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Who better to solve your personal dilemmas than GoatToucher?

I'll start.

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I am experiencing an unacceptable level of shrinkage and cracking when using Fosberg brand silicone sealant in higher than usual temperatures. What should I do?

Yours,

Embarrased Hairy Thing

Scarab Sages

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

What is the best way to cook (or otherwise prepare), serve, and eat, teeth?

I refer to eating to those of others, of course, not one's own ("YOU NOT FOOD. NEVER EAT YOU." - Bleached Otyugh [PBUH])

Sincerely,

I'm Dining In Your Closet


Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

My family has asked me to start wearing clothes. The thing is, no one in our whole society wears clothes. What am I not understanding?

Warmly,

Green in ALL the places


Pulg wrote:

Who better to solve your personal dilemmas than GoatToucher?

I'll start.

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I am experiencing an unacceptable level of shrinkage and cracking when using Fosberg brand silicone sealant in higher than usual temperatures. What should I do?

Yours,

Embarrased (sic) Hairy Thing

I had a related issue when creating a device to entertain a certain denizen from a lower plane that... well, let's just say that our interests were at cross purposes, and I wanted to impress upon them the importance of my suit.

The heat generated by the inner workings of this individual would put any sealant to the test, and the acidity of their fluids would have been deleterious to say the least, were they allowed to make their way into the mechanical elements of the device. High heat, high pressure, and steady long term use require reliable seals, which are a combination of quality sealant and sound application thereof.

They key is layering. Apply a small amount to fill in any cracks and smooth out any porous surfaces. Then reapply generously in order to seal and adhere the seam in question.

Be sure to trim the excess with a clean putty knife: this produces an aesthetically pleasing seal and prevents excess sealant from dislodging and working it's way into mechanical elements.

Then be sure to put the seam through it's paces in test situations to make sure it will function in practical applications.

I hope this was helpful. Either way, you will one day be called upon to perform a service that is related to this question in a chillingly ironic way. To prepare, I recommend you stretch daily to afford maximum flexibility.

Yours,

Uncle GoatToucher


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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

What is the best way to cook (or otherwise prepare), serve, and eat, teeth?

I refer to eating to those of others, of course, not one's own ("YOU NOT FOOD. NEVER EAT YOU." - Bleached Otyugh [PBUH])

Sincerely,

I'm Dining In Your Closet

My goodness, there are a number of variables to consider here, from the tensile strength of the teeth in question (which varies from creature to creature) to the digestive capacities of your guest. Our friend the Bleached Otyugh find numerous things "GLOFFY" that most digestive tracts could not tolerate, much less dissolve.

Let us assume, for the sake of this discussion, a fairly mundane occurrence: Humans(or approximate) eating the teeth of humans (or approximate).

Now, the easiest way is the tried and true method handed down to us by the Jotun: grinding them for bread flour. As we all know, the texture of tooth bread is a singular experience, but, as pleasant as the tactile element is, the gustatory elements can be a bit bland, even to a cultivated palate.

To overcome this, I recommend folding herbs into the dough before baking: nothing too strong. Tooth bread is meant to be a subtle experience, but something that will add a touch of flavor. Something aromatic like lavender or a touch of saffron.

Ten minutes before the baking is done, take the loaves out and brush the surface with a mixture of melted butter and just a -touch- of brown sugar (I call this "Sweet Tooth" bread, if you'll indulge the pun). Then return the loaves to the oven and allow the butter to seep in and brown the loaf.

As for the butter, use milk from the animal of your choice, but most tend to agree that dairy from a creature kept in a constant state of terror/dread for three to five days before milking is best. Try to achieve this through psychological means, as the chemicals produced by physical pain add an acidity that I personally find less than palatable in this particular recipe.

This bread makes a find accompaniment to rich, gravy heavy foods (it is a Giant recipe, after all), but it can be nicely laid out as light fare for guests with a soft cheese (as with the herbs: not too fragrant) and white wine.

I hope this was helpful. The price you pay for this knowledge will, of course, be terrible beyond your imagining, but the physical component will be not be delivered upon you, but on those you love the best. Suffice it to say that, by the end, all parties involved will view death as a a welcome release.

Toodle-Pip!

Uncle GoatToucher


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JTDV wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

My family has asked me to start wearing clothes. The thing is, no one in our whole society wears clothes. What am I not understanding?

Warmly,

Green in ALL the places

Well, having met you, I think that his issue can be reduced to one of two factors.

The first is that members of your family in particular and race in general are covetous of humanoids' propensity for clothes, but lack the confidence to set a trend by setting themselves apart from the norm. However, they are related to you: known for a bold and forthright personality, and known to be unperturbed by social judgement (being the largest and most powerful member of your race locally, those who call you to task tend to be swiftly devoured alive).

In essence, they are relying on your strength (of character and mandible, in this case) to blaze a proverbial trail that they and others may follow. It is high praise and quite complimentary, in my estimation.

