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*offers the ScrewtInGENCONROOMHOUSING debacle hugs, because needed.*
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*Takes a deep breath, rubs her hands briskly together, wonders if campfires care for potassium, calcium, or other exotically reactive metals as fuels.* (Sorry, that’s the alchemist in me wondering, getting excited by the possibility of unusual colours.)
It’s been a few days, but I just wanted to thank you all for being wonderful people; you really cheered me up over the weekend. This morning, too, I had a chance to get some stuff together for clinic-y type things, so I’ve got some modest hopes up for the next few weeks.
I hope everyone’s week and beyond has something to look forward to. *Smiles shyly, offers a sympathetic ear (er, I guess that would be eye, in text) for folks who need to vent.*
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@Qunnessaa
Just throw on a handful of salt.
Warm smiles and knowing nods to anyone who needs an acknowledgement of the tough times without actual, you know, touching.
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@Qunnessaa
Just throw on a handful of salt.
Warm smiles and knowing nods to anyone who needs an acknowledgement of the tough times without actual, you know, touching.
[off-topic]I suppose, but it doesn't quite have the frisson of "Good heavens! who let you back into the lab?" and rapidly oxidizing materials. :) I have some fond memories of college chemistry, including times when my silly lab partners didn't get told off for mucking around with things that should be kept away from clueless teenagers. (I told them to trust our instructor, but noooo...)[/off-topic]
Anyway, I've also found a bit of solace lately in snatching some time for reading with my morning tea before heading off for my day. My apologies if it's already been mentioned here or otherwise been done to death, but I've recently acquired a copy of the anthology Troubling the Line: Trans and Genderqueer Poetry and Poetics, which, while often difficult, I've also found rewarding and sometimes heart-warming. It was quite moving to find an entire anthology of people thinking and poet-ing very hard about trans and genderqueer things in that way.
I'm now slowly working through Michelle Tea's Black Wave, because sometimes dark humour helps in troubled times, but I'm definitely finding it rather strong meat.
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*offers the ScrewtInGENCONROOMHOUSING debacle hugs, because needed.*
I will certainly offer hugs for anyone who got hurt by the GenCon housing lottery. I sell my soul to Paizo every year just so I don't have to deal with that.
I mean I also like GMing, but seriously, not having to deal with that housing lottery is tech.
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Something I was needing to ask, one of my friends came out to me as trans and I directed her to this thread and the absolutely awesome posters herein, but she's still not that comfortable with being open about it in public (People* she knows in RL are on these boards) and so she asked to me to come here and ask in her place if there was any non-monetary resources anyone could recommend that I direct her to?
*She did come out to her to her gaming group though and they're supporting her so yay!
I will certainly offer hugs for anyone who got hurt by the GenCon housing lottery. I sell my soul to Paizo every year just so I don't have to deal with that.
I mean I also like GMing, but seriously, not having to deal with that housing lottery is tech.
*hugs returned*
...if only I was a bit younger and capable of doing a proper wageslavin' run... it'd have a greater 'cash' value than it costs me to go every year...
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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Something I was needing to ask, one of my friends came out to me as trans and I directed her to this thread and the absolutely awesome posters herein, but she's still not that comfortable with being open about it in public (People* she knows in RL are on these boards) and so she asked to me to come here and ask in her place if there was any non-monetary resources anyone could recommend that I direct her to?
*She did come out to her to her gaming group though and they're supporting her so yay!
Could you elaborate a little bit on what "non-monetary resources" means? Is she looking for specific information, support groups, clothing/makeup, trans-sympathetic medical/psychological professionals? All of the above? It would also help to know where she lives, generally, if she's comfortable sharing that. That way we'll know whether to suggest national/internet-based resources versus local stuff.
