Goblet of Grim Panacea
I found myself liking this one, and it's one that I saw over and over again. But it was also the first of the bloody items I saw and I think the first evil one as well.
It was a cool effect and I don't see anything wrong with it mechanically. (But my rules fu is not my strong suit) It did seem like a major niche item though. This is for evil people prone to disease. I could see it being used a great deal by Chaotic Evil Hedonists though.
Which I may currently be playing one. Who would totally use this.
That was the general idea, an item that would be used by an evil or hedonistic society to ensure their rulers remain healthy, and also one that could be a corrupting influence for good rulers since they'd be tempted to just put blood in the goblet in leave it there, under guard.
I feel the item would have "come into its own" if I had the chance to show off the archetype I had been planning, a plague-based anti-paladin, but I didn't make the cut and when they added the "From the Riverlands" part it kind of shattered the idea anyway.
I'd rather give more in-depth feedback, and I know that if I went page by page doing each item, the quality of my feedback would lessen as time went on. So, I'll try to give in-depth feedback to the next three or so people who request it, as I don't know which items to start with.
If I am not too late to this particular party, I'd like another opinion on my Spellvoid Mantle.
Alright, Woodengolem and then Gio. It might take a while, but I'll get to them!
That was the general idea, an item that would be used by an evil or hedonistic society to ensure their rulers remain healthy, and also one that could be a corrupting influence for good rulers since they'd be tempted to just put blood in the goblet in leave it there, under guard.I feel the item would have "come into its own" if I had the chance to show off the archetype I had been planning, a plague-based anti-paladin, but I didn't make the cut and when they added the "From the Riverlands" part it kind of shattered the idea anyway.
I hear you there. One idea I was playing around with for my Monster (if I'd made it that far) was a Clockwork Zombie. Still might do it and post it up here for the folks that seemed to like my item.
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Curaigh, you've had my critique off-line but for the benefit of others... I love the color on this item -- Not only do you describe the item itself, but its effects are incredibly cinematic, I thought. The ghostly blue hounds unspooling and starting to chase...
I think you were probably just a victim of using a rules subset that a lot of people may not use. Unfortunately, I think that is one thing the new voting system will probably hurt as contestants are forced to try to be a little more mainstream.
I think you just needed to give us more. As is, it let an ally use someone else's class features, which didn't really seem to be breaking any new ground. Also, you write it can be worn over armor, which made me wonder if you were trying to imply it could be used in conjunction with magical armor. Even if not, it might've been a hint that you were treading in some dangerous space -- if I'm a cavalier, I'm going to want my magic armor more I think than I want this. That's one of the things to keep in mind with slots -- are you designing something that's going to compete with other items already in the game that everyone's going to want more than your item? If so, you may want to look elsewhere. This might've been slightly better as a banner, for example, though I think Isaac's criticisms right after you posted were fairly spot on too.
Unfortunately, I wasn't a fan of this. I think you did a solid job of making a wondrous item, but in the end it was a clairaudience/clairvoyance item and that didn't bring anything new to the game. I could probably see it in a book of magic items -- and heck, for that price, I'd certainly consider buying a half dozen -- but it's not something I'm sitting there thinking I *have* to have this.
Serious template problems have me already inclined against this item before I even look at word one, unfortunately.
In general, this seems like a pretty basic item, which gives you a bonus to a combat maneuver and the ability to do it without provoking an AoO (which I'm guessing is a feat already, though I'd have to look it up). I think your last power is by far the most interesting -- the ability to use secondary attacks for the combat maneuver -- but I wonder how that would affect game balance. I think without saying it's also got the -5 iterative penalties that an attack would have it could be really broken. After all, that means at high levels you could attack +20/+15/+10 and then, oh, a full CMB instead of a fourth attack at +5.
Also, I don't know if anyone's answered, but I think you can post your wife's item with her permission.
Another of this year's excellent winter items. I'm really curious what the first 2014 adventure path will be, because I'm totally designing for that. I don't know if Reign of Winter inspired all of you or it's just coincidence, but I want some of that magic.
I think this MAY have been hurt a bit by the bone meal aspect. If I hadn't read the Whitethrone entry in Cities of Golarion, I'd have been baffled by this. It's not like I really see bone meal anywhere else in the game and it was a bit off-putting.
I think it may also have started to feel a bit SAK by the end. You've got the blizzard ability, but then you get increased hex range AND DC before finally adding on a feat to it to boot. It was a strong theme, certainly, but I could see that being one of the things that made the judges ultimately take a pass on it.
Still, I really liked this one, and I'm not at all surprised it ended up in the Top 89.
Looking at your self-critique:
As far as I can tell the template is perfect. The only possible style/rules issue I noticed is two inches per round should possibly be a number, though I'm not sure about that (also, that's a SERIOUS storm -- you're talking 20 inches of snow by the end, which means you're probably left with difficult terrain for a while). Oh, and you do have an extraneous space before the period in one sentence.
I didn't at ALL think it was more of an NPC item. I totally would take this for any witch I played and it makes me want to play a winter witch even more.
I like the name. Honestly, I didn't even catch the punniness until you just mentioned it. That may say more about me, though.
I think the area of effect was OK, but as noted, I think you may well be right about the SAK by the end.
I don't recall seeing this while voting, but it feels like an NPC item to me. Granted, you certainly may have a home base or castle or tower at some point at higher levels, but generally, if they're home, they're not out adventuring. Just didn't seem that useful to me.
You wrote: I'm curious if you think I should have used a different spell requirement for each color fan. It seemed like a bit of an overly complicated idea to me, but I could be wrong. The effect I used was a modified form of Burning Hands, with different energy types and scaling damage. There was another spell in the pfsrd that I considered using called Dragon's Breath that had different energy type possibilities, but it was a 4th level spell, a much higher effect than I wanted to use on the fan, since I wanted the fan to be reusable and not exorbitantly expensive.
I think it probably would've gotten over complicated if you used a different spell for each color fan. I might instead have added the feat that lets you change energy type? (Though that would make me feel like the fan itself should change energy as opposed to the caster using it to change the energy when she made the fan...)
One of the swarm items, which unfortunately may have cost it against some of the top swarm items.