The second, and I consider this rather more likely, is that you are objectively hideous to look at. Now, your instinct might be to set this opinion aside as coming from a humanoid unable to appreciate the finer points of arthropod aesthetics, but I think that I have earned a reputation as one who can... appreciate... the appeal of all variety of forms.

That established, your exoskeleton is smooth where it had ought to be rough and rough where it ought to be smooth. The uniform green you take such pride in, derived as it was by the unwholesome powers that have been infused in your body and soul, thus making you the unrivaled physical force in your community, seems unnatural to the multifaceted eye. The standard of beauty for your race is in the mottling: the colors, shapes and patterns. To this sensibility, your uniform radioactive green is unpleasant in the extreme. Lastly, the oversized mandibles which allow you to utterly dominate all who oppose you, while supremely useful, are abhorrent to those around you. Imagine a human whose teeth and jaw were three times the size the baseline: useful, to be sure, but unappealing.

In short, I think it likely that your family wants you to wear clothes because they find your appearance disturbing at least and more likely revolting.

My recommendation is to take this suggestion by your family to heart as an indication that they do not fear your wrath with adequate intensity. As such, the best course of action would be to either slaughter them wholesale, or slaughter them selectively, beginning with the strongest (to send a message of your dominance) and then continuing with the least useful ("culling the herd", as they say). If you elect the latter, by all means tell the survivors that they were spared only because of their usefulness to you, and that other acts of rebellion are not welcome.

To do otherwise would show weakness to other members of your community, and invite coalitions of the weak to undermine you and subvert your will. This, obviously, cannot stand.

I hope this was helpful. No repayment will be necessary, as the knowledge that you are fully aware that the price you have paid for power means that you will never know love, peace, or any happiness other than the feeling of skulls being crushed between your jaws, and that you will undoubtedly die alone with those that despise you feasting on your sundered carcass is enough for me. The existential dread this will produce is intoxicating, and I may entreat you at a later date for a sample of your fluids in order to distill this misery for my purposes (You will be compensated appropriately, of course).

XOXO,

Uncle GoatToucher

Sovereign Court

Dear uncle GoatToucher,

I actually have two dilemmas. The first being that there's this depraved individual with a most evil dwelling and something he calls his "workroom" I've tried to ignore him, but he is just too powerful, what can you please do to help!?

The second one is that I'm trying to make squats (space dwarves) a relevant thing again, but I'm not sure how to do. Can you please give me some advice? And please don't speak about this to Yorg Warp-heart.

Yours sincerely,

Fangs and squats forever.


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Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

Dear uncle GoatToucher,

I actually have two dilemmas. The first being that there's this depraved individual with a most evil dwelling and something he calls his "workroom" I've tried to ignore him, but he is just too powerful, what can you please do to help!?

The answer to this is quite simple: submit to the being's will. Become their instrument, and, by proving your usefulness, you may avoid some (but by no means all) of their unwholesome depredations. Appease the beast by feeding it, as they say.

Consider: would you rather be the Matre'd, ushering content into the "Workroom", or would you rather be the focus of attention in the "Workroom"?

The choice, I think, is clear.

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:


The second one is that I'm trying to make squats (space dwarves) a relevant thing again, but I'm not sure how to do. Can you please give me some advice? And please don't speak about this to Yorg Warp-heart.

Yours sincerely,

Fangs and squats forever.

Squats are dwarves.

Dwarves are stereotypical Scottsmen.

Stereotypical Scottsmen are funny.

The preceding processes are facile. It is -old- comedy. Comedy that does not surprise is not engaging.

You must not ask yourself "How Squats?", but "Why Squats?" What about them is interesting? If the answer to this is lacking (it is, currently), then ask yourself "How can I -make them- interesting?" How do I make them engaging? How do I give them a character all their own that makes them stand out? Consider not only the culture, but the technology: what makes a Squat Army interesting from a statistical/tactical point of view? They come from high gravity worlds: how would that affect their war machines?

If you have a good idea regarding how to make Squats interesting, execute that vision.

If you cannot, abandon the project.

Do not count on GW to do the work for you. They have long since become a money printing operation, with no interest in developing the game in any way other than maximizing the profits from figures.

I hope this helps. In payment, prepare your psyche and soul to be sacrificed to sustain the God-Emperor.

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Uncle GoatToucher


Would it be possible to get GW to start a monkey printing operation?


Pulg wrote:
Would it be possible to get GW to start a monkey printing operation?

3D printing technology currently available commercially only allows for objects to be created from single uniform compounds (plastic, for example). If this is what you are looking for, it is quire easily done. I assume, however, that this is not the case, and that you are interested in the printing of actual monkeys, and not in simply animating monkey statues using arcane powers.

More complex items typically have to have individual components created and then assembled after the fact. What you are suggesting is a printer that can assemble a complex organism using a variety of substances to create the various tissues in order to create a living monkey (presumably to serve your will or... whims).

I won't deny that such printers exist, but the acquisition of one typically presents one of two problems:

1: The printer in question carries with it a terrible curse. Most often this will result in you ironically being rent limb from limb and devoured by your own monkey-horde (arcane technologists are not terribly creative in this regard).

