thunderspirit |
Two spelunkers were exploring a cave and came upon a huge rock with an old wrought iron lever attached to it. Engraved into the rock were the words: "Pull this lever to make the world end." Nate wanted to pull the lever just to see what would happen, but Sam a pessimist, advised against it.
Ignoring her warning, Nate lunged for the lever; Sam clunked him on the head with her flashlight, knocking him out cold, since, after all, better Nate than lever.
Orthos |
Kind of disappointing after the overly-long one I'm used to seeing that starts "So there's a man crawling through the desert..."
thunderspirit |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Kind of disappointing after the overly-long one I'm used to seeing that starts "So there's a man crawling through the desert..."
Now that I've seen that, I can't un-see it. O.o
Antimony |
At my local bakery, there works a particularly short man named Peter. Peter worked very hard and was recently put in charge of making flatbread. He really loves this job, and his love for it is infectious. Honestly, I could listen to him go on and on about it all day.
Yessir, there's nothing like hearing the pita patter of little Pete.
Pulg |
4 people marked this as a favorite. |
Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!
'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'
Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!
"HELLO, SISSYL"
'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me
YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"
Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,
Pillbug Toenibbler |
Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!
'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'
Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!
"HELLO, SISSYL"
'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me
YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"
Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,
** spoiler omitted **
The only thing that breaks my immersion is the idea that people would be refreshed by drinking Heineken. Or that people would willingly drink Heineken.
Tels |
Pulg wrote:The only thing that breaks my immersion is the idea that people would be refreshed by drinking Heineken. Or that people would willingly drink Heineken.Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!
'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'
Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!
"HELLO, SISSYL"
'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me
YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"
Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,
** spoiler omitted **
Heinekek refreshes the part of the brain that tells you, "I am not refreshed by drinking this."
Kajehase |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Pulg wrote:The only thing that breaks my immersion is the idea that people would be refreshed by drinking Heineken. Or that people would willingly drink Heineken.Paizo's own Sissyl was once on the final of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', playing against the cricketer Ian Botham. It was the very last round and the contestants were neck and neck. Ian had got his last question wrong - now it was Sissyl's turn. £1m was riding on her answer!
'Sissyl' , asked Chris Tarrant, 'Which lager refreshes the parts that others cannot reach?'
Sissyl looked stumped -Ian looked smug. He knew the answer! Then, Sissyl asked to phone a friend - and called the Boneyard!
"HELLO, SISSYL"
'Hello, Pharasma. Can you tell me
YES. THE ANSWER IS HEINEKEN"
Pharasma was correct! The crowd cheered wildly, Cricketer Botham looked furious, and Sissyl laughed delightedly and told him,
** spoiler omitted **
Also that us Swedes don't pronounce Y:s like that (yet).
Pillbug Toenibbler |
Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:FloridariesKajehase wrote:SwedishismsNow, all this is good advice, and had I known it in advance, my... joke? would have been much more carefully constructed. As it is, it's shutting your stubble in the door after Usain has Bolted, I'm afraid.
Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh, you said Heine. [/Butthead]
Pillbug Toenibbler |
4 people marked this as a favorite. |
{turns Freehold's cardboard box Weather Dominator on its side: Viola! Now it's the Pun Star}
How do mathematicians communicate?
Sine language.
How do hyperbolic mathematicians communicate?
Hypersine language.
How do biblical prophets communicate?
Heavenly Sign language.
How do astrologers communicate?
Star Sign language.
How did the Israelites in the Promised Land communicate?
Zion language.
How do picketing traffic engineers communicate?
Sign language.
How do naval cadets communicate?
Ensign language.
How do couturiers communicate?
Design language.
How do lighthouse keepers communicate?
Shine language.
How do real estate closers communicate?
Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign... language.
How does everyone communicate on December 31st?
Auld Lang Syne-uage.
How did Gertrude communicate at the Bavarian Oktoberfest?
She used Stein language.
How do heirs communicate?
Scion language.
How do lovers communicate?
Sighin' language.
How do tech writers talk?
Manually.
gran rey de los mono |
I decided to get into the screenwriting business, but having no talent made that pretty difficult. Therefore, I decided to hire a bunch of employees to write the scripts for me. But people are too expensive, so I hired animals instead.
The horse was the first to turn in a script. It was ok, and I was tempted, but in the end I had to say neigh.
Next was the cow. Again, a decent script, but I asked for a TV show and she gave me a moo-vie.
The snake's first draft had too much skin, so I told him to shed it.
The elephant's script was fantastic. I'm sure it will really pachyderm the theaters.
