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AM TARDIGRADE! UNCLE GOATTOUCHER ISN'T! HAVE QUESTION:
AM TARDIGRADE! WANT TO TAKE UP HOOKAH-SMOKING!
AM TARDIGRADE! HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING INTO HOOKAH-LIFESTYLE!
HOW TO USE HOOKAH WITH 8 CLAWS?!
HOW TO PUFF ON HOOKAH WITH -AM TARDIGRADE!!!- MOUTHPARTS!?
WHAT SMOKABLES -MINIMUM 3- BEST-RECOMMENDED FOR -AM TARDIGRADE!!!-?!? AM TARDIGRADE! INTERESTED IN LITERALLY ANYTHING -EXCEPT- CANNABIS!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! AM PERPLEXED! WHAT TO DO?!?
My durable friend,
I'm afraid I don't smoke. Bad habit, don't you know.
Good luck, though.
Uncle GoatToucher
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In order: Mao, Trump, Thatcher, Stalin (obviously), the little Austrian fellow, Chamberlin, Kim Il Sun, and the 14th Dalai Lama.
Need 'em to be 20th Century, hon; that one, sure he was around for much of it, but he turned out to be a bit of a late-bloomer.
I was also hoping for 'why?' to each as well (not that some weren't more self-evident than others, I will grant!).
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In order: Mao, Trump, Thatcher, Stalin (obviously), the little Austrian fellow, Chamberlin, Kim Il Sun, and the 14th Dalai Lama.
Need 'em to be 20th Century, hon; that one, sure he was around for much of it, but he turned out to be a bit of a late-bloomer.
I was also hoping for 'why?' to each as well (not that some weren't more self-evident than others, I will grant!).
Ugh. Darling, don't make it work.
Sigh.
Earth: Mao Zedong - A people and a political philosophy that stretches wide and reaches deep. Slow moving but unrelenting. That which the soil nourishes, thrives. That which stands in the way of the tumbling boulder is crushed. It hears no pleas for mercy. It brooks no argument. It will crack, but it takes either tremendous force or tremendous patience.
Air: Donald Trump - Full of Bluster, but, ultimately, empty. A cultural and financial leader in the 80s and 90s. His expansion into politics in the 21st century was merely a broadening of scope. He is the same as he ever was: venal, faithless, and utterly corrupt. He has built nothing of value, and has destroyed a great deal in his passing. Like a hurricane, his passing was terrible, but he will be remembered only for the damage he caused.
Wood: Dame Margaret Thatcher - Alive, but insensate. Unfeeling. Cares only for expansion. It drinks deep from the lowly and gives fruit to those on high. As with many wooden implements, she was a useful tool for those who wielded her.
Metal: Josef Stalin - Hard and cold. An unrelenting weight. Unbroken by pressure. Unsoftened by emotion. He is the ferryman's scythe sweeping and the brute's truncheon bearing down. Much of what he built stands, even if his face and name have been scrubbed away.
Fire: That Guy - Pride, like fire, can be useful when applied in a controlled fashion. More likely (and more often) it can rage out of control if left unattended, and rush to destroy not only your own home, but those of your neighbors. Inclined to leave the innocent in the wake of it's all consuming passion. The pain it deals is excruciating. The scars it leaves are horrible.
Water: Neville Chamberlin - Could have doused the fire, had he the will. Ultimately, rather than firm resolve, he proved malleable to those disinclined to the dirty work the moment required. They paid for their indolence later, along with millions of others.
Void: Kim Il Sung - Where he goes, no hope, no truth, no love, no light can exist. All are consumed, wiped away, replaced with tools that serve him. He dies, but his legacy of fear is reconstituted again and again. Hundreds of millions live in the shadow of his madness.
Spirit/Life/Thought: Tenzin Gyatso: 14th Dalai Lama - The opposite number of the Void. He brings hope, and truth, and love, and light to the world. He serves Spirit Life and Thought with a singularity of purpose and lack of ego that set him, more than any leader of the age, as an example of how to treat one's fellows.
Phew! This calls for a beverage!
Oh Jambi!
XOXOXO,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
No doubt you have heard of me, as my reputation almost surpasses yours, and I require the use of your wisdom. A rarity, I am painfully aware of, but I am sick and tired of not being able to get what I want!
