Trapped Undergarments (Don't Fear the Peeper)
Appearing as a normal set of frilly woman's lingerie, this set of underwear is set to explode if any male giant, monstrous humanoid, humanoid, or goblinoid touches these set of clothes. If, at the time, the garments are being worn when they are touched, the explosion does not harm the wearer. The explosion deals 1d4+10 fire damage in a 20 foot radius, with a successful Reflex save (DC 14) reducing this damage by half. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the underwear are destroyed in the process.
CL 10th; Craft Wondrous Item, Fire Trap; Cost 2,025gp;
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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Technically, these are Uncouth Minor Artifacts, but whatev.
Spheres of the Meta-Game
These strange, glowing gem-like objects are crafted from pure Meta and contain the power of raw Game. Rare, and thankfully becoming rarer every day, these tiny spheres, when crushed, enact a powerful magic that temporarily "scribbles over" the laws of reality, changing the basic nature of the entire multiverse and its mechanics.
Crushing one of the spheres is a full-round action that provokes attacks of opportunity. The effects of the sphere last until the end of the current gaming session.
If necassary, the DM can call game early on account of shenanigans.
There are many types of Spheres of the Meta-Game. The most common effects are listed below.
Sphere of the Previous Edition: for the rest of tonight's session, the rules of spells such as Haste and Polymorph are "re-broken" back to their previous rulings. Feats such as Power Attack are similarly "nerfed".
Sphere of the Missing PHB: for the rest of tonight's session, no one may check the PHB for any reason. Any rules not clearly written down on a character sheet are subject to group vote. The DM recieves a number of votes equal to the number of players, minus one.
Sphere of the Dead Cheater: for the rest of tonight's session, everyone must roll their dice in front of the entire group, on a hard and well-lit surface, at the exact time of the DM's call.
Sphere of the Shadow-Run: for the rest of tonight's session, spell-casters do not "lose" spells when cast. Each caster must, after casting, succeed at a Will save, DC: 10 + spell level + caster level, or suffer non-lethal damage equal to 1d6 per spell level. In addition, the duration of all spells with a standard duration longer than intantaneous now have the duration: Concentration (max of 1 hr./level). Casters may cast another spell while maintaining concentration by succeeding at a Concentration check at difficulty 15 + spell level + number of spells currently active. Failure of a concentration check deals non-lethal damage equal to 1d6 per spell level.
Sphere of the Gritty Realism: for the rest of tonight's session, all creatures have hit points equal to their Constitution score times two.
Sphere of the Quote-Free Game: for the rest of tonight's session, anyone caught quoting from ANY non-game source, including but not limited to Monty Python, the PSAs, Tiny Toons, or Spider-Man, gains one negative level. These negative levels stack, and cannot be removed until the next session.
Sphere of the Play-Tester: each player choses one small rule change that will remain in play for the duration of tonight's session. Examples of small rules changes include, but are not limited to, allowing Power Attack with light weapons, extending the "disabled and dying" window from -10 to -(10+con. modifier), eliminating any house rule, bringing in a rule from any other game, and halving or doubling the penalty from any normal rule. The DM may, at his option, veto any ONE of these rules.
Other known Spheres include the Sphere of the Basic Red Box, Sphere of the Silly Voices, Sphere of the Musical Chairs, and Sphere of the Settling it Like Men, Outside.
Here's an upgrade to Daern's Instant Chair by Jayrellim.
Barbarian's Chair
This surprisingly comfortable metal folding chair is found among barbarian tribes. Commonly used as a chair, it possesses one unusual quality. Should anyone seated in the chair witness a fight between two or more humanoids, he must make a Will save (DC 18) or rise from their seat, fold the chair, and use the chair as a weapon in the melee. The chair is considered a greatclub in all ways, except that it does nonlethal damage and permits the wielder to engage in sneak attacks as a 3rd-level rogue. These levels stack with the wielder's rogue levels, if any. The wielder of the Barbarian's Chair is considered to be in a rage while using this unique weapon, but the rage does not count against his daily uses and gains the benefits of any feats or class abilities that the character possesses.