2: The printer in question comes at a terrible price. Now, this price varies, so you need to shop around, but most people can only contact one, maybe two unwholesome beings from beyond the veil, so this limits options somewhat. You need to determine the best deal you can manage from the purveyors at your disposal.

You might seek out a broker who serves as a liaison with the otherworldly. The inclusion of a "middleman" will come with an expense, but that additional cost is often material (gold/materials/influence as opposed to souls, as it were) and it will allow you to bargain more effectively for your unnatural printer.

I know several such brokers, and if you contact me through my office, I can put you in touch with them.

I hope this helps. When your operation is up and running, send no fewer than a score of the monkeys so produced my way.

For academic purposes, of course.

Best wishes,

Uncle GoatToucher


Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

HEY! Who turned out the lights?!?

Over and Out,

Floating In A Most Unusual Way

Dark Archive

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

What can change the nature of a man?

Greetings and Farewell,

That Which Walks With All Men

Sovereign Court

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

Life has become rather frustrating recently. Firstly, my workplace has recently come under new management. These fools refuse to take me seriously, and cannot be relied upon to respect my reserved space, or even pay my salary on time! I presented them with a new plan to revolutionize our HR situation - out with the old, tawdry, and overrated, in with the new, exciting, and gifted, that sort of thing - but once again, the fools NEVER listen! I am not even certain they bother to understand how much I do around here. Why, at first, they didn't even recognize me as one of the most senior, most dependable, and most productive employees!

As if that all weren't bad enough, there's...this girl. The way I feel about her, I have never felt about anyone. I was frightened to approach her at first for fear she wouldn't like me (my talents and ambition have earned my many 'frenemies' over the years, but I have always had very few, if any, friends), but I was able to surreptitiously teach her, reveal the glorious abyssal depths of her own potential to her...and people have noticed. Her career is skyrocketing with my help. She still doesn't know who her teacher really is, though (it is hard to explain), and in the meantime, she is infatuated with this rich, manly, Aryan-featured, RICH fop who also happens to hold much of the company's purse-strings. I have my intellect and my art...but other than that, how can I compete?

Your Obedient Friend,

O.G.


Ok so maybe it is surprisingly insightful.


The Last Question wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

HEY! Who turned out the lights?!?

Over and Out,

Floating In A Most Unusual Way

They turned themselves off. After six o'clock, the lights in your office automatically turn off unless the motion sensors are set off. Your ethereal nature prevents these sensors from detecting you, thus, the inconvenient lack of lighting.

Add one more thing to the hellish nature of your incorporeal existence.

I hope this helps. I apologize for the mundanity of the answer, but this should perhaps be a lesson to not use valuable resources lightly. For example, one would not be well advised to commune with the Elder Darkness to locate one's car keys when five more minutes of searching would do just as well.

At any rate, there is a certain article currently residing on the ethereal plane that I need retrieved. I will send details along shortly via an envoy you will know to be mine.

Via con dios!

Uncle GoatToucher


Vortae wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

What can change the nature of a man?

Greetings and Farewell,

That Which Walks With All Men

Well, if we are speaking of a man's physical nature, the answer is obvious: Arcane energies and certain powerful alchemical solutions. However, I am going to assume that your query is somewhat more metaphysical than that.

There are some who say that a man's nature (and we will use this as a shorthand for all sentient life, regardless of race or gender) is immutable. That an individual, indeed, an entire species, it born with an inherent nature that colors all of its actions. Some suggest that this nature can be overcome through effort and will, while other suggest that such endeavors are ultimately useless, and that one's true nature will always shine through.

This, at least in come cases, is not wrong. Consider the denizens of the Upper and Lower planes: the very nature of their existence is to be exemplars of goodness and evil, anarchy and order. They are created (by a Higher Mind or the universe itself) for this purpose, and to violate it is to literally undermine one's spiritual existence. Given that these beings are spirit given form, this spiritual disruption may very well lead to physical disillusion and the death of identity. A demon who does good puts it's existence at risk, as does an angel who acts with ill-intent.

These being are powerful, because that power comes from their singular spiritual alignment. Most thinking beings, certainly on the material plane, are fundamentally physical. Their powers are limited, by their freedom is far greater.

What can change the nature of such men? Why, the very thing that gives it shape in the first place: experience.

Take your "primitive" humanoid of preference. Their cultures value violence and strength. Empathy and mercy are seen as weakness. Those not strong or guileful enough to survive are brutally culled in order to create a stronger society.

Were you to take a babe from one of these communities and raise it apart from the savagery of its people, would it grow up to be a savage, or would it be shaped by your sensibilities? If you value intelligence, would it not also value intelligence? If you teach it the value of hard work, would it not learn?

Some say no. Some say that these races are inherently violent and full of mayhem, and that no external influence can change that. I would suggest, however, that if you raise such a child with the presupposition that the child will turn savage one day, the child will sense your distrust, your hate, and -that- will turn it savage: spite towards you.