I like a lot of what you've got here. I don't think encumbrance was the right mechanic to use, though. It's not something I think a lot of people use (and seems odd for a swarm). I'd probably have done something like hold and slow (depending on whether they make the save).
I thought your one line -- holding them in place for a seal to be applied by any large flat surface -- was a bit awkward. What if I don't have a large flat surface? Looking at the other part of your mechanics -- letting bludgeoning weapons do swarm damage -- is a nice touch, I thought, though I wonder if it might be frustrating. I go to all the trouble to use this and ... I still can't use my awesome sword? Thematically it makes sense, but perhaps not the best choice?
I probably would have made this a once/day item. How often do you run into swarms, after all?
I'm not sure why the wax becoming brittle would let the swarm free -- and that what I'm assuming you mean, since you don't really tell me what happens with the wax becomes brittle.
Mechanically, the size categories should be uppercase, I believe.
Basically, I think you had a neat concept, but I think you might have limited yourself just a touch too much. Plus got caught behind another anti-swarm item that was Top 32.
The writing's a bit clunky, especially early on. That said, you've managed to gross me out a bit -- why would I want my character to put this nasty thing in my mouth?
Beyond that, it felt like some spells in a can, with a feat in a can thrown in. And the can is a nasty tooth that I don't want my character to have in her mouth.
"These simple, well made sandals show signs of heavy wear" isn't really a very exciting intro. And do they show signs of heavy wear even when they're brand new?
Try to avoid things that depend on skill rolls. It makes it far more valuable for a higher level character.
I thought the five mile limitation was definitely interesting, but I'm not sure it really works. Do I have to end up 5 miles away or merely walk 5 miles, even if it's in a circle in the dungeon I'm trapped in?
Page 8 done (I may try to power through the rest before the 5 p.m. reveal. If not, I will get to the rest of the items but it may have a little delay as I read the new material.)
Garter of Hidden Fortune Aura
You've got a spark of what's needed for this competition, but you've also got some problems that are holding you back.
Template. Maybe it was right when you submitted, but you need line breaks between things. This glared because you took the time to linkify spells but didn't get the template nailed. I'll quit harping on it now :)
"Notoriously difficult to find on a captured foe". This first part of the first sentence drove me bonkers. I get what you are doing, and I like the idea behind it, but that should NOT be your introduction. I don't want to know how difficult it is to find up front, I want description then mechanics...THEN fluff.
"and is adorned with tiny gems, lace and ribbons arranged to display a cryptic message, words of wisdom, or 25% of the time, the command words." I think it is grammatically correct...but darn if it wasn't hard to read and just seemed to go on like a run-on sentence. It may not be...but it gave that impression.
I also wasn't a fan that 25% of the time it has the command words. I'm not personally a fan of command words to begin with and it didn't make sense to me that a command word was needed for this item. That's why it is Wondrous...it just works.
Again...I don't like that you spend word count on saying "Another command word" to end the effect. The wearer can voluntarily end the effect is implicit with the command word system.
Kudos for mentioning that death ends the effect.
Even with a successful perception check it still can only be found half the time. OK...again I get what you are driving at but you're just not there with the writing or perhaps the mechanics. I would say something like an odd number d20 roll allows for a perception check with a +X to the DC to find it.
The word making ability is just...blah. Sorry, but I don't see the cool factor in this power and it seems disassociated.
I like the concept of being able to send teleport the garter with a timely item to an ally...that's fun and all. It should have ended there, as the +2 for the words thing is jarring and disassociative.
So you have to use a command word to activate it, but when it is not active it has those 3 other powers? Strange.
Overall, I wanted to like this item. You've got some good, creative ideas flowing here. You added links, which was cool and helpful, but ignored the template on some points which cost you because of the links. You have a theme, but you tried to add to it too much which resulted in something sloppily themed. Cut some of the powers (the words and the +2) and use the extra word count for cool imagery. The price is underpriced for this item, but not horribly so like some of the other items.
Work on your writing skills, mechanical skills, and tighten up your ideas. Cut what's unneccessary and distracting. You've got the talent, hope to see an entry from you next year!
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Just wanted to pop in and say I'm still planning on getting through all of these. I've just been swamped and haven't been able to get into the right mindset to provide good feedback. Hoping to get more up tonight, though.
Sorry to everyone still waiting!
Also thanks for all the feedback I've gotten so far and sorry I haven't responded previously.
Beguiling Bauble
Oh! I don't have time now for much commenting, but I really liked this one in the voting. Mostly, I feel like you got the thematics dead on the nose - and it's a theme I really enjoy. The progression of effects was simple, elegant, and had great thematic naming. And it does something new, interesting, resonant - and yet perfectly well-defined. I'm not saying it's flawless (though I'm not saying it isn't :P - I'm really just half-skimming it right now), but seriously, kudos.
Monastic Sheathe
I think your writing style is very easy to read and you described this item well enough that I could visualize it. It did leave me with a couple of questions though.
Not being overly familiar with monks, I was worried that this might be open to abuse by the number crunchers. At the same time, since flurry of blows uses two weapons, I felt like wrapping only one weapon seemed lopsided.
The biggest problem, for me, was the narrow focus: weapon using monks. No others need apply. For everyone else, this is just a rag.
I did like how the power grew with different types of weapons though. I'm a big fan of magic that gets better, but I know not everyone is. Anyway, you did get a vote or two from me, if I recall correctly.
Thank you - flurries have now been clarified to only require one weapon. I thought being able to flurry any weapon for 10 minutes at 5000 gp was reasonable. The duration would increase with ki-based weapons, which I think is appropriate - and incidentally that is a sort of "cost" for longer durations.
True, of course, that it is just for monks - but in exchange the item opens up wholly new monk concepts; which is one of the primary criteria for me with respect to good items.
Thanks again :)
Shard of Necrocyte
(Just my opinion.) You have a couple of formatting errors, the spells should be written in italics. I think the flavor and initial activation description should be swapped - leading with evocative imagery works best to draw in the reader.
You apparently determined the DC of 15 arbitrarily, typically it should be calculated of the spells used, for example: cause fear is a level 1 spell requiring a minimum casting attribute of 11. That means the minimum DC for that spell is 11 and that is what typically would be used. Likewise desecrate would have a DC of 13. If you want to increase the DC then this is handled by using Heightened metamagic (with a corresponding increase in item cost), and requiring that feat in the construction.
