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Your Hilarity, we brought all the trap drums and spelling dictionaries we could find.
Minions, bring me eye of newt!
Your Thorniness, we have traveled to South Bend, Indiana and claimed your prize! It is somewhat desiccated, but we have retrieved for you the eye of the renowned Notre Dame football coach!
Minions! Bring me the finest orifices in the realm, that I may know them...
Your vileness, we have brought you the finest ores in feces.
It has a 'distinct odor', but you seem to revel in that anyway.
MINIONS! Make sure Electronic Arts' game studios are shut down, and get Origin back to independance!
At once, Lord, Son of Harri! Not only did we not pay your electric bill, but also we told them never to bother you again. You are now independent of the electric company! You're welcome.
Minions! Bring me only the most exotic dancers in the land!
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At your request, I took thirty men and ventured deep into the jungle. Nine of us were lost to disease, five to malnutrition, and ten were slain by wild predators. But after three long weeks, those of us who survived captured the most exotic dancers I have ever laid eyes on. On the boat back, four more died of thirst, and the remaining two perished while protecting our precious cargo from highwaymen. But I stand before you now, alive and victorious!
Minions, infiltrate and take over all the global superpowers' governments!
We have received your joke orders captain.
Minions, do absolutely nothing, whatsoever
Your Thornyness! Your new king has ordered us to help you evacuate after easily taking over our castle - since you told us to do nothing.
Minions! Begin the yardsale at once!
Yesh boss we have sold the yard to those yelling people in full plate with white horses.
Minions! Summon the dragons!
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O Foremost Rouge-Impersonator, we have summoned all the dragons to court for their crimes, whether they've committed any or not! The golds have brought their own lawyers (and they look pissed), the brasses say they will BE their own lawyers (and they look pissed, and like they have some sort of crazy plan), the greens have already cut a deal with our judges (and they look like they have weird googly spirals in their eyes), and the reds look like they're already ready to breathe....
Minions! Go forth to the graveyards and create an undead army for me!
Oh great sideways wizard, we have procured the control for the pony's Orbital Friendship Cannon. We tested it, and while it makes most creatures make out, it makes evil monsters just wither and die.
Minions, summon the aberrations from the dark tapestry!
Oh Great Guru of the Gothical Spire of Intricate Design (and Flavor)! We have filed all the burrs off of your rickety old wagon and have taped it back together. We couldn't find any dark tape (per se), but this silvery tape named after a water fowl is AMAZING!
Minions, prepare THE CORONATION!
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We have moved your citizens out to the reef in preparation for the coral nation, sire! Everyone is complaining about wet feet, but I have assured them that you know best.
MINIONS! A servant seeks to seduce my sweet cousin, but the fool has left a glass slipper behind. Find the wretch whose foot fills this slipper, and bring foot and slipper back to me, sans wretch.
Your High Evilness! We found the person, had them retch into the slipper, and brought it back to you as you asked! It's fine if you don't tell us what you need it for.
MINIONS! I require the Orb of a Thousand Eyes to complete the ritual that will allow me to take over the world! Bring it to me quickly!
Boss we have brought the Dwarf of a thousand pies as you requested; he is in the kitchens.
Minions! the local human fleets are disrupting my sleep, destroy them all!
It is done, vengeful master! We have slain all the sheep owned by humans in the land; the human fleece will disrupt your sleep no more!
Underlings! Prepare my orbital weapons platform to fire upon any fools who do not comply with my demands!
Good morning, Boss. While you were sleeping we went ahead and attached the occipital weapon platform as you've requested. You can't see anything because we've removed your pupils. But you get ultimate destruction at whomever and whatever you choose to look at with those neat little muzzles sticking out of your eye sockets!
Oh, and your spouse requested that you never look in their direction ever again. You know, to keep them alive.
Minions! board the cruise ship. It's time for a vacation!
Understood, dreaded overlord!
We have successfully evacuated every settlement in your entire kingdom!
Minions! Extinguish the rebellion! You know, painfully.
We have dumped a lot of water on the rebellion, your horribleness! Now they are no longer on fire. Some of us are wondering why you didn't want them to continue burning though.
Minions! Find the chosen one and turn him to the dark side! He will make a most excellent apprentice...
He whose Postocles are bigger than ours! We found the one you have chosen and we put him on a spit. We shall roast him to the fire as you command.
Minions! Take candy from all the babies!
Yes Bossman! We tookz baby named Candy, here she is.
(holds up the baby)
Minionz! Sink that big boat that is been watching our coasts all week!
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O Popped-Eye The Unholy-Man, it took us tremendous effort, the use of our state-of-the-art seasteading construction fleet still in its prototype stage, and no small sum from your treasury to buy the services of the realm's finest plumbers, pipefitters, and porcelain-wrights, but we have managed to place that boat inside a giant bathroom sink!
MINIONS! Make a bathtub big enough, and filled with enough bathwater, for planet Saturn to float in!
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Oh great mustard, we shrank a saturn car and floated it in your bathtub like you asked.
Minions! go to earth one and bring me the meta human bomb!
