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1. Oh, is this your wife? Pleasure to finally meet you....*extends hand*
2. Somehow, while we were wasting our time in the Middle East, Japan's been re-militarizing like crazy - and now it's hopeless. They WILL conquer the world, and there's nothing we can do.
3. Good gods, you've got five broken ribs, and you're covered in electrical burns and tabbouleh! What happened to you???
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. It's called the Major Tom Maneuver.
2. Paizo considered making a Cavalier Archetype out of it, but then they decided it would be a bad idea.
3. COOKIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!
1. Wow. I didn't think your routine was going to pan out, but you really made the grade!
2. So how is your homebrew "animal husband" class coming along?
3. Now, Mr. Monster, you've made a lot of progress in conquering your compulsive eating disorder. Today we'll perform a test to assess your ability to control yourself in the presence of your trigger food. Now, I want you to start your breathing exercises... that's good. Find your center... Excellent. Now, let's begin. :lifts lid off platter:
Next poster: Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe:
1. With my wife? But that sounds so... -wrong-!
2. Well, that was more uncomfortable than I expected.
3. Jumbo kosher dill pickle.
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Questions:
1. Have you been to a fauns den with your beloved yet?
2. And what was it like to sit on an animated pin cushion?
3. What kind of gerkin would a herb obsessed rabbi who likes things big go for?
Answers:
1. Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday!
2. Sling your hook mate.
3. I don't get up with the sun, I get up on the sun.
1. Wow. That was amazing. What do you call the wedgie technique you performed on that guy? You had him up there for a while.
2. Dr. Pirate, I pulled a muscle in my shoulder. What should I do to take care of it?
3. What do you do now that you're dead and in heaven, James Brown?
Answers for your entertainment and delight:
1. Do what you want with the girl, just leave -me- alone!
2. NOT MY ANUS!!!
3. I really should have stretched before I started.
1. :strokes pet iguana: So, Mr. Terrible-James-Bond, are you and your winsome friend ready to talk?
2. :mad scientist, wringing hands with malign glee: I have you in my clutches, Overreaction Man! Tell me, :turns nobs, pulls levers: do you have a favorite body part?
3. You tried to skydive without a parachute over the Florida Everglades, breaking every bone in your body and losing a leg to an alligator. What do you have to say for yourself?
Attendez, s'il vous plait:
1. About seven. Maybe eight in a pinch.
2. Well, yeah, but not for a couple of days.
3. I had that happen once. Stung like the dickens!
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Questions:
1. Just how many monster girls do you have to pose as your wife when your parents visit?
2. Are you ever going to be exciting once in your life?
3. Has anyone else been spanked on the butt by a nettle monster?
Answers:
1. It's cool in the shade.
2. It wasn't me, it was the tree!
3. Oh sir, I saw it! An angry member of the kitchen staff, did you not tip them?
1. What are you doing behind the outhouse?
2. Who has been throwing acorns at your brother's face?
3. Did anybody see the rascal that poured a tureen of vichyssoise over my head!?!
Consider:
1. Clearly the Prime Minister was involved somehow.
2. That's none of your business, and I'll thank you not to ask again!
3. Sweet creamery butter!
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1. What would have made them pick Cameron Hodge as the bad guy for the new X-Men movie?
2. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
3. Choose your weapon, good sir.
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Because the King James Bible is just about the crummiest edition of it out there.
2. Swank happens.
3. Ms. Frizzle, in The Twilight Zone, with the starship Heart of Gold.
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1. Why are you wiping your nose on John 3:16?
2. Do you have anything to say about the appearance of a new badass clown *like me*?
3. If we were to create a clue game variant based on pop culture references, what would by your character/room/weapon combo?
Dear next poster,
The answers to your questions are as follows:
1) Jennifer Lopez singing taco flavored kisses in arabic
2) Atheism is so 2000-and-late while agnosticism is relatively 2000-and-great
3) I didn't eat all my food because I SAID I HAVE A STOMACH ACHE
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1. What's another likely indicator we'll receive when South Park jumps the shark?
2. In order to declare "there is no god," you're kind of required to acknowledge the concept of "god" - so what would that imply?
3. We're not monsters, dammit! You were supposed to KILL the prisoner, not leave her on the floor hideously maimed but still alive! What do you have to say for yourself???
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. An inebriated protocol droid.
2. You are a child of the universe. You have a right to be here.
3. They call him "The Man of Stele."
1. Who is this "Beer-3PO"?
2. Why am I at the Central Midwest Regional Pipe Fitters' Convention?
3. Did you hear about the Greek headstone carver?
Answers
1. Well, yeah. Of course.
2. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
3. Not without John Stamos, I haven't!
1. So it says here you've ransacked, plundered and pillaged a major city. Really man, are you proud of yourself now?
2. What was the fatality combination again for that gruesome finish?
3. This last supper, haven't you done this gig before?
Dear next in line, the answers to your questions are:
1) Liranys did it, nobody else could have.
