Official 2013 "Critique my item" thread


RPG Superstar™ General Discussion

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Liberty's Edge Marathon Voter Season 6

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Here's mine; it was my first time participating in the contest, and I'm still pretty happy with my item, although it didn't make the top 89. I suspect it was too vanilla for most people, but I'm interested to see what your thoughts were. Note that I had to format this anew just now, so I may have made an error to two that wasn't in the version I submitted.

Shirt of the Sprightly Harlequin

Aura faint transmutation; CL 4th

Slot Chest; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 1 lb. 

Description

This baggy shirt is crafted from coarse fabric and appears to have been mended many times with mismatched, colorful patches. When worn by a character with the bardic performance ability, once per day she can start a performance as a swift action. In addition, the wearer finds herself filled with boundless energy and confidence, granting her a +2 competence bonus on Acrobatics checks.

Construction 
Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, allegro, bardic performance ability; Cost 1,500 gp

Shadow Lodge

I'd like to see a critic of mine, but sadly I seem to no longer have my copy.

It was the Novel of the Ardent Servant.

Sadly, I think one reason I didnt make the cut was that, I left out Craft Wonderous (purpossfully) from the format, taking the directions a little too literally, I actually went back and removed it.

If someone does happen to have a copy, please post it or PM me.

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

GM_Solspiral wrote:

Was formatted properly this is copy paste...

Listening Stone – 259 Words

To thank you for your review on my item, here's some feedback on yours.

Name: In my opinion, a good name is a) descriptive (i.e. it gives a good idea of what the item is and what it does) and b) magical (i.e. evocative, compelling, makes you want to read more). I think Listening Stone is very much a) but has none of b).

Flavor: It's a nondescript stone... and I think wondrous items should look, feel or sound interesting. Sometimes, of course, being nondescript serves a purpose. But even then, it should have some evocative flavor text that makes the nondescript-ness seem cool. So, my recommendation for next year is to "spice up" your item.

Mojo: It's a recording device, so I guess it's not terribly innovative. It's good in that it isn't a SIAC. It's smart in that it can be used as a sling stone.

Mechanics: It takes a few times to read and re-read it to understand its effects. Using it causes a permanent loss of 1 hour of recording space? Spells require using up all its recording space? Does that mean all 10 hours or whatever amount is left? Things like that can be confusing.

Formatting: Due to copy-pasting it's hard to tell, but at least the aura should have "and" there, slot should be "none" and there should be a space between "price" and "60,000".

All things considered, I guess you need more practice (like everyone). Blazing 9 recommended. :)

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka CalebTGordan

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Thank you everyone for the critque. It appears I struck out with the name, which seemed to be the biggest downfall of the item. I certainly could have made the mechanics better as well. This was a good lesson for next time.

Perfect Tommy wrote:
Quote:
The Lonely Man’s Instant Party]

Sorry, I'm with Tom. Name of the item is an instant put-off. Flavor it for a fantasy world - "Thieve's distraction" and you would have done much, much better.

I read the item carefully and worked out the mechanical issues. But it required a second read.

But I did have other issues. The 'crowd' are phantasms. And while the idea of difficult terrain due to a crowd is fine - what if the user simply closed his eyes? You didn't give a good explanation for why the difficult terrain would persist. Why no will save?

Additionally, people usually provide soft cover - and your item provided "cover". This presumably is to hips - but concealment makes more sense.

However, simply on the name alone, I voted against this item every time.

I thank you very much for your critique, and I appreciate the time you took to do it. Sorry, but I have a few issues here that I think should be addressed. Not all of them are part of Perfect Tommy's post above, his just has a couple of good examples of what I want to talk about.

While I agree the name should have been different, I don't think one that is fantasy flavored is necessarily required, nor do I feel mine wouldn't fit in a fantasy world. I have to agree, considering that everyone so far has said they hated the name, that a different name should have been used. I spent a few days thinking of names, actually, and have a whole list of them. This is the one I liked the most, but I struck out on it. Maybe the original name of "Party Popper Party Starter" would have been better, but I seriously doubt it.

It just goes to show that sometimes you can't win on something you thought was good.

The crowd isn't a phantasm. It is real. No where in my description does it say that it isn't, and in fact it says that it acts as a real crowd. That is why it is considered difficult terrain, because a real crowd, according to the rules on crowds, are difficult terrain. I think you may have gotten the phantasm from the spell in the requirements, which isn't a phantasm spell. It is a shadow spell. I do appreciate that you tried to figure out the mechanics of it, as that tells me you took a bit more time on it than I am sure others did.

I based the cover and difficult terrain on the game rules for crowds. Because there are rules for crowds, I felt that I didn't need to go over them in detail. See the rules under City Streets

Specifically the part that says: "It takes 2 squares of movement to enter a square with crowds. The crowds provide cover for anyone who does so, enabling a Stealth check and providing a bonus to Armor Class and on Reflex saves."

Now, in the crowd rules it does say they move away from danger and can be directed, which is why I adding in parts negating those two parts. The problem I didn't see was that there should have been an AC for the crowd and I should have been more clear that the crowd acts as if it is one creature.

The problems I saw with it, and no one else seems to have seen so far, is that I didn't put a limit on the concealment confetti or the dazing shout. For an hour you have unlimited uses of them, which is pretty over powered. I just didn't catch onto it until after I submitted it.

The questions and false assumptions people have been making about my item do make it clear that I need to rework the item and make the mechanics tighter.

Here is the basics of what I would do to rework the item then:
- Different Name. I tried and failed, maybe just "Instant Crowd."
- Remove the dazing and concealment abilities.
- Make it more clear that this is a very real crowd of people but that it acts as if it is one creature. Think swarm but made of people.
- Give it an AC of 5.
- Add in some flavor that some items do normal crowds, but this one is an instant party.
- Shorten the duration to 5 minutes.
- Make it cheaper.
- Break up the text into chunks so it isn't one big block of text.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Clouds Without Water

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Page 5 items!

Cloak of Deepest Shadow - I think your analysis of it being a SAK is on target, though the abilities to fit the theme. The item also seems on the upper end of the price scale. Voters and judges are turned off by the "only then are its true powers revealed" construction. To give it a better shot, maybe focus on the incorporeal power, that's the most interesting. That alone would basically be a spell-in-a-can, but ask yourself what's cool about that power. What could be based on that concept that's got mojo?

Quill of the Tengu Sage - Pretty good item. I like the permanently used spell slot until the scroll is read. That balances it nicely. I wonder about the magic mouth requirement. Not a wide appeal item, but it does what it does well.

Ancestral Spirit Shroud - Sort of a neat idea, plucking arrows and then providing a bow to return fire. Not sure how that ties with the idea of ancestral spirits, though. Also like the idea of choosing where disarmed items land. That's kinda cooler in a way. Overall, the theme doesn't seem to mesh completely with the function.

Master Needle of the Fairie Artisan - I'd leave out the quote, voters and judges don't like them. The crafter aspects also don't hold much appeal in RPGSS. The heal is ok, but to me the most interesting concept is the part about using it to bind things. That's probably what should be the launching point for this item, drop most of the rest and build on that.

Clockwork Heart - Seriously cool visuals / mojo here. This totally should have been top 89 or higher. Maybe a little too much about the zombie aspects. The creature revives at half HP, I assume they are eligible to heal to full? Seems far too cheap. Also, would help to break text into more than one paragraph.

Jagged Cauldron - Probably ran afoul of the voters' anti-squickness. Expensive. Also, is it really worth sustaining damage until the potion is used? It doesn't seem like it would have many takers. The name is good fits your theme well.

