In the spirit of MTG:Unhinged, I thought it would be fun to list some of the more... unorthodox ideas that some of us have come up with. Truthfully it was inspired by some funny posts that I've already read. I'd love to get "official submission" style postings of some items that might not otherwise be selected.
Please keep them at a PG-13 rating and realize that this is an exercise in hilarity, not an additional contest, or anything that might resemble a serious matter in any way, shape or form.
With apologies to the original owners of these items, here are the items that spurred this exercise:
Kruelaid – Panties of the succubus, Britches of Stink Suppression
Nighthunter - Banana Hammock of the Todd
Ragwaine - Chair of Swordliness: when wielded as a weapon this large overstuffed chair acts in all ways as a long sword.
If you three would care to expand upon these ideas, I think it would be fun. For anyone who came up with similarly ridiculous items, feel free to post them.
Tenser's Floating Skateboard
This translucent oval disk about 3' long can be used to aid in travel.
A DC 10 Balance check is required each round to use the TFS. It doubles base land speed or normal land speed over liquid surfaces. Given a 10' start can be used to climb vertical surfaces at 2 squares per 5' cost.
A TFS rider can use the Spring Attack feat, but only in a straight line. Additionally if the rider is struck by any attack, the rider must make a DC 15 balance check or fall prone.
Faint Evocation; CL 4th; Craft Wondrous Item, floating disk; Price 4,000 gp.
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Prag's earPods of Sonic Happiness
Two small white earpieces connected by a cord of a strange lightweight but strong material. The cord comes together about 12" from each earpiece to form a single 2' cord. This cord attaches to a 1/2" x 1" x 2" metallic and white device that works as a focus for the item.
When placed in the ears and activated via the focus device, the device opens a tiny interdimensional portal though which it receives pleasant, if strange-sounding, music. The strange music is emitted from the earpieces, which the character places into his or her ears.
While the music is playing, the character cannot feel bored and reacts to all situations as if his or her attitude is friendly. Furthermore, the character is considered deafened. Characters using this device while traveling (especially via any form of public or mass transportation) get a +2 save versus fatigue.
Characters using the device for more than 10 minutes at a time must make a Will save (DC 15) or begin to sing along with the music.
Faint Evocation; CL 4th; Craft Wondrous Item, Blindness/Deafness; Price 200-600 gp. depending on the version.
Great idea here's the revised and expanded Chair of Swordliness. And the best part is that it's under 200 words!
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Chair of Swordliness
This mighty weapon was first wielded by Queen Brunhild against her husband King Oliver the Unlucky. At the time the powers of the chair were unknown and it was this secret that lost the good king his life.
When sat upon, the chair acts as a normal overstuffed chair, affording extreme comfort and relaxation but when wielded as a weapon the chair assumes all the qualities of a long sword. The chair may not be wielded while someone is sitting in it.
Though the original Chair of Swordliness is unique, many copies have been made with different styles of chairs and even other types of furniture. In fact, King Ozwald of Marienberg became famously known as the Sofa King after commissioning the creation of his own Sofa of Speariness, which he used to slay the dragon Blacktooth.
Weapons of this type are favored by rogues and assassins as their mundane appearance conceals their deadliness. Aging knights also favor these weapons as they afford comfort after long battles or during lengthy ceremonies.
Strong transmutation; CL 9th; Craft Wondrous Item, fabricate, polymorph any object; Price 15,000 gp; Weight 75 lb.
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Director of Narrative
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Enhanced Chain Steering Wheel
This b*&*+in’ chrome steering wheel, installed in the Red Raven by Eddie and Tommy after consuming an entire case of Natural Light, is the prime controller for that famed vessel. The enchanced chain steering wheel gleams with a kick-ass shininess that really attracts the chicks. It’s primary function causes the vehicle to give off a strong aura of b~!%#in’, and it is told that it increases horsepower. A nice ancillary benefit is that chicks dig it, yet their impression of the device changes towards the end of the evening.
Faint enchantment; CL 3rd; Craft Wondrous Item, bless,magic aura; Price 65gp; Weight 4 lb.
I posted this on D&D wiki a while back, thought it fit here.
Comfy Chair: This plush, incredibly comfortable, incredibly cushy armchair is also incredibly ugly. People who do not own the chair, especially spouses, tend to try to get rid of this armchair, usually without warning the owner. If someone is willing to sit on the multi-colored, multi-plaid chair, they will discover that a mere one hour rest in the chair is the equal of a full eight hours of sleep. The user finds that they have also been thoroughly cleaned. Over use of this chair has led some weak willed individuals to not want to leave the chair, they will sit there for hours soaking up the comfortableness of the chair. If the user fails a DC 15 Will Save they find that they are unable to bring themselves to leave the comfort of the chair. The user may attempt a new will save to leave the chair once every six hours. Some lazy people have even been known to starve to death in the chair.
