Who could whup Conan?


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Liberty's Edge

Way. Didn't you read the latest 'Sellswords' novel? It happened about fifty billion times. I swear, when Salvatore finds an OK plot device, he overuses it to death.

Liberty's Edge

I think I read the 1,000 orcs and that's about it. I read some of the Dark Sun novels, and a Gord the Rogue. I don't get into the campaign world novels too much really.

Liberty's Edge

In 'Road of the Patriarch,' Jarlaxle's chaotic evil psionicist buddy Kimmuriel used Kinetic Barrier to protect Entreri thoroughout much of the novel.
*spoiler warning*
In fact, in the end, some half-elf chick named Calihye gets blasted through the window of the highest tower of Bloodstone Castle becuse she tried to stab Entreri.

So, yes, Conan could be defeated by Entreri, but only using a hackneyed plot device. In 1-on-1 combat, it would be an even draw.

-Mr. Shiny

Are the Dark Sun novels still in print? I'm a huge fan.

Liberty's Edge

I don't think they're in print, but I don't know. I see them now and again at used bookstores.
I borrowed a passel from a friend a long time ago when we were getting some Dark Sun action going, so I'd know what exactly to expect from the campaign world.

Liberty's Edge

Gnarly. I'll start lookin'

Liberty's Edge

Conan could whup that Deinosuchus on the cover of Dungeon #145.


Heathansson wrote:
Conan could whup that Deinosuchus on the cover of Dungeon #145.

He'd make some nice boots, and stylish vest out of its hide, too.

One of its teeth would make a rockin choker, perhaps with a diamond in-set.

Liberty's Edge

Conan could whup Malcanthet.


Heathansson wrote:
Conan could whup Malcanthet.

And she'd like it! >:D

Liberty's Edge

Crom...
(Cimmerian for lol)


Adrian (Ozymandias) Veidt would whup Conan and then feed the scraps to his cat.

V would put a knif into Conan's chest before the big lout could draw his sword.

Homer Simpson would beat Conan. If burning, crushing, piranha, electrocution, radiation and falls from 1,000 feet up could not kill Homer than Conan could not either.

Liberty's Edge

But Adrian's a girl's name! Sorry, no way he'd whup Conan.

The Exchange

Adrian is most definately a boy's name. Only a dog could get that wrong.

Liberty's Edge

I quote: "Yo, Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
Game, set, and match.
;)

Liberty's Edge

I just saw some of that Riddick guy last night.
I think he might give Conan a run fer his money, but he'd lose in the end. Or he could be genetically infused with Conan's dna; it's sci fi afterall. So it could be a case of Conan beating himself.


Fizzban could beat Conan. Why is everybody so big on that Red Headed guy from late night anyway?:p

Liberty's Edge

secretturchinman wrote:
Fizzban could beat Conan. Why is everybody so big on that Red Headed guy from late night anyway?:p

He's tough, dude.

Liberty's Edge

Heathansson wrote:


He's tough, dude.

Tougher than you could ever imagine.


The Starbrand from Marvel's old Epic line could beat Conan. The wielder of the brand is only limited by his own imagination.


secretturchinman wrote:
. . . The wielder of the brand is only limited by his own imagination.

The word "limited" is the key.

Conan would flash a smile and throw a quick nod of his head and your man would bow down and give his life.

Never forget the riddle of steel !

Crom

Liberty's Edge

Starbrand would imagine he was Conan...and whup his own arse.


The riddle of steel:

"What is the greatest joy known to steel?"

Answer:

"Taking a ride on the ferrous wheel."


Hmm . . . what about Serpentor? But only if that goon Mindbender managed to procure Conan, Kull, Bran Mac Morn, and Solomon Kane's DNA into the mix with goofs like Nepolian.*

Nah, I doubt it. Serpentor sucked no matter whose DNA he had in him (er, that didn't sound right).

*Note, this particular reality only valid during the time period when both Serpentor and Conan were licenced characters published by Marvel Comics . . . we now return you to your regularly scheduled speculation thread.