Listening Stone - Basic problem is that it's a recording device, as you mention. The recording time decreasing with each use but then stopping at 1 hour seems odd. Might leave that mechanic out altogether. Would anyone throw a 60,000 gp rock as a weapon? The idea of a stored spell that can be thrown is maybe the most interesting launching point for a revision.

Brooch of the Dragon’s Hoard - The mechanic of substituting treasure no one wants for material components at a later date has some imagination, but it's basically a makes-adventuring-easier item.

Halfling Swingsaddle of the Gorilla - I confess I thought this was a joke item when I was voting. A little too whimsical for me, I guess. Beyond that, seems way too niche. Maybe there's a broader version of this that would work with a variety of animals/monsters.

Flask of Sudden Sanctuary - I wasn't crazy about this cathedral in a can. I wonder about a 4 story cathedral when summoning it only requires 50 sq ft of space. The priest seems to be a 10 HD outsider summoned just to make holy water? Seems overkill. There might be something in this if it was scaled way, way down. A small chapel perhaps, with a low level friar

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Clouds Without Water

CalebTGordan wrote:
Make it more clear that this is a very real crowd of people but that it acts as if it is one creature. Think swarm but made of people.

This is the kernel of the idea to pursue, adding in some mojo. Instant Human Swarm. That you could probably find a way to make work for everyone.

Dedicated Voter Season 6

Posting it as submitted, first time submitter.

Spectral Mirror
Aura faint divination and faint illusion; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lbs.
Description
This small, hand held, opaque black glass is set in a woven, thin brass wire frame that forms runes along the frames surface. Touching the glass sends silver and grey ripples running along its surface.
Looking through the glass and speaking the command word makes the mirror project a silver and grey outlined image on its surface of a 10 foot cone of where the glass is pointed at up to 400 feet away through most any surfaces in its path. The user can control the distance the mirror is viewing with a move action. The mirrors view is reduced by 10 feet by 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, or up to 3 feet of wood or dirt. Lead blocks the mirrors view.
During the first round of viewing the image is faint and blurry and no sound is heard, on the second round the image clears a little and garbled sounds comes with the image if any noices are within 10 feet of the point the mirror is viewing and on the third round the images become a clear silvery outline and the details of any sounds can be discrened with a DC 20 perception check.
Construction
Requirements craft wondrous item, clairaudience/clairvoyance, minor image; Cost 9,000 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 6

Jacob Kellogg wrote:
Purplefixer wrote:
Jacob Kellogg wrote:
Ghoulslayer Gloves

Thanks for the feedback!

I take it back. That's a persuasive mathematical argument there. Consider me converted. They're still cool gloves. I'm putting them in my 'stuff to use in my campaign' folder.

If they haven't been printed somewhere by the time I get to publishing my first non-psychic book, I'll bang on your profile and see if you want me to include it with credit.


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Pawns, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Here's mine, without all the formatting (original submission had all the bold and italics and whatnot)

Hunter's Collar 
Aura Moderate Divination and Transmutation; CL 9th 
Slot Neck; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 1 lb. 
Description 
This unassuming, worn leather collar is fitted with an obsidian clasp. When placed around the neck of an animal, the collar binds the animal to the person who collared it. While the collar is worn, the animal and its “master” understand each others speech, regardless of language, though it does not make the animal any more friendly or intelligent. It does, however, allow the “master” to use Diplomacy instead of Handle Animal to train the creature or improve its attitude. The “master” may also activate the collar with a command word to give the animal the effects of animal growth, expeditious retreat, or magic fang, each once per day. 
Construction 
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animal growth, expeditious retreat, magic fang, speak with animals; Cost 3,500 gp

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

Dragonscale fan:

I can’t say I was a fan of this one, mostly because you made it a move action. That means, if I had a greater fan, I could do 5d6 flame damage, PLUS cast, say, fireball at a troll, practically rendering it dead in a single round. That’s just too much for me.
I think the resistance was also probably too strong. I’d probably have done a 5/10/20 array.
Now, if it were a standard action, I think I’d have been OK with it. The theme’s strong, and it’s an item that could potentially be expanded into other dragons and energies.

Hand wraps of Flesh and Stone:

Unfortunately, your introductory paragraph makes me want to stop reading. I’m not sure if that Collegium is a Golarion location or your own (and don’t feel like Googling at the moment). But it runs into the trap of if my character has Craft Wondrous Item and the two spells you use in the requirements, she can make the item. But she’s not a weasel familiar. Then you get into a version of the “prized by” construction.
Moving on to the item itself, I think you’ve got some stilted writing with the way you try to introduce your powers. Then I think the Dex damage is potentially crippling. If you’ve got a monk, you could be potentially doing 6 Dex damage in a round. Each hit of course makes it easier to hit the next time.
I think the other powers just feel like they keep piling on and getting more and more confusing.
I think you need to work on tightening your them and read some of the advice threads – backgrounds like you’ve included are generally frowned upon for the competition. It’s a cool idea – a group of weaving weasel familiars – for a home campaign but just not a good for this format.

Flask of Raging Waters:

“Appears ordinary.” Bad start. Bring some fantastic description; wow us!
Now after that, you get into some cool, evocative imagery with your watery whip. But I’m not quite sure why I’d use this instead of my normal weapon. It looks like it takes my standard action to attack with it. I’m not quite sure what you mean by it can attack any target within 20 feet (should be spelled out, not using an apostrophe) without penalty. There’s no range penalty? What if I’m suffering from a penalty because of a condition?
I think there’s the core of a good idea here but you need to work on explaining it a little more, as well as jazzing up your writing.

Gloves of the Confident Smith:

As you suspect, this one just felt bland to me. It’s a skill bonus item. That said, your template use is almost perfect, though I see you’re missing a space between slot and hands

Dawnflower Ankh:

Never saw this one in my voting that I recall.
As you note, it’s a camping item. It also seems a little odd in that it sort of serves as a holy water boost to channels or a holy water splash weapon. I can sort of see where/how you’re linking them, but it felt like a real disconnect to me.
Your spells should also be italicized and you’re missing a comma in your price. Feet are spelled out, not does as an apostrophe.
All that said, I like the base item you chose for your entry but just needs some more pizazz next year.

Paint of Discerning Demise:

This just felt like blood biography in a can to me, plus got caught up in my general feeling of anti-blood/gore/whatever items as the contest went on (though you certainly didn’t go overboard in that regard and your use mirrors your base spell). Bring more innovation next time. Template looks pretty good, though you lost your coding around CL and your spells should be lower case.

Feybone of the Eternal Singularity:

This was an interesting one, that I think I voted both for and against. I liked some of your descriptive writing and it’s certainly a neat concept. That said, I think it could be a real pain in the ass in play. Maybe not at low levels but at the point your placing it with your price, you could have people rolling 15-20 times for just their turn. Multiply that by 4-6 PCs and potentially a handful of bad guys and one round of combat could take an hour. Not to mention doing math (and some people really aren’t good at math). I think it just would have complicated things way too much.

Cloud of Gray:

Oooh, I liked this one, Bomby. I think it was a little odd in that your item was a cloud, but nonetheless, I thought it was fun.

Matryoshka of the Planar Cadre:

Ah, one of several Russian nesting dolls. Not sure if you were all inspired by Reign of Winter, since I certainly wouldn’t have expected multiple. It’s a cool base item, though. I’m not sure what you mean when you say summoning monsters from a lower level list, though. I also wasn’t sure this wasn’t a little overpowered, though I did like the idea a lot.