2) The parlement just agreed to that proposition, though big industrials won't be too hapy.
3) Urgaoth was just here a minute ago, you just missed her.
1. So it says here you've ransacked, plundered and pillaged a major city. Really man, are you proud of yourself now?
2. What was the fatality combination again for that gruesome finish?
3. This last supper, haven't you done this gig before?
Dear next in line, the answers to your questions are:
1) Liranys did it, nobody else could have.
2) The parlement just agreed to that proposition, though big industrials won't be too hapy.
3) Urgaoth was just here a minute ago, you just missed her.
1) Who took the Cookie from the cookie jar?
2) Did someone decide to replace all the ketchup with real blood?3) Have you seen my cow?
Answers for next poster:
1)It wasn't supposed to be purple
2)My grandmother used to eat pineapple a lot
3)It's a really long story, but suffice it to say there were bananas, cowboy hats and enchiladas involved.
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1. So. You're the McDonald's marketing genius who came up with Grimace. I don't suppose you have any regrets?
2. What a silly superpower - how'd you get it?
3. Where did the Hostess Twinkie mascot come from?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Chocolate toothpaste.
2. God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
3. The George Carlin Memorial Lavatory in Honduras.
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1. What's the most appropriate punishment for giving lame questions to these answers?
2. What on Earth would make you think there were Bronies in Ancient Greece?!?
3. We've all heard about Action Comics #1 - so what's left for Action Comics #2 to be about?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Toothpaste scion-turned-mad genius scientist Stirling Colgate.
2. You CAN say that on television - but NOT on the Internet.
3. Timothy McVeigh would have done a better job at that, you know.
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1. Who opened the first school for dentists?
2. Why is that word $#@! out on the forum?
3. Would you help me remove this fertilizer from my lawn?
Next Poser.
1. Three watermelons, an ax and some dead guy named Gallagher.
2. They thought it was a cat, but it was really a baby hippo.
3. I walked into a door, tripped over a cat and fell face first into a birthday cake.
1. Gallagher is still alive. What would you have left over after you murder him?
2. What did you have for dinner last night?
3. Why, hello, Jack Tripper from 1970's & 80's sitcom "Three's Company"! How was your day?
Answers
1. Needs more cinnamon.
2. Oh my god. Not AGAIN!
3. Jumbo kosher dill pickle.
1. So sir GoatToucher, was the fried goat steak with the goat-cheese side salad to your liking?
2. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the following news: a new boy music talent has been discovered, he is said to be the 2nd justin Bieber.
3. Well, it seems we've served all dishes tonight...what else can we serve the vip?
To the next button-masher:
1. They found him folded up in a dumpster among the greasy remains of a variety of junkfood and he was carrying his debut cd.
2. If you can invent something for it, you're sure to be rich.
3. Pirate metal music is the lastest thing.
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1. So back in the 80's, what ever happened to Vanilla Ice?
2. Why is that xkcd put out a perfect comic today to give an answer to a thread that got closed yesterday?
3. Should I even ask why you are dressed that way or who the Keelhauled Lubbers are?
Dear next poster, the completely accurate and irrefutable answers to your next three questions are:
1. Yes ... well, no ... I guess it could be ... oh just forget it, it's probably not worth it in the long run.
2. If you really want to, then sure, but just remember there are probably unforeseen repercussions.
3. NO! FORTHELOVEOFALLTHATISHOLYANDGOOD Unless it's Friday, in which case all bets are off.
1. Should we buy that manikin?]
2. Should I cut your head off now?
3. Do you want a cookie?
Dear next poster, the completely accurate and irrefutable answers to your next three questions are:
1. There are three in the attic.
2. Pink. They should always be pink.
3. Well, first I lost my belt pouch in that tavern, then I got lost in the alley, then I found the dead hooker and then I screamed.
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1) so we found the eight bodies you stashed in your crawlspace, the six others buried in your rose garden, the two you somehow managed to stuff inside the doors of your Buick ... are there any that we missed?
2) If I were to buy a tuxedo, what color should it be?
3) Did you have a fun birthday?
Dear next poster, please accept these answers to your next three questions:
1. Orangutans are just soooo much cooler.
2. Why yes I did get a permit for that.
3. Hoping is a futile effort in this case.
Your Questions are:
1. Why do you have a primate as a pet?
2. Are you allowed to kill people?
3. Am I going to get a Ray Gun for Christmas?
Your Answers are:
1) The Fiend made me do it.
