The answers to your questions are ...

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Scarab Sages

1. Madame Secretary, it's your husband - he's just landed in the Amazon Queendom and isn't sure how to conduct himself. What should he do?
2. What happened to those missing 18.5 minutes of Nixon's tapes?
3. Okay, Muses: We need someone to go back down to earth and convince the Pope to become an atheist. Who's up for the job?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. A flumph wearing a Bvlgari wristwatch.
2. A balrog wearing a fez.
3. A mothman wearing Groucho glasses.

Sovereign Court

1. What's pink and white, fluffy and ticks?

2. Do you know what that strange, fiery creature coming off of that flight from Egypt is?

3. Something with gossamer wings and eyes that are dark as night just showed up! What is it?

Next poster, here are your answers:

1. Excuse me, loud silly braggart, but I was talking to Derek!

2. And yet, I leave in triumph!

3. So please, Derek, RECONSIDER!

1. Why thank you! I -do- look pretty good naked!

2. You made love to my wife, so I had your arms and legs broken, one of your eyes put out, and a slow-dissolving capsule filled with flesh eating beetles inserted into a private area. You are ruined, I say! RUINED!

3. Look, if Derek isn't going to put his pants on, I'm not either!


1. Well, that's one way to do it. Remember to lift with the legs!

2. Argh! I think I pulled a hammie!

3. Now -that's- what I call "After Dinner Entertainment"!


1. Do you pick up women by physically lifting them off the ground?
2. What do you say when you pick up Porky Pig?
3. Do you want to go tip over some cows?


1. There and Back Again
2. The Fellowship
3. Farmer Giles

Scarab Sages

1. I've been there, man. Don't you f##$ with me - I'VE BEEN THERE, MAN! HAVE YOU BEEN THERE!?!
2. What's the Quaker mafia called?
3. We need a nice, comforting, down-home sort of name for our horribly Evil big insurance corporation. Any ideas?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. Rovagug ate it.
2. Cayden Cailean drank it.
3. Why not Groetus?

1. All right, clown, where is your homework?
2. Has anyone seen my foot fungal salve?
3. Okay, Shelyn, Desna, Abadar, Irori and Asmodeus said no a month ago. The rest of the pantheon have since been clear on not being our keynote speaker on GoatToucher's genital disease conference. Even Urgathoa, Zon-Kuthon and Lamashtu, if you can believe it. We even got a letter I think must be from Aroden's top functionaries. So, who can we ask?

Aaaand answers:
1. That's what paladins do.
2. I thought you knew him!
3. Well, not to worry, I am sure something will turn up before the party.

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

1. Who cleans up the messes other people make in bathrooms?
2. Who's funeral are we at again?
3. Zombie 1. "I just realized I forgot to tell the caterers to bring the brain sandwiches. What am I going to do?"

1. Elementary
2. The Game is Afoot
3. The Speckled Band

1) If I walk out of the Grumbar, down der Straasha, Kossuth the road to get to the other side and throw my empty beer into a Yan C Bin, what educational establishment would I be travelling to?
2) *sigh* Can I try explaining football to you one more time?
3) So we have succeeded in giving One Direction chicken pox?!

Answer me!

1) ...Watson, apply them!
2) She was the woman
3) It's baritsu time!

1: Holmes! How the devil do you want me to cure your gout with all these South American leeches?
2: That hairy fellow over there said he didn't know where to find a woman in charge of sensual massage.
3: What did that orange, rock-encrusted fellow in the Derby yell before he attacked the clockwork monstrosity rampaging over Hyde Park?

Answers. Question them:

1: I'm alright, I guess.
2: The pointy end goes -that- way.
3: He's our last, best chance to beat back the Hun!

Scarab Sages

1. How are you at committing crimes against nature?
2. Any advice for having sex with gnomes?
3. For the love of God, why would you unleash a belligerent dinner roll on the world?!?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. Bert, Ernie, and Daria.
2. A lamassu debating a shedu.
3. An undead language.

Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

1. Who will be the last three survivors when the aliens from Omicron Persei 8 invade Earth?
2. What is the most civil discussion have you ever listened to?
3. What language are zombies actually speaking when they're saying "Braaiiinsss"?