Liberty's Edge

KnightErrantJR wrote:

Hmm . . . what about Serpentor? But only if that goon Mindbender managed to procure Conan, Kull, Bran Mac Morn, and Solomon Kane's DNA into the mix with goofs like Nepolian.*

Nah, I doubt it. Serpentor sucked no matter whose DNA he had in him (er, that didn't sound right).

*Note, this particular reality only valid during the time period when both Serpentor and Conan were licenced characters published by Marvel Comics . . . we now return you to your regularly scheduled speculation thread.

Thankyou very much. I had all but forgotten about Serpentor until you just mentioned him. Guess the 80's had their dark side too. Yah. Rose-colored nostalgia glasses.


Serpentor?!? "I am the lamest cartoon Villan ever, this I command!"


I want to see *this* movie:

Storming the capital city and slaying King Numedides
on the steps of his throne -- which he promptly
takes for his own -- Conan, now in his early or mid-forties,
finds himself the king of the greatest of the
Hyborian nations.

A king's life, however, proves no bed of houris.
Within the year, the minstrel Rinaldo is chanting
defiant ballads in praise of the "martyred" Numedides.
Ascalante, Count of Thune, is gathering a
group of plotters to topple the barbarian from his
throne. Conan finds that people have short memories,
and that he, too, suffers from the uneasiness of
head that goes with a crown.


Valegrim wrote:
Fencing is all fine and well, but there is a reason that fencing blades are not used in war; . . .

Yay, it is called, "Don't Ask, and Don't Tell."

Liberty's Edge

Conan'd wupp hell outta Sho Kosugi.

Liberty's Edge

Tenacious D could DESTROY Conan. YOU CAN'T KILL THE METAL!


Heathansson wrote:
Conan'd wupp hell outta Sho Kosugi.

Errol Flynn, too?


The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
Tenacious D could DESTROY Conan. YOU CAN'T KILL THE METAL!

Conan walks down a busy side street. Before him, TenDee walks up with his guitar slung across his back.

Conan nods, "I really like your music TenDee”

“Thanks, Conan! That is really nice of you to say.” Pauses. His eyes darken and he swings his guitar to the front in an instant of flashing light. “I have been sent here to whup you Conan. Prepare to Die!”

TenDee steps wide getting into a power stance. He is going to blast Conan from existence with his greatest tool, his music. Dark mangy bangs cover his eyes as he raises his hand, pick at the ready for the down stroke and victory.

Conan, instinctively, had already stepped to the side slightly as TenDee approached. This had the effect of putting his body between onlookers and TenDee, and TenDee between himself and a sooty, weather worn wall. For the casual observer from behind all one can see is Conan’s cobra V-shaped back. TenDee is boxed in, hidden from view, and on Conan’s killing ground.

Starting with a scream TenDee rips his pick down for the power chord.

“YOU CAN’T KILL ROCK … “ (chunk…thwap)

TenDee, “Hey, why am I on the ground… wait why is my body standing there with a gout of blood coming from a severed neck. Conan has chopped my head off and I didn’t even see him move….”

Waiting for the body to realize it no longer has a head and fall to the ground, Conan slowly paces away. A quick glance over his shoulder tells him no bystanders saw the attack.

He flips out his mp3 player, and punches up TenDee. Conan likes his music.

Liberty's Edge

Eroll Flynn? That primping dandelion? Sheesh!!!

Tenacious D? Uggggh. Conan would drop him on a giant slug and waste them both.

Liberty's Edge

Tenacious D is two dudes. Not that that's likely to change the outcome of your story!

Yeah, Conan would like Tenacious D's music.

I don't think Conan would like mp3 players though. Foul sorcery and all that...

Liberty's Edge

Did you see Twins?!?
"Take out the garbage and the trash,
Or you don't get no spending cash!
Yakkity Yak! Don't talk back!"

"I really love this music!!!"

Liberty's Edge

heh. Yup.

Liberty's Edge

Conan vs. Chuck Norris = Epic

Grand Lodge

And think of the clothing possibilities!


What about Dirty Harry? He's skinny but dang, he's mean!

Liberty's Edge

But Conan is feeling lucky


Tensor wrote:
The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
Tenacious D could DESTROY Conan. YOU CAN'T KILL THE METAL!

