Minion Misunderstanding

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Scarab Sages

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Your Poognacity, while trying to find the best way to cook your burger, we discovered they came out much better sliced thin and fried in cornmeal. Poogie-Pie, we humbly present to you: DORITOES(TM)!

Minions! Collect this year's taxes from my subjects!

Oh great whitefacedness, we were unable to do so. The taxes are what you get from them, not the other way around, so we made sure to take all their other money, food and resources. Most of them have been starving this last week.

Minions! Entertain the masses! Quick!

Oh She of the Twisted Horns, we have put the masses in to one large arena and equipped them with edged weapons in order to fight to the death. ARE THEY NOT ENTERTAINED!?

Minions. I grow tired of your bumbling antics. Straighten up!

Great one here are the spines of your most loyal and powerfull minions, we have streched them on a rack and have had your alchemists preserve them with adamantium so that they will never bend again.
On a side note our adamantium ore reserves have been depleted...

Foolish minions raid the underdark for ores and slaves!

If by underdark you mean under your bed, sir, we didn't find ores or slaves, but we have some very interesting magazines.

Minions, clean the streets!

Sire we have cleansed the streets with the blood of the nonbelievers, on a side note it's getting kinda rank and smelly with the bloody streets and the fly swarms are getting out of hand...

Minions leave my NECRONOMICON for beginners correspondence course books alone!

Yes sir! We have abandoned it in the woods and made sure it doesn't find its way back home!

Minions, Awaken the Mustakrakish!

yes boss, We have locked them in a lead-lined vault and buried said vault 600ft below ground, now they will be forever alone

Minions! get a clue!

We got glue, but we got glued to! Help!

Minions, release the glued minions!

She of the Fire Hair and Eyes, we have greased the glued among us, alas, we can't seem to get a good grip on them now, we uhh, need solvent and towels.

Minion! Bring me a charcuterie platter of the highest quality!

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Lord Beer(norg)! We've brought you a character cutie player from the Horse and Bugger Traveling Theatre Group. She's terrified that we're going to eat her, and to be honest I told her that you probably would.

Minions! Delve into all the Arcana lore you can find!

Scarab Sages

Your Meanness and Greenness, we have delved into Arcana, and god. It's full of stars. We have unlocked inner potential beyond our wildest imaginings. We once thought you the grandest being we'd ever known. Now we see how small you truly are. We have no need of you any further. Infinity awaits us....*flies away*

Minions! Design, manufacture, and market an action-figure in my image!

As you say, Dread-Lord! Our first shipment of the prototype is here!

:displays a shoe box full of human feces:

The resemblance is uncanny!

Minions, have a copyright violation suit brought against the writers of FATAL. Their publication was clearly cribbed from my recipe for apple-brown-Betty.

And poorly too...

Lord of all GoatTouchers, we have been wearing our violation suits as per your request.

Minions! Draw your swords and attack!

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We did and we were defeated, sir. I don't know why, I had colored mine black with my crayons and it looked really terrifying...

Minions, build me a castle!

Boss-lady, we built nice sand castle for you, it can withstand one wave of water, too.

Minions!! Go invade and capture the White House where the president of the USA resides.

Oh great gobbo lord, we did. You were right. Once we were inside the US president's place of residence, we found a tiny white house in what seemed to be a model of the entire area. We captured that for you.

Minions! Fix up the yard so the Legions of DOOOOOOOM can exercise there from Monday!

We have done your bidding, Horned Mistress: the yard is now a bare concrete staging area where Lord Doom (whose Doombots have no need of exercise) may assemble his forces at will.

Minons! Send my agents to every corner of the globe: to every sage, to every hidden enclave of arcane wisdom. Despite all my powers of the mind, one fact eludes me, like the grapes above and water below the reach of Tantalus:

Why do kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Oh Most Glorious Lord of Goat Pleasing, we have done as you bid, from fools to sages, we have sought out the answer to your ageless question and found that none of them could endure the CINNAMON CHALLENGE!

Minions! Go forth and find me all the artifacts of Vecna!

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We have returned Our Most Unimpressed One with the facts of Vecna as you sent us to do:
Fact#1: Vecna lived in a Dungeon and a Dragon (I think at the same time).
Fact#2: Vecna owned a grey hawk (and a pet shoe).
Fact#3: Vecna was known for being a terrible and powerful Lick (presumably because he liked to lick things).

Minions! Build me an airship to rival the nations!

If you will enter, O Mandibled One, I will take you high into the air in this magnificent ship!

:several minutes pass:

Now, Your Insectoid Majesty, you will see how this vessel rivals and exceeds the most famous airship in history: The Hindenberg!

:fiery doom and lengthy plummeting (while burning) ensues:

Minions! Bring me something.... pure... that I can defile!

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Goatmolester boss,

We haz brought you maps of tax register, for you to look through and de-file.

Minions!! Go and kill murderers of rhinos!

Most Bulbous Headed One of Zarongel, we have found and training many rhinos, and then killed all the murders we could find with said rhinos, it was very effective. On a related note, our troop count is now dangerously low for...some reason.

Minions! Hunt down and slay the last unicorns, and thus usher in endless winter, it is too friggin hot here right now!