The fish's script had so many spelling and grammar errors that I sent him back to school.
I had high hopes for the chimp's script, but it turned out she was monkeying around instead of writing.
The sheep's script was plagiarized. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Obviously, the skunk's script just stunk.
I hired a puppy as well, but she just piddled on the paper.
Miss Kitty |
I decided to get into the screenwriting business, but having no talent made that pretty difficult. Therefore, I decided to hire a bunch of employees to write the scripts for me. But people are too expensive, so I hired animals instead.
The horse was the first to turn in a script. It was ok, and I was tempted, but in the end I had to say neigh.
Next was the cow. Again, a decent script, but I asked for a TV show and she gave me a moo-vie.
The snake's first draft had too much skin, so I told him to shed it.
The elephant's script was fantastic. I'm sure it will really pachyderm the theaters.
The fish's script had so many spelling and grammar errors that I sent him back to school.
I had high hopes for the chimp's script, but it turned out she was monkeying around instead of writing.
The sheep's script was plagiarized. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Obviously, the skunk's script just stunk.
I hired a puppy as well, but she just piddled on the paper.
Hiss!
Pulg |
I think what JMD031 wants for a New Year's gift is some excerpts from the GUM Specialists Book, Song and Film Club, as presided over by Prof. Uri Nathans.
Herpes? Go bananas!
and the follow-up, Herpes I Got In Monte Carlo
Chlamydia you-know-where (hey hey hey!)
There's a kind of thrush (ssh!) all over the [redacted]
Gonorrhea in 60 seconds
Look at me, an STD (lousy? with virginity?)
A Tale of Two STDs
Howl's Moving Catheter
The (Genital) Warts of Three Kingdoms.
Jack J. Jackson, Beer Delivery |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"
Ugh, that was brewtal, barley a pun, and quite possible the wort I've ever seen. I'm dredding your next pun.
At least with a Schwarzenegger theme, you could say something like "It'll terminate your thirst" or "I'll be bock".
Limeylongears |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"
Or we could make him look like a cross between Judge Dredd and a florescent dragonfly and get him to advertise our fishing supplies business by announcing 'I AM THE LURE!'
Or give him a big Celtic bugle and make him shout 'I AM THE LUR!'
Or float him in a French river - 'I AM THE LOIRE!'
Etc, etc.
Vod Canockers |
gran rey de los mono wrote:Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"Or we could make him look like a cross between Judge Dredd and a florescent dragonfly and get him to advertise our fishing supplies business by announcing 'I AM THE LURE!'
Or give him a big Celtic bugle and make him shout 'I AM THE LUR!'
Or float him in a French river - 'I AM THE LOIRE!'
Etc, etc.
If he was undercover in a Deli, would he say "This is the SLAW"
If he won a toy from a coin-op machine, "I am the CLAW!"
As a member of Voltron, "I am the PAW!"
gran rey de los mono |
Limeylongears wrote:gran rey de los mono wrote:Can we start a new beer company and hire Sylvester Stallone as the spokesman? We could dress him up in a futuristic cop uniform and have him proclaim "I am the law, and this is the lager!"Or we could make him look like a cross between Judge Dredd and a florescent dragonfly and get him to advertise our fishing supplies business by announcing 'I AM THE LURE!'
Or give him a big Celtic bugle and make him shout 'I AM THE LUR!'
Or float him in a French river - 'I AM THE LOIRE!'
Etc, etc.
If he was undercover in a Deli, would he say "This is the SLAW"
If he won a toy from a coin-op machine, "I am the CLAW!"
As a member of Voltron, "I am the PAW!"
After taking a paternity test, "I am the Pa!"
Kaiser Bill |
Wilheim.
I get a rash on my freshly shaved man-garden
Every time I go to Baden Baden, but I'm still,
Wilheim.
AND I'VE BEEN FROM DRESDEN TO SCHLESWIG HOLSTEIN
I'VE FLOATED UP AND DOWN THE RHINE
I'VE EATEN EVERY KIND OF SAUSAGE THAT'S EVER BEEN MADE
BUSTED THE SCALES THE LAST TIME I GOT WEIGHED
AND IF YOU GIVE ME SPÄTLESE WINE
AND SOME GHERKINS IN BRINE
I'LL BE WILHEIM,
DIEFEURIGEENDEDERCREMEPOSAUNEDASSMUTTERÜBERREDETWALGRUMPGRENZENDEROBLIGATOR ISCHENKNACKIGENAPOKALYPTISCHENSCHNITTLAUCHKÄFIGZUÜBERWINDEN!