The item has a not-too-original effect, but there are any number of foes (or PCs) that would use the item. After fixing the layout and formatting you're left with an okay item that, in my opinion, doesn't push the envelope enough - but makes for a passable item.
I want to thank Nazard, Jerry Keyes, Eric Morton, Jacob W. Michael, Feros, Clouds without Water for their critique on Mantle of a Thousand Hands. Your feedback was insightful. It inspires me to iterate on the design again, if only for fun.
And here are my thoughts on a few more items that made my Keep folder.
** spoiler omitted **...
I understand the feeling, but keep in mind that our design goals were very different. I was mainly concerned with making a fun item that could have utility without breaking the game. You went for a more practical approach of presenting an item that solved a problem.
I think you made the right decision making it a weapon cord. It kept the item focused on its purpose. If you make an item that has variants, I would suggest submitting one variant as an example, rather than submitting the plain version. That way, you can spark your viewer's imaginations on what the item is capable of.
Surcoat of Accord - Your instinct is right, it was too basic an item. Nothing wrong with it, it just needed to go bigger. Nice name.
Thanks, Clouds. I appreciate the critique. Glad you liked the name- I had a couple that I went back and forth over, and that's the one that seemed the most descriptive and eye catching.
I think you just needed to give us more. As is, it let an ally use someone else's class features, which didn't really seem to be breaking any new ground. Also, you write it can be worn over armor, which made me wonder if you were trying to imply it could be used in conjunction with magical armor. Even if not, it might've been a hint that you were treading in some dangerous space -- if I'm a cavalier, I'm going to want my magic armor more I think than I want this. That's one of the things to keep in mind with slots -- are you designing something that's going to compete with other items already in the game that everyone's going to want more than your item? If so, you may want to look elsewhere. This might've been slightly better as a banner, for example, though I think Isaac's criticisms right after you posted were fairly spot on too.
Yeah, I wanted to try and do something mechanically different, but a lot of the ideas I had I ended up later finding something that already covered that ground (albeit in most cases for a different class), so I kept going back to the drawing board. The most innovative idea in this entry was having the surcoat (and it's heraldry) function identically as a banner, which I thought was cool.
My intent was that the surcoat could be worn over armor- like the Druid's Vestment or similar body slot items. Thus, it could work with magical armor, and would be an additional buff; it's also why I shied away from giving any armor bonuses with it (or with an Inquisitor's Cossack, which I also considered), because I didn't want it to be shrugged off as being armor, not a wondrous item.
I think part of my problem was getting hung up on trying to fit one particular item niche ("Hey! A surcoat's never been done before!"). I did later find that tabards have been done (including one that was similar to my original idea). I think I stifled my own creativity.
I'd also considered making individual surcoats to represent each Cavalier Order, but I started to get over my word count, so went back to the drawing board.
As always, though, I appreciate the criticism- both on my item, and everyone else's. Those of you who have been dedicated and kind enough to bull through the abundance of items in this thread and give your feedback, you are truly impressive and appreciated!
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I'm really late to this party, and don't expect anyone to take the time, BUT if someone wants to comment go ahead:
Dragonstink
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 2,400 gp; Weight ½ lb.
Description
Mixed from the scent gland of a dragon, a jar full of this jelly contains enough for a single application. Covering a humanoid fully with this unguent will mask his scent from dragons of the chosen type. While the dragon may still detect the user with a perception check, blindsense will not allow the dragon to automatically pinpoint them. Additionally, as dragons are immune to their own type of breath, the oil will provide immunity to a single blast of dragon breath before evaporating. Each type of Dragonstink will only provide this protection from the same type of dragon the scent gland was collected from. It’s effect lasts for ten hours or until the user is the target of dragon breath, at which time the unguent evaporates.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Confusion, Protection from Energy; Cost 1,200 gp
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Motley Gum
Cost: 10 2d6 attacks for 500 gp? Better than 10 acid flasks/alchemist's fire due to reduced action econmy needs. But I think the random factor negates that.
Impression: I didn't like the flavour text and wasn't a big fan of the last paragraph, as they were too specific to goblins. I almost threw this into the joke item bin due to that.|
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
aka FaxCelestis
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I'm really late to this party, and don't expect anyone to take the time, BUT if someone wants to comment go ahead:
Dragonstink
This is out of order with the other reviews (I'm still planning on going back and hitting the other items when I get a chance), but I saw this item and I felt it fell prey to the "not a wondrous item" bit. This seemed more like it should've been an alchemical item rather than a magical one.
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This is out of order with the other reviews (I'm still planning on going back and hitting the other items when I get a chance), but I saw this item and I felt it fell prey to the "not a wondrous item" bit. This seemed more like it should've been an alchemical item rather than a magical one.I'm really late to this party, and don't expect anyone to take the time, BUT if someone wants to comment go ahead:
Dragonstink
That was something I worried about, and went through the wondrous item section to make sure before I chose to go ahead with it. A lot of the elixers do dance that line and yours is a perfectly valid decision. Thank you for the input!
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Gloves of the Eldritch Duelist
Wording: Really Cheapy, I wouldn't expect an "of the" item from you. Did you accidently?
Impression: This item was part of my personal Top 32. Yes, I had to look up dueling counters and mnemonic crystals to understand this item fully. I am glad I did because I really like the dueling counter.The unused spell slots probably threw alot of people since they don't leave any open when they prepare spells (or know you can do that, due to poor rules fu). Made perfect sense to me, since I usually leave a slot or two free just in case, especially for utility spells.
rant
I get the feeling from reading various posts, quite a few voters were too lazy to actually research the items under their review and just voted after 60 seconds, regardless of whether they understood the items or not. This is one of the items I feel suffered due to this. Yes, I made champion voter, but I tried to grok every item before voting. Even the one that made no sense after 15 minutes of rereading/researching and thankfully disappeared post cull...
I read one post by some [redacted] that had an arbitraty gp value and he didn't vote for items above that value.
/rant
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And here's Page 9.
As you suspected, just a bit too vanilla, plus slightly odd mix of effects. Still, your template use and mechanics look spot on, so just bring some more sundae toppings next year.
