dEAR uNCLE gOATTOUCHER,
mY CAPSLOCK KEY IS STUCK, PROBABLY FROM SPILLED BODILY FLUIDS TAKEN WITHOUT PROPER CONTRACT, OR ONE OF MY UNAUTHORIZED SLOPPY FEASTS.
sOLUTIONS?
First of all, one would be well advised not to reveal the acquisition of body fluids/tissues without contractual arrangement in a public forum. Bad for business.
As or the solutions for the... solutions (my little joke!), sadly, there is none in the short term. The fluids will not come out before they prove ruinous to your electronics.
In the future, do one of the following, as suits your needs:
1: Purchase a number of inexpensive keyboards to replace the ones you soil.
2: Replace your keyboard with a more expensive version (and perhaps one spare) and purchase a plastic cover for it. These are intended for use by mundane people to prevent dust and less moist food particles from getting into the works, but they will do the trick for you, short of submersion. A quick and easy version would be a layer of thin, clear plastic over the keyboard, placed over it when you know you will be creating a fluid-rich environment.
I hope this was helpful. As payment, I would like you to see to it that no fewer than three of the regulars of this forum have the opportunity to see you in action, unable to look away... or forget.
There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing is done.
Uncle GoatToucher.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Dear Toucher of goats who claims title of parent's sibling,
There has recently been some debate that reploids and humans cannot coexist (even though, apparently, this issue has been dealt with many hundreds of years ago) because of how much supply and energy each side needs. As such, many reploids are attacking each other and the humans also have started grafting cybernetic parts onto themselves (and that's not even mentioning the pseudoroids). The whole thing has just become one convoluted mess! What's the correct source of action?
The future begins in Neo Arcadia,
Panter Flauclaws
I had hoped that someone would ask this question, as I feel it would have been gauche to simply offer my opinion on the matter.
War is inevitable. Begin gathering resources for this eventuality. Gather materials, workers, servants, and lieutenants for the coming tumult, as well as a location spacious enough for your needs and defensible (by your servants) against those who would deprive you of said resources.
Make sure to have a way to contact or survey the world outside your realm, because the war will one day end, and you must be prepared to take best advantage of the situation at hand.
Hopefully, you will survive, with fortune and skill, you will thrive, even rule.
I hope this was helpful. I will reserve a payment request until after the issue is settled, as I certainly will survive, and, if you do not, then my advice did not serve well enough to warrant payment.
Step in time.
Uncle GoatToucher
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
I've been hired to write the script for a big-budget Leisure Suit Larry movie. The director's either going to be Steven Spielberg, Simon Pegg, or (odd as I know it sounds) Tim Burton - nobody knows which yet, and I have no say over it. However, I have otherwise been authorized to draft whoever I wish, SO I am hereby deputizing YOU to be casting director!
Long story short: Big-budget Leisure Suit Larry movie, out in, let's say, Summer 2021. Original story, high-fidelity to source material.
Gimme a 5d10-person cast.Play 'La Marseillaise' (Play It!),
I'm Hiding EVEN IN YOUR MOVIE THEATRES!
With gusto!
Lawrence: Kenneth Branagh
Fawn: Kate Blanchett
Faith: Catherine Zeta-Jones
Eve: Katherine Heigl
The Whore: Kathy Griffin
I hope this was helpful. As payment, ensure that the film is given a wide release with an NC-17 rating. Do what you have to do.
We are, two Wild and Crazy Guys!
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
If you, you know, HAD TO:
Darmok, or Jalad?
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Gilgamesh, or Enkidu?
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Laurel, or Hardy?
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Woodward, or Bernstein?
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Samantha, or Jeannie?
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Orville, or Wilbur?
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Frank, or Ernest?
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Prometheus, or Epimetheus?
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Barney Google, or Snuffy Smith?
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Columbia, or Magenta?
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Montresor, or Fortunato?
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Beavis, or Butthead?
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Daria, or Jane?
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Odie, or Nermal?
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Ector, or Kay?
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Ronald McDonald, or the Hamburglar?
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Gog, or Magog?
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Dr. Forrester, or TV's Frank?
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
Where did I put my latest victim's car keys? A perusal of the ample viscera has been fruitless.
Can your innate clairvoyance locate them? I fear I will violate multiple contracts with ancient entities if they are not found, one of which is most painful.
They are lodged in your duodenum, still clutched in their hand.
I hope this was helpful. As payment, please extract the bottle of expensive wine from the same organ.
F*$~ da poh-leece.
Uncle GoatToucher
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
If you, you know, HAD TO:
-Darmok, or Jalad?
Jalad, weeping, at the gastroenterologist.
-Gilgamesh, or Enkidu?
We'd find out who the -real- tyrant is...
-Laurel, or Hardy?
Oliver seems like he would make the more amusing noises.
- Woodward, or Bernstein?
Both. They are into that sort of thing, the rascals...
-Samantha, or Jeannie?
Oh my. That is tough.
I'd say too close to call, but I simply must know what terrible secret is hidden in Barbara Eden's navel.
-Orville, or Wilbur?
I'm a sucker for a handlebar mustache and derby.
-Frank, or Ernest?
Frank. I can't abide a scraggly mustache.
-Prometheus, or Epimetheus?
Epimetheus, definitely. Both as a feminist statement, and because Prometheus is already well acquainted with suffering.
-Barney Google, or Snuffy Smith?
Ugh, those mustaches...
Snuffy, and I'd make his wife watch...
-Columbia, or Magenta?
Absolutley yes, please.
-Montressor, or Fortunato?
For the love of god, Montressor.
And I'd do it with impunity.
-Beavis, or Butthead?
Butthead, and I would not stop until I broke him, no matter how long it took. No matter what depths I must plumb.
-Daria, or Jane?
Assuming they were adults, Daria, if only to make her feel something. To shatter her self-indulgent facade of apathy.
-Odie, or Nermal?
I would hide Nermal in a special, secret place. He would not like it there.
-Ector, or Kay?
Kay, to show him that there is more to fear than what lies in his limited imagination.
-Ronald McDonald, or the Hamburglar?
Hamburglar, telling him that I would only stop if he used English. For every "robble" an hour would be added to our session.
-Gog, or Magog?
Gog fancies himself omnipotent. I would disabuse him of this notion.
-Dr. Forrester, or TV's Frank?
Everyone loves TV's Frank.
I hope this was helpful. In exchange, I would like the same sort of list from you, with ten pairs of vagrants, barflies, and petty criminals from your local community as the choices.
