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Scarab Sages

Pulg wrote:

1) The moon is in the seventh house, heh heh heh.
2) A psychedelic dungeon has popped up on my street!
3) Summertime will be a love-in... there

1. What do you get when you cross Miss Cleo with Beavis and Butthead?

2. Where did you find wild peyote in the middle of the London suburbs???
3. How will our astronauts keep warm on Mars?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. An otyugh wearing stiletto heels.
2. An azruverda wearing a pince-nez.
3. A tzitzimitl wearing a yarmulke.

Sovereign Court

1. What is the most disgusting thing you have ever seen?

2. Tell me, what do think would be funny to see?

3. Lastly, what would you say is the most impossible thing to behold?

Answer these questions if you can, brave mortal.

1. I'll rebuild again, I'll make you taller and not so fluffy!

2. *Gasp.* Leave my mother out of this!

3. You could use a makeover. I tried to give you my good looks, but let's face it, something went wrong.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

1. Why am I now a kitsune?

2. Who's the girl with the short skirt? She's hot!

3. Why did you make me look like Donald Trump?

Answers to follow!

1. That is now how you use pumpernickel!

2. Eh, could use more fire.

3. No no no! The pelvic thrust is last! Look, do you want to do this time travel ritual, or not?

1: :uncomfortable grunt:

2: So: burning the entire city down because they would not submit to your Dark Will, eh? How do you like it?

3: You're going to drive me in sa-yay-yay-yay-yay-yane!


1: Onions. Onions? Onions! ONIONS!

2: Perhaps a soothing topical cream?

3: Wow. That really hits me where I live.

1.) *Smug smirk* Onions.

2.) The burning is unbearable! How do I make it stop?

3.) But hey, who cares. It's just New Jersey, right?

Who asks the answers?

1.) You have to teach them how to say "goodbye."

2.) Say no to this.

3.) See you on the other side!

1. Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo, what can your parents do for you?
2. Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee, how many ways to say no to thee?
3. Oompa Loompa Doopity Dat, if I toss you will you go splat?


1. Oompa Loompa Doopity Die, what you say makes me go sigh.
2. Oompa Loompa Doopity Dat, I am not a pretty house cat!
3. Oompa Loompa Doopity Durse, when you release me from this curse.

Grand Lodge

1. 'Did you know I can touch my bellybutton with my tongue?'

2. 'Hello, attractive abode-dwelling feline!'

3. 'Will you please let go of my neck, I can't breath.'

omg u hav da ansers


2) *ding* Now entering hyperspace!

3) You call that breaking a spine?! I show you breaking a spine!! *crack*

1.) Everyone, please rise for the National Anthem.

2.) So, how are we going to know when the warp drive is gonna kick in?

3.) Hah! 7 vertebrae shattered with one karate chop! Can you top that?

Fresh, piping answers! Straight outta the oven!

1.) I'm sorry, but I'm all tapped out.

2.) That is indeed quite impressive.

3.) What if I answered your question with another question?

1) Won't you have another faucet? Just one more faucet? Just one more wafere thin faucet?
2) I have had all the rules for FATAL, including illustrations, tattooed upon the cheeks of my buttocks. What do you think of that?
3) Celery or artichokes?

By the left, quick Answers! Left! Right! Left!

1) Morphine and chives.
2) On the sixth floor of the Texas Book Suppository
3) Resistant to antibiotics, yes, but not yak butter.

Scarab Sages

1. What's the most popular depression treatment for the age 20-29 set?
2. Where do I find the starting point of the once-great United States's transition to becoming completely ass-end-up?
3. How is the Dalai Lama's personal chef supposed to help us defeat the Chinese supervillain Superbug???

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. One weekend a month, my ass!
2. No blood for oil!
3. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

1. You went protesting against army recruitment, how did it go?
2. Welcome to the Dubaian Vampire Club. We are in need of large quantities of the fine Red. Can you provide in exchange for the valuable Black? It'll likely be just 2000 people's worth.
3. In an old episode of I.M. Weasel, he and I.R. Baboon lost their brain in a freak accident. What did they doctors do to the Baboon's body?