Glad to see you submitted for the first time; can't win if you don't try.
Unfortunately, I thought this was a pretty basic clairaudience/clairvoyance item, which I pretty much was against from the start. Just not original enough, though you did try to add some nice mechanics. I'd also work on your proofing a bit. For example, "The mirrors view" should be possessive...
A little pedestrian, though there's some neat possibilities in here. I kind of wanted to know what it would require to put on an unwilling animal, since you say it doesn't make the animal friendly. That seemed like a way I could try to use Diplomacy. Would it work with a magical beast?
The last suite of powers feels a bit like you suddenly turned into a spell-in-a-can Swiss army knife.
My first reaction is "wow, I bet that name is right on the nose." It leaves no doubt what the item is or what it will do, but it's also not particularly magical.
You try to pain some nice color, but unfortunately, phrases like this can be tricky: "Some form of ancient, long dead language." I have a spell that lets me comprehend languages, so simply saying it's long-dead doesn't really help.
Then you write what happens when an evil spellcaster uses it, so I immediately think this is probably something more intended for NPCs than PCs (the occasional evil PC aside). The 40-pound weight emphasizes that -- this probably isn't something I'm going to haul around with me to adventure with.
Finally, it's more or less a SIAC. You add on the desecrate effect at the end, which is actually a nice addition, but it's still basically create undead in a cauldron.
In the first 23 words, you repeat a form of wicked and ritualistic, which really disrupts the flow. Try reading your item out loud (make sure no one's around; otherwise you sound a bit silly) to see how it sounds, since that's something that's going to throw a reader right off the bat. Then you give me an origin aspect, which isn't really done for wondrous items.
I guess your powers felt a bit like a feat in a can. I think you thought of a lot of good caveats to avoid a lot of abuse (nothing over 9th level, for example), but just failed to spark my imagination.
That said, I think you've got some imagination -- I like the fact that it was cold to the touch and those details you included. I thought an athame was an interesting choice for a base item, and I do sort of like the scar it leaves though this year I think it could have been seen as one of the gore items.
I wasn't a big fan of any of the quiver items, since I just think there's sort of limited effects with them. This basically imbues the arrows with a couple more powers. Just not that exciting to me.
That said, I really like the seasons motif. It occurs in a couple series I like (Jim Butcher's Dresden Files and Michele West's books) and I think it's a great fantasy trope -- I think I even alluded to it in my failed monster entry last year. I'd love to see something else playing with that, but I don't think this is it.
Also, I'm not sure the name quite works. I get weather and seasons, but they're not the same. After all, it can be sunny in winter or summer (or spring or fall, for that matter). Going with your theme, maybe seasoned quiver would have worked better, though that makes me think salt and pepper, not seasons of the year.
I think your self-criticisms are generally correct.
One other thing I'd add is you note that it's an alchemical light. But it should be magic. When you give it a real explanation like this, I think it's an alchemical item, not a wondrous item (especially since the noise makes me think you've actually got some sort of little generator hidden in here).
Welcome to the competition! Good for you for entering!
Ouch. First paragraph has me wincing and wondering WHY I'd put this on.
Powers seem like they basically give me twice as many actions per round, since I'm now two characters. Not a wise design choice.
The drawback's basically useless. There's no reason I can't put this on a half-dozen times while I'm safe until I've gotten myself used to it.
Additionally, I'm not sure the name works. I like that you're going with an iron maiden theme, but calling it a maiden instead of a mask or helm makes it a bit awkward to read in your description.
I think you brought some imagination to the party, but try to keep game balance in mind for next time.
Just seems too much. How many times do you leave yourself open for an attack of opportunity while healing someone? Five a day probably covers all of them. Also, it's rife for abuse by just saying it negates the attack. I'd probably put my healer there to cast some minor heal spell to try to draw AoO from my foe so I could have the tank do something without worrying about it (unless my foe has combat reflexes).
Before I look at anything beyond the name, I'm expecting something that grants three wishes but will twist them somehow to make it a curse (i.e. be a GM). Now, I don't actually expect that's what you'll give me, since that's TOO derivative, but it's what you've set me up to expect. Let's see what you actually do.
Instead you've basically given me skill bonuses, which aren't very exciting at all.
You've added in a lot of Golarion flavor, but a lot of it reads as back story. Remember, my character could make these items, so that back story is somewhat irrelevant. (Though I understand where you're coming from; I was thinking of a Mwangi mask of some sort and I really wanted to include similar details, but you need to just let them stay in your head.)
Finally, your template is wrong. Why did you move aura/CL and slot/price/weight down below the description? That's not how the provided example works, which makes it even more frustrating since you got all the BBC coding correct.
I don't recall seeing this one in my voting.
Off the bat, I kind of like the name. I'm not a big fan of "of" constructions in my naming, but this has me intrigued.
And your description intrigues me more. I like the cold line especially -- I love when people think of the other senses in their descriptions.
Unfortunately, then you kind of veer off into SAK territory. For me, whenever I see "finally" I feel like it's a sign that it's just adding power after power on. I think the key to this one is the limited healing, which I like a lot. I'd toss everything else and keep just that. I think it *could* make people think it's more of an NPC item (my PCs certainly try to not let things get away), but having it to toss out against something with regeneration or fast healing would really be a huge boon for a PC.
Also, I also don't know what happens if I lose some of the bones. I think I might've tried to make it a consumable, so someone who's hit with one of the bones suffers its effects, but that's just a gut reaction.
Not sure I like the halfling focus of this one, which seems strange to me. I don't really associate halflings and constables.
I think the mechanics are a bit wonky. What happens if someone's charging one of my allies. I use the interrupt function and what? He doesn't get to make that attack because he can't get to me that round? He attacks but with the -1 penalty and then has to come after me? Just wasn't clear to me how this would work mechanically.
Whoa! Expensive. I tend to lean toward lower-price items (after all, per the wealth by level table, I couldn't afford this until 14th level and then I'm only going to have about 4,000 gp worth of other gear) and I think after going through the competition, I feel it even more strongly.
Moving on, plain silver necklace. I'm not really being drawn in here.
