Skitter Scouts
Aura faint conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 3,500gp; Weight -Description:
Skitter Scouts appear to be just a big jar filled with fine bugs such as ticks or fleas. When released near a door crack or otherwise near a room entrance the bugs will filter out and into the room. After about two minutes the bugs return and form themselves into a map of the room. The map contains a general layout of the room as well as bugs forming the general shapes of any creatures in the room.
The entire process takes about five minutes. Thirty seconds for the bugs to get out of the jar, two minutes for them to explore the room, two minutes of viewing the map and thirty seconds for them to return to jar. As long as the process goes uninterrupted the skitter scouts are reusable.Construction:
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Swarm, 1,750gpDon't hold back on any criticism =p
I didnt get to review this one. Sean and Wolf had already reviewed it and rejected it. I happen to agree with them. Too much money. Various scrying spells cover this ground. And a scroll of clairvoyance is cheapter and faster to use. You always want to make sure that your item is not beaten in usefulness by a scroll of the same spell or set of spells. Now, sure, the bugs are reusable and a scroll isnt. But for 3500 I get nearly 10 such scrolls. And I would pay a bit more to be able to scry faster.
Any feedback would be much appreciated. My skin is pretty thick, so criticise away.... :)
Thanks
Cat
DREAM CUTTERS
Aura Moderate Enchantment; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 28,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lbDESCRIPTION
Forged with one black blade and one white blade, these adamantine scissors are said to cut hope from despair, joy from sorrow and success from failure. Held in the right hand, the cutters function as a non-magical cutting implement, dealing damage as an improvised dagger and are commonly used on chains, manacles, bolts, padlocks and thin bars. If held in the left hand and snipped in the air as a swift action, the cutters can cut dreams and nightmares out of thin air. Snipped with the black blade uppermost, the cutters throw up to 7 creatures of the user’s choice (This is a 1/day mind-affecting effect; maximum range: 100 feet; Will Save DC14 negates) into a nightmare, leaving them confused for the next 1d6+1 rounds. Snipped white blade uppermost, they fill up to 7 creatures (with the same limitations) with daydreams of success and power, giving them a +2 morale bonus to saving throws, attack rolls and skill checks for the next 1d6+1 minutes.CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, confusion, good hope; Skill Craft (blacksmithing); Cost 14,000 gp
We felt this was a little gonzo and the writing was over the top and not in a good way. We ALL agreed the mechanics are whack. I liked the idea and Sean liked the flavor. But the execution, the over the top writing and the really difficult mechanic description held this one down. This was an example of one of our "good idea, but had to reject, and its too bad, too..." items that we had this year.
Thanks for the oportunity to recieve feedback clark :D
Vial of Darkness
Aura Moderate Transmutation; CL 5th
Slot -; Price 22,000 gp; Weight -.
This dark crystal vial contains black ooze that suck up the light that surrounds it. The Vial carries ooze sufficient to five uses, once per day one use is replenished. To apply the ooze is considered a standard action.
If applied on the eyes, the ooze grants Darkvision; applied twice the Darkvision works in magical Darkness and is extended up to 120 feet.
If applied on a weapon, the ooze grants +1d6 shadow damage for 50 minutes; applied twice the bonus changes to +2d6 and attacks targeting this weapon have a miss chance of 50%.
If applied in the air, the ooze creates a magical Darkness; applied twice the Darkness become Deeper Darkness.
The user can choose to spill the ooze all over his body as a full round action, doing this works as if the ooze was applied twice in the eyes, weapons and air centered on him. In addition the user is under the effect of the spell Shadow Walk. This maneuver consumes five uses of the vial and lasts 5 rounds.
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Items, Darkvision, Deeper Darkness, Shadow Walk; Cost: 11,000.
I sarcastically referred to this item as the "swiss army knife of darkness." I probably shouldnt tease like that. But you know you are missing the mark when Wolf doesnt get excited about a shadow item, and he didnt. My biggest gripe is that you dont use it up and that it regrows. I thought it was too much and was a steal at that price. Sean agreed. That's what got you. Wolf thought this might be better as a substance than a wondrous item. We also thought this item just didnt really have much juice to it.
Thank you sir, may I have another? :)
BRIDLE OF THE RIGHTEOUS
Aura moderate transmutation [good]; CL 7th
Slot bridle; Price 14,000 gp; Weight 1lb.Description
This item, made primarily of dark leather covered in silvery Celestial script, appears at first glance to be a normal bit and bridle and may be worn as such by any standard non-evil mount. When activated by a good-aligned rider, however, the item channels divine power into its wearer, granting the mount the Celestial template for a duration of 10 minutes. This ability is usable 1/day.The bridle bestows one permanent negative level on any evil creature attempting to wear or activate it. The negative level remains as long as the item is touched and disappears when that touch is broken. This negative level cannot be overcome in any way (including restoration spells) while the bridle is still being touched.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Holy Smite, Bless Weapon, creator must be good; Cost 7,000 gp--
Feels like the "Abyssal Spurs" that made it through were kinda coming from the same place as my item. Except for being totally different of course...
Yes you may have another!