There have been many examples throughout history of "primitive" humanoids overcoming their nature to become peaceful people. Some are put through the crucible of judgement and pain and come out the other side with their mettle tempered and strong. I give to you buy way of example hundreds of half-orc paladins.

Now, let us consider the experiences that follow childhood: can a person not be fundamentally changed by tragedy, loss, or heartache? Can they not be elevated by acts of kindness and mercy, by selfless, unconditional love?

And cannot all of this not be taken away by pain? By judiciously applied debasement and horror? By actions put upon the body and soul to break the mind and spirit and build it up again according to the will of he who applies that pain?

Let me tell you from experience and academic study: yes, it can. All natures may be smashed to finders if you replace all values, all principles, with the unabridged desire to be free from sufficiently horrible suffering. There is no tree so tall that it cannot be broken, no rock so hard that it cannot be ground to dust by a judicious hand with the right tools and expertise. You can make someone anything you want them to be if you can make them dread the consequences of being anything else so firmly that you need never lay a finger on them again to keep them in line.

How may this be done? Well, I'm afraid that you'll need to attend one of my seminars and buy my books to find out!

I hope this helped. To illustrate my point, you will experience a change in your own nature in the days to come. I'd say to "gird your loins" or something similar, but it won't help.

Kisses!

Uncle GoatToucher


1 person marked this as a favorite.
The Phantom of the Opera wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

Life has become rather frustrating recently. Firstly, my workplace has recently come under new management. These fools refuse to take me seriously, and cannot be relied upon to respect my reserved space, or even pay my salary on time! I presented them with a new plan to revolutionize our HR situation - out with the old, tawdry, and overrated, in with the new, exciting, and gifted, that sort of thing - but once again, the fools NEVER listen! I am not even certain they bother to understand how much I do around here. Why, at first, they didn't even recognize me as one of the most senior, most dependable, and most productive employees!

As if that all weren't bad enough, there's...this girl. The way I feel about her, I have never felt about anyone. I was frightened to approach her at first for fear she wouldn't like me (my talents and ambition have earned my many 'frenemies' over the years, but I have always had very few, if any, friends), but I was able to surreptitiously teach her, reveal the glorious abyssal depths of her own potential to her...and people have noticed. Her career is skyrocketing with my help. She still doesn't know who her teacher really is, though (it is hard to explain), and in the meantime, she is infatuated with this rich, manly, Aryan-featured, RICH fop who also happens to hold much of the company's purse-strings. I have my intellect and my art...but other than that, how can I compete?

Your Obedient Friend,

O.G.

Ambition. Love. Sources of our salvation and our downfall, our greatest joys and pains. Powerful motivators.

Not knowing the exact details of your situation, I will only be able to give you advice in broad strokes, but, that said, I think that you will find the application of these measures both efficacious and satisfying.

So.

Burn the place down.

Find all of the resources that you can glean from the place, both in personnel, materiel, and intellectual resources. Then destroy the place. Any resource you cannot take with you (or that refuses to follow), make sure that resource is destroyed. Whether then know that you are the source of their destruction is up to you. Their knowing can be satisfying, but carries potential dangers. Their not knowing can create existential dread ("Why did this happen to me!?!") that is just delightful.

What form this destruction takes is up to you, given your expertise and the institution at hand, but I must say that a good old fashioned act of arson can often be quite effective, either as an inciting event, an instrument to facilitate your actions, or a culminating act of destruction. If those who have wronged you are consumed in the flames, so much the better!

Then take the resources you have taken as your due and build up your own institution, with yourself at the reigns of power. Offering the object of your affection a lieutenancy may be a way to win her over, but you must understand that the principle motivator here is punishing those who have wronged you and using their ashen remains (literal or figurative) as the fertile soil from which your power will grow. This woman will either stand with you (out of loyalty or self-interest) or against you. If it is the former, you have an opportunity to win her. If it is the latter, well... we know what happens to those who oppose us, don't we?

There are always more people to love, and when new enemies see the destruction you have left in your wake, they will think twice before crossing you. The more brutal and decisive your destruction, the greater the benefits you will reap. This is true in life, as well as business.

I hope this helped. As payment, I ask that you record the sounds made by your greatest foe at the very nadir of their suffering and provide me with that recording. I use such recordings at my spa (which you are welcome to attend, gratis, when your pogrom is completed).

Ave atque vale!

Uncle GoatToucher


Vidmaster7 wrote:
Ok so maybe it is surprisingly insightful.

What did you expect?


And LO, in an pillar of fire did the LORD appear, and spake unto his prophet GoatToucher; quoth he, 'Thou, my people, are my Chosen People, and if thou hast loins, I command that thou goest forth and girdest them'

Rabbi Hillel writes: It is clear that, when the Prophet brought forth his message, he intended us to gird up our loins with actual girders. Give me a girder.
Rabbi Isaacs writes: Can we still gird loins if they're pork loins?
Rabbi Solomon writes. Rabbi Isaacs and Rabbi Hillel are both idiots.

GoatToucher, who is correct?