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*Warm shelter, cozy atmosphere and bright light against dark thoughts, the perfect place for hugs and shy smiles and conversation*
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* now offering hugs - both big bear and non-big bear, handshakes, nods, sympathetic ears, shoulders for crying on, and anything else anyone wants or needs to get through the day *
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Could you elaborate a little bit on what "non-monetary resources" means? Is she looking for specific information, support groups, clothing/makeup, trans-sympathetic medical/psychological professionals? All of the above? It would also help to know where she lives, generally, if she's comfortable sharing that. That way we'll know whether to suggest national/internet-based resources versus local stuff.Something I was needing to ask, one of my friends came out to me as trans and I directed her to this thread and the absolutely awesome posters herein, but she's still not that comfortable with being open about it in public (People* she knows in RL are on these boards) and so she asked to me to come here and ask in her place if there was any non-monetary resources anyone could recommend that I direct her to?
*She did come out to her to her gaming group though and they're supporting her so yay!
I guess information, or a support group? I don't know where she lives.
I'm sorry :(
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*hugs to all*
I'm a Bi guy (arguably an advanced bear posing as a human) living with 3 trans-women, including my awesome partner, her best friend/sister, and bf/s's partner. If you need a sympathetic ear, shoulder, or whatever, you can lean on me; the girls do. I'm more than happy to listen about your character or whatever is going on in your life, judgement free.
As to those with Gencon housing hate, I check multiple times a day to see if anything opens up. If I snag anything downtown with a borrowed crew account, I'm more than happy to pass it along.
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Could you elaborate a little bit on what "non-monetary resources" means? Is she looking for specific information, support groups, clothing/makeup, trans-sympathetic medical/psychological professionals? All of the above? It would also help to know where she lives, generally, if she's comfortable sharing that. That way we'll know whether to suggest national/internet-based resources versus local stuff.Something I was needing to ask, one of my friends came out to me as trans and I directed her to this thread and the absolutely awesome posters herein, but she's still not that comfortable with being open about it in public (People* she knows in RL are on these boards) and so she asked to me to come here and ask in her place if there was any non-monetary resources anyone could recommend that I direct her to?
*She did come out to her to her gaming group though and they're supporting her so yay!
I guess information, or a support group? I don't know where she lives.
I'm sorry :(
Okies! She's been watching this thread and sent me a PM clarifying stuff.
She was mostly interested in information, either online or books to read.
And she was hoping to find someone on here to talk to. She's thinking about posting to this thread, but again, worrying about the people she knows in RL seeing it.
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And she was hoping to find someone on here to talk to. She's thinking about posting to this thread, but again, worrying about the people she knows in RL seeing it.A new not easily identifiable alias? Ask for an exemption to the No Multiple Accounts policy, if she already has an account?
She had considered that option, yes.
Developer
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Okies! She's been watching this thread and sent me a PM clarifying stuff.
She was mostly interested in information, either online or books to read.
And she was hoping to find someone on here to talk to. She's thinking about posting to this thread, but again, worrying about the people she knows in RL seeing it.
I strongly recommend "Trans Bodies, trans Selves" as a roadmap of what you can expect in transition. PM me if she needs some help getting a copy and I'll see what strings I can pull.
If she wants something a little heavier, the Janet Mock's "Redefining Realness" is great.
In terms of free resources (any of these are easy to find with google):
- TransCareSite.org and Trans Health Clinics both have extensive listings of healthcare providers who work with trans people for medical transition. Trans Health Clinics also has a lot of articles on how to transition medically and what to expect (although they are a little more old-fashioned, with a heavier focus on passing). If you want to PM me what state you're in, I can send more specific information on medical providers in your area; I know way too many people in the industry at this point.
- The National Center for Transgender Equality has a great breakdown of your rights as a transgender person, if she needs someone to watch her back. They also have resources that will help tell her how to update her documents
- The Transgender Legal Defense Fund is handy if you're in a red state and she feels like she'll need an advocate for work or in updating documents.
- Trans Lifeline is a vitally important resource for anyone having a hard time. Just make sure their phone number (1-877-565-8860) is handy for hard nights, especially if she worries particular friends and family members won't react well.