Than you must put paid to your choices. Recording this would be appreciated. Lubricant is optional. Antibiotics are recommended.
Luck be a lady tonight!
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
SUPER-BONUS ROUND!!!:
Kirk, or Picard?
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Bert, or Ernie?
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Jay, or Silent Bob?
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Lucy and Ethel, or Ricky and Fred?
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Scylla, or Charybdis?
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Gumby, or Pokey?
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Walrus, or Carpenter?
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Sonic, or Knuckles?
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Vinnie, or Dot Matrix?
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Cold Miser, or Heat Miser?
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Abercrombie, or Fitch?
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Ben, or Jerry?
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Charles, or David?
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Rabbit Season, or Duck Season?
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Sheltem, or Corak?
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Tom, Dick, or Harry?
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Mephisto, Diablo, or Bhaal?
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Dewey, Cheatem, or Howe?
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Scarecrow, Tin Man, or Lion?
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Quark, Odo, or Morn?
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Clothos, Lachesis, or Atropos?
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AT&T, MCI, or Sprint?
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Zealot of Whiteshield, Tumult of Bloodreign, or Malefactor of Dragontooth?
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the one who brought gold, the one who brought frankincense, or the one who brought myrrh?
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Roosevelt, Churchill, or Stalin?
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Plato, Socrates, or Aristotle?
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Bobbin Threadbare, Rusty Nailbender, or Fleece Firmflanks?
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Crow, Tom Servo, or Gypsy?
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Tinker, tailor, soldier, or spy?
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Tinky-Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy, or Po?
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The one on the white horse with a bow, The one on the red horse with a sword, The one on the black horse with a scale-set, or The one on the greenish horse with a whole buncha scary s$**?
-
Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, or Ma-Ti?
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John, Mark, Luke, Matthew, or Judas?
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Uhura, Troi, Kira, 7/9, or Stamets?
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Green, White, Blue, Black, or Red?
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Ms. Peacock, Col. Mustard, Mrs. White, Rev. Green, Miss Scarlet, or Prof. Plum?
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Knight, Barbarian, Sorceress, Necromancer, Wizard, or Warlock?
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Trelaine, Q, The Traveler, Nagilum, The Muse, or the Red Angel?
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Amazon, Barbarian, Sorceress, Paladin, Druid, Assassin, or Necromancer?
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Pip, Lil, Otto, Anna, Bob, mom, or race car?
Dear Obergoatenfuhrer,
I am a prominent Pentecostal, and it distresses me to report that my wife and I are in disagreement, despite her obligation to be meek & submissive. I think that 'King James Only' means that the King James translation of the Holy Bible is the only divinely inspired version of the text, whereas she thinks it means that true believers are only allowed to have intimate relations with the first Stuart monarch of Great Britain, and is using this as an excuse to deny me her favours.
Please help.
Yours in Holiness,
Rev. Perscue Z. Tootlewang,
First Primitive Bible Tabernacle of the Living God,
Flat Grits,
Alabama,
USA
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
SUPER-BONUS ROUND!!!:
Oh! I hope that there are fabulous prizes!
-Kirk, or Picard?
Kirk. Can you imagine the overacting he would perform in response to my ministrations? Glorious.
-Bert, or Ernie?
I'd like to try to get Bert to come out of his shell. To see if I can get him to like something besides paperclips, oatmeal, and pigeons.
-Jay, or Silent Bob?
I would love to hear the surprise soliloquy Tons of Fun provides before I begin.
-Lucy and Ethel, or Ricky and Fred?
Lucille was quite the beauty in her day, so the answer is obviously Fred. Those high-waisted pants... RrrOWR!
-Scylla, or Charybdis?
I'd like to see if Charybdis can swallow my trireme.
-Gumby, or Pokey?
The name "Pokey" is to obvious to pass up. I am not proud, but there it is.
-Walrus, or Carpenter?
That glop I've been feeding the walrus every day is walrus meat. He's a cannibal!
-Sonic, or Knuckles?
Forcing a complete set of billiard balls into someone can cause tearing of the colon, and that's NO GOOD.
-Vinnie, or Dot Matrix?
Dot has an exhaust port that don't quit.
-Cold Miser, or Heat Miser?
I'm Mr. Large Member
I'm Mr. Swole
I'm Mr. Deep In-Yez
I'm Mr. Engorged Pole
-Abercrombie, or Fitch?
The American Eagle.
-Ben, or Jerry?
Ben Stein, then "The King" Jerry Lawler
-Charles, or David?*
Whichever gets me more of those delightful heels, sweetie.
-Rabbit Season, or Duck Season?
Elmer Season
-Sheltem, or Corak?*
I would find the Yellow Champion for HoM&M II and I would do things to him...
-Tom, Dick, or Harry?
Well, if you knew anything about Tom's dick...
-Mephisto, Diablo, or Bhaal?
Mephisto. After, we could trade notes about corrupting priests.
-Dewey, Cheatem, or Howe?
All three, and then I would call Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, and Dr, Howard to salvage what was left.
Let's see you try to litigate this.
-Scarecrow, Tin Man, or Lion?
I would simply follow the Lion around a doorless room at a measured pace until he exhausted himself and, weeping, submitted.
-Quark, Odo, or Morn?
Who could resist the raw animal magnetism that Morn projects?
He'd probably teach me a thing to two. I glisten just thinking about it.
-Clothos, Lachesis, or Atropos?
Well, since they are the three-in-one, to take one would be to take them all.
-AT&T, MCI, or Sprint?
F##+ AT&T.
-Zealot of Whiteshield, Tumult of Bloodreign, or Malefactor of Dragontooth?*
Oh that depends on the day! I don't like to limit myself.
-the one who brought gold, the one who brought frankincense, or the one who brought myrrh?
Bringing Myrrh to a baby shower? Dark. That's a fellow I could get down with.
-Roosevelt, Churchill, or Stalin?
Teddy Roosevelt, absolutely, but since you are no doubt talking about "The Yalta Trifecta" as I called them, F@&& Churchill (he went to British private school, so he's used to it) Marry Stalin (and I would take advantage of my "marital rights" as often as possible. Again, I -do- like a nice mustache), kill Roosevelt, because I can't abide indolent aristocrats. I'd just take a couple weeks and get it over with quickly.
-Plato, Socrates, or Aristotle?
Ideally, Socrates. Actually, Aristotle.
-Bobbin Threadbare, Rusty Nailbender, or Fleece Firmflanks?*
Fleece. I'd impress more than her border guards with my "display of magic power".