Mantle of The Flesh Bound Soul:

This all seemed well put together but it's basically a you-don't-die item. That seems to take most of the risk out of the game to me. I think it was just a bad design choice. Still, I think focus that attention to template, color and mechanics next year and you could certainly be well on your way.

Relativity Torc:

Flyer, I think you're right that you were too sparse with word count. Also -- and this is a subtle thing -- if you call the item unique, that means it's the only one of its kind (i.e. it's an artifact, not a wondrous item). I don't know, maybe most people read it as I suspect you intended to be that it's strange, but I looked at it more literally.
I actually like the mechanic you're introducing, though I'm not an expert at balance issues. I'd probably want to see how it works in play a bit. Still, I also felt it was a bit less of a magic item mechanic than a class feature that could be introduced via archetype somehow. I wonder if it also got caught up in not being cinematic enough (since that seems to be the new buzzword for Superstar).
I'd also want to check to see if darkwood and mithral should be uppercase, though again, that's not something I'd weigh very heavily in making my decision.
Again, though, I think you were just too sparse with your words. Give your magic item a little more magic.

Sepllcycle Medallion:

Joel, having the typo unfortunately set you back immensely. I'm sure you're kicking yourself about it, though.
There were a few spell-interruption type items this year around and I think yours may also have suffered by playing it the safest. Others let you do more than just suppress a spell's effects for a while but rather continue the duration when reactivated. I think those probably were just a bit sexier for the voters.

Bracers of Daring Exploits:

To me, this was just too much. A +10 bonus (untyped bonus!) just basically ended the threat most of the time. I also felt that it was just giving a numerical bonus. It's a cloak of resistance-type item, where it may be really useful but it's still just adding numbers to numbers you already have.

And that should be Page 4 done.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7

Clouds Without Water wrote:

Page 5 items!

Flask of Sudden Sanctuary - I wasn't crazy about this cathedral in a can. I wonder about a 4 story cathedral when summoning it only requires 50 sq ft of space. The priest seems to be a 10 HD outsider summoned just to make holy water? Seems overkill. There might be something in this if it was scaled way, way down. A small chapel perhaps, with a low level friar

Thank you for the review! As far as the area requirement goes, remember that this is a 50ft. square, not 50 square feet; much the same way that a 5ft. square is actually 25 square feet, a 50ft. square is 50ft. on each side, and is actualy 2,500 square feet in size!

I can see what you mean about the Outsider's strength, but it's mostly to allow for a reasonably wide range of possible priests for different religions – there just aren't that many appropriate low-level Outsiders of different philosophies and alignments to provide a decent selection. In any case, the chapel and the priest abilities are mostly trappings for the final ability, which is the super soaker full of holy water.

Thanks again for the comments, it's awesome to see what people actually thought of the items we submitted this year!


Jacob W. Michaels wrote:

** spoiler omitted **

Thanks Jacob!

You are absolutely right about the weasil familiar, and collegium graduate in the requirements.

The location is neither Golarian nor home-brew. It was me projecting a location into Golarian. Somewhere in Qadira.

And everyone has been unanimous on the critique sooooo...back to the drawing board for next year = )

Marathon Voter Season 6

Jacob W. Michaels wrote:
That said, your template use is almost perfect, though I see you’re missing a space between slot and hands.

Yeah, I think that only exists on the original word file. I remember catching that before I submitted.

Sigh... back to the drawing board.

Star Voter Season 6

Cauldron of Undead Spawning
Aura strong evocation [evil] and necromancy [evil]; CL 12th
Slot none; Price 75,000 gp; Weight 40 lbs.
Description
This large, black iron cauldron resembles a human skull with a gaping hole in the top, surrounded by mysterious, well-worn runic carvings in some form of ancient, long dead language. A handful of grave dirt thrown into the cauldron by an evil spellcaster activates it, and a foul, luminous liquid fills the cauldron, roiling, glowing and emanating wisps of vapors that take the forms of the twisted and hideous faces of tortured souls. When the partial remains of a dead creature are added to the roiling liquid in the cauldron, each part is consumed and transforms into a complete skeleton or zombie of that creature (skeletons from boney parts and zombies from fleshy parts). The undead are under the command of the evil individual who created them, but they are also bound to the cauldron and must remain within 300 feet of it or be destroyed. The first undead creature emerges from the roiling liquid in three rounds, and one undead creature emerges from the cauldron each round thereafter until all of the parts are consumed. A maximum of 48 HD of undead creatures can be created per day by the cauldron, and at no time can more than 48 HD of created undead exist. The cauldron remains in its activated state until all of the created undead have been destroyed, after which another handful of grave dirt will re-active it.
Once activated, the cauldron creates a desecrate effect within a 55 foot radius and serves as an altar within that area for the purposes of that spell effect.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Command Undead, animate dead, desecrate, creator must be evil; Cost 37,500 gp

Scarab Sages Marathon Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

My item is below, the judges never saw it, and the voters didn't really like it, so I'm curious for feedback. There were a couple minor tweaks I made in the final posting which didn't make it to my save file.

Irrisen Sacrificial Athame
Aura strong necromancy; CL 17th
Slot none; Price 81,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This ritualistic silver knife features a wickedly curved blade; shimmering with hoarfrost, the blade is uncomfortably cool to the touch. These wicked ritualistic tools originated in Irrisen, in the hands of powerful witches.
As a swift action, the wielder draws the blade of the athame across their flesh, sacrificing their own life force and leaving a jagged purplish-black scar in its wake. The next spell cast applies the effects of a metamagic feat possessed by the wielder without affecting its level or casting time, as long as the total modified level of the spell does not use a spell slot above 9th level.
Each sacrifice costs the wielder 1 point of temporary constitution, dexterity, or strength for each spell level increase of the applicable metamagic feat. Thus adding the maximize metamagic feat will inflict 3 points of temporary attribute damage. The user must possess the relevant ability score in order to use this item (an undead creature may not sacrifice constitution.)
An Irrisen sacrificial athame may be used on any level of spell. A caster may only add one metamagic effect to any given spell with the power of the athame. The wielder may combine the athame’s effect with metamagic feats they possess. In this case, only the feats possessed by the wielder adjust the spell slot of the spell being cast, per the appropriate metamagic feat. This effect may not be combined with the effect of any metamagic rod.
The soft blade is unsuitable for combat, having 5 hit points and hardness 2.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Spell Perfection; Cost 40,050 gp

Grand Lodge Star Voter Season 6

Pathfinder Card Game, Companion, Pathfinder Accessories, Pawns Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Hi guys,
This item made it in the top 89 but not to the coveted 32. If you have any thoughts or feedback, I would really appreciate it!
Thanks!

Weathered Quiver
Aura Moderate transmutation; CL 6th; Slot Shoulders; Price 5400 gp; Weight 2 lbs.

This finely crafted quiver appears lightly worn by the elements and often features outdoor landscapes tooled into the leather. Once per day a command word can be spoken to imbue an arrow drawn from the Weathered Quiver with the power of nature. The imbued arrow will deal extra elemental damage plus an additional affect which can be negated by a successful saving throw. The damage type and additional effect vary, similar to the Elemental Aura spell, except that instead of being chosen they are determined by the current season. There is no effect on a miss.

Winter Arrow will deal 2d6 extra cold damage on a successful hit. Target will also be fatigued unless it succeeds at a Fortitude save DC 14.

Spring Arrow will deal 2d6 extra electricity damage on a successful hit. Target will also be staggered for 1 round unless it succeeds at a Fortitude save DC 14.

Summer Arrow will deal 2d6 extra fire damage on a successful hit. Target will also catch fire unless it succeeds at a Reflex save DC 14.