Conan walks down a busy side street. Before him, TenDee walks up with his guitar slung across his back.

Conan nods, "I really like your music TenDee”

“Thanks, Conan! That is really nice of you to say.” Pauses. His eyes darken and he swings his guitar to the front in an instant of flashing light. “I have been sent here to whup you Conan. Prepare to Die!”

TenDee steps wide getting into a power stance. He is going to blast Conan from existence with his greatest tool, his music. Dark mangy bangs cover his eyes as he raises his hand, pick at the ready for the down stroke and victory.

Conan, instinctively, had already stepped to the side slightly as TenDee approached. This had the effect of putting his body between onlookers and TenDee, and TenDee between himself and a sooty, weather worn wall. For the casual observer from behind all one can see is Conan’s cobra V-shaped back. TenDee is boxed in, hidden from view, and on Conan’s killing ground.

Starting with a scream TenDee rips his pick down for the power chord.

“YOU CAN’T KILL ROCK … “ (chunk…thwap)

TenDee, “Hey, why am I on the ground… wait why is my body standing there with a gout of blood coming from a severed neck. Conan has chopped my head off and I didn’t even see him move….”

Waiting for the body to realize it no longer has a head and fall to the ground, Conan slowly paces away. A quick glance over his shoulder tells him no bystanders saw the attack.

He flips out his mp3 player, and punches up TenDee. Conan likes his music.

However, Conan has forgotten about the two other band members...

While Conan is busy with his mp3 player, two shadowy figures step out of a firy portal.

Lead singer/guitarist Jack Black is dead.

Lead guitarist/vocalist Kyle Gass and session drummer/vocalist Dave Grohl live on...

KaGe uses the power of his shiny bald head to blind the Cimmerian as Dave uses his demonic gravelly voice to deafen Conan.

Kyle then uses his siiiick finishing move: the Massive Beer Gut Slam.

Nothing is left of Conan but a pool of blood.

Kyle and Dave then use their abyssal powers to resurrect JB, and the three depart back to their flaming studio for much- needed ganja break.

Liberty's Edge

How bout Nacho Libre's rasslin partner?!?


Strongbad would whup Conan without even having to get up from his chair.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/

Scarab Sages

Bill Lumberg wrote:

Strongbad would whup Conan without even having to get up from his chair.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/

I don't know about Strongbad, but definately Trogdor.


Corvin Kilgannon wrote:


However, Conan has forgotten about the two other band members...
...then uses his siiiick finishing move: the Massive Beer Gut Slam....

Epilogue:

The virtual reality machine clicks off. The air is steamy. The drummer leans close to his lips.

"Let's go again, this time you be Conan and let me 'whup' you."

---
Ha, you can fantisize about Conan, but you can never touch him.


Valegrim wrote:
... Conan would have no chance, none; think of any hero in any of the games and Galahad could beat them all...He is a saint and has several holy icons of power, armor, sword, the grail; only he among the living can sit on the Siege Perilous. His power and might are without match among mortals.

Conan would have no chance of not laughing at the girly man. Galahad is a sinner, a betrayer and surely one of satan's finest. It is obvious because he is trying too hard and that gives it away my main man.

Conan would grab him by the throat and bend him backward into water and watch him drown.

Crom!

Liberty's Edge

C'mon. Galahad?
Pshaw...


yep; that would be the sound of Galahad's sword taking Conan's head right off his shoulders.

Liberty's Edge

Conan would punch Galahad's horse, knocking him over and leaving the heavily armored Galahad as helpless as an overturned tortoise. He would dispose of him at his leisure.


Tensor wrote:
Corvin Kilgannon wrote:


However, Conan has forgotten about the two other band members...
...then uses his siiiick finishing move: the Massive Beer Gut Slam....

Epilogue:

The virtual reality machine clicks off. The air is steamy. The drummer leans close to his lips.

"Let's go again, this time you be Conan and let me 'whup' you."

---
Ha, you can fantisize about Conan, but you can never touch him.

AAAAH! MY BURNING EYES!

Liberty's Edge

300!!!

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