Anyway, you what advice I seek from you:
1. He-Man, how do I beat him once and for all?
2. The power of Greyskull, what do I need to do to get it?
3. Mordak, your recommendations for getting rid of him forever?
4. Eternia, I want it, so how do I get it?
5. Buffoons for henchmen, tell me how to diminish their foolishness!
I know that last one was a proper question, but I have had it with the stupidity!
Contact me when you have the solutions to my predicaments.
Yours sincerely,
The TRUE Master of the Universe!
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
No doubt you have heard of me, as my reputation almost surpasses yours, and I require the use of your wisdom. A rarity, I am painfully aware of, but I am sick and tired of not being able to get what I want!
Anyway, you what advice I seek from you:
1. He-Man, how do I beat him once and for all?
2. The power of Greyskull, what do I need to do to get it?
3. Mordak, your recommendations for getting rid of him forever?
4. Eternia, I want it, so how do I get it?
5. Buffoons for henchmen, tell me how to diminish their foolishness!I know that last one was a proper question, but I have had it with the stupidity!
Contact me when you have the solutions to my predicaments.
Yours sincerely,
The TRUE Master of the Universe!
Well aren't you a fun little fellow! And such a theme! MArvelous!
So:
--1. He-Man, how do I beat him once and for all?
Lay down intersecting fields of suppressive fire with two emplaced M2 .50 caliber machine guns and then call in a fire mission of three HE rounds set to proximity detonation from your 80mm mortar platoon. This will result in 24 explosions, each with a 40m blast radius. Nothing living will survive.
--2. The power of Greyskull, what do I need to do to get it?
Assuming you have already accomplished #1, send an assassin to hit The Sorceress with a blow dart tipped with Amazonian Blue-Footed Frog poison. She'll be dead in moments, and, due to the toxin's nature as a nerve agent, she will be unable to strike out with a Death Curse.
Then just pull the U-Haul up to the mouth-drawbridge and move in!
--3. Mordak, your recommendations for getting rid of him forever?
I assume you mean Hordak, erstwhile nemesis of Adam of Eternia's sister Adora and your competitor.
See #1. I have seen these people work, and they clearly have no head for tactical operations.
--4. Eternia, I want it, so how do I get it?
Well, complete operations 1-3 and then use your preferred methods of subjugation of the masses. Nobody will be able to put up a defense with He-Man and the Sorceress gone and you in possession of both the might of Greyskull and the Sword of Power.
--5. Buffoons for henchmen, tell me how to diminish their foolishness!
Oh stop you silly goose! Watching henchmen bumble about is half the fun! How else will you entertain yourself after your dominance is secured?
I recommend a good valet, though. I'll send you a card for the service I use. Tell them I sent you (though admittedly this might be alarming for them. You'll work it out, I am sure.)
Happy hunting!
Uncle GoatToucher
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*Screeches, roars and growls in a pleading manner.*
*Also begins to breathe fire profusely.*
** spoiler omitted **
:nods:
Quite.
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Unkie Goatie Touchie,
I have been sampling from Grandpa's box of out-of-date 1950s geriatric medication.
I am exploding in approximately 15 different dimensions, many unknown to science.
I am being chased by a) a fire breathing tree, and b) a chimera with the heads of Barba Striesland, Bette Midler, and Carly Rae Jepson
I am simultaneously playing 'soggy biscuit' with Winnie the Pooh and God.
I also no longer have Parkinson's Disease.
My question to you is, how do you fancy Dorchester Town's chances against Weymouth FC this Sunday.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
My sincerest apologies for constantly writing to you, but I have learnt of something that I would love to hear your opinion on.
I have tried to tell you about this for a while now, but I also had other problems that needed more urgent addressing.
Anyway, squats have returned to 40k, as the League of Votann.
What is your thoughts about this surprising turn of events?
Yours sincerely,
Ever grateful for your advice.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
What is the best way to rob a large corporate bank as, thoroughly as possible, using only the skills possessed by 3-5 Peter Ustinov roles?
Subversively Yours,
Dark Thoughts
The Prince of Wales (later George IV) from "Beau Brummel" is The Money
The Ghost of Blackbeard from "Blackbeard's Ghost" uses his supernatural powers to become The Inside Man and gather information on the security system and the habits of the guards.
Hercule Poirot from "Death on the Nile" uses his powers of perception and deduction to check for holes in the plan.
Batiatus from "Spartacus" provides The Muscle in the form or highly trained men.
Give Sir Peter my regards,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Launching DEARUNCLEGOATTOUCHER.exe:
...
...
...