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Public Safety Annunciation wrote:
And LO, in an pillar of fire did the LORD appear, and spake unto his prophet GoatToucher; quoth he, 'Thou, my people, are my Chosen People, and if thou hast loins, I command that thou goest forth and girdest them'

I remember that day! Oh, THE LORD! Such a scamp!

Good times...

Public Safety Annunciation wrote:


Rabbi Hillel writes: It is clear that, when the Prophet brought forth his message, he intended us to gird up our loins with actual girders. Give me a girder.
Rabbi Isaacs writes: Can we still gird loins if they're pork loins?
Rabbi Solomon writes. Rabbi Isaacs and Rabbi Hillel are both idiots.

GoatToucher, who is correct?

Well, Rabbis Hillel and Solomon are both correct. Rabbi Hillel in that I find his interpretation hilarious and would like to see it taken to heart and enacted. Rabbi Solomon is correct in his estimation of Rabbis Hillel and Isaacs.

Rabbi Isaacs cannot be said to be correct or incorrect, as he is presenting us with an interrogative, rather than a declarative statement.

I hope this helps. I appreciate a question of a more theoretical nature, rather than practical. In return for your question, you will receive an insight to the Scripture that will be truly revelatory, and will shake the foundations of your belief to the very core.

I will not say for certain that this will drive you mad, but it seems likely.

Shalom.

Uncle GoatToucher

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Adventure, Card Game, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Uncle Goat Toucher,

I've come across a strange tome. After reading this, angles and dimensions in my view distort themselves. Also, I can no longer sleep, as I hear a whispering calling my name and asking me to do unspeakable things. Your advice?

Liberty's Edge

Launching DEARUNCLEGOATTOUCHER.exe:

...
...
...
Wouldn't
You
Like
To
Be
A
Pepper
Too
?

C:\_


AM TARDIGRADE! UNCLE GOATTOUCHER ISN'T! HAVE QUESTION:

AM TARDIGRADE! HAVE BUCKET! BUCKET HAVE HOLE!

AM TARDIGRADE! LIKE BUCKET! WANT FIX BUCKET!

CAN'T FIX BUCKET! NEED ALGAL BLOOM! ALGAL BLOOM TOO STRINGY!

CAN'T CUT ALGAL BLOOM! CLAWS TOO DULL!

CAN'T SHARPEN CLAWS! NEED SCRATCHING POST! SCRATCHING POST TOO DRY!

CAN'T WET SCRATCHING POST! NEED IONIZED HEAVY WATER! SCRATCHING POST TOO FAR FROM IONIZED ABYSS!

CAN'T BRING IONIZED HEAVY WATER TO SCRATCHING POST! NEED BUCKET! BUCKET HAVE HOLE!

AM TARDIGRADE! AM FLUMMOXED! WHAT TO DO?!?


Sliska Zafir wrote:

Uncle Goat Toucher,

I've come across a strange tome. After reading this, angles and dimensions in my view distort themselves. Also, I can no longer sleep, as I hear a whispering calling my name and asking me to do unspeakable things. Your advice?

I've seen this before a number of times. In my experience, you have one of two choices, after which the voices will surely cease:

1: Attempt to resist the unholy mind and inevitably go mad, flinging yourself into the flames in an act of self-immolation in order to escape the thoughts, the visions, the voices.

2: Give yourself over to the unholy mind and inevitably go mad, flinging yourself into the flames in an act of adoration for the Ancients who will soon come and destroy us all.

I hope this helps. In return for your answer, please record the "hallucinations" you experience between midnight tonight and the following dawn. Good luck surviving until then.

Stay frosty,

Uncle GoatToucher


R2-FU wrote:

Launching DEARUNCLEGOATTOUCHER.exe:

...
...
...
Wouldn't
You
Like
To
Be
A
Pepper
Too
?

C:\_

Indeed I would, and I can tell you what I have found after nearly a decade of study and hundreds of thousands spent on research.

I am indeed a Pepper.

You are also a Pepper.

He is a Pepper as well.

She is undoubtedly a Pepper.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, there is no escaping the inevitable.

Submit. To flavor.

I hope this clarifies things. In exchange for my knowledge, be so kind as to replace your next lubricant bath with the soft drink in question. I'm sure that the experience will be eye opening for you.

Say it loud: I'm Black and I'm Proud.

Uncle GoatToucher


AM TARDIGRADE wrote:

AM TARDIGRADE! UNCLE GOATTOUCHER ISN'T! HAVE QUESTION:

AM TARDIGRADE! HAVE BUCKET! BUCKET HAVE HOLE!

AM TARDIGRADE! LIKE BUCKET! WANT FIX BUCKET!

CAN'T FIX BUCKET! NEED ALGAL BLOOM! ALGAL BLOOM TOO STRINGY!

CAN'T CUT ALGAL BLOOM! CLAWS TOO DULL!

CAN'T SHARPEN CLAWS! NEED SCRATCHING POST! SCRATCHING POST TOO DRY!