- Kat Blaque is a YouTuber who covers all sorts of topics related to gender and race. Some of her videos are pretty heavy, but she has a few that are good introductions to being transgender, like her playlist on Trans Advice
- If she just needs to feel normal and even catered to, there are a lot of great comics online, like Rain, Trans Girl next Door, Finding Dee, Blue Valkyrie, and The Princess that are a little more low-key and less political than other trans comics
If she doesn't want to post her questions publicly, she's welcome to PM me as well with any questions.
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Hello I am Rysky's friend. I decided to come out and just use a alias. Hopefully the people I know in RL don't hang on all of my posts to look at my alias..and if they do..I will deal with it. I mean eventually I hope all of my friends will know...I just prefer to start out small with the people I have known the longest.
So here is it my experiences with self discovery(it even relates big to gaming)...it maybe long and a little rambling at times..so bear with me.
I have always felt different...I would stare at myself in the mirror just thinking is that Me? I always had dreams and fantasys of being a woman. I grew up in a conservative household...and at the time I was not as exposed to the LGBT community. So I would self rationalize it has..I don't know what exactly...normal curiosity or trying to get in a women mindset for writing purposes.
Than I discovered RPGs...and every character I play is female. I loved role-playing female characters...it just felt natural to me. As the years went by I just accepted the fact I am a lesbian woman born into the wrong body. Or maybe bi...I don't get grossed out by the idea of sex with a man...I just never met a man I was attracted to. Anyway playing female characters..and writing storys involving female character seemed to be enough.
Now the group I have been playing has been together for many years...sometimes issues arises when you are with people that long. One of the players complaints about me is that I always play female lesbians. My initial reaction to this was anger that no one says player x always plays straight men...but when I thought about it was slightly unfair of me. They don't know. So we are having a group meeting to discusses these things. That is when I decided to come out to that group. I have not yet...but I have come out to some people..maybe as a test run.
Now that I have come out to a few people...I feel alot better about it. It is like once I said the last resistance to the ideal has gone away. I finally feel true to myself.
Now...I want to dress up in a dress with make up and wig (stupid male pattern baldness)...and go out on dates with women. But there are fears of discovery by my family. I do still live at home.
Don't get me wrong I love my family...well maybe not my younger sister...and they love me. But this would cause lots of tension that I don't want right now. Ultimately I believe they would accept me...but I am worried about putting it to a test.
Lastly I know anybody can just click on my alias and know who I am...and some of you might be surprised. And I don't care that much if you do...hopefully one day it won't matter...but I am asking people to keep quiet outside of this thread about it.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you and if anybody has any question feel free to ask...Question help me examine and order my own thoughts about this.
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Hi, Selene 1! Thank you for sharing: I know it can’t have been an easy decision to make to post here, under the circumstances. (Or any circumstances, really, baring your soul to strangers online.)
I gather, from what Rysky wrote earlier, that you’re interested in books that might be informative? Let’s see what I can remember from the top of my head, but it’s been a while since I started my transition, and with various school projects I haven’t been keeping up with the newer things out there, so grains of salt are in order. Hmm.
Off the top of my head, things like Kate Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw spring to mind, along with some of her more recent work, Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl (which I gather might be slowly making its way to canonical status – Serano is referred to, tongue-in-cheek, as the patron saint of trans women by the main character of Imogen Binnie’s novel Nevada, if I recall correctly), and, for a glance at the FTM side of things, S. Bear Bergman’s work is often both amusing and heartbreaking. (I started reading him because I thought it would help me towards starting to sort out my feelings about masculinity, and it certainly did.) The Transgender Studies Reader edited by Susan Stryker and Stephen Whittle is an embarrassment of riches that contains selections from a lot of classics, and one of these days I’ll have to work my way through more of it.
If you have access to a university library, just browsing the shelves of the appropriate sections can be rewarding. That’s how I tend to stumble across the next book that makes me squee! in excitement. Even if you don’t have a library account there, I’ve found most institutional libraries don’t mind quiet outside browsers, but maybe I’ve just been lucky.