And finally, you're basically giving me numerical bonuses, which isn't exciting. And I'm assuming I get both abilities if I'm chaotic/lawful good/evil, but it's not really clear. Also, am I just screwed if I'm neutral? Why? That hardly seems fair.
I like the idea of improving shape shifting, but this isn't really doing that for me, unfortunately. Sorry.
Man, some two-time Top 32 folks are REALLY needy! I suppose I shouldn't expect anything more from someone in the Philly burbs. : D
I think obviously you went with the right choice, though this is a neat item. I think the length of time it takes was way too long. I'd have made it start emitting its fog after a full round. I know everything doesn't need to be a combat item, but it adds utility.
You've obviously got a ton of attention to detail such as what happens with combining certain liquids (though fortunately, I could still make my cinnamon-sugar fog, which would be awesome).
Not a fan of the name. It turned me off right off the bat.
You kind of go right into what the vest does, without giving me any details. OK, it's simple and green and ... that's it? I could see pixie wings being embroidered on the back, or having it covered with pixie dust or something to separate it from an actual simple green vest.
Happy thought? This just seemed like an odd fluff for an activating mechanic. It's not Peter Pan.
Finally, it's just a monster in a can, basically turning you into a pixie. You're not bringing any innovation here, just copying mechanics/powers that are already in the game. I'm sure it could be a very useful item, but it's just not very Superstar, I'm sorry to say.
Name's interesting. It's evocative, but at the same time doesn't give me a clue what the item is. Still, I think in this case I did like it -- it's cool enough that it overcame the problem with not telling me what it is. But that's a fine balancing act when you choose to do that.
Basically, I think it just ended up being too much of a niche product. How many PCs end up as lycanthropes? Furthermore, I couldn't quite tell what the item was intended for. If it's not to control adversaries, why would I wear this willingly if it prevents me from voluntarily changing?
Hey Rykka, good for you for taking the step of entering! That's great!
I think your self-critique was pretty good, but it's in your designer notes where I find my problem with the item. You write about it as a way to extend plots and ultimately, that's what it felt like to me: a plot device. I could certainly see it as a COOL plot device (come upon a lantern and have to help the soul inside solve what happened to it; ph and you only have a few days left before the soul dissipates forever, but if you help it, it'll give you the secret location of its treasure, etc. etc.) but in the end it didn't feel like something I'd find a regular use for in my games. (Of course, as a GM, I do my best to simply knock my characters unconscious, not kill them so that aspect you talk about of keeping a player involved wasn't really a factor in my decision.)
Thanks, Ariax! It's much appreciated. : )
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Beardforge
Impression: Ah, the beardforge, I had a good laugh over this item. It was so ridiculous I assumed it had to be a joke item. This item was at the top of my reject item list and never received a single vote from me. I couldn't degrade myself to do so.
Joke reasoning:Who carries a 20 lb anvil?
Iron anvil with steel jars full of diamond tipped scissors and combs...
Comedic item activation.
Ridiculoous Profession skill (except maybe Cheliax or Taldor).
Cost versus potential bonuses gained.
Garret, I liked your item last year, not only was this item a huge leap backwards, it was a disapointment for me to see this as your best idea for a submission.
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Inger's Tactical Toadstools
Aura varies; CL varies
Slot none; Price 25 gp (brown), 1400 gp (green), 750 gp (yellow), 25 gp (purple), Weight -
Description
Each mushroom has a power associated with the type of fungi, mold, or slime that it was created from. It is usable once and can be thrown as a ranged touch attack with a range increment of 10 feet.
Brown: Creates an instantaneous burst of energy with a range of 5 feet that deals 1 point of nonlethal cold damage. Faint evocation; CL 1st, Craft Wondrous Item, ray of frost.
Green: Forms a patch of green slime that covers an area of 5 feet or one creature dealing 1d6 points of Constitution damage per round against flesh or 2d6 points of damage per round against wood or metal (ignoring metal's hardness but not that of wood). It does not harm stone. The slime lasts until its original target is destroyed or the slime is destroyed. Moderate conjuration; CL 7th, Craft Wondrous Item, touch of slime.
Yellow: Forms an instantaneous cloud of poisonous yellow mold spores causing all creatures within 10 feet to make a DC 14 Fortitude save or take 1d3 points of Constitution damage. Another DC 14 Fortitude save is required once per round for the next 5 rounds, to avoid taking 1d3 points of Constitution damage each round. A successful Fortitude save ends this effect. Faint necromancy; CL 5th, Craft Wondrous Item, poison.
Purple: Creates an instantaneous burst of piercing sound. Any creature within 50 feet receives a free saving throw to overcome any ongoing sonic or auditory effects. Faint illusion; CL 1st, Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sound.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, additional spells, see text; Cost 12 gp 5 sp (brown), 700 gp (green), 375 gp (yellow), 12 gp 5 sp (purple)
Thank you for the opportunity to receive feedback.
Spectral Mirror: Glad to see you submitted for the first time; can't win if you don't try.
Unfortunately, I thought this was a pretty basic clairaudience/clairvoyance item, which I pretty much was against from the start. Just not original enough, though you did try to add some nice mechanics. I'd also work on your proofing a bit. For example, "The mirrors view" should be possessive...
Thank you for taking the time to critique my item :) Now to find out what 'possessive' means...
Edit; Ah! Yes. Thank you.
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Paper Messenger
Impression: My favorite of the commo items! And added to my war campaign item folder. Just hope it soesn't fly through any rain or fly by a cleric with create water ready. But how does one fortify paper? Unless ironwood affects it...
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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Fan, Dragonscale
Cost: Poorly done. A minor ring of energy resistance costs 12k and uses a slot, that doubles your price alone. Plus your item adds damage on top of that, worth more than the remaining 2k in price difference (again slotless).
Impression: I swear this was an item in a Rokugan(sp?) game I played using 3.0 rules. I liked thfact this item had 3 variations and the dragons accounted for. Disliked "harmless-looking". At least it couldn't be used as a fighting fan or that would have increased price even more.
Ok here are some critiques for things at the current end of the thread, since I bet that it will take forever for most of the reviewers to get down here, if at all.
...