CAN'T WET SCRATCHING POST! NEED IONIZED HEAVY WATER! SCRATCHING POST TOO FAR FROM IONIZED ABYSS!

CAN'T BRING IONIZED HEAVY WATER TO SCRATCHING POST! NEED BUCKET! BUCKET HAVE HOLE!

AM TARDIGRADE! AM FLUMMOXED! WHAT TO DO?!?

Goodness! That is a pickle!

First, take comfort in the fact that, since you AM INDESTRUCTIBLE, this problem shall pass in the fullness of time.

I am familiar (ahem) with a woman who AM SPECIALIST in dilemmas such as yours. I shall forward your information to her, and she AM CONTACTING you presently.

When you see her, give Dear Liza my love.

Damn "The Man", save the Empire.

Uncle GoatToucher

Dark Archive

Dear, Sweet Uncle GoatToucher,

Having said that you "appreciate a question of a more theoretical nature, rather than practical", I now submit to you onesuch that could be either or both, namely: How many +3 Dancing Pins can be firmly nailed into the head of an angel?

Yours In Acute Professional Interest,

سيد مفتاح الفضة

Sovereign Court

Dear uncle Goattoucher, I am an evil wizard who has been trying to conquer various kingdoms with an army of beasts at my command, but I've been bested every time by a boy who apparently was destined to save thesekingdoms (according to the ancient scriptures, kinda wished I looked at them) and his gaggle of friends (if you are curious who they are, please consult the "Last to post wins" thread and/or read the "Beast Quest" books). Please help me, I need a beast so powerful and evil that my enemies cannot possibly win. And I hope that the fact that I have had to beg for help like a common weakling pleases you enough for payment (if not, please feel free to take York Warp-heart'so kidneys).

Gorgon's gaze greet you,

Malvel.


Skiron wrote:

Dear, Sweet Uncle GoatToucher,

Having said that you "appreciate a question of a more theoretical nature, rather than practical", I now submit to you onesuch that could be either or both, namely: How many +3 Dancing Pins can be firmly nailed into the head of an angel?

Yours In Acute Professional Interest,

سيد مفتاح الفضة

One one hand that are there things in the universe that are unknowable. Knowledge whose mere pursuit will drive you over the brink of madness: knowledge which Man Was Not Meant To Know.

I have, of course, found out for you, having been curious about this very subject myself.

The answer is 87,4562, on average, but that is not the interesting part.

Each of these pins is inclined to move on its own, and each of them is buried in the brain-pan of a celestial entity. The twitching of the pins stimulates the brainmeats of the angel, sometime creating movement, other times evoking memories or sensations.

This would be interesting enough with one, but when you have driven the better part of a hundred thousand pins in, they begin to have the singular effect of creating a separate personality for the Angel. It is driving by the angel's inner urges, unfettered by brain trauma, or is it the will of the pins themselves?

I could not say, as the data is insufficient at this time, but science marches on!

I hope this is helpful. In payment, I require fourteen inches of your descending colon for testing purposes. It must be your colon, please. Also, if cannot be contaminated by contact with another, so you will need to remove it yourself.

Ave atque vale!

Uncle GoatToucher


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Malvel, The Dark Wizard wrote:

Dear uncle Goattoucher, I am an evil wizard who has been trying to conquer various kingdoms with an army of beasts at my command, but I've been bested every time by a boy who apparently was destined to save thesekingdoms (according to the ancient scriptures, kinda wished I looked at them) and his gaggle of friends (if you are curious who they are, please consult the "Last to post wins" thread and/or read the "Beast Quest" books). Please help me, I need a beast so powerful and evil that my enemies cannot possibly win. And I hope that the fact that I have had to beg for help like a common weakling pleases you enough for payment (if not, please feel free to take York Warp-heart'so kidneys).

Gorgon's gaze greet you,

Malvel.

Did you know that having a Gorgon look at your nether portions before coitus increases potency tenfold? Something to consider.

First of all, your best bet is to send assassins to exterminate your opposition. Not one with an ego or a certain idiom or an axe to grind against the heroes: A professional. One who will wait in the privy until the Hero's best friend goes to relive himself, and then drive a four foot pike up his backside, leaving him to die in agony, pants around his ankles, for upwards of ten minutes, the gurgles of his torment being scrupulously ignored as natural sounds of evacuation by his friends, giving the assassin time to abscond.

The next shoved under an oncoming carriage by a strategic nudge while passing through a crowd.

A third strangled by their parents while home on a visit. Parents who obey alchemical or arcane mind control.

The added bonus to this method of ignominious death is that it leaves no martyrs to rally behind. How can they tell the story of assassination by rump-pike without disgusting or terrifying the fainter of heart among their fellows?

If, however, you are dedicated to using a Beast to accomplish your aims, look to the under planes. Most of these creatures defy name and categorization, as chaotic as they are, but look for something with both tentacles and teeth. Both of these will be horrifying to the casual observer, and a beast that resembles an octopus in form and function will likely share that noble cephalopod's ability to pass through nearly any portal by compressing itself.