Faint Enchantment; CL 1st; Craft Wondrous Item, Sleep, Prestidigitation; Price 3,000 gp; Price to Create: 1,500 gp, 60 xp, 3 Days
Robe of Useless Items.
Everything you don't need in a time of crisis.
Contributor
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Rock Spectacles
Price: 12500 gp
Body Slot: Face
Caster Level: 6th
Aura: Moderate Divination
Weight: --
The lenses of these wire-framed spectacles are made of thin slices of granite. Although the lenses are opaque, they in no way hamper the wearer's vision
These lenses give the wearer the ability to see through solid matter for a range of up to 20 ft., however, the ability only extends to women's clothing.
Prerequisites: Forge Ring; true seeing
Cost to create: 6250 gp, 500 XP, 13 days
Belt of Giant Stench
Somewhat less popular than the belt of giant strength.
Mainly due to the fact that the smell is very appealing to female giants who are drawn towards the wearer from miles around. It also makes them very... friendly and frisky!
The male giants that tend to follow their wandering wives and daughters are often a lot less friendly.
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The Boot of Dampening
To use the Boot, you first fill it with liquid, sometimes ale but most often water is used. Then you simply read aloud the chant inscribed on the heel of the boot, and the surrounding 5' radius becomes damp or moist. The effect dissipates at a natural rate, depending on humidity and wind.
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FINGERS OF BOOGER HARVESTING
These two fingers that were severed off a bronze statue look inert until the command word is spoken. When activated, they dart at designed target (Reflex 18 saves) and dig up her nose, squirming while inside. If the target is casting, she can't cast defensively and must make a concentration check (DC 25) or the spell is foiled by the inhuman annoyance.
During the following round, the fingers smear whatever they harvested on the target's face imposing a -5 penalty on concentration (Fortitude 18) until the victim wipes it off.
Craft: Mage Hand, Animate (something)
Belt of Fiberous Health
Mainly for those elderly mages who don't eat enough fiber...
Shovel of the Gorging
This magical shovel can effectively remove 0.5 cubic yards of dirt or other similar debris from the ground per round. Given the time and inclination the power of the shovel is mighty enough to even create an immense gorge, albeit the user would probably have to bequeath the Shovel to his progeny in fulfill this noble goal.
Goo
Hat of Rel
This Bane of Mona cursed hat turns your avatar into Rel, confusing gnoll priestesses and messageboard lurkers alike. Worn inside Maure Castle, the Hat of Rel is a boon unless you run afoul of Mordenkainen, Robilar or Bigby.
-W. E. Ray
Ring of Genital Enhancement
Does this really need further explanation?
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Director of Narrative
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...realize that this is an exercise in hilarity, not an additional contest, or anything that might resemble a serious matter in any way, shape or form.
...but I do expect to see proper formatting. ;) Some of these might be useful for an April Fool's Day game.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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Pants of the Many Monkeys
This simple pair of khaki adventuring pants contains, hidden in its many goody-sized pockets, monkeys. Many, many monkeys.
Each day, upon command ("Monkeys!") the pants produce 3d12 monkeys (see page 267, MM). These monkeys are CRAZY monkeys, however, and no amount of training, yelling or stomping of feet will get these monkeys to stop it with their crazy monkey shenanigans. The monkeys are possessed both a limited magical 'hive-mind' and an overwhelming, capricious desire to perform acts of mischief and tomfoolery.
The monkeys will probably eat all the rations and poop in the bedrolls. They will pants the cleric and 'honk' the elf's boobs. Also, they like to trip people, drink ale, and steal hats. The monkeys speak French.
Moderate Conjuration; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Nature's Ally III, Prestidigitation; Price 8,000 gp., 2 lbs.
Cork of the Demon
When touched to the skin of a living creature, this foul item instantly jumps into the nearest orifice, permanently sealing it. While permanently sealing a nostril or ear may be annoying, other orifices can lead to death by starvation or worse.
Throwing it is a ranged touch attack, but since it must hit bare skin to function any such attack typically incurs a penalty of 8 or more, depending on armor worn.
Belch of Dwarvenkind
Filling this normal-looking waterskin with Dwarven ale creates a magical potion. This elixir grants the imbiber the ability to summon a tremendous cacophony of gastric sound. Every creature in a 30' radius takes 1d8 points of sonic damage and must succeed on a Fortitude save (DC 17) to avoid being stunned for 1 round. Note: As the base fluid for this potion is Dwarven Ale, the imbiber (unless Dwarven) must succeed on a fortitude save, (DC 12), or suffer the effects of drunkenness, taking a -2 penalty on all attack rolls, saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks, for 1 hour. Additional uses, unless more than an hour apart, require saves with -2 penalties to both save and effects if failed, cumulative. The pouch contains enough liquid to make 4 such droughts.