-Crow, Tom Servo, or Gypsy?
Have you seen Cambot's shows on Tumblr? Hotchie-Motchie!
-Tinker, tailor, soldier, or spy?
Yes.
-Tinky-Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy, or Po?
Where do you think Tubby custard comes from?
That sun-baby has seen some s++!, my friend...
-The one on the white horse with a bow, The one on the red horse with a sword, The one on the black horse with a scale-set, or The one on the greenish horse with a whole buncha scary s!$+?
Oh my! THAT was a crazy Labor Day weekend!
-Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, or Ma-Ti?
I would bellow "HEART!" at the top of my voice at the... decisive moment.
Then, with their powers combined, I would "pollute" Captain Planet.
-John, Mark, Luke, Matthew, or Judas?
Luke. We did his own thing.
-Uhura, Troi, Kira, 7/9, or Stamets?
While I likes me an albino from time to time, and Kira in her prime was -quite- a delicious bit of sweetbread, I would have to go with Uhura. Counselor Cleavage and 44/D never did anything for me.
You forgot T'Pol.
-Green, White, Blue, Black, or Red?
I would roll Black/Green, with a few multicolored lands and an odd creature from the other three for some variety.
I enjoy the combination of life and corruption, or growth and death.
-Ms. Peacock, Col. Mustard, Mrs. White, Rev. Green, Miss Scarlet, or Prof. Plum?
Col. Mustard, in the Drawing Room, with a candlestick, livestreamed on the Weather Channel website.
-Knight, Barbarian, Sorceress, Necromancer, Wizard, or Warlock?
Wizard needs food, badly.
-Trelaine, Q, The Traveler, Nagilum, The Muse, or the Red Angel?
Q is the obvious choice, but you know who I always liked? Q.
Mmm...
There's something to be said for always appearing directly behind the Traveler, no matter how far or fast he flees...
-Amazon, Barbarian, Sorceress, Paladin, Druid, Assassin, or Necromancer?
"Hello, miss. I'm known for tossing my magic javelin as well... Care to come over to my place for an experience that will haunt you to the grave, beyond, and into the next iteration of the universe?? Wait, before you answer..."
:minion knocks her over the head with a brick:
-Pip, Lil, Otto, Anna, Bob, mom, or race car?
"A man, a plan, a canal - Panama!"
I'm telling you, once you've had Teddy Roosevelt :bites lip:
I hope this was helpful. Still waiting on those recordings.
California Uber Alles!
Uncle GoatToucher
*I had to look it up
Dear Obergoatenfuhrer,
I am a prominent Pentecostal, and it distresses me to report that my wife and I are in disagreement, despite her obligation to be meek & submissive. I think that 'King James Only' means that the King James translation of the Holy Bible is the only divinely inspired version of the text, whereas she thinks it means that true believers are only allowed to have intimate relations with the first Stuart monarch of Great Britain, and is using this as an excuse to deny me her favours.
Please help.
Yours in Holiness,
Rev. Perscue Z. Tootlewang,
First Primitive Bible Tabernacle of the Living God,
Flat Grits,
Alabama,
USA
Reverend,
You are a plugged anus, and deserve nothing more or less than things that plug -your- anus for maximum discomfort. It is my sincere hope that your wife comes to her senses and castrates you in your sleep before setting you on fire and absconding with all your wealth and your pool boy, Enrique, who never fails to bring her to climax.
I hope this was helpful. No charge.
In nomine patri.
Uncle GoatToucher
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-Frank, or Ernest?
Frank. I can't abide a scraggly mustache.
I believe you've got the two mixed up.
For likely saving YOU from who-knows-what kind of intolerably scraggly future goings-on, I consider my current debt repaid.
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Dear Toucher of goats, once again I am perplexed by two predicaments and thus, I need your help.
First predicament: I intend to make an adventure using the Carnival Troupe as the main focus for the players and I want the carnival to be based on the one from the old arcade game "CarnEvil" (however, I'm thinking about not including Rickety Town -with the Haunted House also being a stretch- as I intend to have a menagerie instead), I will even have a beheaded dressed as a jester called "Tualmu". But I am really struggling what to include in each area (I'm going to use all of the characters from the Carnival Troupe section of the Villain's Codex at least), I just need a some more attractions for each section. What is your recommendations?
Second predicament: for laughs more than anything, I am trying to come up with a fanmade House of the Dead game (in paper format only - just writing and a few illustrations - thank goodness) but the level system has become an issue. I want the last boss to be Devil (the only tarot card not yet used by the series) but I am stuck on deciding whether the experience should be completely linear or should it have a multiple route system? And what should the boss order be?
Kindest and most unholy regards,
He who traveled back in time to turn Shakira into a vampire (because those Hips don't lie!)
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Dear Possible-Honored-Cousin-π-Removed GoatToucher,
I am...ah, having such an inordinate degree of difficulty (yesss) with a particular clue in a crossword puzzle, it, ah, evades even my superlative intellect, a-ha-ha! and I simply know not else where to *tic* turn. The clue, to which the corresponding proper answer is precisely 18 letters long (spaces and punctuation are entirely null for purposes of these puzzles, just to be clear), is:
"First make haste, and drop the 'E', join with ashes' final resting place where 'N' is null, say only then what you get, iterate three, speak that aloud, and there HE'LL be."
Be certain *hrk* to *titter* say it aloud, would you my good man? Just to be certain....
Yours in Damnation, Salvation, Beatification, and Perdition,
A Connoisseur of the Great Old Ultra-Violence
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Dear Toucher of goats, once again I am perplexed by two predicaments and thus, I need your help.
First predicament: I intend to make an adventure using the Carnival Troupe as the main focus for the players and I want the carnival to be based on the one from the old arcade game "CarnEvil" (however, I'm thinking about not including Rickety Town -with the Haunted House also being a stretch- as I intend to have a menagerie instead), I will even have a beheaded dressed as a jester called "Tualmu". But I am really struggling what to include in each area (I'm going to use all of the characters from the Carnival Troupe section of the Villain's Codex at least), I just need a some more attractions for each section. What is your recommendations?
A Rubber Man who stretches his skin until he tears huge strips of it off, laughing through his lipless rictus all the while.
A Strong Man who performs such feats as tearing a grown man in half (against his will)(lengthwise), pulling the skeleton out of a gorilla in one go, and lifting up two 50 gallon tanks containing nutrient fluid sustaining disembodied brains and eyes, which are hooked up to voice boxes that scream metallicaly whenever they are reminded that they are not yet dead.