Believe it or not we had two bridle items. :)
I was on the fence on this one. I thought it was "a bit boring, but it is simple and clean. And it uses the channeling mechanic. I like the application of the celestial creature. I'd like to put my money where my mouth is that a low level clean item actually can make the cut. This might be the one. Inclined to keep for further consideration. And subject to the review of my esteemed colleagues."
Sean and Wolf didnt feel the same. It got rejected. And I dont disagree with them. Wolf didnt like templating on the fly and had issues with some of the mechanics and wording such as "activating." Sean had issues with "standard mount" and what that means. Plus we thought the way you handled the negative level was wonky. There were better ways to do it.
Clark
In advance, thanks for the feedback. I am sure we all appreciate it.CHALICE OF THE KING
Aura faint conjuration; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 56,000 gp; Weight 3 lb.HISTORY
Originally created by the paranoid Tybarus the Tyrrant, the Chalice of the King disappeared after his assassination. Tybarus had artisans loyal to him make an enchanted cup of gold, covered with gemstones, that would remove any poisons in his drink. He feared, correctly, that citizens of his kingdom sought to remove him from power. The goblet served its purpose well, and Tybarus indeed thwarted many attempts to poison him. Ironically, he was assassinated by a poisoned blade, from which the mighty chalice was unable to save him.DESCRIPTION
This large cup is made of solid gold. Green gems, mostly emerald and jade, are embedded on the sides and base of the cup. This chalice constantly casts neutralize poison (as the spell) on any liquid it contains. This has the additional effect of removing alcohol from any beverage drank from the cup. The chalice cannot remove poisons already affecting the victim however, or delivered from any other source (such as injury, contact, or inhalation poisons).CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, neutralize poison; Cost 28,000 gp
OK, if you have a "history" section, you are going to get rejected by me. I've posted in detail my thoughts about this in other threads. Find me ONE wondrous item that has that in the DMG or the Pathfinder Beta. There isnt one. This is the classic "item of the overdone backstory." But on top of that, this was a spell in a cup...uh, can.
Its a good start. But you have a ways to go to superstar. Lose the history stuff. Design an item, not a short story. And find something new and interesting. A cup to neutralize poison is too simple and it doesnt really lend itself to epic heroic roleplaying. I mean, is this for PCs? No, of course not. (that said, I liked the story about Tybarus, it just doesnt belong in a wondrous item).
Clark - I would appreciate your feedback too. After reading the bad items thread I think I know what I did wrong on a few levels, but I'd like to see what you thought. I've got a thick skin too.
Minor Cloak of the Deep Ones
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot shoulders; Price 5,400 gp; Weight 1lb.
Description:
This green and black cloak is embroidered with patterns resembling ocean waves. On command, magical tentacles spring from the cloak creating a spell effect like the entangle spell. The spell area is centered on the cloak’s wearer and is useable once per day. The cloak’s wearer is unaffected by the grasping tentacles and their entangling effect.
Requirements; Craft Wondrous Item, Entangle; Cost 2,700 gp
Oh how I wanted to like this item!!! The name got me all tingly with evil Cthulhu-y goodness!!!!
But then I read it. :(
Here is what I wrote:
"I LOVED the name and was excited to read it. I was ready for some Cthulhu goodness!!! Then it became just an entangle in a can. Bummer. Frankly, black tentacles would have been cooler :) Reject"
It was widely agreed that the name was the best part. Now, lets not undervalue that. A great name is a good place to start. So clearly you have the creativity to get off to a good start. Next year, deliver on a rad name like that and you might just be in!
Bag of Surreptitious Switching:
OK, picking up with this one tomorrow.
Thanks again to everyone for letting me help out!
This will probably get lost in the myriad of requests, but anyhoo...
First of all, thanks Clark for your feedback. It is great you're doing this.
Once per year you get a five-word commune? Who wants this item? Am I missing something here?Commune works for yes/no questions. If you want to know where something is located, what someone's name is, or other type of information for which yes/no questions aren't really useful, commune does not help a bit. Let's also remember that commune answers according to a particular deity's interests.
Plus, look at cost. This is essentially a commune scroll (though it seems it gives 5 word answers more than commune's one word answer or maybe up to 5 words), which would otherwise cost you 1125gp (a 5th level spell scroll). This item lets you use the spell once per year, so I guess he just bumped the cost up to 1650gp which is the price of a scroll of a 6th level spell.Not like a scroll, it is use activated rather than spell completion, so that's where the pricing comes from.
Why in the world would I pay more for this item when I could just buy a commune scroll for 500 gp less--a savings of 1/3 the price of the item--and get 8...1.Because you're not a cleric and can't use a scroll, and more importantly...
2.Because you need an answer for a question different from yes or no.
I hear all those things. Doesnt change my mind.
You asked for feedback. :)
What is that line, "you cant talk yourself out of 'dumped'" :)
I appreciate the passion.
