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Hello all.
I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I thought it may as well be General Discussion. The basic purpose of this thread is to post your favorite Pathfinder or DnD jokes, be they in or out-of character.
My favorites are
"If a rogue stands tries to fight in a party, and no Bard is around to laugh, is he still underpowered?"
GM:I honestly have no idea what is supposed to be here. This AP is very rail-roady and doesn't give any description. You find nothing.
PC:I start heading to town to warn them about the black hole that formed here.
Me:I stop your PC and say "Guys its OK, I've heard of these. They're called "plot holes", and mean that we should ignore this place.
So, what are your favorite jokes about or in PF/DnD?
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So our Fighter was awoken by an assassin holding a crossbow to his face. Told to stand back and drop his weapon, he seriously contemplated doing so before the wizard shouted "don't worry! Crossbows only do like 1d8!"
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A fighter, rogue, cleric, and wizard walk into a bar.
You would have thought they would have passed their Perception roll.
One of the players in my group was trying to map out the part of the world we were adventuring in, and he asked, "So, is this part of the Empire of the Pedal Throne?".
A paladin walks into a bar...
Hang on, is this the one about Mount?
No, it's the Lay on hands one.
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I've had a running gag with Goblins in my game, that the PCs just aren't quite sure how to handle yet, and have run the gamut from just smushing the poor goblin to trying to adopt the Goblin as a minion.
Basically during the first fight of the campaign, goblins and orcs laid siege to the town the PCs were in, and were winning at first, but the tide turned against them, with most of the orcs and goblins being killed off. Soon three goblins ran past the front line to run amok in the city, leaving a lone goblin fighting a magus and fighter, both of whom the goblin had hit with a short sword in rounds before. The goblin looked at its compatriots running away, dropped his sword and started to walk away saying "I Quit."
The Magus hesitated, and looked at the fighter, "I....don't know how to react to that."
The dwarven fight looked at the Magus and said "Dwarven Diplomacy." and cleaved the goblin with his axe.
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Oh oh oh... the 'Tom & ses Chums' movie... I love that one too!
It's a classic at our weekly table too :-)
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Rogues.
Sorry, sorry... Couldn't resist...
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I feel like these classics belong here.
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In before ro...dammit, Lemmy!
Mr. Welch's big-ass list of things he can no longer do in an RPG. Not all DnD/Pathfinder, but the majority applies and a lot of them are just funny.
Anytime I try and describe the physical robustness of a creature without using diminutive, fine, tiny, small, medium, large, huge, gargantuan, or colossal. My group snickers when I start to use any of them and stall.
I overuse massive. I admit it.
My character Caldax Godelyl, Drow 'adventurer' wanted for numerous acts of crimes against sentient beings, property damage, piracy, theft, banditry, unrepentant blasphemy against the most holy church of Asmodeus, murder, attempted murder, gambling, aiding and abetting enemies of the states, arson, and wanted for questioning for numerous other acts that can't quite be connected to him.
All that from level 4 to 6 too! And he was a rogue!
...wanted for numerous acts of crimes against sentient beings, property damage, piracy, theft, banditry, unrepentant blasphemy against the most holy church of Asmodeus, murder, attempted murder, gambling, aiding and abetting enemies of the states, arson, and wanted for questioning for numerous other acts that can't quite be connected to him...... and jaywalking.
...and lollygagging.
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A running gag at my gaming table is that only humans understand puns; none of the other races understand the suggestions implied in a pun. Whenever a pun is now made at the table, the players groan, roll their eyes, and say, “Human jokes…”.
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Venture-Captain Drendel Dreng is the ongoing joke in PFS at least at my local chapter...It is annoying and every time someone mentions him I roll my eyes...
My favorite joke happened recently in the newer season 5 scenario Destiny of the Sands part 1:
At one point you have to leave the city and get a magical rod and bring it back to him. The city is surrounded by customs inspectors and to avoid a heavy fine for a new item one of the characters stuck it up his anus. Not only did the party get through customs but they told the customs inspector that all of the trade caravans coming in that day were at the behest of Grandmaster Torch and he would be footing the bill for any taxes. Skip ahead a bit and they are delivering the items to Grandmaster Torch, the character with the Rod drops trou, turns around, bends over, and I quote "I let it turtle head out just a little bit and tell him that if he wants it he will have to pull it out". If we hadn't of been right there at the end we would have hit our time limit because the laughter went on for close to 30 minutes.
So the ongoing joke in Part 2 has been pretty much any reference to "turtle head"
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Yo mama's so fat, her Speed is listed as, "Hell no!"