2) There was only one left, and the Fiend got it.
3) Jellyfish.
1. Why did you buy a pair of Crocs, for Pete's sake?
2. I thought I might take Thelma Lou down to Mount Pilot and murder a few hobos near the train tracks.
3. And now, for the win: name something delicious and venomous!
Answers
1. Wow. That was more creative than I anticipated.
2. I'll tell you one thing: I won't be ordering the crab cakes again.
3. A variety of fruits and vegetables.
1. Did you know you can make a sword with nothing but marshmallows, pliers and a pair of metal tongs?
2. Why were you sick? Are you pregnant?
3. What do I have in my pocket?
Next poster's answers:
1. What can I say? I have a few skeletons in my drawers.
2. Pinocchio has nothing on me.
3. Three. They should always have three. Never 2, never 4, but three.
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1. I have a steering wheel in my pants, and it's driving me nuts! How about you?
2. Our informant insists he saw you do it, and his nose. Didn't. Grow. An. Inch. What could you possibly say in your defense?
3. How many Stooges would you suggest?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. Until the day the sky is opened, and the tree is split asunder.
2. Bring me more red pages!
3. I do. Initiate Self-Destruct Sequence, Code 001.
1. How long do you intend to wear that pink one-piece?
2. How do we publish our yearly financial report?
3. Do you know what the manual recommends for Windows 10 if someone tries to install Ubuntu?
Dear following poster.
The answers to your questions are as follows:
1. No, actually... GRAAAAAAGH!!!
2. You couldn't possibly prove that. Seriously, there are laws against it. Natural laws!
3. <whistle> <beep> <thumpthumpthump> No. A gift is given despite procedure. <boing> <crackle>
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1. I don't understand what's going on - the Empyreagem was here last night, nobody's entered or left this fortress since then, and EVERYONE has an alibi, except...wait. Have you seen Gragh around?
2. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it, does it make a sound?
3. <clickclickclickclick> Look, this one <buzzzzzz> is still new to the <bleep> Cybercapitalist Imperium! Is this display of <sweep> *altruism* really a registered and authentic part of this Job Review <creep>?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. I shed no tears for Kyrandia, but cannot deny you yours.
2. You only lack 2 more starfish!
3. You're here to make DOILIES!
1. I would shed a tear having knowledge of it if i could, so why are your eyes dry?
2. I've got everything ready on this sushi banquet, blowfish, eel, salmon, shark....something's missing, but what?
3. I came here thinking i'd be signing autographs...then what the hell did you bring me here for if not that?
Good poster, your answers are:
1. Ellen Ripley just pawned our asses.
2. Because you do so in a yellow submarine
3. What are those little blue things with white hats and pants called again?
1. How the hell did we lose the Too-Small Underwear 1979 competition?
2. I'm a Beatles fan, not an Ichthyologist! Why would I want to observe banana fish?
3. Why do you have all those bites on your feet and ankles, and... holy S**T!!! Are you missing a toe!?!
Answers
1. To the left, to the left.
2. I'll teach you the Electric Sliiiiide!
3. The doctor gave me a topical cream, but it still itches like crazy!
1. Which way? WHICH WAY DO I TURN!!??
2. If you can't teach me how to waltz and you can't teach me how to tango and you can't even teach me the lambada, what kind of dance instructor are you?
3. Doesn't that big purple rash all over your ass hurt?
Answers:
1. Yes. I saw it. It was big, had blue eyes, was wearing yellow pajamas and had appeal.
3. No, I couldn't do that. It wouldn't hurt enough.
4. We were walking down the street when we heard something behind us. So we spun around really fast and Saw IT!
1. Did you see the sleepwalking banana-demon?
2. So... you're going to sit on my cactus?
3. Who told you that they all float down here?
Answers
1. Not if you don't want to drown, you won't!
2. Not human. Something... else. Something... MORE.
3. What was I supposed to do? I turned my head and coughed.
1. Can I go swimming with the swamp monster?
2. So, you're human, right?
3. What were you thinking? Why did you do that? I know they smell bad but didn't you know that would offend them?
Answers:
1. Second starfish to the left and straight on until mooring.
2. Twelve is not a good number. I prefer the baker's dozen.
3. Come on baby ring my bell!
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1. Wow. There are a lot of anuses (... ani? Anuses.) strewn around this intersection. Like: a -lot-.
Anyway, can you tell me how to get to the library?
2. You have described yourself as the "Jesus Christ of Modern Electric Polka-core" If that is so, who are your twelve apostles?
