Dr G House MD, DDS, DVM's page

Here I am.

Examines Mr. Grinch
Hmm.
Contusion on the head.
Some swelling.
Looks like a sub-dermal hematoma.
I am going to have to extract the blood.
This may hurt.

Sticks needle into hematoma

Sluuurp

There.
Take one of these every 3 hours.

Gives Mr. Grinch pain medicine

Come see me in the morning.

Banned for stealing Schism's energy.

Thank you Count.

Puts the egg in the magic incubator to keep it warm.

Examines the eggs
Hm. Better hurry Count, a few of them are getting dangerously close to being too cold to survive.

examines the cutout
He has been flattened.

*Looks at the body
He's dead, Jim.

*Suddenly appears out of nowhere.

I was told there was an emergency here.
Someone needs their stomach pumped?

The Plague.

Lost days at work due to flu: 1d100 ⇒ 19

If you mean your *little problem, there is nothing to be done.

I almost forgot; start eating mint leaves every day to take care of that halitosis problem.

I can work these 2 in now, but you will have to make appointments for the rest. Depending on the day, I can probably see maybe 3, unless an emergency comes up like that unicorn where some goblin snuck up and cut off its horn while it was distracted by the pretty princess.

Okay Claw, hop on this table and lets see how you are.

*Some 10 minutes of hm's and ah's later.
For the most part Claw is okay, but he does seem to have some anxiety issues that has raised his blood pressure. I recommend a week long vacation in the jungle. Let him relax by climbing trees and make sure he eats some leaves of the juniper trees. They are very relaxing.

Your turn Trillion.

*Some more hm's and ah's later.
You are still over weight. Have you been eating more than once a week? Three heads do not mean 3 meals.
You also need to run around after eating instead of lying down to sleep. Get the juices flowing.
I also noticed some brown spots on your teeth after I cleaned the blood off. Looks like you have a calcium deficiency. Easy fix. You need to drink fresh unpasteurized blue Bantha milk. You will need to drink 1 gallon a day for the next month and 2 gallons a week for the next 5 months.
This needs to come straight from the Bantha, so you will need to keep it alive and milk it.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to do a tonsillectomy on a giraffe.

Ah, Dr G House, thank goodness you're here! Yes, I called you.

*Points to Schism, Pulg and Vidmaster7.*

Those three need emergency lobotomies right away!

Sorry, but Pulg is all hair, Vidmaster 7 has that regeneration going on, and Schism never had a brain to begin with.

Someone called?

386. The Plague.

I...*heeheeheehee*...hear you have *titter* vacancies among your chemistry, astronomy *IA!*, *CH-CH-CH-CH/ah-ah-ah-ah* culinary arts, and *fhfhfhfhfh* medical psychology departments???

The medical department is under my control.

KG got kicked out of culinary school not for poisoning the faculty, but for [Redacted]. I was one of the first-respoders, so I know what I am talking about.

KahnyaGnorc was the Head Librarian.

Patient not killed today: 1d100 ⇒ 98

I'm Hiding In Your embassy's Closet...and it's about damned time I was allowed to SEE A DOCTOR!

*idly ruffles through the clothes*

Heyyy, look at all these chic vests! Yellow is just totally not my color, though....

Sorry I'm late, I had to perform emergency surgery on a dire walrus with a toothache.

I have a cure for that.

An elf with a demented reindeer up her backside, and all-you-can-eat waffles.

Ninja'd :(

Everything.

Oh, sure, take your beasts to the quack instead of someone who studied for years to make sure they stay healthy and strong.

Since none of them have their internal organs anymore, I'm afraid your only option is animated objects.

Now was that very nice?

I'm a doctor.

How long have you had this fear of water?

Very well.

*Puts both hands under the ultra-violet light, waits 10 minutes, then pulls them out.*

Amazing! Not only are my nails neatly trimmed, they are also brilliantly polished to absolute perfection! Thank you, Dr G House, how much money do I owe you?

Not much. Just a pint of your blood.

I have a treatment for that.
Just put your hand under this ultra-violet light for 10 minutes and your problem will be gone.

Come in. Come in.

Now what seems to be the problem?

IHIYC and GoatToucher are going into business together.

Since this is a pan-galactic tour, will you be bringing any Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters?

Angry Little Guy is banned for making me snort my drink out my nose.

The count is actually a ketchup bottle drinker.

Dr. Sigmund is banned for that cheesy handlebar mustache; also the ruffles which are so last year.

JYAC is banned for being afraid to say the word banned.

...Agent 96

At least it wasn't the Relaxing Couch.

DOH!

If I took any more, I would have killed him.

He mistakenly came into my lobotomy clinic instead of my dental clinic.

KK is banned for giving alcohol to miners.

Questions:

1. I hear you crashed landed into GoatToucher's playroom. What would you say of your experience?
2. I hear he offered you permanent membership in his club?
3. What happened to the stuff you were taking to the Bake Sale?

Answers:

1. The opposite of maybe.
2. Around the bend.
3. The Bird.

Sure, I transplant his old one onto you.

I can give him a new one.

I say, that is not cricket.

Molten Dragon is banned for accusing me of wearing a mask.

Molten Dragon was born in the 80's. Thus, Banned.