ANSWERS!
1: That's not the kind of dressing I like on -my- salads.
2: He was the heir of a powerful family. You won't make it out of the Wisconsin state fair alive!
3: How about a knuckle sandwich... HOLD THE BREAD!?! :shredding guitar riff:
1.) Your tasting menu for this evening will consist of starfish tartar, a poison ivy salad with a goat's blood dressing, seared goose-bill, and for dessert there's soylent green. Does that sound good?
2.) So, do you think that filling the dunk tank with piranhas was a bad idea?
3.) You thought of any good names for our band yet?
Dear poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1: It's unfortunate, but that's the cycle of life for you.
2: Oh, yes! Of course! Why are you waiting?
3: Honestly, what other choice did you have?
1: Why is the rabbit devouring that tarrasque...
2: Would you like a hole drilled into your soul now, good sir?
2: I'm still wondering if tossing the rogue to the lich while we escaped was a good idea...
...
1) ALL HAIL GOATTOUCHER, LORD OF ALL!
2) I'm afraid the pod people took some time off. Something about spending time with the slimelings. We had to get mind-stealing fungus to cover for them.
3) The soul of a virginal dove, ripped to shreds for a dark ritual. Why?
1: :walks in to Cheers wearily: What's up everybody...
2: :cracks knuckles: whelp, I haven't done horrible things to would-be alien invaders lately. Let's get a pod person in the chair and see if we can't elicit some gurgling screams!
3: :chews thoughtfully: Is that... cinnamon? What's did you season this stew with?
Do the thing:
1: Well that's -one- way to shave your chest!
2: He interpreted the experience through the creation of this lovely topiary garden. Mind Shrub-Sothoth there.
3: Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough. T'will serve.
1.) But what if I used five lawnmowers?
2.) Did you hear about Bill's vacation to the Plane of Infinite Unending Horrors?
3.) Got any good "Yo Momma" jokes for the show tonight?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) I never thought it could be used that way, but I guess that might work.
2.) At least 2 more gallons of napalm, and we should be golden.
3.) Oh, I wouldn't worry. The land sharks should take care of it.
The Questions:
1. How many people does Sissyl have in her Man harem?
2. How is my torture technique?
3. How many miles can I walk in another man's shoes?
The answers:
1. Buffie
2. Jodie
3. Sissy
1: What's your nickname for your party's transmuter again?
2: IknowyouhateHarryPotterbutwhatwouldyousaytoJKRowlingifyoumether?
3: Not to be a bother, but can I get a heal? I'm kind of just a torso after that dire bear fight.
Answers, IF YOU DARE!!! :dramatic music:
1: Wow. That is impressive. Go ahead and put that in the back.
2: The Spork, now with 40% more Spoon! I use it in the shower!
3: AAAAAARGHOHGODMYORGANSYAAAARGH!!!
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@Belphegor:
1. So my character concept is a surfer chick with superhuman strength - but what should I name her?
2. What's the officially recognized nickname for a Grapes of Wrath fangirl?
3. "Daggum, ya' feel that burn, boy? Here in Texas, chili that hot is known as 'Satan's Brandin' Iron-Hot!' I betcha don't got anything that hot back in Thailand, but if ya do, whaddya call it?"
@NinjaToucher:
1. Here I am for Sneak Attack lessons - I brought my own weapon and everything! *displays double-greatsword* So where do I stick this?
2. Remember when Pizza the Hutt was getting his start doing commercials? What was that one jingle of his...?
3. So Chief, it looks like the victim was devoured from the inside by a plasma ooze. Dr. Brennan, would you care to give us your impression of the corpse?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Voldo, Elena, Rikuo, and Ickybod Clay.
2. I'll admit, that's an innovative - if unethical - use for a pinecone.
3. Lamprey porn.
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1. I say, there's four weird and heavily pixelated individuals battling it out in your living room, who are they?
2. Finally, I've got my revenge on GoatToucher! So, what do you think?
3. Yuck!!! What is that disgusting filth your goldfish is watching?
Next poster, I repeat the last three questions I had asked in my previous post, as they were never answered.
5. You're going to make it all the way to the bottom with that 'old man' stuff!
6. Because that's what we husbands do: we hunt, we fish, we watch sporting events and we APOLOGISE!
7. (In a sarcastic tone) You should right a a book: 'How to offend women in five syllables or less'!
5.) So that was one of the songs on our new album, "Punk Polka." What do you think?
6.) Hey Dad, why are you carrying that dead dear, those fish, and that bouquet of roses?
7.) But the date was going so well! What happened?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answer to your questions below.
1.) I think you forgot to carry the 1.
2.) Maybe five? Definitely more than three.
3.) At this point, I think the only solution is to awaken the tarrasque.