Craft Wondrous Item, Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Heighten Spell, rage, confusion
Love the upgraded version, I'm gonna sell my Instant Chair and buy a Barbarian's Chair to replace it.
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Stone of Usefulness
This rounded stone appears as an ordinary rock, except that it radiates magic. Identify and similar spells never reveal the Stone’s uses – they must be discovered through trial and error.
A Stone of Usefulness can be used as a thrown weapon, in which case it does 1d3 points of damage, and has range increments as a spear. It can be used as ammunition for a sling, in which case it does damage as a sling bullet of one size category smaller. It can also be used as an improvised melee weapon, dealing 1d3 points of damage. If used as a weapon the Stone does not count as magical for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction etc.
The Stone can be used as a simple trap to trip an unwary target, if placed in a path of travel (Search DC:5, Disable Device DC:2, Dmg:1d3 and target falls prone, Reflex DC 10 negates).
If the Stone is used to jam open a door, it requires a move equivalent action to remove.
A Stone of Usefulness can be a pet, in which case it requires no food nor water, and can survive indefinitely in an airless space. It acts in all ways as a small Animated Object (MM1), except that it has a Speed of 0, no attacks and no special qualities, and is not in any way animated.
If used as part of a disguise, the Stone adds a +1 circumstance modifier to Disguise checks if the bearer is disguised as a stone mason, rock farmer or simpleton.
A Stone can be used to encumber one’s enemies, adding half a pound of encumbrance if slipped amongst their gear.
The DM may devise other uses for a Stone of Usefulness.
Faint illusion; CL 1st; Craft Wondrous Item, Nystul’s magical aura, Price: 100gp (or 9 magic beans), Weight: ½ lb.
Technically, these are Uncouth Minor Artifacts, but whatev.
Spheres of the Meta-Game
Creative Juices is quite a talented group with a unique and whimsical voice. Good on ya and all you do, Clint.
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Furry Coat
This luxurious animal fur coat allows the wearer to transform into a bipedal, anthropomorphic mammalian animal of his/her choice up to twice per day for a period of two hours each.
During the transformation, the wearer’s size, speed, abilities, skills, attacks etc remain unchanged except as noted below.
The wearer’s type changes to animal for purpose of being effected by spells etc. The wearer loses the ability to speak (but not understand) any languages he/she knows, but can vocalize as an animal of the species the new form imitates, and can communicate with normal animals of the same general species (dog-boys can communicate with lupines and canines, pussy-cats can communicate with felines, etc.). The animal form retains opposable thumbs, and can wield weapons, open doors, etc.
Faint transmutation. CL 3rd; Craft Wondrous Item, Alter Self, Price: 3,000gp.
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
aka Fatespinner
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Mordenkainen's Lubrication
Not to be confused with the spell of a similar but certainly different name, this ointment can be applied to any 5' square surface as a full-round action. Once in place, mordenkainen's lubrication causes any phantasmal, immaterial magical construct (such as those created by the unseen servant, mordenkainen's faithful hound, or phantom steed spells) passing through the treated area to slip and fall over unless they succeed on a DC 16 Reflex save. Any objects carried by or riding upon the construct fall as well, taking falling damage as appropriate. In any event, once the construct has fallen, it may attempt the DC 16 Reflex save each round until successful in order to return to it's previously assigned tasks. Each jar of mordenkainen's lubrication contains enough ointment for 10 uses. The ointment's effects persist for 24 hours after application.
Faint conjuration. CL 3rd; Craft Wonderous Item, grease, mage hand, Price: 250gp
Stone of Usefulness
Now THAT is a testament to your writing skills.
Candle of Uncursing the Darkness
This white tallow candle, when unlit, calls into place a bestow curse spell on any darkness within 10 feet. If the candle is lit, the effect dissipates.
Faint necromancy; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse; Price 3,750 gp; Weight ½ lb.
