Unreliable Narrator's page

Not a joke:

Scientists wanted to see if ants count steps to help them navigate. So they made tiny stilts, attached them to the ants, and watched them. Due to the increased stride from the stilts, the ants overshot their destination and were very confused. I don't know what is funniest about this: that someone thought about putting stilts on ants, that someone had to make the stilts, or that the ants walked the desired number of steps and were like "WTF? Where am I?".

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Celestial Healer wrote:

captain yesterday wrote:

Warning label on the safety glasses provided by work: Do not use for protection from large objects, liquid splashes, air dust, extreme temperature or severe impacts, such as explosions, fragmenting grids, and abrasive wheels.

It's a good thing I read that before trying to sharpen my eyeballs with a grinding wheel.

How else are we supposed to keep our eyeballs sharp?

yeah...

Eyeballs....

zips up, steps away from grinding wheel

Shopowner: "OK, I don't sell many grinding wheels. But how the hell are you wearing them out so fast?"

New mower (a high schooler): Who's the girl?

High Schooler I trained the last two years: That's Yesterday's daughter, I'd stay away

New mower: Yesterday doesn't seem so scary!

High Schooler I trained: He's basically Bruce Lee with an axe

New mower: Oh, I see.

Entirely Fictional Dude #1: "Whoa dude, like, have you ever seen Jackie Chan fight using a ladder?"

Entirely Fictional Dude #B: "Yeah, dude?"

Entirely Fictional Dude #1: "Yesterday's skilled like that, only with a mini-bobcat instead of a ladder, dude."

Entirely Fictional Dude #B: "Whoa dude!"

Entirely Fictional Dude #1: "Dude."

Entirely Fictional Dude #B: "Whoa."

Master Pugwampi wrote:

Pontiff Rysky, of Cult of Cosmo wrote:

*pokes Captain Yesterday with holy stick thingy^

I Blame Cosmo that all we have to strike at interlopers like CY are stick-like things full of holes.

I blame Cosmo for MP's lack of knowledge on this subject. Not true! We also have....

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

THE COMFY CHAIR!!!

Which is full of knives...

AS AN IMPORTANT LESSON, MANY OF THE CHAIR KNIVES ALSO CONTAIN TINIER SURPRISE KNIVES.

(I BLAME COSMO THAT THIS COMMENT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY HEARD IN CHRISTOPHER LEE'S VOICE.)

"A wizard must always take care of his staff, Hairy Baggins," said Gandolfadore. "He must protect it, not go poking it about looking to spring traps or thumping stone-headed orcs over the noggin. Thrusting it into dark holes must be done cautiously and tenderly until you can ascertain how best to plumb its depths. A wizard must keep his staff clean, taking time as needed to rub it gently and lovingly with warm oil. When the wood is young, this may occur two or three times a day. Use long, slow strokes to polish your staff..."

Scintillae wrote:

The existence of a history nerd who loves to read fantasy is a sad one. One day, I will find a female-led fantasy wherein they describe their outfits without declaring corsetry a deathtrap.

But how else are we to know what Lady Strand-Tuckington is wearing as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and considers her next bold move?

I’ll show myself out.

And with that, Quibblemuch breasted boobily to the door and titted outside.

Bus escaped the Burmuda Triangle like time warp and arrived.

Rick Peck: "OK, hear me out. What if Lost + Suicide Squad reboot -- John Ostrander, not David Ayer -- but everyone's trapped on the Speed bus?"

And actually, before the bus, the (now successful) plan was dinner at shake shack followed by aquarium for their half price tickets on Friday night special. So weekend's off to a good start.

Rick Peck: "Ellen Degeneres is an exec prod, so we've written her in as your conscious, like Jiminy Cricket but a fish of some sort. Shake Shack is interested in product placement."

Later that day...

you mean Global MegaCorporation doesn't speak Freehold?

I am offended!

[Malkovich Freehold] Milkmaid milkmaid? Milkmaid. Milkmaid milkmaid milkmaid milkmaid... milkmaid. [/Freehold]

Speaking of fun stories...

Maybe he was just belatedly celebrating the fourteenth anniversary of the Granby armored bulldozer rampage?

Now if only thanos's motivation had made a little more sense.

Thanos: "Yeah, it wasn't really about overpopulation or limited resources or trying to get out of the friendzone with" {tips Infinity Fedora} "M'Lady Death."

Thanos: "I... I just really hate people. Nothing personal. Everyday, everywhere, people people people. Irritating me, infuriating me in countless, stupid, self-absorbed ways."

Audience: OK, that's a motivation I can relate to.

Coulson: "Sounds like you just badly needed a vacation. You should visit Tahiti. Nice breezes, drinks on the beach, the prettiest sunsets. It's a magical place."