1. How would you know if a Loompa was approaching you with a tropical drink?
2. Seriously, what would be one of the most difficult questions in math be, without a calculator?
3. I need some air filters, got any recommendations?
Next poster:
1. Choked on the goldfish.
2. It's because the south koreans are excellent drama writers in their comics, they can make you feel sad for characters.
3. OOOOH MY GOD!! THE BLASPHEMY!!!
1.) So do you maybe... wanna... go out some time?
2.)What just happened? My computer grew legs, called me an idiot, and jumped out the window!
3.) Why should I give you this cupcake?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) Not really, and nothing has ever been the same since then.
2.) The secret is a foundation of potatoes. Once you've got that, you can't lose!
3.) An arm and a leg, before taxes.
3. Should maybe fighters be able to do cool things also? ;)
1) Was sending in a bunch of skeletons into a full kennel of hungry dobermann dogs really such a smooth idea?
2) My my sir, how did you come up with that spud-gun idea?
3) Look you a-hole, i'm being robbed of stuff constantly, what could i possibly have left to give?
Next poster:
#1 Zum-Zum
#2 Because the metal hand in the sky directed me there.
#3 This is not a dress, it's a standard dreadknight armor.
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1. You know El Seed's minions, the Bee Twins? What are their actual names?
2. Why do you seek the Castle Anthrax?
3. What's wrong, dear? Why don't you want to get married in that?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Believe it or not, that can be easily replaced.
2. It would mean...that Swaziland is now a world power!
3. Olmec, that is sick!!!
1.) So I was thinking we could invite Satan to our next midnight square dance shindig. You think he'll come?
2.) Oh God, that music... where is that music coming from!?
3.) I've modified my Aunt's chili recipe a little bit. Take a look, do you think it will be good?
Dear poster,
You will find the answers to your next three three questions below.
1.) Yes. Wait, no! Dammit!
2.) But why the llama?
3.) I'd use a 10-foot pole. 20-foot if at all possible.
1: Tell me: would you like a pina colada after our session in the "workroom"?
2: Tonight's festivities will be the most hedonistic this provincial nation has ever seen! The finest food and drink shipped in from the far corners of the earth! Beautiful men and women to satisfy carnal urges! Hobos to hunt for sport in the hedge maze! It will be a delight!
3: Be a dear and scratch my back? Shaving that llama was itchy work, but oh, so worth it!
Answers:
1: Yes, that's enough pork, but is it -too much- pork?
2: Perhaps if you crafted a crude lathe...
3: Well, that stretched further than I expected.
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1. What were Buddha's last words?
2. Look, we're stranded on a desert island, all I've got to work with is rocks, grass, and coconuts, and this isn't Gilligan's Island, this is real life! How do you expect me to make you a saxophone?!?
3. What were Reed Richards's last words?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. SQUANK!
2. The St. James Tearoom.
3. I call it "The Dr. Seuss Cocktail."
1: Thank you, Clockwork Chicken! You've saved the city again! How can we ever repay you?
2: What's the most interesting place you've ever been naked?
3: This drink you invented is 90% horse laxative. One sip of this and Oh, the places you'll go!
Answers:
1: Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Hubbard!
2: I'm tired of these gol-durned flumphs on this gol-durned Spelljammer!
3: :clapclapclapclap: Deep in the heart of TEXAS!
1: What were McCain's farewell words to the mother-superior?
2: No, i don't know what the brown fighter said, when locked in an anti-magic mobile home. What was it?
3: The state with the most trigger happy people in the states?
I have a hunch, but tell me so i can confirm.
Next poster:
1: Why don't you lead an army, instead of poking me around.
2: I shot the sheriff, and the deputee, and the wee doggie too.
3: That's the day GoatGroper disappears from the boards.
1.) Have you tried reinforcing the right flank in case the Legion of Light attacks our Horde of the Damned from the West?
2.) That's three bullets missing from your revolver. Who was it this time?
3.) So, what if we had a rule where everything that people posted on this message board had to make sense?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answer to your next three questions below.
1.) Even the cleansing fire will not be enough.
2.) Maybe... we could try... four of them?
3.) Oh my.
1. WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR SHRIEKING PANTYHOSE?!!
2. "Ugh. You give Mugchuk shorts. Mugchuck try eat. Mugchuk no like! What Mugchuk do with shorts?"
3. "Forget the Maypole - we've got something new for the Junior School's Spring Fayre, haven't we, Monsieur Guillotine?"
Here are your bloody answers, you inhuman fiends!
1: No, that's a flak jacket.
2: But it says on the front that it's a firework-proof commode!
3: If it can happen to Barbie, I suppose it can happen to anybody.
1: Where's my jacket?
2: Hah, that's a good reference! Now seriously, where's my jacket?
3: Could you give me a helpful answer?
Dear poster,
You will find the answer to your next three questions below.