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Eyes of See Dead People
These smoky glass lenses, when inserted into the eyes, enable the wearer to see invisibility (as per the spell), except that it allows the wearer to see only invisible or ethereal creatures of the undead type.
Faint divination, CL: 3rd, Craft Wondrous Item, see invisibility, creator must be a pre-pubescent child or a buxom brunette; Price: 9,000gp
Boots of Door Kicking
These steel-toed boots MUST be used whenever the wearer comes to a closed door. They force the wearer to make a stregnth check to break the door. Weather the check suceeds or fails, the door is affected by a knock spell, and can be opened normally on the wearers next turn. These items are universally despised by any rogue or character who remotely enjoys the element of susprise, as all ememys in the next room are alerted to the presence of the party, and also know who is in the party, their position, and current HP.
My character doesnt have a pair of these, but he kicks the doors anyway...and then tries the handle. (that usually works)
Stone of Usefulness
Ooh! Ooh! I'll take two!!!
That will be 18 magic beans. Or two cows.Ooh! Ooh! I'll take two!!!Stone of Usefulness
Do you have change for a magic goose?
Rural Fiddle
Supposedly left behind by a powerful demon bested by a mortal bard, these golden instruments are fiddles of perfect timbre. When played by a bard with 3 or more ranks in Perform (bluegrass), a fiddle grants a +4 competence bonus to the bard's Perform skill. Additionally, Rural Fiddles have other, more potent, abilities: The musician gains one extra use of bardic music each day, can target two additional people with his fascinate ability, and can daze monster once each day.Unfortunately, the fiddles' evil origins have tainted them. The infernal instruments' owners often find their teeth blacken and fall out, their breath becomes foul, and they are unable to resist drinking cheaply made ales and liquors. Driven to collect wagon parts and disabled chariots, they will leave the items in front of their homes. Even more sinister, they slowly become obsessed with their neighbors' "purty lips", and cannot resist mentioning their attraction. A DC 14 Will save forestalls these terrible effects, but the save must be made anew each day.
Moderate enchantment; CL 9th; Craft Wondrous Item, charm monster, daze monster, suggestion, bardic music ability; Price 11,550 gp; Weight 4 lb.
Now that's a pretty cool item. Going by the song though, shouldn't this be an artifact? Or are these lesser copies of the original fiddle, one so suffused with the evil of its crafter that all its "descendants" are tainted as well?
Anyways.
Figurine of Wondrous Power: Cotton Dog
Appearing to be a simple cotton puff ball, close examination reveals two glass beads that could be taken for eyes. When activated, this figure becomes a tiny dog that, while clearly a dog, still looks mostly like a lot of fur and yap. The cotton dog immediately begins yapping constantly, waking any creatures within 50 feet of the cotton dog, even from magical sleep caused by spells lower than 2nd level. As a standard action, the cotton dog can use sound burst as a spell-like ability. Once cast, it must wait 1d4 rounds before using this ability again, and it does not yap during the delay rounds either. Otherwise, the cotton dog follows the commands of the person who activated it to the best of its ability, using the statistics of a cat (except that it has no claw attack, and its bite attack is its primary natural weapon). It can be activated once per day, for up to one hour.
Faint enchantment and transmutation; CL 6th; Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects, sound burst; Price 3,800 gp.
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These hand-sized, flat stones allow the users to communicate with another subject using a Stone of Sending (normal or cursed), as long as they remain on the same plane.
Unlike normal Stones of Sending, this version forces the victim to talk about nonsensical topics for as long as she can speak (similar to the effect of Tasha's Hideous Laughter) or until dropping unconscious. The victim usually speaks quite loudly, imposing a penalty on nearby casters (-2 on Concentration checks).
Every 10 minutes of conversation the victim must make a will save (DC 15, subsequent saves have a +1 cumulative penalty) or lose 1d4 points of Intelligence (the effects stack and last for 10 minutes after the conversation has ended).