Fall Arrow will deal 2d6 extra acid damage on a successful hit. Target will also take 1 point of ongoing acid damage for 2 rounds and be sickened for the duration. Successful Fortitude save DC 14 negates both the ongoing damage and the sickened condition.

Construction Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Elemental Aura Cost 2,700 gp

Founder, Legendary Games & Publisher, Necromancer Games, RPG Superstar Judge

5 people marked this as a favorite.

Oh my gosh.

400+ Posts.

Guys, I'm grinding on the 32 archetypes so I won't be able to get to these for a couple days.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 8

Since Sean McGowan had this in his top 32, I'll post up for review. I'm not sure if this is the exact text I submitted

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Arc Light of Spectral Reclusion
Aura Mild Abjuration; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 31,500 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
This stout hooded oil lantern hides a secret. Upon activation, an arc light reveals itself from a hidden compartment and begins producing an alchemically created light. This bright light functions like the spell Daylight. In addition, the light will conceal all living creatures within the 60-foot radius of the light from incorporeal creatures, as the spell Hide From Undead.

If the arc light is not in use, it can be used once per day to surprise and frighten a single incorporeal creature that is within 15 feet of the light. As a result the frightened creature will flee beyond the 60-foot radius of the light, unless the incorporeal creature succeeds a Will save, it is shaken for 1 round. This surprise attack will make the incorporeal creature immune to any other effects of the light for 24 hours.

The arc light typically has 50 charges with each charge lasting for 30 minutes. Because of the light and the noise the arc light generates during its use, creatures within the 60-foot radius suffer -1 to initiative, and -1 to hearing-based Perception checks.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Cause Fear, Daylight, Hide From Undead, creator must have 3 ranks in the Craft (alchemy) skill or Knowledge(engineering); Cost 15,750 gp

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Concept = an item for rich travelers to equip in areas with heavy spectral manifestations, such as the antarkos sea, to escape and/or avoid an encounter. Originally worded the item so that it would hide the entire conveyance (ship, stagecoach, etc) but that made adventuring too safe. It was also intended that the light would stop/affect any spells or abilities that allowed for shadowy teleports and such. but that seemed too powerful, wordy, and could hamper rogues.

after submission = was fearful that the it was mundane, and too much of a siac. I also worried that It didnt explain recharges. I would have reworded some of it now that I look at it. I also forgot to apply the would the villains and the heroes use this item rule.

Star Voter Season 6

Another first-time participant here - I can speculate some issues with my submission, but would certainly be happy to hear any comments from others in this thread. Pricing certainly felt complicated in terms of duration and frequency of use. And best case it's clearly more of a slightly gonzo plot device item than a practical magical tool. Ah, hindsight.

Deathwalker's Maiden
Aura strong necromancy; CL 9th
Slot Head; Price 90,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This heavy iron mask is designed to cover the wearer's entire head, its front and rear halves joined by hinges. The interior of the mask's front half features spikes clearly designed to penetrate the wearer's face.

Successfully putting the maiden on as a standard action allows the wearer to become a pair of undead beings. The wearer's new ghostly form takes on the incorporeal condition. The wearer's physical body, now a near-mindless undead, may not use feats, skills, or spells, but gains a +3 to Strength. If the two forms are not within line-of-sight contact, the physical form is treated as blinded. Both forms detect as undead and have all undead racial traits.

The maiden may be used once per week for up to 10 rounds. Following use, the user should be treated as dazed for one round. If the ghost is destroyed or the zombie is reduced to 20 or fewer hit points, the maiden falls off as the ghost form instantly rejoins the physical form. The former wearer will be treated as dazed for 1d4 rounds. Standard penalties for reduction lower than 0 hit points apply.

While donning the maiden is in fact harmless, its fearsome appearance and magical aura inspire great fear in novice users. First-time users must make a Will save with a -4 penalty to successfully put on and use the item. A prospective user failing this save may not try again that day. Users must continue making Will saves on their second and third uses, with penalties of -2 and 0, respectively.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Command Undead, undead anatomy IV; Cost 45,000 gp

Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Amulet of the Selfless

Aura faint abjuration and enchantment; CL 3rd

Slot neck; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description

Usually cast in the image of a golden cherub whose softly glowing eyes and halo are set in mithral, this amulet extends a divine protection to healers who seek to provide aid to those in dire need. If the wearer of this amulet is subject to an attack of opportunity caused by healing an ally (be it from a spell directly cast, a spell-like ability, an item, or a Heal check), or attempting to stabilize a fallen ally, and the attack roll indicates a hit, up to three times per day, the amulet negates the attack. A missed attack does not reduce the total number of charges available. If the amulet's wearer possesses the healing domain, the total available charges increases by two per day (to a maximum of 5). The amulet regains it's charges at dawn every morning. Any attacks of opportunity made against a creature of evil alignment wearing this amulet receive a +2 modifier to hit.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, compassionate ally, grace, creator must possess the healing domain; Cost 4,000 gp

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Clark Peterson wrote:

Oh my gosh.

400+ Posts.

Guys, I'm grinding on the 32 archetypes so I won't be able to get to these for a couple days.

Hehehe yeah enjoy that, been hard to keep up.

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

atomicb wrote:
Deathwalker's Maiden

Deathwalker's Maiden:
Aura strong necromancy; CL 9th

Slot Head; Price 90,000 gp; Weight 10 lbs.
Description
This heavy iron mask is designed to cover the wearer's entire head, its front and rear halves joined by hinges. The interior of the mask's front half features spikes clearly designed to penetrate the wearer's face.

Successfully putting the maiden on as a standard action allows the wearer to become a pair of undead beings. The wearer's new ghostly form takes on the incorporeal condition. The wearer's physical body, now a near-mindless undead, may not use feats, skills, or spells, but gains a +3 to Strength. If the two forms are not within line-of-sight contact, the physical form is treated as blinded. Both forms detect as undead and have all undead racial traits.

The maiden may be used once per week for up to 10 rounds. Following use, the user should be treated as dazed for one round. If the ghost is destroyed or the zombie is reduced to 20 or fewer hit points, the maiden falls off as the ghost form instantly rejoins the physical form. The former wearer will be treated as dazed for 1d4 rounds. Standard penalties for reduction lower than 0 hit points apply.

While donning the maiden is in fact harmless, its fearsome appearance and magical aura inspire great fear in novice users. First-time users must make a Will save with a -4 penalty to successfully put on and use the item. A prospective user failing this save may not try again that day. Users must continue making Will saves on their second and third uses, with penalties of -2 and 0, respectively.

Construction
Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, Command Undead, undead anatomy IV; Cost 45,000 gp

I liked this item a lot, despite some mechanical reservations. I wasn't wild about the last paragraph, as it adds a lot of unnecessary complexity for a small flavor benefit. There are a few questions as well - what happens if the zombie half is utterly destroyed in one fell swoop, or imprisoned, or sent to another plane, etc? I also have a slight issue with the name, which makes me think of the ghost half as female. It is overall a very cool idea, though.

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

Mike Alchus wrote:


Amulet of the Selfless

I didn't like it because it was too powerful for 8000 gold. How many healing-related attacks of opportunity do you see in a day? Automatically negating 3-5 of them in a day for a relatively low cost is just too good. Additionally, how does it function in terms of flavor? Is it a shielding type effect? Does the attack veer off? Does it hit and simply fail to have any effect?

