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So let's start with the good news - since I've been out, I've had nothing but good reactions from all the people near me. The students I've been teaching have been great, and the other teachers have been excited. The MIT Mystery Hunt was also good in that respect - my team, Palindrome, was pretty awesome in managing to call me by the right name in the chaos that overwhelms the weekend. Also, there was a policy against harrassment that the running team put up for the hunt, and I was super happy to see that it included gender identity.
So in terms of my personal life things are going okay, but, and I imagine that I'm not alone in this, once I stop thinking about all the good things from the people in my immediate circle, I start freaking out over, well, pretty much everything else. And I realize that part of this is unprecidented, but part of what I'm feeling is that I've never really had the government against me before. Back when I thought I was a cishet male, politics was a fun game. But now I find myself just staring in shock into my laptop for hours. I have short spurts where I can get work done, but otherwise I'm just constantly staring in shock. I don't have coping methods to deal with this - I never developed them because I never realized that I needed them.
And I need to develop them quickly. I don't have all my paperwork done, and I need to get a job for next september, since I need to be teaching full-time again. In order to do that, I need to start applying NOW. I just have no clue how I'm going to pull it all off. And in between it all I need to be writing again. Writing was such a nice release, but every time I sit down to try to write, all I can think about it how everyone hates me and the world is going to s!~!.
I just can't deal with it all.
I had exactly the same crisis when I came out as well. It's been almost a year and a half now and I still have periods of just plain shock, much as you describe. The two biggest helps to me have been my girlfriend and looking to community both in-person and online, particularly with other trans women. Knowing I'm in this with other girls like me has made it so much easier.
I am only let into this thread hen they need a jester around. Otherwise it is back to my cage.
~grins~
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I would like to nominate Rysky for the official title of "Hugmaster General of the Paizo Forums"...
... and me (and anyone else who wants the title) as "Junior Hugmaster".
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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32
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And I need to develop them quickly. I don't have all my paperwork done, and I need to get a job for next september, since I need to be teaching full-time again. In order to do that, I need to start applying NOW. I just have no clue how I'm going to pull it all off. And in between it all I need to be writing again. Writing was such a nice release, but every time I sit down to try to write, all I can think about it how everyone hates me and the world is going to s@&!.
I just can't deal with it all.
In addition to what others are recommending, I suggest trying to break things down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Set smaller goals that you can process and address during your newly reduced periods of productivity. Lean on your friends and community for help - they love you and want to see you succeed.
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But now I find myself just staring in shock into my laptop for hours. I have short spurts where I can get work done, but otherwise I'm just constantly staring in shock. I don't have coping methods to deal with this - I never developed them because I never realized that I needed them.
Try meditation. Just sit and try to not think about anything at all for like five minutes a day. It's actually scientifically proven to help with stress,and definitely helped me alot.
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I would like to nominate Rysky for the official title of "Hugmaster General of the Paizo Forums"...
... and me (and anyone else who wants the title) as "Junior Hugmaster".
RYSKY FOR GRAPPLEMEISTER!
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RYSKY FOR GRAPPLEMEISTER!
I would like to nominate Rysky for the official title of "Hugmaster General of the Paizo Forums"...
... and me (and anyone else who wants the title) as "Junior Hugmaster".
I'm not Rysky and I endorse this message.
*Offers hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs some*
Other me for grapplmeister!!
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yikes
the current bonfire of the verities going on has kinda dropped into a surreal background buzz, overshadowed by my granddad being in hospital after collapsing in his bedroom...
i want to thank all of you for your work towards correcting our nation's course; it helps me to compartmentalize the chaos in my personal life.
and in the tradition of the grappelmeister,
>offers hugs to all who want or need them<
so glad you're all here
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Hugs! Yay!
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*hugz for everyone*
As an aside: all of the dystopian YA fiction I've read didn't prepare me for the National Park Service to lead the resistance.
I'll take a hug.
On edge and fraying, I'm convinced [REDACTED TO AVOID TRIGGERING] that very, very bad things are coming for those of us in the US.