Gloves of Kindling
Aura moderate evocation; CL 3rd
Slot Hands; Price 7800 gp; Weight –DESCRIPTION
These red leather gloves will, upon command, burst into flames. These flames, equivalent in light and heat to the flames of a torch, do not scorch the wearer but can be used to ignite flammable objects. Successful unarmed attacks made with the gloves do an additional 1d4 points of flame damage and the opponent struck must make a Reflex safe (DC 14) to avoid having any clothing catch on fire. Twice a day the wearer of the gloves can cause fire to fly from the gloves in a manner identical to the spell Burning Hands. Finally the wearer, three times a day, can ignite any square inch of flammable material up to a hundred feet away.CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Object, prestidigitation, burning hands; Cost 3900 gp
I'm not supposed to say, but this one was top 62 :)
I hope you read this before Vic edits it :)
Wow! Elisabeth, that is one of the coolest items i have seen in ages, it really is to bad it didn't make it into the top 32. Permission to yoink?
Believe it or not, we had a couple rouge/makeup items. Who would have guessed...
Eheheh... I'm not looking for feedback really, but I did have a question. Would you be able to tell me if my item actually got submitted? It was called the Abacus of Uncanny Calculations.
I'm curious because I kinda toed the line as far as the deadline went. I thought it said it was submitted, but I think I opened the submission form before the deadline, and hit submit after the deadline...
Not to skip ahead, but I am going to.
Yes, it was submitted. It was rejected, but with much gnashing of teeth. Here is what I wrote:
"The one minute kills this for me (MoP is a one round effect and you give it one minute, that is alot!). Plus, I think the combat focus is a bit overdone. I would like it better if it was just skills or things like that. I didnt know that "Numerologists and practitioners of Mathemancy" were so worried about beat downs that they needed multiple AC and attack buffs per day. Overpowered. And that is even before you can use it more than 3/day with just a cumulative -1 to the check. Too bad, too, because I like the flavor of this. Nice item. Just way overdone. And a great name, too. Bummer."
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On a side note, I really feel ashamed of myself for bringing this to your attention Clark. I know we must take criticism and rejection as a way to grow in the craft, but I can't stop feeling the urge to just give up and say to myself, "WTF were you thinking? I don't deserve to waste people's time like this. Get real! Get grounded. Give Up! Get on with your life. At least you know what you shouldn't be doing". Crap! This feels like some pity plight. Well screw it. I tried. Be harsh. And whatever you do, be honest. Be evil. Be cruel. Slap me down. I won't let this be the end. I will grow. I am the flower between the cracks of the pavement.
Cheers to Paizo Community,
ZuxSprite Trapper’s Cage
Aura strong enchantment; CL 15th
Slot none; Price 100,000 gp; Weight 3 lb.Description
This tiny cage is fashioned from gold plated steel with Sylvan engravings. It is 7 inches in diameter and 7 inches tall. Inside the cage is a lure that is highly sought by Sprites, a unique mushroom preserved in amber. Setting this cage as a trap in a forest or aquatic environment normally yields a Sprite within a week. The Sprite Trapper is then able to direct the Sprite seven times, after which the Sprite is released. The only exception to the “7 Rule” is the Irresistible Dance. If this spell is cast (or played), the Sprite is released immediately. Sylvan engravings within the cage instruct Sprites to cooperate with the possessor of the cage or remain captive. Typical requests would be: Use one Spell-like ability, a Search Check, Read Sylvan, use a Special Arrow, etc.When this cage is first discovered there is a 30 percent chance that a Sprite is already held within. The Cage will appear empty until it is touched or the Sprite inside decides to reveal itself.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Binding (minimus containment); Cost 50,000 gpWow, you shouldnt think that at all. ALL THREE judges said you had "a real gem of an idea here." In fact, Sean even said that this item inspired him to realize that "the game should have a spell similar to planar ally, but for fey, which druids can use." Our problem was with the muddled execution. What it does and how it does it is a little unclear. But if I was you I would absolutely NOT give this up. You had a great idea here. What you need is a little work on detailing the mechanics of it.
Thank You Clark. I felt it was a good idea, but I think the mechanics elude me I guess. My wife and I proofed the thing and it appeared clear to us. Basically its a rechargeable Djinni in a bottle (but a Sprite instead). I am sure I could come up with other great ideas, but I am not sure if I can get it accross any clearer than this attempt. I think stating out a villian would have killed me BTW.
Thanks again,
Zux
Hello.
Feedback please.
SHROUDS OF THE ANCIENT
Aura: Moderate Necromancy; CL 11th
Slot Body; Price 49,000 gp; Weight -
The primary purpose of these silk and linen wraps is to preserve the body of the deceased for their afterlife.
When a body, living or dead, is placed within the shrouds, they writhe and bind it, putting the body under the effect of a Gentle Repose and Protection from Good of unlimited duration while shrouded. The shrouded subject is considered entangled as if by a Rope of Entanglement. The shrouds may be removed as a full round action, and have the statistics and self-repairing ability of a Rope of Entanglement with 24 hit points.
While the above effects are readily discovered, the shrouds have another, more powerful, ability. A shrouded subject is enabled to cast Magic Jar without a concentration check and without a focus; the amulets and talismans within the shrouds serve this purpose. Additionally, the effective duration of Magic Jar cast in this way is unlimited, although a trapped soul receives a new Saving Throw each day to return to its body.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Extend Spell, Craft Wondrous Item, Gentle Repose, Protection from Good, Magic Jar; Cost 24,500 gp
The main one that jumps out at me is the capitalized spell names. Not sure what else I did wrong, or if it is just not interesting enough.
Thanks Clark.