Well now, here are the new answers.

A) Yog-Sothoth has been approved as PFS legal!
B) Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin starring in a ballerina show.

Scarab Sages

A. How is it that a Neh-Thalggu became the Society's newest Venture-Captain?
B. What's the centerpiece of GoatToucher's plan for world peace?
C. In one word, please encapsulate the spirit of 2016.

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. Terry Pratchett breathing fire.
2. Jerry Brown with Pact Magic Binder levels.
3. Noam "Megavolts" Chomsky!

1.) But who could help us see in the octaroon light spectrum?

2.) Now presenting our benevolent overlord of the Free Empire of California!

3.) So what was your wrestling gimmick back in your WWF days?

You want answers? Come get 'em.

1.) I'd say that it's rather self-explanatory myself.

2.) I... guess so...

3.) Yeah, well you're a... shut up!

1: ... What do you mean you "left your kidneys at the Steak 'n Shake"?

2: :slowly but firmly massages your shoulders, speaks softly into your ear: Does that feel better?

3: :looks down, scoffs derisively: Nice penis...


1: Well, that was more intense than I expected, but sure: I'd try it again!

2: It took some doing, boy howdy, but we finally got it in there!

3: It burns like the fire of a thousand suns...

Scarab Sages

A. Welcome to Elysium. Sorry you had to die...that way. Not a pretty way to go. Would you prefer to stay, or be reincarnated?
B. Has the Democrats' best mole, Ted Cruz, managed to place the poison amendment in that damned "wealthcare" bill?
C. Describe my smile.

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. The Fiend Fantastic in a legal drama.
2. Sissyl in a Disney movie.
3. Pulg in an experimental claymation film.

1: :man wearing an expensive suit in a corner office cracks his knuckles, glances down at script title: "Damned If You Do"? Alright: Pitch it to me. One Sentence.

2: "Horns: A Tale of Deadly Magic and Deadlier Hats"? Pitch.

3: "Mop: A Sexual Odyssey"? ...What?


1: Well, it's better than the casting couch...
2: Talk about "Best Boy"...
3: Let me put it this way: We won't be able to put the "No animals were harmed..." disclaimer in the credits.

1) Please, won't you step into my office and take your place on the 'Ottoman of Bottoman'?
2) Oh, your dog just HAS to go one better than all the other dogs, doesn't he?!
3) Tim LaHaye complained and we had to feed the lions to the Christians instead. What difference will this make to our Colosseum movie?

Oh answer tree, oh answer tree, how lovely are your branches.

1) Yes, all of the members of 'Chicago'!
2) Nailed to Christopher Cross.
3) If you play it backwards, it says 'MeeenghOOOooooublugblurblugneeeEEEEEEEE'. NOW YOU MUST BELIEVE!

Pulg wrote:

Oh answer tree, oh answer tree, how lovely are your branches.

1) Yes, all of the members of 'Chicago'!
2) Nailed to Christopher Cross.
3) If you play it backwards, it says 'MeeenghOOOooooublugblurblugneeeEEEEEEEE'. NOW YOU MUST BELIEVE!

1.) The entire population of the city? You’re sure?

2.) And where will I find the money after we conclude our “business?”
3.) I dunno. I’m going to need one more good reason to believe that GoatToucherism is the one true faith. You got one?

Answers, I bid you rise. Rise and FEAST ON THE QUESTIONS OF THE LIVING!!!

1.) Not... precisely that, no.
2.) It will if I say it will!
3.) Two or three more at most. Definitely not more than four.

1: So... you want me to send this eggplant to Uranus?
2: Look, I know that you are a "MASTER OF THE UNHOLY ARTS OF NECROMANCY" and all that, but that turkey isn't going to cook itself.
3: Okay, exactly how many of my grandparents are you going to enlist into your horrifying army of the undead?

Oh, you'll get your answers... one way or another...

1: Now that's my idea of an "Antiques Roadshow!"
2: It'll be a hit with the kids, that's for sure.
3: Well, that's one way to handle the employment crisis facing millennials...