- Roy Greenhilt, Order of the Stick
RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32
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In a Eberron Kingmaker conversion I'm currently playing, we kept defeating groups of bandits, while taking some prisoner and having some other die from the combat. For a while we had a bit of a dark running gag of making the prisoners dig graves while not being entirely clear if they were digging their own graves or not. Every time we just ended up exiling the survivors(and burying the actual dead). Except for one pair, who now run a gravedigging/manual labor business in our capital.
I played in a very long running 3.0 campaign where we stole a joke from Futurama. There is a "what if?" episode involving Stephen Hawking where he keeps referring to sciency things with "I call them Hawking holes" (or whatever noun). We started doing this to the poor DM every session. Someone would spout "I call it a Hawking (noun)" and the DM would get this somewhat crazed look, especially if it was a serious section of the plot. I'm pretty sure we pulled this off weekly for over two years.
In Carrion Crown you can get a [spoiler]Mi-go gun that shoots frost cones[/i] and we ended up calling it the "Whammo Air Blaster."
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Finally -- Early in the campaign, my group's paladin fell to an Owlbear...
How did the Owlbear cause the Paladin to fall? Did he present him a moral conundrum?
::slaps knee::
Ah, Human Jokes...
So our Fighter was awoken by an assassin holding a crossbow to his face. Told to stand back and drop his weapon, he seriously contemplated doing so before the wizard shouted "don't worry! Crossbows only do like 1d8!"
Which is exactly why there should be a rule allowing to ready a coup de grace, even though it's a full-round action.
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Your momma's sooooo fat...
...she gets a -8 size category modifier to AC.
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We have simplified grapple
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Your mammas SOOOOO dumb....
She needs to spend her first stat boost on INT just so she can take feats.
GM: Knoc Knoc
Player Who´s there?
GM: You at heaven´s door.
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WHERE ARE THE CHEETOS?
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Yo mamma so fat....
Rovagug said "damn girl! How much you eat?"
...and lollygagging....wanted for numerous acts of crimes against sentient beings, property damage, piracy, theft, banditry, unrepentant blasphemy against the most holy church of Asmodeus, murder, attempted murder, gambling, aiding and abetting enemies of the states, arson, and wanted for questioning for numerous other acts that can't quite be connected to him...... and jaywalking.
How could I forget those? And my stealing candy from babies (though they turned out to halflings <.< )
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Long ago my players for whatever godawful reason attempted to have a high level cleric cast a heal spell on their newest member who was at deaths door...
In first edition the heal spell heals you fully for all except 1d4 hit points...
The newest member was a first level mage with but 2 lone hit points...
I even suggested a cure light wounds spell as it would be cheaper and since the little mageling was only at 0 hitpoints...more practical.
Cue really drunk players...never game and drink by the way..."We want only the best for our little mage!!!"
MMMkay...I roll a d4...get a...4!
Look at the player..."You're now at NEGATIVE 2!
"Did that cleric just KILL ME?"..."With A Heal Spell?!?"
Everyone was lost in laughs and giggles for 5 minutes.
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GM/Pirate Captain: Men, tonight we shall stuff our hulls with extravagant meat!
Naturally, everyone in the group heard "holes" not "hulls." It was DAYS before we could resume gaming.
***
GM: Even though the Mournland has been cursed for years, plagued with monstrosity and death, you manage to find a hidden pantry full of fresh food, maintained by some unknown magic.
New Player: It's because of all the preservatives!
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Players: I think we should call it. You're too drunk to proceed.
GM: Imma not too dunk. *attempts to stand up* *collapses*
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So a friend of mine was running a game were he had decided to add random encounters with a ninja goblin. We had just recruited one of the players room mates to join the game. Ironically each session he was the character randomly selected (By a dice roll, the DM even swapped the numbers around). Each time he found the goblin ninja it would yell something Japanese and shoot him with a poisoned dart,putting him to sleep. The goblin would then proceed to pull his pants down and vanish. So the rest of the party would randomly find the new guy asleep and drooling with his bare butt in the air. So in the fifth session the room mate comes across the goblin and IRL groans and simply asks the DM "Can i keep my pants on this time?" we all break out laughing as we see the pain in his face for his characters embarrassment.
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The GM had an assassin-cat try to kill my character. The little critter was coup de gracing me every round, then sending me back to sleep with its magical purring.
My PC finally makes his save and wakes up. There is nobody around but this little cat. I take my bow and shoot at the cat.
- GM : This is pure metagaming.
- Me : Come on. I just woke up because something tried to kill me and all I see is this strange cat that was not there before.
- GM : It's only a cat. Why would your character shoot such a cute little cat ?
- Me to the rest of the group : Guys, you know my character, right ? When Sir Felix walks on the street and sees a cute little cat, what does he do ?
- Rest of the group : He kicks it.
- Me to the GM : See ?
- GM : Ok. Shoot.