Any feedback gratefully received (anticipating RPGS2010).
Parliament of Rooks
Aura: moderate divination and necromancy CL: 9th
Slot: Head Price: 14,300 gp Weight: 1 lb
Description
Rooks are strange birds, friendly and sociable but not quite of this world, they keep a weather-eye on the fates and the paths into death. This wooden crown is carved from old polished ash in the form of six rooks, perched and facing outwards. Whoever wears the crown can speak with animals (birds only) at will. After having been worn for an hour three of the rooks begin to look for the approach of death. The wearer can use status, once per day, on up to three companions simultaneously. One rook watches the weather, granting a +5 competence bonus to Survival checks when predicting the weather or resisting its effects. The final two rooks watch the fates and allow the wearer to cast doom twice per day (DC 16 Will negates)
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Doom, Status, Speak with Animals; creator must have at least 5 ranks in Survival Cost: 7,150 gp
This one made top 62 also. Its a good, good item. No one gave it a golden ticket. Sorry :) Keep up the great work. We were sad to cut this one.
I will also ask for feedback for my item:
Marble of Seeing (Around Corners):
Aura faint divination; CL 5th;
Slot -; Price 375 gp; Weight -Description
This tiny crystal sphere, after being pressed to one's forehead for a round, allows the user to see through it for ten rounds. This item does not allow magically or supernaturally enhanced senses to work through it, but allows for a 360o range of vision from the perspective of the marble. The marble can be rolled, hurled or dropped, but the connection is broken if the marble is farther then 90' from the user. As a tiny object, it takes a spot check DC18 to be noticed by others. At the end of the duration, or if the connection is broken due to distance, the marble immediately dissolves.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Clairvoyance; Cost 187.5gp;
I didnt like this. Wolf loved it. It was top 62 but not golden ticketed.
Clark, can you please give me feedback?
It was fun joining this year; hope I make it next year!-------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloves of the Elements
Aura Moderate Evocation; CL 9
Slot Hands; Price 90,990 gp; Weight 0 lb.DESCRIPTION
The Gloves of the Elements are made out of the scales of four different types of dragons: green, blue, red and black. The scales of the fur-lined gloves overlap each other. Once snugly worn, the user may produce one of these four actions by raising their hands in front of them: Air Walk (Air), Stoneskin (Earth), Ice Storm (Water), and Wall of Fire (Fire). The user must be wearing both gloves at the casting time. The user may only use each spell once a day.Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Air Walk, Stoneskin, Ice Storm and Wall of Fire; Cost 52,560 gp
I'll let Clark give you actual feedback, but I'll tell you this—as soon as I learned that an 8-year-old entered the contest, I took a peek at what the judges had said. While there were a couple of items that made the judges wonder if they had been designed by a kid, this was not one of them. I give you a *lot* of credit for having entered this, and I hope you do try again next year!
WHAT!!??!!??
VIC I CALL FOR AN IMMEDIATE SPECIAL FORUM TAG FOR THIS KID AS AN HONORARY SUPERSTAR!!! (Of course I have no power to do that, but it sounded fun)
Holy cow.
8 years old.
Kid, you are a stud.
We had a couple items that I thought just were terrible and I really bashed them. But then I wondered if kids had perhaps submitted them. And I fondly recalled being about 11 and sending a letter to Dungeon mag (god that was 31 years ago). I got a letter back from one of the D&D luminaries and it was very kind and encouraging. So I felt like a big dork when I was slamming these bad items because I worried one would be a kid. So in several of my critical reviews I said "if this is a kid, nice work, keep going," etc.
Here is what we thought: The item was a bit simple. It didnt do much that was new. But if you are 8 years old, I will tell you this--we were grading against 30 year olds trying to be professional designers. That submission you entered, adjusting for age, should make you and honorary superstar in my book. I know good adult designers who cant make an item that good.
You are amazing. You have my profound respect.
And I hope Vic makes you and honorary superstar.
I think it is SO COOL that you entered. You did a great job. Keep it up. You should be real proud of yourself. And an inspriation to everyone else out there.
Wow. Just wow.
Vic, hook him up.
Come on...honorary superstar!!!!!
I'll let Clark give you actual feedback, but I'll tell you this—as soon as I learned that an 8-year-old entered the contest, I took a peek at what the judges had said.
Clark, can you please give me feedback?
It was fun joining this yearGloves of the Elements
I'm still in shock. 8 years old. I cant even imagine that. Amazing.
Come on, give it up for "the kid"!
Why not just list those who did not make it the same way as the top 32?Because then we would have hundreds upon hundreds of items listed, sometimes for people who don't want to see what the judges said, using words the judges may have used in confidence. Even the Top 32 may have had some comments edited before they were made public.
This way Clark can say his piece, and edit the actual comments where necessary, and people who know they don't take criticism well, or already figured out why they didn't pass, don't have to hear anything.
That's true. Even for the top 32, those are our edited comments. Sometimes we cut some stuff out and sometimes we expand on stuff. We often judge in shorthand, since Wolf and Sean and I know what each means with just using some short phrases. Others we have long discussions in. But we edit them before they are publically presented. I mean, for me at least I have to take out all the dirty words. :)
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I'm still in shock. 8 years old. I cant even imagine that. Amazing.