A geek that bites the heads of puppies, octopi, and a horse.
A pair of conjoined twins who are just two townsfolk polymorphed into one misshapen body that weeps in two voices.
At the end of each show, all the participants are healed and reminded that it will all begin again in fifteen minutes.
Second predicament: for laughs more than anything, I am trying to come up with a fanmade House of the Dead game (in paper format only - just writing and a few illustrations - thank goodness) but the level system has become an issue. I want the last boss to be Devil (the only tarot card not yet used by the series) but I am stuck on deciding whether the experience should be completely linear or should it have a multiple route system? And what should the boss order be?
Kindest and most unholy regards,
He who traveled back in time to turn Shakira into a vampire (because those Hips don't lie!)
Three paths,
1: Fast zombies that resemble schoolmates/siblings that bullied the players when they were in primary school, complete with historically accurate insults and reminders of humiliating events.
2: Vampire bats that bear the faces of dead childhood pets.
3: Slow zombies that resemble the player's father in states of undress that the players had the misfortune to glimpse throughout their lives ("jiggle physics" will be crucial for this).
The final boss is a giant witch with the huge, melting face of the players mother. She tears out her own ribs and throws them at the players, screaming, weeping, and begging the players to save her from torment as she does so. As the battle wears on, she reminds the player of difficult times that she tried to help them through in order to entice them to stop shooting her.
When destroyed, she dissolves, her last words being a mournful "Why wouldn't you help me...?" repeated for twenty minutes.
The appeal here is that each play through is a unique experience for each player. They are not allowed to stop playing until the game is complete (though there will be... consequences... if their character dies), and their mother's remains will be returned to them once the game is complete.
I hope this is helpful. As payment, you must be the sole beta-tester of this game throughout it's development. You have six months until launch.
Mekka-Lekka-Hi, Mekka-Hiney-Ho!
Uncle GoatToucher
Dear Possible-Honored-Cousin-π-Removed GoatToucher,
I am...ah, having such an inordinate degree of difficulty (yesss) with a particular clue in a crossword puzzle, it, ah, evades even my superlative intellect, a-ha-ha! and I simply know not else where to *tic* turn. The clue, to which the corresponding proper answer is precisely 18 letters long (spaces and punctuation are entirely null for purposes of these puzzles, just to be clear), is:
"First make haste, and drop the 'E', join with ashes' final resting place where 'N' is null, say only then what you get, iterate three, speak that aloud, and there HE'LL be."
Be certain *hrk* to *titter* say it aloud, would you my good man? Just to be certain....
Yours in Damnation, Salvation, Beatification, and Perdition,
A Connoisseur of the Great Old Ultra-Violence
:resting on gilded lounge:
"Iterate three..." Adorable.
Oh, Hastur!
:the unholy form of the elder demon begins as an explosion of blood and viscera squeezed into reality through a pinprick, ultimately resolving into a twenty foot tall squamous, winged horror:
:he wears a white collar and black bow tie, and has a small white cloth folded over his extended forearm:
:looks at GT expectantly:
A glass of the good brandy, if you please, and... something -young- to eat.
:the Beast nods and disapparates the same way he entered:
I'll tell you one thing for free: If I have to call him -three times-... Well, "Hell to pay" is a cliche', but...
I hope this was helpful. As payment, my valet will visit your chamber tonight to relieve some pent-up energy. I would do some stretches.
Stranger, after aeons, even death may die!
Uncle GoatToucher
Oh. that's a horse of another color.
I would eat one, excrete him directly into the other, resurrect the first within the bowels of the second, and then repeat the process, starting with the second brother this time... And so on until it failed to amuse me.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
You may wish to share viscerally in some details of my recent feeding. While such a tale would be best woven over a glass of the finest red, amid the sundry noises of our subjects, one question arose that begs your consideration. I've sent a servant to give you a summary of the consumption. After a review, if I could have your opinion?
While savoring the amuse-bouche, a fear most palpable tickled my tastebuds, yet the source is elusive.
Would the victim in question have been affected by a proximate rectangular galaxy exerting dark matter-like influence? The subject's latent self-loathing surging in a sudden realization of impending justice? Excessive gas? Or something mundane, like parking in a red zone?
I aim to recreate the flavor; your correspondence is most valued.
Justice, as we know, is a fiction told to abate fear and/or guilt. Personally, I find self-delusion to be the finest of delicacies, if only for the indescribable flavor of the bubble bursting as reality sets in, like a ripe berry in your mouth.
Hope is delicious, but the loss of hope? Exquisite.
I like, sometimes, to create the illusion that rescue is possible, and that I will be punished for what I have done to them. Their realization that neither rescue nor reciprocity will be forthcoming is a feast for the senses.
I recommend the following: Arrange an escape. Prey upon your friend for a few days or weeks, and then, in your absence, have the agony of anticipation interrupted by a band of erstwhile "heroes" (hired by you) to save them. The flight should be fraught with peril: a roller coaster ride of emotions, until, finally the heroes return to their lair with your friend.
Only to find you waiting.
The heroes are then swiftly dispatched, and your friend is told that, due to their disobedience at allowing themselves to be rescued, future encounters will be exponentially more vigorous. Their emotions in that moment are intoxicating.
There is no cost for this advice. Consider it a professional courtesy.
Now you're messing with a... SON OF A B$&%!!
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Verncle GoatToucher,
I'm holding a seance - a bit more than that, actually - to bring back the inimitable Jim Varney. Not only was he actually a sorely underrated actor who we lost far too soon, but a bit of further Research (with a capital-R, a la TORG) has revealed that he was/is, in fact, an indispensable figure in a great an ancient prophecy - not exactly 'The Piper' from "Stairway to Heaven", but you can see it from there, that kind of thing - which may explain why his untimely death syncs up so well with the approximate time the world really and truly started going to hell in a handbasket.
My question to you, then, is what implements, offerings, gizmos, goodies, gewgaws, and groupies should I utilize in the rite to bring back this singular man?
For Be Or For Not To Be,
A Friend of Darkness's
P.S.: Mickey, or Donald? Cheech, or Chong? Brad, or Janet?
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Outgoing transmission to designated recipient "Uncle GoatToucher".
We are new to this sector of the multiverse and do not yet have a full understanding of map layout as of the time this transmission has been sent to you. So far, our enterprise has located all nearby Dwarven Asteroid Mining Operation Companies and (via an extensive "business development", space dwarves - or as we call them "squats" - are not the best at diplomatic relations) taken over the facilities from the previous owners. Is there any other colonies we can "form trade agreements with" and what of planets to set up operations on? Is there any particular mineral that once mined is worth a lot of money?