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Yes, your Green Majesty. We have brought these helpful and charming Winter Witches from Irrisen that say that will fix everything for the insignificant price of world domination.

Minions, stop dying in insignificant quests!

Oh, Most Feathery of Hosts, our numbers continue to plummet on quests like 'Bring me a piece of parchment.' and 'What's the weather like outside?' but we no longer dye ourselves with ink just before we die.

Minions! Take the bridge, now!

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Yes boss!

We made sand castle with moat and bridge, but if you not want bridge, we take away.

Minions!! Go feed Jurassic Bard his evening meal!

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Oh Great Zarongel Thing, most of us were the evening meal in Jurassic Park. Raptors run fast!

Minions, I need you to go to the second river near the fork, grab some quartz river rocks, big ones, bring them to the third garden near the west wall, and arrange them in an aesthetical, pleasing manner. You got all that?

Yes master. One Volga on the rocks coming up.

Minions, sing me to sleep.

As you command, Dark Lady...

Minions, present me with Delights of the Flesh!

My Most Profane Liege, we have made the peasantry fight to the death! The survivors thereafter died from a combination of their wounds and famine.

Minions, please give me a back massage.

While you were sleeping, we tattooed the words "If you can read this, turn me around," on your back as requested for your back message.

Minions! Burn the fields and torch the houses!

O Ye Of Mighty Chitin: We have set fire to our entire torch supply, and built sturdy buildings around our crops to keep them safe and warm!

On an unrelated note: does our health plan cover special education classes to manage dyslexia?

Minions! Bring me the hobbits alive...

...and unspoiled.

Yesssssssss, El Jefe Boss. Wheeee have brought you theessssse rabbits...alive and unsssssssspoiled!

Minions! Release the hounds!

Bug-boss man, we have released dogs.

But we have problemz, people now be screaming 'who let the dogs out?!'

Minions!! Skewer the dogs and serve them to our guests at tonight's barbeque!

Poog Lord! Canines run rampant in the town! Oh, and on an unrelated note, hotdogs are commin' off the bbq now. Condiments are over there on the sacrificial alter.

Minions! Get on your space suits!

Scarab Sages

At once, Your Crunchiness! We shall don the cumbersome inflatable-cubical suits designed to take up as much space as possible! Nothing shall get through us!

Um...Your Crunchiness...? Help...? We're all stuck in the foyer to your throne room now...none of us can move....

Minions! Attack the darkness with magic missiles!

Dark Archive

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Oh Smiling One, we have attacked the dark ass with as many mackerels as we could fish. The donkey is no more!

Minions! Sail the star-ship to the second star to the right, and then sail straight on till morning.

Alas, my magnificently mawed master, we were unable to attain a star-ship, but we were able to acquire the Soooooouuuuul Train!

Get on board for a funky ride, my Lord....

Minions! Bring me the head of Don Cornelius!

We have brought you these corn dog heads as you requested, Sir Squinty!

Henchmen! Grab the wench on the bench and throw her in the trench with the stench!

Yes, your Insectoid Majesty! We have quenched a French tench... It was out of the water the poor thing.

Minions! Build an army!

Yes boss, Edgar has built a lovely tank squadron out of floss

Minions! Settle my gambling debts!

Your Shadiness, we've founded a colony on the lands you owe the Dark Queen from your last poker game. Squatters for the win!

Minions! Draw a bath, polish my armor, and throw our "guest" from the top of the tower.

Sir, we've commissioned an artist for your bath, it will be ready tomorrow. Your armour has been modified in the Polish style, and I've invited the local magistrate so we have a guest to throw from the tower.

You lot, pass me the #2 robertson screwdriver!

At once, my Master. You are having trouble making "number 2" and so we've inserted the screwdriver into... the area... so your body can repair itself.

Minions! Retrieve the world's greatest gastroenterologist to repair Sideromancer's colon! Someone has damaged it!

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Master of All Touchers, no need to call a gas man. We have quarried the stone ourselves, dragged the slabs hundreds of miles, and erected Sideromancers's column as you ordered!

Minions: dance the dance of the death dance!

Sure thing m'lord. We have danced the heavy dance of Death Metal.

Minions!! Go prevent The Brotherhood of Steel from establishing a foothold in New Orleans!

As you wish, lord. We have stolen your brother's hood and hidden it in New Orleans.

Minions! Erect a monument to my glory!

Scarab Sages

O most state-of-the-art iTyrant, we formed a committee to decide which of your many glorious moments was most glorious of them all, and came to the conclusion that it was the time you sat on your archnemesis's chimney and relieved yourself down it! Thus, we have built a massive statue of yourself in that moment, that all may see FOREVER!!!

Minions! Kidnap Santa Claus - but treat him nicely!

Dark Archive

Oh feared and terrible Lurker of Wardrobes, we made to kidnap the "Sandy Claws", but a trio of small creatures comprised of a skeleton, a hag, and a demon beat us to the red-furred yeti. We proceeded to leave mice treats for the crimson beast's elven minions.

Minions! Punch that Like Button in the face ... LIKE A BOSS!!!

As ordered, Sir! We shall punch each other in the face and Like It!

Minions, the peasants grow hungry. Keep starving them!

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