What
The
Hell
Is
'2'
And
Why
Do
I
See
It
Everywhere
???C:\_
Conceive
--Conceive
another
identical
--
Combined
there
are
"2"
--
Positive
Energy
Uncle
GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
In light of the recent popularization of "GOAT" as an acronym, I feel obliged to ask:
Of all goats you have ever known (in any sense of the word), which goat was the GOAT of goats?Until The End,
An Enquiring Mind
:sighs wistfully:
:gestures behind and above his desk at a picture of a majestic black goat with shining horns of carved obsidian:
:below, a small placard reads "Lord Ridgeway":
:GT takes out a small satin handkerchief and wipes away a tear:
Never Forget.
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
My sincerest apologies for constantly writing to you, but I have learnt of something that I would love to hear your opinion on.
I have tried to tell you about this for a while now, but I also had other problems that needed more urgent addressing.Anyway, squats have returned to 40k, as the League of Votann.
What is your thoughts about this surprising turn of events?Yours sincerely,
Ever grateful for your advice.
"Squat" is a very satisfying word to say.
Squat.
SQUAT.
Tee hee!
Yours,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I'm still a prisoner in your workroom, the lower half of my body still looks like a macabre banana split, I'm not sure if I'm alive or dead, there's a constant ringing in my ears and I've been cured of my scurvy.
My question is this: How does someone get the better of/vanquish you once and for all?
Yours Sincerely,
Whatever I am nowadays.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I'm still a prisoner in your workroom, the lower half of my body still looks like a macabre banana split, I'm not sure if I'm alive or dead, there's a constant ringing in my ears and I've been cured of my scurvy.
My question is this: How does someone get the better of/vanquish you once and for all?
Yours Sincerely,
Whatever I am nowadays.
Well, I'll hardly give it all away, but I will tell you the first two steps:
1: Discover my .
2: Avoid being driven to insensate madness by the knowledge of my .
Consider what kind of information would be considered a by me. I will warn you ahead of time that the knowledge has a corrosive effect on most types of brainmeats.
Hope this helps. Jambi, be a dear and put him in the wheelbarrow and dump him out behind the shed.
Uncle GoatToucher.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
With the recent release of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet, I am curious to know what direction you think that franchise is going (besides downhil, of course) and what future regions we will get along with new Pokémon and regional variants. Please go into as much detail as possible, as my feeble brain wishes to take in all the information.
Yours sincerely,
He who knows (but doesn't care about) your
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
With the recent release of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet, I am curious to know what direction you think that franchise is going (besides downhil, of course) and what future regions we will get along with new Pokémon and regional variants. Please go into as much detail as possible, as my feeble brain wishes to take in all the information.
Yours sincerely,
He who knows (but doesn't care about) your
The longer a franchise runs, the more precipitous the decline in quality as the central premises have to be stretch out to the point of breaking.
Look for it in all forms of media. We need to let properties die, or perhaps entertain the British model of skipping several years between "series" of a show. If I recall, there is a show involving Dame Hellen Mirren as a crime solving lawyer that has eight seasons across fourteen years, or some such.
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
What are 3-5 good methods of weaponizing pizza?
Arrivederci,
Baking Bread
1: Freeze it and use it as a bladed weapon.
2: Superheat it and use it as an incendiary.
3: Poison it for consumption by humans.
3: Poison it for consumption by livestock.
5: Fees it to local birds, where the laxative effects of all the oils in the food will cause explosive evacuation while in flight over your enemies.
Stay well.
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
What is this disgusting thing behind the shed? And why am I even looking there?
Yours sincerely,
Deeply confused
It is a caterpillar, emerging from its own ravaged anus to become a butterfly!
When it does so, put a pin through it and mount it in your collection.
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I'm currently feasting on your brain (or equivalent) and it is really good!
Just how do you keep it so delicious?
Yours sincerely,
Hunger sated.
I keep it marinated in fine, aged liqueurs and just a hint of nutmeg.
P.S. I hope that you are not inconvenienced by my actions.
Quite all right, my friend. You see...
...I have been eating your brain as well!
Uncle GoatToucher
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Get a room already, you two!
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
We value your many years of loyal and generous patronage, we really do - but what THE HELL is wrong with most of your '+1's???
Seriously, even our illegal custom-kitbashed laundry-irradiator cannot keep up with all you do with our sheets and linens, and the Canada Dry tonic-water we keep on hand always disappears when you're around. Nobody's even supposed to be drinking that!
