The Unoffical JMD031 Bad Pun Countdown Thread


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Could you call an impolite male chef who runs a clothing-optional restaurant a rude nude food dude?


Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

Two spelunkers were exploring a cave and came upon a huge rock with an old wrought iron lever attached to it. Engraved into the rock were the words: "Pull this lever to make the world end." Nate wanted to pull the lever just to see what would happen, but Sam a pessimist, advised against it.

Ignoring her warning, Nate lunged for the lever; Sam clunked him on the head with her flashlight, knocking him out cold, since, after all, better Nate than lever.


Kind of disappointing after the overly-long one I'm used to seeing that starts "So there's a man crawling through the desert..."


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Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber
Orthos wrote:
Kind of disappointing after the overly-long one I'm used to seeing that starts "So there's a man crawling through the desert..."

Now that I've seen that, I can't un-see it. O.o


At my local bakery, there works a particularly short man named Peter. Peter worked very hard and was recently put in charge of making flatbread. He really loves this job, and his love for it is infectious. Honestly, I could listen to him go on and on about it all day.

Yessir, there's nothing like hearing the pita patter of little Pete.


Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon.

He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


A termite with no teeth walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"


A pirate walks into a bar with the wheel from his ship hanging from his belt buckle. The bartender gives him a strange look and asks what's with the wheel. The pirate responds:

"Arrrr, matey, it's drivin' me nuts."


I know a girl who has incredible, smooth, unblemished skin. I asked her what her secret was, and she told me every day, she soaks in a tub of milk.

"Pasteurized?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "just up to the knees."


I used to date a cross-eyed girl, but had to break up with her. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.


Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber
gran rey de los mono wrote:
I used to date a cross-eyed girl, but had to break up with her. Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

She'd have made a lousy teacher, too, as she couldn't control her pupils.


I'm just going to leave this here...


YAAR, thar be somethin' fishy aboot this song.


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Would a furious assault conducted by well-trained corgis be referred to as "Shock and Awww"?


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Are plastic shrubs considered fauxliage?


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"Hey, can you tell me the name of the throwing star used by Japan's famously deadly ninjas?"

"Shuriken. Can you tell me what Napoleon's ethnicity was?"

"Corsican. Wow, is that a woolen bugle you've got there?"

"Darn tootin'"


If actress Olivia opened a locksmith shop, would she call it "Munn-key Business".


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Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!

'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'

Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!

"HELLO, SISSYL"

'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me

YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"

Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,

Spoiler:
"Never go up against a Sissyl, Ian, when DEATH is on the line!!"


Why couldn't the pianist open the musical lock?

He had the wrong key.


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What is JMD031's least favorite fairy tale?

RaPUNzel.


Did you hear about Mr. Potato Head's health problems? Yeah, he's got tuber-culosis.


Pulg wrote:

Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!

'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'

Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!

"HELLO, SISSYL"

'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me

YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"

Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,

** spoiler omitted **

The only thing that breaks my immersion is the idea that people would be refreshed by drinking Heineken. Or that people would willingly drink Heineken.


Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
Pulg wrote:

Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!

'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'

Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!

"HELLO, SISSYL"

'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me

YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"

Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,

** spoiler omitted **

The only thing that breaks my immersion is the idea that people would be refreshed by drinking Heineken. Or that people would willingly drink Heineken.

Heinekek refreshes the part of the brain that tells you, "I am not refreshed by drinking this."


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Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
Pulg wrote:

Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!

'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'

Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!

"HELLO, SISSYL"

'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me

YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"

Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,

** spoiler omitted **

The only thing that breaks my immersion is the idea that people would be refreshed by drinking Heineken. Or that people would willingly drink Heineken.

Also that us Swedes don't pronounce Y:s like that (yet).


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Say one thing for Treebeard. Say that his bark is much worse than his bite.

-From Joe Abercrombie's rewrite of The Two Towers


1: Hey, is that gift from your new boyfriend? The one who runs a Jewish Deli?
2: Yep, isn't it great!
1: Why is there a potato filled pastry stuck on the outside?
2: It's SWAK--Sealed With A Knish.