Creatures that cannot hear are not stunned but are still damaged.
Minor evocation (sonic); CL 7th; Craft Wondrous Item, sonic burst, creator must be a dwarf; Price 1,900 gp; Weight 1 lb. (5 lbs when full)
And of course, his big brother...
Belch of Giant Strength
This is a stronger version of the Belch of Dwarvenkind; filling this normal-looking waterskin with Dwarven ale creates a powerful magical potion. This elixir grants the imbiber the ability to summon an ear-splitting belch that deafens and damages creatures in its path. Any creature within a 30’ radius is deafened for 2d6 rounds and takes 5d6 points of sonic damage. A successful save negates the deafness and reduces the damage by half. Any exposed brittle or crystalline object or crystalline creature takes 9d6 points of sonic damage. An affected creature is allowed a Fortitude save to reduce the damage by half, and a creature holding fragile objects can negate damage to them with a successful Reflex save. Note: As the base fluid for this potion is Dwarven Ale, the imbiber (unless Dwarven) must succeed on a fortitude save, (DC 12), or suffer the effects of drunkenness, taking a -2 penalty on all attack rolls, saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks, for 1 hour. Additional uses, unless more than an hour apart, require saves with -2 penalties to both save and effects if failed, cumulative. The pouch contains enough liquid to make 4 such droughts.
Creatures that cannot hear are still damaged.
Moderate evocation (sonic); CL 9th; Craft Wondrous Item, shout, creator must be a dwarf; Price 16,700 gp; Weight 1 lb. (5 lbs when full)
=)
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Hairpiece of Handsomeness
The magic of this hairpiece lies not only in it’s ability to conceal a balding head, but in modifying the viewer’s memory so that they believe the wearer always had a full, lustrous head of hair. (DC 15 Will Save negates).
Faint illusion, moderate enchantment; CL 10th; Craft Wondrous Item, disguise self, modify memory, Price: 80,000gp (and well worth it)
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Screen of Studiousness
This thin rice paper screen bears a painted image of a hard working peon. Three times per day, on command, the screen creates an illusion of the user hard at work at some labour or work of his/her choice, at the same time concealing whatever activity the user is actually undertaking (such as slacking off work by posting on the internet). A DC 17 Will Save enables a viewer to disbelieve the illusion.
Moderate illusion; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item, veil, Price: 10,000gp
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Eyebrow Ring of Seduction
This tasteful, sapphire eyebrow ring allows the wearer to instantly master the slow, seductive wink, the “how you doin’?” eyebrow quirk, and the deep, soulful gaze.
The wearer gains a +4 bonus to all Charisma based skill checks used as part of a pick up line or seduction attempt. In addition, the wearer can cast suggestion once/day and mass suggestion once/week as a sorcerer of level equal to the wearer’s character level.
Faint transmutation, moderate enchantment; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item, eagle’s splendour, suggestion, mass suggestion; Price: 12,000gp
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Director of Narrative
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Yep, Pants of the Monkey definately makes the top 32 ... if I were any judge (fortunately I'm not).
Good call Boomer.
As one of the self-appointed judges of this Sillystar event, I give a nod to the Pants of the Monkey. You're part of the 23!
Skateboard of Limited Flight
A small wooded board with four wheels attached to it. Upon uttering the command word while standing on the board causes a ramp shaped wall of force to appear 30' in front of owner. The board accelerates up the ramp and into the air giving the same effect as a Fly spell with the caster level equal to the owners level. Rider must make a DC20 Reflex save to stay on the board as it takes off and another DC20 Reflex save to avoid falling off the board in the air. Requires at least 30' of vertical space to use or rider takes 5d6 points of damage from crashing into the ceiling and the appropriate amount of falling damage from falling off the board at height.
Failure of the first reflex save to stay on the board results in the rider becoming confused as his head slams into the ground. Failure of the second reflex save results in 3d6 falling damage. Underside of skate board has message stating "Management is not responsible for any injuries or loss of property/life sustained while using this device."
Usually found with 30 feet of skeleton wearing a neon pink leather helmet. Wearing this helmet allows rider to reroll a failed reflex save to stay on the board once per day and provides a +5 competence bonus to those reflex saves only.
Jesters and bards are not required to make the reflex saves and may also attempt trick moves on the board by making either a Perform (Dance) or Tumbling skill check against a DC equal to 10+their level.
CL: 15th
Aura: Transmutation
Spells Required: Wall of Force, Fly, Cat's Grace, Expeditious Retreat
Cost to Create: 210,000 (Skateboard) 50,000 (Helmet)
(And this has actually shown up in a game or two of mine to sometimes spectacular results)
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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Wow! People, including smart, awesome people, (not just my goofy idiot friends), liked my magical Monkey Pants!
