Dowager Comtesse de Malodor's page

46 posts. Alias of Limeylongears.


No, it hasn't, and furthermore, while spinning two hula hoops around *that* is a most impressive feat of dexterity, I do wish you wouldn't do it at breakfast.

I think Uncle Honore might consider chewing that particular part to be a little over-familiar, dear.

I suppose this is what passes for half-time entertainment in the Blood War.

Yes, dear, I can see. Hopefully Marquis G. and the Baron of Vidmaster are going to choke him with the peanut butter and jelly before he regains consciousness.

GoatToucher wrote:
George Carlin wrote:
My first thought is "STEP ON THAT THING! Step on it before it gets to the children!!!"

Mine as well. I'm having a dinner party tonight and the Arch Viceroy to the Lord of [INCOMPREHENSIBLE NOISE THAT MAKES YOUR EYEBALLS ITCH] has a host of food allergies. I have a very particular menu in mind.

Foot-Crushed Tardigrade is a delicacy of particular nuance, suited for the most sophisticated of palates and the most sensitive of viscera.

Should we bring our own sacrificial victims?

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Alphonse! Really!

Ah, he can make gestures, so he still has hands, which means Vampire Schism still has work to do. Action stations!

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Nosferatu Fester Addams wrote:

*Gives Vampire Schism an almost GoatToucher-like taunting glance.*

Make me, please, I'd love to see what you can come up with.

*Continues to eat Uncle Honore and other deceased members of the Malodor family.*

Ohohoho, I'm going to enjoy this. Alphonse has been behaving himself, and I was worrying about getting out of practice.

Assume the position, Addams.

GoatToucher, even you may find this instructive.

Please yourself. Just wash your hands afterwards, and don't be late for dinner. Malcanthet is coming over.

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Aduro needs to take his head out of his delicately scented LG bumhole. No wicked villains indeed - hmph!

And how is that supposed to make me feel better exactly, Count?

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If only that were remotely possible, my dear Schism.

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:
King Friday the 13th? Are you mad Schism? He was the most terrifying, horrible, evil being to ever come into existence! Not only did he ransack your entire homeland, he also personally butchered your whole family whist making you watch! Then again, he was your father until you killed him.

Pfeh. Amateur.

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Trust me, dearest boy, that's the least of your worries right now. *cracks knuckles*

Perhaps somebody would like to tell me precisely what is going on here.

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Alphonse is CN - Complete Numpty.

He won't be farting anything if I have any say in the matter. Lashcastrakaa, kindly take this Large morningstar - it's time to activate Plan Pluttbug!

Behind schedule as usual, Octave. Whatever did I see in you, really?

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Sanpao, Pirate King of Makai wrote:
It's Makai and yes, I'm afraid that there is (but I don't think we are technically married). Her name is Kensa, she's a sorceress, and we have a daughter named Ria.

Blast. I thought you might be suitable for Juliette, though she isn't hugely keen on men with scurvy. Never mind.

GeneStealer Mining Corporation wrote:
Grandmother, what happened to grandfather anyway? Also, please help us, uncle is being mean again!

Xzkhnee'ag'ankznylthrb, what is the matter? Given that you and all 5000 of your brothers and sisters hatched out of the chest of a living nun, I wouldn't have thought a bit of unpleasantness would bother you, but tell me what the trouble is.

And kindly do not mention that man's name in my presence. Him and that hussy Iggwilv - hmph! 'O, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary, I was stuck in an iron flask'. Pull the other one, Octave.

H'mm... Tell me, is there a Mrs Pirate King of Matai?

Mine. It's actually caramelised Lantern Archon, but the net effect is much the same.

And how lovely to see you again, Snow White's Mother! May I possibly trouble you for your poisoned apple recipe? I need a more-or-less subtle way of getting rid of one or two of Juliette's old boyfriends.

Only two beings are allowed to thrash my son, namely myself and Lashcastrakaa, and I would rather not have a tumescent GoatToucher wandering about when my grand garden party is about to begin. We're saving him for later, and it'd spoil the surprise.

I have certain Demands of Belphegor.

Z'fgn'aaakhthuuxx, dear, I know you mean well, but please refrain from killing my wretched son. Every time it happens, he's exiled back to my portion of the Nine Hells for 100 years, and I married off the stupid boy and got him a commission in the Army in order to get him out of my bloody hair.

Offerings? For moi? How utterly delightful! Crucified paladins are my absolute favourite, too. And all to the accompaniment of my top 'Queen' track of all time.

More tea, Graz'zt? Tell me, have you met my daughter, Juliette?

Oh, how very charming. Darling, are you alright?

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Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:
What's all this now? A GeneStealer Cult THIS side of the multiverse? And what's more they have become a mining industry and kidnapped Lady Blackmoor to spawn more of them (well, I guess that Dowager Comtesse de Malodor will be able to say that she's a grandmother now and who knows, maybe they can help her with that blood war still going on). Still, that was a very risky move in the first place.

No child of mine will EVER spawn with a Tyranid! I demand Chaos Marauder or better!

It's a real shame that Juliette and Abaddon the Despoiler never hit it off. {Sigh}

Fester, my daughter has been kidnapped by some ghastly fortune-hunting four-armed cads. Fetch Count Reiner - I'll tell Alphonse and darling Lashcastrakaa.

Believe me, Count, I sympathise deeply, but killing him now would jeopardise my alliance with Mestophiles, so please hold off.

He's over there, dear, polishing a couple of gelugons. You can either wait until his skeleton grows back, or we can send a servant over with a shovel.

By the way, Juliette, what happened to your husband, Sir Polydore the Pure?

I'll text her and ask her.

Belphegor wrote:
Dowager Comtesse de Malodor wrote:
Oh, by the blistered bell-end of Belphegor, Alphonse, NO NUNS! Go to your room without any housemaids!

You called my Dear Lady?

*Bows and kisses her hand.

Duke! How delightful to see you!

After you've finished transforming Gruumash into a lemure, we need to talk Blood War. I think a spell of military discipline would do my wretched son no end of good.

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Oh, by the blistered bell-end of Belphegor, Alphonse, NO NUNS! Go to your room without any housemaids!

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Idiot boy! What have we told you about wearing your Marat costume in conditions of poor visibility?

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:
All I know on the matter is that the leading lady of the production will be portrayed by the great Dowager Comtesse de Malodor, herself.

Actually, I'm using a stand-in Marilith. I must remember to wipe my feet afterwards.

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Bar-Igura vomit is the latest thing in Infernal beauty treatments, children, so you can stop snickering.

Yes, I know.

Count, using ESP on a Lady or Gentleman is simply Not Done, and besides, if you really want to know what my son is thinking, simply read his column in 'GoatToucher Weekly'

Darling, they're professionals. Don't try that at home.

Alphonse, don't interfere with Pulg's wives.

Alphonse, leave the yams alone.

Ah, Dr. Baphomet - just in time. That mixture of the curdled souls of 14 unicorns who died in horrible agony and Yakult has done wonders for my flatulence. You truly are a marvel.

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Enchanté, Count, and thankyou for your hospitality. More than the 'darling children' are prepared to offer.

I say, are those candied gnomes?

Would be easier if I had a nice couple of adorable grand-tieflings.

Alphonse! You never call, you never write, you never summon me from the lower planes...