Also, the Cursed Stones of Sending bestow the following penalties:
-4 on Initiative rolls
-4 on Move Silently, Spot, Listen and Search checks
-10 on any Ride check
Subjects using the Cursed Stones of Sending tarting attitude is "unfriendly" towards subjects not using stones of sending. Many carriage and horse accidents have been caused by the Cursed Stones of Sending, yet, every year they seem to be more popular; many even have willingly bought and used such items.
CL (??): Blindness/Deafness, Touch of Idiocy, Tasha's Hideous Laughter
Cost to create: Varies.
Boots of Autumn Leaves
These Brightly colored boots make the wearer sound as if walking through a forest in the fall stomping and crunching leaves as they go. Never again will the wearer have to fear sneaking up on people and catching them flatfooted. Huzzah!!
Faint illusion; CL 3rd; Craft Wondrous Item, ghost sound; Price 2,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
String of Playerless Characters Protection—Grants automatic stabilizing when below 0 hp, allows will save for actions of extreme bravery or stupidity, grants bonuses to knowledge, spot, search, and listen checks, reduces bab to 0 and damage to 1. Only usable by characters with no active player at the table. Comes in mylar or traditional rubber.
Major GM, CL all, summon dues ex machine
iskill—knowledge skills in the palm of your hand
Hammock of Rest—allows an adventurer to sleep well above the typical camp, shortens need for sleep, grants hiding bonuses.
I would have loved this submission. While I can truthfully relate that we judges nuked every single "joke" item submitted (and there were a few), I happen to think this is really funny. Yes, in the end we would probably have rejected it, but we sure would have discussed it. It would have been criticized for a MM page reference. Creation info is good and costing passes the eyeball test. Even though we felt the joke items submitted to us werent really that appropriate, I should point out that we all agree that an RPG Superstar needs a sense of humor :) The only real problem I see with it is the number of monkeys (3d12) is WAY in excess of what is allowed under the relevant spell--or even higher level nature's ally spells. However, I do understand the desire for lots of monkeys.
Pants of the Many Monkeys
This simple pair of khaki adventuring pants contains, hidden in its many goody-sized pockets, monkeys. Many, many monkeys.
Each day, upon command ("Monkeys!") the pants produce 3d12 monkeys (see page 267, MM). These monkeys are CRAZY monkeys, however, and no amount of training, yelling or stomping of feet will get these monkeys to stop it with their crazy monkey shenanigans. The monkeys are possessed both a limited magical 'hive-mind' and an overwhelming, capricious desire to perform acts of mischief and tomfoolery.
The monkeys will probably eat all the rations and poop in the bedrolls. They will pants the cleric and 'honk' the elf's boobs. Also, they like to trip people, drink ale, and steal hats. The monkeys speak French.
Moderate Conjuration; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Nature's Ally III, Prestidigitation; Price 8,000 gp., 2 lbs.
Dude, I hope you submitted a real entry. You are good.
The spheres of metagame are really good. :)
Parachute Pants
Created for the Dwarven Bard McHammer, these shiny yellow pants are embued with a continual featherfall spell and can cast a prismatic spray once daily upon the uttering of the words;
HAMMER TIME!!!
The Stone of Usefulness is also well done :)
Nice work, everyone!
Now that's a pretty cool item. Going by the song though, shouldn't this be an artifact? Or are these lesser copies of the original fiddle, one so suffused with the evil of its crafter that all its "descendants" are tainted as well?
Yes, that's it. The fiddles are copies of the legendary original, "suffused with the evil of its crafter", you betcha!
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Dude, I hope you submitted a real entry. You are good.
The spheres of metagame are really good. :)
The monkey pants are truly awesome. I think they may need to make an appearance next time I run a “quirky” one-shot. And I believe thatboomerkid mentioned elsewhere that he did make a submission to the contest.
Thanks for the comment on the Stone of Usefulness – I had fun with that. Also for the clarification that the joke entries were generally nuked, as I was starting to wonder if I should have submitted one of my joke entries above the one I actually did send!