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 8 aka nate lange

1 person marked this as a favorite.
GM_Solspiral wrote:
Clark Peterson wrote:
Guys, I'm grinding on the 32 archetypes so I won't be able to get to these for a couple days.
Hehehe yeah enjoy that, been hard to keep up.

in case anyone hasn't noticed, GM has taken on the spicerian task of critiquing every single item but is doing it on the Good/Bad/Ugly thread. my applause to him and the several others (mott, CWW...) who have undertaken that task!

edit: and preemptive applause to Clark who will, apparently, be doing so as well once he has time! (no offense to the hard working fans, but i'm extra-curious what a judge thinks of my item)

Star Voter Season 6

Jacob W. Michaels wrote:
dragonscale fan critique

Thank you for the feedback! Those were issues I considered in the creation, and ultimately decided as I did, but I'm glad to have another opinion. I'm also glad you liked the general idea and could see interesting ways of expanding it. I do, too! :)


Clouds Without Water wrote:
Quill of the Tengu Sage - Pretty good item. I like the permanently used spell slot until the scroll is read. That balances it nicely. I wonder about the magic mouth requirement. Not a wide appeal item, but it does what it does well.

Thanks for the critique! Considering Magic Mouth doesn't trigger magical effects, I agree it was a poor choice of requirement. Glad you liked the spell slot mechanic, I haven't seen it used before and I thought it was the best currency to use: can't get more balanced than 1 spell slot = 1 spell.

Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8

I praised this item over in the Toast thread, it was one of my favorites of the year.

DOOMSTRING
The core idea is great and it's presented well. It's a Fun item, and some people might not like that aspect, but mechanically it is built properly, so I think you've found ground where a Fun item is a valid item as well. Three sentences into the description we know what this item does, how it does it, and we have a visual of it in action. I really like the mechanic of a ranged attack leaving the foe flat footed, that's a great twist to throw into combat, literally. The biggest problem I see is the price, at 1,400 for a one use consumable the fact is that, as much as I like this item, it will never be purchased. At the level where a character can spend 1,400 on a consumable the DC16 Will save will limit its usefulness. The price is just one minor issue that can be adjusted easily, not a big distraction. Overall, I really liked this item, good job!

Star Voter Season 6

Tiercis wrote:

Hi guys,

This item made it in the top 89 but not to the coveted 32. If you have any thoughts or feedback, I would really appreciate it!
Thanks!

Weathered Quiver

Hi, Tiercis. I'm another gal whose item made top 89 but not top 32, and I know we'd like to improve enough to impress the judges, so, for whatever it's worth, here's what I see in your item:

The name sounds a bit boring, but it's actually a clever pun, and one that I thinks works for this game. The formatting is off in several ways, but this might just be you copying it into this thread, not the way you actually submitted it. At any rate, don't forget things like making the names of spells lowercase and italicized in your text. I like the general idea. I think it's creative and clever without being overpowered. I like the way you adapted the elemental aura spell, although some might actually see that as a lack of originality. I like the way you described it, although I would cut out the word "often." I voted for this item several times, and I've saved a copy for potential future use, so thanks for sharing a neat idea!

If you have a chance, please let me know what you think of my dragonscale fan. The description is posted at the top of page 4 of this thread. Many thanks! :)

Star Voter Season 6

Jacob W. Michaels wrote:

Here goes. I quite liked my item, but obviously was the only one, since no one's mentioned it yet at all (other than Eric's Big List o' Items).

I'm guessing the time theme threw some people (I knew it could be risky, though I thought it was really more fluff for something dealing with initiative) and maybe the mechanics were a bit confusing?

Time's Tide Pendant

Time ebbs and flows oddly around this hourglass pendant, creating flickering duplicate ...

Jacob, in thanks for you reviewing all our items, I wanted to make sure to give you some feedback on your own:

First, I actually did like the name and the thematic ebb and flow language. The item reminded me a bit of Hermione's time turner in HP, but not enough so to be a rip off. Overall, you dealt with a complicated idea, and for what you attempted, I think you did a thorough and well-thought-out job, with safeguards to ensure it's not way overpowered. Still, the result is indeed rather complicated, and could result in headaches for a GM who is already struggling to run a complex initiative order. The fact that there seems to be no limit of the amount of times the first power could be used only adds to this possibility. Although this item is a cool concept and would open up interesting tactical options for a player, it just seems like a level of complexity that the GM shouldn't have to deal with. I don't recall seeing this when I was voting, but it would have been somewhere in the middle of the pack for me, with a GM complexity headache being weighed against strong mechanics and a neat idea.


Here's my item. Any pointers/criticisms would be greatly appreciated.

Monkey’s Paw
Often crafted by Zenji shamans in the dark recesses of the Mwangi Expanse, these wondrous items have recently made their way to Avistan through southern ports such as Sargava. The item simply appears as the desiccated limb of the common spider monkey and is worn around the neck through a silver chain. The paw’s mundane appearance betrays its powerful magic though, as it imparts a +5 circumstance bonus to the wearer’s Acrobatics, Perception, and Climb checks and negates armor check penalties for the relevant skills. It also grants +5 bonus to any Diplomacy checks involving primate races, including intelligent varieties such as charau-ka. Containing the living essence of a spider monkey, extended use causes some potentially unwanted side effects, namely a slight hunch to one’s gate and coarse hair growth over the entire body. This last effect is bit less pronounced in females but still occurs to some extent…

Aura faint transmutaton CL 5th
Slot neck Price 6,000 gp Weight -

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bull’s strength, cat’s grace, eagle’s splendor, owl’s wisdom
Cost 3,000 gp

Silver Crusade Star Voter Season 6

Thank you for any and all feedback!

Bones of Ill Fortune

Aura moderate divination and necromancy; CL 9th

Slot none; Price 23,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.

Description

This set of stained and scratched finger bones fills a small leather pouch. Cold to the touch, the bones of ill fortune project forebodings of catastrophe. 3 times per day, a user can activate the bones to invoke the curse of ill fortune upon a subject within 100 feet. A creature under the curse’s effect becomes convinced of its own impending demise and falls into despair, suffering a -4 penalty on saving throws and only receiving 50% of the benefit of natural or magical healing for 1 hour. A DC 17 Will save negates this effect.


Reading the bones can also provide omens for the future. Once per week, the user may spend 10 minutes consulting the bones in this fashion. At the end of this time, she may ask a single question of the bones, per the divination spell.


Finally, the bones have the ability to bolster the hexes of their possessor. 3 times per day, a user with the hex class feature can activate the bones as a free action to boost her next hex, granting a +2 enhancement bonus to the save DC.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, divination, major curse; Cost 11,500 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 6

I made this guy without reading the advice thread; I think it is clearly too mundane to be superstar, but I'm curious about any other feedback. I removed a double 'the' (the result of a last minute edit) because it is too painful to look at!

Constable’s Garish Vestments
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot body; Price 2,500 gp; Weight
Description
This garish uniform is made of brightly colored felt or velvet and features eye catching epaulettes, exaggerated cuffs, and numerous large shiny brass buttons. Typically worn by defenders of halfling communities or champions of halfling causes, constable’s garish vestments are designed to attract attention away from halflings wearing more muted outfits.
Any character wearing the vestments may, as an immediate action, force a creature they can see that makes an attack against one of their allies to attack the wearer of constable’s garish vestments instead. The attacker may not be more than 30' away and the wearer of the vestments must be a legal target for the attack in all other respects. The attacker may make a DC 13 Will save to ignore this effect, if they succeed at their saving throw they still suffer a cumulative -1 penalty on attack rolls and AC (maximum -4) until they attack the wearer of the constable’s garish vestments, the wearer of the constable’s garish vestments is killed, or the wearer of the constable’s garish vestments and the attacker are ever more than 60' apart. If the ally that would have been attacked is an halfling, the DC to resist this effect increases to DC 15. This is a mind-affecting effect.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, compel hostility, creator must be a halfling; Cost 1,250 gp

Star Voter Season 6

Clouds Without Water wrote:

Here's mine. It's got the obvious issue of being gory, and it's a modified SAIC. Both of those issues were intentional choices, but clearly misjudgments in retrospect. Re-reading it now, it could have used a writing polish as well.