1.) Well that's a waste of a natural 20 if ever I saw one.
2.) Our next President, that's who!
3.) Not necessarily. Though you're not exactly wrong, either.
1.) ... And that is operational plan Zeta-Theta-Alpha. I trust there are no questions.
2.) I don't understand!? What happened to our dung-powered rocket?
3.) I will now demonstrate the somatic component of this new spell...
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) That is relevant, but we really should address the crocodile problem first.
2.) You are in command now.
3.) Oh, I wouldn't go that far. Almost that far, mind you, but not quite that distance.
1: At last! All the doilies for the garden party are done, and just in time for the guests to arrive!
2: Pardon me? I can't make heads or tails of this Ultimate Space Dreadnaught's layout. Is this the bathroom?
3: I heard you have the World's Mightiest Bladder (tm). Can you tinkle across the street into my neighbor's sunroof?
Answers:
1: Darkness, imprisoning me! All that I see, Absolute Horror!
2: I knew you were trouble when you walked in!
3: Run to the Hills! Run for your Life!
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1.) So that was the first act of my new opera. What do you think so far?
2.) Okay, I know it looks bad. But to be fair, I wasn't aware that all cows shared a telepathic bond. Did you know that?
3.) Hello, internet friend! Care to discuss some politics and/or religion?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) Close, so close! Just a little more oatmeal and we would have had it!
2.) I warned you not to go into the comments section!
3.) Wizards, man. Don't question it.
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1) NOOOOOO! My plan for dominating the world via nanobots who are nukes which are actually cybernetic elder things but aren't that hide in oatmeal has faiiiilllleeeed!
2) WWIII may have had something to do with losing all of my faith in humanity.
3) I didn't know owlbears could get stoned.
Answers! Yay!
1. Gimme a H! Gimme a A! Gimme a S! Gimme a T! Gimme a U! Gimme a R! Goooooo, HAAASTUUUUUR!
2. Damned wookies.
3. LUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAS!!! WHY, WHY MUST YOU WOUND MY NERDY SOUL SO!
1: Psh! Yeah: Like -cheerleaders- can destroy the world...
2: Why is there hair... on the couch, in the refrigerator, in the silverware drawer? What the hell?
3: I hear that GL has a writing credit on Episode VII. Apparently the film will be Gungan-heavy.
Answers:
1: Not in -my- colon you won't!
2: Luck, be a lamprey tonight!
3: Porklahoma.
1. Shall we setup a mobile 1st aid post here?
2. Lucky7's going to be something different tonight, but what could it be?
3. What do you name Oklahoma's BBQ feast?
1. FOR THE LICH KING!
2. FOR DOOMHAMMER!
3. FOR PONY!
1.) So whose birthday are we baking this cake for?
2.) Wait, you left something back at the diner? What exactly are we going to be looking for?
3.) Why did we enter this horse eating contest again?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) If I really need to explain this to you, then it's never going to work.
2.) If I had a gold piece for every time I've heard that!
3.) I thought that was your job?
1: How are you going to invade the city using two hundred gallons of pork gravy and a plastic back scratcher?
2: Psst! Don't look now, but: you've pooped out all your organs!
3: Be a dear and sop up all the tears from the Chamber of Shame, squeeze them out into a bucket, and pour it into the Pool of Lamentation, please?
Answers:
1: Scourge of Carpathia! Sorrow of Moldavia!
2: THAT'S where the weasels come in!
3: Just for that: no Turkish Delight for you!
1.) Quick! Tell me the names of your favorite metal songs before it's too late!
2.) I don't understand. How are you going to get the prince to willingly give up his crown?
3.) You know what? I don't think the White Witch is a very good queen at all!
Dear Poster,
You will find the answer to your next three questions below.
1.) No respectable wizard would try, I'll tell you that!
2.) I think context just makes the whole situation more confusing.
3.) Much as I hate to admit it, you were right.
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1. I have just developed a really powerful spell that will allow the caster to turn into a golden furred foo dog! What do you think about it?
2. I just recited 'my jolly sailor bold' (as per your request) for you. What do you mean I can't use it at your wedding?
3. And YOU said it wasn't too cold to wear scarf, well who's the one with frostbite on their neck?
Next poster, here are your answers:
1. I was at a tea party in wonderland!
2. Now don't go blaming your sister, just because she's a mermaid!
3. Look, if you want to jump off a cliff whilst trying to use a chicken as a hang glider, then be my guest!
1: We held an intervention to discuss your increasingly delusional behavior, but you never showed. Where were you?
2: MOOOOOM! -Someone- laid five gallons of eggs in the tub -again-!
3: We really need to discuss how terrible your analogies are, but I don't want you to get upset.
Answers:
1: Nice knife. Now about my organs...
2: That could have been anybody! Why are you looking at me?
3: Oh my, yes!