TOME OF TORTURE PORN (PART 3)
This thin, newly bound softcover tome is illustrated with horrible depictions of ogres killing humans. There's also a nifty adventure inside.
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Rusty Ironpants
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Hat of the Darkmantle
This non-descript hat, when worn, makes the wearer appear to have a darkmantle (MM1) perched atop his/her head.
Faint illusion. CL 1st; Craft Wondrous Item, silent image; Price: 500gp
In a related story, Pathfinder agents report that enterprising Darkmantles have begun carrying around chinstraps in a fiendish attempt to lure unwary adventurers into placing them on their heads!
~Rusty
Decanter of Inexplicable Attraction
This simple glass pitcher is both the bane and boon of performers across the lands. This item is similar to a Decanter of Endless Water, except that the liquid it dispenses is mildly intoxicating and cannot be created at a rate faster than would fill an average glass or mug.
The liquid must always be poured in rounds of drinks, with the owner of the decanter required partake in any round of drinks poured or else all bonuses are immediately negated. For any person who has imbibed one or more of the drinks, the owner gains a +2 circumstance bonus to Charisma relative to that character. However, the owner also gains a -2 penalty per drink to Charisma relative to anyone who has not imbibed one or more drinks from the decanter.
Should the owner's effective Charisma drop to zero, they will slip into unconsciousness over 2d4 rounds, removing one randomly selected article of clothing per round.
The effect for three hours after the owner passes out, or a maximum of six hours. The owner has an effective penalty equal to the bonus for a period of 1d4 weeks once the effect wears off.
Minor Enchantment; CL 3; Create Wondrous Item, charm person, create water, eagle's spendor, prestidigitation
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TOME OF TORTURE PORN (PART 3)
This thin, newly bound softcover tome is illustrated with horrible depictions of ogres killing humans. There's also a nifty adventure inside.
And the major version (which almost counts as an artifact):
Tome of Torture and Tentacle Hentai
The original is rumored to be designed by Vecna as his pastime and entertainment source, the companion to the Book of Vile Darkness. This unspeakable item has been reproduced by only the darkest crafters known to the planes. It is said that even fiends regard the depictions as despicable and horrendous.
Any creature that flips through the pages must make a fortitude save (DC 20, once for each page) to ignore the urge to vomit. If such subject is lawful, she finds the images against every logical way of thinking and must make a will save (DC 23, only once) to avoid being bestowed one negative level (which can't be recovered until she drops the tome). If the creature is good in alignment, she must make a will save (DC 25, only once) or be rendered insane by the horrible images for 1d10 days. After the period expires, she must make another save, otherwise the effect is permanent (and can only be cured by nothing short of a wish or miracle).
Even though the original has up to 500 pages, when the book is bought (or found) it has only 3d12+4 pages left. The images are only on one side of the page, the other side is blank. Any creature can rip a page off the tome and show the image to her enemies; all enemies that see the image (45 ft. cone) are affected by the unnamable image. The user can do so without being affected by it, if she only looks at the blank side.
The pages have the effect of an Insanity spell (CL 17)
It is said that some have been able to find the use of this invention, (only a handful of successful good creatures have been reported). In order to achieve said feat, the readers usually boost their minds and bodies before the experience. Those who master the tome (flip through 2d10 pages without negative efects) are said to start enjoying such dark images. The benefits of the Tome of Torture and Tentacle Hentai include:
* Immunity to fear (magical or otherwise)
* Any mind affecting, fear or vile spell is cast at +1 caster level
* +2 bonus on fortitude saves
These benefits are active as long as the subject possesses at least one copy of the Tome of Torture and Tentacle Hentai.
CL ???
Cost to create 25 000, 5000 XP
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Eek, that was looong... but I'll never be the same after that fateful day, years ago. A "friend" decided to show me what hentai was, he chose a series that will always haunt me...
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Piano of Musketeering
This battered looking, upright piano functions as a masterwork musical instrument (+2 to Perform checks). Once per round, whilst played, the musician can cause the piano to shoot a musket shot at any target with line of sight and within range. Range increments are 150 feet.