Are you going to start finding a higher class of whores and lepers to hang out with, or are we going to have to call in Joe Pesci to straighten things out (and if not him, we got Keith Moon and Ginger Baker on standby too, y'know)?
You Are All Diseased,
The Management and Proprietors at The SLEEP!-&-F%+%! Motel
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I have in my possession irrefutable proof that yes, contrary to generations of aggressive denial, Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.
I fear for my life and what remains of my sanity, but the public MUST know! To whom can I possibly entrust this information???
Mene Mene Tickle Your Parson,
The Sound of Silence
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
We value your many years of loyal and generous patronage, we really do - but what THE HELL is wrong with most of your '+1's???
Seriously, even our illegal custom-kitbashed laundry-irradiator cannot keep up with all you do with our sheets and linens, and the Canada Dry tonic-water we keep on hand always disappears when you're around. Nobody's even supposed to be drinking that!
Are you going to start finding a higher class of whores and lepers to hang out with, or are we going to have to call in Joe Pesci to straighten things out (and if not him, we got Keith Moon and Ginger Baker on standby too, y'know)?
You Are All Diseased,
The Management and Proprietors at The SLEEP!-&-F%#@! Motel
Hm. Interesting. Allow me to retort.
:pulls on a tasseled cord, beginning a series of clunks and whirrs in the walls and ceiling, followed by a faint jingling. A soft noise at first, but building into a roar:
:a chute opens directly above Carlin, and thousands of gold pieces crash down on to him, gradually crushing him:
:the flood abates to a trickle, and then a final -ping- as the last coin drops:
I imagine that should cover it.
Jambi? Call the front desk and tell them we shall be staying through the week. Then call housekeeping: we'll be needing more linens.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I have in my possession irrefutable proof that yes, contrary to generations of aggressive denial, Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.
I fear for my life and what remains of my sanity, but the public MUST know! To whom can I possibly entrust this information???
Mene Mene Tickle Your Parson,
The Sound of Silence
Take my advice: burn that envelope unopened. You shan't profit from the knowledge. Indeed, the knowing might be your undoing.
For... reasons.
You might consider relocating to another plane as well.
Yours in unwholesome knowledge,
Uncle GoatToucher
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--3. Mordak, your recommendations for getting rid of him forever?I assume you mean Hordak, erstwhile nemesis of Adam of Eternia's sister Adora and your competitor.
Yes, I deliberately called him "Mordak" as a combination of moron and Hordak.
Thank you for the advice, it was most helpful to me achieving my goals!
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:sighs wistfully:
:gestures behind and above his desk at a picture of a majestic black goat with shining horns of carved obsidian:
:below, a small placard reads "Lord Ridgeway":
:GT takes out a small satin handkerchief and wipes away a tear:
Never Forget.
Uncle GoatToucher
*Proudly bleets, being very much alive.*
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:wraps himself in a flag of an indeterminable country as an indeterminable anthem plays from an indeterminable source:
:sniffs: Truly: Nothing eternal can truly perish from the world...
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
How come no-one care where Orange Hulk come from?
They are too absorbed in their own business to give a passing thought to an ochre behemoth.
Sad really. Sign of the times.
You know where Orange Hulk come from, yes?
Goodness yes! And what a story: fraught with intrigue, adventure, and childlike wonder!
I count myself lucky to know the tale.
Now don't forget to seek your joy in hobbies in between lumbering about, my friend.
Yours,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I'm going on another "Fantastic Journey" through 24 locations, and I was wondering which old ones should I revisit?
And what new locations should I go to?
Yours sincerely,
Where did I leave my belongings?
For a truly invigorating time, I recommend the Probe-Pits of the Tienish people. "Leave no hole unturned!" is their motto! They consider it wholistic medicine (no pun intended).
Your senses will never feel so alive! What a way to begin your journey: better able to see, hear, smell, and taste the places your journey takes you!
Yours dilated,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I am in VERY URGENT need of guidance as to my present predicament:
I was just loafing around the house here, when I decided to go to the living room to watch TV; when I got there, I couldn't help but look out the window at my front lawn, and the angel-statue I'd had put in just last week. I know it might sound silly, but something about that statue was really creeping me out, so I got up to close the blinds, and that's when I remembered, to my horror...
...I don't have a front lawn.