And to think that I was worried that my monkey obsession was somehow . . . unhealthy.
/just likes the idea of screaming “Monkeys!” during a fight. If some monkeys actually show up, so much the better.
Daern's Instant Chair - (also called a chair of folding)
Now you will never be caught without a place to sit!
Never lose at musical chairs again!
Hairpiece of Handsomeness
The magic of this hairpiece lies not only in it’s ability to conceal a balding head, but in modifying the viewer’s memory so that they believe the wearer always had a full, lustrous head of hair. (DC 15 Will Save negates).
Faint illusion, moderate enchantment; CL 10th; Craft Wondrous Item, disguise self, modify memory, Price: 80,000gp (and well worth it)
I have met people who have this item, except that it was cursed delusion type. Or maybe I just made my Will save.
Here's an upgrade to Daern's Instant Chair by Jayrellim.
Barbarian's Chair
This surprisingly comfortable metal folding chair is found among barbarian tribes. Commonly used as a chair, it possesses one unusual quality. Should anyone seated in the chair witness a fight between two or more humanoids, he must make a Will save (DC 18) or rise from their seat, fold the chair, and use the chair as a weapon in the melee. The chair is considered a greatclub in all ways, except that it does nonlethal damage and permits the wielder to engage in sneak attacks as a 3rd-level rogue. These levels stack with the wielder's rogue levels, if any. The wielder of the Barbarian's Chair is considered to be in a rage while using this unique weapon, but the rage does not count against his daily uses and gains the benefits of any feats or class abilities that the character possesses.
Craft Wondrous Item, Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Heighten Spell, rage, confusion
Babblefish; small minnowlike creature you put in you ear; acts as tongues spell but lets you speak the language as well; some gms have you feed it uhm; things :) Dont know who came up with these but they have been in games for the last 20 years.
If you want a good chuckle; get any set of Munchkin cards and read them; ROFL :)
Well, since this really took off, I suppose I should add my entry.
Boots of Striding and Streaking
Upon donning the Boots of Striding and Streaking, the wearer must make a will save (DC 15), or have the uncontrollable urge to strip naked and streak “the Quad”. Only a remove curse spell enables the wearer to be rid of the boots once their true nature is revealed.
Moderate Enchantment, CL 3, Craft Wondrous Item, Command, Bestow Curse, Price 30,000 GP.
Babblefish; small minnowlike creature you put in you ear; acts as tongues spell but lets you speak the language as well; some gms have you feed it uhm; things :) Dont know who came up with these but they have been in games for the last 20 years.
Shame on you not knowing where the Babelfish comes from.
Douglas Adams created it in the novel the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
Robe of Useless Items.
Everything you don't need in a time of crisis.
Cool! I used that item at ICon this year and at Gen Con. The PCs actually made really good use of it too.
How about the Booger of Flicking? Grosses out everyone it hits, making them temporarily nauseated. Or the Utterly Movable Rod. You even look in its direction and it whings around the room like a superball on speed. There's so many possibilities. :D
Rural Fiddle
Supposedly left behind by a powerful demon bested by a mortal bard, these golden instruments are fiddles of perfect timbre. When played by a bard with 3 or more ranks in Perform (bluegrass), a fiddle grants a +4 competence bonus to the bard's Perform skill. Additionally, Rural Fiddles have other, more potent, abilities: The musician gains one extra use of bardic music each day, can target two additional people with his fascinate ability, and can daze monster once each day.
Unfortunately, the fiddles' evil origins have tainted them. The infernal instruments' owners often find their teeth blacken and fall out, their breath becomes foul, and they are unable to resist drinking cheaply made ales and liquors. Driven to collect wagon parts and disabled chariots, they will leave the items in front of their homes. Even more sinister, they slowly become obsessed with their neighbors' "purty lips", and cannot resist mentioning their attraction. A DC 14 Will save forestalls these terrible effects, but the save must be made anew each day.
Moderate enchantment; CL 9th; Craft Wondrous Item, charm monster, daze monster, suggestion, bardic music ability; Price 11,550 gp; Weight 4 lb.
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So this could also go by the name of "Galstaff's Amulet" then? :)Lightbringer
This amulet can cast Magic Missile 1/day, but only to attack the darkness.
Faint evocation; CL 1st; Craft Wondrous Item, Magic Missile; Price 360 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Yes, it's part of a magic item set. The other items are a bag of holding that, when turned inside out, allows the bearer to pass through walls and a case of strange tasting liquid that keeps the imbiber awake for hours beyond the abilities of normal mortals. The case itself, however, is a cursed item, causing the bearer to sing "Fly by Night" on a failed DC 14 Will save.