I was actually contemplating checking out. Not solely from despair/lack of hope, but more so from how the despair is changing me.
If the last week is any indicator, I'm really going to hate myself in a few years. Anyway, I'm still here. How is everyone else doing?
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* gives RadiantSophia a big bear hug *
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If you're strong enough to get by, then you'll be strong enough to help protect those who follow after you, and shield them from this same pain and corruption.
This, just this.
Um, I don't really have room to talk on the subject, but this is why I'm staying around, because there's people I care about more than myself, much more than myself, and I want them to be okay.
*hugs RadiantSophia and Crystal and everyone else that wants one*
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If you're strong enough to get by, then you'll be strong enough to help protect those who follow after you, and shield them from this same pain and corruption.
Um, I don't really have room to talk on the subject, but this is why I'm staying around, because there's people I care about more than myself, much more than myself, and I want them to be okay.*hugs RadiantSophia and Crystal and everyone else that wants one*
Very well put, both of you! *hugs*
RadiantSophia - gather the strenghth to get through this - so you may keep despair from others and bring hope to them and yourself. Hope can change as much as despair can, and just as despair it has a way to gain momentum for everyone that it gets to.| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
RadiantSophia, please talk to a professional right away. It's very important that you do so. I know that it's often very difficult and that sometimes you may feel like you aren't being heard or understood, but there are some really great professionals out there who will help.
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granddad stable and improving.
RadiantSophia, "light of wisdom," take heart and linger longer, for it is in dark times we most need your illumination.
not saying the siren song of oblivion isn't tempting... i listen to it myself on occasion... so far, my stubbornness drags me away, because life is sweet and finite. and because i still haven't shed my fear of dying.
endings come eventually, i feel, with no need to hurry things
i hope for hope for you
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And I realize that part of this is unprecidented, but part of what I'm feeling is that I've never really had the government against me before. Back when I thought I was a cishet male, politics was a fun game. But now I find myself just staring in shock into my laptop for hours. I have short spurts where I can get work done, but otherwise I'm just constantly staring in shock. I don't have coping methods to deal with this - I never developed them because I never realized that I needed them.
Talking to other women can help, both trans women and cis women.
One of the things that helped me (I had a difficult few years at the start of transition) was listening to the experiences of other trans women, including with regards to the newfound lack of privilege, but also with regards to those moments of realization that your status in the world has changed.
I've found it also helps to listen to and read trans women, and other trans people, who aren't specifically talking about transition issues, but are doing whatever they're doing with their lives. Helps reinforce that this life is possible. Others have made it.
And I've found talking through some of those experiences with cisgender women has been helpful as well. I don't have any other trans people in my day-to-day life, just the people I know or read online. But I've struck up close friendships with cis women since transitioning, and they've been invaluable to me in so many ways, including with regards to coping with the sorts of things you're talking about.
Either way, it helps to have people to talk to, and people to share your experiences with.
It's a difficult time to come out and transition. I think transition itself can be difficult even under the best of circumstances. There is so much to deal with. But it can be dealt with. (The physical side of it is, in a way, the easy stuff. Just takes a while.)
Regardless of what happens in this country in the next few years, don't lose sight of your self worth, and don't lose sight of the possibilities of the life and the self you're now building. Storms come and go. But they can be endured.
So I want to give an update to how my day with my friend and her family as Cindy went.
I'm the kind of person who likes to be ready early, at least 30 minutes. I also like to leave early so that I won't be late. Today I got ready early, but I pushed it as long as I could so that I wouldn't be able to back out once I left. I live alone so just walking from the apartment to the car is terrifying for me. I didn't encounter anyone so that worked out well for me. I then had an hour drive ahead of me. I did fine on the drive. I got to her place and immediately went in.
This is the first time that her husband had ever met Cindy and it was only her 2nd time. The kids had never met Cindy at all. They are almost 5 and almost 3. They didn't even care that I was dressed differently. We didn't ask them to call me Cindy because we didn't want to confuse them too much if they had questions that we couldn't answer so I was Uncle Bob.
