Zilvazaraat

Celestial Hippeh Lawyer's page

52 posts. Alias of Ambrosia Slaad.


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Now I'm just a simple outsider from a backwoods outer plane, but it is a fact that every pie {pauses dramatically}... is a 3D pie chart. A pie chart, likely a delicious one, indicating the amounts of the pie eaten and yet to be eaten.

{turns to imaginary jury} Therefore, by his own admission, MageHunter hates all pie.


<_<

>_>

Just call it the Notorious RBC. {drops 5gp in the Pun Jar}


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If very young children injure another child, the responsibility lies with the supervising adults, not the children allowed to commit the act.

If very young children fatally injure another child, the responsibility lies with the supervising adults, not the children allowed to commit the act.

If very young children eat the corpse of another child, the responsibility lies with the supervising adults, not the children allowed to commit the act.


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GM PDK wrote:
Gorbacz wrote:
I'm here to help! And unlike all those ambulance chasers out there, I offer a fair deal, 15% up front.
"We ONLY get paid... up front!"

Works on contingency

No money down


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Again, I have to remind you, as your counsel, that you cannot keep using "hypothetically" that way.


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Farael the Fallen wrote:
Vegetables can still post on Paizo.com. That is okay. But if a vegetable starts saying that they are the only foods that should be eaten, then it would not be allowed.

So, you're prohibiting only vegetable advocates of suicidal consumption, but not animal advocates of suicidal consumption?! That's outright discriminatory!


I'd think there is enough pre-TSR/WotC folktales, legends, and myths to act as a basis for new races of frog-folk ("heqetians"?) and "fiend-touched" humanoids. But they can't be called grippli (or bullywugs, sivs, boggards, etc.) or tieflings, and they'd probably need distinctive concepts/hooks to clearly differentiate them from any existing WotC-owned OGL humanoids.

I wouldn't rule them out down the road in an expansion, DLC, or sequel, but Owlcat probably has more than enough on their plate trying to shoehorn in all the other flavor & crunch stuff into this current game.


EltonJ wrote:
Lemartes wrote:

What about life insurance...or being dead insurance...or is it undead insurance in case you die(ie: raise undead...urh raise you)...maybe it's kind of all three? ;)

I think it works with the deals mentioned in the posts above.

Eox Life Insurance.

"Money for your family when we undeath you."

As a comprehensive plan, it also includes the standard Old Glory coverage.


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Commandant Happy Hour wrote:

"look everyone Captain Yesterday thinks that blue three eyed alien is Nobodyshome, let's laugh at him!"

It's like eighth grade all over again, 2014 was the worst!

If people laugh at you because NobodysHome and I both buy our bespoke humansuits from the same tailor, then don't take it personally. They've just rolled a 26-50 on the percentile dice against a confusion spell.


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Huh, didn't notice that before. Let me work on a polymorph ritual to change my appearance...

{eats a Snickers} Better?


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OBVIOUS TROLL IS OBVEOS wrote:
thegreenteagamer wrote:
Are you trolling if you feed the trolls to see them counter-troll?

I recommend throwing an alignment question or three at him

Distract him with the "What Is Batman's Alignment?" as your opening gambit while you hastily assemble an acrostic retort that spells his name backwards, thus banishing him back to his own dimension.


Ventnor wrote:

It is unfortunately that Safety Bear cannot dance when he wants to, nor can he leave his friends behind. Because his friends don't dance, and if they do not dance, then they cannot be friends of mine.

The prosecution rests.

Wait, you're the prosecution and the judge?! Nine Hells, I guess I made a major boo-boo not getting Safety Bear to take the plea deal... being sentenced to Rura Penthe to mine unicorns is pretty harsh for stealing pic-a-nic baskets.


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The Minis Maniac wrote:
..............Ugh I have spent $1000 in the last month on gaming stuff........ I have a problem.

Indeed. You should quit cold turkey. Please ship all of your game materials to Monkey, Dragon, and Slaad, Avocados at Law, and we will hold them safely for you while you undergo treatment for your addiction.


Avocado goats or abogado goats?


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?


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A handbasket of Hellknights

A _______ of stirges


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Dreaming Psion wrote:
5. "Who the freak is this guy? OH-WAIT, he's good, guys, he's good. He waved his PC card. Give him all our dead teammate's stuff."

5b. "Wow, how many near-identical brothers did Bobroy Jenkins, the Deceased PC, have? And what are the odds they'd all be just as experienced in the same class(es) as Bobroy?"


Liz Courts wrote:
Katina: Death is the ultimate break!