Sovereign Court

1. Fossils talking about (and selling) even older fossils, I wonder what my great grandfather would say about such a thing?

2. Now, are absolutely sure, that "poo-poo playhouse with Kaka the clown" will boost the TV ratings?

3. I think that we may need to create a little discussion group with the parents called "hindsight". What do you think?

Here's your answers!

1. Now you stop being so hard on yourself, all is forgiven!

2. That wasn't the first time I was tossed out a window and it won't be the last! What can I say? I'm a rebel!

3. So, there's only one rule in the Spyglass Inn, you have to wear an eye-patch. So you take yours off! What a rebel!

1. But how can I ever make it up to you for eating all your Viagra?
2. Wowee, are you the Maverick Window-Catcher of Warminster?
3. Would you like to see the climax of my Burlesque routine?

Answer me, pray.

1. Denim everywhere. Well, nearly everywhere.
2. I knew there was one problem coconut oil couldn't solve.
3. I said cheese, not chi. There's a difference!

1.) My gentleman’s parlor! What monstrosity has occurred here!?

2.) But what if coconuts make me physically ill?

3.) But why would you need the Grandmaster of the Unblinking Lotus to make dinner?

These answers are... here.

1.) You’re serious, aren’t you.

2.) Not if my cummerbund has anything to say about that!

3.) Beeeeeeeeeeeees! Aghblglble!!!

1. Why don't we just "borrow" the CIA's severs to run a world simulation according to Pathfinder rules?
2. Do you think giving clothing sentience was a bad idea?
3. What's in that nest? can you poke it and find out?

Your answers are at my mercy!

1. Spaaaaaaaaace!
2. I did bring this railgun, we could try that.
3. You will need to explain this, "it's magic" won't cut it.

1.) I brought the girl, just like you asked. Now where’s my money?

2.) Well we’ve tried the small gun, the medium gun, and the medium-large gun. That armor seems to be impenetrable. Anyone have any other ideas?

3.) Oh, the tentacled unicorn? Yeah, it, uh, it’s...

If questions are what you seek, see the answers below.

1.) it’s a necessary evil!

2.) I’m undoing it as fast as I can!

3.) Well I’m convinced!

Sovereign Court

1. Did you really have to summon a devil to attack GoatToucher?

2. Good gracious! The summoning ritual has gone out of control! I hope you intend to remedy this!?

3. It's a complete disaster area! And they say it was all caused by the governor eating some beans. Can you believe it?

The answers, or are they?

1. Move it shorty! Did you want to get knocked over?

2. You insolent clod-hoppers! Do you not realise you speak with your leader?

3. Hey Earl, does the boss wear leotards?

1: :ER Doctor: Wow. This is some pretty severe damage to your genitals. It looks like someone used your scrotum as a speed-bag. What did you say to piss off a dwarf so much?

2: :ER Doctor: Wow. These are some pretty severe pitchfork wounds. And... is that a cut from a hoe blade? What did you say to piss of the farming community so much?

3: :ER Doctor: Wow. That's some pretty severe head trauma. There will almost certainly be some cognitive issues for a while. What did you say to get hit in the head with a sledgehammer by a nun?

Answers, anyone?

1: They call me MISTER Pibb!

2: Well, it was fun while it lasted. Back to the mines!

3: I'll never use that after shave again, I'll tell you that much for free!

1.) Who dares to stand against the Lord of all Darkness and his unstoppable army?!

2.) My... my house... Why!? HOW!?

3.) Do you want to comment on the screams coming from the bathroom, or should I just assume the worst again?

Answers for sake! 3-for-1 bargain!

1.) I don’t deserve this!

2.) Oh. That’s a... um... tragedy...

3.) Fair warning: he has no gag reflex.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

1: Because we have grown closer after the past few months, I wanted to give you something.

:takes out an ornately gilded chest about one foot on a side:

It's a family heirloom. It's... It's very emotional to me. I'm just going to leave you here so you can see it for yourself.