Thanos: "Where did you come from? Actually, that does sound ni-" <KERPOWWW!!!>

{Thanos is punched in his big stupid head by Carol Danvers flying at Mach 6}

Coulson: "Nuts." {pulls Very Large Gun from Hammerspace} "I never got to find out what this does."

The Time Prophet wrote:

This has happened before, it will happen again.

Hopefully someone in that squabbling cacophony has a plan this time.

{Opie Cunningham voiceover:} Like the Cylons, they didn't have a plan either.

Also, the goblins stole all the money from the banana stand. And then they burned it down. While they were still inside.

Also tall folk Reynolds did a very good job sketching the alchemist as a goblin folk...i mean, nobody better to blow things up, right?

{Craft (conspiracy) check: (1d20 + 1 ⇒ (15) + 1 = 16 vs DC 17)} Wayne Reynolds is actually a goblin, a gremlin, and a plush owlbear totem-poled on each other in a trench coat.

Meanwhile, the fridge shakes, then lurches as something crawls out from under it, scattering a previously-hidden horde of now necromantically-infused cat toys...

74) Will APs start explaining where their minion generators are stored in town?

"Warrior needs food – badly!"

Jon Favreau is voicing a character

And it’s probably this guy.

<_<

>_>

Favreau's character is Bourexa Casper, a spacer who needs one last big score of spice (11 kinds) so he can open his own food shuttle selling KFP (Kashyyyk Fried Porg).

That kid from the sitcom Happy Days is practically just trolling a few million of us fans at this point.

Arrested Development narrator: It turns out Opie Cunningham wasn't trolling you yet. But now that you put the idea in his head...

Be with us next time on The Rubit and Katwinkle Show for...

"Au Pair? Oh, Pear!"

or

"The Hufflepuff Truffle Kerfluffle"

1 out of every 1,000 Ubese Breen contains a disguised princess.

I prefer to think that the Shirren have a variety of genders based on the role (or lack thereof) an individual prefers to play in the rearing of children. That system is too complex for most Pact Worlders, so they use pronouns based on their sex in Common.

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Melkiador wrote:

Ryan Freire wrote:

BigNorseWolf wrote:

real roll players take asexuality, because DM's will just use your loved ones to draw you into a trap and it makes you susceptible to various charm monster like abilities.

This is true, if all your loved ones aren't dead you're just handing the gm a rope to yank you around by *nodnod*

Lol. I like to do the opposite so all of the story revolves around my character. My disposable loved ones make me the center of the universe.

It also makes generating backup characters easier when you've got an undisclosed number of identical twin/triplet/X+1 brothers with exactly the same stats and class levels. Just make sure your character's last will and testament leaves all his gear to his brother, who coincidentally happens to appear soon after your death.

.

Most of the threads I've recently posted on died

i wonder why

I am amused your "Pagess, Bringer of Death" alias isn't instead a "Trogdor, Bringer of Death" alias.

Delightful wrote:

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

Poor Doctor Donna.

At least she got marry someone she loved, be with her loving family, and still maintain something of a normal life that she seems to like. Bill's traveling the universe with a girl she kind of had a crush on. What about all her friends and family on Earth? S%%%, what about finishing her education? I mean, I guess she could always go back to Earth but I still wish she had a better sendoff that didn't feel like such a clumsy narrative get out of jail free card. Puddle Ex Machina can only happen on Doctor Who.

Well she is a Time Travelling puddle, presumably she could pop home just after she left and sort things out, explain about the drippyness, finish her classes, etc...

.

Dennis the Space Peasant: "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds time-traveling through the universe is no basis for a satisfying character denouement. Supreme narrative power derives from a tight screenplay and believable, actualized characters, not from some farcical aquatic deux ex machina."
King Moffat: "Be quiet!"
Dennis: "You can't expect to wield supreme narrative power just 'cause you write in some watery tart that steps in the 11th hour to unfridge the character you lazily fridged in the first place."
Moffat: "Shut up!"

{adds Starfinder Evangelist to list of CY's aliases}

Dragoncat wrote:

Um...

...well, there was the time...

** spoiler omitted **

Sounds like to me just another kind of gladiator contest. ;)

{Mortal Kombat voiceover:} FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Talonhawke wrote:

Dark Midian wrote:

The ə! wrote:

Digitalelf wrote:

The people who are really "hard core" believers in the Mandela Effect, blame the CERN Large Hadron Collider and Quantum computers for punching holes in the fabric of reality.

At this point, it's much more likely to be the CW's Barry Allen and/or Rip Hunter.

Nah, it's Superboy Prime punching reality so hard he changes the universe. :v

What if we are all just characters in a novel and the Mandala effect is simply the Author re-writing some of the backstory.

I'd like to request a new writer.

The Universe rolls

Congrats, everyone's new writer for Sector 2814 is 1d100 ⇒ 77... Chuck Tingle.