The day went well until someone knocked on the door looking for their lost cat. The cat had been taken in about 2 weeks ago by my friend. Without thinking, she invited them in. It was a family of 5. I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there. They kept talking and talking. It was probably only 15 minutes, but it felt like 15 hours. My friend's husband was entertaining the kids and he used the name Uncle Bob instead of using a more generic pronoun. I wouldn't have cared, but here were these strangers in front of me. I had no where to go to feel safe. I don't think that they noticed anything. They were very focused on the cat.
When they left I was able to finally have that anxiety attack that I had been holding in. I was physically unable to speak. Things calmed down quickly. My friend and her husband apologized once they realized what happened. They sincerely didn't think anything of it because they just see me as their friend. I appreciate that, but this was the time that I needed them to see me differently.
We are going to have to discuss how to handle it when things like that happen. I didn't think about it because the plan was to be in their home all day.
I'm sure that as time goes on I will be more comfortable and I will know how to deal with it. I haven't felt terror like that in a long time.
What makes this especially difficult for me is that I am not normally one who is scared. I served in the Army. I have trained others how to deal with firearms being pointed at them with the intent to kill. I have looked down the business end of a firearm more than once. I have ran into a fire to save someone. I have pulled someone out of a burning tank. I have remained calm while helping people who have been seriously injured. I have stood up for others who were being discriminated against, whether it be race, gender, identity, orientation, etc. I don't shy away from things. I should be able to handle this. I really don't know how you all are able to manage. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
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Since the thread I created this for died some time ago, I figured I could use him to offer a bit of warmth and a place for companionship and hugs right here.
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*hugs Rysky*
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* joins in the giving of hugs *
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Good morning everyone. I hope that everyone has a good day and a great week. I for one am glad that you all are here. Thank you for being you and never stop.
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I'm not rich or even well-to-do by any means, but is anyone in a tight spot?
Contact me via PM.
What's happening this weekend?
The Attorney General will be rubber-stamped into being, and all the Justice Department protections against discrimination will be ash-binned in the name of 'religious freedom'?
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Ironically Sally Yates should have stated she couldn't enforce the Muslim ban because discrimination was against her religion, at which point she would have been untouchable.
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I am getting angrier and angrier at how this administration is trying to erase me. I fought for this country. My family fought for this country. I have bled for this country. I have asked for nothing in return other than to be allowed to exist. What danger could I possibly pose?
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I am getting angrier and angrier at how this administration is trying to erase me. I fought for this country. My family fought for this country. I have bled for this country. I have asked for nothing in return other than to be allowed to exist. What danger could I possibly pose?
Anyone that raises questions that fall outside of a narrow band of 'acceptability' is a danger to a power-clique.
It's not you posing the danger.
It's the fact that people ask questions to find out more about themselves and don't hold themselves to 'one thing' that's the danger, in such narrow-minded thinking.
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A small bright spot, for what it's worth, but I just saw that the Boy Scouts will now Transmen to join.
*offers hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs one*
I'm sorry if my constant posting is starting to annoy anyone, I just don't really know anything else I can do.
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A small bright spot, for what it's worth, but I just saw that the Boy Scouts will now Transmen to join.
*offers hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs one*
I'm sorry if my constant posting is starting to annoy anyone, I just don't really know anything else I can do.
Good news indeed!
(just fyi, it's just "trans men." "Trans" is an adjective. "Transmen" and "Transwomen" implies that we are something different from men and women, respectively)
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A small bright spot, for what it's worth, but I just saw that the Boy Scouts will now Transmen to join.
*offers hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs one*
I'm sorry if my constant posting is starting to annoy anyone, I just don't really know anything else I can do.
Good news indeed!
(just fyi, it's just "trans men." "Trans" is an adjective. "Transmen" and "Transwomen" implies that we are something different from men and women, respectively)
Ah, okay, my apologies.