1: Did you hear that the local convent has some eagles nesting on a window ledge? They're letting people come and look at the eggs through the window, but charge $50 per person! That's outrageous!

2: Yep. High fee to a nun aerie, I feel ya.


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Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
Floridaries
Kajehase wrote:
Swedishisms

Now, all this is good advice, and had I known it in advance, my... joke? would have been much more carefully constructed. As it is, it's shutting your stubble in the door after Usain has Bolted, I'm afraid.


Limeylongears wrote:
Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
Floridaries
Kajehase wrote:
Swedishisms
Now, all this is good advice, and had I known it in advance, my... joke? would have been much more carefully constructed. As it is, it's shutting your stubble in the door after Usain has Bolted, I'm afraid.

Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh, you said Heine. [/Butthead]


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{turns Freehold's cardboard box Weather Dominator on its side: Viola! Now it's the Pun Star}

How do mathematicians communicate?
Sine language.

How do hyperbolic mathematicians communicate?
Hypersine language.

How do biblical prophets communicate?
Heavenly Sign language.

How do astrologers communicate?
Star Sign language.

How did the Israelites in the Promised Land communicate?
Zion language.

How do picketing traffic engineers communicate?
Sign language.

How do naval cadets communicate?
Ensign language.

How do couturiers communicate?
Design language.

How do lighthouse keepers communicate?
Shine language.

How do real estate closers communicate?
Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign... language.

How does everyone communicate on December 31st?
Auld Lang Syne-uage.

How did Gertrude communicate at the Bavarian Oktoberfest?
She used Stein language.

How do heirs communicate?
Scion language.

How do lovers communicate?
Sighin' language.

How do tech writers talk?
Manually.


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The following conversation occurred at tonight's game:

K: This isn't a democracy, this is a dictatorship!

GRdlM: Exactly, this is like living in a boat full of sex toys and potatoes.

K: Wait...what?

GRdlM: Sex toys and potatoes on a boat. You know, dick-tater-ship.

K: I hate you.


I decided to get into the screenwriting business, but having no talent made that pretty difficult. Therefore, I decided to hire a bunch of employees to write the scripts for me. But people are too expensive, so I hired animals instead.

The horse was the first to turn in a script. It was ok, and I was tempted, but in the end I had to say neigh.

Next was the cow. Again, a decent script, but I asked for a TV show and she gave me a moo-vie.

The snake's first draft had too much skin, so I told him to shed it.

The elephant's script was fantastic. I'm sure it will really pachyderm the theaters.

The fish's script had so many spelling and grammar errors that I sent him back to school.

I had high hopes for the chimp's script, but it turned out she was monkeying around instead of writing.

The sheep's script was plagiarized. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.

Obviously, the skunk's script just stunk.

I hired a puppy as well, but she just piddled on the paper.


gran rey de los mono wrote:

I decided to get into the screenwriting business, but having no talent made that pretty difficult. Therefore, I decided to hire a bunch of employees to write the scripts for me. But people are too expensive, so I hired animals instead.

The horse was the first to turn in a script. It was ok, and I was tempted, but in the end I had to say neigh.

Next was the cow. Again, a decent script, but I asked for a TV show and she gave me a moo-vie.

The snake's first draft had too much skin, so I told him to shed it.

The elephant's script was fantastic. I'm sure it will really pachyderm the theaters.

The fish's script had so many spelling and grammar errors that I sent him back to school.

I had high hopes for the chimp's script, but it turned out she was monkeying around instead of writing.

The sheep's script was plagiarized. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.

Obviously, the skunk's script just stunk.

I hired a puppy as well, but she just piddled on the paper.

Hiss!


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Reportedly when Martina Navratilova defected to the US, she asked the Government if they would cache a Czech.


I think what JMD031 wants for a New Year's gift is some excerpts from the GUM Specialists Book, Song and Film Club, as presided over by Prof. Uri Nathans.

Herpes? Go bananas!
and the follow-up, Herpes I Got In Monte Carlo
Chlamydia you-know-where (hey hey hey!)
There's a kind of thrush (ssh!) all over the [redacted]
Gonorrhea in 60 seconds
Look at me, an STD (lousy? with virginity?)
A Tale of Two STDs
Howl's Moving Catheter
The (Genital) Warts of Three Kingdoms.