Your enemies' beasts might be swift, but swiftness will not save you from being strangled under a mass of tentacles. They may be strong and armored, but the exit point of biological waste is often a weak point, and if your tentacular beast can gain entrance, it can bypass thick skin and armor plates to devour the vitals from within (which creates the added bonus of the enemy beast thrashing about in terror an agony, not only as it is violated, but as it's innards are consumed while it is unable to stop it).

I hope this was instructive, in payment, I ask for recordings (visual and auditory) of these deaths. for... personal reasons.

Never eat spinach with a stranger.

Uncle GoatToucher.

Liberty's Edge

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

GoatToucher wrote:
Never eat spinach with a stranger.

Why not?

Doinkle-Doinkle Zwieee!,

Yam-I-Yam


Sunomono Slaad wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

GoatToucher wrote:
Never eat spinach with a stranger.

Why not?

Doinkle-Doinkle Zwieee!,

Yam-I-Yam

It is wisdom wrung from hard-won experience. Costly experience.

As payment, I require for you to perform a ten minute interpretive dance for those assembled here that makes at least one observer regurgitate.

IF you fail, you will dance again the next day.

And the next...

And the next...

Flayven!

Uncle GoatToucher


Dear Dirty Grandpa GoatToucher,

If spinach is Forbidden, what leafy green vegetable is acceptable to consume with strangers?


Pulg wrote:

Dear Dirty Grandpa GoatToucher,

If spinach is Forbidden, what leafy green vegetable is acceptable to consume with strangers?

Romaine lettuce, but it must be eaten in stony silence without making eye contact.

In many "primitive" humanoid cultures that tend toward the meatier side of omnivorism, chewing leafy greens while staring intently at another is a challenge. It implies that you view them as a herd animal. The reply will typically be a show of dominance, typically through garden variety violence, but often via a more...personal form of violence that will leave no doubt which of you is on top and which is the bottom.

I hope this was helpful. In return, please go to your local Bugbear bar with a Caesar salad and put my theories to the test. Then compose a detailed report (very detailed) describing what happened and your thoughts.

Meli Kalikimaka

Uncle GoatToucher

Shadow Lodge

"Hey, Rotten Nephew GoatToucher,"

"Question: Why should you NEVER trust ANY lawyer who works for the American military?"

"Answer: Because they're all JAG-Offs!"

"D'OOOOOH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOO!"

"Semper Aliquid,"

"Sergeant Puppet's Homely Heartless Band, LIVE from the Berlin Waldorf"


:stimulates himself in the presence of puppets, as is his habit:

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Adventure, Card Game, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I've grown concerned about my appearance - my flabby tentacles won't fit in these jeans any more. Cthugha, my physician, has decreed I need cut back on devouring entrails - too fatty. Instead, it has geased me to consume only gray matter, which tastes awful and is hardly satisfying.

What's an otherwordly ancient one to do?


Dear Uncle GoatToucher...


Dear Turnip Lord GoatToucher,

I thought about following your suggestion above, but instead went to the Caesar Bar with a Bugbear Salad.

When will the hair grow back, and at what point should I start feeling any shame?

Yours for the smack of firm government,

Richard M. Nixon.


Sliska Zafir wrote:

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I've grown concerned about my appearance - my flabby tentacles won't fit in these jeans any more. Cthugha, my physician, has decreed I need cut back on devouring entrails - too fatty. Instead, it has geased me to consume only gray matter, which tastes awful and is hardly satisfying.

What's an otherwordly ancient one to do?

The Sweetbreads are all about preparation. If you just run up and clout a fellow on the back of the head, of course it will be bland. You must evoke profound emotion before harvesting.

One way to do this is to allow your meal to see you in all your squamous glory before devouring them. A mind full of terror is quite refreshing. Be careful to harvest them before their horror turns to madness, as this can dull the flavor.

Despair, is also a wonderful flavor, as is hope.

Joy is actually quite tasty. One thing I like to do in the summer months is attend weddings. Observe whoever is happiest at the proceedings (generally the bride and/or groom, but often a parent) and take them without warning at the crescendo of the ceremony. The screams of revulsion and horror in the other guests makes for delightful dinner music.

I hope this is helpful. In exchange, I will require thirteen stone of fresh tentacles. The source is not important.

Aloha!

Uncle GoatToucher


The Last Question wrote:
Dear Uncle GoatToucher...

Indeed I do! In fact, had you not learned, I would have had the top of your skull removed, fixed a many-legged creature of my design atop it, and caused it to simulate your brain with prods and electric shocks to cause you to dance.

So you have saved us both the bother. Kudos!

I hope this sets your mind at ease. In exchange, you will submit to my "love". This is not to say that you will not resist (I quite prefer it) but the "love" will come nevertheless.

Sleep Tight!

Uncle GoatToucher


Pulg wrote:

Dear Turnip Lord GoatToucher,

I thought about following your suggestion above, but instead went to the Caesar Bar with a Bugbear Salad.

When will the hair grow back, and at what point should I start feeling any shame?