Gnomish Humming Spanner
Its a sonic screwdriver, I get the joke. That turned me off to it right off the bat. It also strays a little into SAK territory with all of those rather disparate features. Lastly, there is no compelling reason to restrict construction to gnomes, even if "gnomish" is in the name. A slightly better defense could be mounted for the skill ranks, but those probably don't belong in the requirements either.Verdict: It came off as a joke item to me, sorry.
I very much appreciate you taking the time to look at and review my item, Saint Caleth.
In my mind, this item was not really intended to be a joke item, although I certainly understand some people feel that it is. In this, my first year of the competition, I was very concerned with being able to follow the template design and master the various elements of professional grammar, punctuation, proper use of capitalization and italics, as well as making a mechanically sound item with a price that seemed to fit the function. Admittedly the content of the actual item was a bit secondary.
I am a long time fan of the Dragonlance setting. In that fantasy world, gnomes are much more mechanically inclined than they are in the Pathfinder setting. I do, however, imagine that a gnome, who was obsessed with mechanical type things in Golarion would probably want to invent one of these items, and would covet it's secrets highly.
I also borrowed the the physical shape, appearance, and special effect from the sonic screwdriver, because it is theoretically the ultimate multitool. To me, this item was basically the same thing. The tool to end the need for any other tools, so that is how I skinned it for general consumption.
I definitely appreciate, your thoughts, and thank you again, SC! If anyone has any comments regaring the mechanics of the item, the construction of the template, or other thoughts behind the crunchy bits, please let me know. I want to refine these areas during the year and then couple that with a much more original and fleshed out item for next year's RPGSS.
@Ariax
Thanks and...yep you're spot on. I played it waaaay too safe.
Page 10 items!
Thanks for taking the time to look at my item, Clouds Without Water, and for giving me a little feedback.
The fact that tools are an underdeveloped area of focus in the Wondrous Item world was a bit of an accident. I wasn't particularly thinking of that when I made my item, however, it's a great point, and probably deserves some additional attention in the future.
The humming quality of the item, comes from a few places. First, we always hear about how magical items look, sometimes how they smell, but not as often how they sound (unless they are some kind of horn or musical instrument).
Secondly, my favorite gnomes from literature come from the Dragonlance RPG setting. They were a race of tinkerers who were constantly coming up with bigger, "better", and often more complicated inventions. Noise was a common feature of these items, and frequently you heard them before you saw them.
Thirdly, a borrowed the physical appearance and shape of the item from the sonic screwdriver as presented in the television series, Doctor Who, which also makes sound when it is used, so I just went ahead and tossed that in as well.
From a construction side to it. Nothing in the required construction involves a spell or a material that makes a lot of noise. I am wondering if I should have added a sound related spell to the construction requirements....although I'm not exactly sure which one I would have used.
Ointment of Last Sight
This was an "of" item that I actually quite liked having the "of" in the name. You've got some good naming ability. You also have some very good theming and tightness to your writing.
I liked that you rub it on BOTH hands and eyes and grasp the object.
It had a very cinematic quality to it.
It was...really well done.
What happened? I honestly think it just wasn't jazzy enough for the voters. It was slightly plot itemish. I don't know that I would be using this often, but for the price it wouldn't really matter if I never did.
It also could cause kind of a headache for GM's.
Your template was only slightly off, comma in the price $$ is missing. Errata for the dashes vs. none.
Overall, I think this was very much like my Intellectual's Clay Pipe. It is a solid, generic book of magic items type of item. Apply your skills to the wildly flavorful and you've got a Round 2 ticket next year.
Tabard of Cunning Tactics
You've got skill. Serious skill. You've got flavorful words. You lead right off with "Emblazoned with" and that sets a spectacular image in my head.
I mean...I'm going to devote a 2nd line to how awesomely flavored your item was.
You've got it tight and themed. I can't comment on these aspects, because I feel like you've already got a handle on it so well that I should be learning from you!
You don't mention it, but does it stack with some of the Teamwork Feats things? Would it work with Followers from Leadership?
I would probably rewrite the sentence "If the flanker cannot fit safely into the new space without squeezing, would be teleported into an occupied space or into a space he could not normally stand within, the effect fails." to be: "The effect fails if the flanker cannot fit safely into the new space without squeezing or would be teleported into an occupied space." The "normally stand within" is a bit redundant with the squeezing part.
You are awesome for taking into account bigger than Medium size creatures.
Overall, I just don't know when I wouldn't sell this thing. It is very cool, but I don't see any character keeping it unless they are very specialized in buffing their comrades and have lots of AC and HP to spare. That might be what threw people off is the fact that you are turning someone who is probably a fighter into a defender, if that makes sense.
Hey Rykka, good for you for taking the step of entering! That's great!
I think your self-critique was pretty good, but it's in your designer notes where I find my problem with the item. You write about it as a way to extend plots and ultimately, that's what it felt like to me: a plot device. I could certainly see it as a COOL plot device (come upon a lantern and have to help the soul inside solve what happened to it; ph and you only have a few days left before the soul dissipates forever, but if you help it, it'll give you the secret location of its treasure, etc. etc.) but in the end it didn't feel like something I'd find a regular use for in my games. (Of course, as a GM, I do my best to simply knock my characters unconscious, not kill them so that aspect you talk about of keeping a player involved wasn't really a factor in my decision.)
A fair judgment to be sure, and something I will endeavor to avoid in the future. I am the GM in 90% of our games, so it just felt natural (obviously too much so!) to use an item that both sides of the table could embrace. In doing so, I didn't really consider how much it could be one-sided at some tables with vastly different playstyles.
While I totally stand by how fun the item is to have in many circumstances and games, you are absolutely correct that doesn't make it inline with the contest or the expectations if it falls too far into Plot Device territory.
Can't thank you enough for your time and critique, I will try to do better next year!
Page 10 items!The file I'm saving these in is called "mojo risin". I must be getting tired.
Wheel Caps of the Geist March - Never saw this while voting. The name is a little unwieldy. I wonder if voters thought it reminded them of real-world blingy hubcaps from the description. The fog effect is kind of neat, but ultimately minor. This item provides a nice atmosphere (thinking of old silent movie The Phantom Carriage, or the carriage in Dracula), but I don't think judges and voters go for items that are primarily atmospheric.