:you open the lid, and find that the chest is filled with bees. thousands and thousands of bees! BEES!:

2: :talking on phone:

What?!? When? Completely destroyed? How could this happen? Yes... We'll talk later.

:puts down phone:

That was Henry, my night watchman. I had a ten thousand gallon vat filled four feet high with human [REDACTED] where I kept a number of people who had irritated me over the years. A man who once spilled wine in my lap had been there for nearly twenty years!

Apparently the fumes created by all that [REDACTED] and decaying flesh apparently caused the vat to explode... There was a lit torch nearby and... well, there were no survivors.

What am I going to do for entertainment at my birthday party next week!?!

3: A goat? For me? Well, that's a bit on the nose, but much appreciated!

Does the goat have any problems that are not really problems at all?


1: A lot more than you'd expect.

2: It took about a week, but we got the job done, and under budget!

3: :grunts: OH! That's nice...

1. What's the gp cost of a Vorpal Kym Kardashian?
2. How long was it between eating that hundredweight of jute and your first bowel movement?
3. Full steam ahead, Mr. Bosun!

I saw three answers come sailing by.

1) Crom!
2) Pelor!
3) Issus!

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Adventure, Card Game, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

1. Who likes to pass arrogant judgment on all!?!
2. Who likes to render healing and guidance to all!?!
3. What is a genus of 'planthoppers' belonging to the family Issidae of infraorder Fulgoromorpha of suborder Auchenorrhyncha of order Hemiptera!?!

Now I'll answer three so you can cross the bridge:

1) Nympho in a clown car.
2) Faster than a tortoise on depressants.
3) You have to rub it out.

1.) Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s...

2.) You day you can tune up my car and make it run better than ever, but could you describe it in the form of a metaphor that makes no sense?

3.) Well, that’s my nicest pants ruined. Amy ideas about how to save them?

How answer you question?

1.) I’d recommend the “vanilla surprise.”

2.) That’s quite a lot. More than I was expecting. But I can make it work.

3.) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ... Wait, how many? Three? NOOOOOOOO!!!

1 person marked this as a favorite.

1) I've been looking forward to the opening of this enema bar for ages! What's today's special?
2) Yes, sir, we at the enema bar can 'supersize' you for an extra $5. No, sir, that's a fire hydrant. Is that really what you're after?
3) Ventnor, you do know that it's now your job to run the enema bar's combined speed-dating event and M:TG tournament on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays?

The poet and the ploughman
All will play their part
To answer me three questions
Then set fire to their farts.

1) Light a candle under it.
2) A 50 foot cone of birthday cake.
3) If it lands between the cheeks, you win. If not...

1: "Manscaping", eh? I am not unfamiliar. Let's get started.
How would you like me to remove the hair from your scrotum?

2: Well, that's done. Time to go down to Carnival and do it up Brazilian style!


Goodness me! Your [REDACTED] is a shambles! What could have done this much damage (besides me, and I don't remember doing this!)?

3: You must play some interesting games at birthday parties... Did you win or lose?


1: Well, not usually, but "When in Rome..." as they say.

2: Oh, don't worry: this isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Hand me that bottle of castor oil, won't you?

3: Well, I can't say you'll enjoy it, but it will make one hell of a story next time you're down at the bar.

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Adventure, Card Game, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

1. You went through the open gate to the 7th level of Hell, found a goat demon, whose seductive backside resembled what you were familiar with, did you touch it?

2. It liked your [REDACTED], and returned the favor, but then what happened?

3. Then I met you, and you're convincing me to do what again exactly?

Question me these answers three!

1. Dope.
3. Wood.
4.5 Incandescent

1.) What’s the stuff we’re getting again?

2.) What’s the funniest word you can think of?

3.) And you said the man glowed? How?

I answer for what do plans.

1.) No true Scotsman would agree to that!

2.) Well... maybe if you sweetened to deal...

3.) I’ll do it!

2 people marked this as a favorite.