Come on, give it up for "the kid"!
It's pretty amazing, that's for sure, and the item was pretty good, too. With a start this early, I wouldn't be surprised if he makes it into the industry in record time.
While a lot of us started gaming at an early age, I really don't think that many of us were not only designing items, but having the courage to submit them. It's pretty dang cool, I think. I'm sure his dad, who submitted too, if I remember rightly, is quite proud, as well.
Ok, got it. Not about fairness or having a grading system, but preventing hurt feeling. I’ve been in the military to long. Thanks for the time. Out.That is part of it, I think, but also...if the judges knew that their entire comment threads were going to be made public they would pull their punches a bit. This way they know that their comments will be kept discrete, and we get redacted versions on this thread.
Yep :)
Here is what we thought: The item was a bit simple. It didnt do much that was new. But if you are 8 years old, I will tell you this--we were grading against 30 year olds trying to be professional designers. That submission you entered, adjusting for age, should make you and honorary superstar in my book. I know good adult designers who cant make an item that good.
You are amazing. You have my profound respect.
And I hope Vic makes you and honorary superstar.
I think it is SO COOL that you entered. You did a great job. Keep it up. You should be real proud of yourself. And an inspriation to everyone else out there.
Wow. Just wow.
Seconded. Wow. That an 8 year-old would have the patience and concentration, aside from the writing chops, to pull that off gives me hope for youth and our education system. Amazing.
How about "Young Superstar" or "Superstar Intern"?
Just to check, are you just going through the items in the order their requests were posted? I'm pretty sure that's what you're doing, but I can't quite tell. This warthog think good...
Yes, except for my occasional use of executive privilege to take one out of order :) Like the one by the 8 year old kid. How amazing is that?
By the way, I really respect how cool everyone is being about feedback. You have to understand, most people arent this good about negative feedback. People dont like to hear how they didnt make it. It says alot about this community that we can have a discussion like this.
And please remember, when I offer comments about your item I am not criticizing you as a person or your creativity or anything. I am only commenting on that specific item. That's all. In fact, the very fact that you submitted and are now here seeking feedback says more positive about you than any comments I might make here negatively about an item ever could.
So keep that in mind and thanks for being so cool and positive about this feedback process.
Oh, and holy cow there are alot of them :) I didnt think I'd get so many... This may take me a while. But hang in there. I'll get to them eventually. :)
How about "Young Superstar" or "Superstar Intern"?
Superstar-in-waiting?
Superstar Heir Apparent? (Especially appropriate, considering his dad made top 32).
I know the forum denizens have been buzzing about Nerrat since we heard that he had entered. It's great to see such a stellar example of a younger person getting involved with the game that was a big part of so many of our childhoods.
I'll be repeating what many posters have said, but keep up the good work, Nerrat.
CR
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Well, I didn't make the cut, but I'd definitely like to know what you thought of my item
Spellslayer's Gauntlet
Aura moderate Abjuration; CL 11th
Slot hands; Price 40,400 gp; Weight 1 lb.Description
This gauntlet appears to be crafted of black leather and dark iron plates etched with incomprehensible runes, the fingers coming to almost claw-like points. The gauntlet grants the wearer a spell resistance of 13, as well as several other abilities designed to combat magical effects. Twice a day, the wearer may make a touch attack against a target. If the attack is successful, the target is effected as if it had been the target of dispel magic with a caster level of 5th. Also, once a day, the wearer may cast antimagic field as an 11th level wizard.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spell resistance, dispel magic, antimagic field; Cost 20,200 gpWolf and I felt that was a bit generic of a bad guy item and a bit cliche in its execution with the clawed black gloves a la a scifi channel original movie. It didnt feel that original.
Reading it again, I still agree. But I do regret that we dont have hours and hours to read and reread these items. I think your item is better than the first impression it leaves the reader with. Problem is, you really only get to make a first impression. There is nothing mechanically wrong with your item. Its just that it is primarily a bad guy item, which gives it limited appeal. And the "clawed black glove" really dragged it down.
Clark
Huh. Well, that's actually a better response than I expected. Thanks for the feedback. The item is actually inspired by something worn by a character in a story I've been working on...though it morphed from a "gauntlet that absorbs magic to keep a curse from killing him" to what I sent in. I'm actually surprised it seemed like a "generic bad guy" item, though when I look at it again I can see why. I sort of imagined it having a sort of...dark appearance to it, and now I wish I hadn't done that just because of that seems to be what dragged me down. I thought it would be a nice item that could have been developed for, let's say, an elite cadre of warriors trained primarily to combat spellcasters.
Thank you for the feedback, though, Clark. I was so worried that it was the mechanics that would kill me, and it turns out it was the flavor *laughs*. Well, I'll keep that in mind next year when I enter again.I look forward to seeing the rest of this year's contest :)
-Dane
Oh Zombie, this was yours! Cool.
Wolfgang LOVED this item. He loved the idea of undead lapping up this stuff.
Two things held you down. First, the mechanics are wonky. There were issues with range of the effect and what happens if multiple undead are affected and some other issues. And second, there are some real significant grammar issues. The writing, we felt, was subpar beyond simply some editorial fixes. This needed a pretty significant editorial pass that just wasnt Superstar.