We eagerly await your response.
Ryth'Klik, GeneStealer Patriarch and CEO of the GeneStealer Mining Corporation.
Dear Verncle GoatToucher,
I'm holding a seance - a bit more than that, actually - to bring back the inimitable Jim Varney. Not only was he actually a sorely underrated actor who we lost far too soon, but a bit of further Research (with a capital-R, a la TORG) has revealed that he was/is, in fact, an indispensable figure in a great an ancient prophecy - not exactly 'The Piper' from "Stairway to Heaven", but you can see it from there, that kind of thing - which may explain why his untimely death syncs up so well with the approximate time the world really and truly started going to hell in a handbasket.
My question to you, then, is what implements, offerings, gizmos, goodies, gewgaws, and groupies should I utilize in the rite to bring back this singular man?
For Be Or For Not To Be,
A Friend of Darkness's
You must find one of each product that Mssr. Varney advertised in his "Ernest" persona, place it within the circle, and then recite the recipe to Eggs Erroneous. That and an odd soul or organ should seal the compact.
As payment, upon his return, you will produce the final film of the series: The Importance of Being Ernest and present it to me at a private screening.
Take it easy.
Uncle GoatToucher
P.S.: Mickey, or Donald? Cheech, or Chong? Brad, or Janet?
Mickey. Donald is an absolute prick, and not in an amusing way like his counterpart Daffy.
Cheech or Chong... That is tough. The former made a series of amusing films in the nineties, and had to tolerate Don Johnson for some years. The latter is a master of self parody.
I'll have to go with the star of "Shrimp on the Barbie".
I always felt sympathy for Brad. Never invited to the cool parties because his heterosexuality meant that he was not an object of sexual conquest for homo/bisexual men at the party, and his square-jawed good looks meant he was competition for the women in attendance.
But Janet was played by Susan Sarandon, so I'll definitely have to go with her.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
First of all...soooo, how was David?
SECOND OF ALL!:
Geb, or Nut?
Nicholas II, or George III?
Thing Addams, or a South American bird-eating spider?
Tony the Tiger, or Cap'n Crunch?
Joe Arpaio, or Dennis Hastert "The Unspeakerable"?
The Gingerbread Man, or The Muffin Man?
Pick 2: Erdogan, Modi, Duterte, and/or Bolsanaro?
Marx, or Engels?
Ren, or Stimpy?
A random assortment of numerous: R. Crumb characters, or Gahan Wilson characters?
Shaka Zulu, or Moctezuma II?
Tamerlane, or Edward "Blackbeard" Teach?
Mike, or Ike?
Jason's T. Rex, Trini's Smilodon, Zack's Mastodon, Kimberly's Pterodactyl, or Billy's Tricerotops?
The March Hare, or the Mad Hatter?
Mr. Clean, or Mr. Bubble?
The Trix Rabbit, or the Noid?
The Joker, or Carnage?
La Llorona, or The Corpse Bride?
Lister, or the Cat?
The Martians (both of them at once), or the Two-Headed Monster?
Behemoth, Leviathan, or Ziz?
An SCV, a Drone, or a Probe?
2 Firebats, 4 Zerglings, or 1 Dragoon?
A Science Vessel, a Queen, or a Dark Archon?
Pick 2: Huitzilopochtli, Tezcatlipoca, Camazotz, Tlaloc, or Ah Puch?
Pick 3!: Warrior, Archer, Wizard, Valkyrie, Dwarf, Knight, Sorceress, and/or Jester?
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
Why?
Oh, I think you know.
And aren't you ashamed?
HLORGLORGLORGLORGL!
Uncle GoatToucher
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
First of all...soooo, how was David?
Attenborough? Delicious.
SECOND OF ALL!:
Geb, or Nut?
Geb. His serpent was lovely.
Nicholas II, or George III?
The Czar, only because the "madness" of King George is apocryphal: established by his political enemies.
Thing Addams, or a South American bird-eating spider?
I have seen Thing eat a Corgi whole, so he is far more entertaining.
That said, a Bird Eating Spider landing on a man's shoulder has caused many a soiled pant.
I'll have to go with Thing, in exchange for "services rendered".
Tony the Tiger, or Cap'n Crunch?
I love a military man, but that rich bass is irresistible.
Joe Arpaio, or Dennis Hastert "The Unspeakerable"?
Sadly, Arpaio. I have a special room for those who trouble the innocent.
The Gingerbread Man, or The Muffin Man?
While I enjoy the comedy stylings of the gingerbread man, I have known the muffin man (as well as his wife).
Oh, the memories on Drury Lane...
Pick 2: Erdogan, Modi, Duterte, and/or Bolsanaro?
Duerte. Oh all of the insane and somehow democratically elected maniacs, he is the most bonkers.
And he was -genuinely- elected. None of that "rival disappears" or "one candidate ballot" business.
Marx, or Engels?
Marx, because he not only had a few good ideas, but the fact that those ideas were misinterpreted and perverted into one of the most atrocious regimes the world has ever seen. The Irony is so thick you can cut it with a bread knife.
Ren, or Stimpy?
Ren's cornering of the rubber nipple market makes him an invaluable business connection.
A random assortment of numerous: R. Crumb characters, or Gahan Wilson characters?
Oh, Gahan Wilson, hands down.
Crumb fell victim to being acknowledged as a genius in his own time: his later work is self indulgent, and not nearly to subversive and important as his early works.
Gahan Wilson is what Charles Addams would have been, had he been working two decades later. Some genuinely unwholesome moments, there.
Shaka Zulu, or Moctezuma II?
"Up with the shield, into the heart." is good advice.
Tamerlane, or Edward "Blackbeard" Teach?
Teeheehee.... "Spotswood"!
Mike, or Ike?
The Ikes are delicious, but the Mikes are crafted from pure human feces, and not in a good way.
Jason's T. Rex, Trini's Smilodon, Zack's Mastodon, Kimberly's Pterodactyl, or Billy's Tricerotops?
Always choose the mammal among reptiles.
The March Hare, or the Mad Hatter?
The Hatter, surely. He was both a clown of his own accord and straight man to the less funny Hare.
Mr. Clean, or Mr. Bubble?
Mr. Clean developed his compulsive need for cleanliness (up to and including shaving his head and all his body hair daily) after a month in the Workroom. I'll leave it to your imagination as to what happened.
