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I send IHIYC into Deathtrap Dungeon, to die in accordance with the whims of baron Sukumvit of Fang!
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Cardinal Fang! Tie Sissyl to...THE RACK!
Cardinal Biggles! Give the rack a...oh dear...give the rack a turn I know, I know, just PRETEND, for god's sake!
I force Mikhail to fix the incompetence of his minions. The sheer frustration should drive him to end his own life to escape the torment.
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There was a psycho had an axe
and also Terrinam-O
Tee Ee Ar Ar Oh!
Eye In Aa Mm Oh!
psycho cut off his toe
and thus died Terrinam-O
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In the bath goes the microwave oven
We carve a groove in his privitie-ie-ie-ie-ies,
We've got to smooth him with
Giant cheese-graters
We've got to murder that JDTV-ee.
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I prick Pulg with a needle. He pops just like a balloon.
I travel back in time and rescue Sissyl from the Titanic...by throwing her an inflatable life raft! ;)
Spielberg's probably already filmed her remains.
I introduce IHIYC to the latest 'wellness' craze after raw water: lying under a tank!
I polymorph Pulg to look like me and send him back in time to suffer my first death.
The next logical health craze is eating s%%+. Seriously. You just need to package and lightly process it. Call it organic (it certainly is), fair trade, gluten free, low calorie, and add some vitamins to it. Say it conditions your immune system. And then you can start producing special types of s#&$ from various people with various diets.
I drive over Terrinam. When he goes to the emergency ward, I make sure they give him a proper immune conditioning treatment. Intravenously.
The next logical health craze is eating s%+&. Seriously. You just need to package and lightly process it. Call it organic (it certainly is), fair trade, gluten free, low calorie, and add some vitamins to it. Say it conditions your immune system. And then you can start producing special types of s#$% from various people with various diets.
I drive over Terrinam. When he goes to the emergency ward, I make sure they give him a proper immune conditioning treatment. Intravenously.
Re: your health craze, they call it the 'Sade Diet'. My very good friend the Marquis swears by it.
I send Sissyl into the Marianas Trench in a water-soluble submarine.
I drown Comte de Malodor in the Marinara sauce!
I march my brother off a pier overlooking a molten lava waterfall. It's not cruel. He wakes up early on Easter and eats all my M&Ms out of my basket.
I put a copper penny on the railway track so it gets flattened by the oncoming train.
Oh, whoops - it's not a copper penny, it's Kali Altzairu! What a silly sausage I am!
I set Pulg down on a merry-go-round that is currently daisy chained to a 392ci Hemi V8. At 5600 RPM, Pulg is Puréed and his ensuing bits will be donated to——you guessed it——a sausage factory!
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I declare Xanac to be a mountain range and march elephants over him.
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I march the mountain range over General Hannibal and his elephants.
I strap Skiron to a couch and psychoanalyze him until he loses his will to live.
I sit and wait ten minutes for Freud to die of old age on his own.
While waiting for Freud to die ALG sneaks up and lights GT on fire ... beautiful cleansing fire to end any thoughts of what he has done before.
I hold the Angry Little Guy close so that he joins me in blessed immolation.
As my juices boil, they mingle with his. MmmmMMmm...
Having persuaded GT that a bireme is a sort of warship that swings both ways, he is easily tricked into swimming, naked and aroused, in between the two warring fleets at the battle of Salamis, where he is struck dead by a falling hoplite.
As Pulg cackles watching GTs demise. I comb what seems to be oil into his beard and hair ... it is in fact wax mixed with iron fillings so when I push him into the water ... he drowns.
I strap Monica Bellucci to a bounce house and invite the all the fourth graders west of the Mississippi to bounce to their hearts' content. While her death is tragic, it does bring joy to millions of kids.
JTDV is feed a few of those fourth graders filled with balloons of DDT. Once he bites the surprise inside is ... fatal.
I put the Angry Little Guy into a jar so I can keep him all summer, but I forgot to poke holes in the lid, so...
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I reveal to Goat Toucher all the truly horrible things he has done in his life too him. He is overwhelmed and unable to forget or not think about it. Not wanting to even touch himself he finds a volcano and jumps into it cleansing himself with wonderful purifying fire.
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At the last moment, I mind-swap GoatToucher and The Golden God.
I ensure that Charlie Brown finally makes that punt, but with a Vulture and not a football
With me Pirate Healin' Hands, I grow The Lobster a new nose, but forget to tell it to stop growin'. As such, when it reaches a length of around 3 metres and a weight of approximately half a tonne, their neck breaks suddenly.
I help Dr Pirate remove a loose tooth by tying a string from his tooth to a door knob. I then shut that door at the speed of light. It pulls his tooth out! But at the same time, his organs are ripped apart from the tidal forces of infinite mass stretched across his body.
Using unwholesome dark arts of yore, best forgotten to history, I craft a nose for JTDV. They are overwhelmed by their own fetor, and, after several attempts at self-mutilation, ultimately fling themselves into a volcano to escape the stench.
Here comes the murdery girdery man, he's singing songs of love murder, with a girder.
I use my Midas touch on AM GOLD.
Tell GoatToucher about Sissyl's Midas touch ... After the vents that transpire after that Sissyl will take her own life.
Having harnessed the power of the Midas Touch, I tap MB with a wand of horn and bone, transforming her into a golden statue.
My attendants transport her to my storage facility.
I bestow the power of the Midas Touch on GT when he's mid-goat, which means that he can't get it out, so he starves to death.
I put a tiny, gold statue of a man with a goat under a rigged box. As Pulg reaches for the statue muttering, "How did he get so small," the trap springs and Pulg is caught. Pulg also starves to death.
I strap I'm Hiding In Your Closet to a baseball pitching machine. It takes him a while to die, but the pummeling he takes is admirable.
I hand I'm Hiding In Your Closet a ticket to Willie Wonka's Bull-Milking Factory. He accepts, arrives, and is summarily put to work. Four weeks later he is found dead: gored to death and stuck to the ceiling.