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Great Lord of the Brim, we have met with our contacts at the R&D wing of Earth First!, who have been developing state-of-the-art human-seeking kamikaze androids - they were more than happy to part with their prototype, who, due to a programming error, never "meta human" it didn't like!
MINIONS! Go back in time and fix the 21st Century! Because it sucks!
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Oh mighty lord of the leering rictus, using your antique clock we have traveled to the point in time when you purchased your vacuum cleaner "The 21st Century" and altered the mechanics so now it just blows (how you are going to clean your house now is a mystery to us).
Minions! Prank call the local tavern and buy me a beer!
As you requested Count of Heydrich! We prank called the local tavern and told them the you were buying ALL the beers! Hahah hahahaha ahahah! By the way, there are eight coachmen here demanding that you pay for the two hundred and forty beer barrels that were ferried by their carriages.
Minions! Attack the dancers!
By your command, my chitinous liege, the Free City of Danzig is no more! The Danzigers will never plague you again.
Minions! I would have a selection of fruits and vegetables to please my palate!
My lord, we have teleported the warrior Frank Castle to us! He's already killed three quarters of your Legions of Terror!
Minions! I hunger! Bring me a taco!
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Odd and disturbing as I found thy request, and unsavory and frightful as I found the task of fetching it, who am I to question your Dirty-Old-Majesty's taste? Bon apetit.
MINIONS! Run for Congress!
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We have my Jangling Master: They were utterly unprepared for our assault, and were taken unawares in minutes. We began with the Senate, for, while fewer in number, our intelligence indicated that they were the more powerful group. This did not prove to the be case.
When we arrived at the other side of the capitol, they were prepared for us, ten score and more. They had crafted simple barricades, though many fled for their lives. A surprising number of those who remained had firearms. For their boldness we let them live to serve as body slaves for our generals, but not before inserting their weapons way, way WAY into their body cavities. They will live out their lives scrubbing the testicles of countless powerful warriors before and after battle.
Those who fled were quickly rounded up and died, covered in a combination of their own blood, tears, and feces secreted in terror. We have crafted their skin into a fine leather Harlequin suit for your surreptitious glory.
Minions? Be lambs and fetch me the bones of this nation's leader. Leave them alive, but I only want the bones. All of them.
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The leader himself remains in his ellipitical office.
MINIONS!! Charge the Death-Ray Laser-Cannon!!!
It is done, your Whiteyness. I personally oversaw the installation of a battery in your death-ray laser pointer. We tested it on the prisoners but so far it has only produced mocking laughter.
Minions, form up in teams. Tomorrow we march!
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By your command, Your Terminality, we humble supplicants have spent the day as cheerleading squads and forming human(, et al,) pyramids and whatnot. We had no idea it was in fact the most injury-prone of today's major sports, but now we certainly understand, and most of us have been left with no choice but to spend the next fortnight or so regenerating in the Lazarus Pits! Nonetheless, we (and by 'we', *I* do, of course, refer to the common collective 'we' and nothing more, as the Royal 'We' is of course thine-and-thine's alone!) all wish ye an enjoyable and refreshing march tomorrow!
MINIONS! Carpe Diem - make your lives extraordinary!
As you wish, Majesty.
We have removed all condiments and spices from the kitchen, and decorated the entire lair in beige.
Now it is extra-ordinary!
Minions: Bring me the prisoner, and make sure they are well greased!
By your command, Cap'n T. Fruity! We have brought you the Robotique Companion (TM). All joints and bendy parts have been greased and oiled.
Minions! Arm the gliders!
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Yes oh master bater general, we have assembled your force of laser armed sugar gliders!
Minions, Halloween is coming! Assemble me a haunted house complete with jack o lanterns and scary outfits!
Oh I will, Master, soapy and slippery. For convenience, I have arranged for you a seat of my own design that locks your head in place so that you will not be distracted or allow your eyes to close.
This shower will take thirty-six hours.
:later:
Minions! :claps briskly: I am moist from my shower. My robe, posthaste!
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As you wish, Your Tuberculosity. *Ahem*...
...It's GREAT! It's ASTOUNDING! It's HERETICAL! It's...The Next Poster!!! Be there, or be EXCOMMUNICATED from thine own flesh!
Minions! Fetch...THE RACK!!!
Stu just filled your secret lair with every rack he could find. Shopkeepers are very upset.
Minions, fetch me plans for a death ray.
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Your Scrumdiddlyumptiousness, it required all our guile and a judicious portion of our cunning, but we succeeded in purloining what you requested - BEHOLD!: *presents a mundane notepad, covered in singe-marks, that looks like it's been hooked to a refrigerator for months; the top page reads:*
SUN: BLAST STUFF!
MON: Go shopping; B sure 2 get milk, JIF PB, fuel-grade diamonds
TUES: BLAST STUFF! ALSO - Taco Tuesday!
WED: ANOTHER fr'ging PTC; what's my little son-of-a-gun up to NOW...?
THU: Shooting practice @ the range
FRI: Morning - BLAST STUFF! Evening - Any good movies out rn...?
SAT: Poker-night w/ the arsenal-buddies
SUN: BLAST STUFF!!! (New Target Assn'mt: Some1 named "Goth Guru"...!?
....
MINIONS!!! You must construct additional pylons!