The Trix Rabbit, or the Noid?
The still conscious nervous system of the Noid is in a tank in my conservatory. Every time I turn on his vocalizer, he is still screaming. I admire that.
The Joker, or Carnage?
Carnage is the most 90's comic entity to ever 90 the90's. All he needs is a dozen pouches and a katana. I hate him so.
"Murderous" is not a personality.
The Joker simply benefits from the obscene amount of plot armor shared by all occupants of the Bat-mythos. None will ever die. None will ever change.
La Llorona, or The Corpse Bride?
A figure crafted in the likeness of one Burton paramour and voiced by her replacement? Devilish.
Lister, or the Cat?
The Cat. I generally prefer character roles to leads. they are not burdened with being likable or relatable, so they are free to be themselves.
The Martians (both of them at once), or the Two-Headed Monster?
The Martians, though one note, are amusing, and so they were used sparingly.
The two headed monster was just two monsters arguing in gibberish. Not very interesting.
Behemoth, Leviathan, or Ziz?
Simurgh.
An SCV, a Drone, or a Probe?
I think you know of my affection for probes.
2 Firebats, 4 Zerglings, or 1 Dragoon?
From 4 Zerglings come 8, from 8 come 16, from 16, 32. Soon after, you have a party you can share with the whole village.
A Science Vessel, a Queen, or a Dark Archon?
For around the house? A Dark Archon. With all those mental powers, they think they can resist, but they are, or course, mistaken.
Pick 2: Huitzilopochtli, Tezcatlipoca, Camazotz, Tlaloc, or Ah Puch?
Everything I do creates conflict to evoke change, so Tezcatlipoca is where it's at.
Pick 3!: Warrior, Archer, Wizard, Valkyrie, Dwarf, Knight, Sorceress, and/or Jester?
Warrior needs food, badly, but I never give it to him. He lives in the shadow of death, longing for it, begging for it like an almost forgotten lover, but he is denied, and lives on.
Drat. Now I have an erection.
Glad I can help. En exchange for this, I would like to know what it is you love most in the universe.
Love, peace, and hair grease,
Uncle GoatToucher
Dear uncle Goattoucher,
Why does some clown keep hiding in me?!
Yours sincerely,
The single most greatest thing in the known universe.
Precisely because it makes you uncomfortable, which you should get over, honestly. Having someone inside you can be quite delightful.
Just lie back and accept it, and you will come to enjoy it.
Let me tell 'bout the way she looked,
the way she acted,
the color of her hair...
Uncle GoatToucher
Dear Uncle Goattoucher,
Lacking in gray matter, subsisting on dark matter, I ask you this: What happens when you combine matter with anti-matter? Ah forget it, it doesn't matter.
You are more correct than you know.
Uncle GoatToucher
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Jambi, clean this notebook off for me.
:Jambi does so and returns:
Let me see... :dons tiny gilt pince-nez, peers at page:
From the unspeakable, forsaken bowels under the Earth's crust comes an ominous rumbling, followed by a fart-like release of pressure, then it forms itself into words.
"Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of *DELETED* ?"
My goodness, darling, that depends entirely on the tongue, the licked, and the one doing the licking.
:sips liqueur:
Though it's never taken me more than four. :raps open fan, titters behind it:
Yours impishly,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
Please come back to us, for we all miss you, just not your methods...
I beg thee to let us know why you are not as present on this or on other threads.
Yours sincerely,
Weeping blood for tears.
P.S. Squats are coming back after all! :-)
:dips quill in ink and writes a reply in flowing cursive:
Far be it from me to dampen anyone's good time, but a host of erstwhile malcontents whose every move has been tempered by the looming hand of a billion dollar children's media operation? I'm afraid I can't muster even a whiff of interest.
Why, I'd wager there is nary an baby eater among them, and one of them is a lion: a species that regularly eats the young of their defeated enemies.
A comedy of errors with delusions of malevolence.
Yours,
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
Thank you for the reply, your cursive writing is beautiful as ever. In regards to your answer, I feel that it is only fair to inform you about both the Disney Villain Council and Organisation XIII breaking free from the chains that had previously bound them (one such an example is Judge Claude Frollo, he no longer holds discriminatory views - he will invoke harsh judgement on everyone - and he willingly uses magic actively). Also, both groups eagerly seek your council/approval as they have been attending your experiments (learning a great many things from you) and are producing - on mass - various kinds of GoatToucher brand products. In any case, no thread is the same without you.
Hope you are keeping well, and please do tell me what you think about the squats (now officially known as the League of Votann) returning? I personally am very delighted! :-)
May touch all you please, yours sincerely,
Still weeping blood.
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
If you're back, and I'm back, then that must mean so is THE BUFFET LINE! Of course, you can't have it all, so you'll have to choose:
Ed Gruberman, or The Rock-N-Roll Doctor?
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(an anthropomorphized specimen of) Parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme?
-
Abbot, or Costello?
-
Tom, or Jerry?
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The Caveman, The Gecko, or The Googly-Eyed Stack of Money You Could've Saved?
-
Erin ESurance, or Samsung Sam?
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a stick of Whizzo-brand butter, or a dead crab?
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Lord Bravery, or The Huntsman?
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Castor, or Pollux?
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(You knew this was coming) Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, or Pinky Pie?
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Laka, or Kapo?
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Popeye, or Bluto?
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Bob, or Larry?
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Godzilla, or Mechagodzilla?
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Hedorah, or Biollante?
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Prof. Bobo, or Observer?
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(just to get it out of the way, really) Mario, or Luigi? What if I threw in their respective "Wa-"ppelganger for good measure?
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Yoshimitsu, or Zasalamel?
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Annah, or Fall-From-Grace?
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Montaron, or Xzar?
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Lon "1000 Faces" Chaney, or Mel "1000 Voices" Blanc?
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Burke, or Hare?
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American Maid, or Cobra-Queen?
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Rubik's Cube, or Electronic Simon!?
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Kokopelli, or Veles?
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The Vincent Price in Jackson's "Thriller" video, or the Vincent Price in Cooper's "Black Widow" video, or the Vincent Price from Burton's 1982 Vincent short?
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a stick of Whizzo-brand butter, or a live crab?
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Disraeli, or Gladstone?
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The stripper from The Great Mouse Detective, or the singing-telegram girl from Clue?
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A giant centipede-spirit with the face of Rollie Fingers, or a giant owl-spirit with the face of Gene Shalit?
-
AAAAANNNNDD....