Yeah I thought creating an 'atmosphere' would help rather then hurt. And yes those and other horror movies were what inspired my idea. The spooky carriage in the fog, figures in the mist, etc. I didn't think people would think they were low rider rims or something.
Constable’s Garish Vestments:
Not sure I like the halfling focus of this one, which seems strange to me. I don't really associate halflings and constables.
I think the mechanics are a bit wonky. What happens if someone's charging one of my allies. I use the interrupt function and what? He doesn't get to make that attack because he can't get to me that round? He attacks but with the -1 penalty and then has to come after me? Just wasn't clear to me how this would work mechanically.
Thanks for the review! I did fear people wouldn't get the flavor and/or the mechanics. "Constable" comes from the "Constable's nail" in Halflings of Golarion and the garish nature of the uniform comes from the fact that Halflings are described as wearing muted clothes so as not to be noticed. The mechanic should function in the same way as compel hostility, so if a player doesn't know how this works then they don't know how compel hostility works (which, I suppose, is valid; compel hostility is not worded as well as it could be).
My pleasure, Rykka. I'll look forward to seeing it!
Whale Cancer, and I think that might be the danger of weaving TOO much Golarion info into your item. I haven't really looked through that book, so I was slightly confused about some of those details. I think campaign setting details are like spice, where too much is a huge problem, but the right amount works perfectly. (I avoided using the name of a skymetal in my item, for example, because I was afraid no one would know what it was.)
I think the wonky mechanics come in because the spell makes it be a creature that's already threatening you. So basically it's just redirecting an attack. With yours letting the target be at range, it could force him to completely lose an attack as he has to move close to you. Now maybe that's something you want but if so I think it needs to be spelled out.
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Could we please get a separate subfolder within the RPG Superstar message board for this thread next year? People want and appreciate feedback on their submissions and many people are very gracious to review and provide feedback on submissions. But having a gajillion items in a single thread creates a very unwieldy thread. I suspect people would be more inclined to provide feedback and exchanges would be easier about specific items if we were not all crunched into this single thread.
Stuff
Re: the flavor, see my response to Jacob W. Michaels a few posts above. I understand why it might be thought of as bringing Kender themes into Golarion, but I think it fits with certain information given in Halflings of Golarion.
Whale Cancer, and I think that might be the danger of weaving TOO much Golarion info into your item. I haven't really looked through that book, so I was slightly confused about some of those details. I think campaign setting details are like spice, where too much is a huge problem, but the right amount works perfectly. (I avoided using the name of a skymetal in my item, for example, because I was afraid no one would know what it was.)
Agree. I will be less obscure/specific next year.
I think the wonky mechanics come in because the spell makes it be a creature that's already threatening you. So basically it's just redirecting an attack. With yours letting the target be at range, it could force him to completely lose an attack as he has to move close to you. Now maybe that's something you want but if so I think it needs to be spelled out.
The intent it to redirect any attack which the wearer of the vestment would be a legal target for, having no effect on attacks which could not be redirected at the wearer. I think these forms of taunt mechanics can be hard to word (the existing ones are fairly verbose), so it is something of a challenge to make it succinct. I'll be working on keeping my rules text tight for next year.
Thanks again for the feedback!
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Dragonstink
(Just my opinion.) I've actually voted in favor of this item several times. It has the qualities of an item that should exist in the very core roleplaying book: it has that fundamental archetypal dragon encounter thing that is the basis for the game we play. That said, it unfortunately isn't really more than that - meaning it has the qualities of a fundamental item, but not a superstar item. Format and presentation are good.
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Hey Rykka, good for you for taking the step of entering! That's great!
I think your self-critique was pretty good, but it's in your designer notes where I find my problem with the item. You write about it as a way to extend plots and ultimately, that's what it felt like to me: a plot device. I could certainly see it as a COOL plot device (come upon a lantern and have to help the soul inside solve what happened to it; ph and you only have a few days left before the soul dissipates forever, but if you help it, it'll give you the secret location of its treasure, etc. etc.) but in the end it didn't feel like something I'd find a regular use for in my games. (Of course, as a GM, I do my best to simply knock my characters unconscious, not kill them so that aspect you talk about of keeping a player involved wasn't really a factor in my decision.)
A fair judgment to be sure, and something I will endeavor to avoid in the future. I am the GM in 90% of our games, so it just felt natural (obviously too much so!) to use an item that both sides of the table could embrace. In doing so, I didn't really consider how much it could be one-sided at some tables with vastly different playstyles.
While I totally stand by how fun the item is to have in many circumstances and games, you are absolutely correct that doesn't make it inline with the contest or the expectations if it falls too far into Plot Device territory.
Can't thank you enough for your time and critique, I will try to do better next year!
This.
The year I made it in was a year I was playing much more then GMing. I feel that colored my ideas and help me end up with something much better than my entry this year. I still think it was nifty, but not as wow. It has made me resolve to try to get in more player time to help me come up with ideas for next year. Good luck to you next year.| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Clockwork Heart
The first thing that I noticed is that it's cheaper than Raise Dead and if the key is wound every day, it's clearly a better option than raise dead. Just give the key to the party member to be raised. Immediately, that's a knock against the item in my eyes. It's also a bit strange that it subverts the whole soul aspect of raise dead, where the soul has departed, and can refuse to be raised. This device would then force the soul to come back, and it doesn't really explain how it does that.
If it isn't wound, eventually they become a zombie. Yet the item also says that "this does not grant any effects of the undead type" yada ya. This is a bit weird and I believe you mean that's the case when the heart is still working.
The visuals are fairly striking though. I'm sure most people thought of frankenstein's monster, which helps the imagery out.
Sorry that it's not quite as in-depth as the other. I've been trying to think of things to say about this all day, and I'm not doing so hot. So, I'm cutting my (imaginary) loses.
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bb]Gloves of the Eldritch Duelist[/b]
Hai, that name was intentional to draw parallels to that item. And Gloves of Eldritch Dueling is lame.
And did you know that rules-wise "unused spell slots" can mean both "spell slots you didn't fill that morning" and "spells you haven't cast yet"? Because I wasn't cognizant of this fact until a couple minutes ago.
My item was hurt by the rules not making up their mind on what to call those. Curse you Bulmahn!