Also, all the things Ms. Frasier recommended! I keep hearing good things about Mock’s Redefining Realness. I’ll have to see if I can make time to move it up on my list of things to finally read.
Obviously, I’m a bookish sort, and my perspective is skewed by bouncing between college towns, but if it feels at all useful, feel free to send me a PM, or just bug me about books here. :)
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I don't have much in the way of advice, Selene, but I do have a hearty welcome, and even a congratulations. :)
Hey there Selene. Welcome to the Paizo boards.
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Thank you Rennivx and Qunnessa. I will be sure to check out those books when I get a chance that you and Crystal recommended.
A note on the alias...this is the name of my favorite RPG character...one who kinda guided me on this path. So I am taking her name. I went with the '1' in the alias because just Selene was taken...but I wanted something more living as somebody pointed out to me. So I added the last name as well. Anybody who can figure it out I was planning on telling anyway.
So does my experiences resonates with Anyone? How was it like coming out to people? About going out as a woman for the first Time? Dealing with family? Does anybody else use RPGS like I did? Any mistakes you made I can learn From?
Again thank you all.
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Selene, you are already much braver than I! May I ask what state you live in? I may be able to help you find some resources.
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Bravery is a funny thing. I really agonized over posting in this thread. What made me decided to do this is just another step in accepting who I am. Once I starting coming out to people I know...it becomes easier.
I have brain damage which cause a speech impediment. When I was in the boy scouts I had to lead a large assembly in the pledge of allegiance. People came up to my father afterwards complimenting me on my bravery than.
These I don't feel brave about...it is important I did both...but it was not that hard...sure I am nervous about both. But I did not think in either case I would be mocked or rejected.
The moment where I felt brave was at school one day when a bunch of the body's were picking on a girl in class...now it was a spec. Ed. Class...so we all got picked on by the mainstreamers. It just seemed wrong to me..so I told them to stop...of course that just changed their target to me. Kids being kids and all. But the girl gave me a quiet great full Thank You. Now this happened...got to be over 30 years ago. But I remember it because of the 'Thank you'.
Not much to do with LGBT but I am in a oversharing mood.
Though if I inspire you to take a step...I would be happy to remember this moment too.
PM and I will respond with the state I live in.
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Two funny little exchanges I have with my straight friend I came out to...
1) He was talking about going to some professional wrestling thing in Florida.
"That is not really my thing, but I hope you have fun." I said.
"That makes sense with what you told me." He says
"I think my dislike for wrestling stems more from my good taste."
2) Over IM on Monday night I asked him if he wanted to go get beer on Tuesday...than realizing that it is Valentine's Day...that could be construed as me asking him out on a date. So I made sure it was not a date.
It seems that I have to rethink how I interact with certain people...not a bad thing and I hope I and my friend keep a good sense of humor about them.
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Welcome to a much bigger family than you may have realized you had. I'm sure you'll find just as much love, support, and drama as you can stand.
Your experiences aren't unique. A lot of trans people use tabletop gaming or video games as an outlet for that part of ourselves. I know I vented a lot through tabletop both before and after I came out. It's very therapeutic to step out of your own life for a few hours at a time and be someone else.
Coming out for me was a many, many stage process with largely positive results. The only really negative reactions came from authority figures in my school and, sadly, my parents, but my relationship with my parents has recovered a lot in the intervening years (not so much with the high school authority figures). Things have gotten much, much easier in that department in the past several years, and these days I hear a lot more positive and/or awkward stories than outright bad news. With major figures like Laverne Cox and Chaz Bono and Laura Jane Grace helping to change the public perception of who we are, wider society seems less afraid.
For the time being, what kinds of resources are you interested in?
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@ Crystal: Thank you for the kind words. I now feel very comfortable here. As for what kind of resources just mostly books on the subject for now. Which you and Qunnessaa all ready provided. This weekend I will probably go to B&N and buy a book.
Right now I just need a place to talk about this stuff and share my experiences. And to hear from other people going through similar things.