I was right. Where's my cookie? ;)

Thank you Odraude! But your cookie is in another castle thread!

Fixes should now be in place for the display of New Posts as well as the My Campaigns Tab.

In the frozen room of Serv'Or, Sir Erik slew the troublesome pugwampis. And there was much rejoicing.

Limeylongears wrote:

Don't know about you lot, but this evening I conquered the tower of Zanbar Bone.

Is that a sex thing? It sounds like a sex thing. A weird, British, sex thing.

Zanbar Bone is Ken Bone's weirder, less famous uncle.

captain yesterday wrote:

I'm not worried, I've been jacking off on every pine tree I find , so it's only a matter of time until some genetic scientist walks by one becomes curious, then the next thing you know lil Freehold The Third is getting chased with Jeff Goldblum through some third world country by a Yesterdayosaurus Rex. :-)

o_O

I...see...

What a... twist?!

By our standards combined... we... are... Abjshdyridbxjcskjshdh!

{somewhere, somewhen... a magical imp is suddenly banished back to his home dimension}

Out in the mountains yesterday, chilling, eating lunch and feeding a jay, and struck up a conversation with a family who also wanted to see the jay. They're from Illinois, and they lived in the same town I did at the same time, around 1990. When I went to Hawaii, struck up a conversation with people on the beach, and they were from that same town.

What the heck? Is everyone required to live in that town of 25,000 at some time in their lives?

Uh oh, she's figuring out she's the lead on The Treppa Show. What we owe her in backpay and hazard pay will drain our budget for this season. Quick, distract her somehow!

I just saw Salvatore at connecticon. He was doing autographs. I have a long history of hate for the man and am proud that I didn't say anything stupid, as his booth was diagonally across from mine and I had to stare at him all weekend.

{somewhere, somewhen, Salvatore tosses in a restless sleep, haunted by a vision of the unnamed Avatar of Ultimate Blackmanliness who stared silently at him throughout the Con. His unconscious self feels deep shame under the Avatar's stern and disappointed gaze. He awakens suddenly, not quite free of his fever dream, and begins writing his final Drizzizzizzzizz't book, "The Final Problem", with a strong focus on this mysterious, hauntingly handsome, new muse.

Chapter One begins, Salvatore discovers surprisingly, with expys of Alton Brown and Joss Whedon all "Rosencrantz-&-Guildenstern-ing it up", unaware they are both on a lethal date with a massive avalanche...}

That awesome moment when you realize that you've gone to Golden Corral... and it's before five o'clock! Those carbs are miiiiiiiinnnnnnneeee~!

>:D

{GM makes "Has moved from Middle Age into Floridian Retiree age category" note on Tacticslion's character sheet}

Does that mean the Starfinder team always has to wait for the Pathfinder team to go through the boxes of donuts before they get any, so that they are always left with the plain cake ones?

This is why each member of the Starfinder team should keep a sekrit hidden jar of Nutella for just such emergencies. It would also prove a source of high-energy nutrition in case House Upstairs lays Sutterfell under siege and the team has to wait until the nanotriops finish chewing an escape tunnel.

So, Jaime, hope Littlefinger lets you borrow his teleporter...

sits casually on a mantle just behind Limey

Sorry, they're still in the wash.

Somewhere, somewhen, a cranky catfolk elder silently curses the commercialization of Winteryule as his grandliter sleeps, visions of the Nuts on the Shelf figurine filling their heads with neutering nightmares...

So why make Golarion disappear?

Clearly the Martial Arcanists of Golarion Optimizer's Guild (M.A.G.O.G.) perfected the art of murderhoboing with their ultimate base class, the Krikkiter. As a result, the gods immediately sealed the planet in a Slo-Time Mayonnaise Jar, within which time would pass almost infinitely slowly for the professional murderhobos until the end of the Universe. Thus the rest of the Universe is now safe from being killed until dead, their corpses chunky-salsa'ed, and all their belongings looted for resale.

... A) Rags isn't that much older than me, and B) I really need to find the Vegas of time traveling, which is where I suspect I'll find future Golarion.

You must fight Matthew Broderick to the death, and steal his immortal hand of Dick "Vecna" Clark.

How many different characters can the same guy play in the same show? Tune in to find out! Eat your heart out, Peter Sellers!

{somewhere, somewhen Tatiana Maslany rolls her eyes}

who are you

Tonight's episode of CSI: Threadlock Refugees is sponsored by:

• Mutual of Kobold Insurance
  
• Limey Inc's Press-On Ear Tips, and
  
• Mr. Peabody's DIY Home Trepanning Kit

Are you really going to ignore the guy with the four thousand dollar suit.

In fact, Gob had started to alienate some of the FaWtLees.

On the next Arrested FaWtLopment, Freehold finally gets a call from the Bonchon Group with a life-changing opportunity. But Alton Brown had stolen his cellphone, and his life stays the same.