Eyes of the Precognitive
Aura moderate divination; CL 9th
Slot Eyes; Price 5,000 gp; Weight —
Description
These round mirrored lenses are mounted to a thin silver frame and are normally quite inconspicuous. However, when infused with divining magic they can slightly bend the very fabric of time and their true nature becomes obvious.
As a swift action and/or part of an initiative check, a prepared spell caster can “lose” an arcane divination spell she has memorized or a spontaneous caster can “lose” one daily spell of a level in which she knows an arcane divination spell to activate the glasses. While activated, the mirrored side of the lenses reflects the world a fraction of a second after things actually occur and the wearer’s side displays the world a fraction of a second before events occur. This provides the wearer with an insight bonus to initiative and armor class equal to level of the spell sacrificed. These effects last one minute per level of spell sacrificed or until the glasses are removed from the wearer.
Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, anticipate peril, arcane sight; Cost 2,500 gp
Clockwork Heart
The first thing that I noticed is that it's cheaper than Raise Dead and if the key is wound every day, it's clearly a better option than raise dead. Just give the key to the party member to be raised. Immediately, that's a knock against the item in my eyes. It's also a bit strange that it subverts the whole soul aspect of raise dead, where the soul has departed, and can refuse to be raised. This device would then force the soul to come back, and it doesn't really explain how it does that.
If it isn't wound, eventually they become a zombie. Yet the item also says that "this does not grant any effects of the undead type" yada ya. This is a bit weird and I believe you mean that's the case when the heart is still working.
The visuals are fairly striking though. I'm sure most people thought of frankenstein's monster, which helps the imagery out.
Sorry that it's not quite as in-depth as the other. I've been trying to think of things to say about this all day, and I'm not doing so hot. So, I'm cutting my (imaginary) loses.
No need for apology. Thanks for taking the time!
I had actually put that stuff about not the undead type in to prevent trying to gain extra templates and whatnot.
Next time I think I'm gonna try and be better with my words. Maybe less wonky with playing with the rules.
^Saint Caleth
I am grateful for your review, as it will help hone my writing. Likewise, I truly appreciate your compliments and accurate flaw noting. Finally, I approve of and wish to be a zealot in your crusade, where do I sign up?
To answer a few questions:
My think was that a light show is at least as disadvantageous to Stealthing as glitterdust? The only working after both powers were previously activate was odd rules territory, thematically I wanted it to link to the 'chiaroscuro' thing, while mechanically I was hoping for a risk payoff.
Starflight is a Monster Ability, I've use shantak's as an example of it's usage below.
"Starflight (Su)
A shantak can survive in the void of outer space. It flies through space at an incredible speed. Although exact travel times vary, a trip within a single solar system should take 3d20 hours, while a trip beyond should take 3d20 days (or more, at the GM’s discretion)—provided the shantak knows the way to its destination. Shantaks speak in a shrill voice that sounds like glass grinding against stone. They are intelligent creatures and cannot be trained as mounts—a would-be shantak rider must use diplomacy or magic to secure a shantak’s cooperation as a mount, and even then, shantaks have a tendency to deliberately strand riders in dangerous areas."
Spell Void Mantle
Your item entertained me and I plan to use it in an upcoming game. I appreciate the touch about noqual, et al. You used exsiting rules in innovative ways and kept it simple. I guess my best advice is to put more mojo into description and fluff, since your design is ace.
^Clouds Without Water
Seems the name really was a hit, glad it brought you joy. Your review certainly returned that favor. With my imagery strong, what would you advise my next step be. I was hoping to avoid GM headaches / giving plots away by avoiding the map give perfect knowledge, but I can see it the other way.
I was curious what you mean about the scaling your referred to?
Skin-thief Fetish
Saw-toothed typically has a dash in it. Unlike the text of skinsend, you never specify that the skin itself peels off the corpse. It seems a trifle inexpensive. I don't think it was really gory enough to turn the voters away, not like some I've seen, so while dancing on the community stage, remember it's okay to take risks.
^Cheapy
I'd love if you can find a moment to glance at my Chiaroscuro Astrarium, at some point.
Summoning Siphon
Basing off of the dismiss action: Smart. That isn't used all that often, and it's an interesting take. Making this a swift action also shows a good grasp of the rules, and is one of the few times where swift action activations are a good idea. Having to get this item out as a move action and use dismiss as a standard is a great reason for the swift.
If I were doing this, I may include a section about how randomly found ones could contain a summon spell of a certain level.
All that said, this is pretty potent. The ability to save up level 6 spells for later use is pretty powerful, even given the price tag. If I wanted to make sure I won a battle, I'd pre-prepare some of these. At higher levels, the ability to drop a lot of meatshields, or say Lantern Archons, would probably outweigh the cost.
One thing that was smart was to limit it to a 6th level spell, not summon monsters from the 6th level spell's list. This means that you can have 1 6th level, 1d3 5th levels, and 1d4+1 fourth levels, which does help a bit. Also, it doesn't work with the summoner's SLA. Whoo!
Here's mine, I'd love some feedback:
Jaws of Reptilian Thrashing
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot Head; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This iron harness is studded with rune etched crocodile teeth, and when worn over the lower jaw, forces the wearer’s face into a ghastly grin.
The wearer gains a bite attack as a primary natural attack. This attack deals 1d4 points of piercing damage for a Medium wearer or 1d3 points of damage for a Small wearer. If the wearer already has a bite attack, the damage of that bite attack increases by one step.
In addition, when grappling a foe of its size or smaller, the wearer can perform a death roll upon successfully maintaining the grapple. As it clings to its foe, it tucks in its legs and rolls rapidly, twisting and wrenching its victim. The wearer inflicts its bite damage and knocks the creature prone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wonderous Item, Lockjaw; Cost 6000 gp
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RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Champion Voter Season 6, Champion Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Champion Voter Season 9
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| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Gloves of the Eldritch DuelistAnd did you know that rules-wise "unused spell slots" can mean both "spell slots you didn't fill that morning" and "spells you haven't cast yet"? Because I wasn't cognizant of this fact until a couple minutes ago.
My item was hurt by the rules not making up their mind on what to call those. Curse you Bulmahn!
Whoa! That makes them alot more useable.
Ok, Caleth and Jaerc are the last ones for a while for me.