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Insecurity:
** spoiler omitted **
As someone who turns 29 in a handful of months who's never been in a relationship his whole life let me just say this to start: it doesn't matter, despite what society tells you, whether you have sex or not. It isn't a necessity.
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*offers hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs one*
Definitely need one. One of my dogs died yesterday after a months-long struggle with kidney disease.
*ugh*
*hugs*
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*offers hugs to RadiantSophia and anyone and everyone else that wants or needs one**offers hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs one*Definitely need one. One of my dogs died yesterday after a months-long struggle with kidney disease.
Yeah, sorry to hear that about your doggy ;_;
*offers more hugs to anyone and everyone that wants or needs one*
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* joins in the giving of hugs *
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As someone who turns 29 in a handful of months who's never been in a relationship his whole life let me just say this to start: it doesn't matter, despite what society tells you, whether you have sex or not. It isn't a necessity.
Sexuality (in the broad sense, and thus including asexual as part of the spectrum) is a powerful part of a persons identity, and one of the most difficult - and at times painful - things to figure out. Frankly, I think a lot of people don't, and instead convince themselves that the societal expectations placed upon them are what they want/need, and that they should follow them and 'be happy with it'.
On the off-chance that this is remotely helpful.... Wall of text incoming (somewhat ramblicious and probably only half-coherent... but here we go).
If I had to apply categories: I'm a cis, hetero, white, middle-class male (with the [married] and [parent] subtypes). And I find myself strongly disagreeing with a lot on matters of sexuality, normalcy and love with those who, in theory, share my sexual orientation. Which is part of the reason I prefer not to use such terms in relation to myself.
Background? I grew up with parents who are anything but typical; they are practically adventurers, having been all over, done a dozen different occupations between them, moved back and forth across the globe and maintained an open relationship the whole time. They also had a policy of treating their children (well, sons anyway) as adults from the age of 13. My mam was laid back and tried to offer meaningful advice, but refused to argue/bicker with my dad. My dad was passionate, unbending, inflexible, impatient and absolutely adamant that the most important thing in life for a young man to do was bang as many girls as possible, as often as possible. This wasn't born out of complete chauvinism, but more out of his background; He was a teen in the late 60's and early 70's in working-class England, and he slept around a lot, being that was the primary entertainment available to teenagers at the time, and STD's weren't really a serious thing yet. Through trial and error, he figured out what it is he needed in a partner, and when he met my mam, proposed to her after two weeks.
As you might guess, he's a bit 'odd' to say the least, though it worked... for him. He is also, unfortunately, a raving homophobe... actually literally. He's read Kinsey's work, and many others and regularly attempts to engage people in dialogue and theorising about the origins and reasoning for homosexuality "and other deviancy" and while growing up it was an adamantly stated ultimatum that if any of his sons had any form of sexual relation with another male, they would be disowned, kicked out and never again welcome in his presence.
To say I was "a bit stressed" is something of an understatement, though it usually came out as manic energy.
Thing is... I didn't grow up in working-class English villages in the 60's. I spent my childhood in the UK living mostly inside my own head (which was an AWESOME place), and then my teen years in rural Queensland, Australia. I never learned to read people (I still suck at it) and though I can talk (or type) for hours, I can't direct a conversation to save my own life. And my fumbling, manic attempts at trying to achieve what had been drilled into me as "The Highest Priority In Life" not only bore zero success and drove off (what I can see in hindsight) were several attempts by others to start relationships with me that would probably have been enjoyable, honest and helped me grow as a person. (Unlike my dad, who was threatening/contemplating dragging me off to Thailand towards the end of High School to "help me grow up", and only didn't because, A) I adamantly didn't want to, and B) I finished high school before I turned 17. Again. Well meaning, totally misguided).
So I went to Uni, moved out of home a few weeks after turning 17, and went through several painful (in hindsight mostly; my god I was a moron at times) years of growing, and figuring out who I was, and what mattered to me. Learning this was slow, awkward, and involved a lot of dissatisfaction, frustration and general unhappiness while attempting to do the various things I was expected to do.
Fast forward several years, and several relationships of various degrees of failure, and I come to realise what it is I actually want. It isn't a pretty face; it isn't bragging rights about numbers of partners; it isn't random consequence-and-meaning-free sex (honestly, the "chatting up" process typically employed feels like con-artistry and rankles my sense of fairness and integrity); and it isn't in "Not Being Single", because being a bad relationship is far worse than being in no relationship (learned that one the hard way).
- I want someone I can talk to, and laugh with.
- I want someone who enjoys what I enjoy.
- I want someone who shows their emotions openly, and values honesty
- I want someone who is kind, and cherishes giving joy to others.
- I want someone who enjoys learning as much as I, regardless of the topic.
- I want someone who can tell me things I did not know.
- I want someone who is unafraid to voice an opinion that differs from mine.
- I want someone who can enjoy the simply joys of an embrace.
- I want someone who wants love, and not grand gestures.
- I want someone who makes me smile by their mere presence.
- I want someone whom I cannot imagine not having in my life.