...Universal Classic DOUBLE-FEATURE! Lucky you, take 2!: Dracula, Wolf-Man, Mummy, Lagoon-Creature, Invisible Man and/or Frankenmonster?
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
If you're back, and I'm back, then that must mean so is THE BUFFET LINE! Of course, you can't have it all, so you'll have to choose:
-Ed Gruberman, or The Rock-N-Roll Doctor?
Mr. Gruberman of course, if only to have Jambi deliver him a
-(an anthropomorphized specimen of) Parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme?
Well, you know what they say: Thyme waits for no man! :titters at length:
But seriously: rosemary.
-Abbot, or Costello?
Lou Costello told everyone who would listen that Bud Abbot was the heart of the act, because the work of the Straight Man was thankless, but required more skill than that of the clown.
-Tom, or Jerry?
Tom was just trying to earn his keep by performing the one function required of him by his masters, while Jerry was, quite literally, Vermin: taking from the house while offering nothing, and spreading disease with his urine and -not- in a sexy way!
Outrageous.
- The Caveman, The Gecko, or The Googly-Eyed Stack of Money You Could've Saved?
Well, I have many an anthropoid of varied stages of development in the workroom, but the noises made by a tiny sentient corporate spokesperson when you pop them in your mouth and begin chewing simply never gets old.
Money? Feh. :makes brushing away gesture:
-Erin ESurance, or Samsung Sam?
O! The music I would make with that fuschia-haired mynx!
:muses: Would her insurance cover what is left of her, I wonder? Perhaps with a tarp, if nothing else.
-a stick of Whizzo-brand butter, or a dead crab?
Goodness a dead crab! A million household uses, as they say.
- Lord Bravery, or The Huntsman?
The Huntsman's desire for heroics being constantly stymied by a peaceful city was surely driving him slowly mad. Imagine: you want to prove your worth, but that means wishing disaster upon innocents. You reject those thoughts, but they encroach upon you, day after day, until finally...
-Castor, or Pollux?
The former would be forced to eat the latter, only for the latter, immortal, to burst forth! Would he reemerge from his mortal brother's innards, killing him, or would he reconstitute after being digested and expelled, waking, terrified in the midden-heap?
All while Zeus watches on, not daring to intercede, for fear of my laying hold of him...
-(You knew this was coming) Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, or Pinky Pie?
Pinkie-Pie is a delight and "Smile, Smile, Smile!" is the best song from that program.
-Laka, or Kapo?
The truth, dear jester, is that Kapo-ʻula-kīnaʻu is a composite entity of both.
Ask her about her... interesting anatomical ability.
-Popeye, or Bluto?
Together, they would fight, day in, day out, in the arena. Neither being allowed to kill or die, but both praying for death: either for themselves or the other, just so the relentless fight: the eternal rain of blows, will finally stop.
Their prayers, of course, will not be answered.
-Bob, or Larry?
I prefer Larry's other brother Darryl.
-Godzilla, or Mechagodzilla?
While I have a great deal of respect for the King of All Monsters, I much prefer Gamora: Friend to All Children.
-Hedorah, or Biollante?
A: I am a sucker for flowers.
B: One imagines that Erika Shiragami is conscious within the monstrous kaiju, silently screaming at her fate, though none can hear her but the trees.
And the trees care not.
-Prof. Bobo, or Observer?
A talking monkey is comedy gold. I don't make the rules.
-(just to get it out of the way, really) Mario, or Luigi? What if I threw in their respective "Wa-"ppelganger for good measure?
I would offer Luigi wealth, power, and acclaim, but only after he surreptitiously kills his brother, taking his place as the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom
I am curious as to how long it will take for him to agree. It will allow me to gauge exactly how much he resents Mario.
I would likely revive Mario after a few months of Luigi living the high life, forcing Luigi to kill him a second time to keep his terrible secret.
But this time, he would do it of his own volition.
-Yoshimitsu, or Zasalamel?
Jambi, yawn in an elaborate and dismissive manner for me. I can't be bothered.
:Jambi does so:
-Annah, or Fall-From-Grace?
Winsome demonic temptresses? Six of one...
-Montaron, or Xzar?
Boo has slain them both, and far be it from me to stand in the way of that August entity.
- Lon "1000 Faces" Chaney, or Mel "1000 Voices" Blanc?
June "Mel Blanc is the male June Foray" Foray
- Burke, or Hare?
Prof. Monro, of course.
- American Maid, or Cobra-Queen?
Carmelita Vatos
- Rubik's Cube, or Electronic Simon!?
Goodness, how I would work myself into a frenzy playing Simon. I am convinced that it got to a point where it was physically impossible to keep up.
-Kokopelli, or Veles?
I had it out with Kokopelli once. I flung him to the ground with some force. I can never remember where that was, though...
-The Vincent Price in Jackson's "Thriller" video, or the Vincent Price in Cooper's "Black Widow" video, or the Vincent Price from Burton's 1982 Vincent short?
Orson Welles in Manowar's "Defender"
-a stick of Whizzo-brand butter, or a live crab?
Still the crab.
-Disraeli, or Gladstone?
Cast into the pit with the other despoiling bureaucrats. The suffering they caused! That I could respect, but for the sake of money?!?
Abominable.
- The stripper from The Great Mouse Detective, or the singing-telegram girl from Clue?
Jane Wiedlin
-A giant centipede-spirit with the face of Rollie Fingers, or a giant owl-spirit with the face of Gene Shalit?
If the Owl has the voice and avuncular demeanor of Shalit? No contest.
-AAAAANNNNDD....
...Universal Classic DOUBLE-FEATURE! Lucky you, take 2!: Dracula, Wolf-Man, Mummy, Lagoon-Creature, Invisible Man and/or Frankenmonster?
Frankenmonster, only for the amusement of trotting him out when I have Adam over for tea.
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Ask her about her... interesting anatomical ability.
Believe me, I've heard; Hers is one of the few Closets to which I actually bring a tent.
If the Owl has the voice and avuncular demeanor of Shalit? No contest.
What about if not? I had considered stipulating that; no, just the faces. Possibly some shred of their respective skills, but their personalities are about what you'd expect from their monstrous bodies.
Frankenmonster, only for the amusement of trotting him out when I have Adam over for tea.
For that one, you specifically get 2.
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Maleficent: Dear, Uncle GoatToucher, please inform us of your welfare and indulge us.
Gaston: By "indulge us", we mean please hear out our request.
Lady Tremaine: As you may be aware, we have recently finished our current tasks.
Dr Facilier: Now, we are recreating our old worlds, with some editing of course.