Dearest poster,
The answers to your questions are:

1. A gallon of chocolate milk, a generation 1 Optimus Prime still in its original package, 2 tickets to a matinee showing of Hollywood's latest rom-com, and a sawzall.
2. December 31st, 2999
3. A 1969 Dodge Charger

1: What will I need to seduce that engineer?
2: When will series four of Sherlock premier?
3: Tell me about your new barbarian. Hit Points? Build summary?


1: More clams! MORE CLAMS!
2: I wouldn't touch that unless I wanted to end up marrying the chief's daughter.
3: There's nothing wrong with this problem that could not be solved with the application of more knife.

How do I satisfy this pesky bondage fetish?
What does this Paddle of a wolf and a rabbit smoking a pipe mean?
Why hasn't the life of the wife ended with the knife?


1. Just a little bit, like... a VERY little bit. Practically nothing.
2. When you stop whining and start BEING A MOTHER F*ING SORCERER!
3. Only if you use a major hex.

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Your questions are:

1 - How much soul does GoatToucher have left?
2 - How do I get rid of this unwanted magic problem I have?
3 - Is there any way I'm Hiding in Your Closet can get a date with Amiri?
Your answers are:

1 - A lawyer.
2 - A Doctor.
3 - A Priest.


1- What is the lowest form of life in the Inner Seas?
2- What is more useless than a halfling worshipper of Gorum?
3- What do you get when you strip a paladin of their armor and weapons?

The answers:

1- It takes no less than 3 of them.
2- Only if you use urine as a base.
3- It aides with sleeping, but in large doses results in pain and death.

Sovereign Court

1. So how many tanks of helium would it take to float a bunch of balloons to the moon (with my customized space capsule attached, of course)?

2. Is there any way to convert said helium to a liquid fuel state without resorting to the energy cost to cool it down?

3. Well, that actually sounds rather disgusting, but out of curiosity are there any advantages or potential hazards with employing your method?

Dear next poster, here are the answers to your questions.

1. A ... definitely a ... unless it is b ... but I am fairly certain it is a.

2. No, you cannot borrow my liver!

3. A dry cough, forced breathing, a unexplainable craving for two week old salmon, runny nose, partial blindness, hair growth in unexpected places, incontinence, incompetence, lethargy, ennui ... oh yes, and total system failure typically followed by death.

Questions for Box
1: :raises hand: I'm confused, Mr. Box: How are testicles used in reproduction?
2: We can be headquartered wherever you want. We have access to a small keep, a secluded grove, or a bustling tavern. Will you join us?
3: What are your thoughts on buggery?

Questions for Z
1: A: Cake or B: Death?
2: I'm so angry about this, but I can't produce enough bile to express the intensity of my anger... :eyes Z hopefully:
3: So. What did you think of my award-winning casserole?

Answer, human-animal.

1: The Lion, the Witch, and... something.
2: A Long Day's Journey into Peoria.
3: The Sound and The Furries.


1- How would you describe GoatToucher's parentage?
2- What is the best book to read while in an Iron Maiden?
3- How can you tell when it is time to leave an orgy?


1: Just a dash of pico de gallo
2: I will do it after Property Brothers!
3: I don't know, and I don't care.

1: What's the final ingredient in the Elixir of Immortality?
2: You want to reclaim you man-card or what?
3: Um... What's this dead yak doing on the coffee table, and what happened to the couch?


1: What fools these mortals be.
2: Our revels now are ended.
3: Never has there been a tale of more woe...


1: What is the best way to describe a Paizo messageboard?
2: What are the verbal components for the spell: Slay Living?
3: How would you describe my marriage?


1)Only if you want me to take both of your kneecaps and that wheel of cheese!
2)Sir Francis Bacon, but not the author. The other one.
3)Two witches of varying power and a Qadira paladin with your choice of condiment.

Sovereign Court

Questions ...

1. So I bought an all dairy constructed and all dairy powered car ... but it ran out of milk ... can I borrow your cow for the next few days?

2. Who was it that created the first BLT?

3. What is it that gives this PLT such a spicy and yet sweet flavor?

Answers ...

A. The heebie-jeebies neither heeb nor jeeb.

B. That was perhaps the worst thing you could have said to your spouse ... doesn't make it any less true though.

C. Do you seriously expect me to answer that? With a straight face? Get the hell out of here!


1) Why are you NEVER intimidated by the inquisitor's stern gaze?
2) Why does my wife always leave the room when I say her family would starve a mindflayer to death in a minute?
3) Do you think the tentacles Zylphryx sports carry on... you know... downstairs?