Yours for the smack of firm government,

Richard M. Nixon.

Mr. President,

First of all, the shame is always there. Such shame.

It never leaves those who have not liberated themselves from the concerns of those around us.

The hair should start to return within the week. You will notice that the hair over the eyes and around the mouth and anus will grow back much faster, and much longer, than it ever had before: three to four feet on average.

The bad news is that is will be quite durable. the good news is that it can be crafted into a fine rope! So that's nice.

I hope this was helpful. In exchange I require 100' of your special rope. For scientific purposes, of course.

Run to the hills. Run for your life.

Uncle GoatToucher


GoatToucher wrote:
:stimulates himself in the presence of puppets, as is his habit:

Is that why you got fired from 'Sesame Street'?


I was not fired. I quit.

Those poseurs were not -really- interested in teaching children useful life skills after all.

Scarab Sages

Dear Yagi-Chikan-Sama,

Can you please explain WTF is the deal with this "Daddy-kink" thing people have suddenly begun referencing in just the last few years?

長く生きると繁栄,

Tokyo Nightshade

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Adventure, Card Game, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

dEAR uNCLE gOATTOUCHER,

mY CAPSLOCK KEY IS STUCK, PROBABLY FROM SPILLED BODILY FLUIDS TAKEN WITHOUT PROPER CONTRACT, OR ONE OF MY UNAUTHORIZED SLOPPY FEASTS.

sOLUTIONS?

Sovereign Court

Dear Toucher of goats who claims title of parent's sibling,

There has recently been some debate that reploids and humans cannot coexist (even though, apparently, this issue has been dealt with many hundreds of years ago) because of how much supply and energy each side needs. As such, many reploids are attacking each other and the humans also have started grafting cybernetic parts onto themselves (and that's not even mentioning the pseudoroids). The whole thing has just become one convoluted mess! What's the correct source of action?

The future begins in Neo Arcadia,

Panter Flauclaws

Scarab Sages

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I've been hired to write the script for a big-budget Leisure Suit Larry movie. The director's either going to be Steven Spielberg, Simon Pegg, or (odd as I know it sounds) Tim Burton - nobody knows which yet, and I have no say over it. However, I have otherwise been authorized to draft whoever I wish, SO I am hereby deputizing YOU to be casting director!

Long story short: Big-budget Leisure Suit Larry movie, out in, let's say, Summer 2021. Original story, high-fidelity to source material.
Gimme a 5d10 ⇒ (4, 9, 1, 10, 5) = 29-person cast.

Play 'La Marseillaise' (Play It!),

I'm Hiding EVEN IN YOUR MOVIE THEATRES!


While you're waiting, we will be more than happy to play you 'La Marseillaise'.

Pingpingping ping ping ping ping PIIIING pingping, pingpingping ping piiing, ping pingpiiing


Shirokuro Shisōka wrote:

Dear Yagi-Chikan-Sama,

Can you please explain WTF is the deal with this "Daddy-kink" thing people have suddenly begun referencing in just the last few years?

長く生きると繁栄,

Tokyo Nightshade

I imagine that the young people, being poor, have neither the free time not the liquid income to purchase a gym membership and make use of it, so you see a plurality of young men whose physiques are not sculpted, and are more natural, without falling to obesity. this would be the "Dad Bod".

Then, you have not quite half of marriages ending in divorce, and 2/3 of these divorces being initiated by women who are fed up with man children who they are expected to maintain like a 1950's housewife while working like a 21st century woman.

Meanwhile, you have young douchebags and the Tinder dating culture, which sends most young ladies running, screaming into the night.

Each of these women long for a man who is both at peace with himself, but also attuned to their partner and children. Someone with an authoritative mien, but also has a loving side. The "Daddy".

This is the equivalent of a "typical" (read: dull) man wanting a young, hot, bisexual woman to join him and his lady friend or wife in the bedroom, without complicating the core relationship. A far less interesting unicorn (in that fewer people are moved to tears when you stalk, kill, and eat one).

Essentially, it is a romantic fantasy. People like that do not exist, or rather, they exist in the very specific context of their families. These men are attuned to -their- wife and children. Not to you. You are not invited. By luck or murder you might find a widower that qualifies, but said widower would be far more likely to be struck by grief and keyed on tending to their children than interested in starting a relationship with you.

You want a Daddy because he is invested in his family, but that does not include you. You have to start a relationship with a regular man, and then work with that man to develop into better partners and parents. That takes work on both sides: you cant expect to scoop one up pre-made.

In short, the affinity for Daddies is quite feminist in that it proves that women are just people, and are not immune to having unrealistic expectations of that they want versus the work they are willing to put in to get it. The great unifying truth of existence is that everyone is an idiot in equal measure, regardless of color, creed, or where you like to stick what/ have what stuck with what frequency.

I hope this helps, as payment, I would simply like you to translate that alphabet, as I generally do not have Comprehend Languages available, instead preferring magics that are more useful to my work and hobbies.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Uncle GoatToucher

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