), day 4 rolls around and this person walks up to us asking if any one of us wants to play in this 'kung fu' RPG. I snag the ticket, and I'm given a time, so about noon or so that day I go and meet with a random group of people to play this system from the 80's that I've never heard of. But whatever, I'm the coolest, so it's fine and they had doritos.

We start off, and it's this cheesy style game that's basically just a huge send up to those terrible kung fu movies from the 60's and such. Kung fu master comes in and wails on us, trains us for this big showdown against the mongol hoardes with a jokey montage sequence, it was great and we all loved it. Things are going great so far.

So the combat against the mongol hoarde starts, my character got a special move, like a hurricane kick, and I'm clearing out mooks with it. We beat 2 out of three of the big bosses, and the last one charges me, deals a lot of damage. I have a chance for one more attack, I land it against the big bad, but his counter attack basically guts me. The GM looks at me and says "Okay, you only have time left for 5 last words, what are they?" I look the GM square in the eye and say:

"THESE ARE MY FIVE WORDS!"

He waits, expecting me to say something, I stay quiet, he takes a second to count the words in his head, table explodes in laughter.

[Señor Vorpal Kickass'o]

David M Mallon wrote:

Goddity wrote:

"I didn't even think it was possible to screw up making a first level character that badly"

"What's wrong with it?"
"For starters, you're second level"
"No I'm not. I multi classed"
"One level of wizard, and one level of assassin. 1 plus 1 equals 2."

I once had a new player who wanted to make a multiclass character at first level. I told her she'd have to wait until second level. When her character was around third level, I happened to look at her sheet and saw that her stats were all weird. When I asked her what she did, she said, "since you said that I couldn't take my second class until second level, I was bummed out, but I figured out a better way to do it."

She'd taken all of the numbers from class A and class B, and had been averaging them for each level.

Seems legit to me. My problem is I have to keep redoing the math when each new class comes out to remain every class possible. 1/17 of a caster level is a b*tch to figure out.

[Dom Dorringer]

Just last night, we threw together a game, whereby rolling randomly made me a gnoll Cavalier (Musketeer + Luring + Order of the Land.) I was also randomly rolled as Chaotic Evil...so I protect the people of this land because I view them as mine, and no one messes with my stuff.

Our debut mission was four PCs meet in a warehouse after all having heard of a cache of magic wands, which we all intended to steal for ourselves. The Drow Sorcereress first move was to use Charm Person on me, which worked. My first was to threaten the human brawler with my gun. He failed a disarm attempt, but managed to touch the musket, and when I fired next round, I rolled a 2 and it misfired.
The Ratfolk ninja threw a smoke bomb and ran for the loots, but was too weak to pick up the loot and during character creation forgot to purchase thieves tools.

As we bantered out of initiative for few minutes, I eventually burst out in character: "Damn you people! You broke my gun! (To the brawler). You broke my stride (To the ratfolk because he had delayed us with the bomb), and you broke my mind! (To the drow)

Resummerized: "Damn you people! You broke my gun. You broke my stride, and you broke my mind!"

[TheAlicornSage]

Señor Vorpal Kickass'o wrote:

David M Mallon wrote:

Goddity wrote:

"I didn't even think it was possible to screw up making a first level character that badly"

"What's wrong with it?"
"For starters, you're second level"
"No I'm not. I multi classed"
"One level of wizard, and one level of assassin. 1 plus 1 equals 2."

I once had a new player who wanted to make a multiclass character at first level. I told her she'd have to wait until second level. When her character was around third level, I happened to look at her sheet and saw that her stats were all weird. When I asked her what she did, she said, "since you said that I couldn't take my second class until second level, I was bummed out, but I figured out a better way to do it."

She'd taken all of the numbers from class A and class B, and had been averaging them for each level.

Seems legit to me. My problem is I have to keep redoing the math when each new class comes out to remain every class possible. 1/17 of a caster level is a b*tch to figure out.

Good thing you didn't give up your ability to read for an extra feat.

[Señor Vorpal Kickass'o]

TheAlicornSage wrote:

Señor Vorpal Kickass'o wrote:

David M Mallon wrote:

Goddity wrote:

"I didn't even think it was possible to screw up making a first level character that badly"

"What's wrong with it?"
"For starters, you're second level"
"No I'm not. I multi classed"
"One level of wizard, and one level of assassin. 1 plus 1 equals 2."

I once had a new player who wanted to make a multiclass character at first level. I told her she'd have to wait until second level. When her character was around third level, I happened to look at her sheet and saw that her stats were all weird. When I asked her what she did, she said, "since you said that I couldn't take my second class until second level, I was bummed out, but I figured out a better way to do it."

She'd taken all of the numbers from class A and class B, and had been averaging them for each level.

Seems legit to me. My problem is I have to keep redoing the math when each new class comes out to remain every class possible. 1/17 of a caster level is a b*tch to figure out.

Good thing you didn't give up your ability to read for an extra feat.

What do I look like, Minmax? He's the other half of the glorious Kickaxxo team!

[SmiloDan]

Does Oxxakcik feel the pain when you get wounded?