"Dead? No excuse for laying off work." [/Supreme Being]


{peeks out from cabinet under sink, cries silently}


Ralph Pootawn wrote:

If you took a dump, though, and some special genetic corn kernels were in there, though,.....they could sue your arse.

He might be on to something.

I had never considered that angle. They are suing for IP and patent infringement. Your digestive track does some serious altering/"remixing" of their product. Would they legally be able to legally lay a claim on your waste?

In communities where human waste is recycled (link 1, link 2: NotSafeAtMealtime links), could they lay claim to recycling plants output or revenues if they could prove a certain percentage of residents consume their GM product(s)?

What about the urea refills on your shiny new diesel automobile? The urea comes from cattle who may be fed GM corn/grains; could the GM IP/patent holder now require a percentage of the profits from the auto manufacturer (passed down to the consumers)?


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As usual, Geb manufacturers have blatantly violated interplanetary patent law and infringed on well-established Castrovelian Formian intellectual property.

{casts phantom ambulance and speeds off to courthouse}


hobbsdadolfin wrote:
you get all of the things you want, but it turns out the chick was a demilich.

Oh no, you don't get away that easily: make your wissssssssssssh...


DJ-Bogie is banned for failing his Sense Motive check and monologuing precious details about his true name. {finishes inscribing circle of banishing}


{presents subpoena} zylphryx is banned because this is not a Right-to-Ban state. To ban Gruumash, you have to schedule a meeting with him, his supervisor, and the Union Shop Steward -- Mr. Den A. Thor.

Also, please fill out this paperwork. {plops down ream of forms inscribed with Symbol of Legalese}


zyphryx is banned for failing to examine Charles Scholz's character sheet. He is a multiclassed lawyer / politician, prepping to enter the Lobbyist PrC.


Nasty Orc is banned for cribbing most of his recipes from Dretchel Ray: 30 Minute Abyssal Meals.


John Kretzer wrote:
Um any kind of lawyer can go defend you at traffic court...it is not like it is complex...and all they show is ifv the presuctor is not willing to deal...they will take it to court...which they don't really want to do over a traffic ticket.

Ah, you've never seen His Unfrozen Ponyness in court! He's so Epic Win, he can simultaneously defend his client, act as a key witness for the prosecution, and fill-in for the bailiff and court stenographer... all with no conflict of interest! Plus, he still gets triple overtime billing x 4!

During recess, he entertains the kids with free skittles and inflated condom balloon animals.

Plus, he even got me this freesuitcasefullofthisamazingwhitepowderHOOHAH! <SNORT> {passes out}


Sir Spitsalot: Paladin-at-Law wrote:
And yes, his hate speech is very disturbing. Methinks this young man needs some sensitivity training.

Maybe court-sanctioned aversion therapy? I know a contractor who might be interested.


Leafar the Lost wrote:

You have no rights, Aberzombie. I cite Zombie v. Denier, 3011. In the trial a Zombie, who shall remaine nameless, died and then was made into an undead creature a week later. However, during that time his castle was taken from him by Lord Denier. He sued, and the trial was heard by the Highest Court. The 13 Justices ruled that since the Zombie was dead, and had no heir, he lost whatever rights he had when he was alive. The fact that he was a walking corpse with memories of his former life was immaterial to the case.

The Zombie was then immeaditely destroyed by a paladin. You see, Aberzombie, you have no legal legs to stand on. You are dead. Just because you can talk, stumble around and eat people's brains doesn't make you a person. Sorry (not really) but you work for me now. Go and lead my undead legions to victory!!!

Hmmm, Hate Speech and Hate Crimes against the heartbeat-challenged. {scribbles notes, sees actual dollar signs in front of his eyes}

Also, you appear to have cited Faerunian case law. Unfortunately, all those records (and Deneir) were destroyed in the $ellPlague, so your precedents are moot.


Sharoth wrote:
Sebastian wrote:
I would provide them with the 21.84 seconds of legal advice that they purchased. This largely consists of me sighing deeply, and saying "Well, it depends..."

~SCREAMS in horror~ $500 an hour? You are SOOOO not worth it!

~grins~

You do know that every time you make Unfrozen Pony Lawyer reply to you, he adds it to your bill? By now, you already owe him all your miniatures and most of your RPG books.

And don't complain. It's your own fault for not reading the fine print. Plus complaining gets another reply, aka more of your loot.


Täîg wrote:
...why can't he cast fireball at 1st level?

'Cause he used his elemental substitution ability to prepare it as a sonicball spell. Like, durr!