1) It is the second bloodline power.
2) Power attack have NEVER been a viable option for that build.
3) It's just a jump to the left and then a step to the right.

1: Why do Orcish Sorcerers have so much... down there... in the pants?
2: What do you think of the feat choices for my Transmuter?
3: How do I open the needlessly complicated lock on this crypt door?


1: Next time I'll be sure to wear cologne.
2: Not for a long time.
3: I have never been more embarrassed in all my life... or more aroused.


1: Do you think the nymphs were put off by my new jock strap?
2: When will the next episode of Firefly air?
3: What do you think of that new porno your mom was in?


1) If you sack up and take the hit like you are supposed to it would all work out fine.
3) You REALLY shouldn't touch that.


1)The plans not working! What do we do now?
2)Why should I not split the party?
3)I found GT's secret stash of supplies. What should I do with it?


1)Turn left at the end of your mind.
2)If you still have sanity then the plan is not working.
3)We need a new plan.

Scarab Sages

1. Can you direct me to Utopia?
2. Have we managed to force-feed Cthulhu to death yet?
3. Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I'm dead-set to be President of the United States so I can oversee 8 more years of the same gloriously unjust, unsustainable, and self-deceiving society we've lived in for 35 years now, all exactly as planned! Isn't that exciting?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. Wockapedia.
2. Sorry, but that is just about the least tax-deductible thing I can imagine.
3. Of course Ms. Frizzle would say that!


1- Where does Fozzy get his jokes?
2- Do you think the IRS considers GTs goats a write off?
3- Did you know that b#!%$ asked me if I was ready to pass the 4th grade?

1- Over the river and through the woods
2- In you are talking then you can breath!
3- The harrow deck came up with the Marriage and the Calamity...

1)Where can I find some wood?
2)Can you demonstrate grammer?
3)What does the deck say about GT and IHIYC?

1)if you can hear the screams then you are not in space.
2)Repeat after me: its all worth it in the end.
3)if the paladin hears you asking that then we are in a load of trouble.

1) Do you think this hell dimension is part of the astral sea?
2) Why exactly are we cutting off our toes for Zon-Kuthon?
3) How many ears do we have to cut off this guy before he tells us what we want to hear?

1) Only is you promise NEVER to help me again.
2) 2nd star to the right and straight on til morning.
3) I heard she does a little of the bump and gristle with old man Salazar, but it is just a rumor.

1: What do you mean "They're not Space-Buggerers."? I heard them going to work on the Ulfen Death Squad for about five hours last night.
2: I've hidden my stash of sharp and pointy gems in Pvt. Tiny's colon and need to retrieve them, but I didn't bring any elbow length gloves and this is a new shirt!
3: Have you seen my Codpiece of Variable Violation?

1: Well, it isn't Rary's "Mnemonic" Enhancer, if you know what I mean.
2: One step closer and I swear to Those That Dwell Below that I will drop the bass!
3: Trust me: it doesn't taste any better than it looks.

Questions for the Box:

1: I see you got the cakes I sent to help with your party. I hope the horse laxatives made for interesting after-dinner conversation. Would it be possible for you to help me with entertainment at a party tomorrow night?
2: Man, I shouldn't have had that second slice of cake. Can you direct me to the privy?
3: What's your mom up to these days?

1: Well, it isn't Rary's "Mnemonic" Enhancer, if you know what I mean.
2: One step closer and I swear to Those That Dwell Below that I will drop the bass!
3: Trust me: it doesn't taste any better than it looks.


1) What is the best Transmutation spell?
2) Are you threatening my son's nethers with that fish?
3) Would you like to try this cheese cultivated from the yeast infections of the Spice Girls?


1- 42
2- Next Thursday at 9AM
3- Sylvester Stallone

Scarab Sages

1. How many licks from a cosmic green energy-cat does it take to get to the center of a black hole?
2. When can we expect Freakazoid! to come back on the air?
3. Which celebrity do you introduce a person with a chronic lisp to in order to make them cry?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. Je suis Curly!
2. Funny, you don't look Jewish.
3. Weird Al Yankovic, Michael Moore, Ms. Frizzle, and Bobbin Threadbare.