Ursula: So, we are curious as to how you would go about this and your recommendations.
Jafar: Please let us know as soon as you can, as we are starting preparations soon.
Yours Sincerely,
Those who are now truly one with the true darkness.
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:resting on chez-lounge, sipping tea and reading from a small book:
:sighs, sets tea and book down on a platter borne by Jambi, and removes spectacles:
Assorted Disney Villains,
This obsequiousness is unseemly, and I have indulged it long enough.
Do what pleases you and corresponds to your individual idiom, theme, or milieu. You are each (to various degrees of stylishness and quality) iconic in your own right. Do what you do. If it entertains me, delightful. If it does not, I will visit my ministrations upon you in such a way as to entertain myself. Either way, it will be more pleasing to me than :gestures vaguely at the assembled: this.
This is, in the end, the one thing Mr. Crowley had right.
:dons glasses, takes up tea and book once more:
Hope this helps. :waves you away: Ta!
Uncle GoatToucher
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
How come no-one pays any attention to me, even though I commit awful atrocities?
Yours sincerely,
The dastardly rascal that keeps cutting your electricity.
Well, first and foremost, all of my facilities run on a mixture of despair, shame, and revulsion. We only use the electric for the night watchman's little television.
If you are interested in standing out, I recommend developing an original theme and pursuing it to it's logical end.
Yours in benign depravity,
Uncle GoatToucher.
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Well, first and foremost, all of my facilities run on a mixture of despair, shame, and revulsion. We only use the electric for the night watchman's little television.
Right, I think I get it now... Let me try something.
*Successfully replaces the mixture of despair, shame and revulsion with a mixture of hope, pride and attraction. The result causes all of GoatToucher's facilities to shut down. Still cuts the electricity.*
That should do the trick, what do think GoatToucher, impressive or really amateur?
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*GoatToucher receives a letter, evil permeating throughout the paper envelope (though still pales in comparison to the aura of darkness that GoatToucher himself gives off).*
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
We have recently been reading your latest written masterpiece: The Complete AO3 Erotica, and have found it to be a most thrilling read. The way you describe each experience that a person has when subjected to delights beyond their reckoning and imagination.
As such, we are most curious as to how/what you would recommend for us, should we choose to either participate in these practices or if it would be better to give others that opportunity.
In any case, we hope you will continue with writing more books.
Yours sincerely,
Evil and free of the rules of Disney!
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Well, first and foremost, all of my facilities run on a mixture of despair, shame, and revulsion. We only use the electric for the night watchman's little television.Right, I think I get it now... Let me try something.
*Successfully replaces the mixture of despair, shame and revulsion with a mixture of hope, pride and attraction. The result causes all of GoatToucher's facilities to shut down. Still cuts the electricity.*
That should do the trick, what do think GoatToucher, impressive or really amateur?
:motions to Jambi, who goes to a wall, opens a panel, and flicks a switch, causing GT's operations to adjust to the switch in the polarity of its power source:
You think I do not have contingencies for the power of Love being used against me? Come now. I'd hardly have lasted against the first assault of the Unicorn Brigade... the delicious... delicious Unicorn Brigade.
:sighs:
At any rate: find a -theme-. A gadfly is not a theme: it is just troublesome. Have some flair! Something people can admire even while you trouble them.
Keep trying! We all believe in you!
Uncle GoatToucher
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*GoatToucher receives a letter, evil permeating throughout the paper envelope (though still pales in comparison to the aura of darkness that GoatToucher himself gives off).*
Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
We have recently been reading your latest written masterpiece: The Complete AO3 Erotica, and have found it to be a most thrilling read. The way you describe each experience that a person has when subjected to delights beyond their reckoning and imagination.
As such, we are most curious as to how/what you would recommend for us, should we choose to either participate in these practices or if it would be better to give others that opportunity.
In any case, we hope you will continue with writing more books.
Yours sincerely,
Evil and free of the rules of Disney!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archive_of_Our_Own
Cheers!
Uncle GoatToucher
Jambi, I have darkness all over my fingers. Be a lamb and get me a moist towelette or something, would you?
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
A most interesting project have I to do!: I must reconstitute the souls of 8 20th-Century leaders into colossal dreadnoughts formed (at least 80%, in all cases) from the *8* classical elements as I have come to understand them: Earth, Air, Wood, Metal, Fire, Water, Void, and Spirit/Life/Thought.
I merely seek your consultation on which 8 leaders, each to which dreadnought, and why?
In addition to a basic rationale, a single finite (i.e. 100 years at most) assignment for each would be good as well, though despite having some backing from an ultimate client who shall remain nameless, I am really just doing this for kicks and keks, and I don't care whatever they ultimately run off to do.
L'Chaim!,
I'm STILL In Your Closet
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AM TARDIGRADE! UNCLE GOATTOUCHER ISN'T! HAVE QUESTION:
AM TARDIGRADE! WANT TO TAKE UP HOOKAH-SMOKING!
AM TARDIGRADE! HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING INTO HOOKAH-LIFESTYLE!
HOW TO USE HOOKAH WITH 8 CLAWS?!
HOW TO PUFF ON HOOKAH WITH -AM TARDIGRADE!!!- MOUTHPARTS!?
WHAT SMOKABLES -MINIMUM 3- BEST-RECOMMENDED FOR -AM TARDIGRADE!!!-?!? AM TARDIGRADE! INTERESTED IN LITERALLY ANYTHING -EXCEPT- CANNABIS!!!
AM TARDIGRADE! AM PERPLEXED! WHAT TO DO?!?
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Dear Uncle GoatToucher,
A most interesting project have I to do!: I must reconstitute the souls of 8 20th-Century leaders into colossal dreadnoughts formed (at least 80%, in all cases) from the *8* classical elements as I have come to understand them: Earth, Air, Wood, Metal, Fire, Water, Void, and Spirit/Life/Thought.
I merely seek your consultation on which 8 leaders, each to which dreadnought, and why?
In addition to a basic rationale, a single finite (i.e. 100 years at most) assignment for each would be good as well, though despite having some backing from an ultimate client who shall remain nameless, I am really just doing this for kicks and keks, and I don't care whatever they ultimately run off to do.
L'Chaim!,
I'm STILL In Your Closet
My hidden friend,
In order: Mao, Trump, Thatcher, Stalin (obviously), the little Austrian fellow, Chamberlin, Kim Il Sun, and the 14th Dalai Lama.
Yours, waiting with bated breath,
Uncle GoatToucher