| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
A Roman Walks Into a Bar and Asks for a Martinus
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. "Five beers, please," he says.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a Starbuck's.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics." They all laugh.
The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math." They all laugh again.
The philosopher says, "You know, mathematics is just applied philosophy."
The engineer replies, "Are you going to make us our lattes now?"
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
Russian novel: Does love have meaning?
American novel: Does work have meaning?
French novel: Does life have meaning?
German novel: No.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Russian novel: Does love have meaning?
American novel: Does work have meaning?
French novel: Does life have meaning?
German novel: No.
*entgetränke*
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
An astronomy grad student was late to a meeting with her professor, and her professor asked why.
Student: A cop pulled me over for running a red light.
Professor: Did you try to talk your way out of it?
Student: I told her that I thought it sure looked green, and maybe the light blue-shifted as I approached the intersection.
Professor: Did the cop believe you?
Student: Unfortunately yes. She also gave me a speeding ticket.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Did you hear about the French family who were so indigent they not only had no clothes, they had no bones, muscles, or viscera, somehow surviving as animate cutaneous organs?
They peau.
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1. A theory with a cooler abbreviation is inherently superior than a theory without a cool abbreviation.
2. Quantum electrodynamics has a pretty cool abbreviation.
Therefore: Quantum electrodynamics is superior to other theories.
QED
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| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
One seldom encounters humor in a science textbook. In the thermodynamics chapter of one of my chemistry textbooks, it said that doubling the absolute temperature would double the reaction rate, with a footnote* worthy of Terry Pratchett.
| 11 people marked this as a favorite. |
Q: How many historians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is a great deal of debate on this issue. Up until the mid-20th century, the accepted answer was ‘one’: and this narrative underpinned a number of works that celebrated electrification and the march of progress in light-bulb changing. Beginning in the 1960s, however, social historians increasingly rejected the ‘Great Man’ school and produced revisionist narratives that stressed the contributions of research assistants and custodial staff. This new consensus was challenged, in turn, by feminist historians, who criticized the social interpretation for marginalizing women, and who argued that light bulbs are actually changed by department secretaries. Since the 1980s, however, postmodernist scholars have deconstructed what they characterize as the repressive hegemonic discourse of light-bulb changing, with its implicit binary opposition between ‘light’ and ‘darkness,’ and its phallogocentric privileging of the bulb over the socket, which they see as colonialist, sexist, and racist. Finally, a new generation of neo-conservative historians have concluded that the light never needed changing in the first place, and have praised past political leaders like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher for bringing back the old bulb. Clearly, much additional research remains to be done.
| 8 people marked this as a favorite. |
Q: How many historians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is a great deal of debate on this issue. Up until the mid-20th century, the accepted answer was ‘one’: and this narrative underpinned a number of works that celebrated electrification and the march of progress in light-bulb changing. Beginning in the 1960s, however, social historians increasingly rejected the ‘Great Man’ school and produced revisionist narratives that stressed the contributions of research assistants and custodial staff. This new consensus was challenged, in turn, by feminist historians, who criticized the social interpretation for marginalizing women, and who argued that light bulbs are actually changed by department secretaries. Since the 1980s, however, postmodernist scholars have deconstructed what they characterize as the repressive hegemonic discourse of light-bulb changing, with its implicit binary opposition between ‘light’ and ‘darkness,’ and its phallogocentric privileging of the bulb over the socket, which they see as colonialist, sexist, and racist. Finally, a new generation of neo-conservative historians have concluded that the light never needed changing in the first place, and have praised past political leaders like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher for bringing back the old bulb. Clearly, much additional research remains to be done.
This joke is well thought out and very funny. I find it gives a nice historiographic overview even though it is far from exhaustive. The conclusion is strong and well supported. I recommend rejecting this joke for publication.
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
Three logicians walk into a bar. Bartented asks "Do you all want a beer?"
First one says "I don't know"
Second one says "I don't know"
Third one says "Yes please"
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
A physicist took the day off from the accelerator at CERN to do some shopping with his wife in Geneva. At ten o’clock, she was to get her hair cut. “Now, don’t wander off,” she admonished her husband. “I’ll be finished in an hour, and when I am I want to find you right here with the car.”
The physicist was sitting in the front seat on his phone when a beautiful young woman tapped on his window. Her car sensor was blinking she had a flat tire, and she owned no jack. Could he help?
He could, but in the process he got quite dirty. Fortunately the young woman’s apartment was nearby, so she invited him up to wash his hands.
Soon, however, one thing led to another. Two hours later the conscience-stricken physicist looked at his watch, which as all he happened to be wearing at the moment, and leaped to his feet. As he struggled into his clothes, and idea came to him.
“I’m doomed unless – so you have any flour here?”
“But, of course I have flour.”