The musician’s Perform, Keyboard check result is used for the attack roll. On a successful hit, the musket shot causes 1d12 points of bludgeoning damage (x3 critical modifier). The Piano contains unlimited ammunition, but can only fire once per round.
Faint conjuration; CL5th; Craft Wondrous Item, creator must have minimum 8 ranks in Perform, Keyboard; Price: 7,000 gp.
I would have loved this submission. While I can truthfully relate that we judges nuked every single "joke" item submitted (and there were a few),
You mean just because an item was funny or odd it got rejected immediately? If that's true then mine got killed and it was a serious entry.
I didnt say funny or odd. I said "joke." The monkey pants, while funny and odd, would also have been a joke submission. If yours was serious, then I'm not sure why you are worried. Ask yourself, are there any bad pun wondrous items in teh SRD? any joke items? No, there arent.
One of my very favorite items I have reviewed is definately odd. I would not call it funny though.
Believe me, the joke items we rejected were joke items. They had silly names, or silly text.
This isnt a joke competition.
I just re-read monkey pants. That is a great item. I love that the monkeys speak French. :)
I'm gonna make sure Erik and Wolfie see it. It might get an "honorable mention" :)
Look at his formatting. It is awesome. Good name, sentence of flavor text, then mechanics (with a little extra fluff), then creation and costing info. Beautiful. Excellent flair in writing without being overly-pompous and obviously "this is from my home campaign".
That item, though a joke, really captures what a wondrous item is in my view--a common item that has a wondrous ability that is limited, focused, useful to a degree. Its not a swiss army knife, it does what it does and it does it well. It has a tight theme and it stays true to its design theme.
It also has that X factor that really sets good submissions apart--it is unique, it is fun, my players would want it and would like it, I want to put it in a treasure horde, I want to see it written on my character sheet, and it is memorable. The fact that I keep thinking about this item tells me that it is a good one.
Clark
Contributor
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
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The Dungeon Master's Die
Carved from a devil's tailbone, this die is a boon to both merciful and murderous dungeon masters. Once per day, after making an attack roll or a saving throw, the possessor of the die may activate its power as an immediate action to instead treat the roll as either a natural 1 or natural 20.
Strong evocation (if miracle is used); CL 17th; Craft Wondrous Item; wish or miracle; Price 56,000 gp.
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TOME OF TORTURE PORN (PART 3)
This thin, newly bound softcover tome is illustrated with horrible depictions of ogres killing humans. There's also a nifty adventure inside.
Powers include forcing an author, his editor and his publisher to waste the next 4 weeks debating subjective issues of good taste, thus preventing them getting on with any work.
I didnt say funny or odd. I said "joke." The monkey pants, while funny and odd, would also have been a joke submission. If yours was serious, then I'm not sure why you are worried. Ask yourself, are there any bad pun wondrous items in teh SRD? any joke items? No, there arent.
One of my very favorite items I have reviewed is definately odd. I would not call it funny though.
Believe me, the joke items we rejected were joke items. They had silly names, or silly text.
This isnt a joke competition.
D:
+eliminated
My item's name was probably taken as silly/a joke...
I didnt say funny or odd. I said "joke." The monkey pants, while funny and odd, would also have been a joke submission. If yours was serious, then I'm not sure why you are worried. Ask yourself, are there any bad pun wondrous items in teh SRD? any joke items? No, there arent.
okay I was hoping I had missread what you had said
I appologize
No need to appologize. :)
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I don't know if it's an Uncouth item or not, but it was inspired the the Stone of Usefulness:
Infernal Device of Menace
This intimidating little clockwork sphere bears an ominous glowing red rune on its outer casing that clearly identifies it as some sort of deadly trap. Once activated, the enchanted clockwork device whirrs and clicks menacingly whenever anything passes within five feet of it; giving the unmistakable impression that it is about to detonate or unleash some sort of fiendish deathtrap upon its target. The device is, in fact, a perfectly harmless deterrent designed to drive off thieves and distract opponents without the need for lethal force.