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1. *walks back into the kitchen* Wait...what's my carving knife doing tucked under the Thanksgiving turkey's wing?
2. Mount Everest doesn't just get up and walk away. Any guesses what happened to it, Carmen?
3. I don't suppose you're any good at watch repair, Mr. Abdul-Khasis?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Doinkle-doinkle zwie! Doinkle-doinkle zwie! Doinkle-doinkle zwieeeee!!! Noodly-noodly.
2. Um, I get Skill Focus (Handle Canoe) as a bonus feat at 10th level....
3. Secret messages hidden in episodes of Kablam!.
1. What is the first line of the Swiss National Anthem?
2. Why did you spend so much time and effort maxing out the Scoutmaster prestige class?
3.By what means do real Illuminati communicate with one another?
Now, you rotter, here are your bally answers.
1. Written in raspberry frosting on Mary Berry buns.
2. It was merely a mopping-up exercise by that point.
3. Just because you can use a vacuum cleaner for that doesn't mean you should!
1.) We've kidnapped the princess as you ordered, Sir.. How should we send the ransom note?
2.) So what happened after you doused the dragon in Rumptoucher (TM) Brand Goat Ointment?
3.) You said it was okay to borrow your stuff, so we used it to build a Doomsday Cannon.
Dear Poster,
You will find the answer to your next three questions below.
1.) Have you tried screaming at it?
2.) When in doubt, always the red one.
3.) *A look of astonished amazement accompanied by a slow clap*
1: Any advice fro a prolapsed rectum?
2: Which button should I push: the one marked "Cake" or the one marked "Death?"
3: :plays with a ball and cup for three solid hours before getting the ball in the cup:
Answers:
1: Ed Asner isn't going to like this...
2: You get to drink from THE FIRE HOSE!!!
3: The check's in the mail.
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1. We're finally bringing back Freakazoid!! There's been one or two changes, though, mainly that Sgt. Cosgrove is going to be voiced by Rush Limbaugh - who's also going to be chief writer.
2. How is asking the Internet for "pictures of cats" like going to Stanley Spadowski's clubhouse?
3. Where does Sir Lancelot put his salary to keep it safe?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. One of those clunky clay Ancient Greek theatre masks.
2. Solid gold excrement.
3. The 6th Planeteer, with the Power of Void!
1.) So, this evil bard we've been fighting is actually a lich. What do you think his phylactery is?
2.) What did you say the final component for the resurrection spell was?
3.) So, Bob and Sarah have got their characters put together for our Middle-Earth inspired campaign. What kind of character were you planning on playing?
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) That's a recipe for disaster if ever I heard one.
2.) I've heard a lot of dumb ideas in my time, but that's the best idea I've ever heard! You'll make millions!
3.) I'd say add some fangs. You can't go wrong with fangs.
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1. Have you heard? Donald Trump's going to be on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert soon!
2. What if I set up a business where people paid me to listen to their dumb ideas, at a rate of 5 cents per idea voiced?
3. I'm genetically engineering a new and better garden slug. Any suggestions for how to improve it it?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Lucille Ball warned us, didn't she?
2. It's been that way ever since GoatToucher ran off to join ISIL.
3. Now you understand what *really* makes Silicon Valley so special.
1.) How was I supposed to know that camera golems were a thing!?
2.) Do you know why all the deserts of the Middle-East are permanently tainted with a foot-deep layer of vomit?
3.) So, I just found out that thirteen goats are sacrificed whenever a new operating system is programmed.
Dear Poster,
You will find the answers to your next three questions below.
1.) I can neither confirm nor deny that.
2.) Don't give in! Just try it one more time!
3.) Unorthodox, yes. But it could work.
1: Hey, Ventnor: Is GoatToucher brand rump ointment your preferred brand of rump ointment?
2: I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to end this prostate exam.
3: Have you tried -not- licking toads?
Answers:
1: It was everything I'd hoped it would be, and two-thirds of what I feared.
2: HNRRRRG!
3: All I know is that you're on in five minutes, so get into your Little Bo Peep costume!
1. Soooo! What was it like, looking up Carly Fiorina's trousers?
2. OOOOOGH?
3. Is this really part of the SAS entrance exam?
Srewna.
1. If that doesn't work, try deflating it first.
2. And that's how playing Rolemaster turned me into a Satanist!
3. Gonorrhea and bassoon lessons aside, yes.
Your questions are:
1. Tom Brady is having troubles getting touchdowns. Should he start taking steroids to throw the ball better?
2. All your players wanted to play evil characters and would like more realism in their games. How are you handling that?
3. I heard you took a trip to the deepest part of the jungle and stayed with the natives for a month. Did you have a good trip?
Your answers are:
1. The old man down the road.
2. Strawberry fields forever.
3. It was the heat of the moment.