“Good, I need some. An now sprinkle a bit of it over my jacket – especially the sleeves – wonderful!” Then he sprinted out the door.
His angry wife was waiting by the hair parlor. “Listen, darling,” he said, “Let me explain – I’m terribly sorry. You see, a young woman asked me to help her change her tire. What could I say? Then she invited me to her apartment to wash up. Before I knew what had happened we were rolling around on the floor making passionate love---“
“You liar!” cried his wife. “You utter sneak! You stand there, with chalk dust all over you, trying to tell me you didn’t go back to CERN to do physics!”
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
I took my car to a quantum mechanic and now my GPS and speedometer won’t work at the same time.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
The Trolley Opportunity
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Many people know and love Raymond Chandler's popular detective fiction. His hardboiled characters are iconic, of course, but perhaps even more influential are the many apt and startling comparisons that litter his language...
Few however, have read his ur-work, a dense and lengthy tome of deep lore that explains the origins of those clever deployments of like-as constructions.
I refer, of course, to The Simileillion.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
So it seems German publisher Aufbau-Verlag got in legal trouble over their latest plans to put out a complete works of the father of analytic psychology. The sticky issue was the all-color illustrations in each volume, which, to save Euros, the company had out-sourced to a Chinese colorist. It seems, however, that a medieval trade group still, by law, had monopoly rights on printed polychromatic images within the German state. Or, as the judge pithily ruled:
Only the Guild dyes Jung.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
You suck!
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Why didn't the dendrochronologist ever get married?
He only dated trees.
That way leads to treason!
(Or treadaughter! Look: dryads gotta come from somewhere!)| 5 people marked this as a favorite. |
drug /drəg/
noun
Any substance that when injected into a rat produces a scientific paper.
drug /drəg/
noun
Any substance that when injected into a rat produces a scientific paper.
chitter
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
In addition to their tradition Scoville-scale-determined suite of options, Kentucky Fried Chicken is offering a new menu item, wherein an employee will divine your fate by examining the bucket of chicken. Yep. You can order can now order KFC Mild, Medium, Spicy, or Extispicy.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Q: What do you call a stolen Tesla?
** spoiler omitted **
A bad idea. It's like stealing a mobster's car right before he's about to testify against the boss.
I got a C in a philosophy class where I used the cliff notes translation of a book by Mediocrates.
I was attempting to analyze the justification for knowing whether the points of a circle were basic or contingent upon each other when it occurred to me that my conclusion was based on circular reasoning.
How Thick Should A Coin Be To Have A One-third Chance Of Landing On Its Edge?
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The entirety of the Flatland school district was excited to meet the new transfer student, a Calabi-Yau manifold. The new arrival quickly developed a reputation as an attentive learner and a genius student... until the first test, where he received the lowest score in the grade. One of the teachers, a square, commented on this to the principal, a pentagon. "I was surprised at our newest student's test score - I had always thought of him as a bright pupil." After a moment's contemplation, the principal replied. "But of course - he seems complex, but when you get right down to it, he's only a p-brane!"
An economist is walking in the woods when he falls into a deep hole. How does he get out? “First, let us assume for the purposes of our model that we have a ladder.”
A new philosophy has gained traction in recent years - rather than adopting a holistic approach to life, practitioners pick and choose what elements of existing philosophies they wish to believe or disbelieve.
We now have philosophy "à la Cartesianism."
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
Stolen from the supervisors on one of my jobs. There's 5 people around a hole why isn't it getting dug 5 times faster!
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Paddy goes for a job on a building site. "Before I can hire you, I’ve got to give you a little test," says the foreman, "What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?" "Come on now, that’s too easy," says Paddy, "The difference is that Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust."
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Paddy goes for a job on a building site. "Before I can hire you, I’ve got to give you a little test," says the foreman, "What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?" "Come on now, that’s too easy," says Paddy, "The difference is that Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust."
And I just realized that someone already posted this one earlier in the thread...
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I don't always listen to John Cage's 4'33", but when I do, I still don't.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
I don't always listen to John Cage's 4'33", but when I do, I still don't.
Knock knock.
Who's there?Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
I don't always listen to John Cage's 4'33", but when I do, I still don't.Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Philip Glass who?
... desu.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a café
watching people go in and out of a house across the street.
First, they see two people go into the house. A little later, they see
three people leave.
The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house, it'll be empty."
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Some people think that the glass is 1/2 empty. Other people think that the glass is 1/2 full. Microsoft Excel thinks that the glass is January 1st.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
The multiverse is a strange hypothesis that leads to odd speculation. For instance, it is likely that there is an alternate history in which the Roman Empire found and conquered North America instead of the later Europeans. Strangely, after a series of convergent coincidences, the only noticeable difference between that universe and our own is the existence of a restaurant-turned-augury called Centurion Sanderius's Fried Chicken, at which you get your order extispicy.