Skinthief’s Fetish

In thanks for all the reviews, some feedback on your own:

Impressions: Name=ick. Not necessarily a bad name, just a gross concept. Tying something small together with bark sounds difficult. How are the little pointy stones attached? Magic, I suppose. It does what? Yuck, yuck, yuck. Wait, that's a spell? Let me look it up. Wow, that's gross. Who would actually want to use that spell? I'm having a hard time seeing the benefit. Hey, creating this item to make it so that you can animate other bodies' skins instead of your own is actually really clever. I'd much rather throw some dead person's skin at an enemy than my own. Hmm, a ten minute per day monster you can control and/or inhabit seems too powerful for a 2,000gp item. Other than possibly the cost, this seems mechanically sound, and is actually a clever idea. It's not something I'd likely use myself, because I tend to avoid the gross-out factor overall, but I can definitely see a place for an item like this in the game. :)

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8 aka Jiggy

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Clark Peterson wrote:
I won't be able to get to these for a couple days.

Wait, you mean you're planning to? Wow, that's amazingly generous of you!

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 8

I made this because I love shapeshifting, and wanted to add to it a bit more.

Necklace of Otherwordly Transmutation
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot Neck slot; Price 181,000 gp; Weight --
Description
Each of these plain silver necklaces is attuned to a particular alignment, and glows briefly when a person with the correct alignment puts it on. After 24 hours have passed, the wearer gains a special ability whenever they are under the effect of a beast shape spell, elemental form spell, or using the wild shape class feature.
Lawful: The wearer gains a +1 Deflection bonus to Armor Class.
Chaotic: The wear gains a +1 Dodge bonus to Armor Class.
Good: The wearer grows angelic wings, gaining a fly speed of 30ft with average maneuverability. If the wearer already has a fly speed their maneuverabilty goes up one step instead.
Evil: The wearer gains a bite attack, appropriate for their size, that deals 1 point of bleed damage. They gain a +1 to damage rolls if they already have a bite attack.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Spell Focus(Transmutation), Planar Wildshape or polymorph; a silver necklace worth 1,000gp Cost 95,000 gp

Star Voter Season 6

GM_Solspiral wrote:

Was formatted properly this is copy paste...

Listening Stone – 259 Words
Listening Stone
...
Self critique: Over priced, over complicated, tape recorder. That said, still love it as its a bug + a spell/effect storage device + you can hit someone with it.

GM, thanks for reviewing all the items! Here's some feedback on yours:

Other than the formatting lost in the copy/paste, the missing "and" between " divination" and "faint," and the space needed after the word price, I would also break the description down into one paragraph per function, and lead with your most innovative.

I think this is actually quite a neat idea. I, too, like the idea of a magic listening stone that you can also thwack people with. However, it does come across as a tape recorder. Would it be better if the user could hear what the stone hears as the stone hears it? Or perhaps work the item more fully around the idea of storing and discharging a sonic or language-based spell when triggered. I like that concept. It wouldn't really be a listening stone then, though.

The idea of the possible triggers is a little vague here, and I could see some players arguing with their GM over it. The idea of losing 1hr. of potential storage space each time it is used seems overly complicated. The wording about the duration when releasing the spell is confusing to me.

Overall, I think this item has some issues, and isn't really Superstar, but definitely shows designer potential. :)

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber
Jacob Kellogg wrote:
Clark Peterson wrote:
I won't be able to get to these for a couple days.
Wait, you mean you're planning to? Wow, that's amazingly generous of you!

Seconded!

This is why we keep coming back. The judges invest so much time on us, it is quite incredible.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

1 person marked this as a favorite.
The Crusader wrote:
Jacob W. Michaels wrote:
That said, your template use is almost perfect, though I see you’re missing a space between slot and hands.
Yeah, I think that only exists on the original word file.

That's actually a good note. For some reason, my Word seems to occasionally add spaces in (usually at the start of a new paragraph). Not sure whether it's something I'm somehow copying and pasting over and over, but I think I'm more careful than that. Anyway, my last look in preview is something I pay a lot of attention to.

And, thanks, Lady Firedove, for your review. It's appreciated.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Sorry I've been absent...the weekend is actually the hardest time for me to get to the reviews. Rest assured I will get back!

Star Voter Season 6

Isaac Duplechain wrote:
atomicb wrote:
Deathwalker's Maiden

** spoiler omitted **

I liked this item a lot, despite some mechanical reservations. I wasn't wild about the last paragraph, as it adds a lot of unnecessary complexity for a small flavor benefit. There are a few questions as well - what happens if the zombie half is utterly destroyed in one fell swoop, or imprisoned, or sent to another plane, etc? I also have a slight issue with the name, which makes me think of the ghost half as female. It is overall a very cool idea, though.

Thank you for the kind words and thoughtful comments. You have some very good questions that I didn't adequately address (or even think about in a few cases). It's funny, I'd originally imagined this item as a full-body iron maiden from which the zombie half would emerge (hence the name), and then became very taken with the image of a lumbering (and potentially blind) zombie getting all hulk-smash with its head fully enclosed in this black iron contraption. A visual I still love, but of course this isn't a mind's eye freakshow contest...

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Hodge Podge

I don't want to make a separate thread for this or hijack my own item's thread, but I'd very much appreciate feedback on the other item I created before the gloves. I'll wait in line like a good boy! :)

---

Fogsmith's Teakettle
Aura moderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 20,000; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
A large lid fits snugly on top of this small but solidly cast bronze kettle, and a simple wooden handle protrudes from its side.

Up to five times per day and no more than once every three hours, the user may use fire—or magic with the fire descriptor—to heat a liquid in the kettle as a standard action. After 30 seconds, the kettle will whistle loudly and expel a cloud of warm fog which acts identically to a fog cloud, except that it overwhelmingly exudes the same color, smell, and taste as the boiled substance. The kettle may boil one unit of a substance at a time, which is expended upon creation of the fog. Attempting to combine multiple alchemical, magical, or poisonous substances will result in a cloud exuding an awful stench which otherwise has no effects. The whistle follows the same rules as the audible version of the alarm spell for the purposes of being heard. The fog and whistle last one minute. Neither effect functions underwater.

Creatures who breathe the fog for six rounds are treated as taking a full dose of the liquid. These rounds may be non-consecutive, but must all occur within one minute. If the liquid is a poison, its method of delivery changes to inhaled. A creature that holds its breath or does not breathe is unaffected by these effects.

If the liquid is a splash weapon, the fog deals that weapon's splash damage every round to susceptible creatures and objects. An alchemist's bombs are incompatible with the kettle.
Construction
Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, alchemical allocation, fog cloud; Cost 10,000

---

For your reading pleasure, I'm going to give you my brainstorming notes as well. Towards the end you can see that I was thinking about different cloud effects, which led me to make my other item. Beware, the notes are long and redundant:

Notes:
Name Ideas
Steambaron's Teakettle (steampunkish theme? beware the judges)
Spirit Kettle (don't step on magic jar's toes)
Kettle of Mistform (yawn)

Note existing item: Kettle of Toin (D&D 3.5)
Metal does not heat up
Activated by music-incantation
Random-effect item (mostly silly and/or unrelated to kettle-ness of item)

Note previous items from RPG Superstar:

  • Tinnil's Stirring Rod: Changes color depending on what school of magic the substance it stirs is
  • Seer's Tea: Cast augury or turn augury into divination
  • Tankard of the Cheerful Duelist: Give +1/+2 luck bonus to AC.
  • Flask of Five Fifths: Hold 5 potions/other drinks in one bottle
  • Cayden's Cup: Cast 5-round bless on drink. Light mace. Holy symbol. Doesn't spill.