Minor Illusion, CL 3rd, Craft Wondrous Item, Phantom Trap and Arcane Mark, Price 250 gp (material component for Phantom Trap plus clockwork ball, 150gp and 8xp, 1 day), Wt ½ pound
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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The fact that I keep thinking about this item tells me that it is a good one.Either that, or you're obsessed with monkeys. ;)
In his defense, I think we’re ALL a little obsessed with monkeys. They’re so damn cute!
And yes, I submitted a real entry. And I’m VERY flattered that my silly pants have been so well received.
Glad they sparked some love and/or discussion.
SNEAK ATTACK!
If it wasn't monkeys, it would have to be ninjas, and I haven't seen any of THEM around here.
Of course, I could have failed my Spot check.
Alright, the wait for the 28th is just too much so I was inspired to get a little uncouth.
Two uncouth wonderous items (one cursed!) for your enjoyment...
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This was inspired by the name of mothman's Stone of Usefulness but I must also give due credit to A.A. Milne
Edward Bear’s Useful Pot
This stubby, round bottomed, thick-walled ceramic pot is glazed with a two or three-toned horizontally striped pattern. Five large but primitively written runes are prominently displayed on one side.
3/day, when the command is spoken ("Bother") Something That Might Be Useful To Edward Bear Or His Close Friends appears inside the pot. Roll d% and refer to the following table for results.
01-50......A small, ragged scrap of thin rubber, roughly 4" square, that is red or blue in colour.
51-80......A smackerel of honey or sweetened condensed milk. Enough for two people to share as a meal.
81-90......A spoonful of Extract of Malt. One dose grants +2 alchemical bonus to strength for 5 rounds.
91-95......A small sized swarm of normal bees controlled by the character. The swarm lasts for 3 rounds and then disperses.
96-00......A large black umbrella that may also be used as a boat when inverted and placed on a body of water. When used as a boat it can hold one medium or two small creatures (lightly encumbered).
Moderate conjuration; CL 7th; Craft Wondrous Item, minor creation, [/i]summon swarm[/i]; Price 6,480 gp; Weight 1 lb.
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Yes, the next write up is more than 200 words, but somehow that seemed apropos.
Red Tape
Red tape is a 1"-wide strip of scarlet red material coated with an adhesive substance on one side wound tightly around a wooden spool. A new spool contains 20' of tape.
Red tape will mend minor rips and tears in paper, cloth and leather items. Once applied the tape blends invisibly into the repaired surface. To peel tape from the spool the character must first make a DC 15 spot check to find the end and a DC 15 dexterity check to pull it up. Once the end is started, cutting a strip off is a move equivalent action that provokes an attack of opportunity.
However, handling paperwork within 60’ of this item invokes a curse. Affected creatures must succeed at a DC 25 will save or be compelled to complete the process in triplicate. Spellcasters must write the same spell into a spell book three times or scribe three copies of one spell onto a scroll. Bureaucrats will refuse to accept anything less than three signed copies of all documents. An affected creature becomes frustrated, reducing their attitude by one level, until the task is successfully completed.
Red tape is commonly found in the halls of government, academic institutions, religious establishments and similar locations.
Faint transmutation; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse, mending; Price 1,400 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
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:-j(enni)
Garnet of Growth
Appears to be nothing more than a common garnet but when affixed to a piercing weapon and the command word spoken it causes the weapon to grow one size category larger.
Common command words for this item are Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis.
It can also be added to a kettle of boiling water to make wet noodles hard again.
Consult a wizard if enlarged item fails to revert back to normal size after 4 hours.
Faint Transmutation CL 3rd: Craft Wondrous Item, Enlarge, 1,000gp
If it wasn't monkeys, it would have to be ninjas, and I haven't seen any of THEM around here.
Of course, I could have failed my Spot check.
SHHH!! They're all being saved for the Villain competition.