3. What did the disco-cow say to the medallion-wearing bull in Cuban heels?
Answers:
1. A tender, flaky crust.
2. Just a little off the top, please.
3. Why Dr. Haversheim, you -rascal-!
1. So aside from the filling, what makes a good eggroll?
2. I think you're imagining you've got hair, so what do you want in this barbershop?
3. This Dr. was groping women on the public train, he claims you're his guardian, is that true?
Dear poster:
1. Imagine using duct tape, you'll know the feeling.
2. They never saw that coming.
3. Martha Steward hiding in the cupboard.
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1. I tried writing birthday invitations with chalk on scotch tape and it felt useless. Any other suggestions?
2. The bard started to sing a song of plenty to which the crowd cheered! The song conjured up a giant cow which plopped on the bard suffocating him to death.
3. I once had a dream that my entire family was flayed alive in their sleep. I went to find the killer in the kitchen you'll never guess what I found!
Next Poster Dude/tte:
1. That's what it said!
2. That's not something she should say to a baker!
3. That truly is free foam with a catch!
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1. So one guy says to another guy, "i ran into this otyugh, i feared for my life. I suddenly heard, i love you"...where'd it come from?
2. Hey there baker, could you put a bun in my oven?
3. I tell ya, when i brough the fish in there's this blue goo along with it, what is it?
Good poster, hereby the answers.
1.) Sissyl's birthday, you should know that by now.
2.) One does not simply walk into Mordor
3.) The day jesters & dinosaurs share a closet.
1. What are we all wearing these Cthulhoid party hats for?
2. I'm trying to break these doors down at a leisurely pace. Why isn't it working?
3. When will my James Jacobs/IHIYC ship come to pass?
Answers:
1. A little to the left... THAT'S it...
2. Womp-WOMP!
3. On account of the fish crackers.
1. Where did that wandering mole on your face get to now?
2. What does a helicopter sound like when it's cutting off someone's head?
3. Why did you get a goldfish bow filled with salt water?
Answers:
1. Parcheesi is my game of choice.
2. And you thought the terrible twos were bad!
3. Morgan Freeman, Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom and Tom Hiddelston
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1. So, it all comes down to this: You and I and this table, and the fate of all Creation at stake. What shall we play?
2. My house has been taken over by the Three Stooges! What do I do?!?
3. Turning the Book of Revelations into a big-screen movie would actually be an awesome idea - so who should we cast as the Four Horsemen?
Dear following poster,
The answers to your next three questions are as follows:
1. That's not what "freedom" means, though.
2. Koshchei, Prince of Pluto.
3. They were listed in the files as Fortuna, Jungen, Cabal, Verdry, and Dyce.
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1. Did you know that, in America, you have the God-given right to get me a sammich?
2. What's the title of your latest Russian folk-tale based scifi fan-fiction?
3. So, who is playing on your Hyperborean volleyball team?
Answers:
1. Not as unpleasant as you'd think.
2. Oh, yes: MUCH worse.
3. Off, then, to the Barbary Coast!
1. Wow. There certainly is a lot of meat in this cauldron! You and your coven must be putting together a nice burgoo. Hopefully one of them brings a few potatoes or onions or something to add to the flavor.
:ladles out a spoonful, tastes it: Mmm... Not bad.
Is this... is there somebody's -ring- in here?
2. Mr. Mario, you have suffered tremendous trauma to the bottoms of your feet. What have you been stepping on?
3. You also noted some discoloration to your genitals, Mr. Mario. What seems to be the trouble?
Answers
1. A little lemon oil will take that right out.
2. Delicious goo!
3. You see, I have a particular set of skills...
1. I got blinker fluid on my dress! Now what do I do?
2. What does peanut butter, dry milk and honey make?
3. We don't know who you are. You don't know what we want. You don't have money. So what do you have?
Answer:
1. Stinky stinky cheese and pickles
2. There's no one here by that name.
3. Yes. You have 30 seconds before that happens.
1. What are you eating for lunch?
2. Who was that big brawny fella with the plaid shirt and ax talking to a moment ago?
3. If I were to say that we needed more victims for our experiments, who would you go looking for?
Answers:
1. Taco Trucks that serve nothing but desserts.
2. Engineers with too much free time.
3. A machine that brushes your hair, teeth and does your nails while you wake up in the morning.
1. Alright, so what's your latest get rich quick scheme?
2. O, mighty Oracle, what will bring about the destruction of life as we know it?
3. So, you say the professor was injured by one of his own inventions gone hilariously awry. What did the job this time?
Answers
1. I used to think that there was no such thing as "too much calamari".
2. I wish that I had packed my special ointment.
3. Laser-beam eyeballs.