[lucky7]

*talking about a villain*

Party Paladin (who almost was killed by him): I still have nightmares about that guy.

Kringle (my Eidolon, who ate the villain multiple times): *pats stomach* "He was even more delicious the second time around."

[TheAlicornSage]

How do you eat a villian multiple times?
Was your eidolon kirby or yoshi?

[lucky7]

The first time, I had the Eidolon spit him out when I realized it was the way to deal the most damage.

Then he was True Resurrected after he wxploded.

That was the one time I've ever argued my character should NOT get a reflex save.

[Dire Elf]

The party's alchemist likes to dissect monsters. His alchemy lab is full of monster organs in jars.

During the most recent session, he was subject to a spell effect that left him Stunned for several rounds.

Me: "[Alchemist], look at the pretty stars!"
Alchemist's player: "...and hearts... and livers..."

The alchemist also drinks a potion of countless eyes every day, so he is constantly covered in eyes. During the session he drinks a potion that gives him the Scent ability, in order to track someone.

Other player: "So if he's exposed to onions, do all his eyes water?"

Near the end of the session, the alchemist was chasing someone. He was flying, and to give himself reach, he drank a potion of enlarge person.

Other player: "You don't see an 11-foot-tall flying dwarf covered with eyes every day."
Cleric's player: "Thank Sarenrae!"

-------------------------------------------

GM: "I don't expect half of what you players do, but I roll with the punches."
Monk's player: "Good, because I flurry!"
GM: "I can't roll that fast."

[SmiloDan]

While raiding a remorhaz's lair to steal its eggs, the warlock mentioned something about "eggstenuating circumstances."

[HyperMissingno]

Dire Elf wrote:

The party's alchemist likes to dissect monsters. His alchemy lab is full of monster organs in jars.

During the most recent session, he was subject to a spell effect that left him Stunned for several rounds.

Me: "[Alchemist], look at the pretty stars!"
Alchemist's player: "...and hearts... and livers..."

The alchemist also drinks a potion of countless eyes every day, so he is constantly covered in eyes. During the session he drinks a potion that gives him the Scent ability, in order to track someone.

Other player: "So if he's exposed to onions, do all his eyes water?"

Near the end of the session, the alchemist was chasing someone. He was flying, and to give himself reach, he drank a potion of enlarge person.

Other player: "You don't see an 11-foot-tall flying dwarf covered with eyes every day."
Cleric's player: "Thank Sarenrae!"

-------------------------------------------

GM: "I don't expect half of what you players do, but I roll with the punches."
Monk's player: "Good, because I flurry!"
GM: "I can't roll that fast."

Is this player German and is the dwarf's last name Skronbrekker?

[quibblemuch]

Once, while embroiled in a plot of world-spanning significance with almost 100 separate factions vying to end our party's mortal (and postmortal) existences, we came across a small village of miners who needed our help (in the way that one does sometimes when Much Larger Things are afoot).

It seemed a pale yellow fey creature had moved into their mine and refused to vacate. The miners implored us to help them, offering coin and friendship. My inquisitor succeeded at a Knowledge (nature) check based on their sketchy descriptions of the invading fey, and promptly quipped:

"Sorry, you're on your own. I got 99 problems, but a pech ain't one."

[Dire Elf]

The alchemist is at it again. He's made himself several simulacra. He's also known for his abrasive personality.

Me: "[Alchemist] doesn't know anything about personal relationships."
Alchemist: "I totally understand personal relationships!"
Inquisitor: (referring to the alchemist's simulacra): "He has five of them right now!"

Later, we're still giving the alchemist a hard time.
Alchemist: "I bought a magic item to talk to people."
Fighter: "It costs 2 gold pieces per minute on weekdays, and 3 gold pieces on weekends."

[Qaianna]

(My) Barbarian, after onset time for Ghoul Fever (successful save): 'My mind and body are iron. Nay, STEEL.'
Cleric: 'I'm just checking for rust.'

[phantom1592]

My Dhampir tried to jump across a narrow river and rolled terribly ending up in the drink and washing away. After they fish him out and make some kind of derogatory comment about his swimming/jumping ability...

Dhampir: "What? I thought I did pretty good... My dad needs to be carried across rivers in a box!"

Later the florescent light bulbs In the gaming room flicker and got super bright. I looked at the player under them.

"Hey! Matt has an idea!!"

[Oli Ironbar]

Approaching the burned down mansion.
Me: Is there any cover for stealth?
GM: No, only withered field and vines.
Me: I move up to the vine. Perception check on the vine?
GM: Ok....
Me: <roll> 18 perception, what do I hear through the grape vine?

[jemstone]

Tonight's Cybergeneration game. Out of nowhere, I start channeling Doctor Evil while talking to the party Wizard about his social media/liveblog not matching up with his experiences:

"I've developed a new, miraculous invention, gentlemen. A new method for storing and recalling events, with the potential to draw upon those events for future reference... I call them..." (fingers go up in air quotes) "Memories."

It's not the same without the vocal cue, but the whole game stopped while we recovered. :)

[DaemonArcher]

"My character regrets piledriving the man. I sure don't"

"I steal the skelly-man's head booby!"