But that said, all of us felt that you were trying to create an item that was truly wondrous, that you have a lot going on creatively and we all wanted to see what you could do in the next round. The problem was that, compared to other entries, the mechanics and the grammar and writing issues couldnt permit it to advance. Wolf though it was cool and possibly, just on coolness, good enough for top 32. It was Sean and I that said no. Sorry about that. But you are real close here. This is a big idea, and we love those. Its easier to fix mechanic issues and writing issues than it is to teach someone to have big ideas who doesnt have them. So please keep it up.
Firstly, the two mechanical things that you mentioned. range was ment to be perception. If they can see or smell it directly, they are affected. I throught that was clear, but rereading it i guess it really isn't. Affect of numerous monsters, boils down to divide five minites by number off undead. That is decision I'll stand by as it should be a logical conclusion for anyone and other duration mechanics seemed overly chunky and would have gone over word count.
Now to the Gramar issues, I have to take complete responciblity for that. I literally can't gramar issues in my own writing, i don't understand them and they all but make my ears bleed when i try to learn how to deal with them. I have been taught the rules of gramar over and over again, but i just cant understand them. All thanks to a misfiring brain.
But the irony is, i have the support i need for it not to be an issue for the most part. If i had sat down with my mother and gone through the item with a fine tooth comb, if i had trusted my self and the spelling and gramar check less, this whole issue wouldn't be an issue. But stupid arrogance, and a desire to just be able to do it without the help for one cause be to do much less well than i am capable of :(. In short; i read this and all but screamed profanities at my self.
Clark, you guys don't have to say sorry. The challange is to produce the best items possible, and unfortunately writing is part of that, and i made the choice to believe i could do it without help, when i knew i needed it. That isn't your fault.
By the way, I really respect how cool everyone is being about feedback. You have to understand, most people arent this good about negative feedback. People dont like to hear how they didnt make it. It says alot about this community that we can have a discussion like this.
It maybe that those that do not think they can handle the feedback are not posting their items for comment. although I am somewhat surprised that there have not been more "but...but....but..." response types post trying to explain why you are wrong about their item after you have given them their feedback. It speaks greatly of the level of maturity of the community members here.
Hi Everyone,
Would be great to have some feedback, as I am new to DnD gaming and this was my first go at creating a wondrous item....
Belt of Beckon Elemental Changeling
Aura Moderate conjuration, strong transmutation; CL 11th
Slot Belt; Price 18,900GP; Weight 1lb
Description
Of Druid creation, “Belt of Beckon Elemental Changeling” has five different coloured gems inset into the hide strap. Four different “Elemental Gems”; air (transparent), water (blue), earth (light brown) and fire (orange) are positioned either side of an integral black “Changeling Gem”.
Alternative uses :
1) Singular Activation
Remove individual Elemental Gem and smash it (one standard action), causing effect of “summon nature’s ally V” spell, beckoning respective Large Elemental
2) Synergistic Activation
Integral to the belt itself, upon smashing the black “Changeling Gem”, the entire belt is destroyed, shattering all gems simultaneously, beckoning a single Huge ‘Elemental’ who has the ability to transform and change between Elemental types (as free action) at verbal command of the destroyer of the changeling gem; “Fire!”, “Air!” etc. taking advantage of the idiosyncratic differences of each Elemental template. Synergistic effect only works when belt is adorned with a full gem set; empty gem slots could be replaced with purchase of appropriate missing “Elemental Gem”, but “Changeling Gem” is integral to belt and cannot be purchased separately.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, summon nature’s ally V, shapechange, animal growth; Cost 9,450GP
Belt of Beckon Elemental Changeling
I thought your entry was quite large, MS-Word tells me it is 206 words. I don't know if they dinged you for that.
I thought your entry was quite large, MS-Word tells me it is 206 words. I don't know if they dinged you for that.
Belt of Beckon Elemental Changeling
Looking at the judges comments, I think they allowed 10% margin for formatting etc - hopefully not rejected because of this - but there were some great items under the word limit, so I guess a lesson to learn.
It was widely agreed that the name was the best part. Now, lets not undervalue that. A great name is a good place to start. So clearly you have the creativity to get off to a good start. Next year, deliver on a rad name like that and you might just be in!
Thanks so much for the feedback. I guess I got too worried about being over the top, and decided to play it too safely. Good luck with judging the rest of the contest.
And Thanks again. It is very cool to have feedback like this. In my mind, the only way I can improve with anything is to get honest critisism.
Believe it or not we had two bridle items. :)
I just saw the other one now. I am amazed to see that mount-adapting items were so common this year. I thought I was really coming from leftfield working a usually-overlooked area...
I was on the fence on this one. I thought it was "a bit boring, but it is simple and clean. And it uses the channeling mechanic. I like the application of the celestial creature. I'd like to put my money where my mouth is that a low level clean item actually can make the cut. This might be the one. Inclined to keep for further consideration. And subject to the review of my esteemed colleagues."
I liked how the idea seemed really simple at first, but that the application could vary a great deal, depending what kind of mount you were using. If it was a riding dog, it was a pretty minor bump. If it was a griffon you were riding, well you definitely would get more toys to play with.