    --------------------------------

    Shouldn't be totally silly. Maybe make it small. Either black and elegant or simple clay/metal. Try to evoke imagery like Jaffar's genie lamp?

    Put in different substances and boil for different effects

  • Water, saltwater, mud, etc
  • Holy water
  • Potions, elixers
  • Poisons
  • Coffees, teas, alcohols, beverages, soup(!) :D
  • Extracts, Mutagens, Bombs(?)
  • Blood, urine, #2 (against contest rules, I know...), etc.
  • Sleeping draughts
  • Pesh and other drugs
  • Other substances

    Drink directly from it?

    Produce mist/steam-like effects

  • Different cloud effects? (Price of boiled thing determines CL?)
  • Imbiber turns to mist?

    Produce loud/magical/unusual sounds

  • Music?
  • Loud shrieking sound? Can act like alarm spell?

    Heat it with fire, torch, fire magic, etc.

  • Level of fire spell determines degree of effects/how long it takes to boil?
  • Maybe no need to heat it? (Automatically heating?)
  • Takes a few rounds to heat up
  • Consequences if heated for too long/with too hot a source?
  • Don't make it too situational to use. Why NEED a fire?

    Takes magical/chemical aspects of liquid and turns it into a cloud? Cloud has fragrance/taste/color of whatever is boiled?

  • Water -> Normal cloud
  • Mud -> Dust cloud
  • Beverage -> Tasty/fragranced cloud
  • Holy Water -> Cloud harmful vs. Undead/Evil Outsiders?
  • Potion -> Cloud with lessened effect of the potion
  • Poison -> Poison cloud with lessened effect of the poison
  • Alcohol -> cloud with lessened inebriation effects
  • Seer's Tea -> ??
  • Extracts WITHOUT infusion -> only affects Alchemists?
  • WITH infusion -> lessened effect of the extract/mutagen?
  • Alchemist's bombs -> even possible?

    Make it primarily an Alchemist item, secondarily a spellcaster item, tertiarily an anybody item?

    -------------------------------

    Don't make it a potion/elixer/etc. reduplication item. BORING and also stepping on Alchemist's toes

    A magical kettle which creates a 'fog cloud' of the color, taste, and fragrance of the liquid placed inside.

  • Water: fog cloud
  • Beverages
  • Holy water: 2d4/round vs undead and evil ousiders
  • Unholy water: 2d4/round vs good outsiders
  • Potions
  • Elixers
  • Extracts
  • Mutagens
  • Poisons
  • Pesh

    When heated by mundane fire, it takes 1 minute to boil and creates a cloud with a 10' radius and height.

    Any spell with the fire descriptor may be expended to heat the kettle instantly.

    The spell's other effects are not activated, but add an additional 5' to the radius of the cloud per level of the spell:
    Mundane 10'
    0 15'
    1 20'
    2 25'
    3 30'
    4 35'
    5 40'
    6 45'
    7 50'
    8 55'
    9 60'

    Has a lid that may be opened to silence the kettle or closed to produce a wailing shriek that can be heard up to X distance away.

    Does not function underwater.

    Take wind rules into account.

    Different substances may be put in the kettle to produce different kinds of clouds

  • Web Cloud: Traps creatures in web
  • Stinking cloud: Nauseates
  • Incendiary cloud: Deals fire damage
  • Fog cloud: Obscures vision
  • Cloudkill: Kills living creatures or deals
  • Consitution damage.
  • Euphoric cloud: Creatures in the cloud become fascinated and are considered to have taken a dose of pesh
  • Marathon Voter Season 6

    Thanks Clouds without Water! This makes me really want to bring it next year!

    And yeah. The pricing was the bit I spent the longest trying to figure out and honestly I just never got it right.

    Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

    Here is my item as I submitted it
    Critique of any kind is very welcome (Especially by Clark or Neil.)

    Pixie-Power Vest 252 words

    Spoiler:

    Pixie-Power Vest
    Aura Moderate Transmutation and Enchantment; CL 5th
    Slot Body; Price 20,000 gp; Weight 0.5 lbs.
    Description
    Upon dawning this simple green vest, the wearer reduces in size as the spell reduce person and sprouts a pair of figment wings for as long as he wears the vest.

    The color, shape and pattern of the wings can be altered by visualizing a new form as a free action.

    As a free action 5 times per day, the wearer may think a happy thought, causing the wings to flutter and and bear him aloft as the fly spell for 1 minute.

    A command word causes a vest pocket to produce a pinch of arrow-altering magical pixie dust three times per day. Once produced the dust may be drawn and sprinkled on an arrow as a free action, altering the arrow for one round. As long as the arrow is altered in this way, it does not inflict damage when it hits, only causing its new effect. The wearer may choose one of the following effects when changing an arrow this way. Unused dust loses its potency after one hour.


    • Sleep - Target falls asleep for 5 minutes. A DC 13 Will save negates.
    • Charm - As Charm Monster lasting 10 minutes. A DC 13 Will save negates.
    • Confusion - Target is Confused for 5 rounds as the spell Confusion. A DC 13 Will save negates.

    Construction
    Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Dancing Lights, Charm Person, Fly, Reduce Person, Lesser Confusion, Sleep; Cost 10,000 gp

    Things I noticed after submission:
    Spoiler:
    On the second day of voting I caught my stylistic gaff of not italicizing spell names.
    The last week of voting I caught my grammatical "and and" error.
    A couple days after the top 32 were announced I noticed that magic items with a CL of 5 should have an aura strength of "faint."

    Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Clouds Without Water

    1 person marked this as a favorite.
    Lady Firedove wrote:


    In thanks for all the reviews, some feedback on your own:

    Impressions: Name=ick. Not necessarily a bad name, just a gross concept. Tying something small together with bark sounds difficult. How are the little pointy stones attached? Magic, I suppose. It does what? Yuck, yuck, yuck. Wait, that's a spell? Let me look it up. Wow, that's gross. Who would actually want to use that spell? I'm having a hard time seeing the benefit. Hey, creating this item to make it so that you can animate other bodies' skins instead of your own is actually really clever. I'd much rather throw some dead person's skin at an enemy than my own. Hmm, a ten minute per day monster you can control and/or inhabit seems too powerful for a 2,000gp item. Other than possibly the cost, this seems mechanically sound, and is actually a clever idea. It's not something I'd likely use myself, because I tend to avoid the gross-out factor overall, but I can definitely see a place for an item like this in the game. :)

    Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, the grossout factor was a serious misjudgment on my part. I talked myself into thinking it was ok since it was playing off an existing spell, put in retrospect there's no reason to think that just because a spell exists that it's popular!

    As an aside, I think the skinsend spell itself is based on old legends of historical alchemy.

    I debated with myself about the price. The spells involved are low level and I tried to trade off the power of using someone else's skin with a much shorter duration, but this was a case where I should have applied some art and boosted the price.

    Thanks again!

    Star Voter Season 6

    Bombadil wrote:

    I praised this item over in the Toast thread, it was one of my favorites of the year.

    DOOMSTRING
    ... The biggest problem I see is the price, at 1,400 for a one use consumable the fact is that, as much as I like this item, it will never be purchased.

    Thank you for the kind words. I'll try to err on the side of "less expensive" for this sort of consumable.