Absolutely not. See, I posted here, so it can't be evil.


Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:
Hungry Jack wrote:
Hungry Jack® doesn't think the undead are all that bad. Better than kobolds.
Even mold is better than a kobold.

Vegepygmy-kobold? {shudders}


lynora wrote:
Well, if pasta is evil this probably explains the kidlet's burgeoning desire to become a supervillain. ;)

Mmmm, a can of Chef Zomardee Kick-A**ios really hit the spot. Plus with 3 proof-of-purchases, you get a free Drow Conspiracy Decoder Ring!


Celestial Follower wrote:

That has to be the oddest form of rabies I've ever seen.

<Hides in Celestial Ford Pinto>

Hmmm...
  • I hope CF is highly fire resistant.
  • I also hope that Celestial Ford Pinto does not also have the Chevy Corvair template.

Still, it's safer than hiding in a Trabbi.


Celestial Healer wrote:

How embarassing. I feel like we all have been in that situation where we act differently around two different groups of friends, and then there is that awkward moment where the two groups of friends meet.

Ol'Retribution will be better appreciated on the Untitled thread...

It's OK. How awkward do you think it was for me to deliver an anti-hippeh weapon, being 3/8's hippeh on my mother's side?

I was told it was supposed to be Lesson in Humility for me, or some such thing, but really... I'm above such things! Besides, I think the weapon delivery was part of the pot when A Higher Power That Be went "all in" in that Celestial Poker Match and lost to Loki. I mean, who else is going to get 5-of-a-kind?


Here Celestial Healer, none of the good-hearted country folk will accept this from me... {takes blue-steeled shotgun with ivory inlays and petrified redwood stock and... drives it barrel-first through a keg of PBR}

There! You can be the guardian of Ol' Retribution (a +3 Hippeh-Disrupting Shotgun with Ever-reloading Cold Iron Shot)!

Let he who is worthy, draw the shotgun from the keg! yada-yada-yada

{hangs Pine Air-Freshener (to counteract the stench of patchouli) from the shotgun butt}


Aberzombie wrote:
Git em CH! Git them dang hippehs!

{Teleports in} I can't believe I'm being used to make delivery runs now...

Master Aberzombie, for your tireless efforts toward keeping the 'hippeh' population under control, I have been ordered to present you with this: {hands over blue-steeled shotgun with ivory inlays and petrified redwood stock} Ol' Retribution -- a +3 Hippeh-Disrupting Shotgun with Ever-reloading Cold Iron Shot...

...and this: {hangs small pine tree around his neck} a Pine Air-Freshener to counteract the stench of patchouli.

Must go, I have to deliver some stupid other thing to some "worthy" recipient. Greater Powers have such odd ideas about... {Teleports out}


Kess of the Cult of Sebastian wrote:
(BTW: This thread now OFFICIALLY approved by the cult of Sebastian)

Well that just sucked all the fun out of it. Yep, even playing Cosmopoly and snacking on vegan chips would be more fun.


CourtFool wrote:
Celestial Hippeh Lawyer wrote:
*OK, I just threw up a little bit in mouth.*
Are you sure it was yours?

I have no reply which doesn't make me feel even more disgusted.


Secretlyreplacedwith wrote:

Which is just the way I like it. That way I don't have to share.

Of course, there is something to be said for having folks around to share with. When you still don't share with them, you might get the opportunity to see them cry.

*He seems harmless to others, perhaps it best to humor him* As a far superior being -- advanced well beyond my feeble understanding -- I am puzzled why you would even concern yourself with the primitive, two-dimensional, pale simulations that mere mortals would consider emotions?

Or why even waste the merest inkling of your infinite wisdom pondering this S*b*st**n fellow. He's probably only a figment of your limitless imagination, conjured up by a bit of indigestion from that last solar system you consumed. Once your digestion has finished, he will disappear into a whisp of nothingness and trouble you no more.

*OK, I just threw up a little bit in mouth.*


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Very well, my mistake. I count one cultist here.

Well, in a court of law, I'm pretty sure this one individual wouldn't pass a competancy hearing. Also, his testimony would be easily refuted by an expert psychological witness as "delusional" (to be nice) or "psychopathically insane" (to be not nice).

So if this single individual is not in his right mind, he clearly cannot consent to being a Cultist... and so S*b*st**n is reduced once again to a Cult of Zero. 8)


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
You know, I only see two accounts in the cult: David and Slaad. Losers.

Kobold, if you entered a Shrine to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you do not automatically become Pastafarian. Entering this Cult demiplane {looks around at scant membership} does not automatically make you a Cultist of S*b*st**n.