Aloha,
Shaken In Suburbia
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I am in VERY URGENT need of guidance as to my present predicament:
I was just loafing around the house here, when I decided to go to the living room to watch TV; when I got there, I couldn't help but look out the window at my front lawn, and the angel-statue I'd had put in just last week. I know it might sound silly, but something about that statue was really creeping me out, so I got up to close the blinds, and that's when I remembered, to my horror...
...I don't have a front lawn.
Aloha,
Shaken In Suburbia
Ah. A Carnivorous Lawn. I've seen them a hundred times. The statuary draws you in to examine it (usually with come "inscription" of gobbeldy-g#!% on the dais). Then is rolls up on you, quick as a flash, while you neighbors are none the wiser, assuming that you are preparing to lay down sod.
There are two ways to do about this, the first is the good old Rot-Grub. A million household uses, and high in protein!
The second is cleansing flame.
You might tame it, now that I think on it, with the proper incentives and enough patience (particularly if you don't care for your neighbors).
Yours in need of a trim,
Uncle GoatToucher
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*In between travelling with Wally, writes a letter to GoatToucher.*
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
As you know, having been a regular - and much welcome - my guest at my castle, I am in possession of an apple cart. However, I have spent quite a lot of effort in making sure that nothing upsets the apple cart (it's very sensitive, and therapy sessions are just so ridiculously expensive). I do not wish to get rid of the apple cart, but I must know how to deal with the situation permanently.
Yours sincerely,
He who always serves tooth bread at parties and banquets.
P.S. I have asked my daughter, Vampire Schism, to look after my castle whilst I am away (with the help of Dowager Comtesse de Malodor). Do you think that you could pop in and see how everything is going? I'd be most grateful.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
A few friends and I are planning to have a wild house party for Count Reiner Heydrich when he returns from participating in the Fantastic Journey. Naturally, you're invited, as it would be wrong not to have you attend. Do you know a good venue and what would you recommend to make sure that the party is fun for all and an experience that can never be forgotten?
In addition, we've all thought about staying at The SLEEP!-&-F!*#! Motel, would that be feasible or is it too sensible for our crazy mischief?
Yours sincerely,
He who became one of your best friends.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
A few friends and I are planning to have a wild house party for Count Reiner Heydrich when he returns from participating in the Fantastic Journey. Naturally, you're invited, as it would be wrong not to have you attend. Do you know a good venue and what would you recommend to make sure that the party is fun for all and an experience that can never be forgotten?
In addition, we've all thought about staying at The SLEEP!-&-F!*#! Motel, would that be feasible or is it too sensible for our crazy mischief?
Yours sincerely,
He who became one of your best friends.
I have the perfect venue in mind: some time ago, a very interesting and undeniably huge creature emerged from the darkest and most squamous depths to lay waste to the populous. Some sort of curse set upon the kingdom by some sorcerer or another. At any rate, this proved inconvenient, as I was the the middle of posing for a portrait featuring myself (nude of course) and some strategically placed fruit and wildlife.
One well placed obelisk later and the creature was pithed, immobilize in a sea cave nearby. It has not been allowed to die, but the centuries have wrought upon it a slow deterioration which has been perfectly scrumptious in the degree of agony and dread inflicted upon the erstwhile destroyer. I would wager that with the right lighting and perhaps a curtain or two, it's chest cavity would make a most delightful venue for all manner of goings on.
As a conversation piece, its heart looms above, as big as a cottage, still beating intermittently, pulsing unwanted life to the creature's tormented brainmeats.
I'll send a palanquin over to bring you to inspect it. The right hirelings could do wonders with the space.
Yours within...
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
Firstly, I hope you are alright, as the forum just isn't the same without you. The screams and ungodly wailing that echoes throughout the threads has reduced to nothing more than quiet moans. And though we are now able to sleep at night, it has left us all feeling empty. For despite being reviled by your "little jokes" that are your experiments and such, because they have been so extrinsic to our existence that we find ourselves lamenting at not being kept up in the night, fearing for our very souls and awaiting the moment you would visit upon one of us your "tender mercies". Hopefully, you will return and reign supreme as teach us how to sing The Song of Pain!
Now, for my question. I am contemplating about making a PC (as in Player Character, not the computer device) that works as an expert magician, but who is also a highly trained assassin. I was thinking of giving him (it's a male PC) a couple of magician swords (scimitars specifically) to dual wield and have the classic "poof, disappear into a cloud of smoke" teleport. What class(es) should I use and how should I play such a character?
Yours sincerely,
We all miss you.