Also as a representive of Paizo I want to thank you and all of Pazio for the inclusivity of your products...it has made this easier for me.
@John Napier: Thank you.
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Part of the wisdom I've gained over the years is to accept people as they are, not how others wish them to be.
I take it one step farther...I celebrate people for who there and our diferences. Not to one up you or anything ;)
Hello Selene1!!
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Hello Selene. I'm happy to see you made it here. I know the process of transitioning and coming out can be difficult; I've seen it play out multiple times, and I want you to know if you need some support, just reach out to me or pretty much anyone in this thread. They're good people.
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Greeting Freehold DM
Thank Moskau...and you are right everyone here is wonderful.
*basks in Rysky's glomps*
@John Napier 698: it sucks when that happen...even if I am feeling better I just hide in my bed till a new day gets here.
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Now...I want to dress up in a dress with make up and wig (stupid male pattern baldness)...and go out on dates with women. But there are fears of discovery by my family. I do still live at home.
Don't get me wrong I love my family...well maybe not my younger sister...and they love me. But this would cause lots of tension that I don't want right now. Ultimately I believe they would accept me...but I am worried about putting it to a test.
I was in a similar situation when I was living at home. I had no doubt that my parents would accept me, but I knew that they knew absolutely nothing about any sort of trans issues and that they would be more of a hindrance than a help if they knew. Anything I did to try to quell my dysphoria had to be done without them finding out. While I don’t know your specific situation with your family, perhaps I can talk about some of the things I did and how they might help you.
A lot of this is going to depend on how invasive your family is. I know that my family basically didn’t want to touch my closet at all, so as long as I kept my stash of dysphoria-reducing clothing in my old college laundry bag in the back of my closet, they wouldn’t find them. (And as far as I’m aware, they never did for 2 years.) Hopefully you have some space in the house that you can claim as yours without too much fuss.
The trick then is getting stuff there without anyone in the house knowing. I had a friend whose house was kind of on the way on the path from work to the weekly Pathfinder Society game, so I would order clothes/wigs/other dysphoria-reducing materials to her house. I would pick them up on the way to PFS, and I would just throw them in with the rest of my PFS stuff. My bag was already stuffed with stuff, so a small package didn’t really make the bag look any different.
Learn when your family is less likely to bother you. I was often the last one to sleep, and so I would often put stuff on and stay in my room after everyone else in my family went to bed. Also I would keep track of people’s schedules so I knew when I had the house to myself and I could dress how I liked. I did my own laundry, so it was a simple matter of hiding them in the middle of the hamper and not letting my parents or anyone else touch my laundry.
I also had the advantage of having an amazing girlfriend who was in on it, so when we would go out together sometimes she would go clothes shopping and I would follow along as “the disinterested boyfriend who was here to carry things” while also leaving comments on clothes that I liked. If you put one piece of male clothing on a pile of female clothing, usually people won’t say anything when you go in to a dressing room to try stuff on. And again, if you bring a backpack when you see friends, then you can carry clothes home without it being obvious that you went to a department store.
Hopefully there’s some helpful tips in there that you can apply to your own situation. But I’m sure that you can find some spaces where you can express yourself without outing yourself to your family.
EDIT: Also I will say that I am by no means an expert in this at all, so don't take anything I say as _necessarily_ a good idea, just that it worked for me. This thread is really the only interaction I've had with other LGBTQ people, so I don't actually know how much of a good idea most of the stuff I've done is.
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* wanders in late, sees Selene Spires, and gives her a big bear hug *
* looks around to see if anyone else needs a hug and gives them a big bear hug as well *
* offers hand shakes, polite nods, and goofy grins to anyone who wants them *
Sorry I'm late folks - sometimes life can be a...
... wait for it ...
... real bear.
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*offers hugs/glomps to anyone and everyone else that wants or needs one*
*offers a fierce bear hug in return*
So I just quit the best job I ever had. I did it a day early due to some anxiety issues and to surprise my partner so I can help with our move. She laughed, and it kinda triggered some of my feelings on the power dynamics of our relationship. Now I'm day drinking...