    Star Voter Season 6

    Perfect Tommy wrote:
    Quote:
    The Lonely Man’s Instant Party]
    But I did have other issues. The 'crowd' are phantasms. And while the idea of difficult terrain due to a crowd is fine - what if the user simply closed his eyes? You didn't give a good explanation for why the difficult terrain would persist. Why no will save?

    If you close your eyes, you gain the blinded condition:

    PRD wrote:
    Blind creatures must make a DC 10 Acrobatics skill check to move faster than half speed. Creatures that fail this check fall prone.

    This is actually worse than rough terrain, IMO.

    Star Voter Season 6

    Dragonborn3 wrote:

    I made this because I love shapeshifting, and wanted to add to it a bit more.

    Necklace of Otherwordly Transmutation

    Spoiler:

    Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
    Slot Neck slot; Price 181,000 gp; Weight --
    Description
    Each of these plain silver necklaces is attuned to a particular alignment, and glows briefly when a person with the correct alignment puts it on. After 24 hours have passed, the wearer gains a special ability whenever they are under the effect of a beast shape spell, elemental form spell, or using the wild shape class feature.
    Lawful: The wearer gains a +1 Deflection bonus to Armor Class.
    Chaotic: The wear gains a +1 Dodge bonus to Armor Class.
    Good: The wearer grows angelic wings, gaining a fly speed of 30ft with average maneuverability. If the wearer already has a fly speed their maneuverabilty goes up one step instead.
    Evil: The wearer gains a bite attack, appropriate for their size, that deals 1 point of bleed damage. They gain a +1 to damage rolls if they already have a bite attack.
    Construction
    Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Spell Focus(Transmutation), Planar Wildshape or polymorph; a silver necklace worth 1,000gp Cost 95,000 gp

    The name is fairly cool, thought it could be shortened a bit to make it roll off the tongue easier.

    I love the concept of this item, but the cost itself is terrifyingly prohibitive. 181,000 gp!? None of the powers it gives come even close to being worth that pricetag.

    Finally, the abilities themselves are balanced fairly poorly:
    • An item that grants a Fly speed of 60 feet(as the spell) should cost 3*5*2000*2 = 60,000 gp. Since we're moving at 30 feet instead of 60, let's cut this down to 40,000 gp.
    • I can't think of any spell that gives a Bite attack, but if we value it as a feat then it should be priced at 10,000 gp.
    • A +1 Deflection bonus is worth 2,000 gp.
    • A +1 Dodge bonus is worth 4,000 gp.

    So if you're Chaotic Good, you get a value of 44,000 gp out of this item, but only when you're polymorphed. If you're Lawful Evil though, you only get a value of 12,000 gp out of this item. That's far from balanced.

    RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

    Perfect Tommy wrote:
    Brian Fruzen wrote:

    Flute of Silver Winds

    I absolutely *loved* this concept; thought it was top 10 in concept. To my eyes a concept that you could rework and apply again.

    The issue, I think, is that you didn't make the ability cool.

    Most, I think, don't know what impeded / enhanced traits do - and you didn't sell it to them.

    I thought the ability to using the bards performances at the same time - too strong.

    Thank you for the critique Perfect Tommy! I struggled with decide if writing the planar trait effects into the item was worth the space. In hindsight, I probably should have just come up with something new that gave a nod to planar effects without actually using them.

    My goal was to utilize an under-utilized set of the game rules though, and I think this item is worth working on a little more. Thank you for you insight! It's encouraging to know the concept met with approval by someone.

    Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 6

    Mother Luna’s Forgiveness
    Aura: moderate abjuration CL: 7th
    Slot: Neck Price: 39,200 gp Weight: --
    Description: A silver ring inscribed with Varisian wards against evil surrounds this polished onyx disc. As long as this amulet is worn next to the skin, it constantly prevents a good-aligned lycanthrope from assuming hybrid or animal form, regardless of whether the wearer is an afflicted or natural lycanthrope. Any Constitution checks made to voluntarily change shape while wearing the amulet automatically fail and during nights of the full moon, the wearer takes a -2 penalty to their Wisdom and Charisma ability scores due to the stresses placed on his body as the lycanthrope's natural cycle is magically suppressed. If the wearer is evil, this item automatically deals them 1d6 points of fire damage every round until the amulet is removed. This damage ignores all damage reduction and resistances.
    Construction:
    Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, true form; Cost: 19,600 gp

    Star Voter Season 6

    1 person marked this as a favorite.

    Whew... home finally from a long weekend out of town. I have a /tonne/ of reading to catch up on in here! In the mean time I will place my piece on the table for anyone who feels so kind as to offer their two cents on it.

    (I am also totally stealing Tamago's formatting.)

    My item was the....

    Lantern of Souls:

    Lantern of Souls
    Aura strong necromancy and abjuration; CL 16th
    Slot none; Price 42,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
    Description
    These curious and delicate lanterns come in many sizes and styles, operating as a normal lantern of its type. Once per day if the lantern is held above the dead body of a willing intelligent creature within three rounds of its death as part of a full round action, their soul becomes housed within the lantern for a year and a day. The lantern can only hold one soul at a time. Using a lantern with a soul already inhabiting it immediately expels the previous occupant. The character holding the lantern can communicate with the housed soul freely while the lantern is being held. A soul that willingly enters the lantern can permanently depart from it at any time.
    If the lantern of souls is used on an unwilling soul, the creature must make a DC 18 Will save or have its soul become trapped inside of the lantern for a year and a day, getting to make a new save on the first day of every new month to escape. While trapped, the creature's soul can be made to answer one question honestly every day. Clever creatures can however, twist the wording to be intentionally misleading.
    If the lantern is used as the focus of a resurrection spell for the soul inside of the lantern, the revived does not incur the standard negative level for being raised. Destroying the lantern (Hardness 1, 5 hit points) with a soul still in it immediately frees the soul and the lantern can no longer serve as a focus for resurrection.
    Construction
    Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimensional anchor, soul bind; Cost 21,000 gp

    Designer's Notes:
    This item was something I dropped into a game with my players a while back that really took off with a direction of it's own. The item eventually spawned it's own story line and quickly became one of my player's favorite magical toys. It seemed like a decent entry for my first RPG Superstar entry.

    The item was designed as a way to extend plots and NPC's and to have fun with that sort of "Genie" "Devil's Advocate" sort of mechanic that comes from wrangling careful wording into every request and really scrutinizing every answer. I also wanted a way for a player with a dead character awaiting resurrection (if possible) to still have a voice in the game and table until that was sorted out.

    Using the death of an important NPC to result as a sort of spiritual mentor is another hope I have for the item, even if it hasn't occurred yet. A sort of portable Obi-Wan Kenobi. For these instances and more, I hoped that people might enjoy the object as much as we have.

    Self Criticisms:
    THE NAME! Oi! It is so tepid and boring. I had planned to rename it the "Lantern of Wayward Mentors", but ended up staring at the body of the text in the window for so many days that the title just sort of faded away. I really hate the name a lot. Boring. Definitely not Superstar.

    I am concerned by the price. Pricing has never been a strong point of mine. I did my best to use the given advice of "comparing it to similar items" and tried to balance it's desirability of being on a shelf beside other similarly placed items. I am uncertain how I fared on this, but my gut tells me I was off the mark.

    I also find myself concerned with the length. I actually had to trim it down twice, and worried that I tried to cram too much into too little space. I tried to be concise, but it still feels bloated to me.

    Thank you again, anyone who deems the item interesting enough to offer feedback on. I would deeply appreciate learning more about what went right, and what went wrong.

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