Sean and Wolf didnt feel the same. It got rejected. And I dont disagree with them. Wolf didnt like templating on the fly and had issues with some of the mechanics and wording such as "activating." Sean had issues with "standard mount" and what that means. Plus we thought the way you handled the negative level was wonky. There were better ways to do it.
That makes sense. I know the phrase "standard mount" made perfect sense to me at the time, but looking back, I don't have a clue what it means either. I didn't think templating on the fly would be quite such an issue, since I figured it would be more a PC item, and, based on players I know, they would probably have a whole special page of stats pre-written out to use when Flicka goes all Hulk. (Chomping at the bit for the chance to use it, so to speak.)
The negative level thing was kind of an afterthought, and I now wish I had spent more time coming up with something better. I had a notion that I didn't want the item abused to be making Celestial Red Dragon mounts. In the end I just basically adapted the "bad stuff happens to bad people" language from the Holy weapon description. Perhaps it would have been cooler if it worked w/ evil creatures too though?
Thanks again for all the feedback! (It was actually a lot gentler than I expected...)
We felt this was a little gonzo and the writing was over the top and not in a good way. We ALL agreed the mechanics are whack. I liked the idea and Sean liked the flavor. But the execution, the over the top writing and the really difficult mechanic description held this one down. This was an example of one of our "good idea, but had to reject, and its too bad, too..." items that we had this year.Any feedback would be much appreciated. My skin is pretty thick, so criticise away.... :)
Thanks
Cat
DREAM CUTTERS
Aura Moderate Enchantment; CL 7th
Slot --; Price 28,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lbDESCRIPTION
Forged with one black blade and one white blade, these adamantine scissors are said to cut hope from despair, joy from sorrow and success from failure. Held in the right hand, the cutters function as a non-magical cutting implement, dealing damage as an improvised dagger and are commonly used on chains, manacles, bolts, padlocks and thin bars. If held in the left hand and snipped in the air as a swift action, the cutters can cut dreams and nightmares out of thin air. Snipped with the black blade uppermost, the cutters throw up to 7 creatures of the user’s choice (This is a 1/day mind-affecting effect; maximum range: 100 feet; Will Save DC14 negates) into a nightmare, leaving them confused for the next 1d6+1 rounds. Snipped white blade uppermost, they fill up to 7 creatures (with the same limitations) with daydreams of success and power, giving them a +2 morale bonus to saving throws, attack rolls and skill checks for the next 1d6+1 minutes.CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, confusion, good hope; Skill Craft (blacksmithing); Cost 14,000 gp
Thanks Clark. That'll teach me to try and compensate for submitting a bland spell-in-a-box last year - looks like I went too much the other way.
Oh well, next year I'l have to try and hit somewhere in the middle and hope it's third time lucky.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6
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Thanks Clark. That'll teach me to try and compensate for submitting a bland spell-in-a-box last year - looks like I went too much the other way.Oh well, next year I'l have to try and hit...
The first one was too bland, and the second one was too gonzo. But the third one...
I liked it CD, but then I like purple prose ;-)
Oh Zombie, this was yours! Cool.
Wolfgang LOVED this item. He loved the idea of undead lapping up this stuff.
Two things held you down. First, the mechanics are wonky. There were issues with range of the effect and what happens if multiple undead are affected and some other issues. And second, there are some real significant grammar issues. The writing, we felt, was subpar beyond simply some editorial fixes. This needed a pretty significant editorial pass that just wasnt Superstar.
But that said, all of us felt that you were trying to create an item that was truly wondrous, that you have a lot going on creatively and we all wanted to see what you could do in the next round. The problem was that, compared to other entries, the mechanics and the grammar and writing issues couldnt permit it to advance. Wolf though it was cool and possibly, just on coolness, good enough for top 32. It was Sean and I that said no. Sorry about that. But you are real close here. This is a big idea, and we love those. Its easier to fix mechanic issues and writing issues than it is to teach someone to have big ideas who doesnt have them. So please keep it up.
Firstly, the two mechanical things that you mentioned. range was ment to be perception. If they can see or smell it directly, they are affected. I throught that was clear, but rereading it i guess it really isn't. Affect of numerous monsters, boils down to divide five minites by number off undead. That is decision I'll stand by as it should be a logical conclusion for anyone and other duration mechanics seemed overly chunky and would have gone over word count.
Now to the Gramar issues, I have to take complete responciblity for that. I literally can't gramar issues in my own writing, i don't understand them and they all but make my ears bleed when i try to learn how to deal with them. I have been taught the rules of gramar over and over again, but i just cant understand them. All thanks to a misfiring brain.
But the irony is, i...
I for one am proud of you for submitting your entry. Just remember that EVERYONE has problems. Just some problems are more visible than others. A truely brave person realizes their limitations and asks for help while at the same time working on fixing those limitations. You get a good grade in my book for just submitting! Keep up the good work!
By the way, I really respect how cool everyone is being about feedback. You have to understand, most people arent this good about negative feedback. People dont like to hear how they didnt make it. It says alot about this community that we can have a discussion like this.
And please remember, when I offer comments about your item I am not criticizing you as a person or your creativity or anything. I am only commenting on that specific item. That's all. In fact, the very fact that you submitted and are now here seeking feedback says more positive about you than any comments I might make here negatively about an item ever could.