"The air was on fire an lo the kineticist smiled"

"Your pixie now holds the record for highest number of bosses slain" (g$@+!!n kill-stealer she was awesome)

"Welcome to true facts. Today we're defending nazis" I'll leave the context out on that one because it sounds oh so much better that way.

[Baval]

Me, on my inventor: once i finish making this barnacle scraping homunculus, ill auction it off to the two biggest businesses here and rake in mad profits (port town)

Friend, Dual Cursed Oracle pokes his head in from kitchen: did somebody say Mad Prophets!?

[Dire Elf]

Not tabletop gaming, but I'm putting it here anyway.

Last night my husband was playing The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. When his character killed a draugr (a type of undead, for those not familiar with this game), he remarked, "I deaded it."
Me: "You mean you re-deaded it."
Husband (in mock radio announcer voice): "'This re-deadification brought to you by Solstheim. I'm Casey Hergenjergen.'"

[Fromper]

Not from a game, but related.

The phrase "God bless America" came up in an internet discussion. Someone jokingly asked "What exactly happens when God blesses America?" My response: "America gets a +1 morale bonus to attack rolls and saving throws vs fear."

I'm not sure if anyone got the joke (it was in a non-gaming discussion group).

[Liz Courts]

Removed an off-color post. Please keep it clean, thank you.

[RealAlchemy]

"So, how did he die?"

"I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure this great big f*ing hole is his chest had something to do with it."

[Haladir]

GM (me) Make a Stealth check to sneak past the guard.
Rogue *rolls* Natural 20! With all my bonuses thats... 51!
GM . . .
Sorcerer With that roll, he could sneak by the guard by doing the moonwalk naked while playing Back in Black on the electric ukelele!

[Derek Dalton]

This will take a bit to explain but I think well worth. First the game is Rifts a post apocalyptic game with magic. We had a player named Ted who often made mistakes more then actually cheated. So one combat I have designed really tough monsters and they were hitting everyone pretty well. I rolled to hit Ted rolling like a sixteen on a D20. Ted rolled like a four. So I give the number he needs to beat something in the high forties. A Hundred and eight to dodge. Everyone went. "Huh?" No one could imagine how he got that number. So we checked his stats and figures. The first thing he did was of course added his Dex like three times once for class. He added a couple of numbers just because. But just hearing 108 to dodge. We all chuckle about it.
The second incident with him. The party was in full swing at this compound full of tech like knights. They were very similar to Paladins. Now to give it more background magic used a point based system with it being called PPE. Killing a person doubles their normal amount the term sucking PPE. It's considered an evil act and these knight guys actively hunt people that do this. So Ted had arrived late to our game and was anxious to Role Play. He started becoming a pest refusing to wait his turn so I finally said. "Alright Ted." His Response was. "I suck PPE." Stunned silence from the group. As if he hadn't made himself clear added. "I suck PPE from living people." He didn't but the fact he was implying he killed people for the PPE in a room full of people who hunt guys like him was just staggering. I should have killed him the rest of the group not even trying to save him from such a statement. My co GM said he would have. My reasoning was Rifts characters take forever to create and Ted is slow to create new Characters.
Last but not least. Another character had a way to grant power to others but he later mind controlled those same people. He did it with the entire party including Ted. He and I had also implanted a small charge of C4 inside their heads for security measures. We were not really nice Lawful Evil in alignment essentially. So Ted had pissed the one guy off to allow him to continue breathing. He said. "Ted take off your helmet." Now he has full control of Ted's Character but the player said. "No." He asked once more with the answer the same. After we explained his character was mind controlled he really shouldn't be saying no asked him to take his helmet off. "No." We ended up using the explosives to kill him anyway.

[jemstone]

Last night's Cybergeneration game, the wrap-up episode.

"Avery's" player recently got a new cat, who is a long, lanky, adorable little guy.

But this cat is lengthy. As in, "Can easily stand high enough to reach the top of the TV tray and still have reaching-room" lengthy.

So he's doing his usual examination of things on top of other things, and I remark "Man, that cat's a long one."

The comment is then made that one day he'll be as long as Avery's player is tall.

"Yeah," I say. "And then he'll just steal your skin and wear you like a suit. No one will be able to tell."

Avery's player turns, a confused look on his face. He opens his mouth and in a perfect imitation of his new cat:

"Mew?"

[Tacticslion]

jemstone wrote:

Last night's Cybergeneration game, the wrap-up episode.

"Avery's" player recently got a new cat, who is a long, lanky, adorable little guy.

But this cat is lengthy. As in, "Can easily stand high enough to reach the top of the TV tray and still have reaching-room" lengthy.

So he's doing his usual examination of things on top of other things, and I remark "Man, that cat's a long one."

The comment is then made that one day he'll be as long as Avery's player is tall.

"Yeah," I say. "And then he'll just steal your skin and wear you like a suit. No one will be able to tell."

Avery's player turns, a confused look on his face. He opens his mouth and in a perfect imitation of his new cat:

"Mew?"

... and here, I was really expecting this to go into a "Long Cat is Looooooooooooo~ooooooonnnng~!" thing!