1) Hamish, we couldn't find your sporran, but would hanging this enraged badger from the front of your belt do instead?
2) What if it was wearing a Japanese schoolgirl's outfit?
3) What if it was deep-fried and wearing a Japanese schoolgirl's outfit?

We are the cheeky girls, we are the cheeky girls, you are the question answererers, sucks to be you.

1) Yep. When we get to the other end, we start painting again.
2) I'm not surprised. That's not what Irn Bru's for!
3) If you know a better way of sorting Presbyterians, I should like to hear it!

Sovereign Court

1. So, you manage to replenish the yellow, red and blue after we got chased by those colour blind halflings down to the west of the valley?

2. No wonder we were hired, I did not like the way they went about getting art supplies. It's just shocking isn't it?

3. Arranging people taller than five feet tall in size of girth and telling the others to bugger off is not very good. Wouldn't you agree?

Answers, by gum!

1. I've got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key!

2. Eh, these curly Wurleys have shrunk!

3. Dudley, you daft pickle scropper, they're my new curly Wurley scwurlies!

Pulg wrote:

1) Hamish, we couldn't find your sporran, but would hanging this enraged badger from the front of your belt do instead?

Ventnor wrote:
1.) No true Scotsman would agree to that!

I beg to differ. How do you think the sporran was invented?

1: Man, what do I do about all the puppies in this field?

2: Why hello! It certainly had been a long time! How is your pubic hair?

3: Oh my! Your valet seems to have dropped your merkin!

So many answers... so many answers...

1: It's hard being Batman.

2: If I told you, you'd think I was bragging and call me a liar.

3: Well, nobody has complained yet... Well, actually numerous people have complained, but I usually can't understand what they are saying on account of the gag.

Scarab Sages

1. What shall our priority be this evening, Master Bruce? Fumigating the Batcave, drafting Wayne Enterprises' next quarterly plan, nipping the pederasty rumors in the bud, or catching The Joker before he-*KABOOM!*
2. Is there some reason why the moles on your head precisely match the sun's current pattern of spots?
3. YAAARRR! How be the landlubbin' people of this here fine empire respondin' so far to the new "Universal Mandatory 18th-Century Naval Surgery" healthcare system?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

ᚨ. The Dutch version of Santa Claus.
ᛒ. The Japanese prim-but-sexy gender-swapped version of Ronald McDonald.
ᚲ. The Saudi version of 1981's Heavy Metal.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

ᚨ. Who is -de kerstman- ?
ᛒ. Who is this girl?
ᚲ. Erm, what does معدن ثقيل mean?

So, next poster, here are the answers to your questions.

1) Goth girls in pink outfits.
2) Trump and Putin cuddling in a ferris wheel.
3) GET OVER HERE!! *chain spear toss*

Sovereign Court

1. So tell me, what is the only thing that will make your birthday a good one?

2. It's a complete mess out here! People are going crazy! What did the news team report on?

3. Raiden: "hey Scorpion, Sub-Zero has just vandalised your part of the flat! What are you going to do?"

Here are the answers for the next poster:
1. I'm hoping that the original Skannerz make a triumphant comeback!
2. Now, when I said "Sea Quest", this isn't exactly what I meant.
3. So THAT'S what happens when you mix together a bullfrog and a chihuahua!

1. Sure, in the spirit of retro and old-school tech, scanners are making a comeback.
2. Sure thing sir, one tour of all there is to see in Tokyo. A quest worthy of your eyes.
3. Behold, the frog that is annoying, tiny, and grows hair for you to groom.

Next poster, hereby thine answers:

A) The phattest loot of all.
B) Gnomish geisha barbarians, of course.
C) No, miss Leatherwhips, i don't think -that- is meant to be put -there-.

Scarab Sages

A. EGAD, what's that glowing idol of George Clinton over there!?!
B. What sort of foes can we expect to face in the Tinker's Tea-Hall of Turmoil?
C. Sooo...I am supposed to put the coconut...IN the lime...and then I drink it all up?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

いち. A Yithian wearing a Brooks Brothers suit.
に. An Efreet sporting some serious vajazzling.
さん. A Penanggalen wearing knee-high tube-socks.