From the fans of Scott Lynch:
What do you call Barsavi wearing khaki trousers?


If you get hurt when a bookcase fell on you, would those be considered shelf-inflicted injuries?


Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"


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A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store.
When the store opened, a client came in, and asked one of the clerics:
"Are you the fish fryer?"
To which the cleric replied:
"No, I'm the chip monk!"


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gran rey de los mono wrote:
Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"

Ugh, that was brewtal, barley a pun, and quite possible the wort I've ever seen. I'm dredding your next pun.

At least with a Schwarzenegger theme, you could say something like "It'll terminate your thirst" or "I'll be bock".


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gran rey de los mono wrote:
Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"

Or we could make him look like a cross between Judge Dredd and a florescent dragonfly and get him to advertise our fishing supplies business by announcing 'I AM THE LURE!'

Or give him a big Celtic bugle and make him shout 'I AM THE LUR!'

Or float him in a French river - 'I AM THE LOIRE!'

Etc, etc.


Limeylongears wrote:
gran rey de los mono wrote:
Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"

Or we could make him look like a cross between Judge Dredd and a florescent dragonfly and get him to advertise our fishing supplies business by announcing 'I AM THE LURE!'

Or give him a big Celtic bugle and make him shout 'I AM THE LUR!'

Or float him in a French river - 'I AM THE LOIRE!'

Etc, etc.

If he was undercover in a Deli, would he say "This is the SLAW"

If he won a toy from a coin-op machine, "I am the CLAW!"

As a member of Voltron, "I am the PAW!"


Vod Canockers wrote:
Limeylongears wrote:
gran rey de los mono wrote:
Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"

Or we could make him look like a cross between Judge Dredd and a florescent dragonfly and get him to advertise our fishing supplies business by announcing 'I AM THE LURE!'

Or give him a big Celtic bugle and make him shout 'I AM THE LUR!'

Or float him in a French river - 'I AM THE LOIRE!'

Etc, etc.

If he was undercover in a Deli, would he say "This is the SLAW"

If he won a toy from a coin-op machine, "I am the CLAW!"

As a member of Voltron, "I am the PAW!"

After taking a paternity test, "I am the Pa!"


When my wife was with child, I started referring to her as "Spaghetti Sauce". When people asked me why I called her that, I said "Because she's Prego."


Schmorgan Heckengaard wrote:
When my wife was with child, I started referring to her as "Spaghetti Sauce". When people asked me why I called her that, I said "Because she's Prego."

Mama mia, that's some a-spicy meatball!

Børk! Børk! Børk!


I been covered in cabbage, I'm Swabian 'n' proud
I got a little pickle on my Pickelhaube, but I'm still,

Wilheim.

I get a rash on my freshly shaved man-garden
Every time I go to Baden Baden, but I'm still,

Wilheim.

AND I'VE BEEN FROM DRESDEN TO SCHLESWIG HOLSTEIN
I'VE FLOATED UP AND DOWN THE RHINE
I'VE EATEN EVERY KIND OF SAUSAGE THAT'S EVER BEEN MADE
BUSTED THE SCALES THE LAST TIME I GOT WEIGHED
AND IF YOU GIVE ME SPÄTLESE WINE
AND SOME GHERKINS IN BRINE
I'LL BE WILHEIM,
DIEFEURIGEENDEDERCREMEPOSAUNEDASSMUTTERÜBERREDETWALGRUMPGRENZENDEROBLIGATOR ISCHENKNACKIGENAPOKALYPTISCHENSCHNITTLAUCHKÄFIGZUÜBERWINDEN!


My friend entered the school talent show, but when it was his turn to perform he had stage fright and didn't go on. He was a great juggler, but he just didn't have the balls to do it.


For my turn at the talent show I did a theatrical performance on puns. Sounds impressive, right? Not really. It's just a play on words.


Italian food songbook.

Gnocc, Gnocc Gnocchi on Heaven's Door
Take a pizza, my heart!
I bake lasagne make-a da young girls cry
Only Bologna
She wore some itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot porcini
We gotta gelato this place!


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Paizo.

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