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That was so bad it hurt. Bad Bear. Bears should stay away from puns. Studies have shown that bad puns are detrimental to someone else's sanity. :)* wanders in late, sees Selene Spires, and gives her a big bear hug *
* looks around to see if anyone else needs a hug and gives them a big bear hug as well *
* offers hand shakes, polite nods, and goofy grins to anyone who wants them *
Sorry I'm late folks - sometimes life can be a...
... wait for it ...
... real bear.
Just ask Diego.
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That was so bad it hurt. Bad Bear. Bears should stay away from puns. Studies have shown that bad puns are detrimental to someone else's sanity. :)* wanders in late, sees Selene Spires, and gives her a big bear hug *
* looks around to see if anyone else needs a hug and gives them a big bear hug as well *
* offers hand shakes, polite nods, and goofy grins to anyone who wants them *
Sorry I'm late folks - sometimes life can be a...
... wait for it ...
... real bear.
* everyone takes Wisdom damage and loses of Sanity *
Yeah, sorry about that. I knew it was bad but not that bad.
I just can't bear the thought of causing anyone pain.
(I did it again, didn't I?)
* goes and sits in the corner *
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Also as a representive of Paizo I want to thank you and all of Pazio for the inclusivity of your products...it has made this easier for me.
Happy we can make the world a little more welcoming. I think almost everyone at Paizo grew up outside the mainstream in one way or another, so we're happy to help others out.
And I want to confirm just about everything Iammars said, mostly in terms of finding your comfort zone and finding friends who can help support you. Everyone's got their own tricks for managing dysphoria until they come out, and clothes are a pretty good outlet, but kind of bulky and challenging if you live with other people you don't want to know yet. I had a drawer with some of my things, and a spare backpack in my car, and some days I'd go to the queer coffee shop after school to change and just do my homework there. If you live anywhere near a gay district or a gay-friendly coffee shop, restaurant, or bar, that is probably your safest bet your first time out in public. And it's scary at first (hell, I think it was scary for the first six months for me), but also a good stress-test to make sure this is what you want and that it helps you feel better.
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Hello, Selene and congratulations. You have my most sincere and heartfelt respect for daring to post here the way you did.
BTW I must admit I did click and saw your alias and I was indeed surprised. And also awesomely happy for you for taking your life in your hands the way you did.
There are waves of positive feeling coming out of your posts, and those of Risky, and those of Bob Loblaw, and I guess many other people here, that just resonate with life.
You give so much to this world, because you are the right people doing the right thing. And I mean You, as You all the people in this thread beyond the great three I just mentioned.
For this I want to thank you.
So does my experiences resonates with Anyone? How was it like coming out to people? About going out as a woman for the first Time? Dealing with family? Does anybody else use RPGS like I did? Any mistakes you made I can learn From?
Your experiences do resonate with me, even though I am not LGBTQ. I too had something in my life that I did my utmost to hide from everyone, especially anybody close to me. And yes, I am a little bit worried that some people I know on the boards and RL could come across this post and inquire what I am talking about. We'll see I guess.
It was a liberation to be able to share that deepest secret and shame (even though it was nothing to be ashamed of), first with therapists, then on the internet, then with my very best friend and, little by little, with my family.
It took me years of therapy to gather enough self-confidence to reach this last point though even though it was not as self-defining as coming out as LGBTQ. But then everyone advances at their own pace.
What helped me a lot was that the people I told were full of understanding and warmth, and that all of them kept quiet about it.
The mistake I made was after I told my father, when I agreed with his request that he would tell my mother about it. It was a mistake because he told her without me knowing about it and I misunderstood the emotional upheaval she went through at that time. In a way, he prevented me from being able to talk openly about it with my mother and to comfort her when she was dealing with this revelation.
So, make sure that people you want to tell learn it from you.
Hope this helps :-)