And eventually, this person and I found each other. Okay, so it's more involved than that, but several years down the track we're married and have a little girl who's about to turn 3, and is both an absolute joy and the bane of our sanity.
Did I expect it? No.
Did I leap at the chance, when I recognised her for who she is? You bet!
(And on the other side, the fact that I have zero compunctions about being emotional, regularly cry at movies [They killed Han!] and don't feel that is anything to be embarrassed about was one of the main things that won her over. Neither she nor I buy into the "Men must be stoic emotionless rocks" crap.)
I am going somewhere, really. I work in a traditionally male-dominated middle-class profession where the overwhelming majority of my contemporaries are married men with children. And while the majority of the casual 'comments' and complaints could largely be ignored, when my wife & I decided to start a family, the overwhelming amount of "helpful advice" and anecdotes was... painful.
- "My job is to earn the money. Hers is to spend it."
- "Hey, you just had a week off? Man, your wife must be itching to get you out of the house! My missus counts the days whenever I'm on leave!"
- "You spent the holidays home with the wife and kid? Man, I'd go stir crazy! We always go camping or something to keep us sane."
- "Yeah. Kids are great, but after 4 weeks you'll be itching to get back into the office."
- "Man, I have it good. The hours on the job are a bit long, but when I get home the dinner's on the table, the kids are in bed... it's awesome."
- "Yeah. I got roped into spending the day with the missus on Saturday. Thankfully they have these lounges out the front of the shops with free wifi."
And the list goes on. And on.
It didn't take long to realise that many, if not most of the people I work with have married people they don't have much in common with, and don't really enjoy spending time in their company, and have children they prefer seeing only in limited doses. And when I explain that I never get sick of my wife's company, or that I actually want to spend time with my daughter, I get looked at as if I'm some kind of weirdo.
Because, as far as I can tell, they have done exactly what society proclaims is a measure of success at life: Get a stable job; get married; have kids. Boxes ticked.
Happiness? Not what it could be, but "it will do".
And to me at least... that's rather tragic.
TL;DR: Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all of life, though society will generally tell you otherwise.
Being in the right relationship for you, with the right person? That, can be a thing of beauty and give much joy.
Just don't let anyone tell you what is right for you; Only you can figure that out.
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Crap, RS. I know how much losing a beloved pet like that sucks :(
*joins in on the hug-smothering*
My condolences, RadiantSophia.
*hugs*
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Please take care of yourself everyone.
Damn. I'm sorry Radiant Sophia. May they rest peacefully.
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Thought you could use some help. Everyone needs a hug every now and then.
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I'm off to DC in about an hour. I'm carrying all of you with me in my heart.
[Two local DC FLGSs are offering warming stations; phone charging, etc for marchers. Yay gamers!]
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*primes Kitten Hug Cannon and launches a barrage at Crystal*
Anyways, here's a small, hopefully inspirational rant.
When Trump first got elected, a lot of us contemplated taking our lives that night, or the next night, or the night after that. I'm not excluding myself from that number. I can't say what anybody else felt, but a horrible crushing despair enveloped me. I felt like no matter what I did, Trump would crush all of the progress LGBTQIA+ people have made in the decades following Stonewall. I felt like that the rest of my life was going to be a living hell, either in the closet and despairing every day, or out and having to deal with a tidal wave of taunts, beatings, and the inability to access the care I needed. I was about to kill myself when I remembered my friends. A bi girl I know, who despite being the most "normal"-as an irrelevant word that it is-would still have to endure discrimination and bigotry wherever she went. A transguy who would have to deal with the same issues as me. And that's when I realized that even if we lose all hope for ourselves, we still have to fight on for others in our community. Even if we can't do anything by ourselves, if we all rise up, we are much, much more than any amount of insane demagogues and backwards politicians can handle. Remember that Hilary won the popular vote by 3 million people. We outweigh them by numbers even before you take into account that a large portion of Trump's constituency was a bunch of angry, confused people who had no idea who they were supporting, who are going to be horrified at what he's going to try to do. And that's the key word there. Try. He's going to try to grind our rights into dust. He's going to try to do everything he can to oppress us. He's going to try to erase all of the progress that we've made. And he's going to fail, because each individual, hopeless person doesn't stand in a vacuum. We can all bolster each other, comfort each other, in this crisis. We can fight tooth and nail to prevent whatever horrible, dystopian policies he plans on enacting. Individually, we are strong in our own way, however weak we feel at the moment. Together, we are mighty enough to stand our ground against whatever terrors the GOP is going to unleash upon us. Together, even if we have lost the will to fight for ourselves, we can still find the determination to fight for every kid in the closet, every teen trying to transition, every happily married same-sex couple. Together we can win this.
I hope that I gave all of you the hope that I found.
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It's 3:30 AM. I just dropped of my wife and daughter at the parking lot where eight buses will bring a total of 400 people from my town to the Women's March on Washington. Yes, they're wearing the hats.
I will be attending a local march.
In solidarity, we shall overcome.
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And it's replacement....
*HeadDesk*
I will join the hugging crowd today, I feel there will be an increase in demand.