So keep that in mind and thanks for being so cool and positive about this feedback process.
Oh, and holy cow there are alot of them :) I didnt think I'd get so many... This may take me a while. But hang in there. I'll get to them eventually. :)
Clark, a person can't learn if they don't have someone say "Hey, this is what you did wrong!". I for one hope to be able to submit something for next years RPG Superstar myself. If I don't make it, then I will want you to review it. I will go cry in the corner for a bit before learning my lesson and doing better next time! Just keep up the good work and thanks for being honest about what you have reviewed! Plus, the people who have not submitted anything (guilty as charged!) have learned a lot from what you have written!
I'll let Clark give you actual feedback, but I'll tell you this—as soon as I learned that an 8-year-old entered the contest, I took a peek at what the judges had said.
Clark, can you please give me feedback?
It was fun joining this yearGloves of the Elements
I'm still in shock. 8 years old. I cant even imagine that. Amazing.
Come on, give it up for "the kid"!
Amen! Both Nerrat Dei and his Dad are pretty cool people!
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Marathon Voter Season 6
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I didnt get to review this one. Sean and Wolf had already reviewed it and rejected it. I happen to agree with them. Too much money. Various scrying spells cover this ground. And a scroll of clairvoyance is cheapter and faster to use. You always want to make sure that your item is not beaten in usefulness by a scroll of the same spell or set of spells. Now, sure, the bugs are reusable and a scroll isnt. But for 3500 I get nearly 10 such scrolls. And I would pay a bit more to be able to scry faster.Skitter Scouts
Aura faint conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 3,500gp; Weight -Description:
Skitter Scouts appear to be just a big jar filled with fine bugs such as ticks or fleas. When released near a door crack or otherwise near a room entrance the bugs will filter out and into the room. After about two minutes the bugs return and form themselves into a map of the room. The map contains a general layout of the room as well as bugs forming the general shapes of any creatures in the room.
The entire process takes about five minutes. Thirty seconds for the bugs to get out of the jar, two minutes for them to explore the room, two minutes of viewing the map and thirty seconds for them to return to jar. As long as the process goes uninterrupted the skitter scouts are reusable.Construction:
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Swarm, 1,750gpDon't hold back on any criticism =p
Wow, I'm glad I didn't go with what the formula told me to use (like 30k). The price was the big thing I was worried about, and I dropped it to about a price range for the level I expected players to get it at. Maybe 1.5k would've been better. The time was intended to balance it and prevent players from using it at every single door they came to. Thanks for the critique. Now to get crackin on the PFS Open Call.
Just to check, are you just going through the items in the order their requests were posted? I'm pretty sure that's what you're doing, but I can't quite tell. This warthog think good...Yes, except for my occasional use of executive privilege to take one out of order :) Like the one by the 8 year old kid. How amazing is that?
You had earlier stated that you wouldn't necessarily answer all of our requests. So, if you have skipped one, should we assume you aren't going to get to it? (Mine was a few before the Gloves of Kindling, which you've already gotten to...so I'm curious.)
Thanks!
And Nerrat. Just, wow. Quick put an age limit on Superstar so I have a shot next year! ;-)
How about Paizo creates an entirely different category/contest for aspiring designers under the age of, oh, say fifteen, and give the judges even MORE work to do? (...wrote the guy who slept in and got a full 7 hours of sleep last night...)
I didnt like this. Wolf loved it. It was top 62 but not golden ticketed.I will also ask for feedback for my item:
Marble of Seeing (Around Corners):
Aura faint divination; CL 5th;
Slot -; Price 375 gp; Weight -Description
This tiny crystal sphere, after being pressed to one's forehead for a round, allows the user to see through it for ten rounds. This item does not allow magically or supernaturally enhanced senses to work through it, but allows for a 360o range of vision from the perspective of the marble. The marble can be rolled, hurled or dropped, but the connection is broken if the marble is farther then 90' from the user. As a tiny object, it takes a spot check DC18 to be noticed by others. At the end of the duration, or if the connection is broken due to distance, the marble immediately dissolves.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Clairvoyance; Cost 187.5gp;
Thanks for the input. I'm glad that Wolf loved it, and honored to make the 62.
Carry on the great work!|
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I didnt like this. Wolf loved it. It was top 62 but not golden ticketed.I will also ask for feedback for my item:
Marble of Seeing (Around Corners):
Aura faint divination; CL 5th;
Slot -; Price 375 gp; Weight -Description
This tiny crystal sphere, after being pressed to one's forehead for a round, allows the user to see through it for ten rounds. This item does not allow magically or supernaturally enhanced senses to work through it, but allows for a 360o range of vision from the perspective of the marble. The marble can be rolled, hurled or dropped, but the connection is broken if the marble is farther then 90' from the user. As a tiny object, it takes a spot check DC18 to be noticed by others. At the end of the duration, or if the connection is broken due to distance, the marble immediately dissolves.Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Clairvoyance; Cost 187.5gp;
Thanks for the input. I'm glad that Wolf loved it, and honored to make the 62.
Carry on the great work!
this items so much reminds me of amore technological item used bythe main character in Doomsday...
nice item... it makes me thing in something an NPC needs