I am here because I was on retainer to the Jacks and he received a court document. You are apparently here to mock the Cultists. Neither of us are cultists. {sighs, Teleports out}


Callous Jack wrote:
Well, it is nice to reciprocate.
Sebastian's Law Ninja wrote:
I'll deal with this. Hands CJ a restraining order banning him from the thread

{pops in, snatches restraining order} Hmmmm... {speed-reads through it} Nope, it's perfectly legit and binding. {hands it to Callous Jack} Sorry sir, you have to vamoose and come no closer than 5 demiplanes of this one.

{hands Sebastian's Law Ninja a business card} That was a nice bit of work. I especially liked the "castration" clause, very nice. Have your assistant call mine... if I come across a contact law case, I'll try to send them your way. {flashes sharklike grin, teleports out}


Angel Fish wrote:
Hippehs are chaotic GOOD, you fool!
Celestial Healer wrote:
No, lawyer trumps hippeh every time.

{Gate's in, brushes off jacket} Ah, meeting adjourned 45 minutes for lunch. Hello again, CB. Barkeep, might I get a double martini? Thanks, my good Jack.

Don't get your scales ruffled, Mr. Fish. CB had some sort of childhood trauma, something about being trapped in a 60's flower-power legal commune. He can't help shooting hippeys or lawyers, especially if they pop in unannounced and catch him by surprise.

And no, lawyers aren't automatically evil. Just nearly all of the better ones.

Now CB, put the gun down, please? A second time in one day is bordering on rude, and the drycleaners charge extra to get smokepowder out of my suits.


The Dalesman wrote:

Devlyn puts a mug of coffee directly in the lawyer's field of view.

"Some coffee? It might help you stay on target this morning," he says with a smile.

{re-assesses his clients' level of mental disipline} Um, thank you, good man, but I should be going. I'm late for a nymp-, er, a meeting! Yes, a meeting, must not be late for the long, dull, boring, soul-tiring meeting! That Jack has my celestial messenger pigeon if you need to page me.

*But first, a detour to the arctic, so I can sit naked in a snowbank for about a half-hour* {Gates out}


Alaina, the Fire Flower wrote:

That's it! owww

Grabs thong and slips it on over her tanned hiney, then turns around and looks over her shoulder at Salty

Help a lady tie her top?

Celestial Hippeh Lawyer wrote:
{highly distracted} Ummm, doesn't she get cold?
Salty Jack wrote:

sweat dampens Salty Jack's brow

No, I don't think she does.

{mesmerized} Ummm, er, huh? Did you say something? *...stop thinking naughty thoughts, stop thinking naughty thoughts, stop thinking naughty thoughts, stop thinking naughty thoughts,...*

{averts eyes, which happen to land on towel-clad Lynora-Jill} *AUGH! STOP THINKING NAUGHTY THOUGHTS! STOP THINKING NAUGHTY THOUGHTS! STOP THINKING NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!...*


General J. Debauchery wrote:
Eyes lawyer suspiciously. Since when do Jacks permission to expand? Maybe it's really a summons...but the PlayJack Mansion has a nice ring to it.

{sighs} You Jacks drink too much. One of you- {waves hand at slumbering collection Jacks} put me on retainer. Besides, unlike some Celestial beings, I'm extra-Lawful, I'm not allowed to be sneaky.

Alaina, the Fire Flower wrote:

That's it! owww

Grabs thong and slips it on over her tanned hiney, then turns around and looks over her shoulder at Salty

Help a lady tie her top?

{highly distracted} Ummm, doesn't she get cold?


Callous Jack wrote:

It's a lawyer!

Get 'im!

Oh good, a Jack. Here- {hands him large envelope} with a little finesse, I got your zoning change request for the ClubMansion approved. A little more notice next time, hmmm?

{hands him clipboard} Sign here for receipt, please?

{points back at cabana} She'll need to sleep for a bit, so please don't wake her until she's ready. Please, no wannabe-Prince Charmings trying to wake Sleeping Beauty, eh? She should be fine, but- {hands him celestial messenger pigeon} page me if there are any unexpected complications.


Jack Hammer wrote:
I thin we kilt LJ
The Dalesman wrote:
Told you we needed some clerics ;)

{Gates in, leaving faint whiffs of patchouli and self-rightousness}

Make way, make way- {enters cabana, spys prone form of Lynora-Jill} Ah, here she is... {casts Extra-Strength Detox, then adds Liver Regeneration for good meaasure}

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