1) Vous avez poked me in les yeux, slapped mon visage et tweaked mes eyebrows. Vous etes qui?
2) Have you anything to say to the the Gravity-Defying Yarmulkeh Brothers, the Daring Young Lubavitchers on the Flying Trapeze?
3) What is the Gravity-Defying Yarmulkeh Brothers' auto-cannibalistic support act?

And heeere are your answers

1) What are you putting in the old man's tea?
2) Is it really ten inches?
3) Keep it in the fridge or it'll turn blue and start stinking.

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Your question are:

1. I swear officer, I only gave him his normal afternoon tea and he keeled over. How can it be murder?
2. What did Pulg say when he got his new Barbie Doll?
3. What should I do with this head of goat cheese?

Your answers are:

1. Give me a second.
2. It will only take a minute.
3. Can you come back in an hour?

1: There, we've hammered one tournament standard sized bowling ball into your colon. It was a lot of work, but a group effort saw us through. What would you like to do next?

2: A second... The first one nearly did you in! The best case scenario for a second ball is a slow, agonizing death!

3: No. I won't be party to your suicide. I'll just leave you here with the second ball, a jar of lubricant jelly, a shoehorn, and some romantic music. Is there anything else I can do for you?


1: Slow down there, slugger! I didn't ask for the whole thing!

2: Miss Willoughby, it would be an honor.

3: I'm not quite sure, but I'll tell you this much: I started the evening with all ten toes.

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Your questions are:
1. Here is your semi load of baseballs. Where do you want them?
2. What did the suitor say when Miss Willoughby ask him to stay the night?
3. Why do you have a bloody meat cleaver in your hand?

Your answers are:
1. Wooden Spoon.
2. Butter Knife.
3. Crab Fork.

1. Which utensil is best for a mild flogging?

2. Which utensil is to be used when attempting to ineffectively threaten someone?

3. Which utensil is best for cruel and unusual punishment?

The answers:

1. Undead Elvis has finally enacted his plan for world domination.

2. All of the Aroden conspiracy theorists finally got hold of an infinite wish engine.

3. Don't worry, the tentacles will recede eventually. I think.

1: I just got a letter on parchment made from human skin, saying only "Thank you. Thank you very much. - U.E." What's with that?

2: Why does James Jacobs keep repeating "No." over and over again?

3: Thank you for lunch, Mr. Octopus, I am positively stuffed, but I have an appointment to keep at two o'clock...


1: Not even in your wildest dreams.

2: Not even in -my- wildest dreams.

3: I should certainly hope so, but that many bottles of orphans' tears costs a pretty penny.

Scarab Sages

1. Hi, I'm Lincoln Chafee, and I'm running for President of the United States! What do you think of my chances?
2. Does Baphomet "put out?"
3. Hi, I'm Donald Trump, and I'm running for President of the United States! You telling me that that loser there was cleansed of all his sins just by dropping an orphan's tear on his tongue? Think that'll work for me, too?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. The Zoroastrian community would disagree.
2. Gee, Sonic's never done that before.
3. I found it buried in the walls....

1: Man, this sedan by Ahura-Mazda is a lemon.
2: You guys? Tails is hiding under the table muttering "Please stop, 'ol buddy..." over and over again. It looks like he was beat up pretty bad.
3: Mmm! Smells good. What's this... the "Necronomicook Book"? Did you get this off Amazon?


1: Now you're messin' with a... SONUVVAB@*$%!
2: At first I thought the singing was going to drive me crazy, but I;ve learned to like it.
3: Theirs no such thing as "too much rump ointment".

1. What is Underdog's second most favorite saying?
2. What do you thing of the Underdog, Droopy Dog, Tom Cat and Mighty Mouse barbershop quartet?
3. What is GoatToucher's favorite saying?

1. The old man down the road.
2. Uncle Albert.
3. Uncle Joe.

1. Who's that Martin Bormann people keep going on about?
2. I can't afford a Prince Albert, unfortunately. What can I get for £2.50?
3. Who's the Georgian Dictator who likes venomous potatoes?

Damn right.


1) So that's what 'Bibbity Bobbity Boo' means in Abyssal.
2) Everybody else at GoatToucher and Bo Peep's wedding felt the same.
3) You can try duck eggs, but they won't stay put.