Sovereign Court

1. I say, whose the smartly dressed person who keeps body swapping?

2. So I went to this nudist beach and some fiery, bejewelled woman told me that it was girls only. Then she said that she'd let me stay if I sold my soul to her, which I did, but she tricked me! Just what kind of sparkling girl was she?

3. Can you name for me a type of undead creature that has a piece of garment that doesn't affect it in any way?

Here's your answers, next poster!

1. I hunt Kaiju for a living!
2. Sure, splitting hairs is easy! Unless you want a shaved rabbit!
3. You lost your planetary kingdom to a dark wizard and mad scientist how again?!

1) If you're bored with common line of work, seek danger and excitement, -and- you have an addiction to monsters and mecha anime, what's a person got to do to earn their pay?
2) Can i try out my new butcher chopper on rabbit dissection?
3) So i took a gamble on cards, right? I really really want that grand prize of going out with that beautiful daughter of theirs. Sure her dad is a little shady, and i did lose but..... HEY! Are you even paying attention?

Next poster, here are your answers.
1) Kanye west and gay fish!
2) You're Walken on thin ice here.
3) An obese Brad Pitt, World of Warcraft, and Lady Gaga.

1) I went on to get a Kenyan vest and some gefilte fish. What did I actually receive?
2) Can we cross this frozen lake on a Christopher pulled by huskies?
3) What did I manage to save from the smouldering wreckage of 2012?

Sally's in the kitchen and she's baking a duff,
The cheeks of her answers going chuff-chuff-chuff.

1) Toora loora loora!
2) Hey nonny no...
3) Fol de rol de riddley roh?

Scarab Sages

1. So this screenplay you've got here is awesome!!! It's got Egyptian mummies, sexy tiki girls, exciting pirates, Cold War spies, even some tokusatsu s!!@, and it ALL managed to fit together! Just one problem: What EVER are we supposed to title this thing?!?
2. What's the incantation superstitious Irish folk use in hopes of warding off..."the GoatToucher"?
3. What is the Welsh equivalent of the above?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

一. Count Reiner Heydrich in a blaxploitation flick.
二. Vidmaster7 in an instructional bodybuilding video.
三. GoatToucher in the next full-length VeggieTales movie.

1: Who's that guy getting the s!$$ slapped out of him by a bad m#@$#%$#!&+# in a purple suit because he drained a prostitute without paying extra?

2: What the whistling hell is "Beard-er-cize"

3: Put "GoatToucher" and "full-length" together in the -least- disturbing way possible.

You can either question these answers, or you can turn over your liver now:

!: Oh! My back!
@: Remember to lift with the legs.
#: I can crush a full beer can using only the muscles in my colon.

Sovereign Court

1. I say, you there, Malvel and I are constructing the most terrifying creature imaginable (aside from GoatToucher of course)! We just need to attach the final piece (a high pressure water cannon) to what would be the chest cavity. Would you please help us?

2. Well, I tried getting help, but no-one was willing! I guess that means we'll just have to attach the final piece ourselves now doesn't it?

3. So, you're interested in joining our cause are you? Tell me, what special skills do you have?

Answers provided:

1. Don't worry, I've prepared for this! *Gets horribly killed.*

2. Now, I've heard about flying over the cuckoo's nest, but that's just ridiculous!

3. Easy does it now, all we have to do is wait up here in this tree. They'll get bored... Eventually.

2 people marked this as a favorite.

1: Now some say that my prostate exams are a bit... unconventional, but they are undeniably effective. So, if you could just lean forward onto the table?

2: :Batman buzzes Arkham Asylum and flies out over the city in his multi billion dollar bat-themed jet/submarine/space shuttle.:

3: You know, in hindsight, perhaps our "Land Piranha" idea was not the best.

Answer of puppets, pulling your... things?

1: Well that's not how I'd do it, but hey: it's your rectum.

2: Perhaps. But perhaps the real "crimes against nature" were the friends we made along the way.

3: :repeated gagging noises:

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