1: Fun fact: Cinderella's clothes were possessed of a demonic sentience that compelled the prince to love her. The so-called "fairy godmother" was, in fact, summoning forth aid from the nether-realms in compliance with a blood pact with Cinderella's parents.
2: Though he tried to hide it, the priest had an inexorable feeling of foreboding about what lay ahead in the dark night to come.
3: How the devil do I defeat this Ovokinetic poltergeist?

1: Half a pound of tupenny rice, half a pound of treacle.
2: Now -that's- what I call a Great Old One!
3: The most glorious underpants the world has ever seen.

Sovereign Court

1. Hey, I've got an itchy wart on my... NEVER MIND! What can I use to make the sensation go away?

2. What do you say, when Cthulhu tells a joke?

3. Excuse me, your majesty, but what is that you wrapped around your head?

Next poster, here are your answers.

1. Actually, you do have that one secret.

2. You're right, Odette, I'll destroy them right away!

3. I was careless, foolish and selfish!

4. I have only this to say: numb - skull!

5. You're going to make it all the way to the bottom with that 'old man' stuff!

6. Because that's what we husbands do: we hunt, we fish, we watch sporting events and we APOLOGISE!

7. (In a sarcastic tone) You should right a a book: 'How to offend women in five syllables or less'!

1. No sir alcoholic, i've already donated everything to the humanitary institution, i've got nothing left. Are we done?

2. Ok, lemme see my script, ah, ok.
My name is Odette, i declare these four granted mercy on account of returning the stolen foods. Still, the dealings of future security i leave with you, how does that sound?

3. How could you do that? I said lose the prostitute, not loose her by untying her bonds so she can kick you in the privates.

4. What do you call a dumb skeletal lich?

*is not in the mood for more.....*

A) That is the best and most convenient kind of cursed item, villains can 'leave behind' for adventurers to find.

B) Succubi who Don't grapple.

C) The Korean spammers will rue the day they started, if you can pull that off.

A.) If you don't mind my asking my lord, why did you buy all those rust monster eggs?

B.) All I have is a few wrinkled baseball cards, a stick of gum, and a couple balls of lint. What kind of fiend do you think will accept that as payment?

C.) So what if we just all left the internet for a day or so?

Dear poster,
You will find the answer to your next three questions below:

1.) I'd say no, but then again I've never tried using a pipe wrench that way before.

2.) No time to lose! Do it now!

3.) Well, you just made Jesus and Buddha cry. I hope you're happy with yourself.

1: Now you might feel a -slight- pressure...

2: You want me to rub this bottle of Sriracha -where-?

3: So, what did you think of my one man, all nude revue titled "On the Nature of Man"?

Answers for the for questions three:

1: I felt a slight pinch at first, but now its fine. I can't move my legs, though.

2: All I can say for sure is that I'm no longer welcome at any Trump fundraisers.

3: It was the most delicious thing I ever tasted, though I could have done without the feathers.

Scarab Sages

1. So how's 'centipede therapy' working out for you?
2. Congratulations on your Nobel Prize. You truly deserve it. Your works have enriched the world, and you have proved beyond any doubt that you are on of the best and the brightest this world has ever seen. What do you think your future holds?
3. WOW, you've had actual dinosaur?!? What was it like?

Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:

1. This can only mean one thing: George Carlin's found a way back!
2. Gee, Luigi's never done that before.
3. Thank you, Elizabeth! But the money is in another bank!!!

1: So here are the details, detective: over the past three nights, the principle cast of Friends have been found dead, each with one of the seven words you can't say on television carved into their backs (except for S###, which you can hear on basic cable after 8 PM anyway). I just don't understand it.

2: Wow, what a race! This year's Mushroom Cup was fantasti... wait. Is that plumber in green -teabagging- the one in red? How do you even do that through overalls?

3: I don't know what kind of business you're running here, but I had to step on a bunch of turtles and mushrooms just to get in! Can you please just cash my check?


1: That's not the kind of dressing I like on -my- salads.
2: He was the heir of a powerful family. You won't make it out of the Wisconsin state fair alive!
3: How about a knuckle sandwich... HOLD THE BREAD!?! :shredding guitar riff:

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